written observations

my general ramblings and some fiction/non-fiction, prose

[writtenobservations-blog]

i haven’t written in a long time, but i think with the summer fast approaching i will be able to start writing down my ramblings again.

[writtenobservations-blog]

You're a really intense person. You've trespassed my personal information. You've broken the last few threads of trust that I had for you. Our relationship as we both knew it is over. 

[beautifulhappiness-blog]

it’s good to know where you’re at.

it’s nice to learn that you’re needed by another person. usually the big fear is that you’ll care for them or need them more than they need you. you never think about in reverse. you never think that you’re so crazily special to someone and they really do need...

[writtenobservations-blog]

wow, it's funny that you guys are always putting me down. good

GOOD FRIENDSHIPS. woo

[writtenobservations-blog]

i like him a lot, and that's the most terrifying thing in the world

[writtenobservations-blog]

thanks mom. i got into my first university; albeit, it was my backbackbackup. at least i got in, early acceptance too. i told you, hoping you'd be happy and at least say congratulations. i texted you even though you're halfway across the world and all you said was "other universities will accept" and asked me other general questions. 

thanks.

[writtenobservations-blog]

literally, it's SO WEIRD. i find it so weird that you guys are dating now. not because i didn't see it coming that you would start dating and definitely not because i still have feelings for you; however, i honestly just think that it's the timing that is freaking me out. i'm super close to getting a new boyfriend. it's weird that we're both starting out in new, fresh relationships at the same time with different people.  

i also find it kinda strange that i know how you are with girls, and she hasn't a clue. i know that you're clingy and all that jazz, and maybe that's eased up a lot since we broke up. you certainly don't have the same reservations that you used to about many things. maybe, it'll be better for her. i hope it is. truly, i hope that no one has to go through what you put ME through. though, i do think that some of the conflicts could have been avoided if i had given in. i think that you're better now and i'm really happy for you. 

i'm also happy for me! i'm (hopefully) going to be starting a new relationship with someone i do really like and i know i'm going to be happy. 

i'm going to promise myself that i won't make the same mistakes with him that i did with you and that i'm not going to let us have the same problems that i used to have with you. 

good luck with her, and i mean that in the nicest possible way

[writtenobservations-blog]

Sometimes I forget that my mom was once a teenager too. She used to have her group of friends who she shared her secrets, crushes and time with. They probably used to love getting all dressed up for special occasions, just like my friends and I. 

Well tonight she's going out and she put so much effort into getting all dressed up and she looks really pretty. She even called me in to ask if she looked okay. Such a typical girly move. 

I think I need to forget that my mom is my mom sometimes and just see her for what she truly is/was. Just a girl, just a woman who is living her life and still enjoys the little simple things like getting ready to go out. 

Mom, you look really pretty tonight! Love you. 

[writtenobservations-blog]

It’s literally 2 am and we just got back from a long day. I can hear mom talking to dad and she’s swearing and saying that he has ‘no sense’, that he’s ‘completely mad’ and he’s ‘crazy’. Just get a divorce already. I hate you two together when all you do is fight. I really don’t want dad to be alone but honestly you’re just wearing him down. Fuck off out of our lives or grow the fuck up and get help.

[writtenobservations-blog]

but that was then, this is now

that was then, and this is now. 

it's incredibly windy and cold out. it's a monday. i loved mondays. monday was our day. your body would keep me warm as we snuggled and kissed under the covers. 

but that was then, and this is now. i only have my thoughts to keep me company and warm showers to provide the heat that i desire and have lost. 

i remember you telling me that you were getting a cat. i used to tell you how i would play with it everyday and that your family would have to get used to me being over all the time. 

but that was then, and this is now. you got your new kitten today and i'm steering clear and keeping my distance from you, your family and your house.

tomorrow is the university fair. this time last year, we went to the fair together. we were trying to wrap our heads around the idea of university. i was excited as anything and couldn't wait to do all of my research. 

but that was then, and this is now. tomorrow is the university fair. i'm overwhelmed with all the information and studying and research i have to do. but i'm ready. i'm ready for a change. 

we used to walk home together. hand in hand. talking about everything. 

but that was then, and this is now. and now, you have a new companion to walk home with. 

