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every fic was so good as always but guys. iâm gonna need you all to read âinto itâ it features euijoo and omg⌠i wonât say much but READ IT ASAP.
support all the authors <3
(also warning: most of these are/contain smut so if that's not your thing just scroll)
pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 can be found here :)
ââ .âŚ
l. heeseung
â baby, baby, baby pt. 2 by @guppiechuu
â smoke screens and cigarettes pt. 2 by @thatfeelinwhenyou
â wrong doings by @ham-st4r
â motion picture soundtrack by @writingmochi
p. jongseong
â fast forward by @asahicore
â babysitter by @jaysbaefie
â souvenir by @seosracha
â practice makes perfect by @jongst4r
â teach me by @blvnt1e
â kiss me by @mssishipi
s. jaeyun
â stealer (no mercy) by @jaylaxies
â the tattoo on my ring finger by @thatfeelinwhenyou
â into it (ft. euijoo from &team) by @minhosimthings
synopsis: heeseung can finally breathe after finishing the final leg of his first-ever international tour. his manager gives him one day to explore london. thatâs when he meets you, a traveller from a room next to his
genre:Â slice of life, quarter-life crisis, hurt/comfort, slow burn, drama, romance, realistic fiction, musician au, tourist au, fluff, angst, set in the same universe as crossroads
based on: music hindia's "evaluasi" (2019) and movie before sunrise (1995)
word count: 37330 (37.3k)
warning(s): some curse words, mention of mental breakdown, pretty heavy life stuff like career talk, etc
message from the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life, including their thoughts and opinions.
also, addressing the elephant in the room: heeseung is actually a soloist now. this idea was made back in 2023 and i did get motivated by the many emotions from his departure to continue writing this and write this more as a closure to the whole ordeal. i hope this fic could also be one for you too...
evan and heeseung are used interchangeably !! this is also part of a collab "the deep end" which you can check out! the enhypen members exist and are not a group in this alternate universe (the end of crossroads implies that jay goes to NYU, jake goes to UNSW, sunghoon is a pro figure skater currently training in canada)! this fic will also be so dialogue-heavy so it's more tell than show (of course, inspired by the before trilogy as it's just jesse and celine talking for around two hours each time)
masterlist / soundtrack / moodboard
"THANK YOU, LONDON!"
the stage screens crawl from both sides as the sound of the fans cheering and screaming is muffled behind his in-ear monitors on both sides. eyes closed tight, his breathing slowed as he rose up from the deep bow he had givenâa near 90-degree angle. slowly, his eyes opened, and he smiled as widely as he could, feeling the breeze of the space coming from the venue towards him and grazing his skin. a spacious grin plastered on his face as he waved goodbye. his silhouette is still noticeable from the other side, as the volume of the cheers increases with his little movement. though blurry, he could see from the little crack in the moving machinery of the screen at the front of the stage, showing what happens as he doesn't stop waving his hand. the crack closes and darkness envelops him. the spotlight shines on no one before it dims.
heeseung can finally breathe out the breath he was holding back, relaxing the grip he is holding onto his handheld microphone as his hand unconsciously tremblesâpouring something out that he had kept inside of himself ever since the start of the world tour.
he did it.
he finished his concert in london. he finished the final leg of his tour, the tour that has taken him nearly to every region on earth.
when turning his head to the side as he carefully pulls out one of his in-ear buds, his breathing staggers as heeseung felt his feet becoming wobbly. all of the energy he didn't realise was depleted out of him is now felt as his lifted hand that was waving before slams down, the gravity pulling itâno more energy to hold it up any longer. his grip on the mic didn't let go, but he held his upper body upright as much as it could actually sustain him, knees buckling down to land him on the ground of the stage. but before he fully collapses, he drags himself a few steps down to the wing, where his manager, minhyun, stood by. the man notices heeseung's drowsy self, leaning in ways that don't resemble the person on stage a few minutes ago.
"hyungâŚ" he stammered, putting his hand on the older man's shoulders. sound of rummaging wakes him up as he watches the assistant managers and stylists now on each side of him as his manager hyung wraps his arm around the younger's shoulders. the staff brought him towards the chair at the wing of the stage, the very same chair that he sat hours prior whilst preparing to get on stage. the whirlling sound of portable fans hit his face as the cool air fights against his drowsy eyelids. the small cylinder of a straw poking at his parted lips as he captures it and suck the air and cold water; all of the sensations waking him up. smooth pats with a towel clean his sweaty skin as the boy can only let out a dumb smile when he sees his manager chuckle.
"you actually did it, kid!" heeseung felt minhyun shaking his shoulders before gripping one of his hands. the overwhelming happiness flowing out of that dumb smile slowly became a tear fest as he turned to his stylist, who was gently cleaning his makeup off his face, now wiping against the fallen tears that came out like a ruptured dam. heeseung's breathing now became sobs as the rush of happiness let the people around him see the joy that emits out of his sluggish figure. yet inside, that happiness slowly turns into despair. to want to go on the stage and greet his fans; to get the adrenaline rush once again. but just like minhyun said before and multiple times in the past, it can be an addiction. and by the state of where he is in right now, he knew his body couldn't handle it and he is one step closer to having a heart attack if he pushes his desire.
it's always been a dream of heeseung to do a world tour ever since he pursued music and he finally did it. from seoul to east asia, southeast asia, south asia, west asia, north america, south america, a few countries in africa, and the last leg, the european tour. heeseung had finally showcased the hours upon hours of practice he had done, the skills he had trained to the utmost level of his capability to the fans around the world. even if he only has a rest of a maximum of five days, including transport between the concert venues and countriesâwhich is a pain on its ownâbut he finally did it.
but the despair came as he realised that he didn't think far into the future. about what he will do after he finishes his worldwide tour as he goes home and does the encore back in seoul and then takes a deserved long rest. should he start writing the next song again? should he open his laptop to his workstation and scroll through his unfinished tracks to see if any of them have potential? should he push the label to try and contact producers and collaborators he would love to work with now? yet, as he thought about all of it in his mind, he didn't expect the emptiness that was surging through his vessels and nerves right to his very core.
what will happen now?
"the agency gave you a week to rest up before the encore concert in seoul," minhyun replied, seemingly reading his mind when he felt his voice brushing against one of his pierced ears. heeseung's eyes gaze around the stage as the crews move along to tidy up the place. peeking outside from between the stage rigs, he can see the fans also staying, taking as many photos as possible before they leave the venue. many still stayed behind as if they didn't want it to end. heeseung also doesn't want it to end because he doesn't know what he will do after it. but he knows one thing that is a routine he does when he is able.
"i have to soak myself," heeseung mumbles as he bites the straw between his lips. he clutches the water bottle as one of the assistants helps him to stand up and pull off the equipment on his body. then, they guide him to his green room so he could let the merch t-shirt he wore be packed and sent back along with the rest of the core crew.
"you definitely can when we arrive at the hotel, heeseung-ie. you deserve it," minhyun said as heeseung tiredly nodded, arriving in the room as he stepped behind the wooden partition that stood a little taller than him and he pulled off his stage clothes. sweat sticking and running down his skin as the muscles of his legs woke from the exhaustion since he had to dance and move around the stage. tugging on his casual oversized clothesâfrom torso to the toeâthe fabric feels so cool compared to the heated skin of his. brushing the clothes to get rid of the wrinkles, the boy steps out to grab the small towel from his postman's bag as he observes the dissipating crew that is tugging out the supplies. the stylist's sets of cosmetics and tools and the photographer's sets of lenses are all being escorted out, slowly making the room turn back into its default state.
his hair is ruffled from the sweat as he gazes at himself through the mirror, brushing the sweat away from his nape and around his jaw. the area under his eyes darkens from it looking sunken. the door closes as he is left alone in the room to gather his things. the microphone and in-ear monitor cases were already seated near his bag so he could pack them up. tidying his hair with his fingers to look more appropriate, he looked down to see the time on his phone when he found messages from his mom.
eomma
22.05 congratulations on your concert. i'm so proud of you, son
22.05 it's morning time here at home. we can't wait to greet you back tomorrow evening
22.06 go have a nice rest!
heeseung didn't realise the tremor that shows up from reading the messages. a smile cracking his face as he shakes it away, the emotions creating a turmoil in his being as he turns around and gathers his items and bag before leaving the room.
outside, minhyun stood by the door as heeseung gave a nod at him and the rest of the staff to go their merry ways. the footsteps from heeseung's walk echo within the white walls of the backstage area as he follows the green exit sign jutting down from the ceiling. thin smiles being given out left and right to in-house staffs that helped with his show, speeches of "thank you" and "have a good rest" being bounced around. he also walks past posters of previous performers that have held concerts here, from the likes of bob dylan to madonnaâa tug lifted the corner of his lips as his name will be plastered amongst them too.
stepping out of the interior, he arrives at the back area where trucks and vans gathered, similar-looking vans to be exact. it is one of his company's deals to set up similar vans so he can use it interchangably, all in a way to confuse the fans as to which van he is using. the main group of crew he brought from korea all entered the different vans.
sliding the door open, heeseung steps into the van with his manager behind him, sitting down in separate seats. he glances at minhyun, who is already writing down inside his thick planner that rested on top of his thigh. the older man gives him a small smile as heeseung fully settles, looking at the driver from the rear view mirror as he signals that the vehicle can move now. the way force works makes him brace himself against the van's cushioned seat. the tinted windows make the outside look like what he'll see with sunglasses on. fences barricade the path for the vans as he could see fans gather by, all looking towards the entourage of vans passing by with flashes being hindered by the tinted filter so they can't see inside the vansâone of which is his. yet, he could hear the known screams of the fans that he had heard from all the continents he had visited. every stop has its own distinction and it doesn't stop with the british fans, too.
but, deep down inside, he doesn't know if he's worthy of this kind of love and adoration at the same time. the fading sounds of exclamations are meters away from his moving vehicle as the entourage splits up in order to confuse the fans. as one of korea's current famous musicians, stalker fans are something of a consequence, especially with how large the fandom is. even he couldn't believe he could be as famous as his labelmate, tomorrow x together, when he sang a more distinct sound than what he called pop music. yet, he himself is the pop music, especially when it comes to domestic charts. people in korea know him, and that level of fame overwhelms him so much that he doesn't know if he can fully adapt to it or not, even if the growth is gradual.
the streets of london are painted with the bright lights of the streetlights and LED signs. he could see the famous red double-decker buses driving around, carrying passengers to their destination. the river thames is outlined with streetlights as he peeks out to see the big ben clock towerâone of the icons of londonâas he remembers how close his accommodation is to it. heeseung eyes his manager, who sits back in his seat whilst holding his headâhe remembers the older man complaining about how he could easily get dizzy on a moving vehicle when looking at his phone or something adjacent to that. admiration flowed from heeseung about his manager as he remembers his past, how his unsuccessful musician career made him change his path to do background work.
a vocalist himself, minhyun helped heeseung find the correct technique for the boy when he entered the label. he was a literal independent artist at that time, with no current backing at that time, before being asked to join his current label a couple of weeks after. after being taught the correct way for him to breathe whilst voicing out the note he intended from his voice box, heeseung finally understood how he could get rid of the headaches he got every time he finishes a song; never ready enough to continue to another song. minhyun, slowly and seemingly, becomes another brother figure to him, other than his older brother. a brother that is embraced in the flowing notes heeseung sings because of his teaching that he adapts into his own. he wished he could ask minhyun if he wants to sing for his song, but heeseung can see the trauma in the man's eyes every time he or other producers suggest it, something heeseung himself is also familiar with.
stepping out of the van, he sees one of the vans that is holding his other main crew stepping out. all of them flooding into the lobby and he gratefully couldn't see fans straying around the road. as much as he loves his fans, he also wants his privacy to be fulfilled.
minhyun steps in front of him as he mouthed to heeseung, "i'm going to go up first." the younger male nodded as he let his feet move at a slow pace, admiring the hotel he would be staying for one last night before he went back home. it is also a strategy of his company to put him in a hotel that is good enough, but not exactly too expensive or extravagant. many people aim for that kind of hotel if they wanna stalk him as "it is what he deserved", but he wanted to stay in a place a little more quaint than the most luxurious place can offer in each stop. it's why, even though he is placed in central london, his hotel is a few roads away from the main streets where he always sees people walking and shopping.
looking around the lobby area, he can hear the sound of footsteps on top of the marble tiles of the dim lobby of the hotel. the bellboys and staffs give him a small nod and a "good evening", palm wrapping around the strap of his bag as he steps into the space. his eyes wander on the hotel's interior for the first time since he arrived hereâjet lag and exhaustion causing him to quickly move and stay in his room to rest up as he couldn't be in an imperfect mode to perform his final show on the tour. heeseung's now sober, much more stable self can see a dark entrance to what must be a small bar owned by the hotel, screams of football fans watching a match from the screen as it is nearing completion with some of them wearing the jerseys of the team playing. he wished he could join them, to at least get in the mood that he is in london where the people are crazy over football, but the way the strains on his muscles react every time he moves screams at him to hurry up to return to his room and rest. and so, he did.
stepping onto the hallway of the lifts, he presses the up arrow as he listens to the hum of the moving gears behind the sliding door that is separating him from a deadly fall to the basement area. his eyes see himself in the blurry reflection of the door. the way his faded bleached light brown hair that is slowly resembling his own natural one is ruffled once again from how he tilts his body around during the van ride; admiring the view of london that he hasn't fully taken in. the corners of his mouth sliding down as he can feel the muscles of his face finally relaxes from how much he had to smile, hurting him in the process when forced too long. when the door slides open as he sees the glowing number and symbol on the screen on top of the door, he steps into the lift as he scans his room's keycard on the scanner before pressing his floor. yet, when the door almost closes, half of an arm slips in between them as the door's sensor reacts to the new passenger.
a girl enters the lift as she pulls out the keycard to her room, when heeseung then watches the eyebrows on her face lift when seeing the button already lit up: the same floor button he pressed before. her hanging pointer finger moves to press the close button as the lift doors follow its command, letting out a huge sigh as she stood next to heeseung. from the appearance, the girl seems to have been having a night out with the outfit she's wearing and the bag with its strap crossing her front. but when he sees through the reflection from the alloy on the lift's door, she is tilting her head downâhuffing her breath as it slows from the frantic breaths she was taking. her nails playing along and scratching her fingertips as he couldn't look away from the view.
the chime signals the lift door to be open as heeseung is met with the familiar wall and carpet combo that he recalls when arriving two nights ago. both he and the girl stepped out of the lift as they walked, the carpet muffling their footsteps. he thought he would separate from the girl as she was looking to the other hallway from the branching path from the lift, yet she turned to walk in front of him, ignoring him all this time, while heeseung trails behind her, eyes on the back of her head.
the girl seems to lead him to the way to his room as he lets his body follow her while also scanning the room numbers he went past. as he nears his, he strays away from the line she made towards his room, listening to the steps she made as he expected it to fade away farther down the hallway. yet, he was met with the sound of the beeping as he couldn't stop himself from turning his head, seeing the girl tilting the keycard down from the scanner before turning the handle, pushing the door as she entered the room. the room right beside his. heeseung shakes his head as he returns to his hotel room.
his temporary space is now cleaned up by the room service that had to do their job while he was rehearsing that morning. the light is dim, even the ambience could make him fall asleep. heeseung let his bare feet touch the carpeted floor before he eyes the connecting door in his room; the silhouette of the girl he met on the lift takes shape as he realises that the person he encounters is his next-door neighbour. the way she seems to cower more and more in the small space both of them share is fresh in his mind. yet, he knows he won't see her again tomorrow when he left.
opening the door to the bathroom, his first instance was to turn the bathtub tap open, adjusting it to a warm temperature that he likes. his skincare products were all put in a perfect line by the room service as he left them scattered around on the counterâhe didn't have any time to even gather them when minhyun pushed the doorbell to let him know that it was time to go. heeseung took care of himself first before shedding his outfit, feeling the stickiness from his skin reacting to the cold air from the ventilation of the bathroom. he rips open the bath salt he brought from home and pours it into the warm tub, warm enough to melt it down like grains of sugar in a teacup full of brewed tea.
slowly plunging in one of his feet, the boy lets out a deep sigh as the warmth encompasses him, gladly accepting him as he crouches down and lets his back meet the warm water. heeseung's head perfectly leans against the small curved cushion as he lets his dry hand pick up his wireless headphone, covering both of his ears as he scrolls through the music streaming app full of the playlists he curated himself. his thumb presses the play button of his smooth jazz playlist he made. the sound of the piano enters his ears, small in volume before it becomes bigger as the track continues. heeseung closes his eyes as he lets the jazz playing in his ears; he's glad he's an audiophile that invest in good headphones to hear such detail.
behind his closed eyelids, he could envision his dad beside him, sitting on the tiled floor outside of the tub in his childhood home, teaching this very technique of soaking after a long day. when he remembered his dad's face when he was younger, he couldn't believe what a splitting image his old man is to him, even when he has features of his momâhis brother taking most of mom's with a little bit of dad's. heeseung can see it now as he remembers what his dad looked like the last time he saw his family as a whole, wishing deep down that he could also be like that when he is older.
ever since heeseung lived in that home, the bathroom he shares with his brother also has a bathtub-shower combo that they have in the master bathroomâhis parents' en-suite bathroom. it was what they desired when they moved to seoul after planning for their renovation to accommodate at least four people. both of them became obsessed with soaking in a bathtub for their evening bath time after they went back from their honeymoon in japan. the boy recalled hearing dad talking about them having bathtubs everywhere, even though there are some half the size of the one he is inâsomething he had also seen when he visited japan for a schedule. his parents stayed at places near hot springs, and they went there nearly every day, taking in the culture as they brought it to their family.
"there's a reason why the japanese love onsen and sento so much. a soak at night can cure all the tiredness away, leaving you with a better, peaceful sleep."
that's what his dad told him as he asks, still playing around with the water and bubbles from soap in the tub when it splashes to little heeseung and even the old man himself. since then, he started to do the tradition his parents do, and he can feel the difference when he passes one day before soaking in warm mineral-scattered water. and now, even he has his own bathtub in his own apartment just for doing this every time he finishes a schedule and goes back home. the feeling of his muscles relaxing, his airway clearing out and unnecessary toxins from his body are also leaving. his figure relaxes more and more. and with the level of exhaustion he accumulated for the past days of travelling and walking around stages, belting out songs upon songs he had made and given for him to perfectly perform them, heeseung could actually fall into a deep and satisfying slumber he hadn't gotten in a while, even in that tub.
but something stopped him, making the water slosh around as he opens his lids as fast as he can.
the sound of muted rummages coming from the wall outside his bathroomârealising that he didn't close the door tightly as he was too preoccupied with quickly soaking his body. he could hear the muffled scream, then a thud from the door that separates his room from the other. the room where he watches the girl goes in.
heeseung doesn't want to assume much, but he knows that she entered the room aloneâhow would she enter an occupied room if she brought the keycard folder with her from even the slight glance he took at her. yet, the striking thing that he could hear from the tub he's in and the low-volumed jazz melody playing in his eardrum is faint sobs from the door. the door that the girl seemed to slam herself against. he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding as he viewed the door from the sliver slant of the opened bathroom door.
it's cathartic in a way. but he wanted to do that himself for a long while.
a small chime rings in his ear from the familiar alert from kakaotalk. picking up his phone, he could see the message from his manager who rested in the room across from him.
minhyun hyung-nim
22.57 our flight is at 8:20 tomorrow night
22.58 you have a whole day to explore london if you want. just make sure you're on your way to heathrow airport by sunset
-
the sound of the familiar alarm ringtone woke you up as you could feel the crusty moisture from your eyes. your neck is strained as your vision clears up, seeing where you are.
the floor of the carpeted hotel room you stayed in.
your limbs wobble as you try to push yourself up from the floor, eyeing the surface you lean against of the closed door connected to the neighbouring room. you drag yourself with your hand, crawling towards the bed that is still tidyâa dent in the mattress is the only reminder of you physically touching it as you see your belongings placed on top. climbing up to sit on your knees, you pulled the phone to you as you turned off the alarm, seeing it nearly died from battery shortage as you pushed yourself to stand up. walking towards your bag full of keychains, you eye the nearest socket whilst looking at the state of your room.
your backpack and suitcase are placed on top of the counter beside the wardrobe. the bag from the laundry room service of clothes you ordered came back. your laptop is placed on the desk as you see the charging cable of your phone near it. you eyed the clock at one side of the room, seeing the clear 06.05 shown with its analogue hands. but also, you can see a thrown pillow behind the chair by the desk. carefully stepping to pick it up, you see your melted makeup on top of the sheet, remembering what had happened last night.
the stickiness of the outfit you were in comes as you glimpse outside to view one of central london's streets from your window. the sheer curtain shielding you from the sudden sunlight that is slowly but surely crawling up the horizon. shaking your head, you took care of your belongings as you remembered the placements of your clothing. from the casual comfy to the comfy formal, dress, skirts, and shorts. your muscle memory remembers the placement for everything inside your suitcase, with its extra space and folded bags for souvenirs. a two-month trip you are prepared and you are ready for your next destination.
brushing your makeup-stained face, you could see how puffy your eyes are as trails of tears fell down your cheek. you let your hands massage your face as you wash it with the facewash you bought when you arrived in london. scrubbing all the suds away from your dirty skin, you couldn't keep the dam that holds your emotions from cracking, letting it show as a few drops of your tears fell down and being combined by the shower's water. the thoughts that were plaguing your mind before taking this trip came back as you let out a small, staggered sob. yet the warm shower brushes it away as fast as it could before it remains on your skin.
wearing a nice outfit that complements the look of summer transitioning to autumn, you style yourself with the skincare products that you almost ran out of, noting in your mind to buy them again in your next destination or here if you can. as you blow dry your hair, you pick up the journal that has been with you in this whole journey, seeing the list of places you hadn't finished seeing in london. you can't help but sigh that you don't know if you can fulfil it or not before you leave. picking it up, you brought it with you as you went to have breakfast.
the menu, once again, is the english breakfast you have now grown accustomed to ever since you're here. but from every part of the united kingdom you have travelled to, their definition of english breakfast is something different. some accomodate their infamous products of each region, like the ones you ate in cardiff. your phone is stacked on top of your journal as you move the utensils on the plate full of food. though your eyes can't help but look at the crowd gathering at one side of the room. the crowd that looks like they're travelling together, looking like they're there for a workshop or something. as you let the tea warm your body from the inside, you lean back as you think of the other things that you hadn't done before you have to check out. your suitcase is not finished yet as you almost forgot to pack your laptop in the backpack, your ipod is still slithering inside your messenger bag as you have to straighten the cord, and you still have to make your to-do list to buy, like your depleting soap and self-care products.
returning to your room and folding up the clothes in the way you learned from your mom, you latch the lock in the slot as you scramble the passcode. the stickers that you placed on the exterior nearly pulled off as you push it back to let them stick. the names of the cities that you have visited are placed all around the suitcase you call your own. yet, you eye the sticker of your hometown, of how far you have gotten to be here in your journey of travelling around the british isles. looking around the room as you check one last time for something you are missing, you tug your phone and your ipod into the pockets of your outerwear after plugging one of the wired earbuds to your ear, letting the sound of music entertain you as you're picking up the pieces of your luggage one by one. you look back at the room you stayed for the past four nights, and a smile appears on your face before it fades from the implication you had been facing in that last night. and you let the door close.
you're glad the lift is empty as you enter it to go down to the lobby. you still remember how last night you were hyperventilating quietly while in a small space with a man. the embarrassment that warms your body from last night's escapade that had gotten too rowdy, making you have to go back to the room as your only destination for comfort, to only be met with a piece of news that broke you. you eye the changing number on the screen on top as the ding makes you look forward, dragging the suitcase out of the lift. you're picking up the small keycard folder you were bringing as you approach the receptionist. however, your movement halts as you see the piles of suitcases by the side of the receptionist area. your mind brings you back to the crowd that you encounter when eating breakfast as you can see one of themâa man who wears a long-sleeved white shirt, cream-coloured work pants, and rounded, thick-framed glassesâholding onto a thick stack of keycards, the man looking around as if seeing if all of his crowd has finished gathering or not.
as you waited for him to finish gathering all of the keycards, you brought yourself to one of the seats there seamlesslyâas if you had done the same thing before. but this is the largest crowd you have encountered, making you believe that they're on a workshop from some office in the other cities. but when you observed more of the crowd that has gathered around you, you hear them using a language that is not the lingua franca of the UK.
foreigners, like yours truly.
you eye back on the suitcases when you see most of them have a sticker of the same flag.
a south korean flag.
you let yourself head count the people who are seemingly in the crowdâthose who gather by the suitcases as they conversed with each otherâand count them. widen eyes, you just realised that the suitcases are nearly double the amount of the people in the crowd, making you instinctively shake your head.
'why are there so many? is bringing so many suitcases actually worth it?'
"well, yeah⌠when you travel around a lot in a short time," someone replied, making you jump from your seat as you look beside you to find a man. his hair is light brown, like it is bleached instead of his natural hair colour. he wears a light grey tank top that is pretty loose, while also wearing a plaid-patterned shirt of the colour bluish grey and white. around his collar is a wireless headphone with a thick outer area. he also wears light blue jeans with a belt and a pair of brown boots. "but, i don't know much," he finished, shrugged shoulders, as you study his face.
the same man you encountered in the lift last night.
you remember his reflection as you see yours on those enclosed sliding doors, turning away so you don't keep the eye contact that you accidentally caught. you thought he wouldn't remember your face if you just stayed quiet, yet the close proximity of the space can't help but make you remember and him to you too. pretending to tilt away, you took another glance at the man as he leans forward, eyes on your suitcase standing upright by your leg: right between him and you.
"i almost thought that your suitcase was mine because i see stickers that i also have," he replied.
eyebrows raised, you turn to him, "you also collect stickers of places you went?" a chuckle bubbles from you, "i thought i was the only one because people usually just tape on random ones." you muttered the last sentence as you move your eyes to the suitcase.
"yes, well," his hand pushes up as if stopping himself, "i started from this round of the trip because it's my first time going on a trip this long to different countries. i hope that it can be a time capsule," he replied with the fluency of a native english speaker. yet you recognise the hint of wavering in his voice that you also know you have. you let out a chuckle as you continue, looking back at the sticker of a certain flag that most of those suitcases have.
"i haven't gone to south korea yet. so, this is definitely not yours."
"how'd you know i'm korean?" he asked as you raised your shoulders, jutting your chin towards the suitcases that you now know are part of his crowd. his small "oh" makes you let out a small snicker, quickly hiding it behind your lifted palm as he lets out a short, wide smile before replying.
"well, it's full of outfits i have worn for the past five? six months? that i went on tour," the man replied with a relaxed tone, making you turn your head as quick as you can when you caught on to what he was saying.
"on tour? wait? what's your name?"
to your surprise, the man lets out a big close-mouthed smile that makes his cheekbones pop; his pupils seem trembling as if he doesn't want to tell you who he is. the guilt starts to flower inside you as you understand the thought of celebrities and their desire to be private and blend in with the crowd, especially in such a setting as a hotel lobby.
"i'm heeseung." he replied as he let out a shrug.
heeseung. the name seems familiar to you. that's when flashes of images show up in your mind. posters being placed inside the tube stations when you go on the escalators and when you are transitting between different lines of the london underground. a big font of his name there with a black and white picture of him under the spotlight in front of a piano. the image of the man beside you, but with black hair, as you remember the words written at the bottom after the date. the o2 academy, brixton.
"you're the one who had a concert at the academy," you mumbled your thought before glancing to him, seeing him nod his head as the small smile he held stayedâseemingly making him more closed off than moments before. shoulders slacking even for a bit, you continue the conversation, "i actually saw your concert-goers on the tube when i went out yesterday. the hangul letters on the banners are making them stand out as they all are heading towards brixton."
"ah, really?" the man reply which you nodded. yet you see how his eyebrows furrowed and his lips separating, as if he's contemplating. wanting to ask you about something, but hasn't found the right words until he does.
"but⌠do you know who i am before i told you my name?" his eyes open wide as you see the glint in them change along with his posture. a bit more sturdy, chin held up a little higher, as if he is putting on a mask, but only half of it is fully on.
"well, genuinely, i don't know who you are before i saw those promotional posters. i also don't think that i've ever heard your song before. the info hasn't reached me yet, probablyâŚ" heeseung nods along with your answer as he seems to focus on the wired earphones you're wearing before landing on the pocket of your outerwear, where a silver rectangle is showing.
"no way." his small exclamation catches your attention as you revert your gaze back, "is that an ipod nano?"
"oh! this?" you pulled out your ipod from the pocket, seeing the sleek scroll wheel that has symbols on the play and pause. the small screen on the top displays the sade song that is playing in one of your buds. "yeah. a hand-me-down from my mom, actually. it used to be filled with her songs before she said yes when i asked if i could keep it. so i basically mod it to add a few new songs that i downloaded from the internet that i like."
the man looks down as you show the device to him. your thumb brushes against the wheel as you both can see the details of the song you are listening to: sade's "kiss of life". a small smile grew on his face before it widened. "it's been a long time since i saw this, especially since it was discontinued. you can make a profit out of it if you wanna sell it." heeseung replied and you jokingly roll your eyes at his words.
"how capitalistic your idea is." you giggled as heeseung then follows, leaning his head from the action. you eye how the flowy outer shirt bounces along with his giggling body as he can't help but cover his mouth to laugh. it dies down in a fade as you take a glance at him, finding him taking a glance at you too.
"are you going back?" he asked as he gestured towards your ensemble of luggage.
"no. i still have more places to go after this. my train's leaving at around 10 at night, so i have time to relax and visit places i still haven't gone to in london. you?" your face contort unconsciouslly, making you feel the pull from your eyebrows when you are talking about itâseemingly leaking the emotions inside you regarding this last day, the night before, and the reason why you are on this trip in the first place.
"i'm going back to seoul tonight and have a one-week-long rest before the encore concert back there," heeseung replied, a small pout on his lips as you also make one too, mirroring him like it is the most natural thing to do. you were having fun talking to him, even with these small talks. but even the fame status that you now know makes you undeserving of getting his attention. you're sure he has other things to do, like doing his other schedules and such. that's when one side of heeseung's is enveloped in shadow, making you face him as you see the man that was on the receptionist counter facing heeseungâseeing behind him that the counter is empty as the bellboys and staff are bringing out the suitcases out of the lobby.
you give the man a nod as you stand up from the cushioned seat before walking to the reception. as you let the receptionist behind the counter check you out of their system and help with the additional cost you acquired from your laundry, you turn your head around to see heeseung speaking with the man. the familiar sound of someone speaking in koreanâcredits to you watching k-dramas that your friend asks you to watch withâenters your ear as you notice heeseung's rapid change of expressions, from furrowed eyebrows that fade as you watch a sparkle forms in his eyes. just by seeing his face, you can guess that he must be a great lyricist who can describe facial expressions well. you imagine him seeing himself in the mirror as he jots down how his face contours into whatever medium he uses to write lyrics. yet, a melancholic smile seems to want to surface on your own visage as you couldn't get to know him better; knowing that he is in his own entourage that will be leaving the country tonight.
he doesn't look like a celebrity from this far angle, even though now you had an epiphany that you just interacted with a k-pop idol and he seems to enjoy it. but you realised how he seems to be much more relaxed when you tell him you don't know him or, you guess, his idol persona. you don't know if it's because of the constant hassle of being in stardom, but you acknowledge that celebrities are humans too and you definitely understand that they like to live their lives too. you also know a few acquaintances of yours who are in stardom, some become actors while others just become influencers, especially with social media becoming people's puppet masters. yet they also want their fair share of privacy to explore stuff without being followed by other people.
after you say a few "thank you" to the receptionist, the suitcase's wheels turn as you tuck back your passport and wallet inside the bag, strap sling on one of your shoulders, ready to head to push your luggage towards the doorâto make your last day in london a tad bit better as you want to forget everything that happened yesterday and also the night-
"wait!"
the voice calls out as you stop, hesitate if it's for you or not. then, you brace yourself as you turn around to see heeseung now a few steps closer to you. the man, now sitting at the seat you two were at, just gave you a nod before gesturing toward the figure standing up before you.
"i don't know your name yet," he said, even with a flat tone that makes you react in surprise. a celebrity wanting to know your name from a small banter? what an honour.
"my name is (y/n). and, uh, i think your crew is waiting for y-"
"let me justâŚ" heeseung cuts you off before taking a breath, "do you ever think⌠shit, this is going to sound so crazy," he exclaimed with an expletive in english, making your eyebrows scrunch at the unexpectedness.
"i want to talk with you more. i- i have a whole day before i go back home and as much as i love touring, i haven't had time to visit the cities i'm in. i went to rio, paris, new york city, jakarta, all those cities. but the only free time i have is between los angeles and here. i went to los angeles before, so i know the city, but i don't know london. and⌠wellâŚ" heeseung opens his hand to gesture towards you, a tight lip smile on his face.
"i was hoping you feel that," he uses his fingers to point between you and him, "connection between us."
your scrunched brows loosened as they now raised, jaw a little bit dropped as you try to articulate as best as you can with that direct drop from him, "i, uh, i did. yeah, i do feel it."
"great! so⌠um⌠this is my pitch to you, (y/n)," heeseung takes a step closer. you sense his hand brushes against your bag, "why don't i follow you around today and explore london with you? i think you know your way around and i, i want to explore the city. i don't know when will i ever go back here. but then the chance comes when you said you want to visit more places you haven't visited yet. and it is going to haunt me if i didn't ask you."
you nodded your head, yet by the looks of it, heeseung still doesn't believe you are in. and then, he starts to clap once with his hands as his facial expression changes to a look of excitementâon something that he thought about that will be enough to make you say yes.
"think about this." he leans ever closer, now you felt his hand brushing against your own, "you meet this famous musician in your trip in london and both you and him have this same habit on putting stickers on your suitcase. he stayed in the hotel room next to yours and he's inviting himself to join you walk around a city you're still getting to know. that's going to be a wild story to tell to your friends or even your children in the future," he proposes with a fluency you didn't expect, raving about this plan to entice you. yet, the way he monologues is making you feel a sense of deja vu. like you have seen this scene before somewhere in your life.
"are, are you-" giggles of disbelief bubbling up rapidly as you calm yourself down. the hand that brushed his formed into a fist to stay controlled, "are you before sunrise-ing me right now?"
"huh?" his face scrunches as your jaw drops.
"what?! you don't know before sunrise? the movie? oh my-" you shake your head still with open mouth, gulping down your speechlessness as you reply, "you're definitely doing the before sunrise thing to me."
"i don't understand what you mean." heeseung answers now with his own widen eyes and parted lips.
"okayâŚ" you take a deep breath before pushing it out. "before sunrise is this movie from the 90s about two tourists who decide to spend a night together in vienna. then they start to get to know each other and all that stuff. it's staring ethan hawke and julie delpy and it's such a good movie." you feel your face heating up as you are aware now of the implication of what this means between you and him.
he nodded at your explanation, expression changing as he put the dots on what he said to the movie you mentioned, "then yeah! i am before sunrise-ing you? even my english name is similar to ethan. it's evan, and that's a tmi by the way-"
"shut the fuck up!" you lightly push his shoulder as you can't help but fan yourself with your free hand. with your reaction, heeseung's smile makes his own eyes smile too as he laughed along with you. you rubbed your covered arms from the forming goosebumps, "technically, we're doing this like before sunset because you have to board your plane and such."
"well, my manager agrees that i can ride the train to heathrow airport at around sunset. and you say that your train is at around 10. so, we can hang out before midnight," heeseung replied, logically speaking, as you caught the implication again in his own words.
"what the- both of them are part of the before trilogy. before sunset and before midnight. what the heck is happening?" you mumble to yourself, nearly panicking as you just can't stop giggling in whatever situation you're in right now. he still has his smile on his face as you look away, embarrassed to know that he is seeing you as this blubbering mess.
"so�" the man said, tilting his head as he looked at you expectantly.
glancing back at him, you let out a wistful sigh before nodding, "yeah⌠yeah, okay! you can join me, but!" you give him a pointed finger push straight at him. he hums with rising tone in reply. "promise me you're gonna watch before sunrise when you're homeâŚ"
heeseung snickers and nods, "okay! but how about the rest? there are two more that you said-"
"just start with that first cause i also haven't seen the other two." your reply breaks more of the ice, making heeseung's smile widen again. you both then heard the sound of his manager talking towards the two of you.
"take care of him, please, and wear your mask," the manager said to the man before you in english. when he glanced behind at the older man, heeseung gave him a thumbs up before he picked up the mask from his bag, putting the strap behind his ears, so that you can only see his eyes and the bridge of his pointy nose. even with his face half covered, his eyes seem to be as expressive as you see them looking many ways around the room.
"it's for privacy reasons because i don't want my fans to catch me," he said, voice muffled behind the mask. then, instinctively, he grabs onto the handle of your suitcase as he wants to lessen your weight.
"your fans will not find anything about me anyway if they catch you with me. and since it is for privacy reasons, i shall call you evan then when referring to you." you let out a smirk, taking his little tmi into account.
"ok!" then, heeseung turns to give a wave to his staff members. but before he can take a step away, one of the female ones approaches him as she tugs his headphones to placed it inside his bag before brushing the wrinkles of his plaid shirt as best as she could. you watch in amusement before the female staff member turns to you with a warm smile.
"i'm doing my job," the female says to make you understand as you gave her a nod, observing the way that heeseung looks much tidier and relaxed without those headphones around his neck.
"my head stylist," he referred to the woman, bowing his head as you heard numerous phrases in korean towards him, before he pulls on the suitcase as the door of the hotel lobby automatically opens to be met by the pavement of a london street.
"the privilege, huh?" you exclaimed as you met heeseung's eyes, who is now turning to you. you now stand with him on the pavement as you look at the way towards the nearest tube station, "shall we go, ethan hawke?"
"don't tease me again, please. i promise i'm going to watch it," heeseung answered, with you chuckling to his reply. your figure stood now in front of him as you guide him down the concrete path, eyes already looking around at the turn at the end of the streetâwhere you have to cross to go to the station that you arrived at last night.
you give a glance at the man behind you before turning away to the road, still can't believe the turn of events you didn't even expect, yet welcome. maybe, with him with you, it can help alleviate the heaviness that is plaguing your heart.
-
"thank you so much." you then tucked the receipt into your wallet as you stepped away from the counter, taking a glimpse of the worker behind it as they tucked your suitcase and backpack away into the storage room with other bags of people that wanted to explore without luggage hindering them. as you adjust your messenger bag's strap, you face the person that is a few steps away. heeseung's eyes move around as he gazes at the interior of paddington station behind his mask, faint creases on his forehead formed when you step closer to him; as if he's waiting for someone to find him, or nervous if someone can identify who he is.
"evanâŚ" you called, committed to using his english name to call him so that people don't recognise him. because when you both took the tube ride to this station specificallyâafter he bought an oyster card of his own so that "i have physical evidence on going to london as well"âthe posters of his concert are still fixed along the walls of the many hallways. walls that thousands, maybe even millions, of people walk by, and theyâif they are attentive enough and he is not wearing a maskâcan put the two things together. the man whose namesake you have called turns his head to face you. his mask makes him a bit blend in because you catch some people who also wear them as well.
you both walk towards one of the signs that leads the way to the many platforms. a large screen showcases the names of the trains, their end destination, and the status of their timesâa gasp coming out of him when he saw so many of them and even some that are delayed. you now stand beside him as the end of his sleeves flail from the movement. a small drop of sweat trailing down the side of his face from the transition of the season in this very september.
"why did we choose paddington?" he finally broke the silence between the two of you, eyes peering at the name of the station right there as he looked back at the way towards the underground station where he arrived from, handling your suitcase as you carried your other two bags.
"i think it's a good waypoint for us. paddington is connected to the elizabeth tube line, where you can just ride the right train that will lead you to heathrow airport. it's also running a line towards the station for my train later," you answered with the knowledge that you gained from walking around london for the past few days. ingrained in your mind is the name of the lines that you often use, such as circle, picadilly, and northern. but you always still have your trusty navigation app to know if you are going westward or eastward between the london zones.
"wait, so your train doesn't go from paddington?" heeseung caught onto your words as you face him and shake your head from left to right on repeat, "then where does it go from?"
you let out a wistful sigh, "king's cross."
his face reacted in recognition, "the king's cross from harry potter?" and you nodded your head whilst watching him chuckle, eyes creasing from the realisation.
"we should go there if we can. i think i've seen a picture of the 9 3/4 sign-"
"hold on," your open palm stops him as you lean closer to him, "we should actually decide which area we want to go. and let's try not to go from one side to the other because london is big. and are you sure you can walk far? i imagined last night's concert took a toll on you." your hand folded in front of you, a small pout forming on your lips,
"took a toll on me?" he questioned, and you then realised that maybe there are some english idioms that he hadn't heard regularly.
"i mean, you must have been tired from last night too." you tried to word it out directly as he nodded before his hand reacting.
"don't worry. i had a good warm bath last night. so my muscles are fine, thank you." he also shows one thumb up to assure you as you answer with a smile growing on your face.
"well, honestly, most of the to-do list that i haven't gotten to are around west london. that's just my personal reason for picking this station as our starting point." your mind remembers the to-do list inside your travel journal. whilst you are here, you tried your best to cross the important ones off your list. though when it comes to food and drinks, you mostly improvise. it is the way of travelling that your parents have taught you: have a clear itinerary of places or areas you want to go, but also give room for you to explore there as you like. it's one of the reasons why the times you went to brick lane and camden town have been the most memorable ones in this city.
with your eyebrows raised, you continue, "but i'm going to help guide you as well. can you list the places that you want to visit? and i'm gonna add the ones that i think you would like to visit as well."
"okay, um," heeseung stops as he lifts his hand that has his fingers folded. that is when you watch as his eyes move to the corner, observing him think. with every finger unfolded one by one, he mentioned one place. "abbey road, king's cross, the royal palace, that bridge, nando'sâŚ" an open palm is showing to you as you take in the places he mentioned. most are the ones that you have visitedâexcept for abbey roadâas he talks once again, "i think that's it. and i do want to also try to relax more, going to cafes and such. no big ben tower, i went through that street many times."
"that's because our hotel is near westminster, soâŚ" you added to his information as your eyes do the same thing as he did, going to the corner of your sight as you think about the route that you are taking. the best route to show him london, but not only focusing on the touristy places, but also to actually travel within the city. his notion to you of wanting to relax makes you think that you may have to get something to eat and enjoy the scenery as well. even if he did reassure you that he is fine with walking around so much, you can only imagine how he still has stamina from going on tour and only has a true rest in los angeles. and you take into account that you both want to slow down, even if you move from place to place.
returning your gaze, you find him fixating on you with one eyebrow raised, waiting for your thoughts as you take a breath to be able to speak, "based on what you list, i think walking around from central to west london will be enough because we're gonna end it at paddington. we might have to kill some of our darlings, though."
"k-kill⌠our darlings?" the man said in hesitation as you actually had to slap yourself in the forehead. 'be direct, (y/n).'
"it means that we can't go to every place that you want to go. especially king's cross and tower bridge-"
"no, i meant london bridge," he cuts you off as you pause to take in what he said and bob your head because, yes, you also confused that london bridge is the one with the towers.
"the bridge with the towers is called tower bridge, not london bridge," you give two small pats on his upper arm, "sorry to break the illusion."
"really?" you let out a chuckle as he actually had to fish out his phone as he searched for the fact that you said and it gives you more time to think about locations from central london to west london that could accommodate both his and your wants. picadilly circus and oxford street might've been too crowded for his liking, but you remembered that there is a nando's around covent garden, so you can choose to go there. that means that you have to reach at least trafalgar square.
"oh, wow," heeseung exclaimed, cutting through your thought as he shows you the screen of his phone to find the bridge people assume as london bridge with the subtitle of tower bridge.
"told you soâŚ" you slyly wink as you look back at the clock that is scattered across the station. 10.27. then you turn back to heeseung as you speak, "i hope you still have an empty space in your stomach because we're gonna get brunch at nando's."
"oh, cool. ok," he said, mask muffling his enthusiasm as you take a step towards the tube station from the train platforms. heeseung walks close by to you, keeping up with your pace as you both weave through the sea of people. families with suitcases, mothers and their children doing their chores, and you two: two humans not local to this very place as you keep up with the pace of people. you learned so much that, even if you don't know your end destination, you have to walk with determination. or else, you might be perceived as vulnerable, especially with the many warnings people have said about how dangerous london is with its theft cases.
walking down the stairs towards the underground stations before you have to go past the farebox, you turn towards the board that tracks the many lines of london's underground, overground, and their other public transport options. one finger raised as you trace a line from paddington towards the nearest station to covent garden, seeing the small legend for trafalgar square as you mumbled, "charring cross⌠bakerloo⌠southeastbound." beside you, you felt heeseung's figure brushing yours lightly as you read the map that you have seen from the last few days. when you trace along the multiple different colored lines, it reminds you of every commuter and metro train that you have seen yourself use. you remember using them in new york city while going through manhattan and in tokyo as you tried to find your airbnb near shinjuku station. trains have always been your favourite mode of public transportâfaster enough than busesâand you have ridden a fair share of trains as you travel, either from city to city, or country to country, like what the eurail does when you ride from paris to amsterdam before.
listening to the mumbling of your voice as you spoke what you think, heeseung follows behind you as you pull out your oyster card from your outer's pocket. he already has his hold in his hand tucked inside the pocket as he pulls it out and taps it against the farebox. walking behind you lets him see the accessories adorning your bag. the dangling colourful keychains and pins make the brown messenger bag more standout. some of it looks too do-it-yourself rather than buying it and he could identify some of the references on those pins: movie posters, movie quotes, and some sort of dice that looks like it has more sides than the six-sided ones he knows. he lets himself walk in pace with you as you both stride down the winding hallway towards your platform.
the platform is barren as he gazes at the advertisement across where he is standing on the other side of the track. tiled walls surrounding him as he now has the time to look around the platform, which looks older than he thinks and how rounded it is.
"is that why it is called the tube?" you heard him ask beside you, his eyes looking around above the mask that covers his nose and mouth. heeseung turns his head to find your sight, tilting his head, "it looks like we are inside a tube because look at how perfect the circle of the tunnel isâŚ"
you smiled at his observation, realising that you are technically standing inside a cylinder under the soil of london's surface. you turn to look at where your train is going to come fromâlocating the circle outline that he had mentioned before. he also added, "it is dangerous. if you hadn't held me back when we were on our way here before the train arrived, i would've flown towards the end of the platform."
chuckles come from both of you. you remembered around one hour ago when you were both on your way towards paddington station. heeseung still standing near the edge as you hear the echoing sound of the incoming train. your hand instinctively pull him back with a force as he is startled by it. but it came at the right time because not even five seconds later, the train zooms past both of you as you hear the screech of it braking on the track. his bangs flung from the wind as you giggled from looking at his enlarged eyes.
"yeah, glad i could help," you say between your chuckles as you turn back towards himâhe is already facing youâmaking you raise your eyebrows before he then continues the conversation.
"it's not like that back in seoul, where you have this gate that covers from the top to the bottom. london's metro seemed so dangerous," heeseung continues as he extended his arm, gesturing to how the barrier scales in height as you can picture it inside your mind's theatre.
"i've been to japan and most of their metro has a half-wall style of barrier. but that's just what makes the london one unique because i remembered it's one of the oldest metro trains in the world," you answered back, finding him reacting with a nod. you then nudge his shoulder, "there's a reason why, if you focus on the announcement before the train arrives, they will tell you to 'mind the gap between the train and platform'."
you heard him scoff as he took a step closer to your side, your clothing brushing against each other. "does it mean that there are"âheeseung's hands show up once again and moving in front of him to gestureâ"bigger gaps between the train and the platform?"
looking at how his hands illustrate the gap that is slowly widening, you can't help but bit back your laughter as you continue to explain, "there are some that is wider because the platform is straight but the track is curved. so, imagine that. i guess." and as you utter your last few words, you hear the echoing chugging of the train as you both stood near the wall behind you. the train hastily passes you as you brace to hold onto gravity from not being flung, even if it hits heeseung's figure. the announcement calls out as you turn to face him, letting him hear the words as the 'mind the gap' part shows up, and he looks back at you with an amused face that you can only see from his pair of eyes.
stepping into the train, you both found a seat side by side as you walked to it one by one. the tube atmosphere is usually quiet, maybe only with whispers as the train closes and lurches forward down the line. your eyes wander against the advertisement inside the train carriage itself before trailing down to the little panel of the line that this train takes, eyes following from paddington to your stop at charring cross. passing through the likes of oxford street, which is more of a shopping-based location. the train running on its track does feel soothing, familiar. and it makes you close your eyes even for a bit. yet, every time you close them, you can't help but think of the sad reflection you caught of yourself. a reflection that still feels so fresh because it has occurred multiple times since before you started the trip.
before you realise that you are clueless on what to do next in your life.
the open and closing of the doors, combined with brushes against your clothed knee from people finding an open seat, make you open the lids as you peer at where the train is going next. turning slightly, you detect heeseung's eyes wandering around the carriage, but specifically looking at the names of the station like he is trying to remember them even though this is the last day he'll be in the city.
as you approach charring cross, you tap a few times on his knee and give a nod as you both walk towards the doors. being on a monday late in the morning does have its perks because not a lot of people are currently on the trains while they are doing activities in their school, office, and such. you lean against the pole of the seat as you face the door. eyes looking through the glass window as the train goes past the glimpse of the platform, slowly stopping as you already see people queueing up to get in. stepping out, you once again go to walk at the front as heeseung follows you. your hand picks up your phone to open the navigation map as you type the restaurant's name, seeing it being closer to the station instead of the covent garden area.
the bustling sound of central london greets you as you walk towards the exit, your phone already tucked inside your bag as you analyse the street that you are supposed to go, remembering the location of covent garden with the pinpoint of the nando's is plastered in your mind. you felt a brush against your hand as you glanced to find heeseung beside you. slowly, you walk beside him as close as possible, crossing the street until you are far enough from the crowd and find a free space to walk to.
you heard heeseung sigh as you two take steps in tandem, "the train was pretty small. the space wasn't as big as the seoul metro."
"i can imagine. it's a struggle to stand in the space where people sit because of how narrow the train is. i think you might like the elizabeth line. the train size is pretty similar to the one that tokyo metro uses."
"and that's the train that's going to bring me to the airport?" his voice continues to ring while you guide him to turn at the corner.
"correct!" you point towards him, a small smile growing on your face as you both continue. a meters away, you find the nando's logo placed in front of a building facade that looks older, making it blend in with the exterior of other buildings surrounding it. as you step towards the door, a host greets you as you say, "for two, please. also, can we get a corner seat?"
the host looked into their monitor and nodded, "right this way."
ever since you set foot in the british islesâwhere you landed in ireland firstâyou didn't realise how both the irish and british use the word 'please' a lot. how they seemed to be more polite in talking to people. even when you are in cardiff, you hear a fair share of older women calling you 'love' when they are attending to their business from bakeries to cafes. but more in a nurturing type of call, like how a parent calls their male child, 'son'. it feels very awkward at first, but you're slowly thawing yourself for it. even though you felt like you didn't really deserve being called that way...
walking towards the corner of the dim-lit room, the host gave you both menus on the table and reminded you to call them when ready to order. heeseung slightly bowsâan instinctual habit with how he stopped from going too far.
"i think it'll be better if i sit facing the open space while you sit facing the wall. so people won't recognise you," you uttered the suggestion, remembering his concern as he reacted with an agreeable nod. heeseung then settles into his seat, bag placed beside yours on your cushioned booth seat, and he pulls off the straps of his mask. even with parts of his visage obscured, you sense your breath being taken away. his bleached bangs covered his forehead with only a small sliver of his skin showing. the bridge of his nose looks smooth as it trails to his pouty lips. heeseung leans his head back to sit straight, finally letting you see him fully in front of youâwhile he also sees you clearly for the first time.
"um," you clear your throat before gesturing to the menu, "feel free to take a look and let me know if you are ready." and heeseung answered by picking up the menu to look through it. whilst skimming through yours, your hand reaches to pick up your travel journal from your bag and open it to the bookmarked latest page of today's date. thinking back on the previous hours before right now, you found a good sentence to start today's entry with.
today, i am walking around london with a korean musician (real life before sunrise?)
the words glide easily out of you as you already start to create spaces after the two paragraphs you've written separately: spaces to put stickers or cut-off parts of brochures and receipts you find. your sight alternates between the two printed media in front of you before you glance back at heeseung to find him already staring back at you. his eyes are on your open journal as you look back to the menuâconfirming your order that you enjoyed from the last timeâbefore you raised your arm to ask for an order.
as you gaze at the host who is leaving after taking care of your meal order, you turn your eyes back to the man in front of you and say, "you ordered the spicy rice."
"i think i just missed eating rice," and with his answer, giggles are coming from your gaped lips as heeseung continues, "like really. i've eaten so much bread that i need a flavour reset for myself."
"well, good for you then," you nodded, hands now resting on the table. your journal is closed and sitting on the space at your side of the table. written in it is a lingering question that has been going on inside your mind of this person in front of you: a celebrity, in the simplest way to identify it.
"this is something that's gonna be nagging in my mind. and if i don't ask, it's just going to haunt me."
"hmm?" heeseung reacted. his hands are also resting on the table. the outer shirt looks more baggy as the cloth flings around with his movement, draping over his forearms as you return your vision to his face. his forehead already wrinkly, expecting your next words.
"how is it going with being a k-pop idol?" the question flew out of you so easily that he couldn't help but let out a chuckle and nod, like he already was expecting this very question to be asked. especially now with the opportunity showing itself.
"you're going straight to it, huh?" he bit a little part of his bottom lip.
"i mean, i have to. you're a literal world-class celebrity-"
"i am⌠notâŚ" even with the pause, the last word he uttered sounded stern. both of his hands joined with each other as he tugged a little bit of his sleeves to interlock his fingers togetherâa soothing gesture you recognised.
"well, i am curious. i can just ask the internet about your life journey, your songs, your career. maybe even more." head leaning forward to his, your voice now lowered in volume, "but since i have the real deal sitting across from me," your open palm gestures to him, "i could hear a more unbiased? biased? story about yourself." you uttered, even questioning yourself about the information that you're going to get from him.
but he appreciated you for still looking enthusiastic to know about him, even with that halt in his cadence. you're maybe one of the first people to actually be able to separate his life from his job because he has a life beyond his career.
well, heeseung couldn't encapsulate his life and career in his young adult life into a concise manner like what his fans did in a wiki forum or how a journalist summarises his ideology with just a 10-minute interview. so, if you are implying to tell him about the whole ups and downs of his career without any bias, he had to dig into the joyful and painful memories he has had.
being called a k-pop idol was not something heeseung expected to be labelled as. in his own memories, he sees his fingers playing across the piano keys when he was younger, the crowds he was nervous to perform at first to do the chopsticks waltz during an elementary school talent day event when he was around second grade. ever since that performance, he knew music was something that was going to be crucial to his life. he learned guitar afterwards and he was being called a musical prodigy at schoolâperforming on stage to the crowds of students he walked by in the hallways. by the time he was in the second year of high school, he was called to sign up for a small music label. and when it comes to a smaller labelâwhere he is among the first artists they signedâhe had to work twice as hard to prove himself worthy.
heeseung still remembers those early days when he was a senior in high school, from juggling both studying and going to events to gain his exposure, and it was such a stressful time. heeseung still remembers every street he had to busk in and every school he was invited to performâeven a performance in one of the prestigious high schools in korea a few years back, when he unexpectedly became a part of the same line-up as his current labelmate, tomorrow x together. at those days, he was somewhat of an up-and-coming indie star who had a song that went viral within the smaller music communities with the likes of parannoul and hanroro.
what he liked about his old agency was that they gave him musical freedom to explore any genre he wanted. his early songs mostly sounded like the songs he heard when he was youngerâjazz, ballad, rhythm and blues, a bit of alternative rock influence. but then his agency went into bankruptcy, and he had no place to call home.
that's until minhyun found him and took him under his wing.
heeseung knew of minhyun before. he remembered seeing the music shows on tv where he appeared with his group on stage. he even remembers his other schoolmates dancing to one of minhyun's group's songs in the same talent show he performed in the later years of elementary school. when minhyun told him about his story during one of the times they met to help train heeseung's voiceâwhy he decided to retire as an idol to help manage other musiciansâheeseung couldn't help but reflect on what his journey has been and the opportunities being given to him. but when minhyun suggests to him to come sign with bighit under his wing, heeseung faces a dilemma that he hadn't calculated until that very moment: to be a musician or an idol.
idol seems to be such a faraway concept for even heeseung, who has his liking in music. he does have his fair share of favourite songs from k-pop idols, and he has role models in some of them, especially singer-songwriters. when he was brought into the meeting room to discuss his future in bighit, he remembered one of the executives said that they can help him be like iu or if he wants to go for a hip-hop/r&b route, like crush or loco. all of them are artists that he admired and he has songs that can be made into those specific elements in his vault. but he knows that there's going to be more limitations than the ones he had when he was an artist in his old, independent label, the one that had more work and responsibilities to do. but, deep down, heeseung understands that he wants to spread his art, tell stories, and become a role model to others like those he had with the other artists in the industry.
so he signed the paper that changed his life. literally change his space and time. music show gigs, collaborations with artists he doesn't know he could do, doing concerts internationally, magazine shoots, a few scattered sponsorships here and there, a few fashion shows during fashion week, and here he is now. just in a nando's in central london waiting for his brunch to be served, with you hearing his story being told from his very lips.
"so⌠being an idol, to me, is a complex job to have. my responsibilities are more than just making people listen to my music. i have to be an influencer, a model, an actor, a community manager for my fans, all at the same time." he takes a pause to breath, not realising just how exasperated he had been while telling you the history of his career. "i've been through the idol system even though it's mostly for my dancing skills and the end result was satisfaction for me. but it comes with the stipulations, such as right now, where if i open my mask, i could be recognised immediately in some place." he lets his eyes meet yours, the sleeve of his shirt rolled a bit up now as he feels how his forearms are hard from the tense muscles coming from how his hands are formed in fists. that is when the host arrives once again to serve you your meal and drinks.
the steaming plates full of peri peri chicken sat between the two of you as you eyed yours with your complimentary mashed potato, while heeseung has his spicy rice. a bottle of the peri peri sauce sits there as you gaze at the medium level label you both choose to pick. heeseung picked up his utensils as he cut his chicken, brushing the piece against the sauce on his plate before placing it on his tongue. even though it tasted different from the usual korean fried chicken with gochujang, it tasted fresh.
"hmm!" he hums in satisfaction, picking up the rice grains with his fork and eating them. bobbing his head, he reacted to the spicier food that he had missed throughout the tour. eyes watching from you as you can't stop the smile urging to show.
