you thought the guy in the hawaiian-print shirt who seems physically incapable of being quiet would be the most annoying person here, so imagine your shock when it's xu minghao, who has seemingly decided you're the enemy and keeps sabotaging you. a baking competition for charity might have others on their best behavior, but what's a little sugar without some spice?
❆ pairing: minghao x reader
❆ genre: great british bake-off, holiday au; crack, fluff
❆ wordcount: 5.5k
❆ rating: e for everyone
❆ warnings: some swearing, minghao is a saboteur, idiots abound.
❆ credits: this netflix psd template for the banner. this recipe for the yule log; this recipe for the gingerbread house; and this recipe for the entremet. divider from here. this post for the divider. this was roughly edited by me, so any and all mistakes are my own.
❆ written for: the winter with you collab hosted by @camandemstudios. thank you for letting me participate! please make sure to check out the rest of the stories as they're posted. ♡
❆ author's note: i had this rotting away in my wips since literally 2021, so even though it started as a completely different story, i'm so glad it's finally seeing the light of day even if it's not what i originally intended. (also, i know the banner says 12 contestants but the holiday specials only had a couple, okay. i forgot when i made it and i wasn't going back to fix it.)
The obnoxious one is wearing an aloha-print shirt.
He’s also extremely loud, his raucous, fake laughter filling every corner of the large warehouse you’ve been assigned to for filming. Makes a show of batting his eyelashes, throwing his head back every time someone cracks a joke that’s not even funny, comes up with nonsensical nicknames for the entire crew just to suck up to them.
“John Davies? Mind if I call you Joe?”
Joe doesn’t even make sense as a nickname for John, but John fucking loves it, apparently. Looks at the annoying guy like he just watched him string the stars in the sky.
But it’s the shirt—god, the shirt drives you absolutely crazy. He’s about to go on national television, be a household name, and some ill-fitting, charity shop Hawaiian print shirt is what he woke up and chose to wear. What’s his angle here? Appeal to the public with some sob story about only being able to afford second-hand clothes so that’s why he’s competing? Needs the money to care for a sick relative?
(The expensive watch on his wrist and his limited-drop sneakers tell an entirely different story, but you’re keeping that to yourself for now. No reason to play your hand so early.)
As much as you hate the shirt, you have to admit it suits him. The colors are garish and unsightly, just as obnoxious as he is, and you can’t stare at it too long because you start going cross-eyed. Looking at him feels about the same as stuffing your mouth with a bunch of sour candies: you get that same burn in the back of your jaw, same scrunched-up, grossed-out look on your face; have to squeeze your eyes shut to blink back tears.
You don’t even know his name, but you hate him immediately.
Your eyes scan the other contestants. None of them inspire the same level of animosity within you as the annoying one does; all of them nearly unremarkable. A variety of ages, appearances, backgrounds. You hear one say they’re a retired investment banker. There’s an accountant, a teacher, a fucking aerospace engineer.
And then it’s his turn to introduce himself. He clears his throat, speaks with an easy, practiced confidence. Completely void of nerves. Makes eye contact with everyone in your conversation circle. Gesticulates wildly as he speaks, immediately endears everyone to him.
“I’m Tim,” he says, and you nearly recoil at how honeyed his voice is. “But you can call me Tim. I’m thirty-eight, originally from a small town. Work as a…”
You can barely stand to listen to it anymore, each “Nice to meet you, Tim!” like another punch to the gut. How can’t these people see right through him? How are they falling for his bullshit? You should’ve known. Producers always throw in at least one bomb to up the ratings—a secret millionaire, someone rude and confrontational, a flat-earther. Even if you’re competing in a charity baking competition, of all things, it’s still reality television at the end of the day.
Just because the bunch of you are going to spend the next few days creating confections out of sugar, spice, and everything nice, doesn’t mean you have to be part of that ‘everything.’
Tim thinks he’s got this in the bag. Thinks he’s going to show up and win easily, the rest of you be damned, and even if you are typically a very nice person, you’re also highly competitive. There’ll be no rolling over done by you, and if Tim wants to play dirty—
Game on.
As you introduce yourself, you feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of your head. Probably because you don’t bother with the faux-humility the rest of the contestants have. Polite and charming but firm, just the way your mother had taught you. You’re not boisterous, don’t crack silly jokes to play up to the cameras the way Tim loves to do, and you know he’s scrutinizing you the way you’d done to him, trying to figure out your angle.
Well, joke’s on him—you don’t need one.
And you really, really hope it drives him crazy.
Except maybe the joke is on you, too, because you don’t account for Xu Minghao.
In true reality television fashion, the tent is boiling hot.
As if the universe itself had looked down on all of you and decided what you all needed was a heatwave uncharacteristic of this time of year, just to up the ante. Not even ten minutes in the tent and you’re all fanning yourselves and wafting air up your shirts. Which is great, really, because it isn’t like you need to use ovens or stand over hot burners. It’s not like you aren’t going to be soaking through your clothes with anxiety sweats, either! Sweat dripping off your brow into your eyes won’t matter because you don’t need to use them.
Everything’s going to be fine!
But everything is not fine. Not only has the universe gifted you with sweltering heat, it’s given you the work station directly next to Tim’s. You’ll have to feel his annoying, off-putting aura near you for the entire competition. There’s always the possibility of him bungling it and making an early exit, but you know that’s unlikely. Obnoxious he may be, you also know a strong opponent when you see one, and something tells you you’re going to be stuck with him for the long haul.
Think of the cats, you tell yourself. All of this is for the cats.
It’s not like you never would’ve returned here of your own volition. No, your first go-round with feel-good, competition-based reality television had gone fine. You hadn’t won, of course, because you wouldn’t be here again if you had, but you placed respectably in the top three. Became a fan favorite, too, which was arguably more lucrative than winning. People make a living on social media these days.
So, it’s not the competition itself that has you white-knuckled gripping onto the edge of your station. It’s the man at the one beside you, cracking all these stupid jokes about the weather and how it’s a horrible day for tempering chocolate, so he bets that’s going to be the first challenge!
You suck in a deep breath. Try to remember the breathing exercises from that one yoga class your sister had dragged you to. It had been about the same temperature then, too—well duh, it’s hot yoga, your sister had said, which was news to you, because you never would’ve signed up for something called hot yoga willingly. Still, you endured it, just like you’ll endure this, and a little sweat is not going to get in the way of you delivering a check to all those poor, sad cats without families.
“Psst, hey,” you hear from behind you. When you turn, a man is smirking at you as he finishes tying his apron around his waist—has to wrap the strings around twice, you notice, because only someone hand-picked by the gods themselves would have that shoulder-to-waist ratio.
You don’t really recognize him. Can’t recall his name or where he’s from; can’t remember what he mentioned doing for a living. Probably something artsy, if you had to guess—he definitely has the style and demeanor of a creative, with his trendy shag-mullet and the multicolored, glitter-y snowflakes decorating his nails.
