hungry wulf

writing blog of bscb.

[wulfism]

I am burning, but fire doesn't scare me anymore, and I think you should keep that in mind. Previous masters have thrown me to the coals far too many times to count; I never burned on my behalf. But there is something snake-like and insidious in your eyes; and you are wound all around him, thick with it. You hiss and spit at my scars and my weak spots, so obvious, (so blatant to someone who spends his time seeking pressure points.) But you fail to know that he earned my love tenfold, and none of your poison will breach what has grown in me. I'm just a hound, but I am his. I would throw myself into war with you if only he whispered for it. (I would break myself to fight you; I would take every ounce of poison you could manage and even if it killed me, I would never let you see fear in my eyes.) Know that your crimes, smothered by the past, will never leave my nerves, I have faced too many fears for you to be able to draw shivers from me, because I am full of a rage so fucking strong that me and this inferno are synonymous, I am peeling back old scar tissue, I am baring teeth, I am firm at his side, hackles bristling, a growl rolling in my chest, I am unafraid, I am unyielding, I am the blood you will lose if you fucking hurt him again, and I am smoking you out of our lives with everything I have, I am just a hound, but I am his, I am his, I am his, and he is no longer yours.

ii. a flame | bscb

[wulfism]

I knew there was an itch in my spine when I laid trust in this foundation. I was still bound in chain and collar, ever-obedient at my master's side. There was an illusion of freedom here, but you can't lie to a dog like me. This angel came to me with soft palms lain with scar tissue, and showed me all the weak points on my chains, the latch of my collars, the way I could free myself. I siezed every point in my teeth and ripped until it gave; I won my freedom with my blood and my tears, and I was too focused on my escape to realize what I was running towards. But this angel never faltered; he took me, with my pelt gapped with scars, with my tendencies to flinch and to sleep in restless snatches, and he loved me regardless. That love filled the cracks left by others, and I knew it was real you can't lie to a dog like me. And then there's you; the itch in my spine that I remembered too late, when you grasped my hips hard enough to bruise and whispered; "I'll hurt you all I want, and no one will know," ("You're showing your throat,") and I recognized the hunger, the snake-tongued hiss, I knew all at once that you weren't to be trusted, but I didn't falter. I weaselled my way out and you played sweet, but you can't lie to a dog like me. You told me you would make sure I feared you, but you were speaking to a hound, one who'd broken every last chain to hold it back, one who's love had been won and not wrangled, by the angel that you treated like a throw-away. You soften your words and you press gentle kisses to win him back, but you can't lie to a dog like me. You had the audacity to hurt him and turn it on him, you played games with him when you were bored, you poked and prodded and fucking blamed him; and when he was hurt, you relished in it. You know your manners when you need them, and you masquerade what you think he wants, but he can see it clearer now because you can't lie to a dog like me. When he leaves you, know I am at his side. Bound by nothing but the love he's woven into me, know that none of your words will ever lure him back to you, know that I will break myself against you, (Tooth, and claw, and blood, and rage) if you step any closer. Know that this angel is mine; (only so long as he wants to be) and know that I am his hound; honor-bound and ever-present. I have broken chains before; I imagine you aren't tougher than metal. You say I will fear you, that I will flinch from your hands, That I will not be able to keep him safe; but you can't lie to a dog like me.

i. a hound | bscb

[wulfism]

I am rotting, darling, there was once something alive in me, but it has long since died, and now leaves the skeletal remains of what was once familiar. I swear, I know it's gone. But I remember so vividly how it felt when it was alive; writhing, hot, frothing, crawling up my nerves, carving it's name into my bones. I will never forget it.

trauma | bscb.

[wulfism]

Mama, sometimes I think of dyin', And it isn't for lack of tryin', But somehow I always get bogged down. Lotsa hands have had their way with me, and Mama, I don't wanna see 'em on me no more. I'm so tired of this song n' dance, Mama, I feel it comin' to hunt me down. It's comin' to bring me down, To cup my face and hold me well, Go tell me I ain't gotta fight no more, It's a thing I might adore, but I'll blink and push away those palms, And I'll tell it to go back from whence it came. I don't wanna, Mama, But I'll stay here just the same.

