It has always been incredibly difficult for me to believe in myself. No amount of compliments, likes, or any form of positive feedback has ever been enough to sustain me or drown out my fears. Deep down, I’ve always believed that I’m not going to make it.
I’ll never finish anything. Never get published. Never get to share the people and worlds in my head to anyone. I’ll never mean anything to anyone, today or tomorrow.
Even on good days, I believed this. And this past year, that deeply ingrained mentality absolutely killed my love for writing. It seeped into other aspects of my life. Or maybe the negativity came from other areas of my life and poisoned my creative self. The bottom line was this: I felt worthless.
Initially, I thought it might be because I wasn’t getting enough validation, enough attention. Mind you, I was definitely getting both. And I did stuff to get more, both online and in real life. But it wasn’t enough. And it was never going to be enough.
Because I didn’t believe in myself. Hell, I didn’t even like myself. As a result, everything felt fake- words, people, emotions. And there was nothing anyone could do because I myself was the problem. I was fake- I could laugh so hard my stomach hurt and not feel the slightest bit of joy. I was the one smiling at myself in the mirror, but thinking awfully self-hating thoughts all day. I was the one reading my writing and curling my lip in disgust and calling it trash. I was the one sneering at myself, tearing myself down, and degrading my own sense of self-worth.
I needed to change. But for a while, I didn’t want to. I thought I was right to hate myself.
Thankfully, a handful of truly wonderful friends helped me get over myself. Over a series of months, I began to regain my love for life and self. And recently I got the most exciting story idea ever. Even better, I have the motivation to write.
Every day will not be easy. I know that the future is a whirlwind of upcoming highs and lows. But I encourage it. I want to endure fire and come out stronger. I want storms to come so that I can dance in the rain.
I believe in myself again.
Which is why I’m starting this blog. I’m going to catalog my personal goals, take note of my accomplishments, and record my struggles. When I look back on old posts, I want to see what I was capable of and what I overcame. Hopefully, along the way, I’ll find others like me and form a bright, positive community. Even if I don’t, even if nothing I hope for happens- it will all be okay.
Because I’m still going to love myself. And I’m still going to write. Better yet, I will write with confidence.