You aren’t sure he introduced himself at all, but the confidence with which he holds himself—easy, like it’d take a national emergency to rattle him even a little—implies he doesn’t really have to. Most of the people here already know him, if you had to guess, and he gives the impression that he’s not fussed with impressing any of them.
If only Tim was so inclined.
You clear your throat, vaguely aware you need to respond. “Yeah?”
“Are you nervous?”
“Ah, I don’t think so? We’ve done this before, after all. We should be seasoned veterans by now.”
He smirks. “Should be,” he emphasizes. “Feels different when it’s for charity. Extra serious, you know?”
“Right,” you agree, taking a look around the tent. “Anything for the cats.”
There’s an immediate shift in the atmosphere. What was friendly and carefree is now tense; where a smile and a floral giggle sat on the man’s lips has been replaced with a crooked scowl. And it doesn’t make sense, all you’d done was agree with what he said, but then the producers are yelling something at the front of the tent, cameramen are rushing to their equipment, and a woman appears at your side and starts clipping equipment to your clothes, and there’s no time to question it. On your right, Tim’s laughing and joking around with some crew members like they’re old drinking buddies. It drives you nuts, has annoyance pricking at your skin, flushing your cheeks—
So much so that the woman at your side leans in and asks, “Should I get hair and makeup over here?”
“I—no, it’s fine.”
The unnecessary members of the production team scatter away after a loud countdown. Hair and makeup don’t come to wipe the sweat tracks from your skin. You already know Man Behind You is standing there looking perfect because he’s equally as attractive as he is mysterious. God truly has favorites, and this guy somehow made the top five.
You stare down at the instructions in front of you, confident in your ability to read but not so confident in your ability to make sense of any of it. And it’s your own recipe, which is the worst part. You’d typed this recipe yourself. These are your hand-written notes in the margins. You’ve conceptualized, tweaked, baked, and eaten this recipe more times than you can count, and now all you can do is thousand-yard-stare into the ether.
In the time since you were on the show, you’d somehow forgotten about the chaos. Not unlike that hormone women have that makes them forget about the pain and agony of childbirth, you reckon.
In addition to being one of the most bothersome people in history, Tim apparently doubles as a prophet.
Because it is a terrible day to temper chocolate, and you’ve got a bûche de Noël on the horizon that requires you to do so. You can pivot, maybe make some kind of buttercream, but a basic chocolate buttercream is not going to win you a world-renowned baking competition even if it is Swiss meringue. A child could make that.
You sigh. Push that wave of panic to the back of your mind. In a setting like this, you have approximately ten seconds to come up with a back-up plan and execute it and you wasted your time thinking, so you’re just going to have to temper the stupid chocolate and stick to your original plan. God, you have a headache.
But the show must go on, so you do too.
Step 1: Preheat the oven.
Easy enough. If nothing else, you can preheat an oven.
Step 2: Make the sponge.
Not as easy, but you’ve made so many sponge cakes throughout your life you could probably do it in your sleep. Whisk attachment on the stand mixer. Four eggs. Sugar meticulously weighed and added to the bowl. Sugar and eggs whisked together until the mixture is the color and consistency you’re looking for. Flour, cocoa powder, and salt sifted in. Metal spoon to fold it all together as delicately as possible. You won’t have a sponge cake if you beat all the air out of it, now will you?
“Good enough,” you mutter to yourself, staring down at the bowl.
At least you’d had the foresight to grease and line your baking tray, because the entire entourage arrives at your station just as you’re meant to be pouring the batter into it and sticking it in the oven.
“Ah, we meet again,” the group choruses, genuine smiles peeking through as if you’re old friends separated only by time and distance.
That’s the weird thing about being on television. For as long as you’re able, you exist within a microcosm of daily life. A world exists outside of your bubble, you know, but you don’t see much proof of it. All of your meals are eaten together; all of your conversations are had with one another. You share temporary living quarters and oftentimes too much of yourselves, and you’re thankful the show encourages teamwork and kindness because that’s the kind of thing that can grow sour if you leave it unchecked too long.
And then it just—ends.
Bubble burst, you all go back to your regular lives. You look back on that time fondly, but the friendships are thinned out by time and distance. Eventually it all starts to feel like a dream, except every now and then something breaks through the haze to remind you it actually happened: a stranger recognizing you at the store, a message on social media, the casting team contacting you to ask if you’d be interested in competing in a holiday special for charity.
“We certainly do,” you retort, smile matching everyone else’s.
All things considered, you are happy to be back. Even if the tent is crowded and far too warm, the atmosphere is unmatched, especially when it’s decorated for the holidays.
“What are you working on?”
You explain the general workings of your yule log: chocolate sponge, hazelnut liqueur cream filling, and chocolate icing to top it off. You aren’t sure how you’re going to decorate it yet—you’ll figure it out once you get there, depending on how much time you have—but you guarantee them it’ll look festive and professional.
Satisfied with your plan, they wish you luck and move on to the man behind you. It’s so great to see you again, Minghao, someone says, and you’re grateful they’ve spared you the embarrassment of having to ask for his name. It still doesn’t ring a bell, and you can’t recall what season he’d been on for the life of you, but he speaks with a patience and a gentleness that is so unlike Tim that you nearly drop to the floor in thanks.
But as the commotion of the tent reminds you, you don’t have time to waste thinking about Minghao. You’ve only been given an hour for your signature, and you’re going to need all sixty of those minutes if you have any hopes of presenting a finished product.
It doesn’t register at first.
It doesn’t register at second or third, either.
In fact, you’re sure you’re hallucinating when you open the oven door to pop the sponge inside and you aren’t hit with a blast of hot air. Room temperature. Perhaps a bit on the cooler side, if you’re being honest.
And that can’t be, because you know you preheat your oven. It was the first thing you did, because it’s always the first thing you do. It’s just… automatic, like opening your mouth to eat or washing between your toes in the shower. Instinctual. Not something that needs to even be considered, because it’s always the first thing you do.
No, this cannot be. Forgetting to preheat the oven is a rookie mistake and you’re not a rookie.
…Could it be?
Perhaps you were so caught up in the lights and buzz, the thrill of returning to the tent, that it had slipped your mind? Perhaps you’d pressed the wrong buttons and turned the wrong dials? While it’s not likely you’d somehow bumped into the oven and turned it off, nothing is impossible, so… maybe?
“Shit,” you hiss through your teeth. The producers are not going to be happy about your swearing. “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Everything okay up there?” Minghao asks from behind you. When you turn, he’s got a flour-dusted towel thrown over his shoulder as he nurses a cup of tea, and his composure in the face of your hysteria has your head spinning.