[writtenobservations-blog]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOWOWOWOW blaming me for my insane math teacher. THAT'S FUCKING COOL TOO. go fuck yourself.

[writtenobservations-blog]

The Man in the Toothpaste Aisle

I went to the grocery store the other day and decided that I needed a new toothpaste, different from the one I’d been buying for months now. I wandered away from my mom who was shopping for that night’s dinner and made my way ti the ‘Oral Hygiene’ section of the supermarket. For a few moments I browsed alone and then a man showed up and started to look at toothpastes too. He was obviously looking for a new one because at first he instinctively reached out for a package without reading it, sighed and placed it back down on the shelf. He started to look at other brands too. We spent a few silent minutes reading and comparing labels of formulas which claimed that they’d e able to whiten our teeth in “just three weeks” or some that would keep our breath minty fresh for “up to 12 hours”. It seemed crazy to spend so much time looking for toothpaste, but we kept standing there, possibly looking for the perfect product that didn’t even exist. Finally, we both grabbed at a package and walked off in opposite directions. My guess is that he took his regular toothpaste that he had been using for months. Why? Because that’s exactly what I did.

[writtenobservations-blog]

Everything is just so backwards. I'm not doing well in school, I'm complaining and venting more than you are (which is probably pissing the SHIT out of my friends) and I'm generally in a constant state of missing people. You, on the other hand, are happy and enjoying life. You're not missing me at all. I know this by the way you ignore me and look through me like a glass pane. The hardest part is that you know me so well and you probably know how guilty and bad and sad I feel whenever I see you. Even stranger still, I'm supposed to be over you. You're definitely over me, judging by how you almost dated that girl and liked one of my friends. Remember how we talked about us not being fully over each other? You said that you're 99% over it and that the 1% will probably never go away? Well, the percentage seems to be increasing on my part for the latter option. It's funny that even through the lies, the control, the clinginess, the jealousy and the constant guilt trips, I still can manage to care about you so much. That either makes me EXTREMELY lenient or a pathetic mess.

[writtenobservations-blog]

things wrong right now

1. failed a test

2. going to fail a test tomorrow

3. missing my ex

4. not really missing my ex but missing the idea of him

5. falkjdsflasjdlfjslakdjjlsf

6. i'm never going to get into university

7. consequently never getting into med school

8. i need to kiss my doctor dreams goodbye... NOW

[writtenobservations-blog]

wowowowoowowowowowow date me. 

(it's great how that's dedicated to like 3 guys out there)

[writtenobservations-blog]

I'm so angry at you, all of you. I am in a permanent state of disbelief. 

[writtenobservations-blog]

last night in bed, i lay there looking up at the ceiling, trying to give myself a pep talk. it was your run of the mill, single girl, pep talk which outlined all the pros of being single. i then tuned in to a deeper, underlying issue that i have. i keep trying to change myself to fit a boy's criteria of their "perfect" girl. i have to realize that there's no way that i'm going to or even can change. if someone says that their dream girl is tall and athletic, i can't force myself to join every sports team for a guy and there's no way that i'm getting any taller. if he wants someone curvy, i'm not going to eat a bunch of junk food to put some curves on me. there's no way that i can change myself to fit a guy's needs. i have to realize that i probably fit the blueprint of someone's dream girl. finding him is the challenge, but changing who i am isn't the solution. 

i remember, sometimes, when guys would like me i'd be surprised because i wouldn't understand why they did. i wasn't outright flirting with them nor was i giving them any hints that i was at all interested. i couldn't understand it. but yesterday, it all clicked. i wasn't trying to be anyone other than who i actually am and i fit their blueprint.