"it's good, right?" you ask whilst also slicing down your own chicken.
he hums melodically, "i don't regret choosing this out of any other place to eat!"
you chuckled at his reaction as you both chow down on your meal. the taste buds of his explodes with the flavour. a bit more pepper-y and tangy than he expected, but he welcomed it. in every country that he had visited for the tour, their catering usually caters to the country's cuisine or even their version of korean food. some are good, but others are average to say the least. however, he doesn't have time to actually explore what the locals eat in those cities. and, even if nando's is a big chain scattered across the UK, he believes that it's a good representation to actually try to get so he can blend with the locals.
heeseung didn't realise just how much he enjoyed it when he saw that he finished his plate before you are done, drinking down the refreshing lemonade as he gazed back at the potato wedges he could see himself eating when he calmed himself down. the little clinks and clanks of your cutlery across from him continue as you sometimes lift your head up and catch his sight, your jaw chewing down on the food as you give him a small smile before resuming. and when he saw that you were nearly done with your food, you then asked him a profound question.
"so⌠do you see yourself as an idol now, knowing your history?"
his eyebrows moved unconsciously, raised up as he felt his forehead wrinkling. a loaded question that has been buried inside of himself after nearly four years of an idol career. something that he has also been contemplating every time he gazes at the mirror and sees his own reflection after taking a bath at the end of the day.
"i think," heeseung started to blink rapidly, "as much as that's what people told me, like the management or even the producers i work with, i," hesitance shows up as if the word that is resting on the tip of his tongue will change everything. even so, he has been thinking about it for the longest time. how his idol career brings him to many places that he once thought were impossible. the level of fame that could actually move people. yet, the constantly moving variables make him have to move at a rapid pace to catch himself up to everyone. going on an international tour after a successful release that involves global producers. people that his company helps to reach out to, or they reach out to his team first. moving in a way so that he couldn't lose relevancy.
that's the word: relevance.
when he was a budding independent musician, he didn't even think about relevance much. he focused more on legacy instead, of seeing his progression from a kid who likes music; who thinks that even if it is a viable option, it has a bigger risk. to then become a fully fledged musician. ever since he got into bighit, relevance becomes a keyword that is mostly implied in the presentation of discussing his future releases. "he has to keep up," "this is the current trending sound in the charts," "we have to capture the market quick." then, in comes the producers. heeseung has always been more of a self-producer, but he has met producers who see his vision. yet, he also has to make compromises when some of his own produced songs aren't picked and, instead, he is given a song produced by someone else.
"i- no, i don't think so." his answer started with a realisation before his confidence grew, "i think there is a distinction between idols and musicians. even if there are brand promotions like sponsorships that idols have, they are usually very⌠picky? is that the right word? for when it actually connects with my brand."
"you mean, the brands are carefully curated for you?"
a sound of a quick finger snap echoes between the two of you as he pointed to you, "yes! that's what i meant. it has to match up with my image, as the marketing people said."
"and what is this image you're talking about?" you wipe your lips with a napkin, something that makes him notice just how pretty they are.
"it, it's a self-producing idol image. that because i write songs and make them, it would make it more interestingâŚ" he voiced out the sentence that he remembered plastered in the presentation when he first enter bighit. about his re-debut to becoming a self-producing idol soloist, kind of similar to iu, with the sound of mostly r&b and pop. where the company allows him to be involved in the creation of his release, but also emphasises collaboration so that he can keep up with the industry. it's why in his recent album, he had multiple features scattered throughout the tracklistâcreating this mutual symbiosis where his feature can get his fans' attention and vice versa.
a few more minutes pass as you continue to eat and he now reaches for the potato wedge, feeling the growing agitation in talking about this whilst you are collecting your thoughts about what he explained. something heeseung had been avoiding, but now, with you, something that he actually has to face.
"so," your plate is now empty as you place your glass on the table, "you have an image of an self-producing idol. but you are one before, based on what you said to me. i know this felt probing, but- i just, when i think about what you said before." your tongue swiped against your lips, wetting them up, "the difference between an idol and a musician and you having been both of them in your career. yet you still say you aren't one. i can't help but think that the idol side is overshadowing the musician side."
heeseung doesn't stop himself from nodding to your words, helping to articulate the numerous connected threads, "because you have this⌠drive to create music. yet, because your company wants to make you relevant, it means that you are going to gigs to make you stay relevant when your main job is to create music and be an influence in it. i just can't help but see that there is a sacrifice that you have to make. i don't know what it is, though, because that is something that only you can answerâŚ"
your words ended with chuckles as you take another chug of your drink, letting the liquid hydrate you as he just watches it happening before him. yet, his mind is somewhere else.
the screams of the people who were watching him for the past few months. the reflection of their phone camera refracted from the hot lights shining on him and the stage. the way that he felt very hyped in every performance. the dopamine that becomes adrenaline for him to keep going, but also how after every concert, his body is nearing shut down until one of his staffs get to him first. the songs that he sang are a combination of his own produced songs and the ones the company picked for him, yet the latter dominate the set list. him singing other people's words that his fans think are his ownâwith the writing credits that include him even if he only changes one line of the lyrics. and now, what happens after everything?
how can heeseung top this tour? this album, which he had thought about as the most commercialised album he had done in his current career. the taste of success and fameâcoming from years of hard workâis delicious. however, heeseung realises that he can overdose on it. he had seen a few fellow idols living the way he is living. even those who have more scheduled activities per year, which makes them appear in nearly everything, and how they try their best to be as lively as possible. one sad day can be a detriment to one's career when you have eyes on you for almost all the time. and the realisation hits heeseung not with a bang, but with a crawling spark. small but unravels into something that answers multiple questions that he had been thinking about one by one.
"don't worry," heeseung's mind reverts back to focus on you, a solemn smile appears on your face, "i⌠have felt it tooâŚ"
a pregnant pause occurs between the two of you as you both process your reply. you let out a thin smile, eyes beholding him before moving away a few seconds later to raise your hand as you asked for the bill. heeseung sits across from you, replaying what you said as the abstract thought of this revelation slowly solidifies and finds a place in his mind.
that he had been unsatisfied with his career. how saturated it has become, where everyone focuses more on profit and relevance. how he had sacrificed his artistic freedom for fame, which can actually kill people directly or indirectly. that the future of his career is a blank page as he couldn't see even the slight sketches of his future beyond the encore concert back home to close out the tour and the album promotion. that, even with the weight of his songwriting notebook settling into the very bag he brought today, he knows that he isn't able to curate his own list of songs to include in the next release because of the influence of his management higher-ups. how he missed the charm of busking and being on a smaller, intimate stage that lets him see every person's reaction. how he wants to hear the mellower, experimental songs from his collection being played once again.
heeseung didn't realise that fame had consumed him until now.
as he steps out behind you outside of the nando's entrance, his hand reaches for the mask that he wore before, unconsciously put into his jean pocket when you both stepped away from the table. yet, when he knew he had to pull it out and cover his face, he just didn't want to. the boy gazes at the people walking in front of him; more people are alone, but there are also groups, such as couples and families. and yet, they don't notice him. even with his complexion as a korean man, he can still blend in with the multiculturalism that london introduces to him. and even if people see him indifferently, they just don't care and think that he is a traveller.
the presence radiates beside him as he turned to find you already looking at him. your pointer fingers circling around your own mouth, jaw, and noseâasking about his mask. and heeseung shakes his head instantly, "no need," he mouthed. if people only see him as a traveller, then let him be a traveller and enjoy the air without it being covered by the mask. because he is a person first, before he is a celebrity.
-
the walk to the next destination only takes five minutes. the street that he follows slowly widens, specks of people becoming a crowd as he sees some parked vehicles in front of brick buildings. his height doesn't really make him look that out of placeâmaking him blend more into the locals who stride with a destination in mind. you are walking in front of him, guiding him through the sea of people as you both then walk across one of the crowded pedestrian areas. his view opens to a large area where a monument stands. statues hanging around down there as he views a grand staircase and a fountain after it. on his right side: a regal-looking building where many people are coming in and out of, some are holding the yellow paper bag with "national gallery" written on it.
"trafalgar squareâŚ" you mumbled, slowing your movement to walk right beside him. heeseung gazes at the people scattered about on the plaza. the road full of cars, black-colored taxis, some lime-colored bicycles, and red double-decker buses. then, he felt a small hold on his finger as you gently pulled him away from the half wall near the stairs.
"behind you is the national gallery," you gestured to the regal-looking building that he saw, "with many paintings there, even including a monet. but what i want to show you is here." you gesture your hand back to the monument as heeseung's eyes enlarged. behind it is a long straight road, and at the end of it, he saw the famous clock tower that he had gone past in the van.
"big benâŚ" he spoke without thought.
"big ben is actually the name of the bell. a mistake that i also believed until someone told me so." your voice flows as you both face the visual composition of the buildings and skyline. he felt something warm hitting the side of his head. however, as he turned to face you, your gaze turned to look at the view. a slight breeze blowing onto your face as a few strands of your hair flutter. following you to stare back at the visual, it's when he realised that he is actually in london. many times in the cities that he had visited, he couldn't see their signature landmark while taking in the location. his stop in los angeles only lets him go to the restaurants to eat with his crew, no other exploring in the sense that he wanted to also visit hollywood. and so, he grabbed his phone to take a picture of the very scene, imprinting it into his memory as he couldn't help but take a deep breath.
like the last moment when you gaze at him taking in the viewâbefore he catches onto you as you move your head perfectlyâyou return to look at him, watching his hand holding the phone slowly go down, observing how the breeze of wind also gently caresses his skin and hair strands. how the certain tension on his forehead dissipates as heeseung closed his eyes and took a breather. your head tilts a little bit back, gazing at the clouds covering most of the sky, taking in the charm that is the gloominess of london as everyone seemed to be happy when they feel the sun beaming down on them. even with its saturated, vibrant colour, it creates depth that tells stories of what it is before you stand. of how it blends with the old style of regality.
glancing back to see his eyes now wide open, you finally say, "so we're going to buckingham palace after this, and we have two ways there, evan." once again, you raise your hand to point towards the roads connected from this large crossing. "that way leads us straight to the mall, as the locals call it. it's the road where royal parades usually go through. orâŚ" you point to the pavement by the national gallery, "we can go there and do a small detour through the west end before we go down the mall to the palace. your choice."
yet, even when he is viewing you explaining the ways towards your next destination, he notices a little quirk on the corner of your lips when you mention "west end."
"let's go to the west end then. so that we have more things to look at," with his answer, the quirk you adorned widened into a smile as you nodded; already moving as a signal for him to move along. both of your steps try to keep pace with each other as you weave around some people. heeseung's sight is on you, whose eyes are looking towards the building by the square, a slight frown forming on your visage.
"i'm sorry that we couldn't explore the gallery. time is literally our enemy right now," you remarked as he shook his head.
"that's alright. we might waste our time there instead," your head nods to his answer as you both walk down. some of the people there walk in groups, others who are alone weave through the crowd as you both try to walk near the edge so people can walk past you.
"what is the west end?" his question slips out instantly.
"it's this whole area, including covent garden that we were at, then it goes until picadilly circus, oxford street, and more." you push your right hand to the right to show the area you are mentioning. "it's the place in central london where people usually shop, especially tourists. picadilly circus has this large billboard snaking around buildings there. kind of like what shibuya crossing has in tokyo, but shorter and wider."
heeseung's eyes were already on you as you turned your head to him.n one of your hands is holding onto your bag strap as you step to lean closer to him, a smile on your face, "though, i usually associate west end as the place of plays and musicals."
his footsteps follow you as you stop at the pedestrian crossing of a three-way junction, scooting a bit to the side so you are standing by the crossing area. your hand comes to pull him closer to you, gazing at the building down the street as he shifts, squinting to see clearly what you're trying to show.
"see there?" you asked him as he followed your gaze. a crowd of people standing in front of a building that has dark signs and banners with some whites and reds. a familiar illustration that he had seen before, as he had gone past the theatres in seoul that had the same imagery.
"that's where they're showing phantom of the opera. such a cool showâŚ" you seemingly mumbling to yourself as you turn to see the crossing's light turn green. quickly, you reacted and pulled heeseung with you, jogging down the street as you arrived on the other side. the boy can't help but feel the warm touch from the part you hold on to him. standing beside him once again, you both continue to walk down the pavement to your destination.
"did you watch it? phantom of the opera?" the question shows up easily for him as he can't help but think back at the way your eyes sparkle from seeing the banner outside the building.
"guilty and more, actually." a chuckle naturally came out of you, "i think i spend many of my nights here watching plays and musicals. a musical to end the day, something like that. i watched five of them here."
"and how long are you here for?"
you giggled at his follow-up. "eight days, including when i arrived here in the afternoon."
the grey pavement stops as you gesture to heeseung to cross another road, before he then finds another set of stairs going down. both of your figure focusing to walk down the stairs as he gazes at the statue of peopleâmaybe knights, maybe kingsâbefore him. he looks up at the monuments as he takes in the view of the subject being suspended in action, before continuing down towards the path again where people are walking. to the road that you might refer to as the mall.
"and out of those five shows, which one is your favourite?"
"well⌠um," he watches how you bit your bottom lip, "i have two favourites, actually. they're phantom of the opera and hadestown." you then took a long breath before continuing to speak, "i just⌠can't help but notice how good the stage looks. hadestown has this evolving type of staging where the view of it widens around the end of act 1. it plays along with the lighting so well too, especially when orpheus was walking back in the dark, not knowing if eurydice is still there."
heeseung watches you continue to ramble, a slight smirk formed on his face, "and phantom of the opera. gosh, it is so good. the theatre didn't change much of the facade, but it does make you feel like you are in a literal opera house. the story tells of an opera within a musical, so they have many in-depth backgrounds because you are watching someone on stage acting like they are directing someone on stage. and, i swear, the chandelier! the freaking chandelier-"
you take another breather as he can't help the small giggles coming out of him, "so phantom has this chandelier that is a stage prop and actually hangs on to the ceiling because we are introduced to it as it slowly hangs at the beginning of the musical. the phantom, of course, haunts the theatre. so some strange happenings are going on as we also follow the main character named christine literally 'pay with her soul' to be good at singing operas. so let me tell you- imagine this."
your hands start to gesture all over in front of you, trying to illustrate your memory as best as you could. "i'm sitting at the front area called the stalls, where i can see the stage and all clearly. then, during the first act, the opera house is falling apart because the phantom overhears christine with another guy, raoul, and he gets angry. so, the chandelier drops! it actually fucking drops! i've heard that people say that it drops. but it genuinely drops so close to people that i can feel the wind of the swing above my head as it swings to the stage, it's justâŚ" stutters coming out of you as you don't even care how ridiculous you look in front of him, "it's such a good design and shock factor, and it is connected to the story. it is so cool!"
"it seems to me that you enjoy musicals with a cool production design. i have come across some of it before when i recorded music videos," heeseung speaks, taking in your reaction but also adding his own take on it. he remembers the reminders and direction of his music video directors and of the set that he shot at, and you seem to enjoy talking about it more rather than the music in the musical itself.
yet, your answer says something that feels unsure.
"i do- yeah," the smile on your face slowly dropping down as he noticed it at the right time, "i do enjoy itâŚ"
in an instant, awkwardness permeates around both of you as you continue walking down the path, crossing one road before the greenery takes over one side of your sight. heeseung's eyes face forwardâgetting rid of the tension seemingly bubblingâas he can see what looks to be another monument in front of a building, seemingly isolated beside two parks with high walls and fences around it. the building is still pretty far from where you are as the two of you are walking down the path there. heightened serenity exists between the two of you; nevertheless, heeseung can't help but think that he spoke wrong about the production design subject, as he felt his heart drop when your smile fades away.
a few minutes later, after a few more steps down the beautifully laid pavement, he breaks the ice once again, "why are you visiting london?"
a scoff came out as your lips broaden, wiping your hands to the side of your figure as a soothing gesture. nibbling on your lips of how ridiculous the answer is, you shake your head as you try your best to not only tell him, but hopefully make it so funny that it subdued the memory that had given you a throbbing pain before you actually take that flight away from home. "let's just say that i was conceived hereâŚ"
"what?!" his reaction comes out as he nearly stumbles before regaining his footing towards you. you affirmed your head, a slight part of your lower lip bitten to hold back your smile that eventually fails.
"my parents went to london for their honeymoon. i'm following their footsteps, but also added something more," your body is coming closer to his as you walk side by side. your digits brush a little bit of his outer shirt. "i'm travelling along the british isles. went to ireland and wales, and now i'm in london."
"where are you going next?" heeseung spoke. a hum came out of you.
"edinburgh. i'm travelling to scotland first before going down to the rest of england. then, i'll go back to london and that's when i'll be going home," you answer. the itinerary that you made, recheck, and memorised in your mind showing up as you can see the names of the cities and towns you're going to stop by. the ones that you've visited are already crossed out in the journal, the words in your mind flicker as you go down the memorised list.
heeseung stares at you, taking in your visage, "how long are you going to travel?"
"well," your head, all lifted with a chin up, now tilts down as you said, "until december. i've been starting since mid-august, landing in dublin first, then going around the island before going to this island from belfast. so yeah, five months, give or take."
his eyebrows are raised as he acknowledges with nods. five months is nearly as long as his own tour. he has been on a worldwide tour since last year. multiple countries, multiple continents, all to perform the songs he had released. he did went home a couple of times, having a rest for christmas and seollal with a one-week window time before and after to record new music or do meetings. he actually didn't realise that by the time he finishes his encore concert back in seoul, it is already near chuseokâapproaching one year of an international tour.
time seemed to fly so fast for him. but he didn't realise the scope of what he was doing until he had your schedule to compare to. now realising that the tension that is evident in his body is a result of the stress of going around in one year, having to perform nearly every three nights. and now, heeseung can't help but feel a seething sensation to know that you are travelling within the UK and irelandâin one areaâfor almost half of his touring time. where in those months, he didn't even have the time to explore the cities he visited.
and now, with your footsteps moving in tandem, you both stroll to view the building and statue getting bigger. you stand on the wide pavement beside a small park as you let heeseung gaze upon the palace before him. he views the statue that encompasses many more statues. specks of people are across the street to where there is a barricaded area from the statue to the gate of the buckingham palace. from this, you can see some people are lifting their hands, holding their devices to capture this very moment. heeseung did it too as he tugs his phone out to take a pictureâanother piece of evidence of him actually being in london.
steps taken slowly, you now stand beside him near the black fence that protects pedestrians from zooming cars, vans, and bikes. the clicking sound of him taking a picture with his phone camera becomes a constant until it fades. your eyes gaze back at the palace view that you saw beforeâthough you came from the other side as you arrived from the st. james park's tube station. even if it is blurry, you can see the signature red garment worn by the guards that protect the palace and the royals, along with staffs walking around inside the grounds.
"i think i remembered hearing that south korea was once also a monarchyâŚ"
heeseung's attention reverts back to you as he lowers his phone, taking in the view of the place before him with no obstructions, "we do. all of korea. even in seoul, there are castles, parts of defensive walls that blend in with roads and parks. there's joseon, there's silla, there are many more."
"all of koreaâŚ" you mumbled, lips moving as you think, "i would love to visit it. and since you've said 'all of korea', i remembered that all korean men have to serve the militaryâŚ" he raised his eyebrows because of your knowledge. "have you done it?"
heeseung shakes his head, a 'no'. "okay, is it becauseâŚ" you reply, return your gaze back at the guards draped in red for a few seconds before going back to him, "are you afraid?"
in his ripe age of 25, he had a fair share of people all around him that has done their mandatory service. his manager, minhyun, worked as a social service agentâtelling the younger of his experience doing military training, but also training with others. he heard stories from his brother and father too, whenever they had a family gathering. questions coming out of him such as: if he wanted to enlist, which one should he go to, which camp should he enlist in, and more.
heeseung remembers reading about the grade system and how the evaluation tells him if or where he should enlist. he doesn't really call himself athletic. sure, he likes basketball and all, and he had also done stamina training to last a long time on stage. but the thought of being on active duty, working with other soldiers, creating camaraderie to defend the country he calls home, scared him years ago. it's why he had been delaying to serve even though his brother served early before he turned 28.
the tales coming from the people in his life who experience it are not all black and white. minhyun mentioned how he became more appreciative of the people around him after helping them as his job. some people look much more muscular, more dignified, and a side of heeseung wanted to have that. he has always been jokingly called a lanky, even when he was in school. and that's why he puts his career first before the military, in a way for him to prepare himself career-wise, but also financially. something that he had to learn ever since he became an adult.
"i used to. but, i think i'll be okay," a small smile formed on his visage, eyes glancing to meet yours.
"i genuinely have to say this before i forget, evan. your english is so goodâŚ" you can't help but compliment.
"thank you. i, i think i did well. i mean i went to a language high school and also went to canada for a short course in middle school," he couldn't stop himself from chuckling.
"really? did you also go by evan there?"
"i have too. people there can mispronounce and misspell my korean name. i believe a lot of east asians do that so people can say their name easier," he blinks, remembering himself with rectangular-shaped glasses going to school in toronto for that one summer.
"shame on them, actually. why should you lot have to conform to them, even making up a new name that is more familiar with their languageâŚ" a huge sigh came out of you.
a scoff of surprise came out from the boy while he blinked rapidly; because he thought about it before. "besides," he gazed back at you, a sheepish smile on your face when you cut off his thoughts, "i think heeseung's a good name. evan suits you, and heeseung suits you more."
and with that, heeseung senses how his heart is pitter-pattering against his ribcage.
-
heeseung gazes at the greenery before him, some already losing their colour to brown as autumn is slowly coming. a cup of iced caffe latte in his hand as he peers at the back of your head, one step a bit forward from him. the little crunches against the dirt path enters his ear as he lets himself take in the park that he entered.
walking from the palace, he had asked you about what you had been doing in the city; little excerpts of episodes of your journey for more than a week here. you also add that even if you have never been to korea, you know things about it coming from your online friend that you met for the first time here. "she's a korean who went to oxford studying classics and oriental studies, from what i remembered. she actually is doing an internship at the victoria and albert museum. she was the one that i watched a shakespeare play with. because of her, i know a bit about ancient korea."
"that's awesome."
"yeah, she has a boyfriend who is graduating this year in new york city. so she was excited to visit him because she told me that the last time they met face-to-face was in paris," you said as you both carefully crossed the street. the structure of an arch stood before you as you walked past it towards hyde park.
his gaze moves to your own cold drink in your hand as he strides a bit longer to keep up with you. the wind blows against both of your outerwear as the sun shines above both of you behind the glimmers of clouds in the blue sky. bicycles went past both of you as he calculated how wide the path is. some areas are decorated with shrubs and trees. but behind it, a large grass patch with intersections of walking paths. right now, you two aren't going there as he follows you. tugging himself back into a comfortable position, he felt his sweat forming and being dried by his flannel shirt. heeseung can't help but look back at your keychains and pins and also at your enthusiasm about the plays and musicals you watched. he theorises that you were also an enjoyer of artsâadding another talking point that he can ask you about.
pigeons are flocking around and about the large pathway and also the path on his right. benches are placed meters away from each other as he sees you moving diagonally to the path connecting to where the benches are. approaching it, he can finally see the large body of water in the middle of this park. people are riding around in little paddle boats, floating along with swans, geese, and ducks. one bench sits a mother and her toddler sitting on her lap, eating his little porridge food that his mother is feeding him. on the other bench, a swarm of birds sit around a guy who is eating a sandwich, his eyes carefully looking at the avians as one of them hops close to him. the ringing of a bicycle bell turns heeseung's head to them as he watched two cyclist going in tandem. he felt the condensation of the cold drink in his hand as you finally walked to the side and settled down on the bench that sits across the body of water.
placing your bag and drink down, he sees you pulling off your outer layer as you let your skin breathe. a sigh comes naturally out of you as heeseung does the sameâputting his bag alongside his drink down and pulling his flannel off. his sleeveless shirt lets the sun shine against the colour of his skin as he ties his outer around his waist whilst looking at you, who is putting yours in your bag.
"no matter how thin it is, i thought it would be colder since it's september. but i guess not," your comments earn giggles from him as he nodded. the ray falls on you as he watches how you close your eyes and take a breath. the clouds are separating as the sun pierces down onto the ground, making the temperature balanced after the cloudy sky that he had walked under since the start of his day. tugging his bag to the side of the bench, he sits directly beside you. your hands are resting on your lap, placed with your fingertips above each other. a slight breeze blows against the strands of hair in front of your face as he stares. his lips unconsciously move; nerves coursing through his body, making him react.
and as you open your eyes, focus coming back to you from the ducks who are swimming on the pond across from you, you turn your head and meet your sight with heeseung's. a smile growing on your face as it stops before going too wide, and he mimics yours with his own flavour. you scoff at his expression and suppress more of your smile as you lean back against the bench.
"the beatles weren't wrong when they made a song about the sun coming," heeseung chuckles at your statement as he also does the sameâslouching against the backrest of his seat. the edge of your figures brushes against each other's as he sees a sliver of the rustling leaves above him from the breeze. the ambient sound becomes music in his ears as he can't help but form chords in his head coming from his perfect pitchâsomething that is pretty hard to ignore considering that making and performing music is his job.
shifting his head to your side, he then mumbles, "you met your friend who went to the university of oxford hereâŚ"
"yeah..?" you turn yours to find his.
"do you also went to university?"
the constant tap against your thigh stops as he watches how your eyes tilt downward. he can sense how your aura changes in real time. shaking your head, you bite your bottom lip for a few seconds too long before you finally say, "i did. but⌠yeahâŚ"
"but?"
you sighed, "i actually graduated earlier this year. about a year late from a regular graduating schedule because i feel dissatisfied with the major i'm in and when i wanted to change, it was too lateâŚ" your lips are still apart, like you wanted to say something more. but no words came out.
"what did you study?" heeseung says, wanting to help guide you.
"marketing. when it was around the end of my second year, i realised that the major is wholly different from what i thought it would be. besidesâŚ" your eyes flick back to him, "a marketing student without a social media presence feels illegal." a chuckle came out of you, "what about you?"
"oh, well," he blows out his breath as he thinks back about the online classes he had to take. even the ones that he does hours away from the korean timezone, "i'm doing a bachelor's course through an online university, studying broadcast and entertainment."
"i thought you'd be doing music," a small smile adorned your face. he can feel himself nodding because that's the right course of study when he is a legit musician.
"that's the only relatable course to my work because i also study entertainment management." he rubbed his hands against each other. "though, i do want to get a master's. i can probably take a master's for that or music business. i, i really want to study in an offline university, but my job says otherwise." at the mention of you doing universityâeven if it's one year lateâhe could imagine walking around campus, meeting like-minded people and all. yet, you give him back a solemn smile.
"i can say that it's not for everyone." you then do another breathing cycle. "being a marketing major means that you are surrounded by ambitious people. people that wants to be bosses in their field, finance bros and sis who think that they are better than anyone else. it feels like a turn-off to compete with them academically. and that's why i just⌠finish and get a degree."
you pull yourself up from slouching, hands now crossed in front of your torso with the palms soothing the skin that they met, "but i'm glad that i found some motivation when i joined clubs. though it did make me realise just how wrong of a major i picked that i am already doing a pivot even before my professional career starts."
"what do you like then?" heeseung's voice glides to your hearing. your eyebrows scrunched in reaction, looking at your crossed arms, then to him.
"crafts." head turned slightly towards him, "it seems that i'm a complete of you because i dislike being in the spotlight. that's why i work backstage or behind the scene, but specifically the production design and props." clearing your throat, you then pull your bag to your lap as you gently hold onto the keychains while showing off your bag's accesories. "i made all of these by myself. started it when i decided to take uni slowly instead of following other people's pace⌠marketing doesn't really go in depth into the production of it as it focuses more on how to sell the product."
you lifted one of the keychains that he had seen: the die with so many sides. the strap of it is made to look like a vine or ivy. "this is a 20-sided die keychain i made. me and a few friends from the film and theatre clubs i joined play dungeons and dragons. so i made this for them all. i also helped the game master in prepping things. custom dice, custom miniature, custom terrainâŚ"
as he listened to your current topic that lifted a smile on your face, heeseung thought back to your conversation about the musical you'd watched at the west end. how you seemed to make comments more about the staging, the appearance and direction of the show rather than the song or the actors performing. unlike what most people seem to gravitate towards. something that not most people would talk about as they are focused more on the spectacle of it all; the gravitas of the play and the drama that the characters went through overall. yet, you commented about how the chandelier in phantom of the opera like a character itself and how you can feel it falling on top of you.
"are you taking your trip only for⌠that?"
the keychain drops as you return your bag beside you and shake your head. "travelling does help in thinking on what to make next. but i travel because i want to self-reset, thinking about home from somewhere far can change anything. trying to find new experiences because i feel like i'm lacking. it's-" your hand forms a grip on top of your thigh. "something that i got, got make fun of. yet, when i try to blend in, there is still a barrier." your hands move to gesture, open palm facing each other yet not touching. "this barrier i cannot break. so i try to do it indenpendently, getting rid of my presence online and only have a select number of people i contact with from my parents, my close friends from the club, and to the korean girl i met online who now is my friend."
the hands now touch, then move to rub each other, which is more like a gesture of warming yourself instead of soothing yourself. heeseung glanced at your eyes, seeing a shine in them that didn't form more into tears. it combines with how you seem to find a perfect rhythm to calm yourself down. then, you look back at him, speaking with such steadiness that he can only see a little bit of your trembling lips after you exhale. a glint showing in your eyes, "that's why i'm not afraid to be seen with you. it's hard for people to find me anyway."
a smile etched on your face as he gazes. yet, he heard the muffled cries in his memory with his jazz songs playing in the background: of you in your hotel room. his eyebrows became furrowed from hearing it alongside the smallest thuds that he could catch from the barrier separating both of your rooms. with the little information you can tell him, heeseung might be able to piece together the big picture of what happened that night. yet, he still didn't find the flint that created the fire for you to wail in the night against the locked connecting door between the two of you.
trailing his eyes back down, he caught a glimpse of the ends of your wired earbuds peeking out from your pocket. he then reached for his bag to find his wireless headphones, remembering the first few sentences you said to him at the hotel lobby as he revealed who he is.
blinking away the emotion that almost spilt out of you, you felt something move against your arm. looking down, a hand pushed out with a dangling headphone adorned with stickers, nudging it toward yours. moving to the owner of the hand, heeseung has his eyebrows raised before leaning his head.
"you said you haven't heard my songs. i'll introduce them to you in their best quality."
you reply with your own raised eyebrow, peering at the equipment before you gently pick it up and put it on, adjusting the ear cups so that the cushion settles comfortably. heeseung let out a smirk, observing you wearing his headphones that are already connected to his phone. he opens the final intended folder without the compression that is expected from hearing it from a streaming service and presses the first file.
piano chords found their way to your eardrums as the sound expanded and you heard the man beside you sing. his voice was bright, airy, with a twitch of intonation that made it like it was trying to springboard up from the ground. the song continues as you can hear the raspiness in heeseung's singing voice, much different from the low-toned voice he uses in speaking. your head moved back at the high note he sings, guitar strings playing in arpeggio at the bottom. a smile threatening to show as you see him watching you with such an expectant smile.
one of his songs sounded like it came from the 2000s r&b scene and it made you surprised at how he is seemingly semi-rapping. your smile spills as you try to hold back by biting your bottom lip. heeseung already has his smile widen whilst watching you let go and bop your head to the rhythm. his voice sounded sexier here as you can imagine him smirking whilst singing into the microphone, even though you don't understand his mother tongue and only hear a glimpse of the english words there. another song then plays with another piano melody, now much brighter, before his voice is backânow a little more coyâas you don't stop yourself from moving your head in rhythm with the song. heeseung looked down at his phone to see which track you are listening to. seeing the minutes and seconds and the little leaking sound from the headphones, his body moved in tandem as his muscle memory moved to the choreography of the song, hands and upper body moving as your eyes widen because of his gestures. giggles filter out both of you as you then continue listening to the next track and the next.
as the last track finishes, you turn to him, peering your eyes all over him to read his body language. a breath hitch, you take in his songs and nod, now knowing what he meant when you heard him tell you of his career and the music he created now.
"and that's from your last album?" you confirmed, a pointer finger pointing at the headphones.
"yes, they are. any comments?" his arms open, "i'm okay with any, even negative ones."
"if you're sure⌠umm", you unconsciously lick your lip. the wind grazes now from behind you as it blows a few strands of your hair. his hand is itching to brush it away as he then heard you hum before you speak, "i like the mixing. it sounds nice with your voice because," you pointed towards him, "i didn't know that you have such a versatile range."
"thank you," heeseung bowed his head, already anticipating more comments as both of your eyes met once again.
"i do think that the tracks feel short. maybe some of them feel incomplete. i don't know if you're the one who is meddling with it, but because you said that your agency gives you a producer, it may come from them?" your head slanted, the headphone touching your shoulder as he takes in your comment. heeseung couldn't stop himself to think back at the comments and reviews of his latest release that other people have written, remembering much of the same keywords. 'feels too short,' 'incomplete structure,' 'it can be more.' but your comment after it did struck him. that even if he is the producer that has the highest stake on this project, he couldn't release anything without the approval of the higher up of his label.
your eyes blinked for a bit more as you watched him take in the comment, seeing his eyebrows subconsciously, showing you his reaction as you find the right timing to call for him. "evan?"
"heeseung," he corrected, eyes moving back to meet yours.
swallowing down your saliva, you asked, "can i listen to your old songs? the ones you made from your old label?"
the man's sight went back to his phone, seeing the reflection of himself in the black mirror. he expected it when he remembered what he told you. and so, his thumb gently presses the display to light the phone's screen up, and he scrolls to find the list of songs he made back thenâthe ones that are forgotten because his label couldn't promote them alongside the one he has now, even if all of the copyright and royalty of those tracks are owned by heeseung. his sight returns to you, focusing on your face as he presses the play button without looking at it. and in an instant: your face twitches with the reaction.
lips slightly pouting as he read your expression that is full of surprise, knowing that the song he chose is drastically different from the one played before. much slower, ballad-y; ethereal. seconds pass as your head moves in synchrony, making him look down as he sees the title of the song he wrote that focuses more on guitar chords in reverb. your gaze looks back at him, and he watches them gazing down his sitting body as your head moves into a slow, yet rhythmic bopping.
it continues with a few more tracks as he reads your reaction. other than the producers, engineers, staff, and fans all around him, heeseung had never seen an unbiased person reacting to his song. someone that doesn't have a stake in his revenue and a blank check with a recognition bias towards him. he nodded his head alongside you when you pointed to the cup again multiple times while mouthing, "you have a female vocalist too?"
"one of my old labelmates before it went bankrupt. she is now in a band," he mouthed back as you continue hearing. heeseung only catches the way your lips and mouth react as the tracks play one by one. you were biting your tongue as your head danced with the rhythm, mind somewhere else as he heard the leaking sound of a distorted guitar partâmaking him let out a small smile.
when it is done, as he looked at the phone to see the rundown run out, you actually let out a long exhale and slant yourself against the backrest. hands gently pulling the headphones of your head, you turn towards him with an agape mouth, his headphones resting on your lap as you shake your head. "i⌠i hear the influence of those tracks in the latest ones you made. i just think that it is more diverse in these ones, though."
"really?"
"yes, really. you-" you then bite your bottom lip, stopping yourself from grinning. yet the corner of your lips has already risen. "i didn't expect those sounds playing from the music you create now. from the soul to alternative rock, it is so different to the easy-listening r&b tracks in your new release."
softly, you lifted the handphone and handed it to him. and as your fingers brushed his, a gasp came out from both of you as he stare at his belonging and then at youâto find that you had this tinge in your eyes that contrasted with what you told him.
"you can tell me," he encouraged, staring back at you with a much looser dynamic. yet, from the way the tip of your tongue brushes against your lip, an animosity is evident in what you're about to say.
"it seemsâŚ" your eyes move to one corner of your vision, flickering as you think of the right word until you find it. "that these older tracks are livelier? like it has more soul in it. more of you in a way. i mean⌠i don't know you that much, but⌠it's much more you. it encompasses you more."
heeseung's nose flares as he feels the belief that he thought about previouslyâabout his career, his creationâcoursing through his veins. yet, he finds himself still defending against comments that he knew were truer words. "it's probably because i'm the main everything in those tracks, while the ones now are collaborations with more people than my regular team members."
you hummed to his reply as he tried not to let it show to you just how affected your words are fueling his doubt. doubt about what to do next after the encore concert. doubt if his current company will give him more freedom like the one he had compared with beforeâto let him experiment back into the roots, extrapolate the branch to see the evolution of not only his music style, but also himself as a musician and as an audiophile. listening to jazz again makes him discover and explore other artists and genres beyond the r&b label he is assigned with, especially international artists such as aphex twin or sigur rĂłs. and deep down in his heart, he wants to be able to experiment like them.
"what do you wanna make next if you have full control instead?"
"jazz," he instantly uttered, "full on jazz. a combination of big band and slow jazz. yet, it also has to have its traditional pop element, which i don't mind." heeseung shakes his head at the thought, "but it's not a thing i can do at my current situation."
"how many years do you have in your contract?" you spoke, body fully facing him as your arm rested on the backrest of the bench.
"one year left. i signed a five-year contract, and i'm now in my fourth year. and i-" the doubt flows heavily to the front of his mind, lace against his tongue as he gnaw on his cheek of what to say after. "i think i've reached my peak."
your facial expression expands at his last words. eyes wandering once again to read him. and you blink slowly and shake your head, "no." you started small. then he felt how your hand on the bench's backrest approaches his own on his lap, brushing but not fully holding as he watches how the hand hesitate, pausing for a few seconds longer before retracting. but before fully retracting, his hand flew and grabbed your hand with his. not the small grip you did to pull him along so he didn't get lost: a full, deep grip with your palms facing each other, fingers automatically move to interlock with each other as you just then realised what is happening.
"why are you saying that?" heeseung's voice starts slow.
"because you still have potential to do more. hearing you say that makes it seem that you want to give up on your music career. but i do think that even if this one chapter ended, you still have more to offer. more to live. and if experimenting is the way for you to thrive. then do it, no matter how scary it gets." your tongue wets a small part of your lip as you raise your drink and consume it. the figure before you taking in your words as he waited, both of your fingers still tangling with each other. a strand of your hair flew against your face as you brought your drink down, eyes not meeting his as he felt your fingers twitch.
"i'm experiencing it myself. to try things before it's too late. even if my marketing degree is something that i sometimes regret, i know that i still have time to do something else. even if it gives you new challenges that you must try to overcome yourself. maybe with the help of your support system." your connected hand gently moves as you talk, letting the boy feel how your gestures also speak to him. his eyes follow your lips that are changing their shape with every word, speaking with experience that you've done. but when he reverts his gaze back to your eyes, he could see a crack forming in it with the way you're thinking about it. the crack of the eye of the person who is crying that night in the hotel room. that when you said you speak with experience, you actually are, and he can sense that that experience also hurts you like his own hurts him.
that's when heeseung unconsciously gives a tight squeeze in that grip. a squeeze of assurance that he understands what you're saying, even if it is vague.
-
the sky seemingly turns brighter as the sun shines at both of you as you stand by the path, one of your earbuds dangling beside you as you give back heeseung's phone, letting him see the many pictures of his candid self. both of you now without your outerwears as you let your skin take in the afternoon sun. his giggles caught you abruptly, phone screen pushed towards you as he shows the pictures you caught.
"i like this one so much," he shows it to you. a blurry picture of him in front of the green trees and bushes that would not be there in a couple of weeks with the autumn season fully come upon the place. a wide grin on his face as you remember his laughter by making him follow your guide, pressing the capture button as much as you can. seeing that picture specifically makes a smile grow on you, of carelessness in his figure. the hesitation and doubt that has been plastered on his face since you both talked at the nando's back in covent garden is gone in the image. even if you have met and get to know each other for the past hours, you now realise that he is not what he seemed. that beyond his level of fameâhis face that is plastered along the hallways in the tubeâheeseung is still a creative through and through, more than a celebrity.
and that he is also caught in his own crossroads, like you are too.
you both then continue walking side by side, sensing a tug as you watch him place the dangling earbud to his own ear, letting him hear the sound of the whimsigothic song that is playing. both of your pinky fingers were brushing against each other as you both walked down the path. there's an open field on your right as you observe people having picnics there with their blankets laid out and lunch boxes scattered around. there's a few university-aged girls seemingly running around and taking their own photoshoots in the rare sunny day in london. it makes you unconsciously hold onto his pinky finger before you let go when you realiseâand heeseung seemed to realise too.
"i- sorry," he called out, and you shook your head.
"no! i'm sorry. i-"
"i'm genuinely sorry because i forgot to ask you back in the hotel. before we," he lets out a smile that is now as loose as the picture you took, "you know, we hold hands and such. um," both of you then slowed your steps, not wanting to even stop when you both realised just how limited your time isâhe mentioned the hour back at the bench across the serpentine where ducks and geese swim about.
"are you⌠dating someone?" the questionâeven if you expected itâfeels so unfamiliar.
"i'm not. i'm single now. well, i have been for more than five years or so. i had a boyfriend back in high school where we dated for, like, a year until our last year and we broke up as we both separated to different paths." you think back of the guy that you dated, a seemingly lucky scenario of you who is merely an average jane in your high school to attracted one of the best athletes in your year because you both were seatmates. but you still remember being ridiculed because of it, of how sometimes he limits you to hang out with your friends. that breaking up before finals and graduating is the clear choice as you don't want his ego to tie you down. however, the ridicule did grow something within you. things that you didn't think about then, now have moved to the forefront when you hear people talking about your relationship, insecurities that made you step back more and focus on one thing: creating away as a tool to take your mind somewhere.
"it's more like the saying," you glance at him, "about focusing on loving yourself first before you love other people. i think that's what i'm doing right now. well, it always has been my journey since the end of high school." your glance then meets heeseung's eyes, tilting your head to him as you both still walk in tandem. his gaze has something that you have only seen in actors when they are acting in a romance film. something you couldn't describe in words, but made you feel more of your hammering heart on a sliver of his feelings for you.
'but surely it's not that, right?'
"i'm also single because of my job and hectic schedule. i do know that people have crushes on me, both publicly with the fans but also privately with some other idols and staff members. it's just thatâŚ" heeseung unconsciously brushes his bangs away, letting a ray of the sun shine on his light brown locks. "i didn't look like this at school, and i believe that, even if you are good-looking, what makes people attracted to you is the impression that you have. but i want people to see the things beneath that impression that can be interesting, so that they don't see me only as someone handsome."
your eyebrows scrunched at his word, a hand holding onto the wires gently so that it doesn't get tangled when you both are trying to keep up with each other. "i think that thought shows up from that time in middle school where i liked one of the popular girls. a type of teenage love that she didn't reciprocate. well, i was not the good-looking guy at that time. still having a bowl cut, playing a bunch of games, while also learning piano. and i'm still that same boy, just grown up." the man meets his eyes to you once again. "so that's why i still feel weirded out with the idea of people liking me. desiring me is probably the more correct word to use."
nods come naturally for you as you imagine the description of a younger heeseung. the bowl cut hair sticking onto his head from the sweat of the school day. his face does not look as mature as today; his face is a bit softer still, with his large, beautiful nose. you can't help but chuckle at the image as he talks to the image of a popular girl in school who came into your mind. how innocent it feels, but also how the rejection helps him grow into himself years later.
"that could make a good topic for a song, you know?" you replied, nudging his arm as he let out laughter.
"i think i've written lyrics inspired by that, even if it isn't openly inspired," he answered. both of your pinky fingers are still brushing against each other until one swing of your movement makes your own hook with his. but instead of pulling away, now with a clear status that each of you had, you felt heeseung's pinky curl further in. now connected not only from the sound of the song that you both are hearing together, but also on the pulse that flows through your connected fingers: the pulse that is getting more and more prominent.
you both walk side by side as you arrive at the marble arch underground station. now being the right time to let go as you both have to be seperated to pass the fare box and the escalatorâ"we blend in by doing what the locals do," you remember reminding him when you both first rode to paddington station. as you arrive at the platform, you are full-on continuing to talk to him about letterboxd and how you have successfully make heeseung an account there as you both sitting around by the serpentine.
"h_evva_n? like evan but also heaven?"
"that and a little hint of the h for my birth name," he mentioned, saying that it is the name of his personal private instagram account as he opened his instagram to see the 'official heeseung' account with nearly a million followers compared to the one named evan with only nearly a hundred people. then, you showed him the interfaces of the app, on how to record the movies that he watched. which made you have a frown when he finally told you that he actually doesn't watch a lot of movies.
"but movies are good storytelling inspiration. like ariana grande with eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." you go on in a tangent that made him giggle as he promised to watch more movies in his spare time. after helping him put on his four favourite films, you finally tap in your username so that he can see your profile, your thumb moves as you make him follow you and you give him back his phone before opening yours to follow him back. his eyes are moving around your account with a patron tag beside your profile, the profile name of your username, "n0veltyd1cemaker", and the backdrop of your favourite movie plastered there. but he caught onto one movie in the first row he saw, and he had to voice it out.
"koyaanis⌠qatsi?"
"koyaanisqatsi, yeah," you reply as he reads the poster of the third movie of your four favourite. eyes watching as he opens the movie profile and reads the synopsis. "it's like a long music video. non-narrative documentary of pure editing and cool ass soundtrack by philip glass. it gave me an existential crisis."
"is that the most experimental movie you've watched?"
you hummed in agreement, "well, currently it is. i actually have another one that i still haven't gotten the time to. but it is a four-hour long chinese drama movie named an elephant stitting still. i have to gather myself up to watch it because i know it will be painful, for me, honestly." and you watched him with his lips now agape, baffled with your choice of a movie to watch as you both continue to converse.
by the platform, you then are talking to him about the tv shows that he watched. the earbud is back in his ear as you bob your head to the song playing. then the announcement of the incoming train rings as you brace yourself beside him, standing still against the wall as the train zooms past you both and the wheel screeches to a halt.
"we're gonna transfer at bond street to the jubilee line," you remind him as you stand forward, seeing a glimpse of his nodding head as the door opens and you both step inside.
the cart is much fuller than when you rode the tube before. you both find yourself standing on the other side of the cart from the open door. your hand securely hold onto your bag as the other grabs onto the pole, squeezing yourself into a corner. a bunch more people are moving to find a comfortable space to stand and you find heeseung standing in front of you. the proximity between you and he making you hold your breath as you feel the brush of his sleeveless shirt against your torso. you glance at the pole you were holding, feeling the cart moving as he holds onto the pole and puts a hand on the glass door to not crush you. his hand wraps the pole above your own, skin now grazes against each other. reverting back, you notice him looking at you in quietness, the r&b song continues to play in both of your ears as you can't seemingly look away from him. his eyes now piercing with the look that you've seen when you walk to the station, but now with even more clarity as you try your best to breathe regularly.
then, as you notice him leaning closer, the cart slows down when you look outside to see that you both arrived at bond street to transfer. his hand that was holding on to the pole now goes to hold yours. the bud gently fell from his ear as you slid out of the crowd and he followed. all seemed natural as you both didn't question the gesture until you arrived at the stairs going towards the next platform.
the cart in the jubilee line is much emptier as you two find a place to sit down. your hands are placed on your lap on top of your bag as you take in the rumbling heartbeat against your ribs. heeseung has his posture more relaxed, spreading his long legs in his vicinity and even touching yours. head tilted back as he closes his eyes to take an eye break. you watch his adam's apple bobbing as you can't help but nibble on your lower lip before shaking your head.
'you're thinking too much,' you remind yourself as you look away at the board of the next stop to the abbey road area you promised to bring him.
walking up the stairs, the sky that greets you is now cloudy, with the sun once again blanketed by the light grey balls of evaporated water. your eyes are observing the four-way intersection as you remembered what the map tells you to go. tucking your ipod and earbuds away, you waited to cross the street. heeseung standing beside you, eyes blinking rapidly as you both cross the road. the area you find yourself in is filled more with locals. some mom-and-pop shops are scattered about as it also blends in with the residential houses. by the looks of it, you can guess that this area is still as expensive as ever to live in, with its proximity to central london.
and so, you both walk on the pavement, beneath trees that has its leaves and branches shadows you as you continue to your destination. your sight is focusing on your right, where you find the famous pedestrian crossing. and you followed the street until you arrived at the three-way junction and saw the street name bolted on a building standing in one of the corners.
"abbey roadâŚ" heeseung said beside you. your eyes are looking around to see that there are only a few people. mostly are tourist as they are recreating the very picture that the beatles did for their album cover. you glance at the man beside you to see how he is blinking in near disbelief, that is before you feel him gripping onto your hand as you stand at the end of the road before the very crossing, letting the cars go past. and when you walk across, you feel his grip tightenâletting him take in the place.
"i should recreate this. we should," he said when you both arrived at the other side, looking back to find people crossing before it gets empty as another tourist walks to recreate the photo. but, before you say anything back, you felt a tug that brings you down the street to see a white building with a thin gated barrier. cars and vans strewn inside as you read a few writings that people made whilst slowly walking towards the entrance of the vicinity.
"abbey road studios. this is where they record their songs!" heeseung exclaimed as he walked towards the gate. the signage tells of the name there, with a list of their opening hours. doodles scattered on top of the white-painted walls surrounding it. his hand was already pulling the phone out of his pocket and pushing it towards you. "can you take a picture for me here?"
"of course!" you grabbed his phone and let him choose where to stand while you looked through the screen with the grid lines. moving the camera to make his head appear in the middle of the nine boxes, you quickly press the button after telling him that he can start posing now. from the screen, you can see heeseung let out a small smile before it slowly gets wider, and then turns into a grin as his head moves around. you can't help but also let out your own grin watching him pose. that, even with the many times you take a picture randomly, he still looks as photogenic as everâmaking something settle in yourself about your own photogenicness. there is a reason as to why it also makes you like working behind the scenes more, too.
you continue capturing the images as you see him candidly move to look at the side to find something that enlarges his eyes. finally, you stopped as he walked away from your frame, making you pull the phone down as you see him approaching an open door to what looks like the store for abbey road studios. another building there specifically to sell merchandise, supposedly. you stride behind him as he pushes the door, the colour scheme of white, red, and blue greets you as you find several items of merchandise of the beatles. scattered about in the small store, your eyes look around the tactful looking products that showcase abbey road studios' iconic logo and also an homage to the doodles that exist on its premises. writings of numerous fans of the musicians who have recorded their music here. stepping beside heeseung, he gazed at the pressing of albums recorded in this very studio. the beatles' abbey road prominently shown as it is eponymous with its name and the studios' fame.
"i think it's a dream of every musician to have a chance to record their work here. same with electric lady studios in new york." he carefully picked up one of the vinyl pressings of abbey road. "this is my favourite beatles album. a return to form from their more conceptual album like sgt. pepper."
"hmm," you reply before he faces you, "i can see that. mine's either revolver or rubber soul. depending on the day."
heeseung chuckles at your answer as he puts the item back. then you follow him as you let him see around the room before stopping at the shelf selling guitar picks that is illustrated with the graviti-esque art style of the abbey road studios. grabbing one which is full of six picks, he went to the cashier while you waited by the exit, which is separated from the entrance.
the door opens as you pull, letting the outside air in as you heard him saying "thank you" to the cashier before meeting you and tilting his head for you to go out first. stepping down a few steps from the building, you found another wall that is full of doodles. mentions of the beatles, the likes of lady gaga, pink floyd, but also of people just wanting to plaster their presence here, makes you feel a clench in your heart. an image of a tourist that also has come here and written down with a ink pen of their name and date, telling you of how they stopped by here before you. you can hear the sound of pictures taken as heeseung's camera is focused on the wall, letting him memorise the trip here too, beyond what he bought in the store.
you both walk back towards the crossing to find that it is nearly empty. fewer cars and vans are scattered as you find him staring at you again with a knowing look. like clockwork, you accept his phone as you try to remember the angle of the beatles' album cover so you can perfectly recreate it.
"i think doing it vertically is better than horizontal," you said to him as you moved the phone upright in your grip, pulling away from heeseung as he settled by the edge of the crossing. looking at the empty road, you quickly step onto the asphalt with one eye open, focusing the screen to find the right ratio of foreground and background as you count him down.
heeseung walks into the screen and you quickly capture the photos, walking from the left to the right as he seems to widen his stride to make it look more similar to the album cover. he can't help but let out laughter as you scramble back to him on the pavement. pulling up the gallery, you let him scroll down the ones you just captured and hearing gasp in awe.
"fuckâŚ" the second time you heard him curse makes you taken aback but amused at how he reacted, "this looks SO GOOD!" eagerness comes out instinctively as he pulls the phone away to face you. "now i can take a photo for you too."
"ah," your head shakes, "no, please-"
"why not? you have come here, and it may be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. you should memorise it," he tries his best to convince you as you continue shaking your head.
"there's a reason why i don't take a lot of photos of myself alone. i-"
"need help?" you both turn your heads to find the sound of the deep voice calling for you. an older brown man with salt and pepper hair, walking towards both of you. a lanyard around his neck that shows his identification, though it's unintelligible from where you are standing. "i can help take the photos for both of you."
you glanced back at heeseung to find him looking at his phone, then the older man, and then to you, "we can let him take our photo, and we can walk down there together."
the older man lets out a warm smile whilst looking at heeseung before nodding, "come on now. the sky is getting greyer every second here." he speaks with a tinge of the london accent you can hear.
turning back to heeseung, you nodded as you stepped aside and let heeseung tell the older man how and where to capture the picture. your eyes glance up at the sky. some semblance of branches is visible in your sight as you notice the sky that is getting greyerâper what the older man said. heeseung comes back to you as you both walk down the pedestrian to get the picture.
"okay!" the man said, "ready when you are."
in an instant, you felt heeseung's hand gripping onto your left one as your startled self makes both of you laugh. your eyes are staring at him, who is looking behind at you. heeseung is one stride in front of you with the glint in his eyes while you both are walking with wide smiles. arriving at the other end, more laughter erupts from both of you that you can't help but crouch down to calm yourself down, wiping away the hair that covers your face as you hear the older man's footsteps stopping behind you with his own chuckle.
"thank you so much," heeseung said as you turned to find him already tucking his phone back. you quickly brush the creases and folds of your clothes and make sure your bag is okay while pulling your phone out to open the map app once again.
"we don't have time. we should go to notting hill as soon as possible," you remind to heeseung.
"going to notting hill from here? that's gonna be a long walk, or are you riding the tube?" the older man said.
"we were thinking of using a bus," you reply, knowing from the mock test of the routes that you pick that there is no convenient way to go to notting hill from abbey road easily.
"or you can use my cab," the older man said before turning his head. you can see the black cab parked there with no driver in sight. you know that riding around in a taxi here is pretty expensive, hence why you ride around with the underground train and buses most of the time. but you glance back at the clock in your phone to see that it is 3 minutes to 4pm, and you realise that you have so many things to do in notting hill as the place where you haven't explored much here. with a sigh of both realisation and relief, you nodded.
"that will be great, sir."
"come!" he gestures you both towards the vehicle as heeseung glances back at you and you nod your head in a reply to him. he helps open the back door to let you in, scooting to the side so that heeseung can sit next to you. the ignition starts as the older manâthe driverâsettles into his seat and turns on the fare meter for your trip.
"any specific area of notting hill?" you see his wrinkled eyes in the rear-view mirror, looking at you and heeseung which he could probably see only half and half of each of your faces.
"i think the portobello road market would be great."
"of course, miss!" he said enthusiastically as the vehicle lurches forward. the man doesn't even need to use a map as he manoeuvres the cab towards the homes. your hand resting in the gap between you and heeseung. your head is looking out the window as leaves move from the kinetic energy of both vehicles and the air drafts across the city. the building you went past all seemed similar: blocky with gypsum trails on the outside. some are just entrances for a house that are usually two stories high. some have gates around themâthe wealthy peopleâwhere they can park their vehicle inside their houses' premises. yet, even though this is right on the edge of central london, it definitely is not as crowded with the evident residential presence and the smaller businesses on the main roads.
"where are you two from?" the driver said from the front seat as you focus back inside the vehicle, sensing heeseung's finger brushing yours.
"uh," you glance at him as he replies with a nod, letting you take the lead. "we came from two different nationalities, actually. we met in london and are spending the day together."
"hmm!" the older man hums, seeming enthusiastic from what you can see with the rear-view mirror. the older man's eyes, with their creased lines, smiled whilst looking at the road. and that's when you felt a warm glare piercing through your temple and heeseung's hand that moves to hold onto even a few of your fingers, finding comfort.
and you let him.
-
it only takes around five minutes to reach portobello road with the cabâa good time investment when you see that it's already past 4pm when you arrive. as the realisation dawns on you about the man beside you, you stay mostly quiet as the driver tells him of his own little escapade when he first arrived in london.
"i met my wife in an irish pub somewhere in east london. the crowd was alive there 'cause a band played an irish jig. we dance almost all night and then when to eat together. the rest is history." you let out a smile at the image of the man several decades ago, dancing in an irish pub with someone who will be a significant part of his future. heeseung replies with his own, "i haven't actually got the time to go to any pub. it's actually our last day in london."
and you let him continue the conversation for you, saying that he is a musician while you are a craft business owner. half-truths spoken to not only conceal his identity as an internationally famous idol, but also because he doesn't know what you are. well, you don't know what you are yourself and have been allowing this trip through the british isles as a way to find it. however. the way heeseung spoke of the things you've done today seems so enthusiastic to you that you are left in a dissonant state.
your little journey here encompasses only around seven to eight hours of your life. yet, he tells it with storytelling prowess like what a singer-songwriter does when making lyrics. it is at hearing his words that you taste a little bittersweetness on your tongue, that you have under two hours to explore a neighbourhood you have been wanting to visit when you made your flexible itinerary. that you have limited time around with him, and thatâeven if at first felt awkwardânow feels fun. reasons drill into your head as you think back on the voyage you both had, on how you try your best to not be seen in his photographs because you are merely there. a speck in his big, big life. you had resorted to sinking your hope down because, like a lightning in a bottle, this whole thing is near impossible to do again.
heeseung and you will go your separate ways after today. and you don't want that to affect the rest of your journey. nonetheless, you felt yourself slipping up when you first grabbed onto his hand and thought that it felt different from the moments when you were merely wanting him to catch up to you.
larger trees become less and less as you arrive at a neighbourhood. the taxi is moving underneath a viaduct, where you can see trains going above. two huge concrete blocks are placed at the entrance of the road and the cab slows down by the pavement before it. your hand already reaching for your bag as another one stops you, looking up to find heeseung's face around 30cm in front of you.
"let me pay," he persuade with enlarged eyes and the tousled bangs on his forehead. nodding slowly, the tinnitus receded as you could hear the continuation of the older man's question with heeseung answering.