Your mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. Minghao is drinking tea without a care in the world and your oven isn’t even halfway to the temperature you need. “I—yes? No? I don’t know. I could’ve sworn I preheated the oven, but—”
“Don’t panic,” he offers, his top lip catching on the rim of his mug. “You got this. Work on something else while you wait.”
Something else. Right, you can work on something else. Both the filling and the frosting still have to be made, and quick mental math tells you there should just be enough time to get everything done if you’re efficient. Of course, that’s a big if, but that’s why you’d chosen a yule log, after all: sponge cake doesn’t need that long to bake, and anything can happen (and go wrong) in this tent.
So, you get to work on something else. Measure out a sheet of parchment paper, dust it with cocoa powder, and set it to the side. Decide to get to work on the frosting, because if one thing has already gone wrong, you don’t trust the universe to let you temper chocolate correctly.
The chocolate is halfway melted when the oven dings. A small harrumph of victory and you’re finally good to go, setting a timer for twelve minutes. Minghao offers you a discreet thumbs-up, fingers covered in something sticky you assume is marzipan.
Time flies after that. You get both the frosting and your filling made, and it’s only through divine intervention that your sponge cake comes out perfectly and with enough time to score and cool. When you dare a look around the room, everyone seems to be in a similar position as you: frazzled and covered in powdered sugar, making frantic trips to and from the refrigerators, chucking seized-up caramel into the trash and starting over for the third time with a pained expression.
A holiday special—it was supposed to be more laid-back, more for the vibes and festivity than actual competition, but it looks to you like everyone’s taking it just as seriously as your first go-rounds.
“Fifteen minutes!” someone calls, and your competitors fade out of focus. You’ve got a yule log to ice and fondant to roll out.
You make it by the skin of your teeth.
It isn’t perfect, of course, as few things on this show ever are, but it’s more than acceptable. It looks great and tastes even better which is all you can hope for. Much to your dismay, Tim also gets top marks, but it’s Minghao that shocks you all. His stollen wreath earns him a handshake and a lot of clandestine, private glares, but he’d been kind to you earlier, helped untangle that knot of pandemonium, so you return the thumbs-up he’d given you earlier with a smile that feels akin to getting away with murder.
Something is wrong.
On its own, this is not necessarily surprising. Gingerbread, tasked with bearing the weight of an entire house, can be fickle. On any other day you wouldn’t blame it if it wanted to rebel and go sideways, but the thing is—you’ve made gingerbread before. Tons of times. Another thing you could probably make in your sleep if you absolutely had to. So it doesn’t make sense when you look down in your mixing bowl and it just… doesn’t look right.
You tell yourself it’ll get better when you knead it. Maybe the color just looks off because it’s underworked, and a few good punches will set it straight.
But it doesn’t. The dough sits at your station like a sad, formless lump, giving you no indication it intends to become anything at all. Which is, admittedly, a problem. Your technical challenge is to build a gingerbread house—one complete with little windows and golden-toned nightlights, a scalloped roof dusted with powdered sugar to look like fresh snow, a working door!—and you’re far from an engineer, but you don’t think you can have a gingerbread house without gingerbread.
You sneak a peek at Tim’s station, where he’s well into measuring an immaculate-looking dough with a ruler. The contestant in front of you is in a similar place, too, so it’s with an oh fuck I’m doomed sigh that you turn around and hope to find a comrade in Minghao again.
“Hey,” you whisper, trying not to draw attention to yourself. “Does this look right to you?” You jerk a thumb in the direction of your dough-lump. Minghao, bless him, looks around you and tries his best to hide his grimace.
He does not succeed.
“Um. Well, no.”
You sigh. Place one flour-dusted hand on your waist and pinch the bridge of your nose with the other. “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with it. I’ve made gingerbread a million times.”
“Looks pale,” he offers. Of course, this is the exact moment he dumps his own dough—his beautiful dough, flawless chestnut brown—onto his station to knead it. “Was the sugar right?”
A strangled, disbelieving laugh escapes you. Was the sugar right—of course the sugar was right! Dark muscovado sugar. Everyone knows that's what you use for gingerbread, so of course the sugar was right because no one, both in their right mind and at this stage of competition, would use anything else.
Before you can respond, Minghao’s pointing at your jar of sugar. Your jar of pale, producer-supplied sugar, which even a blind person could tell does not resemble dark muscovado sugar.
A million thoughts race through your head at once, but it boils down to instinct, you think. Your brain had seen flour, butter, and sugar and went into baking mode, not stopping to take in the color of anything. Maybe a smarter, more perceptive person would put two and two together and get sabotage, but you don’t have enough time to play detective.
“Here, here,” Minghao says, hurriedly handing over his (correct) sugar. “It’ll be close, but you should have just enough time to redo the dough.”
You’re going to throw up.
In the end, a chunk of chocolate buttons is missing from the roof and the piping around the edges is far from your neatest work, but it’s passable. You already lamented your loss during the signature bake, because anything less than perfection was not going to win you much of anything, and you’re now 0-for-2 on showstopping, unbelievable, awe-inspiring confections.
Just like the devil, your fall from grace will be studied.
Overthinking isn’t going to get you anywhere, but you can’t help it.
You collapse sideways into a chair, immediately face-planting into the catering table. Everyone else buzzes around you—animated conversations that have your head spinning, words that jumble together and start to sound like nothing at all—but you’re a million miles away. One mistake is out of character for you, but two? It’s unheard of. Something you would’ve said was impossible if it didn’t happen to you just a few hours ago.
This is something you need to file away for later so you can think about it just as you’re about to fall asleep, horror and embarrassment there to keep you company when it keeps you awake until the wee hours of the morning.
A chill runs down your spine.
“Hi. Do you mind?” You startle. Bang your knee on the underside of the table. “Sorry,” Minghao apologizes, but he doesn’t look sorry at all. You shake your head. Gesture to the empty seat across from you as if to say it’s all yours. “I brought you some tea,” he continues, setting it in front of you. “I find it’s easier than coffee when you don’t know how someone takes theirs. Less chance of getting it wrong.”
You smile. Wrap your hands around the Styrofoam cup and delight in the warmth. “Thank you. This was very kind of you.”
“Seemed like you had a rough day.”
Groaning, you try to wave away his words. “Please don’t speak of it.” Minghao jokingly salutes you before miming his lips sealed. “Anyway. Let’s talk about something that is not reality television or baking or a reality baking competition.”
So, you do. Most of the talking comes from you, to be fair, but Minghao is a good listener: nods along, chimes in when appropriate, keeps the spit in his mouth where it belongs. You talk about your hometown and what made you apply for the show the first time. He tells you about growing up in Haicheng and all the things he grew up baking with his mother. You swap stories from your respective seasons; Minghao shares anecdotes with a straight face that have you clutching at your stomach.
Hours pass this way, and you end the night feeling like you’ve made an honest-to-god friend.
Xu Minghao ends the night feeling the guilt weigh him down like an albatross.