I'm not giving up yet | bscb

[wulfism]

Rake your unholy nails down my flesh until I am no more, I don't want to hear my heartbeat, only yours, This pistol hot room is hotter for the hell it's caused me, And this, you whisper, is what I'm made to be, And nothing could have prevented this, My trust, my throat, held down by your fist, There's an elegant kind of grace in this broken smile, And walking that lonely mile, And scrubbing away the blood dripped onto the tile, You have ruined me.

just a break up | bscb

[wulfism]

When I left you, I dropped a lit match into some kindling and hoped it wouldn't take. A foolish thought, of course, but I've always prided myself on my ability to hope, and I lean on it in times such as these. You fanned that flame until it was an inferno, my love, and I watched it burn blackened holes into everything around us, We were burning, or are burning, perhaps. You speak into the void, the crackling, the smoke, As I try and blot out the embers with my hands, (They're blackened and soot-covered now,) You're crying, and the walls are smoldering around us, The curtains are going up, My shirt on your desk is burning, Your eyes are full of malice and the fire's caught in the welling tears, And I'm heaving through smoke-lined lungs, God, I hope hearts heal like broken bones do, because whilst you've been destroying everything around us, I've taken off my clothes and have been smothering the flames with all I have. I left because of this, I left because I didn't want to be consumed, I left because I felt afraid, But I started this fire. You're unscrewing the cap on some gasoline, and I'm closing my eyes.

we are burning, my love | bscb

[wulfism]

Lay on me, my love, and sleep Know that I will not stray, nor will I sink into a moment's rest as you do, I will watch the wood and the water, shall keep calm, shall be vigilant in your protection, Keen-eyed and at peace knowing I will keep you safe. For you are something like a moon, or a star; It must have hurt to become, (and to continue to become, because becoming yourself is a perpetual process) And I will be forever watchful and patient as you do, Sing you gentle songs when times are darkest, my dear, Forever wolven-hearted for you.

it's three am and you're asleep on my chest | bscb

[wulfism]

Willingly, I am consumed by this All mist filling the air and drenching us, swirling water crashing against rock, the roar filling all the empty spaces between the trees, And all the empty spaces between my ribs, And yet the clearest sound is still your laugh. Yours, and my own. Bliss does not allow for quietness, I've learned, Instead she watches us from where she perches on nearby branches and smiles, twirling her fingers as we look at each other and laugh, Unable to stop (not that we want to; we have both yearned for this) Maybe she knows we both needed it. I have been given answers to questions that lingered in my throat, my chest, my stomach; I have never believed happiness like this to be achievable, But it hums in my core now, all the atoms I am made of are vibrating with the thunder of the water, I am wondrously limitless and I am alive despite trying so hard not to be. But I won't weigh that on you, love. I am not lingering here still because anyone asked me to be, I am simply here But I open my eyes and there are the falls and you are leaning against the barrier, And I know you've led me like stars to this place where I finally understand; I am here, still, and for the first time, I have seen it as a blessing. And for that, I am thankful.

the falls with you | bscb

[wulfism]

Bombshell blonde, they call her, Possibly because her tongue is as sharp as her wit and she never believed in being seen but not heard, So she howls her words, angry, with her finger on the trigger at all times. (It is her back-up too often resorted to.) There's fear in there hiding behind rage, perhaps trying to smother love beneath a pillow, But above all is armor made of cynicism and sarcasm, Carefully guarded with snarky words and sharp smiles, Her hips are heaven and her laugh is loud and raucous, She knows how to make you love her, even if it's only for a night in a bedroom unknown to her. But take caution, stranger, For she is horrible to anger- bombshell blonde, remember? Because she will rip the earth to shreds in her wake, she will bring men and buildings to their knees, And she will not be sorry To be sorry is to admit error, and even though her explosiveness injures her more than anyone else, She winks and binds her wounds and grins with bloody teeth and swings her hips In one hand, she'll hold yours In the other, she strokes the trigger lovingly; Destruction is the sweetest thing she can give

⁃ Georgia Roberts | bscb

[wulfism]

Did you think I would always be eight years old and terrified of you? Watch how I have grown despite your negligence I have expanded through the cracks that you broke into me, I have grown wildly like ivy into every empty part of myself, I have filled the empty spaces with foliage of purpose, Where you have stolen things, I have replaced. And every ounce of it is angry at you. Every piece of me that refused to die when you rooted through my organs is now teeming with the life you tried to smother out, Where you have touched, there is scar tissue armored against you, But it has healed, the fresh wounds have closed over. But you never healed, did you? I never fought back, it was never my claws in your flesh, but someone else damaged you, I see now that you've only ever been missing things, So you tried to take all you could from anyone else and stuff those broken pieces into yourself. It was a weak attempt to right the wrong inside you. So no, I do not fear you anymore, You aren't here but your fingerprints still stain my ribs, There's a ghost of you somewhere in my closet, But I can look the pieces you've left in the eye now, and maybe that's enough.

