[xavier-jenny]

It feels weird maybe even wrong writing here. Even if it’s to you. I guess I just need to write how I feel about what’s going on in my life and since you were someone I known for so long I just felt like it’s okay to write to you. I know you will never read this or respond. Maybe I do want a response. Idk. Just thinking about things. Just thinking about what’s wrong with me. Maybe you’ll find out sooner or later but me and Ej aren’t working out. Not together anymore. Idk. Honestly I’m hurt and I know that I have a lot of problems but you know I just want to know that at least someone at one point truely loved me. You did once upon a time. Why did it stop? Is it because of the fianances and just being lost because I was so lost. I was so hurt and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t blame you for leaving. I just wished we parted on better terms. There are times when I think about you and wonder how you are. Is it wrong to think about you? But now I have a son to think about and another failed relationship. Three years later and I’m still a total miss. But I do hope you’re doing good. I wonder If one day we will see each other again. It be nice to catch up someday. Thanks for listening well reading this.

Love always,

Jenny

[xavier-jenny]

Sky,

It’s been 6 years. I’ll be honest and say that sometimes I don’t want to remember. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written to you in about 3 years now. I moved on and I didn’t wanted to be reminded of something from my past. But I have a son now and it’s makes me wonder what you could have become. I don’t regret the decision I made. I knew it was the best for your father and I at that time. But also know that although circumstances led me to make that decision know that’s if things were different I wanted you. I really wanted you because you had a part of both of us in you. Please don’t be angry that I’ve moved on. Please don’t be angry that I am now ready for a family and at that time I wasn’t. He’s beautiful and I love him very much. I hope you’ll watch over him like you do us.

[xavier-jenny]

Hey Xavier,

It’s been awhile. I hope you’re doing okay especially with this pandemic. I know you look at my Instagram and all and I don’t mind. Just wanted you to know that I still hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy. I also hope you’re healthy. I’m sorry how we’ve parted. I wished we parted on better terms. But know that I’m doing okay. Please be safe out there. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this or even remember we still have this but just know I just want you happy and healthy.

Love always,

Jenny

[xavier-jenny]

Happy Birthday

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope whatever happened at the hospital that you are okay. I hope you have a wonderful trip to Japan. Have a safe flight and please be safe. Happy Birthday Xavier.

[xavier-jenny]

Today’s my birthday. I’m writing this at lunch at work. I wished I could wake up to seeing your handsome face and get a good morning kiss. There’s a lot things I wished I could get from you. Not materialistic things. I want hugs and kisses. I want to hold your hand. I want you to grab my butt and say it’s yours. I just want the simplest things from you. I guess I want affection mostly. Hehehe I just miss you Xavier. But I do know that your avoiding me and although it makes me sad but I understand why. I don’t know if your afraid of us being together and falling back into that mess we were in. But I promise I won’t let it happen. I hope when you’re ready you’ll see me. So don’t make excuses and/or leaving me hanging by saying “I’ll see”. If you don’t want to see me say it because I’ll understand. I’m not asking for the world from you and I know I can be patient. I won’t say I miss you anymore because I know you already know that and I don’t want to make you feel bad. But I’ll wait and keep waiting till the time is right. I’ll also make an effort to see you as well but if I come out there and you don’t want to see me or can’t then let me know. I’ll always understand. Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday message. It was really sweet and made me super happy. I really do love you.

[xavier-jenny]

3,285 days. That’s how many days I’ve been in love with you. You may not feel that way about me anymore but I wanted to let you know. We’ve been together for 9 years and our 8th year was a struggle. I can’t always promise that we’ll always have good days. There will be disagreements and bad days but I promise to work them out with you. I promise to be there for you in the good and bad. I promise to tell you my problems. I promise to love you unconditionally like I have been for the past 9 years. I hope one day again that I’ll deserve you because I know right now you deserve the world. I hope in the future that I’ll be the woman you would be proud of again. But right now I’m just Jenny. I’m broken and lost. All I can offer you is my love and one day I can give you what you deserve. I know it’s not a really happy or special day to you anymore but Happy anniversary! I really love you Xavier Winn!