In retrospect, it is probably a bad idea to make another sponge, but no one can accuse you of learning from your mistakes.
“It’ll be a patterned joconde sponge with two mousse layers—chocolate and raspberry—and a raspberry jelly. Then I’m going to attempt to top it with chocolate and raspberry decorations.” The judges blink. Are you sure that’s a good idea? you know they want to ask, but this is a holiday competition for charity, so they’re trying not to be pessimists. “Anything is possible through holiday cheer,” you tack on, hoping your smile doesn’t look crazed.
They nod. “Right, right,” they say in unison. “Well, good luck!”
And then they’re off.
Determined to nail this, you triple-check your oven, which is preheating to a crisp 400 degrees; you double-check all your ingredients and confirm they’re correct; when you can spare the time, you watch your refrigerator like a hawk, making sure no one tries to sneak their own work in there and displace yours when you aren’t looking, but everyone’s engrossed in their respective showstoppers.
Tim’s planning a shadow box of sorts, with blown-sugar baubles and isomalt fire. Someone else is stressing over their three-tiered cake, asking the presenter if they think they’ve taken on too much. From what you can piece together, Minghao is making a three-dimensional house, also made from cake that he imported special pistachios for.
“Special pistachios?”
“Mm, from Iran. They have a better color.”
“Iranian pistachios! Can you believe it!”
But you don’t have time to worry about Minghao and his special Iranian pistachios. You have so much to do and not enough time to complete it. Your paste is in the freezer and the sponge is in the oven, but you’ve still got two mousses to make, a jelly to infuse, and little chocolate trees to create—and all of this wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t pointless, but you don’t want to disappoint the cats by half-assing it. They deserve your whole ass, and your whole ass is what they’re going to get.
The result is stunning—not necessarily in stature, but rather craftsmanship and effort. This is what you’re capable of. This is why you came back to the tent. For all your complaining and wanting to put your head through a concrete wall, there’s nothing like seeing the judges ooh and ahh when you present your work to them. There’s nothing like the ego boost of someone taking a bite and watching their eyes light up. There’s nothing like carrying your cake back to your station feeling proud of yourself.
“Great job,” Minghao says, a genuine smile stretched across his face. He also exceeds expectations, of course. Must be those special pistachios, you think, but your congratulations are also sincere.
Production makes a spectacle of judging, much like they always do.
The set is decorated to look like a winter wonderland, even though you’re still in the midst of autumn: a giant Christmas tree in the center decked to the nines with garland and baubles; warm, golden bulbs strung from every awning they could find; all the participants bundled up tight in festive sweaters and scarves all the way to your chins, cheeks and tips of noses dusted with red-pink blush to mimic the cold that’s nowhere to be found. Fake snow falls from the sky, and it doesn’t feel real, but it does feel magical.
One of the hosts catches you by the elbow, asks who you think is going to win. “Oh, I’d have to say Minghao,” you answer, because you’d rather die than give Tim the satisfaction. “His showstopper was incredible, but he was really great the whole competition.”
In the end, however, neither of them wins—it’s Jeon Wonwoo, three-tiered cake guy, who comes out of nowhere to claim first place. He’s bashful as he accepts his prize and says he’s going to donate the prize money to an organization that provides underprivileged kids with video game equipment. No one has a whole lot to say about that.
Once most of the hubbub dies down (and you give Tim a half-assed you did great, so sorry you didn’t win), you find Minghao near the refreshments table. He’s frowning around another mug of tea. “Alright?” you ask, helping yourself to some cider.
“For some reason, I’m no longer feeling very festive,” he replies, which is a very funny thing to say while wearing a hat with a little pom-pom on the top.
You roll your lips to keep from laughing. Sidle in a little closer and knock his shoulder with your own. “Ah, I know how you feel, but you really did do great. You were my pick to win, for what it’s worth.”
“Please don’t tell me that. It only makes me feel worse for losing.”
“Yeah.” You sigh. “Would’ve been nice to donate some money to the cats, but shit, if I didn’t know better, I would’ve sworn some dark force was sabotaging me. Like, come on—forgetting to preheat the oven? Using the wrong sugar? Not even a kid would’ve made those mistakes.”
Two things happen in rapid succession: beside you, Minghao goes very, very stiff, and you realize you had been sabotaged. And not by some dark, evil force, either. You were sabotaged by the very man standing beside you—the man you shared thumbs-up with and thought was your friend. The man whose cake you complimented and picked to win. The man who is now standing ramrod straight, as tense as a corpse, and the thought of sabotaging someone in a charity baking competition is so ridiculous and unbelievable that you just—
You just laugh.
At first, it’s a bark of stunned laughter. Then, the more it sinks in how absurd, how nonsensical all of this is, you can’t stop. Tears are rolling down your cheeks. You gasp for breath as your stomach begins to ache. People are staring, including Minghao, who sort of can’t believe what he’s seeing, but none of it does anything to deter you.
“Oh my god,” you wheeze, “I can’t believe it was you—”
Minghao groans. “In my defense, it was for the cats!”
This was not the answer you were expecting. It makes you laugh harder. “What do you mean it was for the cats?”
He swallows. Removes the mitten from one hand to run it through his hair as if that one tic was enough to distract you from everything that’s happened in the last sixty seconds. (It is.) “Listen, you told me you were going to donate the money to a cat charity if you won and I just—so was I, was the thing. I was also going to donate the money to a cat charity if I won—”
“Okay, but which one, though?”
“The Cat’s Paw-jamas.” Much to Minghao’s horror, this sets you off again. “What? What’s so funny?”
“Minghao,” you try to choke out, but you can barely breathe around the cramp in your stomach. “Minghao, that’s the charity I was going to donate to. Oh my god, you sabotaged me and I was going to donate to—to the same fucking place. Jesus Christ, this is some Gift of the Magi shit.”
Your saboteur, who has gone deathly pale, is quiet for a very long time. Every now and then he’ll open his mouth like he’s going to say something before it snaps shut again. When he does manage to speak, what comes out are mangled apologies that sound like gibberish, and you wave all of them away. “It’s water under the bridge.”
“I—I really don’t think it should be?”
“Minghao, it’s fine, trust me, this was just for fun—”
“No, I really insist.”
You sigh, good-natured and exasperated. Something about the fake snow has you feeling romantic and a little bold, so you turn, grab him by the lapels of his coat. “Please tell me if I’m misreading this, but if you insist, maybe you can start by taking me to dinner…?”
This was clearly not what MInghao was expecting you to say. Dazed, he recovers quickly, the corners of his mouth tugging upward in a half-smirk. “Dinner, hm?” You nod. “I think I can manage that.”
You smile. “Great. How do you feel about cat cafes?”
🏹 synopsis: Seungkwan may have been represented by his considerably heartwarming traits, but he ruined his own fate with his vengeful and prideful behavior. Despite his flawed outlook, he can still see you in every lover — until it's you, again.
