Arcturus

he/him | vent blog, go rifle through my brain

[wrendezviss]

The trail has a quality that tells me it's appeared before, but only in dreams. If it were a memory, I would know where. But this is just a trail, a muddle of all the forests I've been in. Both times, I am not walking. The first time, I was alone. Now, I am not.

One person was there to talk and comfort. But there were others I initially perceived as tiny obstacles and now think are just part of that stop on the path. I don't believe any of these people had a face, I simply assigned one in my subconscious/waking that currently fits best.

[wrendezviss]

There's a balcony of some kind

A large group of people

I sit alone in a corner

Knees hugged to my chest

He finds me there

Sits next to me

I'm sat on the trail

Knees hugged to my chest

Fingers clenching so tightly,

my nails draw blood

He sits next to me

Quiet and calm and knowing

Shoulder and side pressed against mine

Is that all it takes?

[wrendezviss]

You grew up

In the same house as me

There before I was born

An older brother

You were there

In the worst of times

You laid on my lap

A sole comfort

We both grew up in the same environment

With the same woman

You left us too soon

I'm sorry she did that to you

[wrendezviss]

I have needs and wants, that much is obvious. Due to inexperience with needs being met in my childhood, I try to protect myself by not having needs. Consequently, I pretend not to have needs that very much exist, leading to further (this time self inflicted) neglect.

I won't ask for necessities like food and water, or a place to sit. Certainly not "wants" such as touch and reassurance. Not only is it embarrassing, it's vulnerable.

[wrendezviss]

There's something poetic to be said about desperately trying to recreate something that can hardly be mimicked.

I cannot get close to connection and touch, they are too far out of reach.

[wrendezviss]

Inhale.

The expanding of ribs, permitted by intercostals.

My lungs filling with new air, never clean enough.

Hold.

The burn of keeping in the oxygen.

I can feel it traveling through my arteries, exchanging at the capillaries.

Exhale.

Never slow enough, the waste in my veins expelling too fast.

It's not enough by the time it's all out, I hurry for the next breath.

[wrendezviss]

I am a freak and also pretty fucked up I'm sorry it's the truth

[wrendezviss]

A house isn't a home until it has soul within it.

Of course the goal is to have a home, but the soul is significant in achieving that. Everybody else seems to have a home or has experienced a home. What do I do with that?

[wrendezviss]

It's hard to believe it's been six months, when to me it's been a whole year.

[wrendezviss]

You're still one of the very few faces I can confidently say I know

[wrendezviss]

Ma forse l'amore non è fatto per persone come me

But maybe love isn't made for people like me

[wrendezviss]

Something is very deeply wrong

I cannot describe it, but my heart is pounding.

I feel it in my chest, right beneath my bruised sternum, the hollow between my collarbones, at the base of my neck.

I feel like prey, like something is amiss yet I can't place it.

[wrendezviss]

È meglio parlare o morire?

Is it better to speak or to die?

[wrendezviss]

Nessuno verrà a salvati

Nobody is coming to save you

[wrendezviss]

I don't have big dreams, I don't recall a time when I did.

I've had phases of things that I think would be fun to do or hobbies I particularly like, but nothing I particularly aspire for.

As a little kid I wanted to study space or dinosaurs. At some point I wanted to be an author or songwriter. People told me to be a therapist, or a teacher, or go into politics. I wanted to be a marine biologist, or go into tourism. I've wanted to be an artist or study the humanities. I wanted to study neuroscience, major in piano. I wanted to study floristry or conservation. I could've been a historian. I could've gone into swimming, or figure skating, or archery.

None of them are dreams, just things I have liked to do. I don't have a big, overarching goal or dream job. Nothing ties into my past.

[wrendezviss]

I'm done with the lore period actually can we get some fluff in here. story is unbalanced give me a fun arc

[wrendezviss]

we sit in this office as you ask me to describe and I go into almost gruesome detail, the gates opened on a topic I've never been allowed to explain or justify.

how it's done, the frequency ("like trimming my nails"), intention (or lack thereof).

you tell me, "I'm not going to ask you to stop"

it's a twisted relief. I still try to justify. I know what it would take, what it's doing.

you tell me we'll just keep an eye on it. I'm sure you know how much that means to me