You know, one thing that I think is super damaging to kidsā self-esteem that people rarely talk about isā¦ well, Iām not aware of any sociological name for it, so Iāll just call itĀ ācompulsory friendship.ā
Of course, thereās the awkward situations that happen when parents and teachers force kids to beĀ āinclusiveā to others, which means extending birthday party invitations that they hope youāll reject or ask you to sit with them at lunch but then talk to each other about stuff you know nothing about or barely understand, so you know youāre only being included out of pity, which can be demoralizing. This can also be a problem from the other end, when youāre asked to include someone who is actually harmful to be around. Like when your parent whispers in your ear,Ā āThat little girl on the playground is all alone. Go play with her,ā and when you go up to her, you realize sheās strangling a small bird to death.Ā
But I think possibly even more damaging than theseĀ āpolite inclusivityā situations are the compulsory CLOSE friend situations, and Iāve both experienced this as a kid and observed it MANY times when I worked at summer camps and preschools. This is when kids becomeĀ ābest friendsā at an early age because of circumstances beyond their control: usually their parents are close friends or else they live nearby one another or they have older siblings who are on the same sports team or something. This is the firstĀ ābest friendā these kids ever have and their first exposure to what friendship is. Their parents will take them on fun outings and playdates together and snap cute photos of the twoĀ ābest friendsā being adorable together.
But as the kids get older, they may realize theyāre not actually that compatible as friends. They can never agree on what to play. One always wants to play sports and the other wants to do arts and crafts. One is obsessed with the movie Frozen and wants to pretend scenarios from it, the other hates Frozen and loves Coco. The one who loves Frozen is scared of Coco and cries every time her friend wants to sing songs from it. One loves to dig up bugs in the backyard. The other hates dirt and is freaked out by bugs and hates when her friend puts dirt and bugs on the table while sheās trying to hold elegant pretend tea parties.
This may sound frivolous, but these are two kids who have a hard time playing with one another and who are too young to understand empathy. They spend HOURS on end together each week. Inevitably, this is going to devolve into someā¦ mean behavior. Theyāll yell at each other and fight and call each other names because they are tired of constantly disagreeing and trying to compromise. But theyāre best friendsā¦ right? As far as these kids know, thatās just part of what being best friends means. For a lot of these kids, they see each other in school, they do afterschool activities together (ballet class, Daisy Girl Scouts, etc.), they have regular playdates, they attend summer camp together, and their families even go on day trips and vacations together. Thatās a LOT of time to spend with someone who has nothing in common with you!
As kids get older, this gulf widens even more. In my case, I had this situation with a girl from my neighborhood that I met as a toddler. By the time we were in second grade, we were having serious conflicts because she was interested in a lot of pop culture stuff that MY parents felt was inappropriate and provocative (Britney Spears music, watching shows like FRIENDS, trendy clothes, talking about boys and kissing and stuff, etc. This was the late 90ā²s.) At this point, it wasnāt just simple conflict. Now I was constantly told I was BABYISH and UNCOOL. I dressed like a baby, I listened to baby music, watched baby shows. I was no fun to be around. It started to hurt my self esteem. If even my best friend thought I had terrible taste and didnāt enjoy being around me, I must be pretty terrible, huh? I stayed close with this girl until middle school. By the time we were in 4th and 5th grade, she was reading teen magazines and talking about explicit topics and wearing makeup and making fun of me for having underarm hair and bushy eyebrows. She often told me I was embarrassing to her and that I was lucky she was my friend because nobody else would be. When I finally realized she had other friends that she liked more than me, I was heartbroken even though I genuinely didnāt enjoy spending time with her and I had my own close friends that I liked more than her. After all, she was my first best friend.Ā
You may realize that a lot of what Iām talking about hereā¦ sounds like some things that happen in toxic romantic relationships. We all realize that having your partner put you down and manipulate you and criticize your interests can be damaging, but what about a close and trusted friend who does that from an extremely early and impressionable age?
Because I had this experience, Iām perhaps more sensitive to noticing it with the kids I worked with. I saw similar conflicts SO many times, often with kids who are spending the majority of their time together due to parent arrangements. Quite often, kids justā¦ get sick of each other. They just donāt always click. As wonderful as it would be for everyone to be best friends, thatās just not how people work. Even little kids have distinct personalities that donāt always gel together, even perfectly lovely kids who arenāt naturally mean or aggressive or exclusive.
Ā You may go on one or two dates with a nice person but realize,Ā āHmm, I donāt think we have chemistryā and thatās that, and yet you expect your child to spend upwards of 40 hours a week in close proximity to a hand-pickedĀ ābest friendā that they may have no chemistry with and get surprised when you hear your child was fighting at school.Ā
I really believe that kids who grow up believing that theyāre so unlikeable that even their best friend can hardly tolerate them are going to have a harder time recognizing unhealthy relationships as an adult or building a sense of self-worth. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think rather than forcing kids to all be āfriends,ā I think itās best to encourage them to be kind and friendly acquaintances to all of their classmates and learn that itās okay to have some healthy boundaries about how much time they want to spend together outside of school.Ā
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