🏹 genre: greek god au ; second chance romance au ; angst, fluff, smut ; sort of former enemies/rivals to lovers.
🏹 pairing: athena!boo seungkwan x reincarnated arachne!fem!reader | side pairing: eros!mingyu x psyche!tzuyu (twice) | side characters: zeus!seungcheol ; hades!jeonghan ; hephaestus!wonwoo ; hermes!vernon ; eris!saerom (fromis_9)
🏹 word count: 40.8k (and what about it?)
🏹 rating: 18+. minors please do not interact.
🏹 warnings: human x god dynamics. swearing, alcohol. mentions of infidelity, mentions of envy-fueled death, lowkey murder. seungkwan is a perfectionist, reincarnated reader is good at everything. seungkwan can be very hot and cold, reader is way too flirty and toes the line entirely too much. smut warnings: virgin!seungkwan...surprise! multiple scenes (3 shitty ones!), oral (m. & f. rec), fingering (f. rec), unprotected sex (in this economy?!), so much heavy petting (and casual intimacy), frottage, some begging, a bit of dirty talk, lots of pet names (baby, angel, threadling, brat,etc.), dacryphilia and breeding kink if you squint (and i mean really, really squint), praise kink, biting, nipple play, riding, body worship (including the feet...mostly f.rec), a little bit of humiliation.
🏹 what to listen to: run away - tzuyu ; highway to hell - ac/dc ; back to me - the rose ; cinnamon girl - lana del rey ; she's my religion - pale waves ; i'm your baby tonight - whitney houston ; take me back to eden - sleep token ; faithfully - journey ; ruby - woozi ; cry for love - baekhyun ; spell - seventeen ; sailor song - gigi perez ; tattoos - reneé rapp.
🏹 author's note: thank you to everyone who encouraged me to write this, and this is for the greek god collab hosted by maren and aeris (link here!) for betas and support: @cheolism, @seokgyuu, and @diamonddaze01! thank you to everyone who forced me to get a fucking grip and just WRITE this. after two months of agonizing over it, writing and rewriting scenes (mostly the smut) and crying over boo seungkwan, it's finally here. seungkwan, my beloved little goblin...the brainrot has been far too real and i hope you get all the love in the world, and that this does you justice for the lack of seungkwan fics on this godforsaken app. xoxo. (star divider by @/enchanthings here on tumblr. link here.)
ONE.
It seemed you and Jeonghan were good friends by the way you speak to each other.
"Back so soon?" He calls, unsurprised. You huff, dusting your knees of rubble before looking up to him sitting cross-legged on his throne, flipping through a newspaper and tapping his pen on his chin. "Tsk, tsk."
"I'm just saying, Seungcheol shouldn't make me the best if he doesn't want me to show it off." You scoff, grimacing at the streaks of ash on your legs.
Jeonghan snorts, "Pride is a sin."
Shrugging, you slump over the table before him, ignoring the pain in your diaphragm from the very obvious arrow sticking out of it. He gives you a quirk of his brow, folding the newspaper and folding his hands over his lap. He gives you a pointed look, making you groan. "Hannie, we've been through this so many times. Can't you just send me back?"
"You know I can't." He smiles, and you throw a piece of gravel at him. Cerberus growls at you, and you stick your tongue out at the three-headed beast. Jeonghan rolls his eyes, pushing off his seat and tucking his hands into his pockets. "Say you're sorry."
"But we know I'd be lying." You try and weasel your way out of begging the god for mercy, but he just gives you a wider grin in response.
"Oh, but you're so pretty when you beg."
"You're a fucking freak." You mutter, and he just shrugs.
"You can beg or you can rot. I shouldn't even be giving you a choice, but I just like you so much, darling." He teases, flicking at your forehead. You frown, shoving his hand away before lowering to your knees.
"Come on! I promise I won't be a douche anymore." You exclaim, and Jeonghan just laughs.
"You said that the first time we had to do this. And tell me, Y/N, were you a douche again?"
"Saerom deserved it!" You hiss, pointing a menacing finger at the god.
He smirks, a thoughtful look glazing his eyes. "Maybe I should just keep you here. You'd be a nice little pet, I think." He looks around, before you shudder.
"Hell no, you'd probably make me clean the floor with my tongue." You grimace, but sigh in defeat. You feel your cheeks burn in subtle humiliation as you adjust your knees on the gravelly terrain, touching your forehead to the hot pebbles and extending your arms out flat.
You hear Jeonghan clear his throat. "Recite the oath I wrote for you."
Groaning inwardly, you feel his boot toe your rib. You scowl up at him, but the glowing maroon of his eyes tell you to get on with it. While this little odd game of Jeonghan's fruitless flirting was entertaining, his process definitely took a lot out of the two of you.
Often why Wonwoo reminds you that you should be grateful Jeonghan keeps letting you get away with it, fighting with Seungcheol constantly over you.
"I apologize." You start, and Jeonghan hums.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"I apologize for allowing my pride to overcome my senses and cloud my judgment, allowing me to perform in ways I wouldn't otherwise. I see that my ego has grown further than I can control, and I ask that you allow me to prove that I can be better by returning me to the Overworld and allowing me to perform differently. If I am sent back due to my behavior, I will honor the wishes of those who sent me, and perform under your watchful eye."
You're sure Jeonghan can practically hear your eyes rolling, but he sighs nonetheless. "Alright, you goblin. Get up, you're forgiven."
You do so excitedly, wiping away any gravel stuck to your skin. Jeonghan smiles at you, a tilt to his head before he speaks in a serious tone, his fingers carefully wrapping around the fletching of the arrow. "This is the last time, Y/N."
You quirk a brow at him as he yanks the arrow out, rolling your eyes. You couldn't really feel anything when you were down here with him, much less did you care about the blood dripping down your front. "Right, same time next week?"
He shakes his head, and you feel your brow furrow. "I talked to Seungcheol. We agreed that your presence in the Overworld, while entertaining, is fruitless. You're great at what you do, and the reason Seungcheol allows it is because he's hoping you'll eventually use it for the greater good. In your first life, you decided to challenge Seungkwan of all people. Seungkwan, Y/N."
"Listen, just because he–"
"No, Y/N. This is the last time. If you're sent back, you're staying here for good." Jeonghan says sternly, and you think you see a glint of disappointment in his eyes. "You're too smart to keep doing this, stop letting your ego get in the way. You're a mortal, and you will always be a mortal."
He turns away from you, and you hear the heavy gates of the Underworld open. Cerberus presents himself next to you, ready to guide you back out. You watch as Jeonghan carefully takes his seat again, and you purse your lips. Your hand rests on the open wound in your torso, feeling a bit of resentment fester in your lower belly.
"How are you sending me back this time?"