"thank you so much," the word let out easily from you as the older man also thanks the two of you back. heeseung helping to close the door for you as the cab scurries away towards a group of tourists hailing it to come. looking around, the grey sky is slightly darker. the thick clouds only let a little shine of the sun to pierce through as you walk towards the closed-off road. footsteps following beside you.
entering the road, you see many tents and booths on one side of the road, and many types of shops on the buildings on each side of the road. being there on the weekday afternoon means that there aren't as many people here. some of the booths have half of their stock gone, especially the ones that sell food. clothes are hanging from hangers in the tent, and someone even brings out their van as a place to sell things. the walk continues, easier to do on the asphalt street and a less crowded street. you remembered from the map where you put all the locations that you want to visit, that down the street you are on is where the electric cinema is located. a cinema that you wanted to visit after visiting prince charles cinema back at leicester square. but now with heeseung with you and limited time, it is compromised. maybe someday you'll be able to visit.
"ooh," you hear him gasp as heeseung walks toward one of the tents. a lady around ten years older than you is residing at the front as you look at the table full of charms, keychains, and stickers. vintage-looking charms that you can feel your eyes sparkling at. gently picking one of them, the lady says, "it comes in two. for you and your friend there."
turning to the side, heeseung is focused on a few necklaces, a slight pout on his face as he focuses on the item. this is the place where you are free to shop around, of course, and you sense warmth spreading in you at how excited it all seems to be for him. 'maybe', you look down at the chain once again, 'it's a good gift for him.'
"can i get the pair?"
the transaction is quick as you hastily put the small paper bag with the items you both inside the pocket, your figure already approached heeseung, who is now looking at a few clothes at the stall next to him. his eyes widen to find you before turning back. "the style matches you more than me," as you catch the flap of your bag that looks vintage enough closing whilst you scoff.
"even if i can buy clothes, i'm trying to limit myself because i have a lot of things to buy at the end." you winked after saying it to him, making him nod in return.
"i feel the same. i can't exactly buy a big thing because i'm not the one who handles my suitcase. it might've already been checked in when i arrived at the airport."
you both continue to walk down the road, passing one intersection to continue down the blocked off portobello road market, where more stalls and booths are there. your eyes enjoy the window shopping as you feel yourself holding down on going to buy something for yourself. 'focus on experience first, especially for him,' you remind yourself. your bag brushed against your side as he took his footsteps alongside you. what you didn't realise was the way the sky had darkened enough and you felt little drops from above that you think it is sweat.
however, then it gets quicker, heavier, and you only take a glimpse at the sky before the droplets start to fall more heavily.
"run!" you exclaimed as the sound of the rain got louder, pouring down hard. your feet stepped on the asphalt that was getting wetter by the second as you turned left at the intersection to find shelter in a doorway of a closed store. heeseung follows behind you as he has a grin on his face. his sleeveless arms have droplets of rain trailing down his skin. you felt something dropping down your face as you wiped it away, chuckling at the situation as you glance back at heeseung in this small haven.
"you're gonna get a scolding from your manager," you joked at him as his chuckles continued.
"let himâŚ" he turns his head to find your facial expression mimicking him. in an instant, you sense that warm feeling again. your eyes that were trailing his slightly wet arms go up towards his face, finding the smile slowly drops with his lips now ajar. the proximity of the walls and the rain before you makes the warmth stronger and you feel yourself sinking back, already leaning against the wall as your legs are brushing his. heeseung's lip is slightly dry as you forgot to remind him of his chapstickâsomething that you'd seen him wear with his stylist before leaving the hotel lobby. however, you felt the magnetic force making both of you closer.
you don't know which one approaches closer first, but you think that it is around the same time when you felt his lips on yours. soft, gentle, hesitation. his eyelids flutter to a close first when you can see a few drops of rain at the ends of his eyelashes. your hands are aching before finally resting on his shoulder, holding yourself steady as you fully close your eyes and let the sensation hit you. your wet t-shirt suddenly feels dry because of your fastening heartbeat, flowing more blood around your body because of heeseung. your lips experimented, moving slightly as he also adjusted, puckering up as you pout as well. a slight push from each other so that your lips are fully meeting.
you are kissing heeseung. heeseung is kissing you.
and with that realisation, you both pull away with only a small distance between your lips. eyes dazed as you try your best to read the situation.
"heeseung?" you started,
"(y/n)?" he replied.
"heeseungâŚ" you answered.
"(y/n)," he echoes back, letting his forehead rest against your own. your eyes are looking down, away from his eyes as you shake your head slightly.
"heeseung," the voice that comes out of you is more stern, grounded. yet still in bafflement, "what have we done?"
you see his hand move from the corner of your eye, resting on your face as his thumb brushes against your cheekbone, making your eyes flutter as you meet his gaze.
"i don't regret itâŚ" heeseung spoke. his hand continue to cup your face as he pulls back, shaking his head to show that he indeed didn't regret kissing you. a frown naturally forms, eyebrows scrunched. yet he continues to hold your face as you read into his eyes. the warm feeling you are sensing coming from them.
with a little nibble on your bottom lip, you then said, "i don't regret it eitherâŚ"
heeseung glances to the side where droplets pour down from the small canopy, "i don't think the rain is going to stop. we have to move." his hand left your face as you moved to peek from the entrance, looking at what is beside the store as you find the familiar sign for rough trade.
"we can go to the store beside here," you return to him, "it's a music store."
without hesitation, heeseung walks first into the pouring rain to the slightly larger entrance of the store, then looks around to see that you are correct. it is, in fact, a music store. posters of various musicians are plastered on the window as he reads the writings. you are following behind him when he gently pushes the door open. the sound of a song playing in the background as rows upon rows of vinyl discs are placed in crates. something that overwhelms him because it has been a while for him to even buy physical releases. heeseung does collect them back home, but only the albums that he truly enjoys.
his shoulder brushes against yours as you go by, looking at the featured vinyls by the wall and the ones on sale. the signage that says downstairs is tempting where you can see genres that you enjoy, such as new wave and jazz. but you try your best to find the section that you want to show him. heeseung strides behind you, following along as you go past the pop and rock area. bands and musicians you've heard with their famous album covers are plastered on the wall. but your eyes are focusing on finding the r&b section.
you felt the warm gazeâheeseung'sâbeside you as you were digging through the crate with the label. eyes looking through the names and images on the outer sleeve of the album cover. you carefully move them to the front with your fingertips, pushing the edge of it towards you. then, when you see the familiar green album with the yellow and red accent, you hear the man beside you gasp.
"i've seen the album before," he mentioned as you showed him.
"erykah badu's. i think you'll like her songs. but honestly, i think you like neo soul in general. like d'angelo?" your free hand mimics a brain explosion gesture as heeseung laughs. you looked back at the packaging once again before putting it back into the crate, "as much as i want to force you to buy it, it's gonna be harder for you to pack it up."
"that's right," heeseung says, his hand tugs on the shirt around his waist as he unties it and slowly puts it on. his eyes are looking around the pop section when he catches the crate that has a k-pop label. his heart starts to beat faster as he remembers that the label did make a vinyl edition of his newest album. his fingers moving along to dig through the crateâlesser numbers than the other pop section that is divided by the alphabetâto then discover the familiar album cover. heeseung sensed a presence beside him as he shifted his head to find you, eyes already on the cover.
heeseung pushes gently so you can see clearly, "this is the album that you've heard back at the park."
"the one you're touring for?"
"yeah," your eyes focused on the cover after he answered back. the image is fully black and white, a blurry picture of heeseung. but with the distance in the photo and him being angled to the side, you can trace him clearly. a gentle smile formed on your face as you felt an itch on your hands to bring it to the counter and buy it. however, you have your own limitations with the duration of time you are still travelling and the limit of your luggage. maybe, if you visited another rough trade or other music store that also sells k-pop releases before you go home, you may still be enticed by it, knowing that you genuinely wanted to support his career.
after placing the release back into the pile, heeseung gave you nods, understanding the same sentiment as the one he has with the erykah badu album. you open your bag as you put on your outer once again, helping you to at least protect from the raindrops. you looked back at the clock to see that it was near 4.30pm and the fact of the matter of your time together running out became a motivation to continue on.
opening the door to the outside, you both stand under the cover as the rain still swarms, yet not like a shower that happened around 10 minutes ago. you are genuinely mad at yourself for leaving your umbrella in your carrier at the bag storage of paddington station. and so, you turn to heeseung and said, "we're going to go pass through the rain towards that road. just follow me."
"alright!" he spoke back, a little louder to fight against the noise of the rain. counting down, both of you blasted off towards the direction that you are pointing. you're running slightly in front under the rain, hearing heeseung laugh at the situation as he kept up with you, trying his best to cover his head with his bag as his clothes are still getting damp. you were more daring, only covering the area above your eyes so you could see clearly before glancing towards heeseung, following his laughter with your own as the rain felt more magical than everâas if all the challenges and limitations you both are feeling disappeared for a few minutes.
looking to your left, you see the sign with the blue background of the notting hill bookshop. though not the real location of the movie, it is inspired by this very bookshop where you felt your own heart pitter-pattering. you pushed the door of the shop open and held for heeseung to step in. as quickly as you can, you grab pieces of tissue that you kept inside your bag to wipe away the drops so that it doesn't get the books wet. heeseung grabs a few after you offered him and does the same, wandering eyes scanning the interior. a small shop with books scattered along the surfaces with a few people in it, including the staff. taking refuge in the shop, you smell the familiar woody scent of papers. the wooden-panelled floor creaks as you walk in with the man behind you, trying your best to navigate through the small shop as you stride to the back of the store to just find more books.
heeseung looks around overwhelmingly. most of the bookstores he go to in seoul are the big chains that sell more than books. a usual place where he buys his stationery needs and also finds k-pop albums. nevertheless, the small rooms connected to each other with books and items all around do bring him a sense of warm comfort. his eyes stay on you as you shift around in amusement, focusing more on the books than ever. an endearing view in his eyes.
"you've heard of the notting hill movie?" you break the ice.
"you know that i don't watch a lot of moviesâŚ" heeseung remarked as you snicker, turning your head towards the path you are coming from.
"this bookstore is the one that inspired the one in the notting hill movie, which is about a bookstore owner in notting hill and his relationship with an american actress who is working here. they actually shoot the movie around notting hill, which makes it cooler." your words reaching him while you move to the front of the store once again, making him notice thatâbecause of the fame of the movieâthey are selling merchandises. one of them are postcards as he trails his sight to find one that is actually a poster for the movie and the one beside it with the shop's signature blue colour contrasts the white words.
"'i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her,'" heeseung heard the sound clearly, realising that when he averts his eyes, it was actually your voice speaking it, which seems to be the quote of the movie. as your lips closed after the last few words, your head twitches before turning to face him. though his eyes peer down to your lips, the very lips that said those beautiful wordsâcreating an underlying resonance between the two of youâand the very lips that he had kissed. he is genuine with his answer in that small doorway. that he didn't regret anything when he kissed you; that he felt better because you reciprocated it, or when both of your lips met halfway, as he was certain that he pushed forward first.
he wants to do it again in this small bookstore hallway, heat now engulfing you both instead of the cold rain. but he sees the many people surrounding him and settles to just put himself closer to you, placing a hand on your back as a pout formed on your face. heeseung takes in what you've said about the movie set in this very neighbourhood, and based on your reaction as you said those words and feel his touch, he knows that you see yourself in the same position as the protagonists. and it is something that he wishes he could talk more about with you.
approaching the front, heeseung gazes at the stacks of books with differing covers. you already have a journal in your hand that you want to buy when you stopped at one side and looked at the books there. your free hand picks one up, turning the book around to look at the front and back covers, before glancing at him, "you read books?"
"sometimes. currently no."
"i was thinking, if you want of course," you push the book to his chest, making him pick it up to read the title 'pride and prejudice' on the cover. "just as a little memento and the fact that you need to watch more movies, we should buy these and read it, knowing that we have the same copy of the book." he watches a scoff came out of you, pursed lips move around as you speak what's on your mind, "maybe, someday if we met again, we can compare notes on the book. and you definitely have to watch the 2005 movie. one of the most beautiful movies i have ever seen."
heeseung's gaze looks back at the book as he thinks of your proposition. as much as he doesn't want to admit it, he is ever so close to getting a burnout. self-reflecting on what you both talked aboutâhow he doesn't fully see himself as an idol, when you mentioned that he sounds livelier in his older songsâsongs can only be created so much with the story he had inside his mind. books can be a good way to add to it, reading other people's stories to see if he can make something out of it; either inspired by said book or adapting what has been in his life to the scenario in the writings.
"that's a good idea," he voices out with the corner of his lips tugging upwards. you nodded at his agreement as you took another copy for yourself before going to the counter to pay. he glanced back at the book again, already thinking of something to make it more personalised, before grabbing it and queuing behind you.
the rain is still pouring, lighter than before but still heavy enough to soak your clothes if stayed underneath for too long. and so, after tucking your newly purchased journal and book into your bag. you stand in front of the closed door of the bookshop outside, face to face with heeseung who is looking at you for confirmation.
"honestly, i'm a little hungry."
"me too, and a little cold," heeseung answered.
"we should find a cafe near the station."
"yes, please," he replied, a hand offered as you connect it with your own.
"i'll let you lead the way this time. just go towards more to the right because that's the way to our station," you remind him as you feel him brush his thumb against the back of your hand. with your fingers interlocked, he pulls you away from the bookstore and into the rain.
both of your bags are bouncing from your movement as you both run down the wet pavement and even the empty roads. your shoes got splashed by some of the puddles as you had to remind yourself to change into your other pair to let this one dry. you felt your face getting wet from the rain pouring, already expecting to find the makeup you wore more smudgy than everâyou do like your makeup a bit messy anyway. heeseung continues down the concrete, observing the exteriors around him, when he brings you to a prominent road with wider lanes. turning right like you said, you both swerved around people walking with their open umbrellas trying to find a cafe. the boy sees the bridge and a passing train above it: the station that you mentioned that will bring you back. his eyes look closely at the windows as he finally found a cafe pretty near the bridge and brings you to the terrace. he heard you let out a sigh as you peered at the small establishment, wiping away the drops on your face, finding your hair strands clumping into one another.
the cafe is quaint and empty except for one barista who greets you. heeseung quickly settles on the chairs by the window, liking the idea of spectating the outside world while waiting for the rain to stop. the grey sky blanketed the sky as he couldn't tell that it was already five until he checked his phone. instantly, he can now feel the tiredness spreading around him from walking and standing for a while.
"evan," he heard your voice calling to him, "do you want a hot or cold drink?"
heeseung approaches you and stands behind to scan the menu, letting the proximity warm you both up as he points to the drink he wants before you order your own drink and a pastry you and he will share. "let me pay for it," he said right into your ears, and you peek at him before mouthing, "okay."
after he settled the payment, you both went to your seats with the table settling between you. putting a hand on your chest, you hoped the pressure would help calm you down as you finally settled down in front of him. and when he catches your eyes, giggles bubbled up from both of you. with hours now in between the moment when you sit across from him in that nando's, you can already feel the difference. this one is more natural. a few barriers are left between the two of you after spending your day with him. and now, as you sit in this small cafe in notting hill with the evening approaching, you can feel your heart dropping more and more inside you. a way to cool down your day, but also another step to face until you finally separate from each other: him to seoul and you to your train going to edinburgh.
silence envelopes both of you as you stare at one another, letting the day sink in, sensing how the sweat and rain are combining on your skin. the sound of the espresso machine working in the background fills the air as you piece together the questions you want to ask. your eyes notice him settle his hands on the table, clasp with each other, as you inhale to speak.
"how is london?" the question sounds simple, yet heavy at the same time.
"i love to explore more. but the places that you bring me to are great."
"glad to know, um," you turn to see the barista putting the drinks and croissant down on the table. replying with gratitude, you quickly grab your cup and drink up the warm drink. licking the excess of the drink from around your lips, you glance at him while he also takes a sip of his drink, hearing his hum before slowly putting it back on the small plate.
"you do really want to go to notting hill, huh?" heeseung started asking.
"yeah! well, other than the movie, i think it's just a cool neighbourhood. it's like a microcosm of the city with arts, markets, famous landmarks, and more. there's even a walking tour around the neighbourhood. i was considering if i could get one, but i like travelling all by myself more," you said whilst nodding your head. "and i hope you'll like the pride and prejudice book too. i don't know if i may have coerced you into buying because of me, but i genuinely like how the movie looks and i think i can see myself liking the book too." eyebrows scrunched as you gesture towards his bag.
"that's alright. i want to read more books as well. so it's good to have that one now, especially because you're reading it too," heeseung remarked, picking up the fork to gently get the pieces of the croissant that you have requested to be cut off. relief flows all over you as you take another sip, warming your body up while you let the background music from the cafe fill your presence. that awkward feeling comes once again, not because of the unknown that you both have and navigate with by talking to each other. now, it is the awkwardness of how to end it; truly ending it.
"it makes me happy to see you enjoying the neighbourhood. you do like production design a lot from the movies you mentioned and what you said about the plays and musicals you watched." heeseung notes something that strikes you, to think that he must have observed you so closely to see how you tick with your joy on those things made your cheek feel warmer than even the beverage before you.
"and also with your education and what you told me. about what you're doing," he added, eyes fluttering as you watch him thinking of something. the corners of his lips fall to their regular shape, but his next question hits you more, "is that why you're crying last night? something related to it?"
"you⌠heard itâŚ" you mumble, not intending to be a question but you see heeseung nodding his head. and immediately, the many things you've done to avoid thinking about what you received last night are shattered. the cracks let the memory of the moment that breaks you in and spread all across your thoughts. even if you know heeseung is your hotel room neighbour, you felt sorry for him to hear you wail.
"it is actually something related to it," you started. he deserved to know because you caused a hindrance to himâon the night when he should've had the best rest after a while.
your mind thinks back to the scene from last night. you see yourself in a third-person point of viewâlike a movie or stage playâheartbeat drumming against your chest, the laptop opens as you open the pages to find the thing you are looking for. breath held for a long time as you read what the screen shows, holding strongly against the wooden material whilst not realising that a tear had slid down your cheek. you had to push yourself away from the desk to actually react with your entire body.
"it's⌠about my future⌠after the tripâŚ" heeseung already watching you with his frowning eyebrows. your head is shaking to calm yourself down. "i didn't get it. the grant."
the man who sits in front of you let out an exhale. a grant. a grant for you to do something. and based on the way your eyes are starting to water, a grant to do something that you love.
"after this trip, i was hoping to go back to school again, but now for arts and crafts instead. production design as you mentioned, creating something for movies or the stage." you started slow, in chronological order, so that he understands where you are coming from. because the person in front of you is your definition of the epitome of success. a well-known, wealthy korean idol who has already done an international tour at the age of 25. and you, being the same age as him, have accomplished nothing. "so i applied for a grant specifically for arts and crafts. i pour my experiences from being a tech in theatre, creating things, and making a portfolio, into that grant. the staff was so nice when we had an interview about it and they reacted positively⌠then seeing the rejection broke me."
your hands on the table, clenched into a fistâstabilising you as you can already feel yourself trembling. "it makes me realise just how much of a failure i am. that even if i pour something into what i love, it's not enough. i'm already two years behind my friends who are thriving in their lives. and i don't want to go back to marketing anymore because i gave up so much to leave that world. and yet, when i want to move on, the universe seems not to allow me." heeseung watches your lips pursed, letting out an exhale as you continue speaking softly, "i was also not having the best time that night. someone was advancing at me. i multiple times said no and i had to be saved by the bartender before i saw the email notification for the announcement. it cummulates into what happened last night," you scoff at the notion, a tear falling down your cheek, "i didn't even sleep in the bed last night."
heeseung's heart tugs as he observes you. the muffled sound of your wails from behind the wall now has a clear definitionâhe described it as agony. the sound that he had also related to as it becomes the catalyst of the doubts created in his mind about what he is doing. from his eyes, you are the bravest person he had known. you had a similar experience to minhyun; you pivot from what you have spent a long time doing to take a different path. and even if his first company went bankrupt and had to let him go, his luck found him to minhyun and he, along with the label, managed him until he is at a level of career and fame that he never expected. yet, tiredness always stays idle beneath his skin. he never has a good night's sleep ever since a week after he signed his new contractâonly the ones that came from the doctor's order so he can feel better in his ailments. in his eyes, you are more experienced than he is in living. however, when he heard your reasoning, he felt it too. he will turn 25 after his encore concert back in seoul and he doesn't know what to do next. his encore is similar to your grant, because it is a catalyst to know what path he'll take in the future. heeseung thinks back on the words you've said as he heard you sob, muffled by you covering your face with your palms.
"i feel it too," he started, making you lift your head up, "when i heard you cry last night, you were acting out on what i'm thinking. i genuinely don't know what to do after i go back to seoul and perform my last concert for the tour. though, i do know that education doesn't have to be the sure way to secure your future. i," heeseung points to himself in the middle of his chest. "i never learned music formally. i went to a language high school, like i said before, because it is a sure way for me to get a stable job. because even at that age, i knew doing music is risky. yet, i try very hard to make a hobby that i love into something that i can do for my life. you heard my history."
"i did," you whispered back.
"and it's not as fun as yours. i would love to study at a university on-campus. finding people with similar tastes as i am and connecting through that. but i chose to sign an idol contract and have been working almost non-stop for the past few years." his adam's apple bobbed as you gazed back at him with watery eyes, thinking into his words as you imagine heeseung being someone at your campus. and the epiphany of him not actually having done that.
"i will say⌠start small. and i think you already did when you told me the things you're going to do during your trip," heeseung echoes, his words referencing the words you said before about yourself. the corner of your lips curls upwards. he remembers.
"you told me you like making miniatures, small sceneries too, and your username is 'novelty dicemaker'. i think going into the business route can be good for you because you have some of the knowledge from your marketing school," his voice sends out a clear message. "it's like songwriting for me. small parts, maybe the lyrics first, and maybe the melody first, but it combines. of course, there are things that i am not an expert in. but combining what you learned is worth more than starting from zero again, and you can learn more on the road."
heeseung sighs; the words he spoke out of his very lips feel real to him, too. if he hadn't learned in a language high school, maybe he would only be learning a certain music genre without knowing what it means in their countries. he couldn't be talking to you in english clearly, even if some of the words he had spoken seem not natural enough for a conversational english level. but he combined that to make memorable and understandable lyrics that the k-pop industry needed, especially one that likes to combine both english and korean even in the same line, now with the right grammar. if he didn't learn languages, he might struggle to communicate with peopleâespecially with the many times his multilingual studies have helped him survive in foreign countries, no matter how broken they sound against a fluent speaker. and as he blinks on his thought process, he can't help the doubts that linger about his career. facing a different case from the same root.
"i'm- no," he mumbles, correcting himself, "i know i'm not perfect. the songs i made go through a process to be judge to see which one is the perfect one to be included. but i'm also not perfect based on the choices i made. and the consequences have reached me now because i never felt this free in a long time." you heard a sniff coming from heeseung as he lets out a shaky breath. "i think i need a change of something. when you mentioned that the music i made before sounds livelier, it made me evaluate my process and realise just how limited it has been for me. even if a soloist has the most creative freedom, i'm still under my current K-pop-focused company. and i realised that iâŚ" heeseung looks downâthe words right at the edge of his tongueâand observes your hand on the table moving towards his. a slight brush against his knuckle as he blinks in rapid succession before finishing his sentence.
"i realised that i don't want to be an idol anymore. i want to focus on being a musician, a producer, a songwriter, instead of an idol, because idols are perfect. and i know i'm not. and i can't keep up with it anymore."
"then become something else." you say the words that are nagging in his mind, "you can be beyond what you were thinking. if an idol life is not for you, it's not gonna be the end of the world." eyes also look down, now with his fingers nudging to be placed in between yours, as an epiphany comes to you, "we're still young. living the first quarter of our lives. we are still able to change. i mean, i am right now⌠i think self-evaluation, like what you said before, helps to find the little things in your life that feel like they can be more. and, i'll probably say that you may need to wait after your encore concert to think beyond your current state. give yourself time to evaluate yourself."
"evaluate yourselfâŚ" the phrase came out of heeseung's voice like an echo as he nodded before letting out a solemn smirk.
"yeah, and um," your fingers finally curl against his, making him turn his palm to lock his digits with yours. "thanks for hearing me complain about things. and also for the advice. i know that it seemed so sudden, and i'm sorry for disturbing you last night."
heeseung reverts his mind back to the jazz in his ears, with the sound volume decreased as he heard your cries. and before him is the person who has told things regarding it. and now, the same person is the first person who knows about his hesitation to continue to be an idol. "thank you for giving advice too." his hand caresses you gently, "we are not perfect after allâŚ"
"no, we aren't," you echo his sentiment as you lock your eyes on him. you see the little bits of tears in the shine of his eyes, and when he lets out a small smile, you also show yours, making you both snicker at each other as you turn to the window and look at the rain. seeing a little light from the moving cloud that is slowly turning purple.
finishing the cut croissant that is divided evenly between the two of you, you let the last of your drink down as you savour the flavour, gently putting the cup down on the table. as you stare at it, you notice heeseung opening his bag from the edge of your sight and pulling out something. a white colour showing to you as he pries the plastic container open. the sounds of objects jumping enter your ear as he stabilises it, before showing it to you. the familiar colour scheme and doodle style raise your eyebrow as you take a quick peek at the little pocket in your bag.
"here's one for you," he picked up one of the guitar picks from the set of sixâthe one he bought at the abbey road studios storeâbefore pushing it to you. your eyes looked at the graffiti-style typography on it before you hold between your fingers. "i don't know if you play any instruments or not. but i did think of giving one of them to you. just a little something to think back on me and today."
a chuckle came out of your lips as you slide the pick down to your palm before you curl your fingers, covering it. you personally don't play an instrument, but you'll keep it somewhere safe. maybe, sometime in the future, you have a desire to play a guitar, and you can use the pick heeseung gave you.
he then looked back when he heard a little crack in the air as the guitar pick he gave you rested back on the table. and he traces your hand as you also pick up your bag and open a pocket, pulling something out of it before covering it up with your fist. you pushed that clasped hand out. "here, for you to remember me also," you said, turning your hand so your palm faces up and uncurled your fingers. on it, two matching chain full of charms are resting there. a large blue button hanging on the end. a small charm of a king of spades card and a queen of hearts card on each charm, then decorated with stars and little colour beaads that match and complement each other. heeseung's hand gently pinched to pick one up, staring back at you to see you nod, as he holds it before letting it fall into his other hand.
"now we have something of each other," you uttered as he replied, "agree." eyes staring at one another, a smile grows on your face as it also grows on heeseung's. both of your bags are on your lap as you gently hang the new matching charm with the collection of yours. whilst heeseung's placement made his bag less empty with a tinge of colour evident there. the appearance of it made you smirk as you saw it dangling under the light of the interior, but also from outside.
peering outside, you see how the sky is more orange than blue; the rain has gone back to a light one that made people brave enough to go around without their umbrellas. and then, you looked down at your clock to see that it was 15 minutes before 6pm. and when you look up, heeseung's gaze is already on you as you nod, seeing him let out a small smile, which is different from the glassy eyes that are evident.
both of your bags are hanging by your sides, straps adjusted to your comfort as you take a glimpse at the matching chain dangling from heeseung's bag. you go past the fare box and up the stairs to the platform. the outerwear now sticks to your clothes, wet patches still evident on some parts of both of your figures. bringing one of your buds to him, he naturally picks it up and places it in his ear, letting you take in a song that is to your likingâa shoegaze song colouring your hearing as you wait for the train to come. a few minutes later, the familiar screeching from the train braking to a stop is getting louder before it fades as the cart stands before you. the door opens as you are met with a less crowded cartâbecause people are using the other way more to go home from central london.
sitting down beside each other, heeseung gently picks up your hand and locks it with his, resting them on his thigh as you view outside at the buildings pasing by, riding onto the track on the bridges you went right under in that black-coloured taxi. as the music plays and you both watching the sky getting darker and darker, heeseung relaxes himself against his seat before he felt something resting on his shoulder. he finds you there, head leaning to the side to rest on him, as he had to hold himself from emoting with the caress from his thumb on top of your hand.
the call for paddington station makes you both sit up before standing by the door as it opens. the outdoor platform lets you breathe as you walk up the stairs towards the main train station. gently, heeseung returns the earbud to you. yet, the hands never let go as you walk through the fare box. the train station is bustling with people once again. the lights are now turned on and bright as ever. you still find some people looking at the board to see their train schedules and location of their platform.
and now, here you two are, standing in the middle of the station where people are walking all around you. his way to heathrow airport with elizabeth line is on one side, while your ride to king's cross station via the circle line is on the other side. your luggage stood around you as you tug your backpack on top of the suitcase, the handle slipped through the little part of the backpack to stay in place as you glanced at heeseung, who was haphazardly putting his book copy into his bag. you both stood in front of each other. the usual giggles coming out of both of your lips as you face one another.
"remember, ride the one with the last station as heathrow airport. i don't want you to go to reading or somewhere else," you reminded him as he took the advice, "oh, almost forgot." you lean in closer, lowering your voice, "UK airports are notorious for making people walk through their duty-free area. so, if you are not interested to buy duty free things, just follow the main path and go quickly. i had an experience of watching a group running through because they almost missed their flight."
"noted," he replied, voice lowered to follow yours. your faces are now closer to each other as you stare at him. then instantly, you felt him wrap his arms around your figureâsomething that you reciprocated back. your head rested on his shoulder, both of you giving a tight squeeze on each other as the warmth that came from his eyes now flows through you. it actually made your eyes flutter shut with the comfort. but then you felt him move slightly back as you saw his face clearly.
even with blurry eyes forming, you captured his lips perfectly. his soft lips greet yours one last time as your hand moves to cup both sides of his face. you felt his tongue sliding across your bottom lip as you took him in, letting it meet with yours as you both tried to memorise each other. a kiss that is built on the one you had at notting hill, yet this one now pours a ton of history and memories. you sense the fallen tear from your eyes as you pull back, looking back to see that his cheeks also have trails of tears.
"oh," you commented, wiping the trail away as you calm him down with soothing gestures against his cheek.
"i want to say thank you. for being here with me. help me navigate through heavy things. making me evaluate myself more than i could ever do," heeseung says, his voice sounded a little shaky as you give him a light kiss on his cheek.
"thank you also, heeseung. if it's not because of you, i would probably give up on my goal. but now i know that there is someone rooting for me." you spoke back as heeseung can't help but give your forehead a kiss. then it trails down the bridge of your nose before it lands on your lips as you both kiss again for the next five seconds.
you had to make yourself let go as you feel your heart aching. hand holding onto the handle of your suitcase so it doesn't look as shaky. "remember to watch before sunrise."
"i will," he replies immediately. then you turn to look at the clock: 5 minutes before 6pm, and him about to leave the country at around 8pm. slowly, both of you take steps away from each other towards your respective sides.
"goodbye, (y/n)." his voice rings as you pull the luggage to you, stepping a few steps away from him so that you don't get your impulses to react and give him a hug again.
with a curt nod, you reply, "goodbye, heeseung."
and with that, you turn around, walking towards the way to your tube line to king's cross. away from your travel companion that you've spent your day with. away from someone who has made you feel something you haven't felt in a while. and as you turn around to look back at him, he is already there, staring at you, unmoving from his spot.
"if you go to korea," his voice rings louder, still loud enough for you to hear against the bustling crowd of commuters, "let me know, okay?"
"yeah. okay!" you nodded as you watched his smile widen with a wave from his hand before turning around, making you both turn to go to your destination. the suitcase glides with your control as you arrive at the escalator leading you to the entrance of the underground. and you turn back once again, trying to find him. your eyes glide around the floor to see if you can find a familiar bleached, dirty blond-haired boy with a wet flannel outer clinging to his skin like what yours are doing. your sight looks straight at the entrance of elizabeth line to find someone in the same description standing meters from it. and he turns around too. the crowd seemed to feel the weight as you had a clear eyeline on him, and with that, you waved your hand at him, and he replied to yours with his own. waving until you feel satisfied.
and for the last time, you both turned away from each other. letting the day go by as you take you separated ways.
in the train car, heeseung stares out at the sky getting darker and darker towards the outside of central london. true to your words, the elizabeth line train is wider compared to the ones in the underground. his eyes then look down at the charm you bought for him, hanging on the zipper of his bag. then at the copy of pride and prejudice book you both have. he pulls it out, opening the page with the title as he sees your signature there alongside a sticker with the typography of london that you gave to him as the staff brought your belongings out when you are retrieving themâa sticker that will be added to his suitcase, knowing that it is also matching with yours.
as you walk from the platform you arrived at into king's cross station, you are met with more people. it is probably because the station is beside st. pancrasâan international train station that can lead you all along the european continent. you guide your luggage around people as you walk towards somewhere heeseung wanted to go, but due to time constraints, you both are not able to. the harry potter vibe of the platform 9 3/4 gift shop hits you as you see there is still a queue for people to take a photo at the cart installation there. and in honour of him, you enter the shop.
"there you are- your clothes are wet," minhyun commented as heeseung arrived at the airport terminal. his eyes were gliding to find the recognisable staff members in his entourage, and he found the familiar figure of his manager.
"got caught in the rain. don't want to be late," he spoke back before minhyun pats his back.
"well, i hope you had fun with her," his hyung continues and as the thought of you came into his mind. eyeline meeting yours even across the large paddington station.
"the most fun," heeseung answered, gaining a smile from his manager before he moved first. "come on, we have to quickly get in because my friend said the path to the gates will be long."
with a can of butterbear-flavoured cookies tucked inside your backpack, you are sitting facing the crowd whilst eating dinner, waiting for your train. staring at the schedule on the screen, you find the name of your train that will bring you to edinburgh, seeing how it has an on-time status. turning to the luggage beside your seat, you found the matching sticker that you bought for you and heeseung already sticking onto the exterior wallâadding to the collection of cities you have travelled to. remembering how you will arrive there by the morning, you hoped that once you get on the train, you can get the most satisfying sleep, and you hoped that heeseung also has one in his long flight. you turn your head to look at the screen, seeing that it is already 8pm local time.
by the gate, heeseung is waiting in line to get onto the plane. his hand is moving to review the pictures you took of him. the ones in hyde park, some outside of the underground station, at abbey road. but also a moving picture at the famous crossing that autoplays when he comes to it. he realised that it was the result of the taxi driver helping him. but instead, he gave heeseung a video. and as he replays it, he watches you and him walking down the crossing together. a smile etched on both of your faces as he pauses the video and zooms in on the frame with your face clearly smiling. he felt a tug in his heart looking at it, but it was something that made him feel better as he thought about what you're doing right now.
at around 9.45pm in king's cross station, you have entered the platforms and guide your luggage down the long path. your eyes looking back at your phone to see the seat number that has been booked under your name. pressing the button to open the door, you picked up the luggage with both hands on the handle and you then walked towards the luggage compartment, placing your suitcase there before bringing your backpack to the overhead compartment of your seat by the window. peering outside, you are met with the brick walls of the station, another set of trains across from you as you feel your eyes closing. the heaviness in your heart is relieved because of your talk with heeseung. and whilst you wait for the other passengers, you reach for your messenger bag to find the pride and prejudice that has heeseung's signature on it. but your focus is on your journal as you update your day as fast as possible before tiredness consumes you. from the ups and downs and all, you write it down so that when you read the entry, you will remember exactly what the memory is in your mindâscenes will show in your mind. you try your best to do so until your train departed. looking back at your clock, you can't help but think about heeseung now, whose plane has already taken off.
around 10.000 feet above the earth's surface, the plane is one hour into the 13-hour non-stop flight to seoul. heeseung sits in the soft cushions of his business class seatâcourtesy of his company's hospitalityâas he look at the screen to find out that the plane was now flying above switzerland. even with the dimmed lights to let people sleep, he couldn't feel the droopiness in his eyes, and so, he pressed the control to open the in-flight entertainment. maybe a movie can help him sleep.
scrolling through the list of movies in korean and in english, he looked at the poster one by one before stopping at one. the colour on the poster is pastel with pink being the dominant colour. there are two people on it. the girl is lying on top of the guy's lap, staring into each other's eyes. heeseung's sight moved to the typography beside the two people: before sunrise.
the very movie that you mentioned reminds you of this whole ordeal. the movie that you are adamant for him to watch. the movie that made you compare him to the male character. and hearing the way you comment about it makes him curious about how those two characters decide to travel a city together. to let him be curious as to how these two can create feelings like the way you both have for each other, even if shown through gestures and kisses. and so, he sets up his seat and puts the wired earphones into the jack that his seat provides, carefully wearing them.
then, with the poster of before sunrise right there and its synopsis that he had skim readâhis promise to you rings in his mind, remembering your face before him. heeseung presses the play button.
lissie: because i am working on these two fics at the same time (and yes, it is pretty contradictory; it gave me whiplash every time i write one fic and then write the other)
these will be long fics. so expect around 20k-30k word count
battle of the enha parks! which of the two fics would you like to read first?
jay - rock band lovers to enemies (ex lovers n bandmates, now industry rivals)
sunghoon - hurt/comfort road trip drama (strangers to lovers)
spoilers for time wave chapter iii and beyond, also subterranean homesick alien
mc?
lissie: as someone who is on the asexual spectrum, i can see time wave!mc as someone on the asexual spectrum but just starting to discover her sexuality in college. she is still in the grey area but more towards demisexual (post-losing her virginity) and it's the reason why she seemed to open up only to yeonjun. but itâs your choice to interpret time wave!mc whatever you want (don't have to follow what i said)
yeonjun?
lissie: time wave!yeonjun is canonically demiromantic but seeing as he has mentioned that he fucked someone, no specific gender or orientation, he is also likely pansexual
minjeong?
lissie: time wave!minjeong is probably hetero but just doesnât have the desire to pursue relationships based on where she is now aka preparing her concert. she is definitely an ally too
soobin?
lissie: do you notice the tension between him and time wave!yeonjun and how in his stories, they seem to be so comfortable with each other. that's time wave!soobin bi-curiosity coming out. and based on his solo fic subterranean homesick alien, soobin is canonically bisexual
min?
lissie: another canonically queer character. they are canonically non-binary! but they are also aroace (aromantic & asexual) so almost identify as "triple a" (they exclude agender)
herin?
lissie: there are no words i can describe her with other than she is a hopeless romantic. you can interpret her however you want; make her straight, curious, sapphic, or any other sexual or romantic orientation you want. so i guess, she is just queer
lissie: yes! the time wave series spans over two different timelines with the same characters, but doing different things. what makes them different is the appearance of supernatural abilities; in this current instance, it is the ability to control and rewind time, known more in the series as chronokinesis.
the supernatura timeline is the "canon" timeline of the series, where some of the characters gain supernatural abilities, with known users such as time wave!mc
the natura timeline is the "alternate" timeline of the series, where none of the characters has supernatural abilities. yet, we are introduced to this timeline when time wave!soobin dissappeared from his original timeline (supranatura) to live there: making him the soobin that we follow in subterranean homesick alien
what is ancora principalis?
lissie: defined as "anchor event", it is the type of event that will happen in every timeline. in this case, the ancora principalis is the accident involving yeonjun's mom, which is elaborated more in time wave.
the outcome of the ancora principalis will generate a different trajectory in the lives of characters, especially those who are living in or connected to the titular town of haeyang, where most of the stories is set. the supernatura timeline is where yeonjun's mom died because of the accident, while the natura timeline is where yeonjun's mom is alive.
are there any parallels between the two timelines?
lissie: of course! these parallels will be explained more in each entry of the series (as not all of them are published). as of currently, the parallels are:
time wave!mc, yeonjun, and soobin (and their alternates)
time wave!mc and sub homesick alien!mc are parallels of each other. both goes to haeyang institute of arts where the former is a fine arts major and the latter is a fashion major.
this also goes down to her relationships with the choi yeonjun and choi soobin on each timeline, where one has a relationship with yeonjun and the other has a relationship with soobin
the thing is: yeonjun and soobin has a relationship (situationship?) with each other.
this will be explored more in a future entry that is not included in the timeline, sun and sea (set in the supernatura timeline where there are actually no supernatural abilities and no natura timeline as a parallel)
beautiful boys!jay and jungwon
though the fic itself hasn't out yet, jay and jungwon in beautiful boys will be depicted as brothers.
in come in alone, it is mentioned that jay's little brother, jungwon, would like to learn drums from come here alone!jake.
what are the notable events?
lissie: these notable events are the plot points in the currently published entries that i find important to get to know. these events are connected to the timeline because it is the catalysts of one of the stories, connected to the town of haeyang, or connected to the supernatural ability that is used.
soobin's parents passed: elaborate in subterranean homesick alien
the day soobin dissappeared: elaborate in time wave
dawndreamer car crash: elaborate in come in alone
more coming soon with new timeline updates
Š writingmochi on tumblr, 2021-2026. all rights reserved
lissie: i'm currently writing two fics at the same time. but since i'm probably not gonna post them in the short time, i'm gonna serve some supplementary contents to existing serieses/anthologies
it will also be related to the milestone event for 700 too!
Hello there no wonder you know hindia, at first i thought like 'huh that hindia?' i am also from Indonesia btw. I'm anon that ask you if you're from Indonesia/Malaysia. I love your worksâ¤ď¸â¤ď¸
lissie: omg fellow indonesian! makasih udah baca (kalo keknya udh baca wkwk) but yeah, a pretty rare seasian breed in enhablr ig
synopsis: heeseung can finally breathe after finishing the final leg of his first-ever international tour. his manager gives him one day to explore london. thatâs when he meets you, a traveller from a room next to his
genre:Â slice of life, quarter-life crisis, hurt/comfort, slow burn, drama, romance, realistic fiction, musician au, tourist au, fluff, angst, set in the same universe as crossroads
based on: music hindia's "evaluasi" (2019) and movie before sunrise (1995)
word count: 37330 (37.3k)
warning(s): some curse words, mention of mental breakdown, pretty heavy life stuff like career talk, etc
message from the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life, including their thoughts and opinions.
also, addressing the elephant in the room: heeseung is actually a soloist now. this idea was made back in 2023 and i did get motivated by the many emotions from his departure to continue writing this and write this more as a closure to the whole ordeal. i hope this fic could also be one for you too...
evan and heeseung are used interchangeably !! this is also part of a collab "the deep end" which you can check out! the enhypen members exist and are not a group in this alternate universe (the end of crossroads implies that jay goes to NYU, jake goes to UNSW, sunghoon is a pro figure skater currently training in canada)! this fic will also be so dialogue-heavy so it's more tell than show (of course, inspired by the before trilogy as it's just jesse and celine talking for around two hours each time)
masterlist / soundtrack / moodboard
"THANK YOU, LONDON!"
the stage screens crawl from both sides as the sound of the fans cheering and screaming is muffled behind his in-ear monitors on both sides. eyes closed tight, his breathing slowed as he rose up from the deep bow he had givenâa near 90-degree angle. slowly, his eyes opened, and he smiled as widely as he could, feeling the breeze of the space coming from the venue towards him and grazing his skin. a spacious grin plastered on his face as he waved goodbye. his silhouette is still noticeable from the other side, as the volume of the cheers increases with his little movement. though blurry, he could see from the little crack in the moving machinery of the screen at the front of the stage, showing what happens as he doesn't stop waving his hand. the crack closes and darkness envelops him. the spotlight shines on no one before it dims.
heeseung can finally breathe out the breath he was holding back, relaxing the grip he is holding onto his handheld microphone as his hand unconsciously tremblesâpouring something out that he had kept inside of himself ever since the start of the world tour.
he did it.
he finished his concert in london. he finished the final leg of his tour, the tour that has taken him nearly to every region on earth.
when turning his head to the side as he carefully pulls out one of his in-ear buds, his breathing staggers as heeseung felt his feet becoming wobbly. all of the energy he didn't realise was depleted out of him is now felt as his lifted hand that was waving before slams down, the gravity pulling itâno more energy to hold it up any longer. his grip on the mic didn't let go, but he held his upper body upright as much as it could actually sustain him, knees buckling down to land him on the ground of the stage. but before he fully collapses, he drags himself a few steps down to the wing, where his manager, minhyun, stood by. the man notices heeseung's drowsy self, leaning in ways that don't resemble the person on stage a few minutes ago.
"hyungâŚ" he stammered, putting his hand on the older man's shoulders. sound of rummaging wakes him up as he watches the assistant managers and stylists now on each side of him as his manager hyung wraps his arm around the younger's shoulders. the staff brought him towards the chair at the wing of the stage, the very same chair that he sat hours prior whilst preparing to get on stage. the whirlling sound of portable fans hit his face as the cool air fights against his drowsy eyelids. the small cylinder of a straw poking at his parted lips as he captures it and suck the air and cold water; all of the sensations waking him up. smooth pats with a towel clean his sweaty skin as the boy can only let out a dumb smile when he sees his manager chuckle.
"you actually did it, kid!" heeseung felt minhyun shaking his shoulders before gripping one of his hands. the overwhelming happiness flowing out of that dumb smile slowly became a tear fest as he turned to his stylist, who was gently cleaning his makeup off his face, now wiping against the fallen tears that came out like a ruptured dam. heeseung's breathing now became sobs as the rush of happiness let the people around him see the joy that emits out of his sluggish figure. yet inside, that happiness slowly turns into despair. to want to go on the stage and greet his fans; to get the adrenaline rush once again. but just like minhyun said before and multiple times in the past, it can be an addiction. and by the state of where he is in right now, he knew his body couldn't handle it and he is one step closer to having a heart attack if he pushes his desire.
it's always been a dream of heeseung to do a world tour ever since he pursued music and he finally did it. from seoul to east asia, southeast asia, south asia, west asia, north america, south america, a few countries in africa, and the last leg, the european tour. heeseung had finally showcased the hours upon hours of practice he had done, the skills he had trained to the utmost level of his capability to the fans around the world. even if he only has a rest of a maximum of five days, including transport between the concert venues and countriesâwhich is a pain on its ownâbut he finally did it.
but the despair came as he realised that he didn't think far into the future. about what he will do after he finishes his worldwide tour as he goes home and does the encore back in seoul and then takes a deserved long rest. should he start writing the next song again? should he open his laptop to his workstation and scroll through his unfinished tracks to see if any of them have potential? should he push the label to try and contact producers and collaborators he would love to work with now? yet, as he thought about all of it in his mind, he didn't expect the emptiness that was surging through his vessels and nerves right to his very core.
what will happen now?
"the agency gave you a week to rest up before the encore concert in seoul," minhyun replied, seemingly reading his mind when he felt his voice brushing against one of his pierced ears. heeseung's eyes gaze around the stage as the crews move along to tidy up the place. peeking outside from between the stage rigs, he can see the fans also staying, taking as many photos as possible before they leave the venue. many still stayed behind as if they didn't want it to end. heeseung also doesn't want it to end because he doesn't know what he will do after it. but he knows one thing that is a routine he does when he is able.
"i have to soak myself," heeseung mumbles as he bites the straw between his lips. he clutches the water bottle as one of the assistants helps him to stand up and pull off the equipment on his body. then, they guide him to his green room so he could let the merch t-shirt he wore be packed and sent back along with the rest of the core crew.
"you definitely can when we arrive at the hotel, heeseung-ie. you deserve it," minhyun said as heeseung tiredly nodded, arriving in the room as he stepped behind the wooden partition that stood a little taller than him and he pulled off his stage clothes. sweat sticking and running down his skin as the muscles of his legs woke from the exhaustion since he had to dance and move around the stage. tugging on his casual oversized clothesâfrom torso to the toeâthe fabric feels so cool compared to the heated skin of his. brushing the clothes to get rid of the wrinkles, the boy steps out to grab the small towel from his postman's bag as he observes the dissipating crew that is tugging out the supplies. the stylist's sets of cosmetics and tools and the photographer's sets of lenses are all being escorted out, slowly making the room turn back into its default state.
his hair is ruffled from the sweat as he gazes at himself through the mirror, brushing the sweat away from his nape and around his jaw. the area under his eyes darkens from it looking sunken. the door closes as he is left alone in the room to gather his things. the microphone and in-ear monitor cases were already seated near his bag so he could pack them up. tidying his hair with his fingers to look more appropriate, he looked down to see the time on his phone when he found messages from his mom.
eomma
22.05 congratulations on your concert. i'm so proud of you, son
22.05 it's morning time here at home. we can't wait to greet you back tomorrow evening
22.06 go have a nice rest!
heeseung didn't realise the tremor that shows up from reading the messages. a smile cracking his face as he shakes it away, the emotions creating a turmoil in his being as he turns around and gathers his items and bag before leaving the room.
outside, minhyun stood by the door as heeseung gave a nod at him and the rest of the staff to go their merry ways. the footsteps from heeseung's walk echo within the white walls of the backstage area as he follows the green exit sign jutting down from the ceiling. thin smiles being given out left and right to in-house staffs that helped with his show, speeches of "thank you" and "have a good rest" being bounced around. he also walks past posters of previous performers that have held concerts here, from the likes of bob dylan to madonnaâa tug lifted the corner of his lips as his name will be plastered amongst them too.
stepping out of the interior, he arrives at the back area where trucks and vans gathered, similar-looking vans to be exact. it is one of his company's deals to set up similar vans so he can use it interchangably, all in a way to confuse the fans as to which van he is using. the main group of crew he brought from korea all entered the different vans.
sliding the door open, heeseung steps into the van with his manager behind him, sitting down in separate seats. he glances at minhyun, who is already writing down inside his thick planner that rested on top of his thigh. the older man gives him a small smile as heeseung fully settles, looking at the driver from the rear view mirror as he signals that the vehicle can move now. the way force works makes him brace himself against the van's cushioned seat. the tinted windows make the outside look like what he'll see with sunglasses on. fences barricade the path for the vans as he could see fans gather by, all looking towards the entourage of vans passing by with flashes being hindered by the tinted filter so they can't see inside the vansâone of which is his. yet, he could hear the known screams of the fans that he had heard from all the continents he had visited. every stop has its own distinction and it doesn't stop with the british fans, too.
but, deep down inside, he doesn't know if he's worthy of this kind of love and adoration at the same time. the fading sounds of exclamations are meters away from his moving vehicle as the entourage splits up in order to confuse the fans. as one of korea's current famous musicians, stalker fans are something of a consequence, especially with how large the fandom is. even he couldn't believe he could be as famous as his labelmate, tomorrow x together, when he sang a more distinct sound than what he called pop music. yet, he himself is the pop music, especially when it comes to domestic charts. people in korea know him, and that level of fame overwhelms him so much that he doesn't know if he can fully adapt to it or not, even if the growth is gradual.
the streets of london are painted with the bright lights of the streetlights and LED signs. he could see the famous red double-decker buses driving around, carrying passengers to their destination. the river thames is outlined with streetlights as he peeks out to see the big ben clock towerâone of the icons of londonâas he remembers how close his accommodation is to it. heeseung eyes his manager, who sits back in his seat whilst holding his headâhe remembers the older man complaining about how he could easily get dizzy on a moving vehicle when looking at his phone or something adjacent to that. admiration flowed from heeseung about his manager as he remembers his past, how his unsuccessful musician career made him change his path to do background work.
a vocalist himself, minhyun helped heeseung find the correct technique for the boy when he entered the label. he was a literal independent artist at that time, with no current backing at that time, before being asked to join his current label a couple of weeks after. after being taught the correct way for him to breathe whilst voicing out the note he intended from his voice box, heeseung finally understood how he could get rid of the headaches he got every time he finishes a song; never ready enough to continue to another song. minhyun, slowly and seemingly, becomes another brother figure to him, other than his older brother. a brother that is embraced in the flowing notes heeseung sings because of his teaching that he adapts into his own. he wished he could ask minhyun if he wants to sing for his song, but heeseung can see the trauma in the man's eyes every time he or other producers suggest it, something heeseung himself is also familiar with.
stepping out of the van, he sees one of the vans that is holding his other main crew stepping out. all of them flooding into the lobby and he gratefully couldn't see fans straying around the road. as much as he loves his fans, he also wants his privacy to be fulfilled.
minhyun steps in front of him as he mouthed to heeseung, "i'm going to go up first." the younger male nodded as he let his feet move at a slow pace, admiring the hotel he would be staying for one last night before he went back home. it is also a strategy of his company to put him in a hotel that is good enough, but not exactly too expensive or extravagant. many people aim for that kind of hotel if they wanna stalk him as "it is what he deserved", but he wanted to stay in a place a little more quaint than the most luxurious place can offer in each stop. it's why, even though he is placed in central london, his hotel is a few roads away from the main streets where he always sees people walking and shopping.
looking around the lobby area, he can hear the sound of footsteps on top of the marble tiles of the dim lobby of the hotel. the bellboys and staffs give him a small nod and a "good evening", palm wrapping around the strap of his bag as he steps into the space. his eyes wander on the hotel's interior for the first time since he arrived hereâjet lag and exhaustion causing him to quickly move and stay in his room to rest up as he couldn't be in an imperfect mode to perform his final show on the tour. heeseung's now sober, much more stable self can see a dark entrance to what must be a small bar owned by the hotel, screams of football fans watching a match from the screen as it is nearing completion with some of them wearing the jerseys of the team playing. he wished he could join them, to at least get in the mood that he is in london where the people are crazy over football, but the way the strains on his muscles react every time he moves screams at him to hurry up to return to his room and rest. and so, he did.
stepping onto the hallway of the lifts, he presses the up arrow as he listens to the hum of the moving gears behind the sliding door that is separating him from a deadly fall to the basement area. his eyes see himself in the blurry reflection of the door. the way his faded bleached light brown hair that is slowly resembling his own natural one is ruffled once again from how he tilts his body around during the van ride; admiring the view of london that he hasn't fully taken in. the corners of his mouth sliding down as he can feel the muscles of his face finally relaxes from how much he had to smile, hurting him in the process when forced too long. when the door slides open as he sees the glowing number and symbol on the screen on top of the door, he steps into the lift as he scans his room's keycard on the scanner before pressing his floor. yet, when the door almost closes, half of an arm slips in between them as the door's sensor reacts to the new passenger.
a girl enters the lift as she pulls out the keycard to her room, when heeseung then watches the eyebrows on her face lift when seeing the button already lit up: the same floor button he pressed before. her hanging pointer finger moves to press the close button as the lift doors follow its command, letting out a huge sigh as she stood next to heeseung. from the appearance, the girl seems to have been having a night out with the outfit she's wearing and the bag with its strap crossing her front. but when he sees through the reflection from the alloy on the lift's door, she is tilting her head downâhuffing her breath as it slows from the frantic breaths she was taking. her nails playing along and scratching her fingertips as he couldn't look away from the view.
the chime signals the lift door to be open as heeseung is met with the familiar wall and carpet combo that he recalls when arriving two nights ago. both he and the girl stepped out of the lift as they walked, the carpet muffling their footsteps. he thought he would separate from the girl as she was looking to the other hallway from the branching path from the lift, yet she turned to walk in front of him, ignoring him all this time, while heeseung trails behind her, eyes on the back of her head.
the girl seems to lead him to the way to his room as he lets his body follow her while also scanning the room numbers he went past. as he nears his, he strays away from the line she made towards his room, listening to the steps she made as he expected it to fade away farther down the hallway. yet, he was met with the sound of the beeping as he couldn't stop himself from turning his head, seeing the girl tilting the keycard down from the scanner before turning the handle, pushing the door as she entered the room. the room right beside his. heeseung shakes his head as he returns to his hotel room.
his temporary space is now cleaned up by the room service that had to do their job while he was rehearsing that morning. the light is dim, even the ambience could make him fall asleep. heeseung let his bare feet touch the carpeted floor before he eyes the connecting door in his room; the silhouette of the girl he met on the lift takes shape as he realises that the person he encounters is his next-door neighbour. the way she seems to cower more and more in the small space both of them share is fresh in his mind. yet, he knows he won't see her again tomorrow when he left.
opening the door to the bathroom, his first instance was to turn the bathtub tap open, adjusting it to a warm temperature that he likes. his skincare products were all put in a perfect line by the room service as he left them scattered around on the counterâhe didn't have any time to even gather them when minhyun pushed the doorbell to let him know that it was time to go. heeseung took care of himself first before shedding his outfit, feeling the stickiness from his skin reacting to the cold air from the ventilation of the bathroom. he rips open the bath salt he brought from home and pours it into the warm tub, warm enough to melt it down like grains of sugar in a teacup full of brewed tea.
slowly plunging in one of his feet, the boy lets out a deep sigh as the warmth encompasses him, gladly accepting him as he crouches down and lets his back meet the warm water. heeseung's head perfectly leans against the small curved cushion as he lets his dry hand pick up his wireless headphone, covering both of his ears as he scrolls through the music streaming app full of the playlists he curated himself. his thumb presses the play button of his smooth jazz playlist he made. the sound of the piano enters his ears, small in volume before it becomes bigger as the track continues. heeseung closes his eyes as he lets the jazz playing in his ears; he's glad he's an audiophile that invest in good headphones to hear such detail.
behind his closed eyelids, he could envision his dad beside him, sitting on the tiled floor outside of the tub in his childhood home, teaching this very technique of soaking after a long day. when he remembered his dad's face when he was younger, he couldn't believe what a splitting image his old man is to him, even when he has features of his momâhis brother taking most of mom's with a little bit of dad's. heeseung can see it now as he remembers what his dad looked like the last time he saw his family as a whole, wishing deep down that he could also be like that when he is older.
ever since heeseung lived in that home, the bathroom he shares with his brother also has a bathtub-shower combo that they have in the master bathroomâhis parents' en-suite bathroom. it was what they desired when they moved to seoul after planning for their renovation to accommodate at least four people. both of them became obsessed with soaking in a bathtub for their evening bath time after they went back from their honeymoon in japan. the boy recalled hearing dad talking about them having bathtubs everywhere, even though there are some half the size of the one he is inâsomething he had also seen when he visited japan for a schedule. his parents stayed at places near hot springs, and they went there nearly every day, taking in the culture as they brought it to their family.
