You Can't Do It, So what now?
So basically I have just realised I can't sing. Wow. So what? Welll, this was my life, this is what I always thought I was going to do. This is what I thought I was going to grow up doing. Ever since I was little kid I would always be singing in my mums car when we would be travelling back and forth the two and half hour journey to my Grandmas. Although my mum would be choking back the tears, she hated leaving, and even though now we live a lot closer, I can see why, my Grandma is pretty darn cool. Anyway, back to the point that I am even writing this today. I really can't sing, I mean I can sing a song nicely, it's not incredibly bad and I have always tried to write my own music too but recenly.... nothing. It's almost like.... my world has been turned upside and inside our for the past seven or eight years and now I finally have a calm living environment, the time to sit down and write and be creative... I can't it's gone.
I'm so rude. Allow me to introduce myself. I am curently in my early twenties living in a flat near the city with my future wife. Very exciting, we are getting married in four months. It's amazing... she's amazing. I currently work for a huge corporate company. What category of work they fit into I have absolutely no idea, but my jobs one of those tedious office jobs, only this one pays a reasonable salary, so I'm game. So I guess you're now thinking, "Well, why are you writing in an blog?", potentially the best known blog... well the answer is... I am trying to answer my own question, the only issue is... I am not qutie sure what the question is yet.
It hasn't been easy getting where I am now (fairly young, fiance, decent rented accomodation, car etc", but hell no. I'm not one for a sob story, noone likes that bullshit. But fuck me, sometimes... and I kid you not, I have tried to end it... but for some stupid dumb ass reason I am still here (maybe just maybe because I have super awesome fiance!). I guess I will have lost a lot of peoples attention and that's ok. I guess I am documenting some stuff down incase I ever want to read back over it... or I get memory loss and want to revisit past times. Who knows. But for now all I know is... I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be famous, a bit like Justin Bieber, with the amount he earns but just not be a massive prick like him. Or maybe even someone like P!nk, I mean sweet Jesus she rocks; I have seen her life and she kicked butt! I want to write music that catches people, that touches them, makes them stop in there tracks. I want to be able to earn a living creating music and provide for my family. I don't want to have to worry about paying my bills because I may not have enough money. I want to be able to purchase items that are needed without even thinking if I need to tranfer some money from my very tiny savings account (which will be drained after the wedding anyway, that's what it's for!). I just used to sit for hours and write songs and they were shit but I was young and stupid and I didn't care. But now, I play the same chords over and over as I never had any lessons and I sing the same depressing bollocks that no record label is ever going to want to hear. I record it on to soundcloud but noone ever listens, and to be quite frank I really need to try and learn to use some software but ever since leaving school I haven't been able to learn anything new and that annoys me too.
Over the past few years I have been continuing to try with my music but because I have no confidence to get myself out there, busk, play at local pubs, gigs etc I end up not really producing anything or learning from what I am is many mistakes. But, in the mean time I have tried to find my "career". I have now worked in offices for over three years and I was lucky enough that my first job paid fairly well. Admittedly I was temporary at first to get into it but I was made permanent and ending up staying within the company for quite some time. I started getting a bit itchy and bored sat on my bum all day and therefore tried to get a job at an estate agents. I have always had a keen eye for property, I think this might be due to the fact that I moved around quite a lot as kid or maybe just because I am a nosy bitch that likes looking around peoples houses. Either way, I applied for so many jobs and I even did have a few interviews. i got office more of an admin role until I bought a car to start going on show arounds (but after the offer there said that in acual fact they wanted me to stay in the admin role for qutie a while as there was no point hiring me if I was just going to move into the letting agent role in a few months), so I kindly rejected that one. And I was offered one other job with another estate agents too. But the trouble was the salay that they offer you as a base is far too low. They explain that within the first year you get so many months commision, but I just couldn't stoop that low with my salary and had to turn down a job in career that I really wanted, and still do, all because I needed money to pay my bills. I live in the city you know? My dream Is to work in Real Estate, selling multi-million pound properties working for the best estate agents around and potentially selling to the rich and famous, but guess what? You have to have expereince! Well chuff off I am not going to get experience when the pay is too low for me to live in this expensive city AND be able to start from he bottom! It's so annoying because I know I could so a damn good job it's just I can't get there!
Frustrations coming out of every inch of my skin. I'm itchy for success and I just feel right this second that I am moving further and further away from becoming successful and right this second I am getting more and more sad. I feel like I should be doing more. I should be doing better and I know I can but noone gives you that break. I continue to write letters to people and I tweet singers to try and get them to notice my recordings on soundcloud, but seriously, come on... me? I'm not freaking special to the next one....
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