"I think your original form would be good, no? I know you like the crazy hair colors but we should stick to the blueprint. Maybe then you'll behave." He says, shaking his newspaper off and opening it to the crossword. "Seungkwan regrets hurting you, you know."
"Yeah, right." You scoff, feeling a pang in your chest as you recall your first time landing in the Underworld. Jeonghan had nearly sprung out of his seat, his long black hair pinned back by deep purple Gladiolus flowers. You were covered in spider's thread, wrapped tightly in the web and littered with leaves and twigs.
You'd challenged Seungkwan to a weaving contest. Your father had been highly praised amongst mortals for his talent in textiles, leading you to follow his legacy – your weaving had garnered the attention of anyone within a hundred-mile radius. This lead to your chest swelling with pride at the compliments you received, and the business you were able to bring your father.
But, like Icarus, you'd flown a bit too close to the Sun. You started boasting that not even the wisest and craftiest of gods could rival your talent – even going as far as saying that Seungkwan, the god of wisdom and craft, would fail at creating something even worth his weight in silk.
Once word reached him in Olympus, he agreed to face you. He presented himself in Lydia, quickly guided to the home you shared with your father by looking for your tapestries. The owl on his shoulder blinked at you, a soft chirp from its beak as you carefully lugged out a loom to your backyard, unaware of his presence.
Seungkwan had watched you carefully from his spot behind a few bushes, something Jeonghan had later told you as he unwrapped you from the web you were bound by. You soaked up the sun in your long dress, before carefully stretching your fingers and threading the yarn through the loom. You seemed at ease with the loom, comfortably and confidently weaving the yarn through your nimble fingers.
What Jeonghan didn't tell you?
Seungkwan – though turned off by your ego – was enthralled by you, his attraction only heightened by your beauty. He would've never assumed that you would blatantly boast god-like talent without an ounce of respect. It seemed now that he was wrong, as he watched the way your pride practically seeped out of your fingers as they did what you knew best. He couldn't help but feel a bit of jealousy tangle in his stomach.
Seungkwan waited three nights to return to your home, taking shelter in the forest around your town. He returned peacefully, with a clear mind as he knocked on your door. He heard soft laughter and a gentle reassurance to your aging father as you gracefully opened the door. Your eyes were hidden behind your plump cheeks, full lips spread into a smile as you greeted him.
"Hello."
He didn't respond nor introduced himself, only scanning you quietly. His eyes lingered on your lips, before noting your bandaged fingers folded neatly in front of your apricot-colored skirt.
"Can I help you, sir? Are you here on business?"
You'd had no idea who was in your presence. Your warm smile almost made him forget who he was.
"You're Y/N, right?"
"That's me, sir. What can I help you with? Oh, we just got a shipment of beautiful violet yarn. It's dyed–"
"I'm Seungkwan. You said you could out-weave anyone."
Your expression changed at that, your smile turning into a smirk as you looked down at your bandaged fingers.
"A god is threatened by me?"
Your voice had been teasing, but it only managed to irritate him.
"On the contrary, I quite enjoy your little act. What am I, if not a just and fair opponent?"
With that, your gaze hardened slightly, and you extended your hand. He shook it carefully, watching as you walked to the center of your village, your fingers reaching for the cornucopia carefully held by a stone carving of Dionysus. You brought it to your lips, blowing what seemed to be a memorized tune.
Children flooded out of homes, followed by their parents and even some domesticated animals trailed around. Everyone smiled at your presence in the center of the village as you replaced the cornucopia.
"Everyone, I thank you for coming out. It seems we've got a visitor." You'd gestured towards Seungkwan, earning various gasps and even a scream from a young child in the crowd. Murmuring had quickly started, your bandaged hands calling for their attention as you waved them around.
"Seungkwan, the god of wisdom, craft and strategy…has come to accept my challenge."
There hadn't been much speaking after that – the villagers quickly moved to watch as your father and a few other people moved looms out for you and Seungkwan. Your fingers quickly threaded the yarn through yours, watching as Seungkwan took his time unraveling it and threading it through. He noted your impatience through the flare of your nostrils.
The villagers watched in awe as the two of you wove like your lives depended on it – though, your art told different stories. The people had heard tales of Seungkwan's relentless discipline, only confirmed as he weaved those tales into each corner of his tapestry – and it caused a bit of anxiety to fester in their stomachs. His tapestry held symbols of peace, his infamous olive branch weaved into every space he could fit it.
Your tapestry told tales of Seungcheol – the god of the sky and his countless romantic escapades. You shunned him, intricately weaving each and every face of his lovers with yarn and creating a bigger battle to be faced by the god himself. You took the thrill and rush of the callout to continue onto the god of music, weaving Jihoon's lyre into the tapestry with tales of his manipulation of mortals with his song, as well as his scorn. You even went as far as involving who would one day become one of your closest friends – the god of the Underworld, Jeonghan.
You wove mercilessly, spilling truths that were unbeknownst to you. You expressed resentment against Jeonghan with your yarn, spewing hatred of his isolation and cruelty towards the damned. You implemented his manipulation of other gods and mortals, his way with words and the imposement of his feelings upon the damned.
You flew too close to the Sun.
Seungkwan watched as you fell frantic with pride, your fingers working almost overtime as you burned through yarn like there was no tomorrow. He was impressed, but his expression hardened at your disrespect of the gods. What could you, a mortal, ever understand about being a god?
What could you, a simple village girl who sold tapestries for a living, understand about pressure and having to guide all those to wander to where they need to be? Who were you to judge a god for having multiple lovers – had you ever had one? Who were you to talk down on a god for being cold and isolated, when you were the very same – boasting about your pride, isolating yourself to perfect a craft that would lead you to your demise? Who were you, to complain about the blessed tune of a god, can you do anything other than weave your loud-mouthed opinions?
The damned. That's who you were, if not who you would become.
"That's enough."
He'd stopped you just as you reached the end of your yarn, tearing through the tapestry you'd woven before him. Your mouth fell, watching as the god ripped your work to shreds. You, ever so human…said exactly what passed through your head.
"You gods could never imagine someone to be better than you. You, of all gods, could never accept someone that's more capable than you. Someone faster, someone wiser–"
Seungkwan decided your idea of friendly competition had taken a turn for the worse. He simply held the shreds of your work in his hands, and gave you a stern look. "Pride will get you killed, you know."
And, it did. However, you didn't exactly know how, and neither did Jeonghan – just that you were wrapped in the web, with spider-like limbs protruding amongst the rubbish tangled in the spindle and your dark hair framing your tear stained face.
It seemed you couldn't get enough of the thrill, though.
You begged Jeonghan to set you free and send you back – but Jeonghan knew of your insults directed at him through your tapestry. He'd clicked his tongue at you, eyeing your clothing. Your skirt was made of only the finest thread, your fingers bleeding through the taped cloth on them. Your hair was tangled and your skin was dull, and you were truly coming to the realization that that was all you were. A human, a mortal. A plaything, if he so desired.