"there's a reason why the japanese love onsen and sento so much. a soak at night can cure all the tiredness away, leaving you with a better, peaceful sleep."
that's what his dad told him as he asks, still playing around with the water and bubbles from soap in the tub when it splashes to little heeseung and even the old man himself. since then, he started to do the tradition his parents do, and he can feel the difference when he passes one day before soaking in warm mineral-scattered water. and now, even he has his own bathtub in his own apartment just for doing this every time he finishes a schedule and goes back home. the feeling of his muscles relaxing, his airway clearing out and unnecessary toxins from his body are also leaving. his figure relaxes more and more. and with the level of exhaustion he accumulated for the past days of travelling and walking around stages, belting out songs upon songs he had made and given for him to perfectly perform them, heeseung could actually fall into a deep and satisfying slumber he hadn't gotten in a while, even in that tub.
but something stopped him, making the water slosh around as he opens his lids as fast as he can.
the sound of muted rummages coming from the wall outside his bathroomârealising that he didn't close the door tightly as he was too preoccupied with quickly soaking his body. he could hear the muffled scream, then a thud from the door that separates his room from the other. the room where he watches the girl goes in.
heeseung doesn't want to assume much, but he knows that she entered the room aloneâhow would she enter an occupied room if she brought the keycard folder with her from even the slight glance he took at her. yet, the striking thing that he could hear from the tub he's in and the low-volumed jazz melody playing in his eardrum is faint sobs from the door. the door that the girl seemed to slam herself against. he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding as he viewed the door from the sliver slant of the opened bathroom door.
it's cathartic in a way. but he wanted to do that himself for a long while.
a small chime rings in his ear from the familiar alert from kakaotalk. picking up his phone, he could see the message from his manager who rested in the room across from him.
minhyun hyung-nim
22.57 our flight is at 8:20 tomorrow night
22.58 you have a whole day to explore london if you want. just make sure you're on your way to heathrow airport by sunset
-
the sound of the familiar alarm ringtone woke you up as you could feel the crusty moisture from your eyes. your neck is strained as your vision clears up, seeing where you are.
the floor of the carpeted hotel room you stayed in.
your limbs wobble as you try to push yourself up from the floor, eyeing the surface you lean against of the closed door connected to the neighbouring room. you drag yourself with your hand, crawling towards the bed that is still tidyâa dent in the mattress is the only reminder of you physically touching it as you see your belongings placed on top. climbing up to sit on your knees, you pulled the phone to you as you turned off the alarm, seeing it nearly died from battery shortage as you pushed yourself to stand up. walking towards your bag full of keychains, you eye the nearest socket whilst looking at the state of your room.
your backpack and suitcase are placed on top of the counter beside the wardrobe. the bag from the laundry room service of clothes you ordered came back. your laptop is placed on the desk as you see the charging cable of your phone near it. you eyed the clock at one side of the room, seeing the clear 06.05 shown with its analogue hands. but also, you can see a thrown pillow behind the chair by the desk. carefully stepping to pick it up, you see your melted makeup on top of the sheet, remembering what had happened last night.
the stickiness of the outfit you were in comes as you glimpse outside to view one of central london's streets from your window. the sheer curtain shielding you from the sudden sunlight that is slowly but surely crawling up the horizon. shaking your head, you took care of your belongings as you remembered the placements of your clothing. from the casual comfy to the comfy formal, dress, skirts, and shorts. your muscle memory remembers the placement for everything inside your suitcase, with its extra space and folded bags for souvenirs. a two-month trip you are prepared and you are ready for your next destination.
brushing your makeup-stained face, you could see how puffy your eyes are as trails of tears fell down your cheek. you let your hands massage your face as you wash it with the facewash you bought when you arrived in london. scrubbing all the suds away from your dirty skin, you couldn't keep the dam that holds your emotions from cracking, letting it show as a few drops of your tears fell down and being combined by the shower's water. the thoughts that were plaguing your mind before taking this trip came back as you let out a small, staggered sob. yet the warm shower brushes it away as fast as it could before it remains on your skin.
wearing a nice outfit that complements the look of summer transitioning to autumn, you style yourself with the skincare products that you almost ran out of, noting in your mind to buy them again in your next destination or here if you can. as you blow dry your hair, you pick up the journal that has been with you in this whole journey, seeing the list of places you hadn't finished seeing in london. you can't help but sigh that you don't know if you can fulfil it or not before you leave. picking it up, you brought it with you as you went to have breakfast.
the menu, once again, is the english breakfast you have now grown accustomed to ever since you're here. but from every part of the united kingdom you have travelled to, their definition of english breakfast is something different. some accomodate their infamous products of each region, like the ones you ate in cardiff. your phone is stacked on top of your journal as you move the utensils on the plate full of food. though your eyes can't help but look at the crowd gathering at one side of the room. the crowd that looks like they're travelling together, looking like they're there for a workshop or something. as you let the tea warm your body from the inside, you lean back as you think of the other things that you hadn't done before you have to check out. your suitcase is not finished yet as you almost forgot to pack your laptop in the backpack, your ipod is still slithering inside your messenger bag as you have to straighten the cord, and you still have to make your to-do list to buy, like your depleting soap and self-care products.
returning to your room and folding up the clothes in the way you learned from your mom, you latch the lock in the slot as you scramble the passcode. the stickers that you placed on the exterior nearly pulled off as you push it back to let them stick. the names of the cities that you have visited are placed all around the suitcase you call your own. yet, you eye the sticker of your hometown, of how far you have gotten to be here in your journey of travelling around the british isles. looking around the room as you check one last time for something you are missing, you tug your phone and your ipod into the pockets of your outerwear after plugging one of the wired earbuds to your ear, letting the sound of music entertain you as you're picking up the pieces of your luggage one by one. you look back at the room you stayed for the past four nights, and a smile appears on your face before it fades from the implication you had been facing in that last night. and you let the door close.
you're glad the lift is empty as you enter it to go down to the lobby. you still remember how last night you were hyperventilating quietly while in a small space with a man. the embarrassment that warms your body from last night's escapade that had gotten too rowdy, making you have to go back to the room as your only destination for comfort, to only be met with a piece of news that broke you. you eye the changing number on the screen on top as the ding makes you look forward, dragging the suitcase out of the lift. you're picking up the small keycard folder you were bringing as you approach the receptionist. however, your movement halts as you see the piles of suitcases by the side of the receptionist area. your mind brings you back to the crowd that you encounter when eating breakfast as you can see one of themâa man who wears a long-sleeved white shirt, cream-coloured work pants, and rounded, thick-framed glassesâholding onto a thick stack of keycards, the man looking around as if seeing if all of his crowd has finished gathering or not.
as you waited for him to finish gathering all of the keycards, you brought yourself to one of the seats there seamlesslyâas if you had done the same thing before. but this is the largest crowd you have encountered, making you believe that they're on a workshop from some office in the other cities. but when you observed more of the crowd that has gathered around you, you hear them using a language that is not the lingua franca of the UK.
foreigners, like yours truly.
you eye back on the suitcases when you see most of them have a sticker of the same flag.
a south korean flag.
you let yourself head count the people who are seemingly in the crowdâthose who gather by the suitcases as they conversed with each otherâand count them. widen eyes, you just realised that the suitcases are nearly double the amount of the people in the crowd, making you instinctively shake your head.
'why are there so many? is bringing so many suitcases actually worth it?'
"well, yeah⌠when you travel around a lot in a short time," someone replied, making you jump from your seat as you look beside you to find a man. his hair is light brown, like it is bleached instead of his natural hair colour. he wears a light grey tank top that is pretty loose, while also wearing a plaid-patterned shirt of the colour bluish grey and white. around his collar is a wireless headphone with a thick outer area. he also wears light blue jeans with a belt and a pair of brown boots. "but, i don't know much," he finished, shrugged shoulders, as you study his face.
the same man you encountered in the lift last night.
you remember his reflection as you see yours on those enclosed sliding doors, turning away so you don't keep the eye contact that you accidentally caught. you thought he wouldn't remember your face if you just stayed quiet, yet the close proximity of the space can't help but make you remember and him to you too. pretending to tilt away, you took another glance at the man as he leans forward, eyes on your suitcase standing upright by your leg: right between him and you.
"i almost thought that your suitcase was mine because i see stickers that i also have," he replied.
eyebrows raised, you turn to him, "you also collect stickers of places you went?" a chuckle bubbles from you, "i thought i was the only one because people usually just tape on random ones." you muttered the last sentence as you move your eyes to the suitcase.
"yes, well," his hand pushes up as if stopping himself, "i started from this round of the trip because it's my first time going on a trip this long to different countries. i hope that it can be a time capsule," he replied with the fluency of a native english speaker. yet you recognise the hint of wavering in his voice that you also know you have. you let out a chuckle as you continue, looking back at the sticker of a certain flag that most of those suitcases have.
"i haven't gone to south korea yet. so, this is definitely not yours."
"how'd you know i'm korean?" he asked as you raised your shoulders, jutting your chin towards the suitcases that you now know are part of his crowd. his small "oh" makes you let out a small snicker, quickly hiding it behind your lifted palm as he lets out a short, wide smile before replying.
"well, it's full of outfits i have worn for the past five? six months? that i went on tour," the man replied with a relaxed tone, making you turn your head as quick as you can when you caught on to what he was saying.
"on tour? wait? what's your name?"
to your surprise, the man lets out a big close-mouthed smile that makes his cheekbones pop; his pupils seem trembling as if he doesn't want to tell you who he is. the guilt starts to flower inside you as you understand the thought of celebrities and their desire to be private and blend in with the crowd, especially in such a setting as a hotel lobby.
"i'm heeseung." he replied as he let out a shrug.
heeseung. the name seems familiar to you. that's when flashes of images show up in your mind. posters being placed inside the tube stations when you go on the escalators and when you are transitting between different lines of the london underground. a big font of his name there with a black and white picture of him under the spotlight in front of a piano. the image of the man beside you, but with black hair, as you remember the words written at the bottom after the date. the o2 academy, brixton.
"you're the one who had a concert at the academy," you mumbled your thought before glancing to him, seeing him nod his head as the small smile he held stayedâseemingly making him more closed off than moments before. shoulders slacking even for a bit, you continue the conversation, "i actually saw your concert-goers on the tube when i went out yesterday. the hangul letters on the banners are making them stand out as they all are heading towards brixton."
"ah, really?" the man reply which you nodded. yet you see how his eyebrows furrowed and his lips separating, as if he's contemplating. wanting to ask you about something, but hasn't found the right words until he does.
"but⌠do you know who i am before i told you my name?" his eyes open wide as you see the glint in them change along with his posture. a bit more sturdy, chin held up a little higher, as if he is putting on a mask, but only half of it is fully on.
"well, genuinely, i don't know who you are before i saw those promotional posters. i also don't think that i've ever heard your song before. the info hasn't reached me yet, probablyâŚ" heeseung nods along with your answer as he seems to focus on the wired earphones you're wearing before landing on the pocket of your outerwear, where a silver rectangle is showing.
"no way." his small exclamation catches your attention as you revert your gaze back, "is that an ipod nano?"
"oh! this?" you pulled out your ipod from the pocket, seeing the sleek scroll wheel that has symbols on the play and pause. the small screen on the top displays the sade song that is playing in one of your buds. "yeah. a hand-me-down from my mom, actually. it used to be filled with her songs before she said yes when i asked if i could keep it. so i basically mod it to add a few new songs that i downloaded from the internet that i like."
the man looks down as you show the device to him. your thumb brushes against the wheel as you both can see the details of the song you are listening to: sade's "kiss of life". a small smile grew on his face before it widened. "it's been a long time since i saw this, especially since it was discontinued. you can make a profit out of it if you wanna sell it." heeseung replied and you jokingly roll your eyes at his words.
"how capitalistic your idea is." you giggled as heeseung then follows, leaning his head from the action. you eye how the flowy outer shirt bounces along with his giggling body as he can't help but cover his mouth to laugh. it dies down in a fade as you take a glance at him, finding him taking a glance at you too.
"are you going back?" he asked as he gestured towards your ensemble of luggage.
"no. i still have more places to go after this. my train's leaving at around 10 at night, so i have time to relax and visit places i still haven't gone to in london. you?" your face contort unconsciouslly, making you feel the pull from your eyebrows when you are talking about itâseemingly leaking the emotions inside you regarding this last day, the night before, and the reason why you are on this trip in the first place.
"i'm going back to seoul tonight and have a one-week-long rest before the encore concert back there," heeseung replied, a small pout on his lips as you also make one too, mirroring him like it is the most natural thing to do. you were having fun talking to him, even with these small talks. but even the fame status that you now know makes you undeserving of getting his attention. you're sure he has other things to do, like doing his other schedules and such. that's when one side of heeseung's is enveloped in shadow, making you face him as you see the man that was on the receptionist counter facing heeseungâseeing behind him that the counter is empty as the bellboys and staff are bringing out the suitcases out of the lobby.
you give the man a nod as you stand up from the cushioned seat before walking to the reception. as you let the receptionist behind the counter check you out of their system and help with the additional cost you acquired from your laundry, you turn your head around to see heeseung speaking with the man. the familiar sound of someone speaking in koreanâcredits to you watching k-dramas that your friend asks you to watch withâenters your ear as you notice heeseung's rapid change of expressions, from furrowed eyebrows that fade as you watch a sparkle forms in his eyes. just by seeing his face, you can guess that he must be a great lyricist who can describe facial expressions well. you imagine him seeing himself in the mirror as he jots down how his face contours into whatever medium he uses to write lyrics. yet, a melancholic smile seems to want to surface on your own visage as you couldn't get to know him better; knowing that he is in his own entourage that will be leaving the country tonight.
he doesn't look like a celebrity from this far angle, even though now you had an epiphany that you just interacted with a k-pop idol and he seems to enjoy it. but you realised how he seems to be much more relaxed when you tell him you don't know him or, you guess, his idol persona. you don't know if it's because of the constant hassle of being in stardom, but you acknowledge that celebrities are humans too and you definitely understand that they like to live their lives too. you also know a few acquaintances of yours who are in stardom, some become actors while others just become influencers, especially with social media becoming people's puppet masters. yet they also want their fair share of privacy to explore stuff without being followed by other people.
after you say a few "thank you" to the receptionist, the suitcase's wheels turn as you tuck back your passport and wallet inside the bag, strap sling on one of your shoulders, ready to head to push your luggage towards the doorâto make your last day in london a tad bit better as you want to forget everything that happened yesterday and also the night-
"wait!"
the voice calls out as you stop, hesitate if it's for you or not. then, you brace yourself as you turn around to see heeseung now a few steps closer to you. the man, now sitting at the seat you two were at, just gave you a nod before gesturing toward the figure standing up before you.
"i don't know your name yet," he said, even with a flat tone that makes you react in surprise. a celebrity wanting to know your name from a small banter? what an honour.
"my name is (y/n). and, uh, i think your crew is waiting for y-"
"let me justâŚ" heeseung cuts you off before taking a breath, "do you ever think⌠shit, this is going to sound so crazy," he exclaimed with an expletive in english, making your eyebrows scrunch at the unexpectedness.
"i want to talk with you more. i- i have a whole day before i go back home and as much as i love touring, i haven't had time to visit the cities i'm in. i went to rio, paris, new york city, jakarta, all those cities. but the only free time i have is between los angeles and here. i went to los angeles before, so i know the city, but i don't know london. and⌠wellâŚ" heeseung opens his hand to gesture towards you, a tight lip smile on his face.
"i was hoping you feel that," he uses his fingers to point between you and him, "connection between us."
your scrunched brows loosened as they now raised, jaw a little bit dropped as you try to articulate as best as you can with that direct drop from him, "i, uh, i did. yeah, i do feel it."
"great! so⌠um⌠this is my pitch to you, (y/n)," heeseung takes a step closer. you sense his hand brushes against your bag, "why don't i follow you around today and explore london with you? i think you know your way around and i, i want to explore the city. i don't know when will i ever go back here. but then the chance comes when you said you want to visit more places you haven't visited yet. and it is going to haunt me if i didn't ask you."
you nodded your head, yet by the looks of it, heeseung still doesn't believe you are in. and then, he starts to clap once with his hands as his facial expression changes to a look of excitementâon something that he thought about that will be enough to make you say yes.
"think about this." he leans ever closer, now you felt his hand brushing against your own, "you meet this famous musician in your trip in london and both you and him have this same habit on putting stickers on your suitcase. he stayed in the hotel room next to yours and he's inviting himself to join you walk around a city you're still getting to know. that's going to be a wild story to tell to your friends or even your children in the future," he proposes with a fluency you didn't expect, raving about this plan to entice you. yet, the way he monologues is making you feel a sense of deja vu. like you have seen this scene before somewhere in your life.
"are, are you-" giggles of disbelief bubbling up rapidly as you calm yourself down. the hand that brushed his formed into a fist to stay controlled, "are you before sunrise-ing me right now?"
"huh?" his face scrunches as your jaw drops.
"what?! you don't know before sunrise? the movie? oh my-" you shake your head still with open mouth, gulping down your speechlessness as you reply, "you're definitely doing the before sunrise thing to me."
"i don't understand what you mean." heeseung answers now with his own widen eyes and parted lips.
"okayâŚ" you take a deep breath before pushing it out. "before sunrise is this movie from the 90s about two tourists who decide to spend a night together in vienna. then they start to get to know each other and all that stuff. it's staring ethan hawke and julie delpy and it's such a good movie." you feel your face heating up as you are aware now of the implication of what this means between you and him.
he nodded at your explanation, expression changing as he put the dots on what he said to the movie you mentioned, "then yeah! i am before sunrise-ing you? even my english name is similar to ethan. it's evan, and that's a tmi by the way-"
"shut the fuck up!" you lightly push his shoulder as you can't help but fan yourself with your free hand. with your reaction, heeseung's smile makes his own eyes smile too as he laughed along with you. you rubbed your covered arms from the forming goosebumps, "technically, we're doing this like before sunset because you have to board your plane and such."
"well, my manager agrees that i can ride the train to heathrow airport at around sunset. and you say that your train is at around 10. so, we can hang out before midnight," heeseung replied, logically speaking, as you caught the implication again in his own words.
"what the- both of them are part of the before trilogy. before sunset and before midnight. what the heck is happening?" you mumble to yourself, nearly panicking as you just can't stop giggling in whatever situation you're in right now. he still has his smile on his face as you look away, embarrassed to know that he is seeing you as this blubbering mess.
"so�" the man said, tilting his head as he looked at you expectantly.
glancing back at him, you let out a wistful sigh before nodding, "yeah⌠yeah, okay! you can join me, but!" you give him a pointed finger push straight at him. he hums with rising tone in reply. "promise me you're gonna watch before sunrise when you're homeâŚ"
heeseung snickers and nods, "okay! but how about the rest? there are two more that you said-"
"just start with that first cause i also haven't seen the other two." your reply breaks more of the ice, making heeseung's smile widen again. you both then heard the sound of his manager talking towards the two of you.
"take care of him, please, and wear your mask," the manager said to the man before you in english. when he glanced behind at the older man, heeseung gave him a thumbs up before he picked up the mask from his bag, putting the strap behind his ears, so that you can only see his eyes and the bridge of his pointy nose. even with his face half covered, his eyes seem to be as expressive as you see them looking many ways around the room.
"it's for privacy reasons because i don't want my fans to catch me," he said, voice muffled behind the mask. then, instinctively, he grabs onto the handle of your suitcase as he wants to lessen your weight.
"your fans will not find anything about me anyway if they catch you with me. and since it is for privacy reasons, i shall call you evan then when referring to you." you let out a smirk, taking his little tmi into account.
"ok!" then, heeseung turns to give a wave to his staff members. but before he can take a step away, one of the female ones approaches him as she tugs his headphones to placed it inside his bag before brushing the wrinkles of his plaid shirt as best as she could. you watch in amusement before the female staff member turns to you with a warm smile.
"i'm doing my job," the female says to make you understand as you gave her a nod, observing the way that heeseung looks much tidier and relaxed without those headphones around his neck.
"my head stylist," he referred to the woman, bowing his head as you heard numerous phrases in korean towards him, before he pulls on the suitcase as the door of the hotel lobby automatically opens to be met by the pavement of a london street.
"the privilege, huh?" you exclaimed as you met heeseung's eyes, who is now turning to you. you now stand with him on the pavement as you look at the way towards the nearest tube station, "shall we go, ethan hawke?"
"don't tease me again, please. i promise i'm going to watch it," heeseung answered, with you chuckling to his reply. your figure stood now in front of him as you guide him down the concrete path, eyes already looking around at the turn at the end of the streetâwhere you have to cross to go to the station that you arrived at last night.
you give a glance at the man behind you before turning away to the road, still can't believe the turn of events you didn't even expect, yet welcome. maybe, with him with you, it can help alleviate the heaviness that is plaguing your heart.
-
"thank you so much." you then tucked the receipt into your wallet as you stepped away from the counter, taking a glimpse of the worker behind it as they tucked your suitcase and backpack away into the storage room with other bags of people that wanted to explore without luggage hindering them. as you adjust your messenger bag's strap, you face the person that is a few steps away. heeseung's eyes move around as he gazes at the interior of paddington station behind his mask, faint creases on his forehead formed when you step closer to him; as if he's waiting for someone to find him, or nervous if someone can identify who he is.
"evanâŚ" you called, committed to using his english name to call him so that people don't recognise him. because when you both took the tube ride to this station specificallyâafter he bought an oyster card of his own so that "i have physical evidence on going to london as well"âthe posters of his concert are still fixed along the walls of the many hallways. walls that thousands, maybe even millions, of people walk by, and theyâif they are attentive enough and he is not wearing a maskâcan put the two things together. the man whose namesake you have called turns his head to face you. his mask makes him a bit blend in because you catch some people who also wear them as well.
you both walk towards one of the signs that leads the way to the many platforms. a large screen showcases the names of the trains, their end destination, and the status of their timesâa gasp coming out of him when he saw so many of them and even some that are delayed. you now stand beside him as the end of his sleeves flail from the movement. a small drop of sweat trailing down the side of his face from the transition of the season in this very september.
"why did we choose paddington?" he finally broke the silence between the two of you, eyes peering at the name of the station right there as he looked back at the way towards the underground station where he arrived from, handling your suitcase as you carried your other two bags.
"i think it's a good waypoint for us. paddington is connected to the elizabeth tube line, where you can just ride the right train that will lead you to heathrow airport. it's also running a line towards the station for my train later," you answered with the knowledge that you gained from walking around london for the past few days. ingrained in your mind is the name of the lines that you often use, such as circle, picadilly, and northern. but you always still have your trusty navigation app to know if you are going westward or eastward between the london zones.
"wait, so your train doesn't go from paddington?" heeseung caught onto your words as you face him and shake your head from left to right on repeat, "then where does it go from?"
you let out a wistful sigh, "king's cross."
his face reacted in recognition, "the king's cross from harry potter?" and you nodded your head whilst watching him chuckle, eyes creasing from the realisation.
"we should go there if we can. i think i've seen a picture of the 9 3/4 sign-"
"hold on," your open palm stops him as you lean closer to him, "we should actually decide which area we want to go. and let's try not to go from one side to the other because london is big. and are you sure you can walk far? i imagined last night's concert took a toll on you." your hand folded in front of you, a small pout forming on your lips,
"took a toll on me?" he questioned, and you then realised that maybe there are some english idioms that he hadn't heard regularly.
"i mean, you must have been tired from last night too." you tried to word it out directly as he nodded before his hand reacting.
"don't worry. i had a good warm bath last night. so my muscles are fine, thank you." he also shows one thumb up to assure you as you answer with a smile growing on your face.
"well, honestly, most of the to-do list that i haven't gotten to are around west london. that's just my personal reason for picking this station as our starting point." your mind remembers the to-do list inside your travel journal. whilst you are here, you tried your best to cross the important ones off your list. though when it comes to food and drinks, you mostly improvise. it is the way of travelling that your parents have taught you: have a clear itinerary of places or areas you want to go, but also give room for you to explore there as you like. it's one of the reasons why the times you went to brick lane and camden town have been the most memorable ones in this city.
with your eyebrows raised, you continue, "but i'm going to help guide you as well. can you list the places that you want to visit? and i'm gonna add the ones that i think you would like to visit as well."
"okay, um," heeseung stops as he lifts his hand that has his fingers folded. that is when you watch as his eyes move to the corner, observing him think. with every finger unfolded one by one, he mentioned one place. "abbey road, king's cross, the royal palace, that bridge, nando'sâŚ" an open palm is showing to you as you take in the places he mentioned. most are the ones that you have visitedâexcept for abbey roadâas he talks once again, "i think that's it. and i do want to also try to relax more, going to cafes and such. no big ben tower, i went through that street many times."
"that's because our hotel is near westminster, soâŚ" you added to his information as your eyes do the same thing as he did, going to the corner of your sight as you think about the route that you are taking. the best route to show him london, but not only focusing on the touristy places, but also to actually travel within the city. his notion to you of wanting to relax makes you think that you may have to get something to eat and enjoy the scenery as well. even if he did reassure you that he is fine with walking around so much, you can only imagine how he still has stamina from going on tour and only has a true rest in los angeles. and you take into account that you both want to slow down, even if you move from place to place.
returning your gaze, you find him fixating on you with one eyebrow raised, waiting for your thoughts as you take a breath to be able to speak, "based on what you list, i think walking around from central to west london will be enough because we're gonna end it at paddington. we might have to kill some of our darlings, though."
"k-kill⌠our darlings?" the man said in hesitation as you actually had to slap yourself in the forehead. 'be direct, (y/n).'
"it means that we can't go to every place that you want to go. especially king's cross and tower bridge-"
"no, i meant london bridge," he cuts you off as you pause to take in what he said and bob your head because, yes, you also confused that london bridge is the one with the towers.
"the bridge with the towers is called tower bridge, not london bridge," you give two small pats on his upper arm, "sorry to break the illusion."
"really?" you let out a chuckle as he actually had to fish out his phone as he searched for the fact that you said and it gives you more time to think about locations from central london to west london that could accommodate both his and your wants. picadilly circus and oxford street might've been too crowded for his liking, but you remembered that there is a nando's around covent garden, so you can choose to go there. that means that you have to reach at least trafalgar square.
"oh, wow," heeseung exclaimed, cutting through your thought as he shows you the screen of his phone to find the bridge people assume as london bridge with the subtitle of tower bridge.
"told you soâŚ" you slyly wink as you look back at the clock that is scattered across the station. 10.27. then you turn back to heeseung as you speak, "i hope you still have an empty space in your stomach because we're gonna get brunch at nando's."
"oh, cool. ok," he said, mask muffling his enthusiasm as you take a step towards the tube station from the train platforms. heeseung walks close by to you, keeping up with your pace as you both weave through the sea of people. families with suitcases, mothers and their children doing their chores, and you two: two humans not local to this very place as you keep up with the pace of people. you learned so much that, even if you don't know your end destination, you have to walk with determination. or else, you might be perceived as vulnerable, especially with the many warnings people have said about how dangerous london is with its theft cases.
walking down the stairs towards the underground stations before you have to go past the farebox, you turn towards the board that tracks the many lines of london's underground, overground, and their other public transport options. one finger raised as you trace a line from paddington towards the nearest station to covent garden, seeing the small legend for trafalgar square as you mumbled, "charring cross⌠bakerloo⌠southeastbound." beside you, you felt heeseung's figure brushing yours lightly as you read the map that you have seen from the last few days. when you trace along the multiple different colored lines, it reminds you of every commuter and metro train that you have seen yourself use. you remember using them in new york city while going through manhattan and in tokyo as you tried to find your airbnb near shinjuku station. trains have always been your favourite mode of public transportâfaster enough than busesâand you have ridden a fair share of trains as you travel, either from city to city, or country to country, like what the eurail does when you ride from paris to amsterdam before.
listening to the mumbling of your voice as you spoke what you think, heeseung follows behind you as you pull out your oyster card from your outer's pocket. he already has his hold in his hand tucked inside the pocket as he pulls it out and taps it against the farebox. walking behind you lets him see the accessories adorning your bag. the dangling colourful keychains and pins make the brown messenger bag more standout. some of it looks too do-it-yourself rather than buying it and he could identify some of the references on those pins: movie posters, movie quotes, and some sort of dice that looks like it has more sides than the six-sided ones he knows. he lets himself walk in pace with you as you both stride down the winding hallway towards your platform.
the platform is barren as he gazes at the advertisement across where he is standing on the other side of the track. tiled walls surrounding him as he now has the time to look around the platform, which looks older than he thinks and how rounded it is.
"is that why it is called the tube?" you heard him ask beside you, his eyes looking around above the mask that covers his nose and mouth. heeseung turns his head to find your sight, tilting his head, "it looks like we are inside a tube because look at how perfect the circle of the tunnel isâŚ"
you smiled at his observation, realising that you are technically standing inside a cylinder under the soil of london's surface. you turn to look at where your train is going to come fromâlocating the circle outline that he had mentioned before. he also added, "it is dangerous. if you hadn't held me back when we were on our way here before the train arrived, i would've flown towards the end of the platform."
chuckles come from both of you. you remembered around one hour ago when you were both on your way towards paddington station. heeseung still standing near the edge as you hear the echoing sound of the incoming train. your hand instinctively pull him back with a force as he is startled by it. but it came at the right time because not even five seconds later, the train zooms past both of you as you hear the screech of it braking on the track. his bangs flung from the wind as you giggled from looking at his enlarged eyes.
"yeah, glad i could help," you say between your chuckles as you turn back towards himâhe is already facing youâmaking you raise your eyebrows before he then continues the conversation.
"it's not like that back in seoul, where you have this gate that covers from the top to the bottom. london's metro seemed so dangerous," heeseung continues as he extended his arm, gesturing to how the barrier scales in height as you can picture it inside your mind's theatre.
"i've been to japan and most of their metro has a half-wall style of barrier. but that's just what makes the london one unique because i remembered it's one of the oldest metro trains in the world," you answered back, finding him reacting with a nod. you then nudge his shoulder, "there's a reason why, if you focus on the announcement before the train arrives, they will tell you to 'mind the gap between the train and platform'."
you heard him scoff as he took a step closer to your side, your clothing brushing against each other. "does it mean that there are"âheeseung's hands show up once again and moving in front of him to gestureâ"bigger gaps between the train and the platform?"
looking at how his hands illustrate the gap that is slowly widening, you can't help but bit back your laughter as you continue to explain, "there are some that is wider because the platform is straight but the track is curved. so, imagine that. i guess." and as you utter your last few words, you hear the echoing chugging of the train as you both stood near the wall behind you. the train hastily passes you as you brace to hold onto gravity from not being flung, even if it hits heeseung's figure. the announcement calls out as you turn to face him, letting him hear the words as the 'mind the gap' part shows up, and he looks back at you with an amused face that you can only see from his pair of eyes.
stepping into the train, you both found a seat side by side as you walked to it one by one. the tube atmosphere is usually quiet, maybe only with whispers as the train closes and lurches forward down the line. your eyes wander against the advertisement inside the train carriage itself before trailing down to the little panel of the line that this train takes, eyes following from paddington to your stop at charring cross. passing through the likes of oxford street, which is more of a shopping-based location. the train running on its track does feel soothing, familiar. and it makes you close your eyes even for a bit. yet, every time you close them, you can't help but think of the sad reflection you caught of yourself. a reflection that still feels so fresh because it has occurred multiple times since before you started the trip.
before you realise that you are clueless on what to do next in your life.
the open and closing of the doors, combined with brushes against your clothed knee from people finding an open seat, make you open the lids as you peer at where the train is going next. turning slightly, you detect heeseung's eyes wandering around the carriage, but specifically looking at the names of the station like he is trying to remember them even though this is the last day he'll be in the city.
as you approach charring cross, you tap a few times on his knee and give a nod as you both walk towards the doors. being on a monday late in the morning does have its perks because not a lot of people are currently on the trains while they are doing activities in their school, office, and such. you lean against the pole of the seat as you face the door. eyes looking through the glass window as the train goes past the glimpse of the platform, slowly stopping as you already see people queueing up to get in. stepping out, you once again go to walk at the front as heeseung follows you. your hand picks up your phone to open the navigation map as you type the restaurant's name, seeing it being closer to the station instead of the covent garden area.
the bustling sound of central london greets you as you walk towards the exit, your phone already tucked inside your bag as you analyse the street that you are supposed to go, remembering the location of covent garden with the pinpoint of the nando's is plastered in your mind. you felt a brush against your hand as you glanced to find heeseung beside you. slowly, you walk beside him as close as possible, crossing the street until you are far enough from the crowd and find a free space to walk to.
you heard heeseung sigh as you two take steps in tandem, "the train was pretty small. the space wasn't as big as the seoul metro."
"i can imagine. it's a struggle to stand in the space where people sit because of how narrow the train is. i think you might like the elizabeth line. the train size is pretty similar to the one that tokyo metro uses."
"and that's the train that's going to bring me to the airport?" his voice continues to ring while you guide him to turn at the corner.
"correct!" you point towards him, a small smile growing on your face as you both continue. a meters away, you find the nando's logo placed in front of a building facade that looks older, making it blend in with the exterior of other buildings surrounding it. as you step towards the door, a host greets you as you say, "for two, please. also, can we get a corner seat?"
the host looked into their monitor and nodded, "right this way."
ever since you set foot in the british islesâwhere you landed in ireland firstâyou didn't realise how both the irish and british use the word 'please' a lot. how they seemed to be more polite in talking to people. even when you are in cardiff, you hear a fair share of older women calling you 'love' when they are attending to their business from bakeries to cafes. but more in a nurturing type of call, like how a parent calls their male child, 'son'. it feels very awkward at first, but you're slowly thawing yourself for it. even though you felt like you didn't really deserve being called that way...
walking towards the corner of the dim-lit room, the host gave you both menus on the table and reminded you to call them when ready to order. heeseung slightly bowsâan instinctual habit with how he stopped from going too far.
"i think it'll be better if i sit facing the open space while you sit facing the wall. so people won't recognise you," you uttered the suggestion, remembering his concern as he reacted with an agreeable nod. heeseung then settles into his seat, bag placed beside yours on your cushioned booth seat, and he pulls off the straps of his mask. even with parts of his visage obscured, you sense your breath being taken away. his bleached bangs covered his forehead with only a small sliver of his skin showing. the bridge of his nose looks smooth as it trails to his pouty lips. heeseung leans his head back to sit straight, finally letting you see him fully in front of youâwhile he also sees you clearly for the first time.
"um," you clear your throat before gesturing to the menu, "feel free to take a look and let me know if you are ready." and heeseung answered by picking up the menu to look through it. whilst skimming through yours, your hand reaches to pick up your travel journal from your bag and open it to the bookmarked latest page of today's date. thinking back on the previous hours before right now, you found a good sentence to start today's entry with.
today, i am walking around london with a korean musician (real life before sunrise?)
the words glide easily out of you as you already start to create spaces after the two paragraphs you've written separately: spaces to put stickers or cut-off parts of brochures and receipts you find. your sight alternates between the two printed media in front of you before you glance back at heeseung to find him already staring back at you. his eyes are on your open journal as you look back to the menuâconfirming your order that you enjoyed from the last timeâbefore you raised your arm to ask for an order.
as you gaze at the host who is leaving after taking care of your meal order, you turn your eyes back to the man in front of you and say, "you ordered the spicy rice."
"i think i just missed eating rice," and with his answer, giggles are coming from your gaped lips as heeseung continues, "like really. i've eaten so much bread that i need a flavour reset for myself."
"well, good for you then," you nodded, hands now resting on the table. your journal is closed and sitting on the space at your side of the table. written in it is a lingering question that has been going on inside your mind of this person in front of you: a celebrity, in the simplest way to identify it.
"this is something that's gonna be nagging in my mind. and if i don't ask, it's just going to haunt me."
"hmm?" heeseung reacted. his hands are also resting on the table. the outer shirt looks more baggy as the cloth flings around with his movement, draping over his forearms as you return your vision to his face. his forehead already wrinkly, expecting your next words.
"how is it going with being a k-pop idol?" the question flew out of you so easily that he couldn't help but let out a chuckle and nod, like he already was expecting this very question to be asked. especially now with the opportunity showing itself.
"you're going straight to it, huh?" he bit a little part of his bottom lip.
"i mean, i have to. you're a literal world-class celebrity-"
"i am⌠notâŚ" even with the pause, the last word he uttered sounded stern. both of his hands joined with each other as he tugged a little bit of his sleeves to interlock his fingers togetherâa soothing gesture you recognised.
"well, i am curious. i can just ask the internet about your life journey, your songs, your career. maybe even more." head leaning forward to his, your voice now lowered in volume, "but since i have the real deal sitting across from me," your open palm gestures to him, "i could hear a more unbiased? biased? story about yourself." you uttered, even questioning yourself about the information that you're going to get from him.
but he appreciated you for still looking enthusiastic to know about him, even with that halt in his cadence. you're maybe one of the first people to actually be able to separate his life from his job because he has a life beyond his career.
well, heeseung couldn't encapsulate his life and career in his young adult life into a concise manner like what his fans did in a wiki forum or how a journalist summarises his ideology with just a 10-minute interview. so, if you are implying to tell him about the whole ups and downs of his career without any bias, he had to dig into the joyful and painful memories he has had.
being called a k-pop idol was not something heeseung expected to be labelled as. in his own memories, he sees his fingers playing across the piano keys when he was younger, the crowds he was nervous to perform at first to do the chopsticks waltz during an elementary school talent day event when he was around second grade. ever since that performance, he knew music was something that was going to be crucial to his life. he learned guitar afterwards and he was being called a musical prodigy at schoolâperforming on stage to the crowds of students he walked by in the hallways. by the time he was in the second year of high school, he was called to sign up for a small music label. and when it comes to a smaller labelâwhere he is among the first artists they signedâhe had to work twice as hard to prove himself worthy.
heeseung still remembers those early days when he was a senior in high school, from juggling both studying and going to events to gain his exposure, and it was such a stressful time. heeseung still remembers every street he had to busk in and every school he was invited to performâeven a performance in one of the prestigious high schools in korea a few years back, when he unexpectedly became a part of the same line-up as his current labelmate, tomorrow x together. at those days, he was somewhat of an up-and-coming indie star who had a song that went viral within the smaller music communities with the likes of parannoul and hanroro.
what he liked about his old agency was that they gave him musical freedom to explore any genre he wanted. his early songs mostly sounded like the songs he heard when he was youngerâjazz, ballad, rhythm and blues, a bit of alternative rock influence. but then his agency went into bankruptcy, and he had no place to call home.
that's until minhyun found him and took him under his wing.
heeseung knew of minhyun before. he remembered seeing the music shows on tv where he appeared with his group on stage. he even remembers his other schoolmates dancing to one of minhyun's group's songs in the same talent show he performed in the later years of elementary school. when minhyun told him about his story during one of the times they met to help train heeseung's voiceâwhy he decided to retire as an idol to help manage other musiciansâheeseung couldn't help but reflect on what his journey has been and the opportunities being given to him. but when minhyun suggests to him to come sign with bighit under his wing, heeseung faces a dilemma that he hadn't calculated until that very moment: to be a musician or an idol.
idol seems to be such a faraway concept for even heeseung, who has his liking in music. he does have his fair share of favourite songs from k-pop idols, and he has role models in some of them, especially singer-songwriters. when he was brought into the meeting room to discuss his future in bighit, he remembered one of the executives said that they can help him be like iu or if he wants to go for a hip-hop/r&b route, like crush or loco. all of them are artists that he admired and he has songs that can be made into those specific elements in his vault. but he knows that there's going to be more limitations than the ones he had when he was an artist in his old, independent label, the one that had more work and responsibilities to do. but, deep down, heeseung understands that he wants to spread his art, tell stories, and become a role model to others like those he had with the other artists in the industry.
so he signed the paper that changed his life. literally change his space and time. music show gigs, collaborations with artists he doesn't know he could do, doing concerts internationally, magazine shoots, a few scattered sponsorships here and there, a few fashion shows during fashion week, and here he is now. just in a nando's in central london waiting for his brunch to be served, with you hearing his story being told from his very lips.
"so⌠being an idol, to me, is a complex job to have. my responsibilities are more than just making people listen to my music. i have to be an influencer, a model, an actor, a community manager for my fans, all at the same time." he takes a pause to breath, not realising just how exasperated he had been while telling you the history of his career. "i've been through the idol system even though it's mostly for my dancing skills and the end result was satisfaction for me. but it comes with the stipulations, such as right now, where if i open my mask, i could be recognised immediately in some place." he lets his eyes meet yours, the sleeve of his shirt rolled a bit up now as he feels how his forearms are hard from the tense muscles coming from how his hands are formed in fists. that is when the host arrives once again to serve you your meal and drinks.
the steaming plates full of peri peri chicken sat between the two of you as you eyed yours with your complimentary mashed potato, while heeseung has his spicy rice. a bottle of the peri peri sauce sits there as you gaze at the medium level label you both choose to pick. heeseung picked up his utensils as he cut his chicken, brushing the piece against the sauce on his plate before placing it on his tongue. even though it tasted different from the usual korean fried chicken with gochujang, it tasted fresh.
"hmm!" he hums in satisfaction, picking up the rice grains with his fork and eating them. bobbing his head, he reacted to the spicier food that he had missed throughout the tour. eyes watching from you as you can't stop the smile urging to show.
"it's good, right?" you ask whilst also slicing down your own chicken.
he hums melodically, "i don't regret choosing this out of any other place to eat!"
you chuckled at his reaction as you both chow down on your meal. the taste buds of his explodes with the flavour. a bit more pepper-y and tangy than he expected, but he welcomed it. in every country that he had visited for the tour, their catering usually caters to the country's cuisine or even their version of korean food. some are good, but others are average to say the least. however, he doesn't have time to actually explore what the locals eat in those cities. and, even if nando's is a big chain scattered across the UK, he believes that it's a good representation to actually try to get so he can blend with the locals.
heeseung didn't realise just how much he enjoyed it when he saw that he finished his plate before you are done, drinking down the refreshing lemonade as he gazed back at the potato wedges he could see himself eating when he calmed himself down. the little clinks and clanks of your cutlery across from him continue as you sometimes lift your head up and catch his sight, your jaw chewing down on the food as you give him a small smile before resuming. and when he saw that you were nearly done with your food, you then asked him a profound question.
"so⌠do you see yourself as an idol now, knowing your history?"
his eyebrows moved unconsciously, raised up as he felt his forehead wrinkling. a loaded question that has been buried inside of himself after nearly four years of an idol career. something that he has also been contemplating every time he gazes at the mirror and sees his own reflection after taking a bath at the end of the day.
"i think," heeseung started to blink rapidly, "as much as that's what people told me, like the management or even the producers i work with, i," hesitance shows up as if the word that is resting on the tip of his tongue will change everything. even so, he has been thinking about it for the longest time. how his idol career brings him to many places that he once thought were impossible. the level of fame that could actually move people. yet, the constantly moving variables make him have to move at a rapid pace to catch himself up to everyone. going on an international tour after a successful release that involves global producers. people that his company helps to reach out to, or they reach out to his team first. moving in a way so that he couldn't lose relevancy.
that's the word: relevance.
when he was a budding independent musician, he didn't even think about relevance much. he focused more on legacy instead, of seeing his progression from a kid who likes music; who thinks that even if it is a viable option, it has a bigger risk. to then become a fully fledged musician. ever since he got into bighit, relevance becomes a keyword that is mostly implied in the presentation of discussing his future releases. "he has to keep up," "this is the current trending sound in the charts," "we have to capture the market quick." then, in comes the producers. heeseung has always been more of a self-producer, but he has met producers who see his vision. yet, he also has to make compromises when some of his own produced songs aren't picked and, instead, he is given a song produced by someone else.
"i- no, i don't think so." his answer started with a realisation before his confidence grew, "i think there is a distinction between idols and musicians. even if there are brand promotions like sponsorships that idols have, they are usually very⌠picky? is that the right word? for when it actually connects with my brand."
"you mean, the brands are carefully curated for you?"
a sound of a quick finger snap echoes between the two of you as he pointed to you, "yes! that's what i meant. it has to match up with my image, as the marketing people said."
"and what is this image you're talking about?" you wipe your lips with a napkin, something that makes him notice just how pretty they are.
"it, it's a self-producing idol image. that because i write songs and make them, it would make it more interestingâŚ" he voiced out the sentence that he remembered plastered in the presentation when he first enter bighit. about his re-debut to becoming a self-producing idol soloist, kind of similar to iu, with the sound of mostly r&b and pop. where the company allows him to be involved in the creation of his release, but also emphasises collaboration so that he can keep up with the industry. it's why in his recent album, he had multiple features scattered throughout the tracklistâcreating this mutual symbiosis where his feature can get his fans' attention and vice versa.
a few more minutes pass as you continue to eat and he now reaches for the potato wedge, feeling the growing agitation in talking about this whilst you are collecting your thoughts about what he explained. something heeseung had been avoiding, but now, with you, something that he actually has to face.
"so," your plate is now empty as you place your glass on the table, "you have an image of an self-producing idol. but you are one before, based on what you said to me. i know this felt probing, but- i just, when i think about what you said before." your tongue swiped against your lips, wetting them up, "the difference between an idol and a musician and you having been both of them in your career. yet you still say you aren't one. i can't help but think that the idol side is overshadowing the musician side."
heeseung doesn't stop himself from nodding to your words, helping to articulate the numerous connected threads, "because you have this⌠drive to create music. yet, because your company wants to make you relevant, it means that you are going to gigs to make you stay relevant when your main job is to create music and be an influence in it. i just can't help but see that there is a sacrifice that you have to make. i don't know what it is, though, because that is something that only you can answerâŚ"
your words ended with chuckles as you take another chug of your drink, letting the liquid hydrate you as he just watches it happening before him. yet, his mind is somewhere else.
the screams of the people who were watching him for the past few months. the reflection of their phone camera refracted from the hot lights shining on him and the stage. the way that he felt very hyped in every performance. the dopamine that becomes adrenaline for him to keep going, but also how after every concert, his body is nearing shut down until one of his staffs get to him first. the songs that he sang are a combination of his own produced songs and the ones the company picked for him, yet the latter dominate the set list. him singing other people's words that his fans think are his ownâwith the writing credits that include him even if he only changes one line of the lyrics. and now, what happens after everything?
how can heeseung top this tour? this album, which he had thought about as the most commercialised album he had done in his current career. the taste of success and fameâcoming from years of hard workâis delicious. however, heeseung realises that he can overdose on it. he had seen a few fellow idols living the way he is living. even those who have more scheduled activities per year, which makes them appear in nearly everything, and how they try their best to be as lively as possible. one sad day can be a detriment to one's career when you have eyes on you for almost all the time. and the realisation hits heeseung not with a bang, but with a crawling spark. small but unravels into something that answers multiple questions that he had been thinking about one by one.
"don't worry," heeseung's mind reverts back to focus on you, a solemn smile appears on your face, "i⌠have felt it tooâŚ"
a pregnant pause occurs between the two of you as you both process your reply. you let out a thin smile, eyes beholding him before moving away a few seconds later to raise your hand as you asked for the bill. heeseung sits across from you, replaying what you said as the abstract thought of this revelation slowly solidifies and finds a place in his mind.
that he had been unsatisfied with his career. how saturated it has become, where everyone focuses more on profit and relevance. how he had sacrificed his artistic freedom for fame, which can actually kill people directly or indirectly. that the future of his career is a blank page as he couldn't see even the slight sketches of his future beyond the encore concert back home to close out the tour and the album promotion. that, even with the weight of his songwriting notebook settling into the very bag he brought today, he knows that he isn't able to curate his own list of songs to include in the next release because of the influence of his management higher-ups. how he missed the charm of busking and being on a smaller, intimate stage that lets him see every person's reaction. how he wants to hear the mellower, experimental songs from his collection being played once again.
heeseung didn't realise that fame had consumed him until now.
as he steps out behind you outside of the nando's entrance, his hand reaches for the mask that he wore before, unconsciously put into his jean pocket when you both stepped away from the table. yet, when he knew he had to pull it out and cover his face, he just didn't want to. the boy gazes at the people walking in front of him; more people are alone, but there are also groups, such as couples and families. and yet, they don't notice him. even with his complexion as a korean man, he can still blend in with the multiculturalism that london introduces to him. and even if people see him indifferently, they just don't care and think that he is a traveller.
the presence radiates beside him as he turned to find you already looking at him. your pointer fingers circling around your own mouth, jaw, and noseâasking about his mask. and heeseung shakes his head instantly, "no need," he mouthed. if people only see him as a traveller, then let him be a traveller and enjoy the air without it being covered by the mask. because he is a person first, before he is a celebrity.
-
the walk to the next destination only takes five minutes. the street that he follows slowly widens, specks of people becoming a crowd as he sees some parked vehicles in front of brick buildings. his height doesn't really make him look that out of placeâmaking him blend more into the locals who stride with a destination in mind. you are walking in front of him, guiding him through the sea of people as you both then walk across one of the crowded pedestrian areas. his view opens to a large area where a monument stands. statues hanging around down there as he views a grand staircase and a fountain after it. on his right side: a regal-looking building where many people are coming in and out of, some are holding the yellow paper bag with "national gallery" written on it.
"trafalgar squareâŚ" you mumbled, slowing your movement to walk right beside him. heeseung gazes at the people scattered about on the plaza. the road full of cars, black-colored taxis, some lime-colored bicycles, and red double-decker buses. then, he felt a small hold on his finger as you gently pulled him away from the half wall near the stairs.
"behind you is the national gallery," you gestured to the regal-looking building that he saw, "with many paintings there, even including a monet. but what i want to show you is here." you gesture your hand back to the monument as heeseung's eyes enlarged. behind it is a long straight road, and at the end of it, he saw the famous clock tower that he had gone past in the van.
"big benâŚ" he spoke without thought.
"big ben is actually the name of the bell. a mistake that i also believed until someone told me so." your voice flows as you both face the visual composition of the buildings and skyline. he felt something warm hitting the side of his head. however, as he turned to face you, your gaze turned to look at the view. a slight breeze blowing onto your face as a few strands of your hair flutter. following you to stare back at the visual, it's when he realised that he is actually in london. many times in the cities that he had visited, he couldn't see their signature landmark while taking in the location. his stop in los angeles only lets him go to the restaurants to eat with his crew, no other exploring in the sense that he wanted to also visit hollywood. and so, he grabbed his phone to take a picture of the very scene, imprinting it into his memory as he couldn't help but take a deep breath.
like the last moment when you gaze at him taking in the viewâbefore he catches onto you as you move your head perfectlyâyou return to look at him, watching his hand holding the phone slowly go down, observing how the breeze of wind also gently caresses his skin and hair strands. how the certain tension on his forehead dissipates as heeseung closed his eyes and took a breather. your head tilts a little bit back, gazing at the clouds covering most of the sky, taking in the charm that is the gloominess of london as everyone seemed to be happy when they feel the sun beaming down on them. even with its saturated, vibrant colour, it creates depth that tells stories of what it is before you stand. of how it blends with the old style of regality.
glancing back to see his eyes now wide open, you finally say, "so we're going to buckingham palace after this, and we have two ways there, evan." once again, you raise your hand to point towards the roads connected from this large crossing. "that way leads us straight to the mall, as the locals call it. it's the road where royal parades usually go through. orâŚ" you point to the pavement by the national gallery, "we can go there and do a small detour through the west end before we go down the mall to the palace. your choice."
yet, even when he is viewing you explaining the ways towards your next destination, he notices a little quirk on the corner of your lips when you mention "west end."
"let's go to the west end then. so that we have more things to look at," with his answer, the quirk you adorned widened into a smile as you nodded; already moving as a signal for him to move along. both of your steps try to keep pace with each other as you weave around some people. heeseung's sight is on you, whose eyes are looking towards the building by the square, a slight frown forming on your visage.
"i'm sorry that we couldn't explore the gallery. time is literally our enemy right now," you remarked as he shook his head.
"that's alright. we might waste our time there instead," your head nods to his answer as you both walk down. some of the people there walk in groups, others who are alone weave through the crowd as you both try to walk near the edge so people can walk past you.
"what is the west end?" his question slips out instantly.
"it's this whole area, including covent garden that we were at, then it goes until picadilly circus, oxford street, and more." you push your right hand to the right to show the area you are mentioning. "it's the place in central london where people usually shop, especially tourists. picadilly circus has this large billboard snaking around buildings there. kind of like what shibuya crossing has in tokyo, but shorter and wider."
heeseung's eyes were already on you as you turned your head to him.n one of your hands is holding onto your bag strap as you step to lean closer to him, a smile on your face, "though, i usually associate west end as the place of plays and musicals."
his footsteps follow you as you stop at the pedestrian crossing of a three-way junction, scooting a bit to the side so you are standing by the crossing area. your hand comes to pull him closer to you, gazing at the building down the street as he shifts, squinting to see clearly what you're trying to show.
"see there?" you asked him as he followed your gaze. a crowd of people standing in front of a building that has dark signs and banners with some whites and reds. a familiar illustration that he had seen before, as he had gone past the theatres in seoul that had the same imagery.
"that's where they're showing phantom of the opera. such a cool showâŚ" you seemingly mumbling to yourself as you turn to see the crossing's light turn green. quickly, you reacted and pulled heeseung with you, jogging down the street as you arrived on the other side. the boy can't help but feel the warm touch from the part you hold on to him. standing beside him once again, you both continue to walk down the pavement to your destination.
"did you watch it? phantom of the opera?" the question shows up easily for him as he can't help but think back at the way your eyes sparkle from seeing the banner outside the building.
"guilty and more, actually." a chuckle naturally came out of you, "i think i spend many of my nights here watching plays and musicals. a musical to end the day, something like that. i watched five of them here."
"and how long are you here for?"
you giggled at his follow-up. "eight days, including when i arrived here in the afternoon."
the grey pavement stops as you gesture to heeseung to cross another road, before he then finds another set of stairs going down. both of your figure focusing to walk down the stairs as he gazes at the statue of peopleâmaybe knights, maybe kingsâbefore him. he looks up at the monuments as he takes in the view of the subject being suspended in action, before continuing down towards the path again where people are walking. to the road that you might refer to as the mall.
"and out of those five shows, which one is your favourite?"
"well⌠um," he watches how you bit your bottom lip, "i have two favourites, actually. they're phantom of the opera and hadestown." you then took a long breath before continuing to speak, "i just⌠can't help but notice how good the stage looks. hadestown has this evolving type of staging where the view of it widens around the end of act 1. it plays along with the lighting so well too, especially when orpheus was walking back in the dark, not knowing if eurydice is still there."
heeseung watches you continue to ramble, a slight smirk formed on his face, "and phantom of the opera. gosh, it is so good. the theatre didn't change much of the facade, but it does make you feel like you are in a literal opera house. the story tells of an opera within a musical, so they have many in-depth backgrounds because you are watching someone on stage acting like they are directing someone on stage. and, i swear, the chandelier! the freaking chandelier-"
you take another breather as he can't help the small giggles coming out of him, "so phantom has this chandelier that is a stage prop and actually hangs on to the ceiling because we are introduced to it as it slowly hangs at the beginning of the musical. the phantom, of course, haunts the theatre. so some strange happenings are going on as we also follow the main character named christine literally 'pay with her soul' to be good at singing operas. so let me tell you- imagine this."
your hands start to gesture all over in front of you, trying to illustrate your memory as best as you could. "i'm sitting at the front area called the stalls, where i can see the stage and all clearly. then, during the first act, the opera house is falling apart because the phantom overhears christine with another guy, raoul, and he gets angry. so, the chandelier drops! it actually fucking drops! i've heard that people say that it drops. but it genuinely drops so close to people that i can feel the wind of the swing above my head as it swings to the stage, it's justâŚ" stutters coming out of you as you don't even care how ridiculous you look in front of him, "it's such a good design and shock factor, and it is connected to the story. it is so cool!"
"it seems to me that you enjoy musicals with a cool production design. i have come across some of it before when i recorded music videos," heeseung speaks, taking in your reaction but also adding his own take on it. he remembers the reminders and direction of his music video directors and of the set that he shot at, and you seem to enjoy talking about it more rather than the music in the musical itself.
yet, your answer says something that feels unsure.
"i do- yeah," the smile on your face slowly dropping down as he noticed it at the right time, "i do enjoy itâŚ"
in an instant, awkwardness permeates around both of you as you continue walking down the path, crossing one road before the greenery takes over one side of your sight. heeseung's eyes face forwardâgetting rid of the tension seemingly bubblingâas he can see what looks to be another monument in front of a building, seemingly isolated beside two parks with high walls and fences around it. the building is still pretty far from where you are as the two of you are walking down the path there. heightened serenity exists between the two of you; nevertheless, heeseung can't help but think that he spoke wrong about the production design subject, as he felt his heart drop when your smile fades away.
a few minutes later, after a few more steps down the beautifully laid pavement, he breaks the ice once again, "why are you visiting london?"
a scoff came out as your lips broaden, wiping your hands to the side of your figure as a soothing gesture. nibbling on your lips of how ridiculous the answer is, you shake your head as you try your best to not only tell him, but hopefully make it so funny that it subdued the memory that had given you a throbbing pain before you actually take that flight away from home. "let's just say that i was conceived hereâŚ"
"what?!" his reaction comes out as he nearly stumbles before regaining his footing towards you. you affirmed your head, a slight part of your lower lip bitten to hold back your smile that eventually fails.
"my parents went to london for their honeymoon. i'm following their footsteps, but also added something more," your body is coming closer to his as you walk side by side. your digits brush a little bit of his outer shirt. "i'm travelling along the british isles. went to ireland and wales, and now i'm in london."
"where are you going next?" heeseung spoke. a hum came out of you.
"edinburgh. i'm travelling to scotland first before going down to the rest of england. then, i'll go back to london and that's when i'll be going home," you answer. the itinerary that you made, recheck, and memorised in your mind showing up as you can see the names of the cities and towns you're going to stop by. the ones that you've visited are already crossed out in the journal, the words in your mind flicker as you go down the memorised list.
heeseung stares at you, taking in your visage, "how long are you going to travel?"
"well," your head, all lifted with a chin up, now tilts down as you said, "until december. i've been starting since mid-august, landing in dublin first, then going around the island before going to this island from belfast. so yeah, five months, give or take."
his eyebrows are raised as he acknowledges with nods. five months is nearly as long as his own tour. he has been on a worldwide tour since last year. multiple countries, multiple continents, all to perform the songs he had released. he did went home a couple of times, having a rest for christmas and seollal with a one-week window time before and after to record new music or do meetings. he actually didn't realise that by the time he finishes his encore concert back in seoul, it is already near chuseokâapproaching one year of an international tour.
time seemed to fly so fast for him. but he didn't realise the scope of what he was doing until he had your schedule to compare to. now realising that the tension that is evident in his body is a result of the stress of going around in one year, having to perform nearly every three nights. and now, heeseung can't help but feel a seething sensation to know that you are travelling within the UK and irelandâin one areaâfor almost half of his touring time. where in those months, he didn't even have the time to explore the cities he visited.
and now, with your footsteps moving in tandem, you both stroll to view the building and statue getting bigger. you stand on the wide pavement beside a small park as you let heeseung gaze upon the palace before him. he views the statue that encompasses many more statues. specks of people are across the street to where there is a barricaded area from the statue to the gate of the buckingham palace. from this, you can see some people are lifting their hands, holding their devices to capture this very moment. heeseung did it too as he tugs his phone out to take a pictureâanother piece of evidence of him actually being in london.
steps taken slowly, you now stand beside him near the black fence that protects pedestrians from zooming cars, vans, and bikes. the clicking sound of him taking a picture with his phone camera becomes a constant until it fades. your eyes gaze back at the palace view that you saw beforeâthough you came from the other side as you arrived from the st. james park's tube station. even if it is blurry, you can see the signature red garment worn by the guards that protect the palace and the royals, along with staffs walking around inside the grounds.
