writings from a chrysanthemum.

j.t.l | thoughts from the daydreamer and the late night thinker • my open diary. message me!

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

All this time you were thinking that I moved on, but you should know that I was waiting for you

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

here comes's that feeling again of wanting to move out of my small town and starting over somewhere far, far away from here

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

Keeping you around after the way you hurt me would’ve been a disservice to myself and my heart.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I found myself questioning the value you were adding to my life when it became apparent how difficult it was for you to be happy for me. Seems like you were just used to having me there to cheer you on every time something good happened to you. Without question I was always genuinely happy for you even if things weren’t going exactly well in my own life. But I just never got that same kind of support in return when I started reaching my own milestones. And that speaks volumes.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I keep wondering. The universe wouldn’t keep two people apart if they were meant to be together in the end, right?

j.t.l | why do I keep hoping that we’ll find our way back to each other

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

The more I’m with you, the more nervous I get realizing that you’re exactly what I’ve wanted. I should be excited about how much I like you, but truthfully I’m terrified. Because what happens when I go for it and I let you in, but then I do something stupid and self-sabotage it? Because I’ve done that before. I get scared. I want it so much that instead of going for it I would almost rather not have it - because that way I can’t fuck it up and I can’t get mad at myself.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I didn’t know what to say when you asked me how I’d been since the last time we’d talked. Truthfully, my heart broke two different times that year, once at the very beginning and then later on at the very end. The second heartbreak came unexpectedly and I met him when I was still healing from you. For so long it felt like you were always stuck there in the back of my mind and that was really painful for me. But then he came into my life by chance and he became my distraction from you. I liked him, i really did. But at the same time I knew I was still looking for the things that you and I used to do together, and I looked for those things in him. But he didn’t like the same songs we listened to, and we didn’t have those same late night conversations like we used to in your car. He was different than you, and by the time I realized how much I liked that, it was over. At some point I got over you. But somewhere along the way I also ended up losing him. 

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I hope that with this new year ...you find whatever it is that you’ve longingly been looking for ...you heal from all your heartache ...you finally stop blaming yourself for things not working out the way you wanted them to ...you continue to grow and challenge yourself ....that what’s meant to be yours will beautifully fall into place for you.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I forgot to remember to forget you.

-oth

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

this time last year, autumn was different.

and we weren’t strangers.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I think about him still. But not in the I’m still in love with him kind of way. I think about how it felt slowly falling for someone, and I miss the way it made me feel.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

I’m not sure if I was asking for too much, but I was looking for people who really understood me, and just people I didn’t feel the need to consistently explain myself to. I was looking for someone who knew my heart and knew my intentions. Someone who didn’t make me feel bad for doing things differently or for being a good person. I was looking for someone who understood all that.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

You have to understand that sometimes closure will come in ways that we don’t want it to and in ways that we aren't ever prepared for. I know it's hard to accept, but nevertheless that's still closure.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

Maybe it’s time to stop pretending like everything is always okay. Maybe it’s time to stop sugar coating everything for the sake of not hurting other people’s feelings. I feel that people surround themselves around me because I’ve always tried my best to be unproblematic, positive, goodhearted, and considerate. These are not bad qualities, and I will never make myself feel bad for being a good person. But being too good of a person to people who consistently disrespect you after everything that you’ve done for them, only ends up hurting you in the end. 

j.t.l 

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

These days you don’t cross my mind as often anymore and it’s freeing. I’m still teaching myself to not get so stuck in the past, and to instead focus on everything I have in front of me and everything that’s still to come. There’s no way of knowing what my future will hold - and while everything about that leaves me uneasy and frightened, I also feel very excited knowing that the best things in my life probably haven’t happened yet. It’s cliche, I know, but really though that’s how you get yourself through it. You keep moving forward and you don’t waste any more days dwelling on what could’ve been or what you could’ve done differently.

j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

You always owed me an apology but I’m the one who ended up saying sorry. And that fucked me up.

People who constantly feel the need to justify their actions instead of admitting that they were wrong - I cannot with them. Time and time again these people proved that apologizing is something they’re incapable of, and out of fear of confrontation, eventually I accepted it. Without even realizing it, I became numb to the things they did that once actually hurt me the most. Their consistent inability to make me feel better after telling them that they had hurt me just really made me feel like I was the one who should be sorry; sorry for revealing my feelings to them in the first place and sorry for not keeping them to myself instead. I went on like that for so long. But I know better now. I’m still working on it, and I’m still in the process of coming back from all that. I guess if anything, I feel bad that these kinds of people grew up with such demented thinking: that they’re always and always will be right. I feel sorry that they’ll live the rest of their lives so overdue on so many apologies owed. I will never understand why these people think that justifying their actions completely fixed the situation as opposed to admitting their faults. They see that we’re hurt, bothered, and affected by their actions but then they give these persuasive reasons to fix our thoughts into thinking that we are wrong for expecting an apology from them. Deflection. And it worked every time.

-j.t.l

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

not that anyone probably cares but I updated my “About Me” page! LINK DOWN BELOW 

https://writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum.tumblr.com/aboutme