Nothing in comparison to Jeonghan. Nothing in comparison to Seungcheol, Jihoon and, as much as you hated to admit it, Seungkwan.
He'd made you apologize, and he kept you in the Underworld for three days and three nights. By then, Wonwoo had come to fetch you – called by Jeonghan and Seungcheol. You'd met Wonwoo several times, often trading your finest tapestries for anything he'd give you.
He'd made you and your father a special pair of scissors in exchange for a woven satchel and the cloak you'd made of hemp for him, dyed carefully with safflower petals. He wore them as he sauntered into the Underworld, bearing a gift for Jeonghan – a pomegranate, forged from bronze and riddled with garnets of all shapes and sizes. He offered Jeonghan it as a trade-off for you, and the god accepted – not saying anything about you being free to return to the Overworld. But not without a catch, and not without a punishment.
What was the catch?
You looked nothing like yourself. You were…different. Different slopes in your nose, different curves of your ears and your legs shorter. Your fingers permanently bruised from your past life of weaving and hubris.
And it happened again, and again, and again – until Jeonghan expected you to crash into the graveled ground like a spider falling from the sky. He'd always give you the same look, the same sigh, and the same flirtatious routine. Though, the more he saw you, the more he grew fond of you. He enjoyed humiliating you, watching you squirm under his gaze – but by your eighth visit, he was tired of the act.
Wonwoo was the only one who knew how much you'd been thrust in and out of the Underworld, offering you his spare room. He and his wife had long separated, so you were simply filling the void of a companion for him.
The punishment for your shenanigans?
You lost your father, and didn't get to say goodbye.
Wonwoo took care of him, from a distance, while you were routinely jostled through the experience of living and dying, and physical change. Your father was never allowed any information about you, simply being told that you'd disappeared. No one expected him to live on in peace without his only daughter – and he fell ill with worry and stress – leaving the god of fire to beg Seungcheol to let you return to him for a final goodbye. Seungcheol refused, and your father died after three nights of hard rainfall.
Your punishment was not the worst there was. You knew that – but it still aches deep within. You challenged anyone and anything, you didn't really care to find a cure for your pain. You fought against anyone who would allow you to – your latest quest proving that you could entice anyone into a fight far quicker than Saerom, the goddess of discord and strife.
She obviously didn't take too kindly to that, sending you back down to the Underworld with a golden arrow in your chest. Leading you to this very conversation with Jeonghan – potentially your last ever conversation with him where he doesn't banish you to the depths of hell with all those who have wronged him.
You sigh, glancing down at your fingers. The same bloodied cloth from all those years ago reappeared on your hands, your bruised fingertips softly throbbing. Your apricot skirt hung carefully on your hips, the bandage top now carefully wrapped around your torso. You felt the weight of your jewelry return to your ears and neck, the singular ruby ring sitting snugly around your right thumb.
"Are you sure? Won't they remember me?" You ask softly, and for once, Jeonghan can see inner turmoil.
He shakes his head. "Everyone has either left or died. And, you're always welcome to move around as well. As far as I know…they need a weaver in Olympus."
You look up to see Jeonghan's maroon eyes glint with mischief, his smile wide as Cerberus grunts next to you. Seeing your lips curl gently, he waves his fingers at you. "I'll see you in a few decades, yeah?"
Nodding, you take a deep breath before turning your back on him, seeing the three-headed beast begin to lead the way out. "I'll see you, Jeonghan."
TWO.
Seungkwan was restless.
He promised his life to this. A life of being just, a life of being fair, a life of being a pure and sound god with nothing but the best of intentions for the mortals he helped guide. A life of losing himself, and his own desires, in order to be there for those who truly needed help, those who were truly in need of guidance and a path to follow.
He was there to answer questions and solve problems. He was there to make decisions for everyone who needed him to.
Who answers his questions? Who solves his problems, who makes decisions for him when he is too overwhelmed to think for himself?
Nobody. If he doesn't do it, it simply won't get done.
He'd even attempted to take lovers in, trying to kiss and touch his way out of his own stress only to pull away before things got too heated. He couldn't, in good faith, allow himself to submit to just anyone. The mortals were just excited to be with a god, someone who could easily break them, someone who was deemed an esteemed part of their community – he didn't want them to see him like that, not during an intimate affair. He wasn't just a notch on a bedpost; he too, felt things. He'd see hurt flash through their eyes as he casted them away, shame radiating off his shoulders as they gathered their clothing and left his temple.
He felt like something was missing in all of them. He thought about it tirelessly – he felt attracted to them. He felt lust, he felt desire, but nothing got him to the point where he felt it could be quenched. His yearning for someone deeper, someone real, someone deserving of him ate away at his heart.
He sighed, hearing the echo of his shoes against the marble tile of the temple. He'd had a long day, only to be rang with yet another qualm – a mortal who searched for a job was granted access to his temple, and had been sent by Jeonghan and brought to the sacred home by Vernon, Wonwoo, and Cerberus.
Jeonghan said the mortal was good at almost anything and everything, and was looking for a mentor to take her under as she had no remaining family in all of Olympus. Vernon and Cerberus came into view as Seungkwan reached the open doors of the temple, hearing soft laughter rip through the air as Wonwoo appeared as well, but it wasn't from him.
He sees a bandaged hand resting lightly on Wonwoo's shoulder, a hint of an apricot skirt peeking from behind Vernon's leg.
"I've missed you, Wonwoo."
His ears perk at the tone of voice. It's soft, it's melodic, it's teasing.
He clears his throat, the three-headed beast flaring its nostrils as Seungkwan takes the steps down to the gathered polycule. Wonwoo smiles at him, something mirrored by Vernon as he quickly spins around. Cerberus carefully lowers to the ground, watching Seungkwan's every move as he clears his throat again.
"Gentlemen?" He questions, and Wonwoo steps aside. He sees the long, dark hair he spun into cobwebs so long ago flowing freely down your back once more. The sliver of your honeyed skin peering through the white bandage top you wore, your taped fingers folded in front of the loose apricot skirt you wore that very day.
"Hello." You speak softly, and Seungkwan doesn't reply as your smile reaches your eyes, the same way it had the first day he'd met you. He looks at Vernon, who shrugs. Wonwoo does the same, before holding up his satchel.
"She won't take up much space, and she can help you with anything you need here. Jeonghan said to talk to Seungcheol if you have any issues."
Wonwoo seems to speak as though his word is law, making Seungkwan's jaw tick. They knew how meticulous he was – a place for everything and everything in its place. His home was holy to him, his gardens crafted so not even a single blade of grass was out of place. His windows washed morning and night to let the light in perfectly, his meals like clockwork.
He wasn't sure if there was a place for you here.
