Schmerg The Impaler's Secret Laboratory

Schmergo, Washington DC denizen, lover of literature, fan of fluffy cravats and falafel. This blog is a garbage disposal of corny jokes, memes, Shakespeare, classic lit, Les Miserables, musical theatre, pop culture, history, and assorted other hijinks!

[evvergreen]

tumblr is the website for if you're just someone's weird sister

[avidcollectorofdust]

Really glad predictive text exists. Should i bring my own parking lot

[schmergo]

I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about the use of “Dad” and “Let’s go” in the trailer for The Odyssey, but this is the weird paradox we fall into when adapting ancient stories for modern audiences.

We literally can’t translate it into old enough English to fit the time period and still expect moviegoers to follow the dialogue.

About the earliest version of English that most moviegoers can understand is “Early Modern English.” That’s the English spoken in around 1500-1700. It’s the English of the King James Bible and Shakespeare plays.

Shakespeare uses the word “Dad” and the phrase “Let’s go” in his plays.

There was no English language during the time of Homer and any English earlier than “early modern” would look like this:

“Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote/ The droghte of March hath perced to the roote..."

[honorculture]

[cuppydogshane]

the grink was there. it didnt change anything but it still matters that the grink was there.

[pseudomantis]

[is-the-owl-video-cute-deactivat]

a squirrel or perhaps a cardinal posted this

[phaeton-flier]

How about you mind your own damn business

[iusedtobecharming-deactivated20]

Do we have a franz kafka diary entry for july 1st, i want to know what he thinks!!!

[rehearsing]

happy too tired July everyone

[schmergo]

I was talking to my husband the other day and, as a random example of a boring topic that nobody at a party would want to hear about, I happened to come up with, “The history of wheelbarrows.”

But then my husband and I got curious and decided to look up the history of wheelbarrows, and we both thought it was surprisingly interesting.

The very next day, we were visiting a thrift store with family and my sister spotted a toy wheelbarrow for her son, and my husband said, “Did you know that Jesus was older than wheelbarrows? They weren’t invented until around 100 CE.”

This is why curious people are my favorite type of people. No topic is really that boring when you look into it. And everything is more interesting when you talk about it with someone you love.

[timetravelingravenclaw17]

Not me immediately going to look up the history of wheel barrels before I even finish reading the post

[schmergo]

The oldest existing wheelbarrow ever found is from 1537 and is on display in a museum in Ingolstadt- in surprisingly good condition! It wasn’t unearthed until 2013/14!

[schmergo]

I was talking to my husband the other day and, as a random example of a boring topic that nobody at a party would want to hear about, I happened to come up with, “The history of wheelbarrows.”

But then my husband and I got curious and decided to look up the history of wheelbarrows, and we both thought it was surprisingly interesting.

The very next day, we were visiting a thrift store with family and my sister spotted a toy wheelbarrow for her son, and my husband said, “Did you know that Jesus was older than wheelbarrows? They weren’t invented until around 100 CE.”

This is why curious people are my favorite type of people. No topic is really that boring when you look into it. And everything is more interesting when you talk about it with someone you love.

[lustcannibalism]

they should invent a way for me to do tasks without the mind torture

[lustcannibalism]

there is a world out there I can’t comprehend

[typecasto]

behold, context

[toweringclam]

[dragon-in-a-fez]

are you feeling it* now Mr Krabs

*it = radiation sickness

[nightwashh]

he has a name :(

[notgreengardens]

My cousin Throckmorton died?????

[schmergo]

I don’t consider myself a picky eater, but I feel like restaurants’ salad sections never have exactly the combinations of ingredients I want. There will always be something that seems egregiously jarring with the other food items or something that makes me want to mix and match, like:

Spinach Salad: Spinach, manchego cheese, apples, walnuts, citrus vinaigrette, shaved rhinoceros horn.

Strawberry Fields: Mixed greens, feta, strawberries, pistachios, earwax vinaigrette.

Southwest Salad: Shredded iceberg lettuce, home-grown tomatoes, cucumbers, Monterrey Jack cheese, 6 live rounds of ammunition, chipotle ranch dressing, blue corn tortilla chips. (Also available vegan!)

Aunt Sheila’s Crazy Caesar: Baby gem lettuce, croutons, shaved Parmesan, homemade Caesar dressing, hunks of fiberglass insulation.

And then you feel embarrassingly high maintenance for being like, “Uhhh… hey, can I get the Strawberry Fields but sub in the citrus dressing instead of the earwax vinaigrette? Nope, no allergies, I just.. yes, some earwax cross-contamination is fine. No dietary restrictions either, I’m just a bad person.”

[schmergo]

Concept: PG-13 movie of a Shakespeare play, allowed one F-word. Where in the screenplay do you insert it?

[rainmakesyouwhole]

When Fortinbras enters at the end of Hamlet. It’s his only line, and the play ends immediately after.

[samtf]

reblog to give a strawberry to the person you reblogged this from

[bythestardoggedmoon]

[epicdogymoment]

[ID: screenshot of a tweet:

Probably a sign your team is not in great shape when your local broadcast is showing graphics like this.

attached is a photo of the corner of a TV screen, showing the Chicago Bulls. A graphic reads:

Greek Mythology 101 Who is Sisyphus? * King of Ephyra, devious tyrant * Would kill visitors of Ephyra to show off his power, which angered the gods * Punishment: roll a boulder up a hill, would roll back down each time * Must repeat this action for all eternity

/end ID]

[penandinkprincess]

3 pm: god, I'm EXHAUSTED. going to bed early for SURE.

midnight: I Have Literally Never Been More Awake And Alert

[isawken]

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

[bluelois]

Blue Lois

[isawken]

can i help you

[redmarge]

Red Marge

[isawken]

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[isawken]

i deserve a medal for this post. not because i was particularly funny but because i survived an onslaught of nearly one hundred gimmick blogs in the wake of this post popping off, and the fact that i didn’t try to track any of them down and snuff them out with my bare hands is a testament to my immeasurable strength and should be rewarded. at one point i had “the official letter h” add on to this post. you wanna know that blog’s gimmick? the really funny and original and worthwhile gimmick the official letter h blog had? yep you guessed it they just gave me the god damned letter H and then fucked off. only jesus knows the suffering i endured over that harsh winter, and he wept for me