"i think i remembered hearing that south korea was once also a monarchyâŚ"
heeseung's attention reverts back to you as he lowers his phone, taking in the view of the place before him with no obstructions, "we do. all of korea. even in seoul, there are castles, parts of defensive walls that blend in with roads and parks. there's joseon, there's silla, there are many more."
"all of koreaâŚ" you mumbled, lips moving as you think, "i would love to visit it. and since you've said 'all of korea', i remembered that all korean men have to serve the militaryâŚ" he raised his eyebrows because of your knowledge. "have you done it?"
heeseung shakes his head, a 'no'. "okay, is it becauseâŚ" you reply, return your gaze back at the guards draped in red for a few seconds before going back to him, "are you afraid?"
in his ripe age of 25, he had a fair share of people all around him that has done their mandatory service. his manager, minhyun, worked as a social service agentâtelling the younger of his experience doing military training, but also training with others. he heard stories from his brother and father too, whenever they had a family gathering. questions coming out of him such as: if he wanted to enlist, which one should he go to, which camp should he enlist in, and more.
heeseung remembers reading about the grade system and how the evaluation tells him if or where he should enlist. he doesn't really call himself athletic. sure, he likes basketball and all, and he had also done stamina training to last a long time on stage. but the thought of being on active duty, working with other soldiers, creating camaraderie to defend the country he calls home, scared him years ago. it's why he had been delaying to serve even though his brother served early before he turned 28.
the tales coming from the people in his life who experience it are not all black and white. minhyun mentioned how he became more appreciative of the people around him after helping them as his job. some people look much more muscular, more dignified, and a side of heeseung wanted to have that. he has always been jokingly called a lanky, even when he was in school. and that's why he puts his career first before the military, in a way for him to prepare himself career-wise, but also financially. something that he had to learn ever since he became an adult.
"i used to. but, i think i'll be okay," a small smile formed on his visage, eyes glancing to meet yours.
"i genuinely have to say this before i forget, evan. your english is so goodâŚ" you can't help but compliment.
"thank you. i, i think i did well. i mean i went to a language high school and also went to canada for a short course in middle school," he couldn't stop himself from chuckling.
"really? did you also go by evan there?"
"i have too. people there can mispronounce and misspell my korean name. i believe a lot of east asians do that so people can say their name easier," he blinks, remembering himself with rectangular-shaped glasses going to school in toronto for that one summer.
"shame on them, actually. why should you lot have to conform to them, even making up a new name that is more familiar with their languageâŚ" a huge sigh came out of you.
a scoff of surprise came out from the boy while he blinked rapidly; because he thought about it before. "besides," he gazed back at you, a sheepish smile on your face when you cut off his thoughts, "i think heeseung's a good name. evan suits you, and heeseung suits you more."
and with that, heeseung senses how his heart is pitter-pattering against his ribcage.
-
heeseung gazes at the greenery before him, some already losing their colour to brown as autumn is slowly coming. a cup of iced caffe latte in his hand as he peers at the back of your head, one step a bit forward from him. the little crunches against the dirt path enters his ear as he lets himself take in the park that he entered.
walking from the palace, he had asked you about what you had been doing in the city; little excerpts of episodes of your journey for more than a week here. you also add that even if you have never been to korea, you know things about it coming from your online friend that you met for the first time here. "she's a korean who went to oxford studying classics and oriental studies, from what i remembered. she actually is doing an internship at the victoria and albert museum. she was the one that i watched a shakespeare play with. because of her, i know a bit about ancient korea."
"that's awesome."
"yeah, she has a boyfriend who is graduating this year in new york city. so she was excited to visit him because she told me that the last time they met face-to-face was in paris," you said as you both carefully crossed the street. the structure of an arch stood before you as you walked past it towards hyde park.
his gaze moves to your own cold drink in your hand as he strides a bit longer to keep up with you. the wind blows against both of your outerwear as the sun shines above both of you behind the glimmers of clouds in the blue sky. bicycles went past both of you as he calculated how wide the path is. some areas are decorated with shrubs and trees. but behind it, a large grass patch with intersections of walking paths. right now, you two aren't going there as he follows you. tugging himself back into a comfortable position, he felt his sweat forming and being dried by his flannel shirt. heeseung can't help but look back at your keychains and pins and also at your enthusiasm about the plays and musicals you watched. he theorises that you were also an enjoyer of artsâadding another talking point that he can ask you about.
pigeons are flocking around and about the large pathway and also the path on his right. benches are placed meters away from each other as he sees you moving diagonally to the path connecting to where the benches are. approaching it, he can finally see the large body of water in the middle of this park. people are riding around in little paddle boats, floating along with swans, geese, and ducks. one bench sits a mother and her toddler sitting on her lap, eating his little porridge food that his mother is feeding him. on the other bench, a swarm of birds sit around a guy who is eating a sandwich, his eyes carefully looking at the avians as one of them hops close to him. the ringing of a bicycle bell turns heeseung's head to them as he watched two cyclist going in tandem. he felt the condensation of the cold drink in his hand as you finally walked to the side and settled down on the bench that sits across the body of water.
placing your bag and drink down, he sees you pulling off your outer layer as you let your skin breathe. a sigh comes naturally out of you as heeseung does the sameâputting his bag alongside his drink down and pulling his flannel off. his sleeveless shirt lets the sun shine against the colour of his skin as he ties his outer around his waist whilst looking at you, who is putting yours in your bag.
"no matter how thin it is, i thought it would be colder since it's september. but i guess not," your comments earn giggles from him as he nodded. the ray falls on you as he watches how you close your eyes and take a breath. the clouds are separating as the sun pierces down onto the ground, making the temperature balanced after the cloudy sky that he had walked under since the start of his day. tugging his bag to the side of the bench, he sits directly beside you. your hands are resting on your lap, placed with your fingertips above each other. a slight breeze blows against the strands of hair in front of your face as he stares. his lips unconsciously move; nerves coursing through his body, making him react.
and as you open your eyes, focus coming back to you from the ducks who are swimming on the pond across from you, you turn your head and meet your sight with heeseung's. a smile growing on your face as it stops before going too wide, and he mimics yours with his own flavour. you scoff at his expression and suppress more of your smile as you lean back against the bench.
"the beatles weren't wrong when they made a song about the sun coming," heeseung chuckles at your statement as he also does the sameâslouching against the backrest of his seat. the edge of your figures brushes against each other's as he sees a sliver of the rustling leaves above him from the breeze. the ambient sound becomes music in his ears as he can't help but form chords in his head coming from his perfect pitchâsomething that is pretty hard to ignore considering that making and performing music is his job.
shifting his head to your side, he then mumbles, "you met your friend who went to the university of oxford hereâŚ"
"yeah..?" you turn yours to find his.
"do you also went to university?"
the constant tap against your thigh stops as he watches how your eyes tilt downward. he can sense how your aura changes in real time. shaking your head, you bite your bottom lip for a few seconds too long before you finally say, "i did. but⌠yeahâŚ"
"but?"
you sighed, "i actually graduated earlier this year. about a year late from a regular graduating schedule because i feel dissatisfied with the major i'm in and when i wanted to change, it was too lateâŚ" your lips are still apart, like you wanted to say something more. but no words came out.
"what did you study?" heeseung says, wanting to help guide you.
"marketing. when it was around the end of my second year, i realised that the major is wholly different from what i thought it would be. besidesâŚ" your eyes flick back to him, "a marketing student without a social media presence feels illegal." a chuckle came out of you, "what about you?"
"oh, well," he blows out his breath as he thinks back about the online classes he had to take. even the ones that he does hours away from the korean timezone, "i'm doing a bachelor's course through an online university, studying broadcast and entertainment."
"i thought you'd be doing music," a small smile adorned your face. he can feel himself nodding because that's the right course of study when he is a legit musician.
"that's the only relatable course to my work because i also study entertainment management." he rubbed his hands against each other. "though, i do want to get a master's. i can probably take a master's for that or music business. i, i really want to study in an offline university, but my job says otherwise." at the mention of you doing universityâeven if it's one year lateâhe could imagine walking around campus, meeting like-minded people and all. yet, you give him back a solemn smile.
"i can say that it's not for everyone." you then do another breathing cycle. "being a marketing major means that you are surrounded by ambitious people. people that wants to be bosses in their field, finance bros and sis who think that they are better than anyone else. it feels like a turn-off to compete with them academically. and that's why i just⌠finish and get a degree."
you pull yourself up from slouching, hands now crossed in front of your torso with the palms soothing the skin that they met, "but i'm glad that i found some motivation when i joined clubs. though it did make me realise just how wrong of a major i picked that i am already doing a pivot even before my professional career starts."
"what do you like then?" heeseung's voice glides to your hearing. your eyebrows scrunched in reaction, looking at your crossed arms, then to him.
"crafts." head turned slightly towards him, "it seems that i'm a complete of you because i dislike being in the spotlight. that's why i work backstage or behind the scene, but specifically the production design and props." clearing your throat, you then pull your bag to your lap as you gently hold onto the keychains while showing off your bag's accesories. "i made all of these by myself. started it when i decided to take uni slowly instead of following other people's pace⌠marketing doesn't really go in depth into the production of it as it focuses more on how to sell the product."
you lifted one of the keychains that he had seen: the die with so many sides. the strap of it is made to look like a vine or ivy. "this is a 20-sided die keychain i made. me and a few friends from the film and theatre clubs i joined play dungeons and dragons. so i made this for them all. i also helped the game master in prepping things. custom dice, custom miniature, custom terrainâŚ"
as he listened to your current topic that lifted a smile on your face, heeseung thought back to your conversation about the musical you'd watched at the west end. how you seemed to make comments more about the staging, the appearance and direction of the show rather than the song or the actors performing. unlike what most people seem to gravitate towards. something that not most people would talk about as they are focused more on the spectacle of it all; the gravitas of the play and the drama that the characters went through overall. yet, you commented about how the chandelier in phantom of the opera like a character itself and how you can feel it falling on top of you.
"are you taking your trip only for⌠that?"
the keychain drops as you return your bag beside you and shake your head. "travelling does help in thinking on what to make next. but i travel because i want to self-reset, thinking about home from somewhere far can change anything. trying to find new experiences because i feel like i'm lacking. it's-" your hand forms a grip on top of your thigh. "something that i got, got make fun of. yet, when i try to blend in, there is still a barrier." your hands move to gesture, open palm facing each other yet not touching. "this barrier i cannot break. so i try to do it indenpendently, getting rid of my presence online and only have a select number of people i contact with from my parents, my close friends from the club, and to the korean girl i met online who now is my friend."
the hands now touch, then move to rub each other, which is more like a gesture of warming yourself instead of soothing yourself. heeseung glanced at your eyes, seeing a shine in them that didn't form more into tears. it combines with how you seem to find a perfect rhythm to calm yourself down. then, you look back at him, speaking with such steadiness that he can only see a little bit of your trembling lips after you exhale. a glint showing in your eyes, "that's why i'm not afraid to be seen with you. it's hard for people to find me anyway."
a smile etched on your face as he gazes. yet, he heard the muffled cries in his memory with his jazz songs playing in the background: of you in your hotel room. his eyebrows became furrowed from hearing it alongside the smallest thuds that he could catch from the barrier separating both of your rooms. with the little information you can tell him, heeseung might be able to piece together the big picture of what happened that night. yet, he still didn't find the flint that created the fire for you to wail in the night against the locked connecting door between the two of you.
trailing his eyes back down, he caught a glimpse of the ends of your wired earbuds peeking out from your pocket. he then reached for his bag to find his wireless headphones, remembering the first few sentences you said to him at the hotel lobby as he revealed who he is.
blinking away the emotion that almost spilt out of you, you felt something move against your arm. looking down, a hand pushed out with a dangling headphone adorned with stickers, nudging it toward yours. moving to the owner of the hand, heeseung has his eyebrows raised before leaning his head.
"you said you haven't heard my songs. i'll introduce them to you in their best quality."
you reply with your own raised eyebrow, peering at the equipment before you gently pick it up and put it on, adjusting the ear cups so that the cushion settles comfortably. heeseung let out a smirk, observing you wearing his headphones that are already connected to his phone. he opens the final intended folder without the compression that is expected from hearing it from a streaming service and presses the first file.
piano chords found their way to your eardrums as the sound expanded and you heard the man beside you sing. his voice was bright, airy, with a twitch of intonation that made it like it was trying to springboard up from the ground. the song continues as you can hear the raspiness in heeseung's singing voice, much different from the low-toned voice he uses in speaking. your head moved back at the high note he sings, guitar strings playing in arpeggio at the bottom. a smile threatening to show as you see him watching you with such an expectant smile.
one of his songs sounded like it came from the 2000s r&b scene and it made you surprised at how he is seemingly semi-rapping. your smile spills as you try to hold back by biting your bottom lip. heeseung already has his smile widen whilst watching you let go and bop your head to the rhythm. his voice sounded sexier here as you can imagine him smirking whilst singing into the microphone, even though you don't understand his mother tongue and only hear a glimpse of the english words there. another song then plays with another piano melody, now much brighter, before his voice is backânow a little more coyâas you don't stop yourself from moving your head in rhythm with the song. heeseung looked down at his phone to see which track you are listening to. seeing the minutes and seconds and the little leaking sound from the headphones, his body moved in tandem as his muscle memory moved to the choreography of the song, hands and upper body moving as your eyes widen because of his gestures. giggles filter out both of you as you then continue listening to the next track and the next.
as the last track finishes, you turn to him, peering your eyes all over him to read his body language. a breath hitch, you take in his songs and nod, now knowing what he meant when you heard him tell you of his career and the music he created now.
"and that's from your last album?" you confirmed, a pointer finger pointing at the headphones.
"yes, they are. any comments?" his arms open, "i'm okay with any, even negative ones."
"if you're sure⌠umm", you unconsciously lick your lip. the wind grazes now from behind you as it blows a few strands of your hair. his hand is itching to brush it away as he then heard you hum before you speak, "i like the mixing. it sounds nice with your voice because," you pointed towards him, "i didn't know that you have such a versatile range."
"thank you," heeseung bowed his head, already anticipating more comments as both of your eyes met once again.
"i do think that the tracks feel short. maybe some of them feel incomplete. i don't know if you're the one who is meddling with it, but because you said that your agency gives you a producer, it may come from them?" your head slanted, the headphone touching your shoulder as he takes in your comment. heeseung couldn't stop himself to think back at the comments and reviews of his latest release that other people have written, remembering much of the same keywords. 'feels too short,' 'incomplete structure,' 'it can be more.' but your comment after it did struck him. that even if he is the producer that has the highest stake on this project, he couldn't release anything without the approval of the higher up of his label.
your eyes blinked for a bit more as you watched him take in the comment, seeing his eyebrows subconsciously, showing you his reaction as you find the right timing to call for him. "evan?"
"heeseung," he corrected, eyes moving back to meet yours.
swallowing down your saliva, you asked, "can i listen to your old songs? the ones you made from your old label?"
the man's sight went back to his phone, seeing the reflection of himself in the black mirror. he expected it when he remembered what he told you. and so, his thumb gently presses the display to light the phone's screen up, and he scrolls to find the list of songs he made back thenâthe ones that are forgotten because his label couldn't promote them alongside the one he has now, even if all of the copyright and royalty of those tracks are owned by heeseung. his sight returns to you, focusing on your face as he presses the play button without looking at it. and in an instant: your face twitches with the reaction.
lips slightly pouting as he read your expression that is full of surprise, knowing that the song he chose is drastically different from the one played before. much slower, ballad-y; ethereal. seconds pass as your head moves in synchrony, making him look down as he sees the title of the song he wrote that focuses more on guitar chords in reverb. your gaze looks back at him, and he watches them gazing down his sitting body as your head moves into a slow, yet rhythmic bopping.
it continues with a few more tracks as he reads your reaction. other than the producers, engineers, staff, and fans all around him, heeseung had never seen an unbiased person reacting to his song. someone that doesn't have a stake in his revenue and a blank check with a recognition bias towards him. he nodded his head alongside you when you pointed to the cup again multiple times while mouthing, "you have a female vocalist too?"
"one of my old labelmates before it went bankrupt. she is now in a band," he mouthed back as you continue hearing. heeseung only catches the way your lips and mouth react as the tracks play one by one. you were biting your tongue as your head danced with the rhythm, mind somewhere else as he heard the leaking sound of a distorted guitar partâmaking him let out a small smile.
when it is done, as he looked at the phone to see the rundown run out, you actually let out a long exhale and slant yourself against the backrest. hands gently pulling the headphones of your head, you turn towards him with an agape mouth, his headphones resting on your lap as you shake your head. "i⌠i hear the influence of those tracks in the latest ones you made. i just think that it is more diverse in these ones, though."
"really?"
"yes, really. you-" you then bite your bottom lip, stopping yourself from grinning. yet the corner of your lips has already risen. "i didn't expect those sounds playing from the music you create now. from the soul to alternative rock, it is so different to the easy-listening r&b tracks in your new release."
softly, you lifted the handphone and handed it to him. and as your fingers brushed his, a gasp came out from both of you as he stare at his belonging and then at youâto find that you had this tinge in your eyes that contrasted with what you told him.
"you can tell me," he encouraged, staring back at you with a much looser dynamic. yet, from the way the tip of your tongue brushes against your lip, an animosity is evident in what you're about to say.
"it seemsâŚ" your eyes move to one corner of your vision, flickering as you think of the right word until you find it. "that these older tracks are livelier? like it has more soul in it. more of you in a way. i mean⌠i don't know you that much, but⌠it's much more you. it encompasses you more."
heeseung's nose flares as he feels the belief that he thought about previouslyâabout his career, his creationâcoursing through his veins. yet, he finds himself still defending against comments that he knew were truer words. "it's probably because i'm the main everything in those tracks, while the ones now are collaborations with more people than my regular team members."
you hummed to his reply as he tried not to let it show to you just how affected your words are fueling his doubt. doubt about what to do next after the encore concert. doubt if his current company will give him more freedom like the one he had compared with beforeâto let him experiment back into the roots, extrapolate the branch to see the evolution of not only his music style, but also himself as a musician and as an audiophile. listening to jazz again makes him discover and explore other artists and genres beyond the r&b label he is assigned with, especially international artists such as aphex twin or sigur rĂłs. and deep down in his heart, he wants to be able to experiment like them.
"what do you wanna make next if you have full control instead?"
"jazz," he instantly uttered, "full on jazz. a combination of big band and slow jazz. yet, it also has to have its traditional pop element, which i don't mind." heeseung shakes his head at the thought, "but it's not a thing i can do at my current situation."
"how many years do you have in your contract?" you spoke, body fully facing him as your arm rested on the backrest of the bench.
"one year left. i signed a five-year contract, and i'm now in my fourth year. and i-" the doubt flows heavily to the front of his mind, lace against his tongue as he gnaw on his cheek of what to say after. "i think i've reached my peak."
your facial expression expands at his last words. eyes wandering once again to read him. and you blink slowly and shake your head, "no." you started small. then he felt how your hand on the bench's backrest approaches his own on his lap, brushing but not fully holding as he watches how the hand hesitate, pausing for a few seconds longer before retracting. but before fully retracting, his hand flew and grabbed your hand with his. not the small grip you did to pull him along so he didn't get lost: a full, deep grip with your palms facing each other, fingers automatically move to interlock with each other as you just then realised what is happening.
"why are you saying that?" heeseung's voice starts slow.
"because you still have potential to do more. hearing you say that makes it seem that you want to give up on your music career. but i do think that even if this one chapter ended, you still have more to offer. more to live. and if experimenting is the way for you to thrive. then do it, no matter how scary it gets." your tongue wets a small part of your lip as you raise your drink and consume it. the figure before you taking in your words as he waited, both of your fingers still tangling with each other. a strand of your hair flew against your face as you brought your drink down, eyes not meeting his as he felt your fingers twitch.
"i'm experiencing it myself. to try things before it's too late. even if my marketing degree is something that i sometimes regret, i know that i still have time to do something else. even if it gives you new challenges that you must try to overcome yourself. maybe with the help of your support system." your connected hand gently moves as you talk, letting the boy feel how your gestures also speak to him. his eyes follow your lips that are changing their shape with every word, speaking with experience that you've done. but when he reverts his gaze back to your eyes, he could see a crack forming in it with the way you're thinking about it. the crack of the eye of the person who is crying that night in the hotel room. that when you said you speak with experience, you actually are, and he can sense that that experience also hurts you like his own hurts him.
that's when heeseung unconsciously gives a tight squeeze in that grip. a squeeze of assurance that he understands what you're saying, even if it is vague.
-
the sky seemingly turns brighter as the sun shines at both of you as you stand by the path, one of your earbuds dangling beside you as you give back heeseung's phone, letting him see the many pictures of his candid self. both of you now without your outerwears as you let your skin take in the afternoon sun. his giggles caught you abruptly, phone screen pushed towards you as he shows the pictures you caught.
"i like this one so much," he shows it to you. a blurry picture of him in front of the green trees and bushes that would not be there in a couple of weeks with the autumn season fully come upon the place. a wide grin on his face as you remember his laughter by making him follow your guide, pressing the capture button as much as you can. seeing that picture specifically makes a smile grow on you, of carelessness in his figure. the hesitation and doubt that has been plastered on his face since you both talked at the nando's back in covent garden is gone in the image. even if you have met and get to know each other for the past hours, you now realise that he is not what he seemed. that beyond his level of fameâhis face that is plastered along the hallways in the tubeâheeseung is still a creative through and through, more than a celebrity.
and that he is also caught in his own crossroads, like you are too.
you both then continue walking side by side, sensing a tug as you watch him place the dangling earbud to his own ear, letting him hear the sound of the whimsigothic song that is playing. both of your pinky fingers were brushing against each other as you both walked down the path. there's an open field on your right as you observe people having picnics there with their blankets laid out and lunch boxes scattered around. there's a few university-aged girls seemingly running around and taking their own photoshoots in the rare sunny day in london. it makes you unconsciously hold onto his pinky finger before you let go when you realiseâand heeseung seemed to realise too.
"i- sorry," he called out, and you shook your head.
"no! i'm sorry. i-"
"i'm genuinely sorry because i forgot to ask you back in the hotel. before we," he lets out a smile that is now as loose as the picture you took, "you know, we hold hands and such. um," both of you then slowed your steps, not wanting to even stop when you both realised just how limited your time isâhe mentioned the hour back at the bench across the serpentine where ducks and geese swim about.
"are you⌠dating someone?" the questionâeven if you expected itâfeels so unfamiliar.
"i'm not. i'm single now. well, i have been for more than five years or so. i had a boyfriend back in high school where we dated for, like, a year until our last year and we broke up as we both separated to different paths." you think back of the guy that you dated, a seemingly lucky scenario of you who is merely an average jane in your high school to attracted one of the best athletes in your year because you both were seatmates. but you still remember being ridiculed because of it, of how sometimes he limits you to hang out with your friends. that breaking up before finals and graduating is the clear choice as you don't want his ego to tie you down. however, the ridicule did grow something within you. things that you didn't think about then, now have moved to the forefront when you hear people talking about your relationship, insecurities that made you step back more and focus on one thing: creating away as a tool to take your mind somewhere.
"it's more like the saying," you glance at him, "about focusing on loving yourself first before you love other people. i think that's what i'm doing right now. well, it always has been my journey since the end of high school." your glance then meets heeseung's eyes, tilting your head to him as you both still walk in tandem. his gaze has something that you have only seen in actors when they are acting in a romance film. something you couldn't describe in words, but made you feel more of your hammering heart on a sliver of his feelings for you.
'but surely it's not that, right?'
"i'm also single because of my job and hectic schedule. i do know that people have crushes on me, both publicly with the fans but also privately with some other idols and staff members. it's just thatâŚ" heeseung unconsciously brushes his bangs away, letting a ray of the sun shine on his light brown locks. "i didn't look like this at school, and i believe that, even if you are good-looking, what makes people attracted to you is the impression that you have. but i want people to see the things beneath that impression that can be interesting, so that they don't see me only as someone handsome."
your eyebrows scrunched at his word, a hand holding onto the wires gently so that it doesn't get tangled when you both are trying to keep up with each other. "i think that thought shows up from that time in middle school where i liked one of the popular girls. a type of teenage love that she didn't reciprocate. well, i was not the good-looking guy at that time. still having a bowl cut, playing a bunch of games, while also learning piano. and i'm still that same boy, just grown up." the man meets his eyes to you once again. "so that's why i still feel weirded out with the idea of people liking me. desiring me is probably the more correct word to use."
nods come naturally for you as you imagine the description of a younger heeseung. the bowl cut hair sticking onto his head from the sweat of the school day. his face does not look as mature as today; his face is a bit softer still, with his large, beautiful nose. you can't help but chuckle at the image as he talks to the image of a popular girl in school who came into your mind. how innocent it feels, but also how the rejection helps him grow into himself years later.
"that could make a good topic for a song, you know?" you replied, nudging his arm as he let out laughter.
"i think i've written lyrics inspired by that, even if it isn't openly inspired," he answered. both of your pinky fingers are still brushing against each other until one swing of your movement makes your own hook with his. but instead of pulling away, now with a clear status that each of you had, you felt heeseung's pinky curl further in. now connected not only from the sound of the song that you both are hearing together, but also on the pulse that flows through your connected fingers: the pulse that is getting more and more prominent.
you both walk side by side as you arrive at the marble arch underground station. now being the right time to let go as you both have to be seperated to pass the fare box and the escalatorâ"we blend in by doing what the locals do," you remember reminding him when you both first rode to paddington station. as you arrive at the platform, you are full-on continuing to talk to him about letterboxd and how you have successfully make heeseung an account there as you both sitting around by the serpentine.
"h_evva_n? like evan but also heaven?"
"that and a little hint of the h for my birth name," he mentioned, saying that it is the name of his personal private instagram account as he opened his instagram to see the 'official heeseung' account with nearly a million followers compared to the one named evan with only nearly a hundred people. then, you showed him the interfaces of the app, on how to record the movies that he watched. which made you have a frown when he finally told you that he actually doesn't watch a lot of movies.
"but movies are good storytelling inspiration. like ariana grande with eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." you go on in a tangent that made him giggle as he promised to watch more movies in his spare time. after helping him put on his four favourite films, you finally tap in your username so that he can see your profile, your thumb moves as you make him follow you and you give him back his phone before opening yours to follow him back. his eyes are moving around your account with a patron tag beside your profile, the profile name of your username, "n0veltyd1cemaker", and the backdrop of your favourite movie plastered there. but he caught onto one movie in the first row he saw, and he had to voice it out.
"koyaanis⌠qatsi?"
"koyaanisqatsi, yeah," you reply as he reads the poster of the third movie of your four favourite. eyes watching as he opens the movie profile and reads the synopsis. "it's like a long music video. non-narrative documentary of pure editing and cool ass soundtrack by philip glass. it gave me an existential crisis."
"is that the most experimental movie you've watched?"
you hummed in agreement, "well, currently it is. i actually have another one that i still haven't gotten the time to. but it is a four-hour long chinese drama movie named an elephant stitting still. i have to gather myself up to watch it because i know it will be painful, for me, honestly." and you watched him with his lips now agape, baffled with your choice of a movie to watch as you both continue to converse.
by the platform, you then are talking to him about the tv shows that he watched. the earbud is back in his ear as you bob your head to the song playing. then the announcement of the incoming train rings as you brace yourself beside him, standing still against the wall as the train zooms past you both and the wheel screeches to a halt.
"we're gonna transfer at bond street to the jubilee line," you remind him as you stand forward, seeing a glimpse of his nodding head as the door opens and you both step inside.
the cart is much fuller than when you rode the tube before. you both find yourself standing on the other side of the cart from the open door. your hand securely hold onto your bag as the other grabs onto the pole, squeezing yourself into a corner. a bunch more people are moving to find a comfortable space to stand and you find heeseung standing in front of you. the proximity between you and he making you hold your breath as you feel the brush of his sleeveless shirt against your torso. you glance at the pole you were holding, feeling the cart moving as he holds onto the pole and puts a hand on the glass door to not crush you. his hand wraps the pole above your own, skin now grazes against each other. reverting back, you notice him looking at you in quietness, the r&b song continues to play in both of your ears as you can't seemingly look away from him. his eyes now piercing with the look that you've seen when you walk to the station, but now with even more clarity as you try your best to breathe regularly.
then, as you notice him leaning closer, the cart slows down when you look outside to see that you both arrived at bond street to transfer. his hand that was holding on to the pole now goes to hold yours. the bud gently fell from his ear as you slid out of the crowd and he followed. all seemed natural as you both didn't question the gesture until you arrived at the stairs going towards the next platform.
the cart in the jubilee line is much emptier as you two find a place to sit down. your hands are placed on your lap on top of your bag as you take in the rumbling heartbeat against your ribs. heeseung has his posture more relaxed, spreading his long legs in his vicinity and even touching yours. head tilted back as he closes his eyes to take an eye break. you watch his adam's apple bobbing as you can't help but nibble on your lower lip before shaking your head.
'you're thinking too much,' you remind yourself as you look away at the board of the next stop to the abbey road area you promised to bring him.
walking up the stairs, the sky that greets you is now cloudy, with the sun once again blanketed by the light grey balls of evaporated water. your eyes are observing the four-way intersection as you remembered what the map tells you to go. tucking your ipod and earbuds away, you waited to cross the street. heeseung standing beside you, eyes blinking rapidly as you both cross the road. the area you find yourself in is filled more with locals. some mom-and-pop shops are scattered about as it also blends in with the residential houses. by the looks of it, you can guess that this area is still as expensive as ever to live in, with its proximity to central london.
and so, you both walk on the pavement, beneath trees that has its leaves and branches shadows you as you continue to your destination. your sight is focusing on your right, where you find the famous pedestrian crossing. and you followed the street until you arrived at the three-way junction and saw the street name bolted on a building standing in one of the corners.
"abbey roadâŚ" heeseung said beside you. your eyes are looking around to see that there are only a few people. mostly are tourist as they are recreating the very picture that the beatles did for their album cover. you glance at the man beside you to see how he is blinking in near disbelief, that is before you feel him gripping onto your hand as you stand at the end of the road before the very crossing, letting the cars go past. and when you walk across, you feel his grip tightenâletting him take in the place.
"i should recreate this. we should," he said when you both arrived at the other side, looking back to find people crossing before it gets empty as another tourist walks to recreate the photo. but, before you say anything back, you felt a tug that brings you down the street to see a white building with a thin gated barrier. cars and vans strewn inside as you read a few writings that people made whilst slowly walking towards the entrance of the vicinity.
"abbey road studios. this is where they record their songs!" heeseung exclaimed as he walked towards the gate. the signage tells of the name there, with a list of their opening hours. doodles scattered on top of the white-painted walls surrounding it. his hand was already pulling the phone out of his pocket and pushing it towards you. "can you take a picture for me here?"
"of course!" you grabbed his phone and let him choose where to stand while you looked through the screen with the grid lines. moving the camera to make his head appear in the middle of the nine boxes, you quickly press the button after telling him that he can start posing now. from the screen, you can see heeseung let out a small smile before it slowly gets wider, and then turns into a grin as his head moves around. you can't help but also let out your own grin watching him pose. that, even with the many times you take a picture randomly, he still looks as photogenic as everâmaking something settle in yourself about your own photogenicness. there is a reason as to why it also makes you like working behind the scenes more, too.
you continue capturing the images as you see him candidly move to look at the side to find something that enlarges his eyes. finally, you stopped as he walked away from your frame, making you pull the phone down as you see him approaching an open door to what looks like the store for abbey road studios. another building there specifically to sell merchandise, supposedly. you stride behind him as he pushes the door, the colour scheme of white, red, and blue greets you as you find several items of merchandise of the beatles. scattered about in the small store, your eyes look around the tactful looking products that showcase abbey road studios' iconic logo and also an homage to the doodles that exist on its premises. writings of numerous fans of the musicians who have recorded their music here. stepping beside heeseung, he gazed at the pressing of albums recorded in this very studio. the beatles' abbey road prominently shown as it is eponymous with its name and the studios' fame.
"i think it's a dream of every musician to have a chance to record their work here. same with electric lady studios in new york." he carefully picked up one of the vinyl pressings of abbey road. "this is my favourite beatles album. a return to form from their more conceptual album like sgt. pepper."
"hmm," you reply before he faces you, "i can see that. mine's either revolver or rubber soul. depending on the day."
heeseung chuckles at your answer as he puts the item back. then you follow him as you let him see around the room before stopping at the shelf selling guitar picks that is illustrated with the graviti-esque art style of the abbey road studios. grabbing one which is full of six picks, he went to the cashier while you waited by the exit, which is separated from the entrance.
the door opens as you pull, letting the outside air in as you heard him saying "thank you" to the cashier before meeting you and tilting his head for you to go out first. stepping down a few steps from the building, you found another wall that is full of doodles. mentions of the beatles, the likes of lady gaga, pink floyd, but also of people just wanting to plaster their presence here, makes you feel a clench in your heart. an image of a tourist that also has come here and written down with a ink pen of their name and date, telling you of how they stopped by here before you. you can hear the sound of pictures taken as heeseung's camera is focused on the wall, letting him memorise the trip here too, beyond what he bought in the store.
you both walk back towards the crossing to find that it is nearly empty. fewer cars and vans are scattered as you find him staring at you again with a knowing look. like clockwork, you accept his phone as you try to remember the angle of the beatles' album cover so you can perfectly recreate it.
"i think doing it vertically is better than horizontal," you said to him as you moved the phone upright in your grip, pulling away from heeseung as he settled by the edge of the crossing. looking at the empty road, you quickly step onto the asphalt with one eye open, focusing the screen to find the right ratio of foreground and background as you count him down.
heeseung walks into the screen and you quickly capture the photos, walking from the left to the right as he seems to widen his stride to make it look more similar to the album cover. he can't help but let out laughter as you scramble back to him on the pavement. pulling up the gallery, you let him scroll down the ones you just captured and hearing gasp in awe.
"fuckâŚ" the second time you heard him curse makes you taken aback but amused at how he reacted, "this looks SO GOOD!" eagerness comes out instinctively as he pulls the phone away to face you. "now i can take a photo for you too."
"ah," your head shakes, "no, please-"
"why not? you have come here, and it may be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. you should memorise it," he tries his best to convince you as you continue shaking your head.
"there's a reason why i don't take a lot of photos of myself alone. i-"
"need help?" you both turn your heads to find the sound of the deep voice calling for you. an older brown man with salt and pepper hair, walking towards both of you. a lanyard around his neck that shows his identification, though it's unintelligible from where you are standing. "i can help take the photos for both of you."
you glanced back at heeseung to find him looking at his phone, then the older man, and then to you, "we can let him take our photo, and we can walk down there together."
the older man lets out a warm smile whilst looking at heeseung before nodding, "come on now. the sky is getting greyer every second here." he speaks with a tinge of the london accent you can hear.
turning back to heeseung, you nodded as you stepped aside and let heeseung tell the older man how and where to capture the picture. your eyes glance up at the sky. some semblance of branches is visible in your sight as you notice the sky that is getting greyerâper what the older man said. heeseung comes back to you as you both walk down the pedestrian to get the picture.
"okay!" the man said, "ready when you are."
in an instant, you felt heeseung's hand gripping onto your left one as your startled self makes both of you laugh. your eyes are staring at him, who is looking behind at you. heeseung is one stride in front of you with the glint in his eyes while you both are walking with wide smiles. arriving at the other end, more laughter erupts from both of you that you can't help but crouch down to calm yourself down, wiping away the hair that covers your face as you hear the older man's footsteps stopping behind you with his own chuckle.
"thank you so much," heeseung said as you turned to find him already tucking his phone back. you quickly brush the creases and folds of your clothes and make sure your bag is okay while pulling your phone out to open the map app once again.
"we don't have time. we should go to notting hill as soon as possible," you remind to heeseung.
"going to notting hill from here? that's gonna be a long walk, or are you riding the tube?" the older man said.
"we were thinking of using a bus," you reply, knowing from the mock test of the routes that you pick that there is no convenient way to go to notting hill from abbey road easily.
"or you can use my cab," the older man said before turning his head. you can see the black cab parked there with no driver in sight. you know that riding around in a taxi here is pretty expensive, hence why you ride around with the underground train and buses most of the time. but you glance back at the clock in your phone to see that it is 3 minutes to 4pm, and you realise that you have so many things to do in notting hill as the place where you haven't explored much here. with a sigh of both realisation and relief, you nodded.
"that will be great, sir."
"come!" he gestures you both towards the vehicle as heeseung glances back at you and you nod your head in a reply to him. he helps open the back door to let you in, scooting to the side so that heeseung can sit next to you. the ignition starts as the older manâthe driverâsettles into his seat and turns on the fare meter for your trip.
"any specific area of notting hill?" you see his wrinkled eyes in the rear-view mirror, looking at you and heeseung which he could probably see only half and half of each of your faces.
"i think the portobello road market would be great."
"of course, miss!" he said enthusiastically as the vehicle lurches forward. the man doesn't even need to use a map as he manoeuvres the cab towards the homes. your hand resting in the gap between you and heeseung. your head is looking out the window as leaves move from the kinetic energy of both vehicles and the air drafts across the city. the building you went past all seemed similar: blocky with gypsum trails on the outside. some are just entrances for a house that are usually two stories high. some have gates around themâthe wealthy peopleâwhere they can park their vehicle inside their houses' premises. yet, even though this is right on the edge of central london, it definitely is not as crowded with the evident residential presence and the smaller businesses on the main roads.
"where are you two from?" the driver said from the front seat as you focus back inside the vehicle, sensing heeseung's finger brushing yours.
"uh," you glance at him as he replies with a nod, letting you take the lead. "we came from two different nationalities, actually. we met in london and are spending the day together."
"hmm!" the older man hums, seeming enthusiastic from what you can see with the rear-view mirror. the older man's eyes, with their creased lines, smiled whilst looking at the road. and that's when you felt a warm glare piercing through your temple and heeseung's hand that moves to hold onto even a few of your fingers, finding comfort.
and you let him.
-
it only takes around five minutes to reach portobello road with the cabâa good time investment when you see that it's already past 4pm when you arrive. as the realisation dawns on you about the man beside you, you stay mostly quiet as the driver tells him of his own little escapade when he first arrived in london.
"i met my wife in an irish pub somewhere in east london. the crowd was alive there 'cause a band played an irish jig. we dance almost all night and then when to eat together. the rest is history." you let out a smile at the image of the man several decades ago, dancing in an irish pub with someone who will be a significant part of his future. heeseung replies with his own, "i haven't actually got the time to go to any pub. it's actually our last day in london."
and you let him continue the conversation for you, saying that he is a musician while you are a craft business owner. half-truths spoken to not only conceal his identity as an internationally famous idol, but also because he doesn't know what you are. well, you don't know what you are yourself and have been allowing this trip through the british isles as a way to find it. however. the way heeseung spoke of the things you've done today seems so enthusiastic to you that you are left in a dissonant state.
your little journey here encompasses only around seven to eight hours of your life. yet, he tells it with storytelling prowess like what a singer-songwriter does when making lyrics. it is at hearing his words that you taste a little bittersweetness on your tongue, that you have under two hours to explore a neighbourhood you have been wanting to visit when you made your flexible itinerary. that you have limited time around with him, and thatâeven if at first felt awkwardânow feels fun. reasons drill into your head as you think back on the voyage you both had, on how you try your best to not be seen in his photographs because you are merely there. a speck in his big, big life. you had resorted to sinking your hope down because, like a lightning in a bottle, this whole thing is near impossible to do again.
heeseung and you will go your separate ways after today. and you don't want that to affect the rest of your journey. nonetheless, you felt yourself slipping up when you first grabbed onto his hand and thought that it felt different from the moments when you were merely wanting him to catch up to you.
larger trees become less and less as you arrive at a neighbourhood. the taxi is moving underneath a viaduct, where you can see trains going above. two huge concrete blocks are placed at the entrance of the road and the cab slows down by the pavement before it. your hand already reaching for your bag as another one stops you, looking up to find heeseung's face around 30cm in front of you.
"let me pay," he persuade with enlarged eyes and the tousled bangs on his forehead. nodding slowly, the tinnitus receded as you could hear the continuation of the older man's question with heeseung answering.
"thank you so much," the word let out easily from you as the older man also thanks the two of you back. heeseung helping to close the door for you as the cab scurries away towards a group of tourists hailing it to come. looking around, the grey sky is slightly darker. the thick clouds only let a little shine of the sun to pierce through as you walk towards the closed-off road. footsteps following beside you.
entering the road, you see many tents and booths on one side of the road, and many types of shops on the buildings on each side of the road. being there on the weekday afternoon means that there aren't as many people here. some of the booths have half of their stock gone, especially the ones that sell food. clothes are hanging from hangers in the tent, and someone even brings out their van as a place to sell things. the walk continues, easier to do on the asphalt street and a less crowded street. you remembered from the map where you put all the locations that you want to visit, that down the street you are on is where the electric cinema is located. a cinema that you wanted to visit after visiting prince charles cinema back at leicester square. but now with heeseung with you and limited time, it is compromised. maybe someday you'll be able to visit.
"ooh," you hear him gasp as heeseung walks toward one of the tents. a lady around ten years older than you is residing at the front as you look at the table full of charms, keychains, and stickers. vintage-looking charms that you can feel your eyes sparkling at. gently picking one of them, the lady says, "it comes in two. for you and your friend there."
turning to the side, heeseung is focused on a few necklaces, a slight pout on his face as he focuses on the item. this is the place where you are free to shop around, of course, and you sense warmth spreading in you at how excited it all seems to be for him. 'maybe', you look down at the chain once again, 'it's a good gift for him.'
"can i get the pair?"
the transaction is quick as you hastily put the small paper bag with the items you both inside the pocket, your figure already approached heeseung, who is now looking at a few clothes at the stall next to him. his eyes widen to find you before turning back. "the style matches you more than me," as you catch the flap of your bag that looks vintage enough closing whilst you scoff.
"even if i can buy clothes, i'm trying to limit myself because i have a lot of things to buy at the end." you winked after saying it to him, making him nod in return.
"i feel the same. i can't exactly buy a big thing because i'm not the one who handles my suitcase. it might've already been checked in when i arrived at the airport."
you both continue to walk down the road, passing one intersection to continue down the blocked off portobello road market, where more stalls and booths are there. your eyes enjoy the window shopping as you feel yourself holding down on going to buy something for yourself. 'focus on experience first, especially for him,' you remind yourself. your bag brushed against your side as he took his footsteps alongside you. what you didn't realise was the way the sky had darkened enough and you felt little drops from above that you think it is sweat.
however, then it gets quicker, heavier, and you only take a glimpse at the sky before the droplets start to fall more heavily.
"run!" you exclaimed as the sound of the rain got louder, pouring down hard. your feet stepped on the asphalt that was getting wetter by the second as you turned left at the intersection to find shelter in a doorway of a closed store. heeseung follows behind you as he has a grin on his face. his sleeveless arms have droplets of rain trailing down his skin. you felt something dropping down your face as you wiped it away, chuckling at the situation as you glance back at heeseung in this small haven.
"you're gonna get a scolding from your manager," you joked at him as his chuckles continued.
"let himâŚ" he turns his head to find your facial expression mimicking him. in an instant, you sense that warm feeling again. your eyes that were trailing his slightly wet arms go up towards his face, finding the smile slowly drops with his lips now ajar. the proximity of the walls and the rain before you makes the warmth stronger and you feel yourself sinking back, already leaning against the wall as your legs are brushing his. heeseung's lip is slightly dry as you forgot to remind him of his chapstickâsomething that you'd seen him wear with his stylist before leaving the hotel lobby. however, you felt the magnetic force making both of you closer.
you don't know which one approaches closer first, but you think that it is around the same time when you felt his lips on yours. soft, gentle, hesitation. his eyelids flutter to a close first when you can see a few drops of rain at the ends of his eyelashes. your hands are aching before finally resting on his shoulder, holding yourself steady as you fully close your eyes and let the sensation hit you. your wet t-shirt suddenly feels dry because of your fastening heartbeat, flowing more blood around your body because of heeseung. your lips experimented, moving slightly as he also adjusted, puckering up as you pout as well. a slight push from each other so that your lips are fully meeting.
you are kissing heeseung. heeseung is kissing you.
and with that realisation, you both pull away with only a small distance between your lips. eyes dazed as you try your best to read the situation.
"heeseung?" you started,
"(y/n)?" he replied.
"heeseungâŚ" you answered.
"(y/n)," he echoes back, letting his forehead rest against your own. your eyes are looking down, away from his eyes as you shake your head slightly.
"heeseung," the voice that comes out of you is more stern, grounded. yet still in bafflement, "what have we done?"
you see his hand move from the corner of your eye, resting on your face as his thumb brushes against your cheekbone, making your eyes flutter as you meet his gaze.
"i don't regret itâŚ" heeseung spoke. his hand continue to cup your face as he pulls back, shaking his head to show that he indeed didn't regret kissing you. a frown naturally forms, eyebrows scrunched. yet he continues to hold your face as you read into his eyes. the warm feeling you are sensing coming from them.
with a little nibble on your bottom lip, you then said, "i don't regret it eitherâŚ"
heeseung glances to the side where droplets pour down from the small canopy, "i don't think the rain is going to stop. we have to move." his hand left your face as you moved to peek from the entrance, looking at what is beside the store as you find the familiar sign for rough trade.
"we can go to the store beside here," you return to him, "it's a music store."
without hesitation, heeseung walks first into the pouring rain to the slightly larger entrance of the store, then looks around to see that you are correct. it is, in fact, a music store. posters of various musicians are plastered on the window as he reads the writings. you are following behind him when he gently pushes the door open. the sound of a song playing in the background as rows upon rows of vinyl discs are placed in crates. something that overwhelms him because it has been a while for him to even buy physical releases. heeseung does collect them back home, but only the albums that he truly enjoys.
his shoulder brushes against yours as you go by, looking at the featured vinyls by the wall and the ones on sale. the signage that says downstairs is tempting where you can see genres that you enjoy, such as new wave and jazz. but you try your best to find the section that you want to show him. heeseung strides behind you, following along as you go past the pop and rock area. bands and musicians you've heard with their famous album covers are plastered on the wall. but your eyes are focusing on finding the r&b section.
you felt the warm gazeâheeseung'sâbeside you as you were digging through the crate with the label. eyes looking through the names and images on the outer sleeve of the album cover. you carefully move them to the front with your fingertips, pushing the edge of it towards you. then, when you see the familiar green album with the yellow and red accent, you hear the man beside you gasp.
"i've seen the album before," he mentioned as you showed him.
"erykah badu's. i think you'll like her songs. but honestly, i think you like neo soul in general. like d'angelo?" your free hand mimics a brain explosion gesture as heeseung laughs. you looked back at the packaging once again before putting it back into the crate, "as much as i want to force you to buy it, it's gonna be harder for you to pack it up."
"that's right," heeseung says, his hand tugs on the shirt around his waist as he unties it and slowly puts it on. his eyes are looking around the pop section when he catches the crate that has a k-pop label. his heart starts to beat faster as he remembers that the label did make a vinyl edition of his newest album. his fingers moving along to dig through the crateâlesser numbers than the other pop section that is divided by the alphabetâto then discover the familiar album cover. heeseung sensed a presence beside him as he shifted his head to find you, eyes already on the cover.
heeseung pushes gently so you can see clearly, "this is the album that you've heard back at the park."
"the one you're touring for?"
"yeah," your eyes focused on the cover after he answered back. the image is fully black and white, a blurry picture of heeseung. but with the distance in the photo and him being angled to the side, you can trace him clearly. a gentle smile formed on your face as you felt an itch on your hands to bring it to the counter and buy it. however, you have your own limitations with the duration of time you are still travelling and the limit of your luggage. maybe, if you visited another rough trade or other music store that also sells k-pop releases before you go home, you may still be enticed by it, knowing that you genuinely wanted to support his career.
after placing the release back into the pile, heeseung gave you nods, understanding the same sentiment as the one he has with the erykah badu album. you open your bag as you put on your outer once again, helping you to at least protect from the raindrops. you looked back at the clock to see that it was near 4.30pm and the fact of the matter of your time together running out became a motivation to continue on.
opening the door to the outside, you both stand under the cover as the rain still swarms, yet not like a shower that happened around 10 minutes ago. you are genuinely mad at yourself for leaving your umbrella in your carrier at the bag storage of paddington station. and so, you turn to heeseung and said, "we're going to go pass through the rain towards that road. just follow me."
"alright!" he spoke back, a little louder to fight against the noise of the rain. counting down, both of you blasted off towards the direction that you are pointing. you're running slightly in front under the rain, hearing heeseung laugh at the situation as he kept up with you, trying his best to cover his head with his bag as his clothes are still getting damp. you were more daring, only covering the area above your eyes so you could see clearly before glancing towards heeseung, following his laughter with your own as the rain felt more magical than everâas if all the challenges and limitations you both are feeling disappeared for a few minutes.
looking to your left, you see the sign with the blue background of the notting hill bookshop. though not the real location of the movie, it is inspired by this very bookshop where you felt your own heart pitter-pattering. you pushed the door of the shop open and held for heeseung to step in. as quickly as you can, you grab pieces of tissue that you kept inside your bag to wipe away the drops so that it doesn't get the books wet. heeseung grabs a few after you offered him and does the same, wandering eyes scanning the interior. a small shop with books scattered along the surfaces with a few people in it, including the staff. taking refuge in the shop, you smell the familiar woody scent of papers. the wooden-panelled floor creaks as you walk in with the man behind you, trying your best to navigate through the small shop as you stride to the back of the store to just find more books.
heeseung looks around overwhelmingly. most of the bookstores he go to in seoul are the big chains that sell more than books. a usual place where he buys his stationery needs and also finds k-pop albums. nevertheless, the small rooms connected to each other with books and items all around do bring him a sense of warm comfort. his eyes stay on you as you shift around in amusement, focusing more on the books than ever. an endearing view in his eyes.
"you've heard of the notting hill movie?" you break the ice.
"you know that i don't watch a lot of moviesâŚ" heeseung remarked as you snicker, turning your head towards the path you are coming from.
"this bookstore is the one that inspired the one in the notting hill movie, which is about a bookstore owner in notting hill and his relationship with an american actress who is working here. they actually shoot the movie around notting hill, which makes it cooler." your words reaching him while you move to the front of the store once again, making him notice thatâbecause of the fame of the movieâthey are selling merchandises. one of them are postcards as he trails his sight to find one that is actually a poster for the movie and the one beside it with the shop's signature blue colour contrasts the white words.
"'i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her,'" heeseung heard the sound clearly, realising that when he averts his eyes, it was actually your voice speaking it, which seems to be the quote of the movie. as your lips closed after the last few words, your head twitches before turning to face him. though his eyes peer down to your lips, the very lips that said those beautiful wordsâcreating an underlying resonance between the two of youâand the very lips that he had kissed. he is genuine with his answer in that small doorway. that he didn't regret anything when he kissed you; that he felt better because you reciprocated it, or when both of your lips met halfway, as he was certain that he pushed forward first.
he wants to do it again in this small bookstore hallway, heat now engulfing you both instead of the cold rain. but he sees the many people surrounding him and settles to just put himself closer to you, placing a hand on your back as a pout formed on your face. heeseung takes in what you've said about the movie set in this very neighbourhood, and based on your reaction as you said those words and feel his touch, he knows that you see yourself in the same position as the protagonists. and it is something that he wishes he could talk more about with you.
approaching the front, heeseung gazes at the stacks of books with differing covers. you already have a journal in your hand that you want to buy when you stopped at one side and looked at the books there. your free hand picks one up, turning the book around to look at the front and back covers, before glancing at him, "you read books?"
"sometimes. currently no."
"i was thinking, if you want of course," you push the book to his chest, making him pick it up to read the title 'pride and prejudice' on the cover. "just as a little memento and the fact that you need to watch more movies, we should buy these and read it, knowing that we have the same copy of the book." he watches a scoff came out of you, pursed lips move around as you speak what's on your mind, "maybe, someday if we met again, we can compare notes on the book. and you definitely have to watch the 2005 movie. one of the most beautiful movies i have ever seen."
heeseung's gaze looks back at the book as he thinks of your proposition. as much as he doesn't want to admit it, he is ever so close to getting a burnout. self-reflecting on what you both talked aboutâhow he doesn't fully see himself as an idol, when you mentioned that he sounds livelier in his older songsâsongs can only be created so much with the story he had inside his mind. books can be a good way to add to it, reading other people's stories to see if he can make something out of it; either inspired by said book or adapting what has been in his life to the scenario in the writings.
"that's a good idea," he voices out with the corner of his lips tugging upwards. you nodded at his agreement as you took another copy for yourself before going to the counter to pay. he glanced back at the book again, already thinking of something to make it more personalised, before grabbing it and queuing behind you.
the rain is still pouring, lighter than before but still heavy enough to soak your clothes if stayed underneath for too long. and so, after tucking your newly purchased journal and book into your bag. you stand in front of the closed door of the bookshop outside, face to face with heeseung who is looking at you for confirmation.
"honestly, i'm a little hungry."
"me too, and a little cold," heeseung answered.
"we should find a cafe near the station."
"yes, please," he replied, a hand offered as you connect it with your own.
"i'll let you lead the way this time. just go towards more to the right because that's the way to our station," you remind him as you feel him brush his thumb against the back of your hand. with your fingers interlocked, he pulls you away from the bookstore and into the rain.
both of your bags are bouncing from your movement as you both run down the wet pavement and even the empty roads. your shoes got splashed by some of the puddles as you had to remind yourself to change into your other pair to let this one dry. you felt your face getting wet from the rain pouring, already expecting to find the makeup you wore more smudgy than everâyou do like your makeup a bit messy anyway. heeseung continues down the concrete, observing the exteriors around him, when he brings you to a prominent road with wider lanes. turning right like you said, you both swerved around people walking with their open umbrellas trying to find a cafe. the boy sees the bridge and a passing train above it: the station that you mentioned that will bring you back. his eyes look closely at the windows as he finally found a cafe pretty near the bridge and brings you to the terrace. he heard you let out a sigh as you peered at the small establishment, wiping away the drops on your face, finding your hair strands clumping into one another.
the cafe is quaint and empty except for one barista who greets you. heeseung quickly settles on the chairs by the window, liking the idea of spectating the outside world while waiting for the rain to stop. the grey sky blanketed the sky as he couldn't tell that it was already five until he checked his phone. instantly, he can now feel the tiredness spreading around him from walking and standing for a while.
"evan," he heard your voice calling to him, "do you want a hot or cold drink?"
heeseung approaches you and stands behind to scan the menu, letting the proximity warm you both up as he points to the drink he wants before you order your own drink and a pastry you and he will share. "let me pay for it," he said right into your ears, and you peek at him before mouthing, "okay."
after he settled the payment, you both went to your seats with the table settling between you. putting a hand on your chest, you hoped the pressure would help calm you down as you finally settled down in front of him. and when he catches your eyes, giggles bubbled up from both of you. with hours now in between the moment when you sit across from him in that nando's, you can already feel the difference. this one is more natural. a few barriers are left between the two of you after spending your day with him. and now, as you sit in this small cafe in notting hill with the evening approaching, you can feel your heart dropping more and more inside you. a way to cool down your day, but also another step to face until you finally separate from each other: him to seoul and you to your train going to edinburgh.
silence envelopes both of you as you stare at one another, letting the day sink in, sensing how the sweat and rain are combining on your skin. the sound of the espresso machine working in the background fills the air as you piece together the questions you want to ask. your eyes notice him settle his hands on the table, clasp with each other, as you inhale to speak.
"how is london?" the question sounds simple, yet heavy at the same time.
"i love to explore more. but the places that you bring me to are great."
"glad to know, um," you turn to see the barista putting the drinks and croissant down on the table. replying with gratitude, you quickly grab your cup and drink up the warm drink. licking the excess of the drink from around your lips, you glance at him while he also takes a sip of his drink, hearing his hum before slowly putting it back on the small plate.
"you do really want to go to notting hill, huh?" heeseung started asking.
"yeah! well, other than the movie, i think it's just a cool neighbourhood. it's like a microcosm of the city with arts, markets, famous landmarks, and more. there's even a walking tour around the neighbourhood. i was considering if i could get one, but i like travelling all by myself more," you said whilst nodding your head. "and i hope you'll like the pride and prejudice book too. i don't know if i may have coerced you into buying because of me, but i genuinely like how the movie looks and i think i can see myself liking the book too." eyebrows scrunched as you gesture towards his bag.
"that's alright. i want to read more books as well. so it's good to have that one now, especially because you're reading it too," heeseung remarked, picking up the fork to gently get the pieces of the croissant that you have requested to be cut off. relief flows all over you as you take another sip, warming your body up while you let the background music from the cafe fill your presence. that awkward feeling comes once again, not because of the unknown that you both have and navigate with by talking to each other. now, it is the awkwardness of how to end it; truly ending it.
"it makes me happy to see you enjoying the neighbourhood. you do like production design a lot from the movies you mentioned and what you said about the plays and musicals you watched." heeseung notes something that strikes you, to think that he must have observed you so closely to see how you tick with your joy on those things made your cheek feel warmer than even the beverage before you.
"and also with your education and what you told me. about what you're doing," he added, eyes fluttering as you watch him thinking of something. the corners of his lips fall to their regular shape, but his next question hits you more, "is that why you're crying last night? something related to it?"
"you⌠heard itâŚ" you mumble, not intending to be a question but you see heeseung nodding his head. and immediately, the many things you've done to avoid thinking about what you received last night are shattered. the cracks let the memory of the moment that breaks you in and spread all across your thoughts. even if you know heeseung is your hotel room neighbour, you felt sorry for him to hear you wail.
"it is actually something related to it," you started. he deserved to know because you caused a hindrance to himâon the night when he should've had the best rest after a while.
your mind thinks back to the scene from last night. you see yourself in a third-person point of viewâlike a movie or stage playâheartbeat drumming against your chest, the laptop opens as you open the pages to find the thing you are looking for. breath held for a long time as you read what the screen shows, holding strongly against the wooden material whilst not realising that a tear had slid down your cheek. you had to push yourself away from the desk to actually react with your entire body.
"it's⌠about my future⌠after the tripâŚ" heeseung already watching you with his frowning eyebrows. your head is shaking to calm yourself down. "i didn't get it. the grant."
the man who sits in front of you let out an exhale. a grant. a grant for you to do something. and based on the way your eyes are starting to water, a grant to do something that you love.
