writings for noone

[writingtorememberance]

I like staring at the girls who get the guys I want.

The girls with the perfect hair and perfect smiles the girl that maybe stare at themselves in the mirror and hate everything they see.

I'm listening to the girls who are mentally okay, the ones who are stable enough to have a relationship the ones that don't suck the god damn life out of everyone around them.

I watch the way they smile and tuck their hair behind their ears and the way they laugh and the way they take the turns in conversation and don't piss other people off and their accomplishments and their god damn self confidence and I wonder if I'll ever be that person.

I wonder if I'll ever be the kind of person that boys shamelessly flirt with, or if every time someone gets close to me I'll shudder. If I'll be able to move further than my mind. If I wont spend hours picturing someone's hands on my body and then want to run away as soon as they stand next to me.

If I'll ever find someone who looks at me like I'm the most beatiful person they've ever seen, if I'll ever find someone who wants to wake up next to me and hold me when I cry or if that's an impossibility for me. I'm not capable of finding love or being loved and that's the way it is.

[writingtorememberance]

I miss her so much I miss her like I would miss skin from my body

Through emotional frosts she warmed and surrounded through fire and rain she went first to fight for me.

She was my number one girl my number one star the one who loved me so much she said A room could not hold my love for you, a building not either my love stretches farther than the planets.

But when Jupiter aligned with Saturn you felt the planets had led you astray and that maybe you could see anymore of your love than what lay in your hand.

We said I love you more than there are grains of sand, but perhaps or love like sand castsles that dry on a sunny day slowly drift away and lose their shape until they are nothing but puddles of the sand on earth

[writingtorememberance]

Crying in my car in front of fruizen

Standing shivering with the faucet turned all the way right, mixing human saline with filtered and purified expensively shipped and heated h2o.

Spilling myself out all over the floor, hoping some of me finds my way back to her. Hoping maybe my salt deposits will mix with hers underground somewhere. Hoping some of me can find myself home to her.

I drive slowly past where I know she and her friends will be partying, not to see but to listen to her favorite songs and know she's happier without me. Remember how she used to leave those parties because she said coming home to me was more fun than any party. Remember how lovey she was when drunk. Remember that the first party I went to with her she buried her face in my chest and cried that she and her ex had broken up.

I wonder who she's crying into now. I wonder if she has even cried at all over me. Why does all my stuff smell like her, why does everything remind me of her. What do her friends think of me, what is she saying about me.

Is she not telling people because it's no big deal. Do her friends tell her that none of them liked me anyway. Does she agree?

I can't stop picturing worst case scenarios and wanting to light myself on fire.

There's no end to this poem because I never thought we would end.

[writingtorememberance]

I think its really cute when people still wear their retainer, its kind of like still believing in the tooth fairy. Wide eyed and grinning their spirit not yet turned tired and bitter against the world.

The world to them is a giant lollipop the size of their face, rainbow tinted sweetness to my dark licorice heart. 

I met a boy like this, his eyes flickered like tiny candles when he looked at me and a grin was ever stretched across his open face.

He was sunshine and he fucking destroyed me.

Took me into his life like you would put plastic cutlery in your backpack. Waiting there to be used until all the tines have broken, you finally go to eat a salad and your fork is but a nub.I was left a worn out stub buy one get on free icecream voucher lost deep in your pockets, went through the wash a few times. 

Boy with the sun for eyes, warms all he touches but in his wake leaves reckless fires.

[writingtorememberance]

When the boy doesn't love you

1. Turn off your phone, staring at the screen won't make him message you back. Walk the other way to class, no good will come from hanging around his haunts hoping to catch a glimpse. 2. Surround yourself with people who love you. There are so many people who see you as a beautiful ray of light, why waste your time with someone who doesn't think you sparkle. Life's too short to feel bad about someone else's poor taste. 3. Go outside, watch a sunset, ride a bike, draw a picture, go on a hike. Lose yourself in life, soon you won't have any time to miss him. 4. Give yourself compliments, write them in a journal, write them on your wall. Compliment the shit you're insecure about, then work on believing it. 5. Give yourself time, there will be others, he is not your stars or your sun. You have so much worth regardless of whether other people see it. Keep nourishing your soul, you don't need any more weeds.

