RAVE SASHAYED I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO. I HAVE SEEN THE VOGUE ESPANA PICTURES OF YOUR SON, CRISTIANO RONALDO. I HAVE WATCHED THE BEHIND THE SCENES VIDEO OF HIS SPREAD WITH WITH HIS RUSSIAN SUPERMODEL LADYFRIEND. AND THEN THIS GAME OF USA VS. PORTUGAL. HIS TORTURED FACE AFTER THAT FREE KICK. THAT GODLY CROSS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING. I AM UNDONE. HE HAS RUINED ME. WHAT DO I DO NOW.
IT’S HORRIBLE ISN’T IT???? I WISH I COULD TELL YOU. Here’s what you do: now you lie awake at night wondering “Is adult millionaire professional athlete Cristiano Ronaldo okay? How is his knee? How are his anxieties? Is someone making him laugh? Has he talked to his girlfriend, supermodel Irina Shayk, recently? How is their relationship? I hope the distance isn’t putting too much strain on it. Is he eating enough? Is he beating himself up about things that WEREN’T his FAULT?????? Is he giving himself a FUCKING BREAK????? Dear Lord, please let mega-celebrity Cristiano Ronaldo be giving himself a FUCKING BREAK and feeling peaceful and comfortable right now, Amen.” People who don’t know much about soccer make some throwaway joke about Oh Cristiano Ronaldo, Isn’t He That Tan Asshole and your spine cracks involuntarily and hair sprouts from your knuckles and you roar SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!!, muffledly, through the giant teeth that now crowd your mouth because you turned into a bear. That’s your life. You’re a bear now.