"after this trip, i was hoping to go back to school again, but now for arts and crafts instead. production design as you mentioned, creating something for movies or the stage." you started slow, in chronological order, so that he understands where you are coming from. because the person in front of you is your definition of the epitome of success. a well-known, wealthy korean idol who has already done an international tour at the age of 25. and you, being the same age as him, have accomplished nothing. "so i applied for a grant specifically for arts and crafts. i pour my experiences from being a tech in theatre, creating things, and making a portfolio, into that grant. the staff was so nice when we had an interview about it and they reacted positively⌠then seeing the rejection broke me."
your hands on the table, clenched into a fistâstabilising you as you can already feel yourself trembling. "it makes me realise just how much of a failure i am. that even if i pour something into what i love, it's not enough. i'm already two years behind my friends who are thriving in their lives. and i don't want to go back to marketing anymore because i gave up so much to leave that world. and yet, when i want to move on, the universe seems not to allow me." heeseung watches your lips pursed, letting out an exhale as you continue speaking softly, "i was also not having the best time that night. someone was advancing at me. i multiple times said no and i had to be saved by the bartender before i saw the email notification for the announcement. it cummulates into what happened last night," you scoff at the notion, a tear falling down your cheek, "i didn't even sleep in the bed last night."
heeseung's heart tugs as he observes you. the muffled sound of your wails from behind the wall now has a clear definitionâhe described it as agony. the sound that he had also related to as it becomes the catalyst of the doubts created in his mind about what he is doing. from his eyes, you are the bravest person he had known. you had a similar experience to minhyun; you pivot from what you have spent a long time doing to take a different path. and even if his first company went bankrupt and had to let him go, his luck found him to minhyun and he, along with the label, managed him until he is at a level of career and fame that he never expected. yet, tiredness always stays idle beneath his skin. he never has a good night's sleep ever since a week after he signed his new contractâonly the ones that came from the doctor's order so he can feel better in his ailments. in his eyes, you are more experienced than he is in living. however, when he heard your reasoning, he felt it too. he will turn 25 after his encore concert back in seoul and he doesn't know what to do next. his encore is similar to your grant, because it is a catalyst to know what path he'll take in the future. heeseung thinks back on the words you've said as he heard you sob, muffled by you covering your face with your palms.
"i feel it too," he started, making you lift your head up, "when i heard you cry last night, you were acting out on what i'm thinking. i genuinely don't know what to do after i go back to seoul and perform my last concert for the tour. though, i do know that education doesn't have to be the sure way to secure your future. i," heeseung points to himself in the middle of his chest. "i never learned music formally. i went to a language high school, like i said before, because it is a sure way for me to get a stable job. because even at that age, i knew doing music is risky. yet, i try very hard to make a hobby that i love into something that i can do for my life. you heard my history."
"i did," you whispered back.
"and it's not as fun as yours. i would love to study at a university on-campus. finding people with similar tastes as i am and connecting through that. but i chose to sign an idol contract and have been working almost non-stop for the past few years." his adam's apple bobbed as you gazed back at him with watery eyes, thinking into his words as you imagine heeseung being someone at your campus. and the epiphany of him not actually having done that.
"i will say⌠start small. and i think you already did when you told me the things you're going to do during your trip," heeseung echoes, his words referencing the words you said before about yourself. the corner of your lips curls upwards. he remembers.
"you told me you like making miniatures, small sceneries too, and your username is 'novelty dicemaker'. i think going into the business route can be good for you because you have some of the knowledge from your marketing school," his voice sends out a clear message. "it's like songwriting for me. small parts, maybe the lyrics first, and maybe the melody first, but it combines. of course, there are things that i am not an expert in. but combining what you learned is worth more than starting from zero again, and you can learn more on the road."
heeseung sighs; the words he spoke out of his very lips feel real to him, too. if he hadn't learned in a language high school, maybe he would only be learning a certain music genre without knowing what it means in their countries. he couldn't be talking to you in english clearly, even if some of the words he had spoken seem not natural enough for a conversational english level. but he combined that to make memorable and understandable lyrics that the k-pop industry needed, especially one that likes to combine both english and korean even in the same line, now with the right grammar. if he didn't learn languages, he might struggle to communicate with peopleâespecially with the many times his multilingual studies have helped him survive in foreign countries, no matter how broken they sound against a fluent speaker. and as he blinks on his thought process, he can't help the doubts that linger about his career. facing a different case from the same root.
"i'm- no," he mumbles, correcting himself, "i know i'm not perfect. the songs i made go through a process to be judge to see which one is the perfect one to be included. but i'm also not perfect based on the choices i made. and the consequences have reached me now because i never felt this free in a long time." you heard a sniff coming from heeseung as he lets out a shaky breath. "i think i need a change of something. when you mentioned that the music i made before sounds livelier, it made me evaluate my process and realise just how limited it has been for me. even if a soloist has the most creative freedom, i'm still under my current K-pop-focused company. and i realised that iâŚ" heeseung looks downâthe words right at the edge of his tongueâand observes your hand on the table moving towards his. a slight brush against his knuckle as he blinks in rapid succession before finishing his sentence.
"i realised that i don't want to be an idol anymore. i want to focus on being a musician, a producer, a songwriter, instead of an idol, because idols are perfect. and i know i'm not. and i can't keep up with it anymore."
"then become something else." you say the words that are nagging in his mind, "you can be beyond what you were thinking. if an idol life is not for you, it's not gonna be the end of the world." eyes also look down, now with his fingers nudging to be placed in between yours, as an epiphany comes to you, "we're still young. living the first quarter of our lives. we are still able to change. i mean, i am right now⌠i think self-evaluation, like what you said before, helps to find the little things in your life that feel like they can be more. and, i'll probably say that you may need to wait after your encore concert to think beyond your current state. give yourself time to evaluate yourself."
"evaluate yourselfâŚ" the phrase came out of heeseung's voice like an echo as he nodded before letting out a solemn smirk.
"yeah, and um," your fingers finally curl against his, making him turn his palm to lock his digits with yours. "thanks for hearing me complain about things. and also for the advice. i know that it seemed so sudden, and i'm sorry for disturbing you last night."
heeseung reverts his mind back to the jazz in his ears, with the sound volume decreased as he heard your cries. and before him is the person who has told things regarding it. and now, the same person is the first person who knows about his hesitation to continue to be an idol. "thank you for giving advice too." his hand caresses you gently, "we are not perfect after allâŚ"
"no, we aren't," you echo his sentiment as you lock your eyes on him. you see the little bits of tears in the shine of his eyes, and when he lets out a small smile, you also show yours, making you both snicker at each other as you turn to the window and look at the rain. seeing a little light from the moving cloud that is slowly turning purple.
finishing the cut croissant that is divided evenly between the two of you, you let the last of your drink down as you savour the flavour, gently putting the cup down on the table. as you stare at it, you notice heeseung opening his bag from the edge of your sight and pulling out something. a white colour showing to you as he pries the plastic container open. the sounds of objects jumping enter your ear as he stabilises it, before showing it to you. the familiar colour scheme and doodle style raise your eyebrow as you take a quick peek at the little pocket in your bag.
"here's one for you," he picked up one of the guitar picks from the set of sixâthe one he bought at the abbey road studios storeâbefore pushing it to you. your eyes looked at the graffiti-style typography on it before you hold between your fingers. "i don't know if you play any instruments or not. but i did think of giving one of them to you. just a little something to think back on me and today."
a chuckle came out of your lips as you slide the pick down to your palm before you curl your fingers, covering it. you personally don't play an instrument, but you'll keep it somewhere safe. maybe, sometime in the future, you have a desire to play a guitar, and you can use the pick heeseung gave you.
he then looked back when he heard a little crack in the air as the guitar pick he gave you rested back on the table. and he traces your hand as you also pick up your bag and open a pocket, pulling something out of it before covering it up with your fist. you pushed that clasped hand out. "here, for you to remember me also," you said, turning your hand so your palm faces up and uncurled your fingers. on it, two matching chain full of charms are resting there. a large blue button hanging on the end. a small charm of a king of spades card and a queen of hearts card on each charm, then decorated with stars and little colour beaads that match and complement each other. heeseung's hand gently pinched to pick one up, staring back at you to see you nod, as he holds it before letting it fall into his other hand.
"now we have something of each other," you uttered as he replied, "agree." eyes staring at one another, a smile grows on your face as it also grows on heeseung's. both of your bags are on your lap as you gently hang the new matching charm with the collection of yours. whilst heeseung's placement made his bag less empty with a tinge of colour evident there. the appearance of it made you smirk as you saw it dangling under the light of the interior, but also from outside.
peering outside, you see how the sky is more orange than blue; the rain has gone back to a light one that made people brave enough to go around without their umbrellas. and then, you looked down at your clock to see that it was 15 minutes before 6pm. and when you look up, heeseung's gaze is already on you as you nod, seeing him let out a small smile, which is different from the glassy eyes that are evident.
both of your bags are hanging by your sides, straps adjusted to your comfort as you take a glimpse at the matching chain dangling from heeseung's bag. you go past the fare box and up the stairs to the platform. the outerwear now sticks to your clothes, wet patches still evident on some parts of both of your figures. bringing one of your buds to him, he naturally picks it up and places it in his ear, letting you take in a song that is to your likingâa shoegaze song colouring your hearing as you wait for the train to come. a few minutes later, the familiar screeching from the train braking to a stop is getting louder before it fades as the cart stands before you. the door opens as you are met with a less crowded cartâbecause people are using the other way more to go home from central london.
sitting down beside each other, heeseung gently picks up your hand and locks it with his, resting them on his thigh as you view outside at the buildings pasing by, riding onto the track on the bridges you went right under in that black-coloured taxi. as the music plays and you both watching the sky getting darker and darker, heeseung relaxes himself against his seat before he felt something resting on his shoulder. he finds you there, head leaning to the side to rest on him, as he had to hold himself from emoting with the caress from his thumb on top of your hand.
the call for paddington station makes you both sit up before standing by the door as it opens. the outdoor platform lets you breathe as you walk up the stairs towards the main train station. gently, heeseung returns the earbud to you. yet, the hands never let go as you walk through the fare box. the train station is bustling with people once again. the lights are now turned on and bright as ever. you still find some people looking at the board to see their train schedules and location of their platform.
and now, here you two are, standing in the middle of the station where people are walking all around you. his way to heathrow airport with elizabeth line is on one side, while your ride to king's cross station via the circle line is on the other side. your luggage stood around you as you tug your backpack on top of the suitcase, the handle slipped through the little part of the backpack to stay in place as you glanced at heeseung, who was haphazardly putting his book copy into his bag. you both stood in front of each other. the usual giggles coming out of both of your lips as you face one another.
"remember, ride the one with the last station as heathrow airport. i don't want you to go to reading or somewhere else," you reminded him as he took the advice, "oh, almost forgot." you lean in closer, lowering your voice, "UK airports are notorious for making people walk through their duty-free area. so, if you are not interested to buy duty free things, just follow the main path and go quickly. i had an experience of watching a group running through because they almost missed their flight."
"noted," he replied, voice lowered to follow yours. your faces are now closer to each other as you stare at him. then instantly, you felt him wrap his arms around your figureâsomething that you reciprocated back. your head rested on his shoulder, both of you giving a tight squeeze on each other as the warmth that came from his eyes now flows through you. it actually made your eyes flutter shut with the comfort. but then you felt him move slightly back as you saw his face clearly.
even with blurry eyes forming, you captured his lips perfectly. his soft lips greet yours one last time as your hand moves to cup both sides of his face. you felt his tongue sliding across your bottom lip as you took him in, letting it meet with yours as you both tried to memorise each other. a kiss that is built on the one you had at notting hill, yet this one now pours a ton of history and memories. you sense the fallen tear from your eyes as you pull back, looking back to see that his cheeks also have trails of tears.
"oh," you commented, wiping the trail away as you calm him down with soothing gestures against his cheek.
"i want to say thank you. for being here with me. help me navigate through heavy things. making me evaluate myself more than i could ever do," heeseung says, his voice sounded a little shaky as you give him a light kiss on his cheek.
"thank you also, heeseung. if it's not because of you, i would probably give up on my goal. but now i know that there is someone rooting for me." you spoke back as heeseung can't help but give your forehead a kiss. then it trails down the bridge of your nose before it lands on your lips as you both kiss again for the next five seconds.
you had to make yourself let go as you feel your heart aching. hand holding onto the handle of your suitcase so it doesn't look as shaky. "remember to watch before sunrise."
"i will," he replies immediately. then you turn to look at the clock: 5 minutes before 6pm, and him about to leave the country at around 8pm. slowly, both of you take steps away from each other towards your respective sides.
"goodbye, (y/n)." his voice rings as you pull the luggage to you, stepping a few steps away from him so that you don't get your impulses to react and give him a hug again.
with a curt nod, you reply, "goodbye, heeseung."
and with that, you turn around, walking towards the way to your tube line to king's cross. away from your travel companion that you've spent your day with. away from someone who has made you feel something you haven't felt in a while. and as you turn around to look back at him, he is already there, staring at you, unmoving from his spot.
"if you go to korea," his voice rings louder, still loud enough for you to hear against the bustling crowd of commuters, "let me know, okay?"
"yeah. okay!" you nodded as you watched his smile widen with a wave from his hand before turning around, making you both turn to go to your destination. the suitcase glides with your control as you arrive at the escalator leading you to the entrance of the underground. and you turn back once again, trying to find him. your eyes glide around the floor to see if you can find a familiar bleached, dirty blond-haired boy with a wet flannel outer clinging to his skin like what yours are doing. your sight looks straight at the entrance of elizabeth line to find someone in the same description standing meters from it. and he turns around too. the crowd seemed to feel the weight as you had a clear eyeline on him, and with that, you waved your hand at him, and he replied to yours with his own. waving until you feel satisfied.
and for the last time, you both turned away from each other. letting the day go by as you take you separated ways.
in the train car, heeseung stares out at the sky getting darker and darker towards the outside of central london. true to your words, the elizabeth line train is wider compared to the ones in the underground. his eyes then look down at the charm you bought for him, hanging on the zipper of his bag. then at the copy of pride and prejudice book you both have. he pulls it out, opening the page with the title as he sees your signature there alongside a sticker with the typography of london that you gave to him as the staff brought your belongings out when you are retrieving themâa sticker that will be added to his suitcase, knowing that it is also matching with yours.
as you walk from the platform you arrived at into king's cross station, you are met with more people. it is probably because the station is beside st. pancrasâan international train station that can lead you all along the european continent. you guide your luggage around people as you walk towards somewhere heeseung wanted to go, but due to time constraints, you both are not able to. the harry potter vibe of the platform 9 3/4 gift shop hits you as you see there is still a queue for people to take a photo at the cart installation there. and in honour of him, you enter the shop.
"there you are- your clothes are wet," minhyun commented as heeseung arrived at the airport terminal. his eyes were gliding to find the recognisable staff members in his entourage, and he found the familiar figure of his manager.
"got caught in the rain. don't want to be late," he spoke back before minhyun pats his back.
"well, i hope you had fun with her," his hyung continues and as the thought of you came into his mind. eyeline meeting yours even across the large paddington station.
"the most fun," heeseung answered, gaining a smile from his manager before he moved first. "come on, we have to quickly get in because my friend said the path to the gates will be long."
with a can of butterbear-flavoured cookies tucked inside your backpack, you are sitting facing the crowd whilst eating dinner, waiting for your train. staring at the schedule on the screen, you find the name of your train that will bring you to edinburgh, seeing how it has an on-time status. turning to the luggage beside your seat, you found the matching sticker that you bought for you and heeseung already sticking onto the exterior wallâadding to the collection of cities you have travelled to. remembering how you will arrive there by the morning, you hoped that once you get on the train, you can get the most satisfying sleep, and you hoped that heeseung also has one in his long flight. you turn your head to look at the screen, seeing that it is already 8pm local time.
by the gate, heeseung is waiting in line to get onto the plane. his hand is moving to review the pictures you took of him. the ones in hyde park, some outside of the underground station, at abbey road. but also a moving picture at the famous crossing that autoplays when he comes to it. he realised that it was the result of the taxi driver helping him. but instead, he gave heeseung a video. and as he replays it, he watches you and him walking down the crossing together. a smile etched on both of your faces as he pauses the video and zooms in on the frame with your face clearly smiling. he felt a tug in his heart looking at it, but it was something that made him feel better as he thought about what you're doing right now.
at around 9.45pm in king's cross station, you have entered the platforms and guide your luggage down the long path. your eyes looking back at your phone to see the seat number that has been booked under your name. pressing the button to open the door, you picked up the luggage with both hands on the handle and you then walked towards the luggage compartment, placing your suitcase there before bringing your backpack to the overhead compartment of your seat by the window. peering outside, you are met with the brick walls of the station, another set of trains across from you as you feel your eyes closing. the heaviness in your heart is relieved because of your talk with heeseung. and whilst you wait for the other passengers, you reach for your messenger bag to find the pride and prejudice that has heeseung's signature on it. but your focus is on your journal as you update your day as fast as possible before tiredness consumes you. from the ups and downs and all, you write it down so that when you read the entry, you will remember exactly what the memory is in your mindâscenes will show in your mind. you try your best to do so until your train departed. looking back at your clock, you can't help but think about heeseung now, whose plane has already taken off.
around 10.000 feet above the earth's surface, the plane is one hour into the 13-hour non-stop flight to seoul. heeseung sits in the soft cushions of his business class seatâcourtesy of his company's hospitalityâas he look at the screen to find out that the plane was now flying above switzerland. even with the dimmed lights to let people sleep, he couldn't feel the droopiness in his eyes, and so, he pressed the control to open the in-flight entertainment. maybe a movie can help him sleep.
scrolling through the list of movies in korean and in english, he looked at the poster one by one before stopping at one. the colour on the poster is pastel with pink being the dominant colour. there are two people on it. the girl is lying on top of the guy's lap, staring into each other's eyes. heeseung's sight moved to the typography beside the two people: before sunrise.
the very movie that you mentioned reminds you of this whole ordeal. the movie that you are adamant for him to watch. the movie that made you compare him to the male character. and hearing the way you comment about it makes him curious about how those two characters decide to travel a city together. to let him be curious as to how these two can create feelings like the way you both have for each other, even if shown through gestures and kisses. and so, he sets up his seat and puts the wired earphones into the jack that his seat provides, carefully wearing them.
then, with the poster of before sunrise right there and its synopsis that he had skim readâhis promise to you rings in his mind, remembering your face before him. heeseung presses the play button.
synopsis:Â what will you do if youâve given a day toâmeet; interact; part waysâdance with your shadow?
genre: different for each member, mainly slice of life, fluff, and angst
based on: music hindiaâs âmenari dengan bayanganâ album (2019)
message from the moon: do remember that this is fiction and all the actions the idols do in these works do not reflect what they are in the real world. this is a non-priority anthology so all stories are standalone, wonât have any schedule for deadlines, and will be written on my availability! also, iâm implementing a system called early warning as a way to tell what warning(s) might show up in the individual work and will be changed accordinglyâŚ
not gonna lie, i was trying to cover this up as a way for me to recommend indonesian indie music cause iâm very reserved about my identity (putting only asian and legal) but f it GUE ORANG INDONESIA (read as âiâm indonesianâ) and iâm a proud southeast asian. iâm probably the only indonesian active in enhablr (especially a writer) cause other SEAsians i know that are active are the filipinos, but, hey nice to meet you! dan kalo lo org indo jg, hmu!
taglist? right here
album tracklist (english translation of the indonesian title)
track 1: evakuasi (evacuation)
âselamatkan diri, oh evakuasiâ
cast:Â sunoo â fem.reader (mostly a sunoo solo piece but mc will show up through flashbacks)
synopsis:Â itâs been one year since your death and it is the day sunoo has been preparing for a long time. lights off and the moon hiding behind her blanket, he lit up the candle to start the day, 24 hours to celebrate your life
genre: college/university au, high school au (in flashback), slice of life, fluff (in flashback), and angst
early warning(s): major character death, depressive episodes, mention of cyberbullying, mention of suicide, mention of self-harm
track 3: besok mungkin kita sampai (maybe weâll arrive tomorrow)
âkatakan pada dirimu, âbesok mungkin kita sampaiââ
cast:Â trainee!niki â seatmate!fem.reader
synopsis:Â graduation is such a melancholic concept, happy to finally be able to escape school, but sad that people will separate to their own road. it is no different for riki. on his graduation day, he spends one last day with his seatmate of three years before he pursues his career across the sea
genre: melancholia, hurt/comfort, coming of age, slice of life, trainee au, high school au, fluff, angst
warning(s): blood, some curse words, mention of bruises, pretty heavy life stuff even for a high school age
track 6: untuk apa / untuk apa? (for what / for what?)
âdan kau selalu bertanya, untuk apa?â
cast:Â barista!sunghoon â barista!fem.reader
synopsis:Â every day, sunghoon walked to the cafe he worked part-time. head-heavy and stressed from the workload, he started to get a mental breakdown as you observe from the kitchen
genre: college/university au, cafe au, slice of life, fluff, and angst
early warning(s): college (and life) existentialism
track 8: secukupnya (sufficiently)
âbersedihlah secukupnyaâ
cast:Â jake â guitarist!fem.reader
synopsis:Â jakeâs mind can only sustain so much, wandering the city like a lost boy in neverland. thatâs when he enters a music store one morning, hearing a wailing guitar at the corner of the store
genre: hurt/comfort, college/university au, college band au, slice of life, fluff, and angst
early warning(s): depressive episodes
track 11: membasuh (devote)
âbisakah kita tetap membasuhâ
cast:Â jay â fem.reader
synopsis:Â âhome is where the heart is.â a quote you always remind yourself of whenever you go home to your country from school. but, you canât reach home immediately when you choose a layover flight. thatâs when you meet jay, an international student who is on his way to school, whose plane is delayed.
genre: college/university au, international student au, slice of life, fluff, and angst, airport setting (is it just me or does anyone also like the feelings you get when youâre going to or at an airport?)
track 12: rumah ke rumah (house to house)
âpindah berkala, rumah ke rumahâ
cast:Â jungwon â fem.reader
synopsis:Â puppy love is common in people who are jungwonâs age, wanting to have someone that shares that intense feeling of romance. but, jungwon struggled more as he never got approved on a second date by the people that he went on first dates with. today is your first date with him.
genre: high school au, slice of life, fluff, and tiny bit of angst
track 15: evaluasi (evaluation) ⢠part of the deep end collab
âbilas muka, gosok gigi, evaluasiâ
cast:Â heeseung â fem.reader
synopsis: heeseung can finally breathe after finishing the final leg of his first-ever international tour. his manager gives him one day to explore london. thatâs when he meets you, a traveller from a room next to his
genre: slice of life, quarter-life crisis, hurt/comfort, slow burn, drama, romance, realistic fiction, musician au, tourist au, fluff, angst, set in the same universe as crossroads
inspired by: movie before sunrise (1995)
Š writingmochi on tumblr, 2021-2026. all rights reserved
synopsis: heeseung can finally breathe after finishing the final leg of his first-ever international tour. his manager gives him one day to explore london. thatâs when he meets you, a traveller from a room next to his
genre:Â slice of life, quarter-life crisis, hurt/comfort, slow burn, drama, romance, realistic fiction, musician au, tourist au, fluff, angst, set in the same universe as crossroads
based on: music hindia's "evaluasi" (2019) and movie before sunrise (1995)
word count: 37330 (37.3k)
warning(s): some curse words, mention of mental breakdown, pretty heavy life stuff like career talk, etc
message from the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life, including their thoughts and opinions.
also, addressing the elephant in the room: heeseung is actually a soloist now. this idea was made back in 2023 and i did get motivated by the many emotions from his departure to continue writing this and write this more as a closure to the whole ordeal. i hope this fic could also be one for you too...
evan and heeseung are used interchangeably !! this is also part of a collab "the deep end" which you can check out! the enhypen members exist and are not a group in this alternate universe (the end of crossroads implies that jay goes to NYU, jake goes to UNSW, sunghoon is a pro figure skater currently training in canada)! this fic will also be so dialogue-heavy so it's more tell than show (of course, inspired by the before trilogy as it's just jesse and celine talking for around two hours each time)
masterlist / soundtrack / moodboard
"THANK YOU, LONDON!"
the stage screens crawl from both sides as the sound of the fans cheering and screaming is muffled behind his in-ear monitors on both sides. eyes closed tight, his breathing slowed as he rose up from the deep bow he had givenâa near 90-degree angle. slowly, his eyes opened, and he smiled as widely as he could, feeling the breeze of the space coming from the venue towards him and grazing his skin. a spacious grin plastered on his face as he waved goodbye. his silhouette is still noticeable from the other side, as the volume of the cheers increases with his little movement. though blurry, he could see from the little crack in the moving machinery of the screen at the front of the stage, showing what happens as he doesn't stop waving his hand. the crack closes and darkness envelops him. the spotlight shines on no one before it dims.
heeseung can finally breathe out the breath he was holding back, relaxing the grip he is holding onto his handheld microphone as his hand unconsciously tremblesâpouring something out that he had kept inside of himself ever since the start of the world tour.
he did it.
he finished his concert in london. he finished the final leg of his tour, the tour that has taken him nearly to every region on earth.
when turning his head to the side as he carefully pulls out one of his in-ear buds, his breathing staggers as heeseung felt his feet becoming wobbly. all of the energy he didn't realise was depleted out of him is now felt as his lifted hand that was waving before slams down, the gravity pulling itâno more energy to hold it up any longer. his grip on the mic didn't let go, but he held his upper body upright as much as it could actually sustain him, knees buckling down to land him on the ground of the stage. but before he fully collapses, he drags himself a few steps down to the wing, where his manager, minhyun, stood by. the man notices heeseung's drowsy self, leaning in ways that don't resemble the person on stage a few minutes ago.
"hyungâŚ" he stammered, putting his hand on the older man's shoulders. sound of rummaging wakes him up as he watches the assistant managers and stylists now on each side of him as his manager hyung wraps his arm around the younger's shoulders. the staff brought him towards the chair at the wing of the stage, the very same chair that he sat hours prior whilst preparing to get on stage. the whirlling sound of portable fans hit his face as the cool air fights against his drowsy eyelids. the small cylinder of a straw poking at his parted lips as he captures it and suck the air and cold water; all of the sensations waking him up. smooth pats with a towel clean his sweaty skin as the boy can only let out a dumb smile when he sees his manager chuckle.
"you actually did it, kid!" heeseung felt minhyun shaking his shoulders before gripping one of his hands. the overwhelming happiness flowing out of that dumb smile slowly became a tear fest as he turned to his stylist, who was gently cleaning his makeup off his face, now wiping against the fallen tears that came out like a ruptured dam. heeseung's breathing now became sobs as the rush of happiness let the people around him see the joy that emits out of his sluggish figure. yet inside, that happiness slowly turns into despair. to want to go on the stage and greet his fans; to get the adrenaline rush once again. but just like minhyun said before and multiple times in the past, it can be an addiction. and by the state of where he is in right now, he knew his body couldn't handle it and he is one step closer to having a heart attack if he pushes his desire.
it's always been a dream of heeseung to do a world tour ever since he pursued music and he finally did it. from seoul to east asia, southeast asia, south asia, west asia, north america, south america, a few countries in africa, and the last leg, the european tour. heeseung had finally showcased the hours upon hours of practice he had done, the skills he had trained to the utmost level of his capability to the fans around the world. even if he only has a rest of a maximum of five days, including transport between the concert venues and countriesâwhich is a pain on its ownâbut he finally did it.
but the despair came as he realised that he didn't think far into the future. about what he will do after he finishes his worldwide tour as he goes home and does the encore back in seoul and then takes a deserved long rest. should he start writing the next song again? should he open his laptop to his workstation and scroll through his unfinished tracks to see if any of them have potential? should he push the label to try and contact producers and collaborators he would love to work with now? yet, as he thought about all of it in his mind, he didn't expect the emptiness that was surging through his vessels and nerves right to his very core.
what will happen now?
"the agency gave you a week to rest up before the encore concert in seoul," minhyun replied, seemingly reading his mind when he felt his voice brushing against one of his pierced ears. heeseung's eyes gaze around the stage as the crews move along to tidy up the place. peeking outside from between the stage rigs, he can see the fans also staying, taking as many photos as possible before they leave the venue. many still stayed behind as if they didn't want it to end. heeseung also doesn't want it to end because he doesn't know what he will do after it. but he knows one thing that is a routine he does when he is able.
"i have to soak myself," heeseung mumbles as he bites the straw between his lips. he clutches the water bottle as one of the assistants helps him to stand up and pull off the equipment on his body. then, they guide him to his green room so he could let the merch t-shirt he wore be packed and sent back along with the rest of the core crew.
"you definitely can when we arrive at the hotel, heeseung-ie. you deserve it," minhyun said as heeseung tiredly nodded, arriving in the room as he stepped behind the wooden partition that stood a little taller than him and he pulled off his stage clothes. sweat sticking and running down his skin as the muscles of his legs woke from the exhaustion since he had to dance and move around the stage. tugging on his casual oversized clothesâfrom torso to the toeâthe fabric feels so cool compared to the heated skin of his. brushing the clothes to get rid of the wrinkles, the boy steps out to grab the small towel from his postman's bag as he observes the dissipating crew that is tugging out the supplies. the stylist's sets of cosmetics and tools and the photographer's sets of lenses are all being escorted out, slowly making the room turn back into its default state.
his hair is ruffled from the sweat as he gazes at himself through the mirror, brushing the sweat away from his nape and around his jaw. the area under his eyes darkens from it looking sunken. the door closes as he is left alone in the room to gather his things. the microphone and in-ear monitor cases were already seated near his bag so he could pack them up. tidying his hair with his fingers to look more appropriate, he looked down to see the time on his phone when he found messages from his mom.
eomma
22.05 congratulations on your concert. i'm so proud of you, son
22.05 it's morning time here at home. we can't wait to greet you back tomorrow evening
22.06 go have a nice rest!
heeseung didn't realise the tremor that shows up from reading the messages. a smile cracking his face as he shakes it away, the emotions creating a turmoil in his being as he turns around and gathers his items and bag before leaving the room.
outside, minhyun stood by the door as heeseung gave a nod at him and the rest of the staff to go their merry ways. the footsteps from heeseung's walk echo within the white walls of the backstage area as he follows the green exit sign jutting down from the ceiling. thin smiles being given out left and right to in-house staffs that helped with his show, speeches of "thank you" and "have a good rest" being bounced around. he also walks past posters of previous performers that have held concerts here, from the likes of bob dylan to madonnaâa tug lifted the corner of his lips as his name will be plastered amongst them too.
stepping out of the interior, he arrives at the back area where trucks and vans gathered, similar-looking vans to be exact. it is one of his company's deals to set up similar vans so he can use it interchangably, all in a way to confuse the fans as to which van he is using. the main group of crew he brought from korea all entered the different vans.
sliding the door open, heeseung steps into the van with his manager behind him, sitting down in separate seats. he glances at minhyun, who is already writing down inside his thick planner that rested on top of his thigh. the older man gives him a small smile as heeseung fully settles, looking at the driver from the rear view mirror as he signals that the vehicle can move now. the way force works makes him brace himself against the van's cushioned seat. the tinted windows make the outside look like what he'll see with sunglasses on. fences barricade the path for the vans as he could see fans gather by, all looking towards the entourage of vans passing by with flashes being hindered by the tinted filter so they can't see inside the vansâone of which is his. yet, he could hear the known screams of the fans that he had heard from all the continents he had visited. every stop has its own distinction and it doesn't stop with the british fans, too.
but, deep down inside, he doesn't know if he's worthy of this kind of love and adoration at the same time. the fading sounds of exclamations are meters away from his moving vehicle as the entourage splits up in order to confuse the fans. as one of korea's current famous musicians, stalker fans are something of a consequence, especially with how large the fandom is. even he couldn't believe he could be as famous as his labelmate, tomorrow x together, when he sang a more distinct sound than what he called pop music. yet, he himself is the pop music, especially when it comes to domestic charts. people in korea know him, and that level of fame overwhelms him so much that he doesn't know if he can fully adapt to it or not, even if the growth is gradual.
the streets of london are painted with the bright lights of the streetlights and LED signs. he could see the famous red double-decker buses driving around, carrying passengers to their destination. the river thames is outlined with streetlights as he peeks out to see the big ben clock towerâone of the icons of londonâas he remembers how close his accommodation is to it. heeseung eyes his manager, who sits back in his seat whilst holding his headâhe remembers the older man complaining about how he could easily get dizzy on a moving vehicle when looking at his phone or something adjacent to that. admiration flowed from heeseung about his manager as he remembers his past, how his unsuccessful musician career made him change his path to do background work.
a vocalist himself, minhyun helped heeseung find the correct technique for the boy when he entered the label. he was a literal independent artist at that time, with no current backing at that time, before being asked to join his current label a couple of weeks after. after being taught the correct way for him to breathe whilst voicing out the note he intended from his voice box, heeseung finally understood how he could get rid of the headaches he got every time he finishes a song; never ready enough to continue to another song. minhyun, slowly and seemingly, becomes another brother figure to him, other than his older brother. a brother that is embraced in the flowing notes heeseung sings because of his teaching that he adapts into his own. he wished he could ask minhyun if he wants to sing for his song, but heeseung can see the trauma in the man's eyes every time he or other producers suggest it, something heeseung himself is also familiar with.
stepping out of the van, he sees one of the vans that is holding his other main crew stepping out. all of them flooding into the lobby and he gratefully couldn't see fans straying around the road. as much as he loves his fans, he also wants his privacy to be fulfilled.
minhyun steps in front of him as he mouthed to heeseung, "i'm going to go up first." the younger male nodded as he let his feet move at a slow pace, admiring the hotel he would be staying for one last night before he went back home. it is also a strategy of his company to put him in a hotel that is good enough, but not exactly too expensive or extravagant. many people aim for that kind of hotel if they wanna stalk him as "it is what he deserved", but he wanted to stay in a place a little more quaint than the most luxurious place can offer in each stop. it's why, even though he is placed in central london, his hotel is a few roads away from the main streets where he always sees people walking and shopping.
looking around the lobby area, he can hear the sound of footsteps on top of the marble tiles of the dim lobby of the hotel. the bellboys and staffs give him a small nod and a "good evening", palm wrapping around the strap of his bag as he steps into the space. his eyes wander on the hotel's interior for the first time since he arrived hereâjet lag and exhaustion causing him to quickly move and stay in his room to rest up as he couldn't be in an imperfect mode to perform his final show on the tour. heeseung's now sober, much more stable self can see a dark entrance to what must be a small bar owned by the hotel, screams of football fans watching a match from the screen as it is nearing completion with some of them wearing the jerseys of the team playing. he wished he could join them, to at least get in the mood that he is in london where the people are crazy over football, but the way the strains on his muscles react every time he moves screams at him to hurry up to return to his room and rest. and so, he did.
stepping onto the hallway of the lifts, he presses the up arrow as he listens to the hum of the moving gears behind the sliding door that is separating him from a deadly fall to the basement area. his eyes see himself in the blurry reflection of the door. the way his faded bleached light brown hair that is slowly resembling his own natural one is ruffled once again from how he tilts his body around during the van ride; admiring the view of london that he hasn't fully taken in. the corners of his mouth sliding down as he can feel the muscles of his face finally relaxes from how much he had to smile, hurting him in the process when forced too long. when the door slides open as he sees the glowing number and symbol on the screen on top of the door, he steps into the lift as he scans his room's keycard on the scanner before pressing his floor. yet, when the door almost closes, half of an arm slips in between them as the door's sensor reacts to the new passenger.
a girl enters the lift as she pulls out the keycard to her room, when heeseung then watches the eyebrows on her face lift when seeing the button already lit up: the same floor button he pressed before. her hanging pointer finger moves to press the close button as the lift doors follow its command, letting out a huge sigh as she stood next to heeseung. from the appearance, the girl seems to have been having a night out with the outfit she's wearing and the bag with its strap crossing her front. but when he sees through the reflection from the alloy on the lift's door, she is tilting her head downâhuffing her breath as it slows from the frantic breaths she was taking. her nails playing along and scratching her fingertips as he couldn't look away from the view.
the chime signals the lift door to be open as heeseung is met with the familiar wall and carpet combo that he recalls when arriving two nights ago. both he and the girl stepped out of the lift as they walked, the carpet muffling their footsteps. he thought he would separate from the girl as she was looking to the other hallway from the branching path from the lift, yet she turned to walk in front of him, ignoring him all this time, while heeseung trails behind her, eyes on the back of her head.
the girl seems to lead him to the way to his room as he lets his body follow her while also scanning the room numbers he went past. as he nears his, he strays away from the line she made towards his room, listening to the steps she made as he expected it to fade away farther down the hallway. yet, he was met with the sound of the beeping as he couldn't stop himself from turning his head, seeing the girl tilting the keycard down from the scanner before turning the handle, pushing the door as she entered the room. the room right beside his. heeseung shakes his head as he returns to his hotel room.
his temporary space is now cleaned up by the room service that had to do their job while he was rehearsing that morning. the light is dim, even the ambience could make him fall asleep. heeseung let his bare feet touch the carpeted floor before he eyes the connecting door in his room; the silhouette of the girl he met on the lift takes shape as he realises that the person he encounters is his next-door neighbour. the way she seems to cower more and more in the small space both of them share is fresh in his mind. yet, he knows he won't see her again tomorrow when he left.
opening the door to the bathroom, his first instance was to turn the bathtub tap open, adjusting it to a warm temperature that he likes. his skincare products were all put in a perfect line by the room service as he left them scattered around on the counterâhe didn't have any time to even gather them when minhyun pushed the doorbell to let him know that it was time to go. heeseung took care of himself first before shedding his outfit, feeling the stickiness from his skin reacting to the cold air from the ventilation of the bathroom. he rips open the bath salt he brought from home and pours it into the warm tub, warm enough to melt it down like grains of sugar in a teacup full of brewed tea.
slowly plunging in one of his feet, the boy lets out a deep sigh as the warmth encompasses him, gladly accepting him as he crouches down and lets his back meet the warm water. heeseung's head perfectly leans against the small curved cushion as he lets his dry hand pick up his wireless headphone, covering both of his ears as he scrolls through the music streaming app full of the playlists he curated himself. his thumb presses the play button of his smooth jazz playlist he made. the sound of the piano enters his ears, small in volume before it becomes bigger as the track continues. heeseung closes his eyes as he lets the jazz playing in his ears; he's glad he's an audiophile that invest in good headphones to hear such detail.
behind his closed eyelids, he could envision his dad beside him, sitting on the tiled floor outside of the tub in his childhood home, teaching this very technique of soaking after a long day. when he remembered his dad's face when he was younger, he couldn't believe what a splitting image his old man is to him, even when he has features of his momâhis brother taking most of mom's with a little bit of dad's. heeseung can see it now as he remembers what his dad looked like the last time he saw his family as a whole, wishing deep down that he could also be like that when he is older.
ever since heeseung lived in that home, the bathroom he shares with his brother also has a bathtub-shower combo that they have in the master bathroomâhis parents' en-suite bathroom. it was what they desired when they moved to seoul after planning for their renovation to accommodate at least four people. both of them became obsessed with soaking in a bathtub for their evening bath time after they went back from their honeymoon in japan. the boy recalled hearing dad talking about them having bathtubs everywhere, even though there are some half the size of the one he is inâsomething he had also seen when he visited japan for a schedule. his parents stayed at places near hot springs, and they went there nearly every day, taking in the culture as they brought it to their family.
"there's a reason why the japanese love onsen and sento so much. a soak at night can cure all the tiredness away, leaving you with a better, peaceful sleep."
that's what his dad told him as he asks, still playing around with the water and bubbles from soap in the tub when it splashes to little heeseung and even the old man himself. since then, he started to do the tradition his parents do, and he can feel the difference when he passes one day before soaking in warm mineral-scattered water. and now, even he has his own bathtub in his own apartment just for doing this every time he finishes a schedule and goes back home. the feeling of his muscles relaxing, his airway clearing out and unnecessary toxins from his body are also leaving. his figure relaxes more and more. and with the level of exhaustion he accumulated for the past days of travelling and walking around stages, belting out songs upon songs he had made and given for him to perfectly perform them, heeseung could actually fall into a deep and satisfying slumber he hadn't gotten in a while, even in that tub.
but something stopped him, making the water slosh around as he opens his lids as fast as he can.
the sound of muted rummages coming from the wall outside his bathroomârealising that he didn't close the door tightly as he was too preoccupied with quickly soaking his body. he could hear the muffled scream, then a thud from the door that separates his room from the other. the room where he watches the girl goes in.
heeseung doesn't want to assume much, but he knows that she entered the room aloneâhow would she enter an occupied room if she brought the keycard folder with her from even the slight glance he took at her. yet, the striking thing that he could hear from the tub he's in and the low-volumed jazz melody playing in his eardrum is faint sobs from the door. the door that the girl seemed to slam herself against. he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding as he viewed the door from the sliver slant of the opened bathroom door.
it's cathartic in a way. but he wanted to do that himself for a long while.
a small chime rings in his ear from the familiar alert from kakaotalk. picking up his phone, he could see the message from his manager who rested in the room across from him.
minhyun hyung-nim
22.57 our flight is at 8:20 tomorrow night
22.58 you have a whole day to explore london if you want. just make sure you're on your way to heathrow airport by sunset
-
the sound of the familiar alarm ringtone woke you up as you could feel the crusty moisture from your eyes. your neck is strained as your vision clears up, seeing where you are.
the floor of the carpeted hotel room you stayed in.
your limbs wobble as you try to push yourself up from the floor, eyeing the surface you lean against of the closed door connected to the neighbouring room. you drag yourself with your hand, crawling towards the bed that is still tidyâa dent in the mattress is the only reminder of you physically touching it as you see your belongings placed on top. climbing up to sit on your knees, you pulled the phone to you as you turned off the alarm, seeing it nearly died from battery shortage as you pushed yourself to stand up. walking towards your bag full of keychains, you eye the nearest socket whilst looking at the state of your room.
your backpack and suitcase are placed on top of the counter beside the wardrobe. the bag from the laundry room service of clothes you ordered came back. your laptop is placed on the desk as you see the charging cable of your phone near it. you eyed the clock at one side of the room, seeing the clear 06.05 shown with its analogue hands. but also, you can see a thrown pillow behind the chair by the desk. carefully stepping to pick it up, you see your melted makeup on top of the sheet, remembering what had happened last night.
the stickiness of the outfit you were in comes as you glimpse outside to view one of central london's streets from your window. the sheer curtain shielding you from the sudden sunlight that is slowly but surely crawling up the horizon. shaking your head, you took care of your belongings as you remembered the placements of your clothing. from the casual comfy to the comfy formal, dress, skirts, and shorts. your muscle memory remembers the placement for everything inside your suitcase, with its extra space and folded bags for souvenirs. a two-month trip you are prepared and you are ready for your next destination.
brushing your makeup-stained face, you could see how puffy your eyes are as trails of tears fell down your cheek. you let your hands massage your face as you wash it with the facewash you bought when you arrived in london. scrubbing all the suds away from your dirty skin, you couldn't keep the dam that holds your emotions from cracking, letting it show as a few drops of your tears fell down and being combined by the shower's water. the thoughts that were plaguing your mind before taking this trip came back as you let out a small, staggered sob. yet the warm shower brushes it away as fast as it could before it remains on your skin.
wearing a nice outfit that complements the look of summer transitioning to autumn, you style yourself with the skincare products that you almost ran out of, noting in your mind to buy them again in your next destination or here if you can. as you blow dry your hair, you pick up the journal that has been with you in this whole journey, seeing the list of places you hadn't finished seeing in london. you can't help but sigh that you don't know if you can fulfil it or not before you leave. picking it up, you brought it with you as you went to have breakfast.
the menu, once again, is the english breakfast you have now grown accustomed to ever since you're here. but from every part of the united kingdom you have travelled to, their definition of english breakfast is something different. some accomodate their infamous products of each region, like the ones you ate in cardiff. your phone is stacked on top of your journal as you move the utensils on the plate full of food. though your eyes can't help but look at the crowd gathering at one side of the room. the crowd that looks like they're travelling together, looking like they're there for a workshop or something. as you let the tea warm your body from the inside, you lean back as you think of the other things that you hadn't done before you have to check out. your suitcase is not finished yet as you almost forgot to pack your laptop in the backpack, your ipod is still slithering inside your messenger bag as you have to straighten the cord, and you still have to make your to-do list to buy, like your depleting soap and self-care products.
returning to your room and folding up the clothes in the way you learned from your mom, you latch the lock in the slot as you scramble the passcode. the stickers that you placed on the exterior nearly pulled off as you push it back to let them stick. the names of the cities that you have visited are placed all around the suitcase you call your own. yet, you eye the sticker of your hometown, of how far you have gotten to be here in your journey of travelling around the british isles. looking around the room as you check one last time for something you are missing, you tug your phone and your ipod into the pockets of your outerwear after plugging one of the wired earbuds to your ear, letting the sound of music entertain you as you're picking up the pieces of your luggage one by one. you look back at the room you stayed for the past four nights, and a smile appears on your face before it fades from the implication you had been facing in that last night. and you let the door close.
you're glad the lift is empty as you enter it to go down to the lobby. you still remember how last night you were hyperventilating quietly while in a small space with a man. the embarrassment that warms your body from last night's escapade that had gotten too rowdy, making you have to go back to the room as your only destination for comfort, to only be met with a piece of news that broke you. you eye the changing number on the screen on top as the ding makes you look forward, dragging the suitcase out of the lift. you're picking up the small keycard folder you were bringing as you approach the receptionist. however, your movement halts as you see the piles of suitcases by the side of the receptionist area. your mind brings you back to the crowd that you encounter when eating breakfast as you can see one of themâa man who wears a long-sleeved white shirt, cream-coloured work pants, and rounded, thick-framed glassesâholding onto a thick stack of keycards, the man looking around as if seeing if all of his crowd has finished gathering or not.
as you waited for him to finish gathering all of the keycards, you brought yourself to one of the seats there seamlesslyâas if you had done the same thing before. but this is the largest crowd you have encountered, making you believe that they're on a workshop from some office in the other cities. but when you observed more of the crowd that has gathered around you, you hear them using a language that is not the lingua franca of the UK.
foreigners, like yours truly.
you eye back on the suitcases when you see most of them have a sticker of the same flag.
a south korean flag.
you let yourself head count the people who are seemingly in the crowdâthose who gather by the suitcases as they conversed with each otherâand count them. widen eyes, you just realised that the suitcases are nearly double the amount of the people in the crowd, making you instinctively shake your head.
'why are there so many? is bringing so many suitcases actually worth it?'
"well, yeah⌠when you travel around a lot in a short time," someone replied, making you jump from your seat as you look beside you to find a man. his hair is light brown, like it is bleached instead of his natural hair colour. he wears a light grey tank top that is pretty loose, while also wearing a plaid-patterned shirt of the colour bluish grey and white. around his collar is a wireless headphone with a thick outer area. he also wears light blue jeans with a belt and a pair of brown boots. "but, i don't know much," he finished, shrugged shoulders, as you study his face.
the same man you encountered in the lift last night.
you remember his reflection as you see yours on those enclosed sliding doors, turning away so you don't keep the eye contact that you accidentally caught. you thought he wouldn't remember your face if you just stayed quiet, yet the close proximity of the space can't help but make you remember and him to you too. pretending to tilt away, you took another glance at the man as he leans forward, eyes on your suitcase standing upright by your leg: right between him and you.
"i almost thought that your suitcase was mine because i see stickers that i also have," he replied.
eyebrows raised, you turn to him, "you also collect stickers of places you went?" a chuckle bubbles from you, "i thought i was the only one because people usually just tape on random ones." you muttered the last sentence as you move your eyes to the suitcase.
"yes, well," his hand pushes up as if stopping himself, "i started from this round of the trip because it's my first time going on a trip this long to different countries. i hope that it can be a time capsule," he replied with the fluency of a native english speaker. yet you recognise the hint of wavering in his voice that you also know you have. you let out a chuckle as you continue, looking back at the sticker of a certain flag that most of those suitcases have.
"i haven't gone to south korea yet. so, this is definitely not yours."
"how'd you know i'm korean?" he asked as you raised your shoulders, jutting your chin towards the suitcases that you now know are part of his crowd. his small "oh" makes you let out a small snicker, quickly hiding it behind your lifted palm as he lets out a short, wide smile before replying.
"well, it's full of outfits i have worn for the past five? six months? that i went on tour," the man replied with a relaxed tone, making you turn your head as quick as you can when you caught on to what he was saying.
"on tour? wait? what's your name?"
to your surprise, the man lets out a big close-mouthed smile that makes his cheekbones pop; his pupils seem trembling as if he doesn't want to tell you who he is. the guilt starts to flower inside you as you understand the thought of celebrities and their desire to be private and blend in with the crowd, especially in such a setting as a hotel lobby.
"i'm heeseung." he replied as he let out a shrug.
heeseung. the name seems familiar to you. that's when flashes of images show up in your mind. posters being placed inside the tube stations when you go on the escalators and when you are transitting between different lines of the london underground. a big font of his name there with a black and white picture of him under the spotlight in front of a piano. the image of the man beside you, but with black hair, as you remember the words written at the bottom after the date. the o2 academy, brixton.
"you're the one who had a concert at the academy," you mumbled your thought before glancing to him, seeing him nod his head as the small smile he held stayedâseemingly making him more closed off than moments before. shoulders slacking even for a bit, you continue the conversation, "i actually saw your concert-goers on the tube when i went out yesterday. the hangul letters on the banners are making them stand out as they all are heading towards brixton."
"ah, really?" the man reply which you nodded. yet you see how his eyebrows furrowed and his lips separating, as if he's contemplating. wanting to ask you about something, but hasn't found the right words until he does.
"but⌠do you know who i am before i told you my name?" his eyes open wide as you see the glint in them change along with his posture. a bit more sturdy, chin held up a little higher, as if he is putting on a mask, but only half of it is fully on.
"well, genuinely, i don't know who you are before i saw those promotional posters. i also don't think that i've ever heard your song before. the info hasn't reached me yet, probablyâŚ" heeseung nods along with your answer as he seems to focus on the wired earphones you're wearing before landing on the pocket of your outerwear, where a silver rectangle is showing.
"no way." his small exclamation catches your attention as you revert your gaze back, "is that an ipod nano?"
"oh! this?" you pulled out your ipod from the pocket, seeing the sleek scroll wheel that has symbols on the play and pause. the small screen on the top displays the sade song that is playing in one of your buds. "yeah. a hand-me-down from my mom, actually. it used to be filled with her songs before she said yes when i asked if i could keep it. so i basically mod it to add a few new songs that i downloaded from the internet that i like."
the man looks down as you show the device to him. your thumb brushes against the wheel as you both can see the details of the song you are listening to: sade's "kiss of life". a small smile grew on his face before it widened. "it's been a long time since i saw this, especially since it was discontinued. you can make a profit out of it if you wanna sell it." heeseung replied and you jokingly roll your eyes at his words.
"how capitalistic your idea is." you giggled as heeseung then follows, leaning his head from the action. you eye how the flowy outer shirt bounces along with his giggling body as he can't help but cover his mouth to laugh. it dies down in a fade as you take a glance at him, finding him taking a glance at you too.
"are you going back?" he asked as he gestured towards your ensemble of luggage.
"no. i still have more places to go after this. my train's leaving at around 10 at night, so i have time to relax and visit places i still haven't gone to in london. you?" your face contort unconsciouslly, making you feel the pull from your eyebrows when you are talking about itâseemingly leaking the emotions inside you regarding this last day, the night before, and the reason why you are on this trip in the first place.
"i'm going back to seoul tonight and have a one-week-long rest before the encore concert back there," heeseung replied, a small pout on his lips as you also make one too, mirroring him like it is the most natural thing to do. you were having fun talking to him, even with these small talks. but even the fame status that you now know makes you undeserving of getting his attention. you're sure he has other things to do, like doing his other schedules and such. that's when one side of heeseung's is enveloped in shadow, making you face him as you see the man that was on the receptionist counter facing heeseungâseeing behind him that the counter is empty as the bellboys and staff are bringing out the suitcases out of the lobby.
you give the man a nod as you stand up from the cushioned seat before walking to the reception. as you let the receptionist behind the counter check you out of their system and help with the additional cost you acquired from your laundry, you turn your head around to see heeseung speaking with the man. the familiar sound of someone speaking in koreanâcredits to you watching k-dramas that your friend asks you to watch withâenters your ear as you notice heeseung's rapid change of expressions, from furrowed eyebrows that fade as you watch a sparkle forms in his eyes. just by seeing his face, you can guess that he must be a great lyricist who can describe facial expressions well. you imagine him seeing himself in the mirror as he jots down how his face contours into whatever medium he uses to write lyrics. yet, a melancholic smile seems to want to surface on your own visage as you couldn't get to know him better; knowing that he is in his own entourage that will be leaving the country tonight.
he doesn't look like a celebrity from this far angle, even though now you had an epiphany that you just interacted with a k-pop idol and he seems to enjoy it. but you realised how he seems to be much more relaxed when you tell him you don't know him or, you guess, his idol persona. you don't know if it's because of the constant hassle of being in stardom, but you acknowledge that celebrities are humans too and you definitely understand that they like to live their lives too. you also know a few acquaintances of yours who are in stardom, some become actors while others just become influencers, especially with social media becoming people's puppet masters. yet they also want their fair share of privacy to explore stuff without being followed by other people.
after you say a few "thank you" to the receptionist, the suitcase's wheels turn as you tuck back your passport and wallet inside the bag, strap sling on one of your shoulders, ready to head to push your luggage towards the doorâto make your last day in london a tad bit better as you want to forget everything that happened yesterday and also the night-
"wait!"
the voice calls out as you stop, hesitate if it's for you or not. then, you brace yourself as you turn around to see heeseung now a few steps closer to you. the man, now sitting at the seat you two were at, just gave you a nod before gesturing toward the figure standing up before you.
"i don't know your name yet," he said, even with a flat tone that makes you react in surprise. a celebrity wanting to know your name from a small banter? what an honour.
"my name is (y/n). and, uh, i think your crew is waiting for y-"
"let me justâŚ" heeseung cuts you off before taking a breath, "do you ever think⌠shit, this is going to sound so crazy," he exclaimed with an expletive in english, making your eyebrows scrunch at the unexpectedness.
"i want to talk with you more. i- i have a whole day before i go back home and as much as i love touring, i haven't had time to visit the cities i'm in. i went to rio, paris, new york city, jakarta, all those cities. but the only free time i have is between los angeles and here. i went to los angeles before, so i know the city, but i don't know london. and⌠wellâŚ" heeseung opens his hand to gesture towards you, a tight lip smile on his face.
"i was hoping you feel that," he uses his fingers to point between you and him, "connection between us."
your scrunched brows loosened as they now raised, jaw a little bit dropped as you try to articulate as best as you can with that direct drop from him, "i, uh, i did. yeah, i do feel it."
"great! so⌠um⌠this is my pitch to you, (y/n)," heeseung takes a step closer. you sense his hand brushes against your bag, "why don't i follow you around today and explore london with you? i think you know your way around and i, i want to explore the city. i don't know when will i ever go back here. but then the chance comes when you said you want to visit more places you haven't visited yet. and it is going to haunt me if i didn't ask you."
you nodded your head, yet by the looks of it, heeseung still doesn't believe you are in. and then, he starts to clap once with his hands as his facial expression changes to a look of excitementâon something that he thought about that will be enough to make you say yes.
"think about this." he leans ever closer, now you felt his hand brushing against your own, "you meet this famous musician in your trip in london and both you and him have this same habit on putting stickers on your suitcase. he stayed in the hotel room next to yours and he's inviting himself to join you walk around a city you're still getting to know. that's going to be a wild story to tell to your friends or even your children in the future," he proposes with a fluency you didn't expect, raving about this plan to entice you. yet, the way he monologues is making you feel a sense of deja vu. like you have seen this scene before somewhere in your life.
"are, are you-" giggles of disbelief bubbling up rapidly as you calm yourself down. the hand that brushed his formed into a fist to stay controlled, "are you before sunrise-ing me right now?"
"huh?" his face scrunches as your jaw drops.
"what?! you don't know before sunrise? the movie? oh my-" you shake your head still with open mouth, gulping down your speechlessness as you reply, "you're definitely doing the before sunrise thing to me."
"i don't understand what you mean." heeseung answers now with his own widen eyes and parted lips.
"okayâŚ" you take a deep breath before pushing it out. "before sunrise is this movie from the 90s about two tourists who decide to spend a night together in vienna. then they start to get to know each other and all that stuff. it's staring ethan hawke and julie delpy and it's such a good movie." you feel your face heating up as you are aware now of the implication of what this means between you and him.
he nodded at your explanation, expression changing as he put the dots on what he said to the movie you mentioned, "then yeah! i am before sunrise-ing you? even my english name is similar to ethan. it's evan, and that's a tmi by the way-"
"shut the fuck up!" you lightly push his shoulder as you can't help but fan yourself with your free hand. with your reaction, heeseung's smile makes his own eyes smile too as he laughed along with you. you rubbed your covered arms from the forming goosebumps, "technically, we're doing this like before sunset because you have to board your plane and such."
"well, my manager agrees that i can ride the train to heathrow airport at around sunset. and you say that your train is at around 10. so, we can hang out before midnight," heeseung replied, logically speaking, as you caught the implication again in his own words.
"what the- both of them are part of the before trilogy. before sunset and before midnight. what the heck is happening?" you mumble to yourself, nearly panicking as you just can't stop giggling in whatever situation you're in right now. he still has his smile on his face as you look away, embarrassed to know that he is seeing you as this blubbering mess.
"so�" the man said, tilting his head as he looked at you expectantly.
glancing back at him, you let out a wistful sigh before nodding, "yeah⌠yeah, okay! you can join me, but!" you give him a pointed finger push straight at him. he hums with rising tone in reply. "promise me you're gonna watch before sunrise when you're homeâŚ"
heeseung snickers and nods, "okay! but how about the rest? there are two more that you said-"
"just start with that first cause i also haven't seen the other two." your reply breaks more of the ice, making heeseung's smile widen again. you both then heard the sound of his manager talking towards the two of you.
"take care of him, please, and wear your mask," the manager said to the man before you in english. when he glanced behind at the older man, heeseung gave him a thumbs up before he picked up the mask from his bag, putting the strap behind his ears, so that you can only see his eyes and the bridge of his pointy nose. even with his face half covered, his eyes seem to be as expressive as you see them looking many ways around the room.