[writingtorememberance]

I knew I was falling because I thought even the grocery store might be fun if I had your hand in mine

[writingtorememberance]

“not in a good place”

I fall asleep dreaming about knives

the places I could puncture to extract the most pain 

I clutch at the hollow space inside me, aching for love, for peace, for wholeness.

the tired girl inside me shrinks back from angry yells, why can’t you be good enough, why can’t you just do it right the first time, why, why why

Shes hurt but she knows that she can’t stop fucking up, she’ll never be enough, be right. Each night she prays to the gods of psychiatry, please send me a potion that will make me whole, that will make me feel alive. She yearns for the day that she gets up on her own and lives life and loves herself. But the world is cruel and that day may never come.

How much crueler is it to imagine killing your inner child than killing yourself

she who just wants love, who wants someone to hold her hand, she who goes searching in the dumpster for affection because theres no more options.

Only a monster could hate that girl, a girl with golden intentions and a heart the size of the sun

Who am I, when I hate myself, hurt myself and punish myself

and god damn it 

how do I stop

[writingtorememberance]

sitting on a borrowed bed, in a foreign city, I cried.

I spilled hot tears for the girl I used to be, the girl I wanted to be 

poured out water for who I had let myself become and the ways I had tried to fill the empty cracks inside me

trying to fill in my gaps and not knowing how, seeking refuge in dangerous places, cutting myself by running into others knives.

my soul, my self, my pride is a shattered mess on the floor. I lost myself looking for love in other people, looking for wholeness in people that only wanted parts of me. 

I sold my body to the devil in exchange for a conversation, lit my clothes on fire trying to keep warm, choked on the flames but then came back for more.

I’m trying to fix myself but maybe I’m too shattered to to glue myself back together again.  

[writingtorememberance]

Her

My friends are mad because I'm spending all my time with her but I don't know how to tell them that she's the only person who makes me feel alive. That when I'm with her I'm invincible, no one can hurt me and nothing bad exists. I'm a firm believer that no one can make you feel anything but by God she makes me feel better than anyone's ever made me feel ever. Her thin lips, her soft hips, I'm addicted to her coconut shampoo and her little gasp when I kiss just under her ear. Her tiny hands running red lines down my back, sleep warm and dragging me closer to drowsy body, Her bright eyes hidden by droopy lids, her unrelenting rationality, dad jokes, the way she pretends to forget how many articles of clothing I've stolen from Her. Her. Just everything. I love everything about her and I'm choking the words back everything she looks at me with her cute little grin.

[writingtorememberance]

She tastes like sadness and like coming home

-"I'm trying to move on but I really don't want to"

[writingtorememberance]

orange peel love

you know when you’re doing fine and everything is fine but then all of a sudden you’re not doing fine. You come home and the girl you like is sitting on your floor singing rhythms for music theory class and you know she’s in here and not next door for a reason but you’re not sure why because she hasn’t looked at you all night. Not in a nervous kind of shy way but in the way that one does when they genuinely don’t give a shit. And you can’t stop picturing her with her tongue down another girls throat because you know that’s what she was doing at 4:30 pm today. 4:30 used to be the time you sat in the hammock together and talked about life and what happens when we die but lately she’s been sneaking off to flirt with other girls and brush lips with other girls and have sex with other girls. She still gives you the 11:25pm late night hw sessions in her bathrobe, invites you to come get coffee while a local band plays but you know if you decline she’s going to come home with another girl and not even really look too sad about it. How many layers to this onion can you peel back. Should you read this as a contrived process to avoid getting hurt, because you’re the one that could break her. She cares too much for you already, if she cares anymore she might shatter. If you get closer to the supernova that is her being it could end in fiery death for both of you and no one wants that. Is she pushing you away because she loves you too much or not enough. You’re getting the orange rinds of her love, the discarded sad fleshy bits that no one else wants. She’s peeling back her outer layers and letting you see the flaky whites that she won’t share with others, because she knows you won’t leave, because she knows you can’t leave. No matter how far you run you always have to come back home and when your home is on fire the only person there to put it out is you. 

