Happy 22nd birthday to me.
// TW SV1C1DE, MENTIONS OF BULLYING, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE NOT IN A GOOD HEADSPACE //
I was maybe 17.
Last year in Highschool. Right before final exams. My mind was echoing: "If I fail any class, if I fail my family, I won't be able to live with this shame. I'll just jump out of the window, I will end it all."
I did not plan on living till 18.
I was maybe 14.
Freshly in highschool. I went there to escape my past, to start a better life. My then 18yo boyfriend tried to coerce me into unspeakable things. Over and over again. An endless cycle.
"I hate this. I have nowhere to go. The moment I leave him, I will end it all."
I did not plan on living till 18.
I was maybe 10.
Middle school. Cruel kids and my teacher. Merciless bullying, both mental and phisical. No escaping that. Every day, the same, since kindergarten. Wake up, cry, go to school, get beaten up and or mentally tormented, go home, cry, stay up most of the night.
"I will end it all to show them what they did to me."
I decided I will not live over 18.
I'm 22 today.
9 years ago, I started therapy.
I am now in a state where I feel stable. No constant s__cidal thoughts. Just from time to time.
Still on medication.
Still fighting with urges. Still fighting with my past, and present.
I'm trying to look forward to every year. It's been 4 years. Next goal is 5.
And these birthday arts always remind me why I'm remembering this.
Because every year, this is my reminder:
You did it.
And I'm grateful for that.