"it's for privacy reasons because i don't want my fans to catch me," he said, voice muffled behind the mask. then, instinctively, he grabs onto the handle of your suitcase as he wants to lessen your weight.
"your fans will not find anything about me anyway if they catch you with me. and since it is for privacy reasons, i shall call you evan then when referring to you." you let out a smirk, taking his little tmi into account.
"ok!" then, heeseung turns to give a wave to his staff members. but before he can take a step away, one of the female ones approaches him as she tugs his headphones to placed it inside his bag before brushing the wrinkles of his plaid shirt as best as she could. you watch in amusement before the female staff member turns to you with a warm smile.
"i'm doing my job," the female says to make you understand as you gave her a nod, observing the way that heeseung looks much tidier and relaxed without those headphones around his neck.
"my head stylist," he referred to the woman, bowing his head as you heard numerous phrases in korean towards him, before he pulls on the suitcase as the door of the hotel lobby automatically opens to be met by the pavement of a london street.
"the privilege, huh?" you exclaimed as you met heeseung's eyes, who is now turning to you. you now stand with him on the pavement as you look at the way towards the nearest tube station, "shall we go, ethan hawke?"
"don't tease me again, please. i promise i'm going to watch it," heeseung answered, with you chuckling to his reply. your figure stood now in front of him as you guide him down the concrete path, eyes already looking around at the turn at the end of the streetâwhere you have to cross to go to the station that you arrived at last night.
you give a glance at the man behind you before turning away to the road, still can't believe the turn of events you didn't even expect, yet welcome. maybe, with him with you, it can help alleviate the heaviness that is plaguing your heart.
-
"thank you so much." you then tucked the receipt into your wallet as you stepped away from the counter, taking a glimpse of the worker behind it as they tucked your suitcase and backpack away into the storage room with other bags of people that wanted to explore without luggage hindering them. as you adjust your messenger bag's strap, you face the person that is a few steps away. heeseung's eyes move around as he gazes at the interior of paddington station behind his mask, faint creases on his forehead formed when you step closer to him; as if he's waiting for someone to find him, or nervous if someone can identify who he is.
"evanâŚ" you called, committed to using his english name to call him so that people don't recognise him. because when you both took the tube ride to this station specificallyâafter he bought an oyster card of his own so that "i have physical evidence on going to london as well"âthe posters of his concert are still fixed along the walls of the many hallways. walls that thousands, maybe even millions, of people walk by, and theyâif they are attentive enough and he is not wearing a maskâcan put the two things together. the man whose namesake you have called turns his head to face you. his mask makes him a bit blend in because you catch some people who also wear them as well.
you both walk towards one of the signs that leads the way to the many platforms. a large screen showcases the names of the trains, their end destination, and the status of their timesâa gasp coming out of him when he saw so many of them and even some that are delayed. you now stand beside him as the end of his sleeves flail from the movement. a small drop of sweat trailing down the side of his face from the transition of the season in this very september.
"why did we choose paddington?" he finally broke the silence between the two of you, eyes peering at the name of the station right there as he looked back at the way towards the underground station where he arrived from, handling your suitcase as you carried your other two bags.
"i think it's a good waypoint for us. paddington is connected to the elizabeth tube line, where you can just ride the right train that will lead you to heathrow airport. it's also running a line towards the station for my train later," you answered with the knowledge that you gained from walking around london for the past few days. ingrained in your mind is the name of the lines that you often use, such as circle, picadilly, and northern. but you always still have your trusty navigation app to know if you are going westward or eastward between the london zones.
"wait, so your train doesn't go from paddington?" heeseung caught onto your words as you face him and shake your head from left to right on repeat, "then where does it go from?"
you let out a wistful sigh, "king's cross."
his face reacted in recognition, "the king's cross from harry potter?" and you nodded your head whilst watching him chuckle, eyes creasing from the realisation.
"we should go there if we can. i think i've seen a picture of the 9 3/4 sign-"
"hold on," your open palm stops him as you lean closer to him, "we should actually decide which area we want to go. and let's try not to go from one side to the other because london is big. and are you sure you can walk far? i imagined last night's concert took a toll on you." your hand folded in front of you, a small pout forming on your lips,
"took a toll on me?" he questioned, and you then realised that maybe there are some english idioms that he hadn't heard regularly.
"i mean, you must have been tired from last night too." you tried to word it out directly as he nodded before his hand reacting.
"don't worry. i had a good warm bath last night. so my muscles are fine, thank you." he also shows one thumb up to assure you as you answer with a smile growing on your face.
"well, honestly, most of the to-do list that i haven't gotten to are around west london. that's just my personal reason for picking this station as our starting point." your mind remembers the to-do list inside your travel journal. whilst you are here, you tried your best to cross the important ones off your list. though when it comes to food and drinks, you mostly improvise. it is the way of travelling that your parents have taught you: have a clear itinerary of places or areas you want to go, but also give room for you to explore there as you like. it's one of the reasons why the times you went to brick lane and camden town have been the most memorable ones in this city.
with your eyebrows raised, you continue, "but i'm going to help guide you as well. can you list the places that you want to visit? and i'm gonna add the ones that i think you would like to visit as well."
"okay, um," heeseung stops as he lifts his hand that has his fingers folded. that is when you watch as his eyes move to the corner, observing him think. with every finger unfolded one by one, he mentioned one place. "abbey road, king's cross, the royal palace, that bridge, nando'sâŚ" an open palm is showing to you as you take in the places he mentioned. most are the ones that you have visitedâexcept for abbey roadâas he talks once again, "i think that's it. and i do want to also try to relax more, going to cafes and such. no big ben tower, i went through that street many times."
"that's because our hotel is near westminster, soâŚ" you added to his information as your eyes do the same thing as he did, going to the corner of your sight as you think about the route that you are taking. the best route to show him london, but not only focusing on the touristy places, but also to actually travel within the city. his notion to you of wanting to relax makes you think that you may have to get something to eat and enjoy the scenery as well. even if he did reassure you that he is fine with walking around so much, you can only imagine how he still has stamina from going on tour and only has a true rest in los angeles. and you take into account that you both want to slow down, even if you move from place to place.
returning your gaze, you find him fixating on you with one eyebrow raised, waiting for your thoughts as you take a breath to be able to speak, "based on what you list, i think walking around from central to west london will be enough because we're gonna end it at paddington. we might have to kill some of our darlings, though."
"k-kill⌠our darlings?" the man said in hesitation as you actually had to slap yourself in the forehead. 'be direct, (y/n).'
"it means that we can't go to every place that you want to go. especially king's cross and tower bridge-"
"no, i meant london bridge," he cuts you off as you pause to take in what he said and bob your head because, yes, you also confused that london bridge is the one with the towers.
"the bridge with the towers is called tower bridge, not london bridge," you give two small pats on his upper arm, "sorry to break the illusion."
"really?" you let out a chuckle as he actually had to fish out his phone as he searched for the fact that you said and it gives you more time to think about locations from central london to west london that could accommodate both his and your wants. picadilly circus and oxford street might've been too crowded for his liking, but you remembered that there is a nando's around covent garden, so you can choose to go there. that means that you have to reach at least trafalgar square.
"oh, wow," heeseung exclaimed, cutting through your thought as he shows you the screen of his phone to find the bridge people assume as london bridge with the subtitle of tower bridge.
"told you soâŚ" you slyly wink as you look back at the clock that is scattered across the station. 10.27. then you turn back to heeseung as you speak, "i hope you still have an empty space in your stomach because we're gonna get brunch at nando's."
"oh, cool. ok," he said, mask muffling his enthusiasm as you take a step towards the tube station from the train platforms. heeseung walks close by to you, keeping up with your pace as you both weave through the sea of people. families with suitcases, mothers and their children doing their chores, and you two: two humans not local to this very place as you keep up with the pace of people. you learned so much that, even if you don't know your end destination, you have to walk with determination. or else, you might be perceived as vulnerable, especially with the many warnings people have said about how dangerous london is with its theft cases.
walking down the stairs towards the underground stations before you have to go past the farebox, you turn towards the board that tracks the many lines of london's underground, overground, and their other public transport options. one finger raised as you trace a line from paddington towards the nearest station to covent garden, seeing the small legend for trafalgar square as you mumbled, "charring cross⌠bakerloo⌠southeastbound." beside you, you felt heeseung's figure brushing yours lightly as you read the map that you have seen from the last few days. when you trace along the multiple different colored lines, it reminds you of every commuter and metro train that you have seen yourself use. you remember using them in new york city while going through manhattan and in tokyo as you tried to find your airbnb near shinjuku station. trains have always been your favourite mode of public transportâfaster enough than busesâand you have ridden a fair share of trains as you travel, either from city to city, or country to country, like what the eurail does when you ride from paris to amsterdam before.
listening to the mumbling of your voice as you spoke what you think, heeseung follows behind you as you pull out your oyster card from your outer's pocket. he already has his hold in his hand tucked inside the pocket as he pulls it out and taps it against the farebox. walking behind you lets him see the accessories adorning your bag. the dangling colourful keychains and pins make the brown messenger bag more standout. some of it looks too do-it-yourself rather than buying it and he could identify some of the references on those pins: movie posters, movie quotes, and some sort of dice that looks like it has more sides than the six-sided ones he knows. he lets himself walk in pace with you as you both stride down the winding hallway towards your platform.
the platform is barren as he gazes at the advertisement across where he is standing on the other side of the track. tiled walls surrounding him as he now has the time to look around the platform, which looks older than he thinks and how rounded it is.
"is that why it is called the tube?" you heard him ask beside you, his eyes looking around above the mask that covers his nose and mouth. heeseung turns his head to find your sight, tilting his head, "it looks like we are inside a tube because look at how perfect the circle of the tunnel isâŚ"
you smiled at his observation, realising that you are technically standing inside a cylinder under the soil of london's surface. you turn to look at where your train is going to come fromâlocating the circle outline that he had mentioned before. he also added, "it is dangerous. if you hadn't held me back when we were on our way here before the train arrived, i would've flown towards the end of the platform."
chuckles come from both of you. you remembered around one hour ago when you were both on your way towards paddington station. heeseung still standing near the edge as you hear the echoing sound of the incoming train. your hand instinctively pull him back with a force as he is startled by it. but it came at the right time because not even five seconds later, the train zooms past both of you as you hear the screech of it braking on the track. his bangs flung from the wind as you giggled from looking at his enlarged eyes.
"yeah, glad i could help," you say between your chuckles as you turn back towards himâhe is already facing youâmaking you raise your eyebrows before he then continues the conversation.
"it's not like that back in seoul, where you have this gate that covers from the top to the bottom. london's metro seemed so dangerous," heeseung continues as he extended his arm, gesturing to how the barrier scales in height as you can picture it inside your mind's theatre.
"i've been to japan and most of their metro has a half-wall style of barrier. but that's just what makes the london one unique because i remembered it's one of the oldest metro trains in the world," you answered back, finding him reacting with a nod. you then nudge his shoulder, "there's a reason why, if you focus on the announcement before the train arrives, they will tell you to 'mind the gap between the train and platform'."
you heard him scoff as he took a step closer to your side, your clothing brushing against each other. "does it mean that there are"âheeseung's hands show up once again and moving in front of him to gestureâ"bigger gaps between the train and the platform?"
looking at how his hands illustrate the gap that is slowly widening, you can't help but bit back your laughter as you continue to explain, "there are some that is wider because the platform is straight but the track is curved. so, imagine that. i guess." and as you utter your last few words, you hear the echoing chugging of the train as you both stood near the wall behind you. the train hastily passes you as you brace to hold onto gravity from not being flung, even if it hits heeseung's figure. the announcement calls out as you turn to face him, letting him hear the words as the 'mind the gap' part shows up, and he looks back at you with an amused face that you can only see from his pair of eyes.
stepping into the train, you both found a seat side by side as you walked to it one by one. the tube atmosphere is usually quiet, maybe only with whispers as the train closes and lurches forward down the line. your eyes wander against the advertisement inside the train carriage itself before trailing down to the little panel of the line that this train takes, eyes following from paddington to your stop at charring cross. passing through the likes of oxford street, which is more of a shopping-based location. the train running on its track does feel soothing, familiar. and it makes you close your eyes even for a bit. yet, every time you close them, you can't help but think of the sad reflection you caught of yourself. a reflection that still feels so fresh because it has occurred multiple times since before you started the trip.
before you realise that you are clueless on what to do next in your life.
the open and closing of the doors, combined with brushes against your clothed knee from people finding an open seat, make you open the lids as you peer at where the train is going next. turning slightly, you detect heeseung's eyes wandering around the carriage, but specifically looking at the names of the station like he is trying to remember them even though this is the last day he'll be in the city.
as you approach charring cross, you tap a few times on his knee and give a nod as you both walk towards the doors. being on a monday late in the morning does have its perks because not a lot of people are currently on the trains while they are doing activities in their school, office, and such. you lean against the pole of the seat as you face the door. eyes looking through the glass window as the train goes past the glimpse of the platform, slowly stopping as you already see people queueing up to get in. stepping out, you once again go to walk at the front as heeseung follows you. your hand picks up your phone to open the navigation map as you type the restaurant's name, seeing it being closer to the station instead of the covent garden area.
the bustling sound of central london greets you as you walk towards the exit, your phone already tucked inside your bag as you analyse the street that you are supposed to go, remembering the location of covent garden with the pinpoint of the nando's is plastered in your mind. you felt a brush against your hand as you glanced to find heeseung beside you. slowly, you walk beside him as close as possible, crossing the street until you are far enough from the crowd and find a free space to walk to.
you heard heeseung sigh as you two take steps in tandem, "the train was pretty small. the space wasn't as big as the seoul metro."
"i can imagine. it's a struggle to stand in the space where people sit because of how narrow the train is. i think you might like the elizabeth line. the train size is pretty similar to the one that tokyo metro uses."
"and that's the train that's going to bring me to the airport?" his voice continues to ring while you guide him to turn at the corner.
"correct!" you point towards him, a small smile growing on your face as you both continue. a meters away, you find the nando's logo placed in front of a building facade that looks older, making it blend in with the exterior of other buildings surrounding it. as you step towards the door, a host greets you as you say, "for two, please. also, can we get a corner seat?"
the host looked into their monitor and nodded, "right this way."
ever since you set foot in the british islesâwhere you landed in ireland firstâyou didn't realise how both the irish and british use the word 'please' a lot. how they seemed to be more polite in talking to people. even when you are in cardiff, you hear a fair share of older women calling you 'love' when they are attending to their business from bakeries to cafes. but more in a nurturing type of call, like how a parent calls their male child, 'son'. it feels very awkward at first, but you're slowly thawing yourself for it. even though you felt like you didn't really deserve being called that way...
walking towards the corner of the dim-lit room, the host gave you both menus on the table and reminded you to call them when ready to order. heeseung slightly bowsâan instinctual habit with how he stopped from going too far.
"i think it'll be better if i sit facing the open space while you sit facing the wall. so people won't recognise you," you uttered the suggestion, remembering his concern as he reacted with an agreeable nod. heeseung then settles into his seat, bag placed beside yours on your cushioned booth seat, and he pulls off the straps of his mask. even with parts of his visage obscured, you sense your breath being taken away. his bleached bangs covered his forehead with only a small sliver of his skin showing. the bridge of his nose looks smooth as it trails to his pouty lips. heeseung leans his head back to sit straight, finally letting you see him fully in front of youâwhile he also sees you clearly for the first time.
"um," you clear your throat before gesturing to the menu, "feel free to take a look and let me know if you are ready." and heeseung answered by picking up the menu to look through it. whilst skimming through yours, your hand reaches to pick up your travel journal from your bag and open it to the bookmarked latest page of today's date. thinking back on the previous hours before right now, you found a good sentence to start today's entry with.
today, i am walking around london with a korean musician (real life before sunrise?)
the words glide easily out of you as you already start to create spaces after the two paragraphs you've written separately: spaces to put stickers or cut-off parts of brochures and receipts you find. your sight alternates between the two printed media in front of you before you glance back at heeseung to find him already staring back at you. his eyes are on your open journal as you look back to the menuâconfirming your order that you enjoyed from the last timeâbefore you raised your arm to ask for an order.
as you gaze at the host who is leaving after taking care of your meal order, you turn your eyes back to the man in front of you and say, "you ordered the spicy rice."
"i think i just missed eating rice," and with his answer, giggles are coming from your gaped lips as heeseung continues, "like really. i've eaten so much bread that i need a flavour reset for myself."
"well, good for you then," you nodded, hands now resting on the table. your journal is closed and sitting on the space at your side of the table. written in it is a lingering question that has been going on inside your mind of this person in front of you: a celebrity, in the simplest way to identify it.
"this is something that's gonna be nagging in my mind. and if i don't ask, it's just going to haunt me."
"hmm?" heeseung reacted. his hands are also resting on the table. the outer shirt looks more baggy as the cloth flings around with his movement, draping over his forearms as you return your vision to his face. his forehead already wrinkly, expecting your next words.
"how is it going with being a k-pop idol?" the question flew out of you so easily that he couldn't help but let out a chuckle and nod, like he already was expecting this very question to be asked. especially now with the opportunity showing itself.
"you're going straight to it, huh?" he bit a little part of his bottom lip.
"i mean, i have to. you're a literal world-class celebrity-"
"i am⌠notâŚ" even with the pause, the last word he uttered sounded stern. both of his hands joined with each other as he tugged a little bit of his sleeves to interlock his fingers togetherâa soothing gesture you recognised.
"well, i am curious. i can just ask the internet about your life journey, your songs, your career. maybe even more." head leaning forward to his, your voice now lowered in volume, "but since i have the real deal sitting across from me," your open palm gestures to him, "i could hear a more unbiased? biased? story about yourself." you uttered, even questioning yourself about the information that you're going to get from him.
but he appreciated you for still looking enthusiastic to know about him, even with that halt in his cadence. you're maybe one of the first people to actually be able to separate his life from his job because he has a life beyond his career.
well, heeseung couldn't encapsulate his life and career in his young adult life into a concise manner like what his fans did in a wiki forum or how a journalist summarises his ideology with just a 10-minute interview. so, if you are implying to tell him about the whole ups and downs of his career without any bias, he had to dig into the joyful and painful memories he has had.
being called a k-pop idol was not something heeseung expected to be labelled as. in his own memories, he sees his fingers playing across the piano keys when he was younger, the crowds he was nervous to perform at first to do the chopsticks waltz during an elementary school talent day event when he was around second grade. ever since that performance, he knew music was something that was going to be crucial to his life. he learned guitar afterwards and he was being called a musical prodigy at schoolâperforming on stage to the crowds of students he walked by in the hallways. by the time he was in the second year of high school, he was called to sign up for a small music label. and when it comes to a smaller labelâwhere he is among the first artists they signedâhe had to work twice as hard to prove himself worthy.
heeseung still remembers those early days when he was a senior in high school, from juggling both studying and going to events to gain his exposure, and it was such a stressful time. heeseung still remembers every street he had to busk in and every school he was invited to performâeven a performance in one of the prestigious high schools in korea a few years back, when he unexpectedly became a part of the same line-up as his current labelmate, tomorrow x together. at those days, he was somewhat of an up-and-coming indie star who had a song that went viral within the smaller music communities with the likes of parannoul and hanroro.
what he liked about his old agency was that they gave him musical freedom to explore any genre he wanted. his early songs mostly sounded like the songs he heard when he was youngerâjazz, ballad, rhythm and blues, a bit of alternative rock influence. but then his agency went into bankruptcy, and he had no place to call home.
that's until minhyun found him and took him under his wing.
heeseung knew of minhyun before. he remembered seeing the music shows on tv where he appeared with his group on stage. he even remembers his other schoolmates dancing to one of minhyun's group's songs in the same talent show he performed in the later years of elementary school. when minhyun told him about his story during one of the times they met to help train heeseung's voiceâwhy he decided to retire as an idol to help manage other musiciansâheeseung couldn't help but reflect on what his journey has been and the opportunities being given to him. but when minhyun suggests to him to come sign with bighit under his wing, heeseung faces a dilemma that he hadn't calculated until that very moment: to be a musician or an idol.
idol seems to be such a faraway concept for even heeseung, who has his liking in music. he does have his fair share of favourite songs from k-pop idols, and he has role models in some of them, especially singer-songwriters. when he was brought into the meeting room to discuss his future in bighit, he remembered one of the executives said that they can help him be like iu or if he wants to go for a hip-hop/r&b route, like crush or loco. all of them are artists that he admired and he has songs that can be made into those specific elements in his vault. but he knows that there's going to be more limitations than the ones he had when he was an artist in his old, independent label, the one that had more work and responsibilities to do. but, deep down, heeseung understands that he wants to spread his art, tell stories, and become a role model to others like those he had with the other artists in the industry.
so he signed the paper that changed his life. literally change his space and time. music show gigs, collaborations with artists he doesn't know he could do, doing concerts internationally, magazine shoots, a few scattered sponsorships here and there, a few fashion shows during fashion week, and here he is now. just in a nando's in central london waiting for his brunch to be served, with you hearing his story being told from his very lips.
"so⌠being an idol, to me, is a complex job to have. my responsibilities are more than just making people listen to my music. i have to be an influencer, a model, an actor, a community manager for my fans, all at the same time." he takes a pause to breath, not realising just how exasperated he had been while telling you the history of his career. "i've been through the idol system even though it's mostly for my dancing skills and the end result was satisfaction for me. but it comes with the stipulations, such as right now, where if i open my mask, i could be recognised immediately in some place." he lets his eyes meet yours, the sleeve of his shirt rolled a bit up now as he feels how his forearms are hard from the tense muscles coming from how his hands are formed in fists. that is when the host arrives once again to serve you your meal and drinks.
the steaming plates full of peri peri chicken sat between the two of you as you eyed yours with your complimentary mashed potato, while heeseung has his spicy rice. a bottle of the peri peri sauce sits there as you gaze at the medium level label you both choose to pick. heeseung picked up his utensils as he cut his chicken, brushing the piece against the sauce on his plate before placing it on his tongue. even though it tasted different from the usual korean fried chicken with gochujang, it tasted fresh.
"hmm!" he hums in satisfaction, picking up the rice grains with his fork and eating them. bobbing his head, he reacted to the spicier food that he had missed throughout the tour. eyes watching from you as you can't stop the smile urging to show.
"it's good, right?" you ask whilst also slicing down your own chicken.
he hums melodically, "i don't regret choosing this out of any other place to eat!"
you chuckled at his reaction as you both chow down on your meal. the taste buds of his explodes with the flavour. a bit more pepper-y and tangy than he expected, but he welcomed it. in every country that he had visited for the tour, their catering usually caters to the country's cuisine or even their version of korean food. some are good, but others are average to say the least. however, he doesn't have time to actually explore what the locals eat in those cities. and, even if nando's is a big chain scattered across the UK, he believes that it's a good representation to actually try to get so he can blend with the locals.
heeseung didn't realise just how much he enjoyed it when he saw that he finished his plate before you are done, drinking down the refreshing lemonade as he gazed back at the potato wedges he could see himself eating when he calmed himself down. the little clinks and clanks of your cutlery across from him continue as you sometimes lift your head up and catch his sight, your jaw chewing down on the food as you give him a small smile before resuming. and when he saw that you were nearly done with your food, you then asked him a profound question.
"so⌠do you see yourself as an idol now, knowing your history?"
his eyebrows moved unconsciously, raised up as he felt his forehead wrinkling. a loaded question that has been buried inside of himself after nearly four years of an idol career. something that he has also been contemplating every time he gazes at the mirror and sees his own reflection after taking a bath at the end of the day.
"i think," heeseung started to blink rapidly, "as much as that's what people told me, like the management or even the producers i work with, i," hesitance shows up as if the word that is resting on the tip of his tongue will change everything. even so, he has been thinking about it for the longest time. how his idol career brings him to many places that he once thought were impossible. the level of fame that could actually move people. yet, the constantly moving variables make him have to move at a rapid pace to catch himself up to everyone. going on an international tour after a successful release that involves global producers. people that his company helps to reach out to, or they reach out to his team first. moving in a way so that he couldn't lose relevancy.
that's the word: relevance.
when he was a budding independent musician, he didn't even think about relevance much. he focused more on legacy instead, of seeing his progression from a kid who likes music; who thinks that even if it is a viable option, it has a bigger risk. to then become a fully fledged musician. ever since he got into bighit, relevance becomes a keyword that is mostly implied in the presentation of discussing his future releases. "he has to keep up," "this is the current trending sound in the charts," "we have to capture the market quick." then, in comes the producers. heeseung has always been more of a self-producer, but he has met producers who see his vision. yet, he also has to make compromises when some of his own produced songs aren't picked and, instead, he is given a song produced by someone else.
"i- no, i don't think so." his answer started with a realisation before his confidence grew, "i think there is a distinction between idols and musicians. even if there are brand promotions like sponsorships that idols have, they are usually very⌠picky? is that the right word? for when it actually connects with my brand."
"you mean, the brands are carefully curated for you?"
a sound of a quick finger snap echoes between the two of you as he pointed to you, "yes! that's what i meant. it has to match up with my image, as the marketing people said."
"and what is this image you're talking about?" you wipe your lips with a napkin, something that makes him notice just how pretty they are.
"it, it's a self-producing idol image. that because i write songs and make them, it would make it more interestingâŚ" he voiced out the sentence that he remembered plastered in the presentation when he first enter bighit. about his re-debut to becoming a self-producing idol soloist, kind of similar to iu, with the sound of mostly r&b and pop. where the company allows him to be involved in the creation of his release, but also emphasises collaboration so that he can keep up with the industry. it's why in his recent album, he had multiple features scattered throughout the tracklistâcreating this mutual symbiosis where his feature can get his fans' attention and vice versa.
a few more minutes pass as you continue to eat and he now reaches for the potato wedge, feeling the growing agitation in talking about this whilst you are collecting your thoughts about what he explained. something heeseung had been avoiding, but now, with you, something that he actually has to face.
"so," your plate is now empty as you place your glass on the table, "you have an image of an self-producing idol. but you are one before, based on what you said to me. i know this felt probing, but- i just, when i think about what you said before." your tongue swiped against your lips, wetting them up, "the difference between an idol and a musician and you having been both of them in your career. yet you still say you aren't one. i can't help but think that the idol side is overshadowing the musician side."
heeseung doesn't stop himself from nodding to your words, helping to articulate the numerous connected threads, "because you have this⌠drive to create music. yet, because your company wants to make you relevant, it means that you are going to gigs to make you stay relevant when your main job is to create music and be an influence in it. i just can't help but see that there is a sacrifice that you have to make. i don't know what it is, though, because that is something that only you can answerâŚ"
your words ended with chuckles as you take another chug of your drink, letting the liquid hydrate you as he just watches it happening before him. yet, his mind is somewhere else.
the screams of the people who were watching him for the past few months. the reflection of their phone camera refracted from the hot lights shining on him and the stage. the way that he felt very hyped in every performance. the dopamine that becomes adrenaline for him to keep going, but also how after every concert, his body is nearing shut down until one of his staffs get to him first. the songs that he sang are a combination of his own produced songs and the ones the company picked for him, yet the latter dominate the set list. him singing other people's words that his fans think are his ownâwith the writing credits that include him even if he only changes one line of the lyrics. and now, what happens after everything?
how can heeseung top this tour? this album, which he had thought about as the most commercialised album he had done in his current career. the taste of success and fameâcoming from years of hard workâis delicious. however, heeseung realises that he can overdose on it. he had seen a few fellow idols living the way he is living. even those who have more scheduled activities per year, which makes them appear in nearly everything, and how they try their best to be as lively as possible. one sad day can be a detriment to one's career when you have eyes on you for almost all the time. and the realisation hits heeseung not with a bang, but with a crawling spark. small but unravels into something that answers multiple questions that he had been thinking about one by one.
"don't worry," heeseung's mind reverts back to focus on you, a solemn smile appears on your face, "i⌠have felt it tooâŚ"
a pregnant pause occurs between the two of you as you both process your reply. you let out a thin smile, eyes beholding him before moving away a few seconds later to raise your hand as you asked for the bill. heeseung sits across from you, replaying what you said as the abstract thought of this revelation slowly solidifies and finds a place in his mind.
that he had been unsatisfied with his career. how saturated it has become, where everyone focuses more on profit and relevance. how he had sacrificed his artistic freedom for fame, which can actually kill people directly or indirectly. that the future of his career is a blank page as he couldn't see even the slight sketches of his future beyond the encore concert back home to close out the tour and the album promotion. that, even with the weight of his songwriting notebook settling into the very bag he brought today, he knows that he isn't able to curate his own list of songs to include in the next release because of the influence of his management higher-ups. how he missed the charm of busking and being on a smaller, intimate stage that lets him see every person's reaction. how he wants to hear the mellower, experimental songs from his collection being played once again.
heeseung didn't realise that fame had consumed him until now.
as he steps out behind you outside of the nando's entrance, his hand reaches for the mask that he wore before, unconsciously put into his jean pocket when you both stepped away from the table. yet, when he knew he had to pull it out and cover his face, he just didn't want to. the boy gazes at the people walking in front of him; more people are alone, but there are also groups, such as couples and families. and yet, they don't notice him. even with his complexion as a korean man, he can still blend in with the multiculturalism that london introduces to him. and even if people see him indifferently, they just don't care and think that he is a traveller.
the presence radiates beside him as he turned to find you already looking at him. your pointer fingers circling around your own mouth, jaw, and noseâasking about his mask. and heeseung shakes his head instantly, "no need," he mouthed. if people only see him as a traveller, then let him be a traveller and enjoy the air without it being covered by the mask. because he is a person first, before he is a celebrity.
-
the walk to the next destination only takes five minutes. the street that he follows slowly widens, specks of people becoming a crowd as he sees some parked vehicles in front of brick buildings. his height doesn't really make him look that out of placeâmaking him blend more into the locals who stride with a destination in mind. you are walking in front of him, guiding him through the sea of people as you both then walk across one of the crowded pedestrian areas. his view opens to a large area where a monument stands. statues hanging around down there as he views a grand staircase and a fountain after it. on his right side: a regal-looking building where many people are coming in and out of, some are holding the yellow paper bag with "national gallery" written on it.
"trafalgar squareâŚ" you mumbled, slowing your movement to walk right beside him. heeseung gazes at the people scattered about on the plaza. the road full of cars, black-colored taxis, some lime-colored bicycles, and red double-decker buses. then, he felt a small hold on his finger as you gently pulled him away from the half wall near the stairs.
"behind you is the national gallery," you gestured to the regal-looking building that he saw, "with many paintings there, even including a monet. but what i want to show you is here." you gesture your hand back to the monument as heeseung's eyes enlarged. behind it is a long straight road, and at the end of it, he saw the famous clock tower that he had gone past in the van.
"big benâŚ" he spoke without thought.
"big ben is actually the name of the bell. a mistake that i also believed until someone told me so." your voice flows as you both face the visual composition of the buildings and skyline. he felt something warm hitting the side of his head. however, as he turned to face you, your gaze turned to look at the view. a slight breeze blowing onto your face as a few strands of your hair flutter. following you to stare back at the visual, it's when he realised that he is actually in london. many times in the cities that he had visited, he couldn't see their signature landmark while taking in the location. his stop in los angeles only lets him go to the restaurants to eat with his crew, no other exploring in the sense that he wanted to also visit hollywood. and so, he grabbed his phone to take a picture of the very scene, imprinting it into his memory as he couldn't help but take a deep breath.
like the last moment when you gaze at him taking in the viewâbefore he catches onto you as you move your head perfectlyâyou return to look at him, watching his hand holding the phone slowly go down, observing how the breeze of wind also gently caresses his skin and hair strands. how the certain tension on his forehead dissipates as heeseung closed his eyes and took a breather. your head tilts a little bit back, gazing at the clouds covering most of the sky, taking in the charm that is the gloominess of london as everyone seemed to be happy when they feel the sun beaming down on them. even with its saturated, vibrant colour, it creates depth that tells stories of what it is before you stand. of how it blends with the old style of regality.
glancing back to see his eyes now wide open, you finally say, "so we're going to buckingham palace after this, and we have two ways there, evan." once again, you raise your hand to point towards the roads connected from this large crossing. "that way leads us straight to the mall, as the locals call it. it's the road where royal parades usually go through. orâŚ" you point to the pavement by the national gallery, "we can go there and do a small detour through the west end before we go down the mall to the palace. your choice."
yet, even when he is viewing you explaining the ways towards your next destination, he notices a little quirk on the corner of your lips when you mention "west end."
"let's go to the west end then. so that we have more things to look at," with his answer, the quirk you adorned widened into a smile as you nodded; already moving as a signal for him to move along. both of your steps try to keep pace with each other as you weave around some people. heeseung's sight is on you, whose eyes are looking towards the building by the square, a slight frown forming on your visage.
"i'm sorry that we couldn't explore the gallery. time is literally our enemy right now," you remarked as he shook his head.
"that's alright. we might waste our time there instead," your head nods to his answer as you both walk down. some of the people there walk in groups, others who are alone weave through the crowd as you both try to walk near the edge so people can walk past you.
"what is the west end?" his question slips out instantly.
"it's this whole area, including covent garden that we were at, then it goes until picadilly circus, oxford street, and more." you push your right hand to the right to show the area you are mentioning. "it's the place in central london where people usually shop, especially tourists. picadilly circus has this large billboard snaking around buildings there. kind of like what shibuya crossing has in tokyo, but shorter and wider."
heeseung's eyes were already on you as you turned your head to him.n one of your hands is holding onto your bag strap as you step to lean closer to him, a smile on your face, "though, i usually associate west end as the place of plays and musicals."
his footsteps follow you as you stop at the pedestrian crossing of a three-way junction, scooting a bit to the side so you are standing by the crossing area. your hand comes to pull him closer to you, gazing at the building down the street as he shifts, squinting to see clearly what you're trying to show.
"see there?" you asked him as he followed your gaze. a crowd of people standing in front of a building that has dark signs and banners with some whites and reds. a familiar illustration that he had seen before, as he had gone past the theatres in seoul that had the same imagery.
"that's where they're showing phantom of the opera. such a cool showâŚ" you seemingly mumbling to yourself as you turn to see the crossing's light turn green. quickly, you reacted and pulled heeseung with you, jogging down the street as you arrived on the other side. the boy can't help but feel the warm touch from the part you hold on to him. standing beside him once again, you both continue to walk down the pavement to your destination.
"did you watch it? phantom of the opera?" the question shows up easily for him as he can't help but think back at the way your eyes sparkle from seeing the banner outside the building.
"guilty and more, actually." a chuckle naturally came out of you, "i think i spend many of my nights here watching plays and musicals. a musical to end the day, something like that. i watched five of them here."
"and how long are you here for?"
you giggled at his follow-up. "eight days, including when i arrived here in the afternoon."
the grey pavement stops as you gesture to heeseung to cross another road, before he then finds another set of stairs going down. both of your figure focusing to walk down the stairs as he gazes at the statue of peopleâmaybe knights, maybe kingsâbefore him. he looks up at the monuments as he takes in the view of the subject being suspended in action, before continuing down towards the path again where people are walking. to the road that you might refer to as the mall.
"and out of those five shows, which one is your favourite?"
"well⌠um," he watches how you bit your bottom lip, "i have two favourites, actually. they're phantom of the opera and hadestown." you then took a long breath before continuing to speak, "i just⌠can't help but notice how good the stage looks. hadestown has this evolving type of staging where the view of it widens around the end of act 1. it plays along with the lighting so well too, especially when orpheus was walking back in the dark, not knowing if eurydice is still there."
heeseung watches you continue to ramble, a slight smirk formed on his face, "and phantom of the opera. gosh, it is so good. the theatre didn't change much of the facade, but it does make you feel like you are in a literal opera house. the story tells of an opera within a musical, so they have many in-depth backgrounds because you are watching someone on stage acting like they are directing someone on stage. and, i swear, the chandelier! the freaking chandelier-"
you take another breather as he can't help the small giggles coming out of him, "so phantom has this chandelier that is a stage prop and actually hangs on to the ceiling because we are introduced to it as it slowly hangs at the beginning of the musical. the phantom, of course, haunts the theatre. so some strange happenings are going on as we also follow the main character named christine literally 'pay with her soul' to be good at singing operas. so let me tell you- imagine this."
your hands start to gesture all over in front of you, trying to illustrate your memory as best as you could. "i'm sitting at the front area called the stalls, where i can see the stage and all clearly. then, during the first act, the opera house is falling apart because the phantom overhears christine with another guy, raoul, and he gets angry. so, the chandelier drops! it actually fucking drops! i've heard that people say that it drops. but it genuinely drops so close to people that i can feel the wind of the swing above my head as it swings to the stage, it's justâŚ" stutters coming out of you as you don't even care how ridiculous you look in front of him, "it's such a good design and shock factor, and it is connected to the story. it is so cool!"
"it seems to me that you enjoy musicals with a cool production design. i have come across some of it before when i recorded music videos," heeseung speaks, taking in your reaction but also adding his own take on it. he remembers the reminders and direction of his music video directors and of the set that he shot at, and you seem to enjoy talking about it more rather than the music in the musical itself.
yet, your answer says something that feels unsure.
"i do- yeah," the smile on your face slowly dropping down as he noticed it at the right time, "i do enjoy itâŚ"
in an instant, awkwardness permeates around both of you as you continue walking down the path, crossing one road before the greenery takes over one side of your sight. heeseung's eyes face forwardâgetting rid of the tension seemingly bubblingâas he can see what looks to be another monument in front of a building, seemingly isolated beside two parks with high walls and fences around it. the building is still pretty far from where you are as the two of you are walking down the path there. heightened serenity exists between the two of you; nevertheless, heeseung can't help but think that he spoke wrong about the production design subject, as he felt his heart drop when your smile fades away.
a few minutes later, after a few more steps down the beautifully laid pavement, he breaks the ice once again, "why are you visiting london?"
a scoff came out as your lips broaden, wiping your hands to the side of your figure as a soothing gesture. nibbling on your lips of how ridiculous the answer is, you shake your head as you try your best to not only tell him, but hopefully make it so funny that it subdued the memory that had given you a throbbing pain before you actually take that flight away from home. "let's just say that i was conceived hereâŚ"
"what?!" his reaction comes out as he nearly stumbles before regaining his footing towards you. you affirmed your head, a slight part of your lower lip bitten to hold back your smile that eventually fails.
"my parents went to london for their honeymoon. i'm following their footsteps, but also added something more," your body is coming closer to his as you walk side by side. your digits brush a little bit of his outer shirt. "i'm travelling along the british isles. went to ireland and wales, and now i'm in london."
"where are you going next?" heeseung spoke. a hum came out of you.
"edinburgh. i'm travelling to scotland first before going down to the rest of england. then, i'll go back to london and that's when i'll be going home," you answer. the itinerary that you made, recheck, and memorised in your mind showing up as you can see the names of the cities and towns you're going to stop by. the ones that you've visited are already crossed out in the journal, the words in your mind flicker as you go down the memorised list.
heeseung stares at you, taking in your visage, "how long are you going to travel?"
"well," your head, all lifted with a chin up, now tilts down as you said, "until december. i've been starting since mid-august, landing in dublin first, then going around the island before going to this island from belfast. so yeah, five months, give or take."
his eyebrows are raised as he acknowledges with nods. five months is nearly as long as his own tour. he has been on a worldwide tour since last year. multiple countries, multiple continents, all to perform the songs he had released. he did went home a couple of times, having a rest for christmas and seollal with a one-week window time before and after to record new music or do meetings. he actually didn't realise that by the time he finishes his encore concert back in seoul, it is already near chuseokâapproaching one year of an international tour.
time seemed to fly so fast for him. but he didn't realise the scope of what he was doing until he had your schedule to compare to. now realising that the tension that is evident in his body is a result of the stress of going around in one year, having to perform nearly every three nights. and now, heeseung can't help but feel a seething sensation to know that you are travelling within the UK and irelandâin one areaâfor almost half of his touring time. where in those months, he didn't even have the time to explore the cities he visited.
and now, with your footsteps moving in tandem, you both stroll to view the building and statue getting bigger. you stand on the wide pavement beside a small park as you let heeseung gaze upon the palace before him. he views the statue that encompasses many more statues. specks of people are across the street to where there is a barricaded area from the statue to the gate of the buckingham palace. from this, you can see some people are lifting their hands, holding their devices to capture this very moment. heeseung did it too as he tugs his phone out to take a pictureâanother piece of evidence of him actually being in london.
steps taken slowly, you now stand beside him near the black fence that protects pedestrians from zooming cars, vans, and bikes. the clicking sound of him taking a picture with his phone camera becomes a constant until it fades. your eyes gaze back at the palace view that you saw beforeâthough you came from the other side as you arrived from the st. james park's tube station. even if it is blurry, you can see the signature red garment worn by the guards that protect the palace and the royals, along with staffs walking around inside the grounds.
"i think i remembered hearing that south korea was once also a monarchyâŚ"
heeseung's attention reverts back to you as he lowers his phone, taking in the view of the place before him with no obstructions, "we do. all of korea. even in seoul, there are castles, parts of defensive walls that blend in with roads and parks. there's joseon, there's silla, there are many more."
"all of koreaâŚ" you mumbled, lips moving as you think, "i would love to visit it. and since you've said 'all of korea', i remembered that all korean men have to serve the militaryâŚ" he raised his eyebrows because of your knowledge. "have you done it?"
heeseung shakes his head, a 'no'. "okay, is it becauseâŚ" you reply, return your gaze back at the guards draped in red for a few seconds before going back to him, "are you afraid?"
in his ripe age of 25, he had a fair share of people all around him that has done their mandatory service. his manager, minhyun, worked as a social service agentâtelling the younger of his experience doing military training, but also training with others. he heard stories from his brother and father too, whenever they had a family gathering. questions coming out of him such as: if he wanted to enlist, which one should he go to, which camp should he enlist in, and more.
heeseung remembers reading about the grade system and how the evaluation tells him if or where he should enlist. he doesn't really call himself athletic. sure, he likes basketball and all, and he had also done stamina training to last a long time on stage. but the thought of being on active duty, working with other soldiers, creating camaraderie to defend the country he calls home, scared him years ago. it's why he had been delaying to serve even though his brother served early before he turned 28.
the tales coming from the people in his life who experience it are not all black and white. minhyun mentioned how he became more appreciative of the people around him after helping them as his job. some people look much more muscular, more dignified, and a side of heeseung wanted to have that. he has always been jokingly called a lanky, even when he was in school. and that's why he puts his career first before the military, in a way for him to prepare himself career-wise, but also financially. something that he had to learn ever since he became an adult.
"i used to. but, i think i'll be okay," a small smile formed on his visage, eyes glancing to meet yours.
"i genuinely have to say this before i forget, evan. your english is so goodâŚ" you can't help but compliment.
"thank you. i, i think i did well. i mean i went to a language high school and also went to canada for a short course in middle school," he couldn't stop himself from chuckling.
"really? did you also go by evan there?"
"i have too. people there can mispronounce and misspell my korean name. i believe a lot of east asians do that so people can say their name easier," he blinks, remembering himself with rectangular-shaped glasses going to school in toronto for that one summer.
"shame on them, actually. why should you lot have to conform to them, even making up a new name that is more familiar with their languageâŚ" a huge sigh came out of you.
a scoff of surprise came out from the boy while he blinked rapidly; because he thought about it before. "besides," he gazed back at you, a sheepish smile on your face when you cut off his thoughts, "i think heeseung's a good name. evan suits you, and heeseung suits you more."
and with that, heeseung senses how his heart is pitter-pattering against his ribcage.
-
heeseung gazes at the greenery before him, some already losing their colour to brown as autumn is slowly coming. a cup of iced caffe latte in his hand as he peers at the back of your head, one step a bit forward from him. the little crunches against the dirt path enters his ear as he lets himself take in the park that he entered.
walking from the palace, he had asked you about what you had been doing in the city; little excerpts of episodes of your journey for more than a week here. you also add that even if you have never been to korea, you know things about it coming from your online friend that you met for the first time here. "she's a korean who went to oxford studying classics and oriental studies, from what i remembered. she actually is doing an internship at the victoria and albert museum. she was the one that i watched a shakespeare play with. because of her, i know a bit about ancient korea."
"that's awesome."
"yeah, she has a boyfriend who is graduating this year in new york city. so she was excited to visit him because she told me that the last time they met face-to-face was in paris," you said as you both carefully crossed the street. the structure of an arch stood before you as you walked past it towards hyde park.
his gaze moves to your own cold drink in your hand as he strides a bit longer to keep up with you. the wind blows against both of your outerwear as the sun shines above both of you behind the glimmers of clouds in the blue sky. bicycles went past both of you as he calculated how wide the path is. some areas are decorated with shrubs and trees. but behind it, a large grass patch with intersections of walking paths. right now, you two aren't going there as he follows you. tugging himself back into a comfortable position, he felt his sweat forming and being dried by his flannel shirt. heeseung can't help but look back at your keychains and pins and also at your enthusiasm about the plays and musicals you watched. he theorises that you were also an enjoyer of artsâadding another talking point that he can ask you about.
pigeons are flocking around and about the large pathway and also the path on his right. benches are placed meters away from each other as he sees you moving diagonally to the path connecting to where the benches are. approaching it, he can finally see the large body of water in the middle of this park. people are riding around in little paddle boats, floating along with swans, geese, and ducks. one bench sits a mother and her toddler sitting on her lap, eating his little porridge food that his mother is feeding him. on the other bench, a swarm of birds sit around a guy who is eating a sandwich, his eyes carefully looking at the avians as one of them hops close to him. the ringing of a bicycle bell turns heeseung's head to them as he watched two cyclist going in tandem. he felt the condensation of the cold drink in his hand as you finally walked to the side and settled down on the bench that sits across the body of water.
placing your bag and drink down, he sees you pulling off your outer layer as you let your skin breathe. a sigh comes naturally out of you as heeseung does the sameâputting his bag alongside his drink down and pulling his flannel off. his sleeveless shirt lets the sun shine against the colour of his skin as he ties his outer around his waist whilst looking at you, who is putting yours in your bag.
"no matter how thin it is, i thought it would be colder since it's september. but i guess not," your comments earn giggles from him as he nodded. the ray falls on you as he watches how you close your eyes and take a breath. the clouds are separating as the sun pierces down onto the ground, making the temperature balanced after the cloudy sky that he had walked under since the start of his day. tugging his bag to the side of the bench, he sits directly beside you. your hands are resting on your lap, placed with your fingertips above each other. a slight breeze blows against the strands of hair in front of your face as he stares. his lips unconsciously move; nerves coursing through his body, making him react.
and as you open your eyes, focus coming back to you from the ducks who are swimming on the pond across from you, you turn your head and meet your sight with heeseung's. a smile growing on your face as it stops before going too wide, and he mimics yours with his own flavour. you scoff at his expression and suppress more of your smile as you lean back against the bench.
"the beatles weren't wrong when they made a song about the sun coming," heeseung chuckles at your statement as he also does the sameâslouching against the backrest of his seat. the edge of your figures brushes against each other's as he sees a sliver of the rustling leaves above him from the breeze. the ambient sound becomes music in his ears as he can't help but form chords in his head coming from his perfect pitchâsomething that is pretty hard to ignore considering that making and performing music is his job.
shifting his head to your side, he then mumbles, "you met your friend who went to the university of oxford hereâŚ"
"yeah..?" you turn yours to find his.
"do you also went to university?"
the constant tap against your thigh stops as he watches how your eyes tilt downward. he can sense how your aura changes in real time. shaking your head, you bite your bottom lip for a few seconds too long before you finally say, "i did. but⌠yeahâŚ"
"but?"
you sighed, "i actually graduated earlier this year. about a year late from a regular graduating schedule because i feel dissatisfied with the major i'm in and when i wanted to change, it was too lateâŚ" your lips are still apart, like you wanted to say something more. but no words came out.
"what did you study?" heeseung says, wanting to help guide you.
"marketing. when it was around the end of my second year, i realised that the major is wholly different from what i thought it would be. besidesâŚ" your eyes flick back to him, "a marketing student without a social media presence feels illegal." a chuckle came out of you, "what about you?"
"oh, well," he blows out his breath as he thinks back about the online classes he had to take. even the ones that he does hours away from the korean timezone, "i'm doing a bachelor's course through an online university, studying broadcast and entertainment."
"i thought you'd be doing music," a small smile adorned your face. he can feel himself nodding because that's the right course of study when he is a legit musician.
"that's the only relatable course to my work because i also study entertainment management." he rubbed his hands against each other. "though, i do want to get a master's. i can probably take a master's for that or music business. i, i really want to study in an offline university, but my job says otherwise." at the mention of you doing universityâeven if it's one year lateâhe could imagine walking around campus, meeting like-minded people and all. yet, you give him back a solemn smile.
"i can say that it's not for everyone." you then do another breathing cycle. "being a marketing major means that you are surrounded by ambitious people. people that wants to be bosses in their field, finance bros and sis who think that they are better than anyone else. it feels like a turn-off to compete with them academically. and that's why i just⌠finish and get a degree."
you pull yourself up from slouching, hands now crossed in front of your torso with the palms soothing the skin that they met, "but i'm glad that i found some motivation when i joined clubs. though it did make me realise just how wrong of a major i picked that i am already doing a pivot even before my professional career starts."
"what do you like then?" heeseung's voice glides to your hearing. your eyebrows scrunched in reaction, looking at your crossed arms, then to him.
"crafts." head turned slightly towards him, "it seems that i'm a complete of you because i dislike being in the spotlight. that's why i work backstage or behind the scene, but specifically the production design and props." clearing your throat, you then pull your bag to your lap as you gently hold onto the keychains while showing off your bag's accesories. "i made all of these by myself. started it when i decided to take uni slowly instead of following other people's pace⌠marketing doesn't really go in depth into the production of it as it focuses more on how to sell the product."
you lifted one of the keychains that he had seen: the die with so many sides. the strap of it is made to look like a vine or ivy. "this is a 20-sided die keychain i made. me and a few friends from the film and theatre clubs i joined play dungeons and dragons. so i made this for them all. i also helped the game master in prepping things. custom dice, custom miniature, custom terrainâŚ"
as he listened to your current topic that lifted a smile on your face, heeseung thought back to your conversation about the musical you'd watched at the west end. how you seemed to make comments more about the staging, the appearance and direction of the show rather than the song or the actors performing. unlike what most people seem to gravitate towards. something that not most people would talk about as they are focused more on the spectacle of it all; the gravitas of the play and the drama that the characters went through overall. yet, you commented about how the chandelier in phantom of the opera like a character itself and how you can feel it falling on top of you.
"are you taking your trip only for⌠that?"
the keychain drops as you return your bag beside you and shake your head. "travelling does help in thinking on what to make next. but i travel because i want to self-reset, thinking about home from somewhere far can change anything. trying to find new experiences because i feel like i'm lacking. it's-" your hand forms a grip on top of your thigh. "something that i got, got make fun of. yet, when i try to blend in, there is still a barrier." your hands move to gesture, open palm facing each other yet not touching. "this barrier i cannot break. so i try to do it indenpendently, getting rid of my presence online and only have a select number of people i contact with from my parents, my close friends from the club, and to the korean girl i met online who now is my friend."
the hands now touch, then move to rub each other, which is more like a gesture of warming yourself instead of soothing yourself. heeseung glanced at your eyes, seeing a shine in them that didn't form more into tears. it combines with how you seem to find a perfect rhythm to calm yourself down. then, you look back at him, speaking with such steadiness that he can only see a little bit of your trembling lips after you exhale. a glint showing in your eyes, "that's why i'm not afraid to be seen with you. it's hard for people to find me anyway."
a smile etched on your face as he gazes. yet, he heard the muffled cries in his memory with his jazz songs playing in the background: of you in your hotel room. his eyebrows became furrowed from hearing it alongside the smallest thuds that he could catch from the barrier separating both of your rooms. with the little information you can tell him, heeseung might be able to piece together the big picture of what happened that night. yet, he still didn't find the flint that created the fire for you to wail in the night against the locked connecting door between the two of you.
trailing his eyes back down, he caught a glimpse of the ends of your wired earbuds peeking out from your pocket. he then reached for his bag to find his wireless headphones, remembering the first few sentences you said to him at the hotel lobby as he revealed who he is.
blinking away the emotion that almost spilt out of you, you felt something move against your arm. looking down, a hand pushed out with a dangling headphone adorned with stickers, nudging it toward yours. moving to the owner of the hand, heeseung has his eyebrows raised before leaning his head.
"you said you haven't heard my songs. i'll introduce them to you in their best quality."
you reply with your own raised eyebrow, peering at the equipment before you gently pick it up and put it on, adjusting the ear cups so that the cushion settles comfortably. heeseung let out a smirk, observing you wearing his headphones that are already connected to his phone. he opens the final intended folder without the compression that is expected from hearing it from a streaming service and presses the first file.
piano chords found their way to your eardrums as the sound expanded and you heard the man beside you sing. his voice was bright, airy, with a twitch of intonation that made it like it was trying to springboard up from the ground. the song continues as you can hear the raspiness in heeseung's singing voice, much different from the low-toned voice he uses in speaking. your head moved back at the high note he sings, guitar strings playing in arpeggio at the bottom. a smile threatening to show as you see him watching you with such an expectant smile.
one of his songs sounded like it came from the 2000s r&b scene and it made you surprised at how he is seemingly semi-rapping. your smile spills as you try to hold back by biting your bottom lip. heeseung already has his smile widen whilst watching you let go and bop your head to the rhythm. his voice sounded sexier here as you can imagine him smirking whilst singing into the microphone, even though you don't understand his mother tongue and only hear a glimpse of the english words there. another song then plays with another piano melody, now much brighter, before his voice is backânow a little more coyâas you don't stop yourself from moving your head in rhythm with the song. heeseung looked down at his phone to see which track you are listening to. seeing the minutes and seconds and the little leaking sound from the headphones, his body moved in tandem as his muscle memory moved to the choreography of the song, hands and upper body moving as your eyes widen because of his gestures. giggles filter out both of you as you then continue listening to the next track and the next.
as the last track finishes, you turn to him, peering your eyes all over him to read his body language. a breath hitch, you take in his songs and nod, now knowing what he meant when you heard him tell you of his career and the music he created now.
"and that's from your last album?" you confirmed, a pointer finger pointing at the headphones.
"yes, they are. any comments?" his arms open, "i'm okay with any, even negative ones."
"if you're sure⌠umm", you unconsciously lick your lip. the wind grazes now from behind you as it blows a few strands of your hair. his hand is itching to brush it away as he then heard you hum before you speak, "i like the mixing. it sounds nice with your voice because," you pointed towards him, "i didn't know that you have such a versatile range."
"thank you," heeseung bowed his head, already anticipating more comments as both of your eyes met once again.
"i do think that the tracks feel short. maybe some of them feel incomplete. i don't know if you're the one who is meddling with it, but because you said that your agency gives you a producer, it may come from them?" your head slanted, the headphone touching your shoulder as he takes in your comment. heeseung couldn't stop himself to think back at the comments and reviews of his latest release that other people have written, remembering much of the same keywords. 'feels too short,' 'incomplete structure,' 'it can be more.' but your comment after it did struck him. that even if he is the producer that has the highest stake on this project, he couldn't release anything without the approval of the higher up of his label.
your eyes blinked for a bit more as you watched him take in the comment, seeing his eyebrows subconsciously, showing you his reaction as you find the right timing to call for him. "evan?"
"heeseung," he corrected, eyes moving back to meet yours.
swallowing down your saliva, you asked, "can i listen to your old songs? the ones you made from your old label?"
the man's sight went back to his phone, seeing the reflection of himself in the black mirror. he expected it when he remembered what he told you. and so, his thumb gently presses the display to light the phone's screen up, and he scrolls to find the list of songs he made back thenâthe ones that are forgotten because his label couldn't promote them alongside the one he has now, even if all of the copyright and royalty of those tracks are owned by heeseung. his sight returns to you, focusing on your face as he presses the play button without looking at it. and in an instant: your face twitches with the reaction.
lips slightly pouting as he read your expression that is full of surprise, knowing that the song he chose is drastically different from the one played before. much slower, ballad-y; ethereal. seconds pass as your head moves in synchrony, making him look down as he sees the title of the song he wrote that focuses more on guitar chords in reverb. your gaze looks back at him, and he watches them gazing down his sitting body as your head moves into a slow, yet rhythmic bopping.
it continues with a few more tracks as he reads your reaction. other than the producers, engineers, staff, and fans all around him, heeseung had never seen an unbiased person reacting to his song. someone that doesn't have a stake in his revenue and a blank check with a recognition bias towards him. he nodded his head alongside you when you pointed to the cup again multiple times while mouthing, "you have a female vocalist too?"
"one of my old labelmates before it went bankrupt. she is now in a band," he mouthed back as you continue hearing. heeseung only catches the way your lips and mouth react as the tracks play one by one. you were biting your tongue as your head danced with the rhythm, mind somewhere else as he heard the leaking sound of a distorted guitar partâmaking him let out a small smile.
when it is done, as he looked at the phone to see the rundown run out, you actually let out a long exhale and slant yourself against the backrest. hands gently pulling the headphones of your head, you turn towards him with an agape mouth, his headphones resting on your lap as you shake your head. "i⌠i hear the influence of those tracks in the latest ones you made. i just think that it is more diverse in these ones, though."
"really?"
"yes, really. you-" you then bite your bottom lip, stopping yourself from grinning. yet the corner of your lips has already risen. "i didn't expect those sounds playing from the music you create now. from the soul to alternative rock, it is so different to the easy-listening r&b tracks in your new release."
softly, you lifted the handphone and handed it to him. and as your fingers brushed his, a gasp came out from both of you as he stare at his belonging and then at youâto find that you had this tinge in your eyes that contrasted with what you told him.
"you can tell me," he encouraged, staring back at you with a much looser dynamic. yet, from the way the tip of your tongue brushes against your lip, an animosity is evident in what you're about to say.
"it seemsâŚ" your eyes move to one corner of your vision, flickering as you think of the right word until you find it. "that these older tracks are livelier? like it has more soul in it. more of you in a way. i mean⌠i don't know you that much, but⌠it's much more you. it encompasses you more."
heeseung's nose flares as he feels the belief that he thought about previouslyâabout his career, his creationâcoursing through his veins. yet, he finds himself still defending against comments that he knew were truer words. "it's probably because i'm the main everything in those tracks, while the ones now are collaborations with more people than my regular team members."
you hummed to his reply as he tried not to let it show to you just how affected your words are fueling his doubt. doubt about what to do next after the encore concert. doubt if his current company will give him more freedom like the one he had compared with beforeâto let him experiment back into the roots, extrapolate the branch to see the evolution of not only his music style, but also himself as a musician and as an audiophile. listening to jazz again makes him discover and explore other artists and genres beyond the r&b label he is assigned with, especially international artists such as aphex twin or sigur rĂłs. and deep down in his heart, he wants to be able to experiment like them.