[writingtorememberance]

you liked me because i’m a girl

One who could be called pretty

 a girl you have to see often 

a queer girl.

you liked me because I was convenient, easy for you to stargaze in the crevices of my face.

I liked you because the sun shines out of your eyes

because when you smile its like everything is going to be okay

because I can’t stop picturing my mouth on your neck

but when we got drunk you got busy trying to put your vodka mouth on someone else’s lips, trying to hold someone else’s hips.

I keep trying to wash your hand print off my fingers, the feeling of your palm pressed to mine, because thats allowed.

We’re you not touching me because that’s not allowed or because you didn’t want to.

Are we still friends because you don’t actually like me or because you honestly want to stick with being friends

 or do you know that you torch everything good in your life and you’re trying to protect your home from going up in flames.

[writingtorememberance]

you don’t love me and I’m alone in my room

you don’t love me and tommorow I’m getting new glasses

you still wont love me but next week I’ll try a new flavor of ice cream and laugh at someones joke so hard that water pours from my eyes

in one month you still wont love me but I’ll run through a field at 2am laughing with my friends and you will be the furthest thing from my mind

its one year later and I know you don’t love me

but I don’t think about you anymore because I don’t love you anymore either

[writingtorememberance]

my lungs are coughing blood

spit meant for your face is stuck on my tongue

your face is red

in my vision green

and I cant go to sleep until my voice can sing

Loving you was like loving a fire

kept me warm but it destroyed my life

you never helped restore my soul

but stretched pockmarked holes inside the folds

I can’t let you go

you’re stuck up on my soul

though kissing your lips is like drinking kerosene

I can’t let you go

though my heart is longing so

to be free of your daggered hands

warm and tender smile

I would walk on coals for miles

just to hear your crackly laugh

but you don’t seem to care

though I’m always standing there

you are trapped by some other girls eyes

(Chorus)

(hook)

and through the night my fever breaks

and your eyes just look like stone

I finally see, a future clear

where I’m not trapped in your bones

ohhh woahhhh ohh woahhh

trapped inside your bones

(chorus)

[writingtorememberance]

I hate you and I’ve never met you

personality pieced together from facebook photos and tagged posts.

I resent you, though you have done nothing to me.

I hate that you already mean more to them that I ever did, and all you did was exist. 

That your mere existence was enough to break down their barriers, that you didn’t have to learn a new instrument, scrape all the skin off your leg and carry your bloody beating heart around for 3 months to matter.

I hate that your short black hair was just the right length for them to invision running their fingers through.

That your dark eyes flipped their stomach funny without you even opening your math.

That no matter how hard I work, they won’t look at me the way they look at you.

I fucking hate you.

[writingtorememberance]

Secrets

stole some marbles at age three

stole a kiss at seventeen 

drank some whiskey told a lie, pretended it was scrabble night 

smoked some weed and ran a red

cops got called,was not  in bed

I have never told a lie, just said facts that weren’t quite right

Secrets are rotting in my throat, climbing my esophagus and forcing me to choke

Secrets are poison to the soul

truth’s too dark too dangerous to hold 

[writingtorememberance]

Violent love

Her love is like chains 

Chaffing my wrists and my stomach 

Her love needs me home at midnight

 Won’t let me leave the house

 Her love is jealous, overwhelming, all consuming 

Her love is a tsunami wave that is impossible to escape

 Her love is poking at my wounds 

Her love is over caring, smothering, a pillow held to my face

 When i yell, “I’m suffocating" 

She crys, the weeping widow 

"I love you” is her excuse 

She can’t imagine that she could hurt me because she thinks her love is as gentle as wisteria vines and as strong as a maple 

But her love is thick like brambles and its thorns are poison, they kill everything they touch. 

I can’t escape because I need it, 

I need her to survive,

 I just need her farther away. 

I wish I didn’t need her but I do

 She’s killing me slowly, but without her how fast does death approach.