[xavier-jenny]

I’ll be honest that I was a little hurt/sad when you said you don’t even know what I like. You only named two things. I feel like after 9 yrs together. Yeah it’s been that long since I’ve met you and been in love with you that you can’t figure out the things that I like. I do understand that I’m not expressive as you but I thougjt maybe after all this time you would notice the little things about me. I know I donabout you but that’s probably how I am. I pay attention to the things you care and research things that interest you to learn more. I pay attention to your style. I guess maybe I observe more I know more. But it did make me sad to be honest.

[xavier-jenny]

I thought about you today. I’ll be honest and say that it’s been awhile since you’ve been on my mind. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I know I’m still healing or grieving you. I know that I looked up at the sky and thought of you today. I hope you are not angry or disappointed in me. I haven’t been strong since that day but I’m trying really hard to get there again. I don’t always have good days but I keep moving forward. You’re probably wondering where your father is in this picture. He’s still around but I don’t know for how long. He’s not the same man we both loved but he’s there. He’s moving forward and I’m proud of him. He probably doesn’t know it but I’m proud of him. I’m happy for him. If you’re wondering if we’re together we kinda are but mostly not. But it’s mainly my fault for being weak. I’m still trying but I think he lost hope for us. But don’t worry we’ll both be okay. I had you and you were a great blessing of our loved that we had together. You are loved by the both of us so don’t forget that.

[xavier-jenny]

Please stop making me cry

[xavier-jenny]

I want to see you. I want to hold your hand. I just want to see you.

[xavier-jenny]

I honestly had to stop myself from saying I love you. I don’t know why I kissed you before I left for work today. Honestly it felt right but I know I can’t do that. I’m so conflicted with my feelings for you. You scare me.

[xavier-jenny]

I’ll be honest with you. When we had that talk and you mentioned about a companion and a child, I kind of got my hopes up thinking we can start all over again. But as much as I would like that to happen, I know that it wouldn’t be right I guess. I want a baby but I know I’m not ready to support one yet. I can barely support myself. Plus I’m afraid that even if we tried again that you will change your mind and I would get hurt. So I kept these thoughts to myself but I know that I should had at least told you. Idk what the future holds for us. All I know is that I’m glad your still in my life even if it’s just as friends.

[xavier-jenny]

I wonder if you even remember what happened on this day. Do you feel guilty like I do?

[xavier-jenny]

You know I’ve never thought that you would delete pics of me from your social media. I didn’t think I meant so little to you that you erased me. I guess I should have know better. And you want to know what else I feel right now. I wished you respect me. I hate seeing you post shit about when you’re going to date again or who your going to date. At least have some respect for me. Do you think I wouldn’t see it? Since everything happen I feel like you just don’t care. I wished you would respect my feelings. I’m at least doing that for you. But I know that you don’t care because my feelings would never be respected by you. You say you want to be friends well be a friend and respect me. I’m trying really hard to be your friend but you don’t make it easy. None of this is easy for me. I wished I could tell you everything or show you everything I written. Then maybe you have a better understanding of how you make me feel. I just feel really angry and frustrated and mostly just hurt. It gets harder everyday just trying to be your friend. A part of me just wants to stop and erase you like you’ve been doing. But at least I have respect of what we had and I’m not here trying to hide and delete it from ever existing. I hope you never read this. I hope that you deleted this blog like your doing with everything else I was in your life. You might as well delete me from your life completely if that’s what your feeling or doing. I don’t want to be friends with someone who has no respect for my feelings or just me in general. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m not really anything to you but some girl you can still have a fuck with. I know that’s why you only visit. I know I’m to blame to because I don’t stop it but I wished maybe for once you come to see me just for me and not for a fuck. I think after everything that has happened I lost all value in myself. I feel like a cheap whore and I know that’s my fault because I never said anything. God, I really have sunken low. I let a man use me and I have lost all respect for myself. I have no one to blame but myself in that. I’m such an idiot and a loser with no self esteem. No wonder you keep coming back.

[xavier-jenny]

Mr. W

Sometimes I wished I’ve never fell in love with you so it wouldn’t hurt this much.

Jennifer

[xavier-jenny]

Mr. W

I got you a gift for your birthday. I don't know why I got you one. It's comes in next week. Seeing how things are, I doubt I would be brave enough to give it to you. I will just hold onto it. Sorry I haven't responded back for the birth certificate thing but considering you haven't reached out to me again then I guess you forgot or you already found it. Just been busy and it slipped my mind. Sorry. If you read this, I hope you're having a good vacation.

Jenny

[xavier-jenny]

I almost got into a bad car accident tonight. Pretty scary