"what do you wanna make next if you have full control instead?"
"jazz," he instantly uttered, "full on jazz. a combination of big band and slow jazz. yet, it also has to have its traditional pop element, which i don't mind." heeseung shakes his head at the thought, "but it's not a thing i can do at my current situation."
"how many years do you have in your contract?" you spoke, body fully facing him as your arm rested on the backrest of the bench.
"one year left. i signed a five-year contract, and i'm now in my fourth year. and i-" the doubt flows heavily to the front of his mind, lace against his tongue as he gnaw on his cheek of what to say after. "i think i've reached my peak."
your facial expression expands at his last words. eyes wandering once again to read him. and you blink slowly and shake your head, "no." you started small. then he felt how your hand on the bench's backrest approaches his own on his lap, brushing but not fully holding as he watches how the hand hesitate, pausing for a few seconds longer before retracting. but before fully retracting, his hand flew and grabbed your hand with his. not the small grip you did to pull him along so he didn't get lost: a full, deep grip with your palms facing each other, fingers automatically move to interlock with each other as you just then realised what is happening.
"why are you saying that?" heeseung's voice starts slow.
"because you still have potential to do more. hearing you say that makes it seem that you want to give up on your music career. but i do think that even if this one chapter ended, you still have more to offer. more to live. and if experimenting is the way for you to thrive. then do it, no matter how scary it gets." your tongue wets a small part of your lip as you raise your drink and consume it. the figure before you taking in your words as he waited, both of your fingers still tangling with each other. a strand of your hair flew against your face as you brought your drink down, eyes not meeting his as he felt your fingers twitch.
"i'm experiencing it myself. to try things before it's too late. even if my marketing degree is something that i sometimes regret, i know that i still have time to do something else. even if it gives you new challenges that you must try to overcome yourself. maybe with the help of your support system." your connected hand gently moves as you talk, letting the boy feel how your gestures also speak to him. his eyes follow your lips that are changing their shape with every word, speaking with experience that you've done. but when he reverts his gaze back to your eyes, he could see a crack forming in it with the way you're thinking about it. the crack of the eye of the person who is crying that night in the hotel room. that when you said you speak with experience, you actually are, and he can sense that that experience also hurts you like his own hurts him.
that's when heeseung unconsciously gives a tight squeeze in that grip. a squeeze of assurance that he understands what you're saying, even if it is vague.
-
the sky seemingly turns brighter as the sun shines at both of you as you stand by the path, one of your earbuds dangling beside you as you give back heeseung's phone, letting him see the many pictures of his candid self. both of you now without your outerwears as you let your skin take in the afternoon sun. his giggles caught you abruptly, phone screen pushed towards you as he shows the pictures you caught.
"i like this one so much," he shows it to you. a blurry picture of him in front of the green trees and bushes that would not be there in a couple of weeks with the autumn season fully come upon the place. a wide grin on his face as you remember his laughter by making him follow your guide, pressing the capture button as much as you can. seeing that picture specifically makes a smile grow on you, of carelessness in his figure. the hesitation and doubt that has been plastered on his face since you both talked at the nando's back in covent garden is gone in the image. even if you have met and get to know each other for the past hours, you now realise that he is not what he seemed. that beyond his level of fameâhis face that is plastered along the hallways in the tubeâheeseung is still a creative through and through, more than a celebrity.
and that he is also caught in his own crossroads, like you are too.
you both then continue walking side by side, sensing a tug as you watch him place the dangling earbud to his own ear, letting him hear the sound of the whimsigothic song that is playing. both of your pinky fingers were brushing against each other as you both walked down the path. there's an open field on your right as you observe people having picnics there with their blankets laid out and lunch boxes scattered around. there's a few university-aged girls seemingly running around and taking their own photoshoots in the rare sunny day in london. it makes you unconsciously hold onto his pinky finger before you let go when you realiseâand heeseung seemed to realise too.
"i- sorry," he called out, and you shook your head.
"no! i'm sorry. i-"
"i'm genuinely sorry because i forgot to ask you back in the hotel. before we," he lets out a smile that is now as loose as the picture you took, "you know, we hold hands and such. um," both of you then slowed your steps, not wanting to even stop when you both realised just how limited your time isâhe mentioned the hour back at the bench across the serpentine where ducks and geese swim about.
"are you⌠dating someone?" the questionâeven if you expected itâfeels so unfamiliar.
"i'm not. i'm single now. well, i have been for more than five years or so. i had a boyfriend back in high school where we dated for, like, a year until our last year and we broke up as we both separated to different paths." you think back of the guy that you dated, a seemingly lucky scenario of you who is merely an average jane in your high school to attracted one of the best athletes in your year because you both were seatmates. but you still remember being ridiculed because of it, of how sometimes he limits you to hang out with your friends. that breaking up before finals and graduating is the clear choice as you don't want his ego to tie you down. however, the ridicule did grow something within you. things that you didn't think about then, now have moved to the forefront when you hear people talking about your relationship, insecurities that made you step back more and focus on one thing: creating away as a tool to take your mind somewhere.
"it's more like the saying," you glance at him, "about focusing on loving yourself first before you love other people. i think that's what i'm doing right now. well, it always has been my journey since the end of high school." your glance then meets heeseung's eyes, tilting your head to him as you both still walk in tandem. his gaze has something that you have only seen in actors when they are acting in a romance film. something you couldn't describe in words, but made you feel more of your hammering heart on a sliver of his feelings for you.
'but surely it's not that, right?'
"i'm also single because of my job and hectic schedule. i do know that people have crushes on me, both publicly with the fans but also privately with some other idols and staff members. it's just thatâŚ" heeseung unconsciously brushes his bangs away, letting a ray of the sun shine on his light brown locks. "i didn't look like this at school, and i believe that, even if you are good-looking, what makes people attracted to you is the impression that you have. but i want people to see the things beneath that impression that can be interesting, so that they don't see me only as someone handsome."
your eyebrows scrunched at his word, a hand holding onto the wires gently so that it doesn't get tangled when you both are trying to keep up with each other. "i think that thought shows up from that time in middle school where i liked one of the popular girls. a type of teenage love that she didn't reciprocate. well, i was not the good-looking guy at that time. still having a bowl cut, playing a bunch of games, while also learning piano. and i'm still that same boy, just grown up." the man meets his eyes to you once again. "so that's why i still feel weirded out with the idea of people liking me. desiring me is probably the more correct word to use."
nods come naturally for you as you imagine the description of a younger heeseung. the bowl cut hair sticking onto his head from the sweat of the school day. his face does not look as mature as today; his face is a bit softer still, with his large, beautiful nose. you can't help but chuckle at the image as he talks to the image of a popular girl in school who came into your mind. how innocent it feels, but also how the rejection helps him grow into himself years later.
"that could make a good topic for a song, you know?" you replied, nudging his arm as he let out laughter.
"i think i've written lyrics inspired by that, even if it isn't openly inspired," he answered. both of your pinky fingers are still brushing against each other until one swing of your movement makes your own hook with his. but instead of pulling away, now with a clear status that each of you had, you felt heeseung's pinky curl further in. now connected not only from the sound of the song that you both are hearing together, but also on the pulse that flows through your connected fingers: the pulse that is getting more and more prominent.
you both walk side by side as you arrive at the marble arch underground station. now being the right time to let go as you both have to be seperated to pass the fare box and the escalatorâ"we blend in by doing what the locals do," you remember reminding him when you both first rode to paddington station. as you arrive at the platform, you are full-on continuing to talk to him about letterboxd and how you have successfully make heeseung an account there as you both sitting around by the serpentine.
"h_evva_n? like evan but also heaven?"
"that and a little hint of the h for my birth name," he mentioned, saying that it is the name of his personal private instagram account as he opened his instagram to see the 'official heeseung' account with nearly a million followers compared to the one named evan with only nearly a hundred people. then, you showed him the interfaces of the app, on how to record the movies that he watched. which made you have a frown when he finally told you that he actually doesn't watch a lot of movies.
"but movies are good storytelling inspiration. like ariana grande with eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." you go on in a tangent that made him giggle as he promised to watch more movies in his spare time. after helping him put on his four favourite films, you finally tap in your username so that he can see your profile, your thumb moves as you make him follow you and you give him back his phone before opening yours to follow him back. his eyes are moving around your account with a patron tag beside your profile, the profile name of your username, "n0veltyd1cemaker", and the backdrop of your favourite movie plastered there. but he caught onto one movie in the first row he saw, and he had to voice it out.
"koyaanis⌠qatsi?"
"koyaanisqatsi, yeah," you reply as he reads the poster of the third movie of your four favourite. eyes watching as he opens the movie profile and reads the synopsis. "it's like a long music video. non-narrative documentary of pure editing and cool ass soundtrack by philip glass. it gave me an existential crisis."
"is that the most experimental movie you've watched?"
you hummed in agreement, "well, currently it is. i actually have another one that i still haven't gotten the time to. but it is a four-hour long chinese drama movie named an elephant stitting still. i have to gather myself up to watch it because i know it will be painful, for me, honestly." and you watched him with his lips now agape, baffled with your choice of a movie to watch as you both continue to converse.
by the platform, you then are talking to him about the tv shows that he watched. the earbud is back in his ear as you bob your head to the song playing. then the announcement of the incoming train rings as you brace yourself beside him, standing still against the wall as the train zooms past you both and the wheel screeches to a halt.
"we're gonna transfer at bond street to the jubilee line," you remind him as you stand forward, seeing a glimpse of his nodding head as the door opens and you both step inside.
the cart is much fuller than when you rode the tube before. you both find yourself standing on the other side of the cart from the open door. your hand securely hold onto your bag as the other grabs onto the pole, squeezing yourself into a corner. a bunch more people are moving to find a comfortable space to stand and you find heeseung standing in front of you. the proximity between you and he making you hold your breath as you feel the brush of his sleeveless shirt against your torso. you glance at the pole you were holding, feeling the cart moving as he holds onto the pole and puts a hand on the glass door to not crush you. his hand wraps the pole above your own, skin now grazes against each other. reverting back, you notice him looking at you in quietness, the r&b song continues to play in both of your ears as you can't seemingly look away from him. his eyes now piercing with the look that you've seen when you walk to the station, but now with even more clarity as you try your best to breathe regularly.
then, as you notice him leaning closer, the cart slows down when you look outside to see that you both arrived at bond street to transfer. his hand that was holding on to the pole now goes to hold yours. the bud gently fell from his ear as you slid out of the crowd and he followed. all seemed natural as you both didn't question the gesture until you arrived at the stairs going towards the next platform.
the cart in the jubilee line is much emptier as you two find a place to sit down. your hands are placed on your lap on top of your bag as you take in the rumbling heartbeat against your ribs. heeseung has his posture more relaxed, spreading his long legs in his vicinity and even touching yours. head tilted back as he closes his eyes to take an eye break. you watch his adam's apple bobbing as you can't help but nibble on your lower lip before shaking your head.
'you're thinking too much,' you remind yourself as you look away at the board of the next stop to the abbey road area you promised to bring him.
walking up the stairs, the sky that greets you is now cloudy, with the sun once again blanketed by the light grey balls of evaporated water. your eyes are observing the four-way intersection as you remembered what the map tells you to go. tucking your ipod and earbuds away, you waited to cross the street. heeseung standing beside you, eyes blinking rapidly as you both cross the road. the area you find yourself in is filled more with locals. some mom-and-pop shops are scattered about as it also blends in with the residential houses. by the looks of it, you can guess that this area is still as expensive as ever to live in, with its proximity to central london.
and so, you both walk on the pavement, beneath trees that has its leaves and branches shadows you as you continue to your destination. your sight is focusing on your right, where you find the famous pedestrian crossing. and you followed the street until you arrived at the three-way junction and saw the street name bolted on a building standing in one of the corners.
"abbey roadâŚ" heeseung said beside you. your eyes are looking around to see that there are only a few people. mostly are tourist as they are recreating the very picture that the beatles did for their album cover. you glance at the man beside you to see how he is blinking in near disbelief, that is before you feel him gripping onto your hand as you stand at the end of the road before the very crossing, letting the cars go past. and when you walk across, you feel his grip tightenâletting him take in the place.
"i should recreate this. we should," he said when you both arrived at the other side, looking back to find people crossing before it gets empty as another tourist walks to recreate the photo. but, before you say anything back, you felt a tug that brings you down the street to see a white building with a thin gated barrier. cars and vans strewn inside as you read a few writings that people made whilst slowly walking towards the entrance of the vicinity.
"abbey road studios. this is where they record their songs!" heeseung exclaimed as he walked towards the gate. the signage tells of the name there, with a list of their opening hours. doodles scattered on top of the white-painted walls surrounding it. his hand was already pulling the phone out of his pocket and pushing it towards you. "can you take a picture for me here?"
"of course!" you grabbed his phone and let him choose where to stand while you looked through the screen with the grid lines. moving the camera to make his head appear in the middle of the nine boxes, you quickly press the button after telling him that he can start posing now. from the screen, you can see heeseung let out a small smile before it slowly gets wider, and then turns into a grin as his head moves around. you can't help but also let out your own grin watching him pose. that, even with the many times you take a picture randomly, he still looks as photogenic as everâmaking something settle in yourself about your own photogenicness. there is a reason as to why it also makes you like working behind the scenes more, too.
you continue capturing the images as you see him candidly move to look at the side to find something that enlarges his eyes. finally, you stopped as he walked away from your frame, making you pull the phone down as you see him approaching an open door to what looks like the store for abbey road studios. another building there specifically to sell merchandise, supposedly. you stride behind him as he pushes the door, the colour scheme of white, red, and blue greets you as you find several items of merchandise of the beatles. scattered about in the small store, your eyes look around the tactful looking products that showcase abbey road studios' iconic logo and also an homage to the doodles that exist on its premises. writings of numerous fans of the musicians who have recorded their music here. stepping beside heeseung, he gazed at the pressing of albums recorded in this very studio. the beatles' abbey road prominently shown as it is eponymous with its name and the studios' fame.
"i think it's a dream of every musician to have a chance to record their work here. same with electric lady studios in new york." he carefully picked up one of the vinyl pressings of abbey road. "this is my favourite beatles album. a return to form from their more conceptual album like sgt. pepper."
"hmm," you reply before he faces you, "i can see that. mine's either revolver or rubber soul. depending on the day."
heeseung chuckles at your answer as he puts the item back. then you follow him as you let him see around the room before stopping at the shelf selling guitar picks that is illustrated with the graviti-esque art style of the abbey road studios. grabbing one which is full of six picks, he went to the cashier while you waited by the exit, which is separated from the entrance.
the door opens as you pull, letting the outside air in as you heard him saying "thank you" to the cashier before meeting you and tilting his head for you to go out first. stepping down a few steps from the building, you found another wall that is full of doodles. mentions of the beatles, the likes of lady gaga, pink floyd, but also of people just wanting to plaster their presence here, makes you feel a clench in your heart. an image of a tourist that also has come here and written down with a ink pen of their name and date, telling you of how they stopped by here before you. you can hear the sound of pictures taken as heeseung's camera is focused on the wall, letting him memorise the trip here too, beyond what he bought in the store.
you both walk back towards the crossing to find that it is nearly empty. fewer cars and vans are scattered as you find him staring at you again with a knowing look. like clockwork, you accept his phone as you try to remember the angle of the beatles' album cover so you can perfectly recreate it.
"i think doing it vertically is better than horizontal," you said to him as you moved the phone upright in your grip, pulling away from heeseung as he settled by the edge of the crossing. looking at the empty road, you quickly step onto the asphalt with one eye open, focusing the screen to find the right ratio of foreground and background as you count him down.
heeseung walks into the screen and you quickly capture the photos, walking from the left to the right as he seems to widen his stride to make it look more similar to the album cover. he can't help but let out laughter as you scramble back to him on the pavement. pulling up the gallery, you let him scroll down the ones you just captured and hearing gasp in awe.
"fuckâŚ" the second time you heard him curse makes you taken aback but amused at how he reacted, "this looks SO GOOD!" eagerness comes out instinctively as he pulls the phone away to face you. "now i can take a photo for you too."
"ah," your head shakes, "no, please-"
"why not? you have come here, and it may be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. you should memorise it," he tries his best to convince you as you continue shaking your head.
"there's a reason why i don't take a lot of photos of myself alone. i-"
"need help?" you both turn your heads to find the sound of the deep voice calling for you. an older brown man with salt and pepper hair, walking towards both of you. a lanyard around his neck that shows his identification, though it's unintelligible from where you are standing. "i can help take the photos for both of you."
you glanced back at heeseung to find him looking at his phone, then the older man, and then to you, "we can let him take our photo, and we can walk down there together."
the older man lets out a warm smile whilst looking at heeseung before nodding, "come on now. the sky is getting greyer every second here." he speaks with a tinge of the london accent you can hear.
turning back to heeseung, you nodded as you stepped aside and let heeseung tell the older man how and where to capture the picture. your eyes glance up at the sky. some semblance of branches is visible in your sight as you notice the sky that is getting greyerâper what the older man said. heeseung comes back to you as you both walk down the pedestrian to get the picture.
"okay!" the man said, "ready when you are."
in an instant, you felt heeseung's hand gripping onto your left one as your startled self makes both of you laugh. your eyes are staring at him, who is looking behind at you. heeseung is one stride in front of you with the glint in his eyes while you both are walking with wide smiles. arriving at the other end, more laughter erupts from both of you that you can't help but crouch down to calm yourself down, wiping away the hair that covers your face as you hear the older man's footsteps stopping behind you with his own chuckle.
"thank you so much," heeseung said as you turned to find him already tucking his phone back. you quickly brush the creases and folds of your clothes and make sure your bag is okay while pulling your phone out to open the map app once again.
"we don't have time. we should go to notting hill as soon as possible," you remind to heeseung.
"going to notting hill from here? that's gonna be a long walk, or are you riding the tube?" the older man said.
"we were thinking of using a bus," you reply, knowing from the mock test of the routes that you pick that there is no convenient way to go to notting hill from abbey road easily.
"or you can use my cab," the older man said before turning his head. you can see the black cab parked there with no driver in sight. you know that riding around in a taxi here is pretty expensive, hence why you ride around with the underground train and buses most of the time. but you glance back at the clock in your phone to see that it is 3 minutes to 4pm, and you realise that you have so many things to do in notting hill as the place where you haven't explored much here. with a sigh of both realisation and relief, you nodded.
"that will be great, sir."
"come!" he gestures you both towards the vehicle as heeseung glances back at you and you nod your head in a reply to him. he helps open the back door to let you in, scooting to the side so that heeseung can sit next to you. the ignition starts as the older manâthe driverâsettles into his seat and turns on the fare meter for your trip.
"any specific area of notting hill?" you see his wrinkled eyes in the rear-view mirror, looking at you and heeseung which he could probably see only half and half of each of your faces.
"i think the portobello road market would be great."
"of course, miss!" he said enthusiastically as the vehicle lurches forward. the man doesn't even need to use a map as he manoeuvres the cab towards the homes. your hand resting in the gap between you and heeseung. your head is looking out the window as leaves move from the kinetic energy of both vehicles and the air drafts across the city. the building you went past all seemed similar: blocky with gypsum trails on the outside. some are just entrances for a house that are usually two stories high. some have gates around themâthe wealthy peopleâwhere they can park their vehicle inside their houses' premises. yet, even though this is right on the edge of central london, it definitely is not as crowded with the evident residential presence and the smaller businesses on the main roads.
"where are you two from?" the driver said from the front seat as you focus back inside the vehicle, sensing heeseung's finger brushing yours.
"uh," you glance at him as he replies with a nod, letting you take the lead. "we came from two different nationalities, actually. we met in london and are spending the day together."
"hmm!" the older man hums, seeming enthusiastic from what you can see with the rear-view mirror. the older man's eyes, with their creased lines, smiled whilst looking at the road. and that's when you felt a warm glare piercing through your temple and heeseung's hand that moves to hold onto even a few of your fingers, finding comfort.
and you let him.
-
it only takes around five minutes to reach portobello road with the cabâa good time investment when you see that it's already past 4pm when you arrive. as the realisation dawns on you about the man beside you, you stay mostly quiet as the driver tells him of his own little escapade when he first arrived in london.
"i met my wife in an irish pub somewhere in east london. the crowd was alive there 'cause a band played an irish jig. we dance almost all night and then when to eat together. the rest is history." you let out a smile at the image of the man several decades ago, dancing in an irish pub with someone who will be a significant part of his future. heeseung replies with his own, "i haven't actually got the time to go to any pub. it's actually our last day in london."
and you let him continue the conversation for you, saying that he is a musician while you are a craft business owner. half-truths spoken to not only conceal his identity as an internationally famous idol, but also because he doesn't know what you are. well, you don't know what you are yourself and have been allowing this trip through the british isles as a way to find it. however. the way heeseung spoke of the things you've done today seems so enthusiastic to you that you are left in a dissonant state.
your little journey here encompasses only around seven to eight hours of your life. yet, he tells it with storytelling prowess like what a singer-songwriter does when making lyrics. it is at hearing his words that you taste a little bittersweetness on your tongue, that you have under two hours to explore a neighbourhood you have been wanting to visit when you made your flexible itinerary. that you have limited time around with him, and thatâeven if at first felt awkwardânow feels fun. reasons drill into your head as you think back on the voyage you both had, on how you try your best to not be seen in his photographs because you are merely there. a speck in his big, big life. you had resorted to sinking your hope down because, like a lightning in a bottle, this whole thing is near impossible to do again.
heeseung and you will go your separate ways after today. and you don't want that to affect the rest of your journey. nonetheless, you felt yourself slipping up when you first grabbed onto his hand and thought that it felt different from the moments when you were merely wanting him to catch up to you.
larger trees become less and less as you arrive at a neighbourhood. the taxi is moving underneath a viaduct, where you can see trains going above. two huge concrete blocks are placed at the entrance of the road and the cab slows down by the pavement before it. your hand already reaching for your bag as another one stops you, looking up to find heeseung's face around 30cm in front of you.
"let me pay," he persuade with enlarged eyes and the tousled bangs on his forehead. nodding slowly, the tinnitus receded as you could hear the continuation of the older man's question with heeseung answering.
"thank you so much," the word let out easily from you as the older man also thanks the two of you back. heeseung helping to close the door for you as the cab scurries away towards a group of tourists hailing it to come. looking around, the grey sky is slightly darker. the thick clouds only let a little shine of the sun to pierce through as you walk towards the closed-off road. footsteps following beside you.
entering the road, you see many tents and booths on one side of the road, and many types of shops on the buildings on each side of the road. being there on the weekday afternoon means that there aren't as many people here. some of the booths have half of their stock gone, especially the ones that sell food. clothes are hanging from hangers in the tent, and someone even brings out their van as a place to sell things. the walk continues, easier to do on the asphalt street and a less crowded street. you remembered from the map where you put all the locations that you want to visit, that down the street you are on is where the electric cinema is located. a cinema that you wanted to visit after visiting prince charles cinema back at leicester square. but now with heeseung with you and limited time, it is compromised. maybe someday you'll be able to visit.
"ooh," you hear him gasp as heeseung walks toward one of the tents. a lady around ten years older than you is residing at the front as you look at the table full of charms, keychains, and stickers. vintage-looking charms that you can feel your eyes sparkling at. gently picking one of them, the lady says, "it comes in two. for you and your friend there."
turning to the side, heeseung is focused on a few necklaces, a slight pout on his face as he focuses on the item. this is the place where you are free to shop around, of course, and you sense warmth spreading in you at how excited it all seems to be for him. 'maybe', you look down at the chain once again, 'it's a good gift for him.'
"can i get the pair?"
the transaction is quick as you hastily put the small paper bag with the items you both inside the pocket, your figure already approached heeseung, who is now looking at a few clothes at the stall next to him. his eyes widen to find you before turning back. "the style matches you more than me," as you catch the flap of your bag that looks vintage enough closing whilst you scoff.
"even if i can buy clothes, i'm trying to limit myself because i have a lot of things to buy at the end." you winked after saying it to him, making him nod in return.
"i feel the same. i can't exactly buy a big thing because i'm not the one who handles my suitcase. it might've already been checked in when i arrived at the airport."
you both continue to walk down the road, passing one intersection to continue down the blocked off portobello road market, where more stalls and booths are there. your eyes enjoy the window shopping as you feel yourself holding down on going to buy something for yourself. 'focus on experience first, especially for him,' you remind yourself. your bag brushed against your side as he took his footsteps alongside you. what you didn't realise was the way the sky had darkened enough and you felt little drops from above that you think it is sweat.
however, then it gets quicker, heavier, and you only take a glimpse at the sky before the droplets start to fall more heavily.
"run!" you exclaimed as the sound of the rain got louder, pouring down hard. your feet stepped on the asphalt that was getting wetter by the second as you turned left at the intersection to find shelter in a doorway of a closed store. heeseung follows behind you as he has a grin on his face. his sleeveless arms have droplets of rain trailing down his skin. you felt something dropping down your face as you wiped it away, chuckling at the situation as you glance back at heeseung in this small haven.
"you're gonna get a scolding from your manager," you joked at him as his chuckles continued.
"let himâŚ" he turns his head to find your facial expression mimicking him. in an instant, you sense that warm feeling again. your eyes that were trailing his slightly wet arms go up towards his face, finding the smile slowly drops with his lips now ajar. the proximity of the walls and the rain before you makes the warmth stronger and you feel yourself sinking back, already leaning against the wall as your legs are brushing his. heeseung's lip is slightly dry as you forgot to remind him of his chapstickâsomething that you'd seen him wear with his stylist before leaving the hotel lobby. however, you felt the magnetic force making both of you closer.
you don't know which one approaches closer first, but you think that it is around the same time when you felt his lips on yours. soft, gentle, hesitation. his eyelids flutter to a close first when you can see a few drops of rain at the ends of his eyelashes. your hands are aching before finally resting on his shoulder, holding yourself steady as you fully close your eyes and let the sensation hit you. your wet t-shirt suddenly feels dry because of your fastening heartbeat, flowing more blood around your body because of heeseung. your lips experimented, moving slightly as he also adjusted, puckering up as you pout as well. a slight push from each other so that your lips are fully meeting.
you are kissing heeseung. heeseung is kissing you.
and with that realisation, you both pull away with only a small distance between your lips. eyes dazed as you try your best to read the situation.
"heeseung?" you started,
"(y/n)?" he replied.
"heeseungâŚ" you answered.
"(y/n)," he echoes back, letting his forehead rest against your own. your eyes are looking down, away from his eyes as you shake your head slightly.
"heeseung," the voice that comes out of you is more stern, grounded. yet still in bafflement, "what have we done?"
you see his hand move from the corner of your eye, resting on your face as his thumb brushes against your cheekbone, making your eyes flutter as you meet his gaze.
"i don't regret itâŚ" heeseung spoke. his hand continue to cup your face as he pulls back, shaking his head to show that he indeed didn't regret kissing you. a frown naturally forms, eyebrows scrunched. yet he continues to hold your face as you read into his eyes. the warm feeling you are sensing coming from them.
with a little nibble on your bottom lip, you then said, "i don't regret it eitherâŚ"
heeseung glances to the side where droplets pour down from the small canopy, "i don't think the rain is going to stop. we have to move." his hand left your face as you moved to peek from the entrance, looking at what is beside the store as you find the familiar sign for rough trade.
"we can go to the store beside here," you return to him, "it's a music store."
without hesitation, heeseung walks first into the pouring rain to the slightly larger entrance of the store, then looks around to see that you are correct. it is, in fact, a music store. posters of various musicians are plastered on the window as he reads the writings. you are following behind him when he gently pushes the door open. the sound of a song playing in the background as rows upon rows of vinyl discs are placed in crates. something that overwhelms him because it has been a while for him to even buy physical releases. heeseung does collect them back home, but only the albums that he truly enjoys.
his shoulder brushes against yours as you go by, looking at the featured vinyls by the wall and the ones on sale. the signage that says downstairs is tempting where you can see genres that you enjoy, such as new wave and jazz. but you try your best to find the section that you want to show him. heeseung strides behind you, following along as you go past the pop and rock area. bands and musicians you've heard with their famous album covers are plastered on the wall. but your eyes are focusing on finding the r&b section.
you felt the warm gazeâheeseung'sâbeside you as you were digging through the crate with the label. eyes looking through the names and images on the outer sleeve of the album cover. you carefully move them to the front with your fingertips, pushing the edge of it towards you. then, when you see the familiar green album with the yellow and red accent, you hear the man beside you gasp.
"i've seen the album before," he mentioned as you showed him.
"erykah badu's. i think you'll like her songs. but honestly, i think you like neo soul in general. like d'angelo?" your free hand mimics a brain explosion gesture as heeseung laughs. you looked back at the packaging once again before putting it back into the crate, "as much as i want to force you to buy it, it's gonna be harder for you to pack it up."
"that's right," heeseung says, his hand tugs on the shirt around his waist as he unties it and slowly puts it on. his eyes are looking around the pop section when he catches the crate that has a k-pop label. his heart starts to beat faster as he remembers that the label did make a vinyl edition of his newest album. his fingers moving along to dig through the crateâlesser numbers than the other pop section that is divided by the alphabetâto then discover the familiar album cover. heeseung sensed a presence beside him as he shifted his head to find you, eyes already on the cover.
heeseung pushes gently so you can see clearly, "this is the album that you've heard back at the park."
"the one you're touring for?"
"yeah," your eyes focused on the cover after he answered back. the image is fully black and white, a blurry picture of heeseung. but with the distance in the photo and him being angled to the side, you can trace him clearly. a gentle smile formed on your face as you felt an itch on your hands to bring it to the counter and buy it. however, you have your own limitations with the duration of time you are still travelling and the limit of your luggage. maybe, if you visited another rough trade or other music store that also sells k-pop releases before you go home, you may still be enticed by it, knowing that you genuinely wanted to support his career.
after placing the release back into the pile, heeseung gave you nods, understanding the same sentiment as the one he has with the erykah badu album. you open your bag as you put on your outer once again, helping you to at least protect from the raindrops. you looked back at the clock to see that it was near 4.30pm and the fact of the matter of your time together running out became a motivation to continue on.
opening the door to the outside, you both stand under the cover as the rain still swarms, yet not like a shower that happened around 10 minutes ago. you are genuinely mad at yourself for leaving your umbrella in your carrier at the bag storage of paddington station. and so, you turn to heeseung and said, "we're going to go pass through the rain towards that road. just follow me."
"alright!" he spoke back, a little louder to fight against the noise of the rain. counting down, both of you blasted off towards the direction that you are pointing. you're running slightly in front under the rain, hearing heeseung laugh at the situation as he kept up with you, trying his best to cover his head with his bag as his clothes are still getting damp. you were more daring, only covering the area above your eyes so you could see clearly before glancing towards heeseung, following his laughter with your own as the rain felt more magical than everâas if all the challenges and limitations you both are feeling disappeared for a few minutes.
looking to your left, you see the sign with the blue background of the notting hill bookshop. though not the real location of the movie, it is inspired by this very bookshop where you felt your own heart pitter-pattering. you pushed the door of the shop open and held for heeseung to step in. as quickly as you can, you grab pieces of tissue that you kept inside your bag to wipe away the drops so that it doesn't get the books wet. heeseung grabs a few after you offered him and does the same, wandering eyes scanning the interior. a small shop with books scattered along the surfaces with a few people in it, including the staff. taking refuge in the shop, you smell the familiar woody scent of papers. the wooden-panelled floor creaks as you walk in with the man behind you, trying your best to navigate through the small shop as you stride to the back of the store to just find more books.
heeseung looks around overwhelmingly. most of the bookstores he go to in seoul are the big chains that sell more than books. a usual place where he buys his stationery needs and also finds k-pop albums. nevertheless, the small rooms connected to each other with books and items all around do bring him a sense of warm comfort. his eyes stay on you as you shift around in amusement, focusing more on the books than ever. an endearing view in his eyes.
"you've heard of the notting hill movie?" you break the ice.
"you know that i don't watch a lot of moviesâŚ" heeseung remarked as you snicker, turning your head towards the path you are coming from.
"this bookstore is the one that inspired the one in the notting hill movie, which is about a bookstore owner in notting hill and his relationship with an american actress who is working here. they actually shoot the movie around notting hill, which makes it cooler." your words reaching him while you move to the front of the store once again, making him notice thatâbecause of the fame of the movieâthey are selling merchandises. one of them are postcards as he trails his sight to find one that is actually a poster for the movie and the one beside it with the shop's signature blue colour contrasts the white words.
"'i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her,'" heeseung heard the sound clearly, realising that when he averts his eyes, it was actually your voice speaking it, which seems to be the quote of the movie. as your lips closed after the last few words, your head twitches before turning to face him. though his eyes peer down to your lips, the very lips that said those beautiful wordsâcreating an underlying resonance between the two of youâand the very lips that he had kissed. he is genuine with his answer in that small doorway. that he didn't regret anything when he kissed you; that he felt better because you reciprocated it, or when both of your lips met halfway, as he was certain that he pushed forward first.
he wants to do it again in this small bookstore hallway, heat now engulfing you both instead of the cold rain. but he sees the many people surrounding him and settles to just put himself closer to you, placing a hand on your back as a pout formed on your face. heeseung takes in what you've said about the movie set in this very neighbourhood, and based on your reaction as you said those words and feel his touch, he knows that you see yourself in the same position as the protagonists. and it is something that he wishes he could talk more about with you.
approaching the front, heeseung gazes at the stacks of books with differing covers. you already have a journal in your hand that you want to buy when you stopped at one side and looked at the books there. your free hand picks one up, turning the book around to look at the front and back covers, before glancing at him, "you read books?"
"sometimes. currently no."
"i was thinking, if you want of course," you push the book to his chest, making him pick it up to read the title 'pride and prejudice' on the cover. "just as a little memento and the fact that you need to watch more movies, we should buy these and read it, knowing that we have the same copy of the book." he watches a scoff came out of you, pursed lips move around as you speak what's on your mind, "maybe, someday if we met again, we can compare notes on the book. and you definitely have to watch the 2005 movie. one of the most beautiful movies i have ever seen."
heeseung's gaze looks back at the book as he thinks of your proposition. as much as he doesn't want to admit it, he is ever so close to getting a burnout. self-reflecting on what you both talked aboutâhow he doesn't fully see himself as an idol, when you mentioned that he sounds livelier in his older songsâsongs can only be created so much with the story he had inside his mind. books can be a good way to add to it, reading other people's stories to see if he can make something out of it; either inspired by said book or adapting what has been in his life to the scenario in the writings.
"that's a good idea," he voices out with the corner of his lips tugging upwards. you nodded at his agreement as you took another copy for yourself before going to the counter to pay. he glanced back at the book again, already thinking of something to make it more personalised, before grabbing it and queuing behind you.
the rain is still pouring, lighter than before but still heavy enough to soak your clothes if stayed underneath for too long. and so, after tucking your newly purchased journal and book into your bag. you stand in front of the closed door of the bookshop outside, face to face with heeseung who is looking at you for confirmation.
"honestly, i'm a little hungry."
"me too, and a little cold," heeseung answered.
"we should find a cafe near the station."
"yes, please," he replied, a hand offered as you connect it with your own.
"i'll let you lead the way this time. just go towards more to the right because that's the way to our station," you remind him as you feel him brush his thumb against the back of your hand. with your fingers interlocked, he pulls you away from the bookstore and into the rain.
both of your bags are bouncing from your movement as you both run down the wet pavement and even the empty roads. your shoes got splashed by some of the puddles as you had to remind yourself to change into your other pair to let this one dry. you felt your face getting wet from the rain pouring, already expecting to find the makeup you wore more smudgy than everâyou do like your makeup a bit messy anyway. heeseung continues down the concrete, observing the exteriors around him, when he brings you to a prominent road with wider lanes. turning right like you said, you both swerved around people walking with their open umbrellas trying to find a cafe. the boy sees the bridge and a passing train above it: the station that you mentioned that will bring you back. his eyes look closely at the windows as he finally found a cafe pretty near the bridge and brings you to the terrace. he heard you let out a sigh as you peered at the small establishment, wiping away the drops on your face, finding your hair strands clumping into one another.
the cafe is quaint and empty except for one barista who greets you. heeseung quickly settles on the chairs by the window, liking the idea of spectating the outside world while waiting for the rain to stop. the grey sky blanketed the sky as he couldn't tell that it was already five until he checked his phone. instantly, he can now feel the tiredness spreading around him from walking and standing for a while.
"evan," he heard your voice calling to him, "do you want a hot or cold drink?"
heeseung approaches you and stands behind to scan the menu, letting the proximity warm you both up as he points to the drink he wants before you order your own drink and a pastry you and he will share. "let me pay for it," he said right into your ears, and you peek at him before mouthing, "okay."
after he settled the payment, you both went to your seats with the table settling between you. putting a hand on your chest, you hoped the pressure would help calm you down as you finally settled down in front of him. and when he catches your eyes, giggles bubbled up from both of you. with hours now in between the moment when you sit across from him in that nando's, you can already feel the difference. this one is more natural. a few barriers are left between the two of you after spending your day with him. and now, as you sit in this small cafe in notting hill with the evening approaching, you can feel your heart dropping more and more inside you. a way to cool down your day, but also another step to face until you finally separate from each other: him to seoul and you to your train going to edinburgh.
silence envelopes both of you as you stare at one another, letting the day sink in, sensing how the sweat and rain are combining on your skin. the sound of the espresso machine working in the background fills the air as you piece together the questions you want to ask. your eyes notice him settle his hands on the table, clasp with each other, as you inhale to speak.
"how is london?" the question sounds simple, yet heavy at the same time.
"i love to explore more. but the places that you bring me to are great."
"glad to know, um," you turn to see the barista putting the drinks and croissant down on the table. replying with gratitude, you quickly grab your cup and drink up the warm drink. licking the excess of the drink from around your lips, you glance at him while he also takes a sip of his drink, hearing his hum before slowly putting it back on the small plate.
"you do really want to go to notting hill, huh?" heeseung started asking.
"yeah! well, other than the movie, i think it's just a cool neighbourhood. it's like a microcosm of the city with arts, markets, famous landmarks, and more. there's even a walking tour around the neighbourhood. i was considering if i could get one, but i like travelling all by myself more," you said whilst nodding your head. "and i hope you'll like the pride and prejudice book too. i don't know if i may have coerced you into buying because of me, but i genuinely like how the movie looks and i think i can see myself liking the book too." eyebrows scrunched as you gesture towards his bag.
"that's alright. i want to read more books as well. so it's good to have that one now, especially because you're reading it too," heeseung remarked, picking up the fork to gently get the pieces of the croissant that you have requested to be cut off. relief flows all over you as you take another sip, warming your body up while you let the background music from the cafe fill your presence. that awkward feeling comes once again, not because of the unknown that you both have and navigate with by talking to each other. now, it is the awkwardness of how to end it; truly ending it.
"it makes me happy to see you enjoying the neighbourhood. you do like production design a lot from the movies you mentioned and what you said about the plays and musicals you watched." heeseung notes something that strikes you, to think that he must have observed you so closely to see how you tick with your joy on those things made your cheek feel warmer than even the beverage before you.
"and also with your education and what you told me. about what you're doing," he added, eyes fluttering as you watch him thinking of something. the corners of his lips fall to their regular shape, but his next question hits you more, "is that why you're crying last night? something related to it?"
"you⌠heard itâŚ" you mumble, not intending to be a question but you see heeseung nodding his head. and immediately, the many things you've done to avoid thinking about what you received last night are shattered. the cracks let the memory of the moment that breaks you in and spread all across your thoughts. even if you know heeseung is your hotel room neighbour, you felt sorry for him to hear you wail.
"it is actually something related to it," you started. he deserved to know because you caused a hindrance to himâon the night when he should've had the best rest after a while.
your mind thinks back to the scene from last night. you see yourself in a third-person point of viewâlike a movie or stage playâheartbeat drumming against your chest, the laptop opens as you open the pages to find the thing you are looking for. breath held for a long time as you read what the screen shows, holding strongly against the wooden material whilst not realising that a tear had slid down your cheek. you had to push yourself away from the desk to actually react with your entire body.
"it's⌠about my future⌠after the tripâŚ" heeseung already watching you with his frowning eyebrows. your head is shaking to calm yourself down. "i didn't get it. the grant."
the man who sits in front of you let out an exhale. a grant. a grant for you to do something. and based on the way your eyes are starting to water, a grant to do something that you love.
"after this trip, i was hoping to go back to school again, but now for arts and crafts instead. production design as you mentioned, creating something for movies or the stage." you started slow, in chronological order, so that he understands where you are coming from. because the person in front of you is your definition of the epitome of success. a well-known, wealthy korean idol who has already done an international tour at the age of 25. and you, being the same age as him, have accomplished nothing. "so i applied for a grant specifically for arts and crafts. i pour my experiences from being a tech in theatre, creating things, and making a portfolio, into that grant. the staff was so nice when we had an interview about it and they reacted positively⌠then seeing the rejection broke me."
your hands on the table, clenched into a fistâstabilising you as you can already feel yourself trembling. "it makes me realise just how much of a failure i am. that even if i pour something into what i love, it's not enough. i'm already two years behind my friends who are thriving in their lives. and i don't want to go back to marketing anymore because i gave up so much to leave that world. and yet, when i want to move on, the universe seems not to allow me." heeseung watches your lips pursed, letting out an exhale as you continue speaking softly, "i was also not having the best time that night. someone was advancing at me. i multiple times said no and i had to be saved by the bartender before i saw the email notification for the announcement. it cummulates into what happened last night," you scoff at the notion, a tear falling down your cheek, "i didn't even sleep in the bed last night."
heeseung's heart tugs as he observes you. the muffled sound of your wails from behind the wall now has a clear definitionâhe described it as agony. the sound that he had also related to as it becomes the catalyst of the doubts created in his mind about what he is doing. from his eyes, you are the bravest person he had known. you had a similar experience to minhyun; you pivot from what you have spent a long time doing to take a different path. and even if his first company went bankrupt and had to let him go, his luck found him to minhyun and he, along with the label, managed him until he is at a level of career and fame that he never expected. yet, tiredness always stays idle beneath his skin. he never has a good night's sleep ever since a week after he signed his new contractâonly the ones that came from the doctor's order so he can feel better in his ailments. in his eyes, you are more experienced than he is in living. however, when he heard your reasoning, he felt it too. he will turn 25 after his encore concert back in seoul and he doesn't know what to do next. his encore is similar to your grant, because it is a catalyst to know what path he'll take in the future. heeseung thinks back on the words you've said as he heard you sob, muffled by you covering your face with your palms.
"i feel it too," he started, making you lift your head up, "when i heard you cry last night, you were acting out on what i'm thinking. i genuinely don't know what to do after i go back to seoul and perform my last concert for the tour. though, i do know that education doesn't have to be the sure way to secure your future. i," heeseung points to himself in the middle of his chest. "i never learned music formally. i went to a language high school, like i said before, because it is a sure way for me to get a stable job. because even at that age, i knew doing music is risky. yet, i try very hard to make a hobby that i love into something that i can do for my life. you heard my history."
"i did," you whispered back.
"and it's not as fun as yours. i would love to study at a university on-campus. finding people with similar tastes as i am and connecting through that. but i chose to sign an idol contract and have been working almost non-stop for the past few years." his adam's apple bobbed as you gazed back at him with watery eyes, thinking into his words as you imagine heeseung being someone at your campus. and the epiphany of him not actually having done that.
"i will say⌠start small. and i think you already did when you told me the things you're going to do during your trip," heeseung echoes, his words referencing the words you said before about yourself. the corner of your lips curls upwards. he remembers.
"you told me you like making miniatures, small sceneries too, and your username is 'novelty dicemaker'. i think going into the business route can be good for you because you have some of the knowledge from your marketing school," his voice sends out a clear message. "it's like songwriting for me. small parts, maybe the lyrics first, and maybe the melody first, but it combines. of course, there are things that i am not an expert in. but combining what you learned is worth more than starting from zero again, and you can learn more on the road."
heeseung sighs; the words he spoke out of his very lips feel real to him, too. if he hadn't learned in a language high school, maybe he would only be learning a certain music genre without knowing what it means in their countries. he couldn't be talking to you in english clearly, even if some of the words he had spoken seem not natural enough for a conversational english level. but he combined that to make memorable and understandable lyrics that the k-pop industry needed, especially one that likes to combine both english and korean even in the same line, now with the right grammar. if he didn't learn languages, he might struggle to communicate with peopleâespecially with the many times his multilingual studies have helped him survive in foreign countries, no matter how broken they sound against a fluent speaker. and as he blinks on his thought process, he can't help the doubts that linger about his career. facing a different case from the same root.
"i'm- no," he mumbles, correcting himself, "i know i'm not perfect. the songs i made go through a process to be judge to see which one is the perfect one to be included. but i'm also not perfect based on the choices i made. and the consequences have reached me now because i never felt this free in a long time." you heard a sniff coming from heeseung as he lets out a shaky breath. "i think i need a change of something. when you mentioned that the music i made before sounds livelier, it made me evaluate my process and realise just how limited it has been for me. even if a soloist has the most creative freedom, i'm still under my current K-pop-focused company. and i realised that iâŚ" heeseung looks downâthe words right at the edge of his tongueâand observes your hand on the table moving towards his. a slight brush against his knuckle as he blinks in rapid succession before finishing his sentence.
"i realised that i don't want to be an idol anymore. i want to focus on being a musician, a producer, a songwriter, instead of an idol, because idols are perfect. and i know i'm not. and i can't keep up with it anymore."
"then become something else." you say the words that are nagging in his mind, "you can be beyond what you were thinking. if an idol life is not for you, it's not gonna be the end of the world." eyes also look down, now with his fingers nudging to be placed in between yours, as an epiphany comes to you, "we're still young. living the first quarter of our lives. we are still able to change. i mean, i am right now⌠i think self-evaluation, like what you said before, helps to find the little things in your life that feel like they can be more. and, i'll probably say that you may need to wait after your encore concert to think beyond your current state. give yourself time to evaluate yourself."
"evaluate yourselfâŚ" the phrase came out of heeseung's voice like an echo as he nodded before letting out a solemn smirk.
"yeah, and um," your fingers finally curl against his, making him turn his palm to lock his digits with yours. "thanks for hearing me complain about things. and also for the advice. i know that it seemed so sudden, and i'm sorry for disturbing you last night."
heeseung reverts his mind back to the jazz in his ears, with the sound volume decreased as he heard your cries. and before him is the person who has told things regarding it. and now, the same person is the first person who knows about his hesitation to continue to be an idol. "thank you for giving advice too." his hand caresses you gently, "we are not perfect after allâŚ"
"no, we aren't," you echo his sentiment as you lock your eyes on him. you see the little bits of tears in the shine of his eyes, and when he lets out a small smile, you also show yours, making you both snicker at each other as you turn to the window and look at the rain. seeing a little light from the moving cloud that is slowly turning purple.
finishing the cut croissant that is divided evenly between the two of you, you let the last of your drink down as you savour the flavour, gently putting the cup down on the table. as you stare at it, you notice heeseung opening his bag from the edge of your sight and pulling out something. a white colour showing to you as he pries the plastic container open. the sounds of objects jumping enter your ear as he stabilises it, before showing it to you. the familiar colour scheme and doodle style raise your eyebrow as you take a quick peek at the little pocket in your bag.
"here's one for you," he picked up one of the guitar picks from the set of sixâthe one he bought at the abbey road studios storeâbefore pushing it to you. your eyes looked at the graffiti-style typography on it before you hold between your fingers. "i don't know if you play any instruments or not. but i did think of giving one of them to you. just a little something to think back on me and today."
a chuckle came out of your lips as you slide the pick down to your palm before you curl your fingers, covering it. you personally don't play an instrument, but you'll keep it somewhere safe. maybe, sometime in the future, you have a desire to play a guitar, and you can use the pick heeseung gave you.
he then looked back when he heard a little crack in the air as the guitar pick he gave you rested back on the table. and he traces your hand as you also pick up your bag and open a pocket, pulling something out of it before covering it up with your fist. you pushed that clasped hand out. "here, for you to remember me also," you said, turning your hand so your palm faces up and uncurled your fingers. on it, two matching chain full of charms are resting there. a large blue button hanging on the end. a small charm of a king of spades card and a queen of hearts card on each charm, then decorated with stars and little colour beaads that match and complement each other. heeseung's hand gently pinched to pick one up, staring back at you to see you nod, as he holds it before letting it fall into his other hand.
"now we have something of each other," you uttered as he replied, "agree." eyes staring at one another, a smile grows on your face as it also grows on heeseung's. both of your bags are on your lap as you gently hang the new matching charm with the collection of yours. whilst heeseung's placement made his bag less empty with a tinge of colour evident there. the appearance of it made you smirk as you saw it dangling under the light of the interior, but also from outside.
peering outside, you see how the sky is more orange than blue; the rain has gone back to a light one that made people brave enough to go around without their umbrellas. and then, you looked down at your clock to see that it was 15 minutes before 6pm. and when you look up, heeseung's gaze is already on you as you nod, seeing him let out a small smile, which is different from the glassy eyes that are evident.
both of your bags are hanging by your sides, straps adjusted to your comfort as you take a glimpse at the matching chain dangling from heeseung's bag. you go past the fare box and up the stairs to the platform. the outerwear now sticks to your clothes, wet patches still evident on some parts of both of your figures. bringing one of your buds to him, he naturally picks it up and places it in his ear, letting you take in a song that is to your likingâa shoegaze song colouring your hearing as you wait for the train to come. a few minutes later, the familiar screeching from the train braking to a stop is getting louder before it fades as the cart stands before you. the door opens as you are met with a less crowded cartâbecause people are using the other way more to go home from central london.
sitting down beside each other, heeseung gently picks up your hand and locks it with his, resting them on his thigh as you view outside at the buildings pasing by, riding onto the track on the bridges you went right under in that black-coloured taxi. as the music plays and you both watching the sky getting darker and darker, heeseung relaxes himself against his seat before he felt something resting on his shoulder. he finds you there, head leaning to the side to rest on him, as he had to hold himself from emoting with the caress from his thumb on top of your hand.
the call for paddington station makes you both sit up before standing by the door as it opens. the outdoor platform lets you breathe as you walk up the stairs towards the main train station. gently, heeseung returns the earbud to you. yet, the hands never let go as you walk through the fare box. the train station is bustling with people once again. the lights are now turned on and bright as ever. you still find some people looking at the board to see their train schedules and location of their platform.
and now, here you two are, standing in the middle of the station where people are walking all around you. his way to heathrow airport with elizabeth line is on one side, while your ride to king's cross station via the circle line is on the other side. your luggage stood around you as you tug your backpack on top of the suitcase, the handle slipped through the little part of the backpack to stay in place as you glanced at heeseung, who was haphazardly putting his book copy into his bag. you both stood in front of each other. the usual giggles coming out of both of your lips as you face one another.
"remember, ride the one with the last station as heathrow airport. i don't want you to go to reading or somewhere else," you reminded him as he took the advice, "oh, almost forgot." you lean in closer, lowering your voice, "UK airports are notorious for making people walk through their duty-free area. so, if you are not interested to buy duty free things, just follow the main path and go quickly. i had an experience of watching a group running through because they almost missed their flight."
"noted," he replied, voice lowered to follow yours. your faces are now closer to each other as you stare at him. then instantly, you felt him wrap his arms around your figureâsomething that you reciprocated back. your head rested on his shoulder, both of you giving a tight squeeze on each other as the warmth that came from his eyes now flows through you. it actually made your eyes flutter shut with the comfort. but then you felt him move slightly back as you saw his face clearly.
even with blurry eyes forming, you captured his lips perfectly. his soft lips greet yours one last time as your hand moves to cup both sides of his face. you felt his tongue sliding across your bottom lip as you took him in, letting it meet with yours as you both tried to memorise each other. a kiss that is built on the one you had at notting hill, yet this one now pours a ton of history and memories. you sense the fallen tear from your eyes as you pull back, looking back to see that his cheeks also have trails of tears.
"oh," you commented, wiping the trail away as you calm him down with soothing gestures against his cheek.
"i want to say thank you. for being here with me. help me navigate through heavy things. making me evaluate myself more than i could ever do," heeseung says, his voice sounded a little shaky as you give him a light kiss on his cheek.
"thank you also, heeseung. if it's not because of you, i would probably give up on my goal. but now i know that there is someone rooting for me." you spoke back as heeseung can't help but give your forehead a kiss. then it trails down the bridge of your nose before it lands on your lips as you both kiss again for the next five seconds.
you had to make yourself let go as you feel your heart aching. hand holding onto the handle of your suitcase so it doesn't look as shaky. "remember to watch before sunrise."
"i will," he replies immediately. then you turn to look at the clock: 5 minutes before 6pm, and him about to leave the country at around 8pm. slowly, both of you take steps away from each other towards your respective sides.
"goodbye, (y/n)." his voice rings as you pull the luggage to you, stepping a few steps away from him so that you don't get your impulses to react and give him a hug again.
with a curt nod, you reply, "goodbye, heeseung."
and with that, you turn around, walking towards the way to your tube line to king's cross. away from your travel companion that you've spent your day with. away from someone who has made you feel something you haven't felt in a while. and as you turn around to look back at him, he is already there, staring at you, unmoving from his spot.
"if you go to korea," his voice rings louder, still loud enough for you to hear against the bustling crowd of commuters, "let me know, okay?"
"yeah. okay!" you nodded as you watched his smile widen with a wave from his hand before turning around, making you both turn to go to your destination. the suitcase glides with your control as you arrive at the escalator leading you to the entrance of the underground. and you turn back once again, trying to find him. your eyes glide around the floor to see if you can find a familiar bleached, dirty blond-haired boy with a wet flannel outer clinging to his skin like what yours are doing. your sight looks straight at the entrance of elizabeth line to find someone in the same description standing meters from it. and he turns around too. the crowd seemed to feel the weight as you had a clear eyeline on him, and with that, you waved your hand at him, and he replied to yours with his own. waving until you feel satisfied.
and for the last time, you both turned away from each other. letting the day go by as you take you separated ways.
in the train car, heeseung stares out at the sky getting darker and darker towards the outside of central london. true to your words, the elizabeth line train is wider compared to the ones in the underground. his eyes then look down at the charm you bought for him, hanging on the zipper of his bag. then at the copy of pride and prejudice book you both have. he pulls it out, opening the page with the title as he sees your signature there alongside a sticker with the typography of london that you gave to him as the staff brought your belongings out when you are retrieving themâa sticker that will be added to his suitcase, knowing that it is also matching with yours.
as you walk from the platform you arrived at into king's cross station, you are met with more people. it is probably because the station is beside st. pancrasâan international train station that can lead you all along the european continent. you guide your luggage around people as you walk towards somewhere heeseung wanted to go, but due to time constraints, you both are not able to. the harry potter vibe of the platform 9 3/4 gift shop hits you as you see there is still a queue for people to take a photo at the cart installation there. and in honour of him, you enter the shop.
"there you are- your clothes are wet," minhyun commented as heeseung arrived at the airport terminal. his eyes were gliding to find the recognisable staff members in his entourage, and he found the familiar figure of his manager.
"got caught in the rain. don't want to be late," he spoke back before minhyun pats his back.
"well, i hope you had fun with her," his hyung continues and as the thought of you came into his mind. eyeline meeting yours even across the large paddington station.
"the most fun," heeseung answered, gaining a smile from his manager before he moved first. "come on, we have to quickly get in because my friend said the path to the gates will be long."
with a can of butterbear-flavoured cookies tucked inside your backpack, you are sitting facing the crowd whilst eating dinner, waiting for your train. staring at the schedule on the screen, you find the name of your train that will bring you to edinburgh, seeing how it has an on-time status. turning to the luggage beside your seat, you found the matching sticker that you bought for you and heeseung already sticking onto the exterior wallâadding to the collection of cities you have travelled to. remembering how you will arrive there by the morning, you hoped that once you get on the train, you can get the most satisfying sleep, and you hoped that heeseung also has one in his long flight. you turn your head to look at the screen, seeing that it is already 8pm local time.
by the gate, heeseung is waiting in line to get onto the plane. his hand is moving to review the pictures you took of him. the ones in hyde park, some outside of the underground station, at abbey road. but also a moving picture at the famous crossing that autoplays when he comes to it. he realised that it was the result of the taxi driver helping him. but instead, he gave heeseung a video. and as he replays it, he watches you and him walking down the crossing together. a smile etched on both of your faces as he pauses the video and zooms in on the frame with your face clearly smiling. he felt a tug in his heart looking at it, but it was something that made him feel better as he thought about what you're doing right now.
at around 9.45pm in king's cross station, you have entered the platforms and guide your luggage down the long path. your eyes looking back at your phone to see the seat number that has been booked under your name. pressing the button to open the door, you picked up the luggage with both hands on the handle and you then walked towards the luggage compartment, placing your suitcase there before bringing your backpack to the overhead compartment of your seat by the window. peering outside, you are met with the brick walls of the station, another set of trains across from you as you feel your eyes closing. the heaviness in your heart is relieved because of your talk with heeseung. and whilst you wait for the other passengers, you reach for your messenger bag to find the pride and prejudice that has heeseung's signature on it. but your focus is on your journal as you update your day as fast as possible before tiredness consumes you. from the ups and downs and all, you write it down so that when you read the entry, you will remember exactly what the memory is in your mindâscenes will show in your mind. you try your best to do so until your train departed. looking back at your clock, you can't help but think about heeseung now, whose plane has already taken off.
around 10.000 feet above the earth's surface, the plane is one hour into the 13-hour non-stop flight to seoul. heeseung sits in the soft cushions of his business class seatâcourtesy of his company's hospitalityâas he look at the screen to find out that the plane was now flying above switzerland. even with the dimmed lights to let people sleep, he couldn't feel the droopiness in his eyes, and so, he pressed the control to open the in-flight entertainment. maybe a movie can help him sleep.
scrolling through the list of movies in korean and in english, he looked at the poster one by one before stopping at one. the colour on the poster is pastel with pink being the dominant colour. there are two people on it. the girl is lying on top of the guy's lap, staring into each other's eyes. heeseung's sight moved to the typography beside the two people: before sunrise.
the very movie that you mentioned reminds you of this whole ordeal. the movie that you are adamant for him to watch. the movie that made you compare him to the male character. and hearing the way you comment about it makes him curious about how those two characters decide to travel a city together. to let him be curious as to how these two can create feelings like the way you both have for each other, even if shown through gestures and kisses. and so, he sets up his seat and puts the wired earphones into the jack that his seat provides, carefully wearing them.
then, with the poster of before sunrise right there and its synopsis that he had skim readâhis promise to you rings in his mind, remembering your face before him. heeseung presses the play button.
