[xctor]

I can love you just as hard as I can break your heart. I can make you feel like a king, but I won’t give you my all. You can tell me you want me, but I’ll only give you half of me. I won’t pour your coffee for you in the morning, but I will pour you a shot of hell. My arms are your warmth, not your home. My hands grasping your skin is the feeling of excitement, not making love. I won’t linger on to you when you’re out, but I am the doubt in the back of your mind telling you to go home. I won’t feed you, but I will hold your cigarette steady. I am the one you call when you’re drunk and helpless, but I will not come for you. I will mold your heart, but set it on fire. I can love you just as hard as I can break your heart.

[xctor]

reposting this from many years ago because i still think this go crazy lol. i was on something when i wrote that.

[xctor]

my first solo projector photo shoot. more to come.

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9142020 2:31pm

why is it that i am the most supportive person in my own life. i support everyone around me. wether they be family, friend, partner; even strangers. i am so genuinely happy for anyone who wants to or has accomplished anything even if it was something small. an accomplishment is a celebration in my eyes. but the one time, actually- the few times that i want to do something for myself, i am always doubted. especially by the one person i would sacrifice my life for. i support this person in so many ways. this person has taken on 2 projects, and i was always right behind this person, always loved & supported this person. when business was going, i put my life on hold to help out. this person never asked me to do that, but i did. because i supported (going to name this person milkshake) milkshake. when milkshakes business went blooming, i contributed my own money to help milkshakes business. when milkshake wanted to start a t shirt business, i helped milkshake, offered to buy what milkshake needed. 

but the one fucking time that i want to do something, ESPECIALLY FOR MY HEALTH...... it surpasses milkshake, and it’s “whatever” 

and this is why i feel like milkshake doesn’t care about me. i feel like i am so wrapped up in making milkshake feel happy, and loved that i forget about myself. i feel like i just can’t seek others for happiness; when i know i shouldn’t, but it’s nice when someome puts a smile on your face. i feel like im just on my own. no one else has my back, or my best interests at heart other than me. for that i am decreasing the amount of love and care i give to others and im giving myself more love, support, and my guard will be higher. ill be treating others the same damn way they treat me.

cheers to a new charmaine. love or hate her. she doesn’t care anymore.

[xctor]

guys lets get active, send me messages of things you’re going through- if you need help or advice with anything. you are welcome to remain anonymous <3

[xctor]

my dream is still to be a full time advocate for mental health.

i don’t know where to start, or who to reach out to.. i’d like to be apart of groups that support other individuals that are possibly going through the same eerie thoughts that i did. although i still have them time to time, nights aren’t always the best for me. i’d like to speak with lgbtq kids/adults who feel lost, and alone. i’d like to give them my 100% support.. i’d like to talk to people who think they’re not worth living, or the ones who believe they have nothing else to give to this world.. i’d like to go to rally’s, i’d like to be the one who attends graduations, birthdays, or any event that requires physical support; to those who don’t have it. i’d like to speak my truth, past, and finally feel; free. i’d like to hear other peoples thoughts. i’d like to talk to people who share the same compassion to mental health as i do. but i don’t know where to start.. 

[xctor]

i haven’t worn a bra in exactly 1 month.

[xctor]

i’ve had my first anxiety attack this week. i’m really trying to calm myself down, i’m in a different environment, i am not home, i am not with people, i am alone in a hotel room. my mom is at work in a different city, but our house is only 30 seconds away from my hotel that is the only thing keeping me from losing the only sanity i have left. i want to go home. i am not happy. 

[xctor]

i tested positive for covid-19.

ahhh it feels so good to say. (not happy that i have it) this entry is going to be all over the place.. i’ve just been keeping this to myself, and a handful of family and friends know. these past few days have been a hell of a ride. i knew i had exposure of the virus, but i didn’t think i would actually test positive! this virus is no joke. my symptoms are all over the place. i’m coughing, bad headaches/body aches, my chest feels like it got kicked by a donkey, i have NO taste or smell whatsoever. showers are the worst. i literally gasp for air in the shower. i’m currently isolating. i’m away from family, friends and the outside world. and a person like me, does not like to feel alone in situations where i have no control over. i miss my family and girlfriend! face time calls are not enough for me, but i have to suck it up. eventually we will all be reunited again. my mom has been my best friend through this, she has been bringing me home made meals which i have missed truly. the only downside (to me) is that i feel SOO alone. no one really checks up on me, accept my family, girlfriend and like 3-4 friends. but i’m grown enough to know that i don’t need 1,000 friends. it would just be nice to finally not be the one who reaches out to people first. anyways, i ate chickie nuggies today and i was so sad because i couldn’t taste it. but i still ate it all! i’m glad my appetite is still there. i am so tired. i think i’m going to nap. to anyone reading this, stay safe. wash your hands. practice social distancing! 

