Ly

🥀

[xlyks]

Why do I feel like an option? Should I demand exclusivity? Is this just my anxiety or this is my gut telling me he’s not right for me.

[xlyks]

Dapat situationship lang pero you’re already occupying so much of my mental space. Tangina laika and you’re attachment issues. Should i step back na ba huhuhu

[xlyks]

I’m not happy with the way I look lately. Dati may mga time na gandang ganda ako sa sarili ko. Ang kinis ng skin ko, ang healthy ng hair ko, flat yung tiyan ko. Ngayon, ayoko makakita ng salamin. I gained weight. I have acnes caused by stress. Ang dry ng skin ko. Ang frizzy ng hair. Di ko alam san galing tong mga skin allergy ko sa likod. Naccringe ako pag nakikita ko sarili ko sa pics kasi ang laki ko na.

Siguro, I’ll just make this a motivation na iimprove sarili ko. I’ll invest in myself. I will love myself more by doing things that are good for me.

[xlyks]

Is moving on a conscious effort? Should I put a timeframe? Should I go out and meet people? Or should I just wait until I feel okay again? It’s been two years already and I never for one second feel that I am healed. Gusto ko na ulit maging genuinely masaya.

[xlyks]

It feels like October 2020 again.

[xlyks]

Dear Lei,

It’s 4am na but i woke up kanina around 2. I’m missing you so much. Sana andito ka pa. Sana nakasama ka pa namin ng matagal.

I hate my thoughts pag madaling araw. Siguro kung andito, nagrerent and magkasama tayo sa condo. Magluluto tayo ng fave mong sinigang and adobo during weekend. Siguro excited ako umuwi lagi kasi makikita kita.

Long weekend ngayon and payday sana. Wala naman akong plano. Gusto ko lang sana magorder sa grab ang netflix. For sure ganun din gagawin natin if andito ka. Just the company of each other with good food and laughter. Naiinis pala ako kasi nagkaproblem sa banks and instapay so di ko pa nagrereflect yung sinend ko kanina :(

Kumusta ka diyan? Miss na miss na kita. Two years ka ng wala pero yung pain andito pa rin. Some nights really make me think that I will never have a reasonble semblance of normalcy.

I will always love you.

Missing you so much,

Laiks

[xlyks]

Ang masokista lang na ginagawa pa rin ang mga bagay o pinupuntuhan ang mga lugar na tinuturing nating triggers. Gustung gusto mo talaga masaktan bhie.

[xlyks]

Yung lungkot natin hindi napapawi ng food trip shuta.

[xlyks]

Pumunta ako ng alimall kanina para iactivate yung card ko. Napadaan ako dunkin and bigla akong natakam sa iced choco and vanilla crumble. Habang kumakain, biglang tumugtog one of lany’s songs. Lagi natin yun kinakanta kapag magkasama tayo. Ang sikip nanaman sa dibdib. Hindi nanaman ako makahinga. Ang kirot nanaman sa puso. After almost two years, yung mga triggers anjan pa rin.

[xlyks]

Minsan gusto ko na lang maging extrovert. Kanina may nagtanong sakin sa work bat daw di ako nagsasalita. Ghorl, nagttrabaho ako?!???!???

[xlyks]

You can finally afford the restaurants na tinitignan mo lang dati pero masaya ka ba?

When Lei was here, sobrang happy ko na ng jollibee or mcdo. We used to stroll the streets of ortigas and shaw para maghanap ng kakainan ng 3am. Silog meals and sinigang lang kila banang solved na. I wasn’t demanding much kasi sya yung nanglilibre and wala naman akong work that time.

Ngayon I can finally afford the better things in life but you are not here to share it with me.

Someone asked me what I prefer b/w comfort and convenience. I have to ask the thin line which separates the two bc they seem similar to me. Comfort was the the time I was with you. We prefer the simple things - the joyride from baclaran to ayala to monumento to valenzuela. Yung nanggigising ka ng madaling araw kasi nagugutom ka. Yung need natin mag-ipon if magkikita tayo bc ldr things.

Now, im living independently. Mej nakaka LL na rin. Kaya ko na magpadeliver anytime ng food w/o thinking kung magkano. I prefer na rin grab/angkas instead of commuting. I can pay my bills w/o thinking kung may pangbayad pa ba ako next month. This is convenience for me. But am I happy ba? I’m happy with my work so far but sa personal life idk.

If I have to choose between comfort and convenience, I will always choose comfort. I hope someday, i’ll find that comfort again.

Comfort is the person you are with. Convenience is the lifestyle.

I miss you so much. I hope you’re happy up there. 🤍

Fck i hate 3ams. Daming thoughts.

[xlyks]

I’m missing you a little extra these past few days. Wherever you are, I hope I’m making you proud.

[xlyks]

Going back to Bicol had always been so hard for me after a week or two of being with you in Mnl. We were waiting for my usual 5pm trip while I’m having a panic attack because in few hours, we will be miles apart again. I always thought that sending me off and looking at your back while you’re walking away from the busport was the hardest part. It’s not the solo 12-hour bus ride, not the longing 12am calls, but the waiting time in mcdo, the constant watching of time to check how many hours were left before I have to let go of your hand. I never for one second thought that that wasn’t the worst part. But I was wrong, because now, I know what the worst is and it’s way way way worse than that.

[xlyks]

I hope to meet you in another lifetime. I hope you don’t need to leave. I hope I can save you.

[xlyks]

Just let me die please.

[xlyks]

Di ko kelangan ng advice mo kasi wala kang alam. Ni katiting ng nararamdaman ko di mo maiintindihan. So don’t talk to me if you’re this insensitive. I’ve been through so much, i don’t need another toxic person. Kala mo naman ang dali dali lang ng sinasabi mo. ‘Move on. Help your self.’ Hayop naman. Gusto mo palit tayo? Tangina swerte mo, di mo naeexperience to eh. You sound like boyfriend lang yung nawala sakin pero hindi eh, pati future ko, yung self ko, yung will ko mabuhay nawala rin. So don’t tell me what and how to feel. You know nothing.

[xlyks]

What’s the easiest and painless way to die?