⁃ you fucked me up, but I healed | bscb

[wulfism]

Purring speech sashays from her throat, full of sarcasm and malice and wit, She is all leather and humming rage and hard edges you could cut yourself on, Yet she holds candles and whispers philosophies she doesn't believe in (but wants to) under her breath She's vicious, and her heart is ugly as it is loving, She is no stranger to bloodletting. Yet give her something to fight for and watch as she bares her fangs, sharpens her claws and growls dares to whoever threatens her love She strides towards deaths door and knocks, because death is an old friend she has met more than once She's as beautiful as she is ugly, All bloodstained and soft, black as the night and terrible, But give her your love, and she will be your ugly thing to adore

⁃lady killer (carmilla karnstein)

[wulfism]

You can call on me, you know, my dears Like the hum of cicadas in the air or the wind through the pines, Or heartbeats aligned through sheer exposure, You can call me I cannot promise I will always be able to answer you, I will not always possess the ability to raise my banners for you, Because I am merely one creature in this world spinning ever-onward, But you have chosen to love me. And that means too much to explain in recycled words from men long dead, So instead I will promise this; Should you call me, my loves, know that there will not be a single instance that I will not try That I will not fight with every fiber, every cell of myself, That I will rail against my dying day, against the wind or the pain, against enemies even within myself, To answer your call Should I reach you, beaten and bloody, know that I will reach you with happiness still Because you are my loves, and I will do all for you, Should you call on me. - A letter to loved ones | bscb

[wulfism]

"Don't run from this," you tell me, as if I don't know everything there is to know about running As if I would ever let myself do that again I know what it's like to flee across the country, With the fibers of every muscle screaming that I am a coward But even with all that baying, something had to be louder The heart-stopping melody of fear drowned out any sense and any loyalty I had I tire of the noise of fear in my bones, so much so that it doesn't control me anymore It is merely background noise And I can feel it, even now, humming in my ear As you stare me down with the vehemence of a child And I'll raise lip, and I'll growl out words like thunder, and you'll know I will anchor myself to this spot, I will dig my fingers into the ground like roots I will tie my very being to this patch of earth Before I will allow myself to leave another loved one behind - An expert in fleeing | bscb

[wulfism]

If this is sin, I want every kiss to burn me I want it to be so beautiful that kings and gods wish it dead, I want your mouth and hands to undo me until I'm nothing but trembling atoms, I want it to hurt as much as it exhilarates I want you to cover old scripture on my bones and flesh with bruises until it is unreadable, I want you, I want you If we are sin, I want nothing more than to earn my way into hell tonight By the time we get there, I want them to know our names I want them to know we chose this love I want to march into hell, your fingers wound with my own, And know that the devil himself will call us brave - undoing the scripture and your shirt | bscb

[wulfism]

"After the war, we'll have a garden," She says, rain splattering rock, bruised fingers trembling around a cigarette. I don't know if she's telling me this to comfort me or herself. The enemy approaches with bullets on his tongue and I watch every single one of them hit her. Her blood spills over in wailing shouts and I, too cowardly, shrink against the wall This war has ravaged my home (It will take two more years before I am shipped into hostile territory, Before I will learn to love the possibility of dying Before I will refuse to allow myself to) She cries and asks me if I would like to plant cucumbers in our future garden I tell her I would love to, even if my voice is only a whisper - wartime | bscb

[wulfism]

Again, I sit next to you, and your weeping fills the halls

Heart monitors sing dirges in your presence

I am sickened by gazes softened at he edges, directed gently at me as I sit bedside with your thin hand in my own

These people mean so well, I know

"You're being so brave," they assure me.

I look down at your hallowed face and wonder;

Where do they think I learned such bravery?

Death sits on the other side of your bed, having a cigarette and flicking the ashes across us, waiting

He holds your other hand, but

He fails to realize that we've both decided this is not your time

So I squeeze your palm in my own, stare him down and whisper;

"I dare you." - another hospital visit with you | bscb

[wulfism]

My body is not a temple, because I was never religious, really I was in love with the idea of being loved by something indiscriminate But you see, when that failed me, I fought for this love I bled for this love My body is a holy battleground in which I have staked claim I have laced scars over my ribcage, my heart has been battered, my tongue is steeled and my nerves are still burning from the years-long war I waged There are no weeping women soaking up the blood from my streets, There is only me, and I welcome the imperfection, because it is not yours, or God's, and that alone is enough for me.

- learning to love myself in a way God never intended | bscb