Love people, regardless.

thoughts I could never articulate with my own mouth

[wroteabout]

I guess I'll stay as the polite niece, sister, member of that family forever.

[quotemadness]

Part of surviving is being able to move on.

Alexandra Bracken

[quotefeeling]

“Are you ever so sad that you can actually feel your heart ache.”

— Unknown

[wroteabout]

If this goes to down the drain, again.

There are very few people in my life whom I would allow to share my burdens with me. I have carefully chosen them over time due to the strong bond we share and the reciprocated efforts I receive.

The fear of welcoming new individuals into my life stems from my desire to reveal my true self to them while simultaneously dreading the prospect of involving them in chaos. I'm afraid of being abandoned once more because being myself can be inconvenient and disorderly.

That's why every time I'm starting to get attached to someone or when other people start to get comfortable with me, I would either push them away or I would run away. Because I am difficult to love, I know everybody is. But in my case, I have seen people drop me every time I get too crazy. And I don't want that ever again.

So, if all of this goes down the drain again, dang it. I would never try again.

[wroteabout]

frightening

At first, it was more of a favor and a skill to be granted such composure even when under pressure, making significant decisions, attending events, and doing other things that would admittedly affect the upcoming events of my life. But as I have grown accustomed to this state, not even an inch of zeal exists to outgrow it anymore. Oh, how undeniably frightening it is to live with such complacency and idleness as time goes by every day, knowing there is still so much to be done at this particular time of my life. With full knowledge that I should be doing something more that would prepare me. But instead, I became comfortable with being a procrastinator, let alone being mediocre.

[wroteabout]

Heeeeey

[wroteabout]

There were days that I just wanted to shut my eyes because sleeping seemed to be a better state than being awake. I am so drowned in this heaviness inside of me, but I have no way of escaping it. Life is just so exhausting. I badly want to stop breathing, just drop it all, and be gone. I know running away and dying is easier, but why would I take the hard road? Why would I choose that? How come everyone's lives seem to move and progress, but I and my family are stuck with the same situation over and over again? Things just kept repeating themselves. It is exhausting. There is no progress or change. The only thing that changed is that I am getting angrier day by day, and it is not good for me; it is killing me slowly. I want to sleep longer. I want the nights to be longer. I want to sleep during the day. And I want people to leave me alone. I am drowning, but do I want to be rescued, or am I just fine with drowning? Maybe soon I'll be able to learn to just breathe underwater instead of swimming up the coast.

[thoughtkick]

“You’re so calm and quiet, you never say. But there are things inside you. I see them sometimes, hiding in your eyes.”

— Unknown

[wroteabout]

if only someone could see it

[wroteabout]

Dear life, let me fall in love with you again.

[wroteabout]

If things take a turn for the worse, I don't think someone would actually take me. All my life, my brain was wired with such resilience that I thought I didn't have any insecurities, traumas, or issues growing up until I became an adult.

I realized I was just coping with everything that had happened to me since I was a kid. My brain is wired for resilience, and I am grateful for that somehow, but now that I am growing old, it's like the drug is slowly wearing off. Things flip me whenever. I get angry, and it happens most of the time. And I think growing up, I knew I was bullied, overlooked, and not preferred. I knew that full well. Maybe because we are not that able (financially) and I am a weird kid, I could get along with everyone, which is why it's easier to overlook me. But I was never bullied because my parents were separated. I was never bullied for having a stepfather. Because of resilience. I was bullied, and I was conscious of it, but I never acted like one; I never acted like a victim. I am presented as the bully sometimes, maybe because I have this tendency to lead people or because I am looked up to.

But I can read between the lines; I can sense the energy; I can read the room. I am not naive or stupid. I know I am not preferred in all things. I am not the best in academics, sports, extracurricular activities, school, friendships, leadership roles, or even family matters. I am merely mediocre. I am not the best, and probably the worst and best thing is that I know it. I know I am not.

[quotefeeling]

“It’s OK to live a life others don’t understand.”

— Unknown

[thoughtkick]

“I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life.”

— Virginia Woolf

[wroteabout]

The Drug is Wearing Off

I feel nauseous.

I am angry. I am enraged, but I don't know the reason behind this anger. I don't know my tendencies; everything triggers me now. Maybe because it was all built up on the inside. I want to point out the unsaid frustrations, but every time I try to start talking about them, it goes a long way because they are rooted somewhere in my past.

The anger I fail to express, the words I fail to articulate, the circumstances where I should have taken a stand but ended up silencing myself It angers me because the only one who suffers the most is me. My chest hurts, my body aches, I feel nauseous, and I am unstable and distracted.

The ability to convey my feelings faded when I started to learn how to suppress them. But the act is now wearing off, like a drug. I could feel it in my being—the effect of pretending and suppressing. And now I need to walk through it and deal with it. But Lord, I will hold on to Your Word that Your grace is sufficient in my weakness. And I believe this even in this phase or state I am in right now. Please make it bearable because I think I am about to lose my mind.

[wroteabout]

How can we even cry our hearts out now that we're old?

[wroteabout]

I need to be contented with just wanting you but not having you. I need to settle into this situation that we are just friends, I am just a friend.

I need to stop daydreaming about something that would never happen. I need to get a grip on the reality that, what we are now, is all that we can ever be. Nothing more.

But give me some time, I am still halfway in taking a step to totally walk away from wanting you.

[wroteabout]

[wroteabout]

I don't know.

Did you ever come to the point in your life when you asked yourself, "Do any of these matter? Am I on the right track? Am I living the life that I should be living? Am I happy? Am I well? Am I okay? Am I? Well, I don't know.

When you thought you knew everything was okay, When you thought you were heard. When you thought you were valued. When you thought you were doing something. When you thought all of these were making sense. When you thought you knew all things. When you thought you were happy.

When you thought that all those thoughts were real.

I don't think I missed the point, I don't think I didn't ask for help, and I don't think I am impossible. But as the days go by, it feels like, in the end, everything I could think of is,

WELL,

I

D O

N O T

KNOW.

I DON'T.