[llleighsmith]

anyone else feel like their spirit is ancient and they’ve been carrying the weight of its heartbreak for an eternity

[xctor]

lol i’m such a piece of shit

[xctor]

every girl dreams of having a perfect fairy tale, believe it or not. when i was child, i saw how my parents fought. it made me feel powerless, sheltered, and alone. reflecting on their arguments, i have repeated to myself that i will never find love in a happy place. i’ve been through countless relationships where i thought that that person was the ONE. boy was i wrong.

the relationship i am in now, i love her to death. she has always been there for me. but i am scared. i’m not falling out of love with her. i love her with all my heart. however, the spark between us has been dying down lately. i don’t know how to repair it. i am afraid that one day, soon enough? one of us can not stand each other anymore. and one of us would just break. i’m not to my breaking point, and i don’t know if i’m pushing her to hers. but we are bickering. how could we be bickering when a few nights ago we were just expressing our dearest love to each other? we have really only been through a few tough arguments and the rest has been petty arguments.. but we’ve been having a lot of them lately. how can i change? how can i be better? how can she change? how can she be better? these questions run through my mind as if a lion was chasing after its dinner after not eating for months. my mind is scattered of how? what if? does she still really love me? i don’t know how to reverse this. i don’t know how to go back in time and un do all the wrongs. is it my lack of empathy? is it my underlying love for her, but is my pride is too high to be wrong? is it the long hours i work? have i been paying less attention to her needs? what is it? how can i fix this?

[xctor]

i need you. i miss you lola. i wish you can tell me what to do. and how to make things better.

[xctor]

lol i literally feel so fucking stupid like i’m such a fucking coward i literally just want to dig myself in a hole and cry

[xctor]

2020.

1222020

it has been 22 days into the new year, and i haven’t done a post. i have a journal that i should be writing in, but i honestly forgot where i put it lol. so far these past 22 days have been amazing. knock on wood that it doesn’t go bad. got into a car accident a few months back, entering the new year AGAIN being car less sucks. but it’s whatever. i’m still alive.

i’ve been loosing weight. which has been literally on my to-do list for maybe....... 2-3 years now? i’m finally losing fucking weight. i was at my heaviest; weighing 178. i’ve lost 10 pounds. 10 fucking pounds. to someone else that isn’t a lot. but to me, i’m literally flabbergasted.

i’ve been having a different outlook on life lately, restored a friendship that i thought was falling out, being able to forgive others but never forget is a plus. seeing the bigger picture everyday waking up. i tell myself i don’t want to work but every time i leave my house, i walk out the door and always do the crucifix sign and tell myself “let’s get this money”.

i have plans this year to travel, i went to my first out of i think 5 trips planned so far for this year? i went to tahoe, tahoe again for my girlfriends birthday, hawaii in may, and disneyland/LA in september. i’m so excited for 2020.

back to my weight loss journey. i feel like with me losing weight, it’s taking a toll on my life; in the most positive way ever. more and more everyday i’m starting to realize that life is too short to be reflecting on negative energy. why have so much bad aura around you, when you can make different life habits and maintain a positive attitude?

i’m no longer in denial that i have beef with anyone. anyone from my past who has ever had an issue with me, i pray that you find some sort of closure that satisfies your eerie thoughts. i am one who is in comfort of my own well being, mind and body. and in total control of my own self.

one thing that i do want to learn this year, is to learn more of others. i have always studied people. wether it be my friends, family, or strangers in general. instead of assuming a judgement, i ask myself questions as to why this person does this, think that, or do this/that. i love asking people what they think of things and how they would approach/figure out a situation; being them in THAT persons shoes. it opens up my mind more to become a better person.

that being said, i am no longer keeping anything in. if i have an issue with someone, i will say something. if something is bothering me i will acknowledge it. if i feel that my family, girlfriend, and friends are starting to feel mentally out of shape, i will talk to them, and try my best to help them.

2020, i am in a different space; mentally and physically. i have no room for any drama, no more unexplained tears out of random frustration. i need to better myself for the present and future. bet.

[trophywifeintraining]

To the girls in their early 20’s:

Be careful to not get too wrapped up in life, bills, stress, dead end jobs, and entertaining men who can and will ruin your life if you let them. If you let these things consume you like most people do, one day it’ll be your 27th birthday and you will have no idea where the majority of your 20’s went, and will have nothing to show for it as you’re approaching the next decade of your life. You have your whole life to stress and worry, but not everyone has the advantage of being in their 20’s and using it wisely. Use your 20’s to design and create your life, and then plan it out. If you want to do something or try something, this is the time to do it.

[twinpeakscaptioned]

[approvers]