ive been in a ~3+ month depressive spiral and i ummm ummmm i learned my acute self-esteem problems are so bad, i have gone years isolating from people i care about cus i think they dont care about me and i half-delusionally really believe that everyone thinks of me as an annoyance and they dont really spare Positive energy thoughts towards me. it's gotten so bad that my cognitive trains are jumping straight to "whats the point" and "nobody really cares" again without my coping filters to work it out before it gets to that point
and last night i learned that somehow, after many years of lite-isolating, and believing i was evil and mean and stuff. yeah i wasnt at all, like. for real. for real for real. the people reassuring me they realyl did care and were interested in things i had to say and they understood my problems, they like actually meant it and didnt have any "secret, hidden" grudges or resentment or hatred or "being nice out of obligation" stuff.
i think. i think what happened to me like 7 years ago where i learned that (Genuinely) some of my now ex-friends actually really hated and disliked me and never said anything until i swapped "main front" alters bc of a severe traumatic event. like. fundamentally fucked with my head so bad that i couldnt even trust people closest to me anymore, which i already deeply, deeply struggled with.
but even with this realization, my spiral has gone on for so long that really ive fallen back down my brain hole to borderline rock bottom!! so i have to work very very very hard to get myself back up to "ok" standards. except. maybe actually work on my self -esteem this time and hoping that . maybe if i end up sliding back again it wont be as severe
yousharknotpass
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