Seungkwan can't bring himself to say anything to Wonwoo and Vernon, who seem dead set on leaving you here. You carefully open Wonwoo's satchel, holding out a hemp sash. It was dyed a soft olive green, likely from nettle or dandelion leaves.
"For you. They said you like green."
He sucks his teeth, taking it gently from your hands and draping it over his forearm. Wonwoo smiles to himself as you move to stand by Seungkwan's side, who shuffles a bit away from you. Seungkwan was never one to shy away from a mortal, he took his job seriously.
"Well." Vernon gives a smirk, one full of mirth as he pats the scaly beast next to him. "It's best we get going, Wonwoo here has got quite the journey back to Lydia."
"So you're just going to leave her here?" Seungkwan asks, a bit of a bite in his tone making Wonwoo grin.
"You'll find a job for her, right? She's good at everything, she can even make you tapestries to help decorate. Your place feels like a prison sometimes." Seungkwan scowls at this, the older man reaching to pinch his cheek gently. "We'll see you around, Boo. We'll come check on you every few weeks, try not to rip each other's heads off."
The men turn on their heels and saunter off without so much as a second glance or word to either of you. He can feel you practically vibrating as they walk into the distance. He doesn't know if it's nerves or excitement, but he can't bring himself to ask as he notices your body is covered in quite a thick layer of grime. There is black streaks of dirt all over your shoulder, your arms covered in green, likely from dying the sash.
"You need a bath." He states, missing your scowl as he turns, marching back into the temple quickly. You pull your skirt up to scamper after him, your worn leather sandals clicking against the tile. He silently leads the way to a large bathroom, a clawfoot tub in the center surrounded by beautiful herbal soaps and sprigs of lavender and rosemary.
"Have you any other clothing?" He asks, carefully turning the knobs of the tub and receiving a steady flow of water.
He rings his ringed fingers under it as you shake your head. "No, just…this."
You gesture at your dirty clothing, making him click his tongue as he nods. "I'll find something. Feel free to use anything here, and I'll be back."
He can feel your eyes trail after him as he leaves, before hearing the soft thwip of your clothing being pulled off your body, the jingle of your jewelry being pooled together. He hears the splash of the water as you lower yourself into the tub, and a hum as you test the temperature.
He scurries off to his bedroom, throwing open a few of his drawers to see if he has anything he could offer you. You looked exactly the same as before, but he'd sworn that you'd died. He'd wrapped the cobweb so tight, he was sure you would have kicked the bucket at some point.
But, here you were. As if you didn't remember, as if nothing had happened between the two of you that would make you want to hate him. He had to tell you, right? It was the just thing to do, the honest and right thing to do.
He grimaces to himself, yanking a white chiton out of his drawer. It'd been a gift from a former lover, but it'd be your pajamas for the night. He shuffles around for towels, taking the softer ones out of his closet before trekking back out and hearing you hum a soft melody. One that reminded him of Jihoon, his tunes of love and desperate isolation.
When you come back into view, your entire body is submerged below the soapy water. The bandages on your fingers soaked through as your hand dangles over the edge of the tub, your thumb ring a sparkling contrast. Your legs are crossed, one foot in the air as you examine your toes. It was like it was your first time on Earth.
"Here." He drapes the items over the towel rack a few inches away, and you look up at him. Your face was stained as well, a few odd lines likely from streaming tears paving their way through the dirt on your cheeks. You give him a smile.
"Can I ask you for a favor?" You ask gently, and he sighs, folding his hands in front of him before nodding. You sit up, your bare chest peeking over the soap as he looks away. "I can't…my fingers are really messed up."
You hold your hand up, the bandages threatening to peel off before you close your fingers again. "Can you wash my hair?"
This is innocent. Even seeing you in the nude, meant nothing to him. He'd done this for dozens of mortals who had worked under him. He knew he was a tough guy to please, his perfectionism often shown in the pricking of his pupils' fingers and their sore joints. He nods.
"As you wish."
He moves around as you adjust, dragging a stool from behind the door to the tub and lingering at a shelf in the wall. "Rosemary? Lavender? Thyme?" He gestures at the jars of infused shampoos, and you shrug your shoulders.
"Whatever you'd like is fine."
He plucks the rosemary shampoo off the shelf, opting to roll his sleeves up and sliding his rings off before he sits at the stool. He shoves the rings in his pocket, before running his fingers under the running water once more to ensure its warmth.
"Lean back for me." He murmurs, and you tilt your head back, letting the water stream over your hairline and brows. Your eyes flicker open, watching as his hands gently card through the tangled locks, carefully undoing the knots you'd acquired.
It's not long before his dull nails are working the shampoo into your scalp softly, making your shoulders sag in relief. He assumes you'd been gone for a very long time, probably under the watchful eye of Jeonghan and whatever other damned souls were down there. He scratches behind your ears softly, making you shiver and close your eyes as you lean into the touch.
"How long has it been since you've had a bath?" He asks aloud, and you sigh quietly.
"In this form, or the others?"
"The others?" He echoes, and you peel an eye open to look at him.
"I remember you, you know."
He tries not to let relief show in his face as he nods with an unimpressed look. "I figured as much, otherwise Jeonghan wouldn't have sent you here. Your second chance is my punishment."
"My ninth chance." You murmur as he tilts your head back into the running water, the shampoo running off the sides. You close your eyes again, and Seungkwan says nothing as he rakes his fingers through your hair. He gently rubs the dirt off your cheeks before you move away.
"I don't expect you to like me, nor do I expect you to do me any favors beyond this one. I'm only here because Jeonghan said he wouldn't send me back again, so I have to be on my best behavior." You mutter, sitting up before tugging your bandages off with your teeth and flinging the wet cloth onto the floor by your dirty clothes. Seungkwan grimaces, before watching as you grab a bar of soap and run it under the water.
"I can take care of myself. You can go now." You say, the gentle tone gone as you lather the soap off the bar and gently work it into your face. Your fingers are so bruised he worries they hurt.
He stands, replacing the stool to its rightful spot and moving towards the door, stopping at the threshold. "Your room is down the corridor to the left. You are the only other person in the temple, so you will have to work with me if you want to stay here. I hope that's understood."
He doesn't give you a chance to reply before closing the bathroom door behind him, almost slamming it as he walks away. He walks to his kitchen, dragging a tub of beeswax his previous pupil had collected carefully over the course of her time in his temple. She tended to his gardens, before sending her on her way back to her village with a new skill to use for profit.
He can hear you clamber about, but chooses to focus on his task. He's carefully melting the beeswax in a pot, when he hears you walking around the temple. He doesn't move except to gather his ingredients – peppermint oil, calendula infused oil, olive oil. It would help your fingers, and hopefully you wouldn't be so stuck in your ways this time that you end up hurting yourself trying to be the best.
Something he has yet to learn how to stop doing – but if he admits to imperfection, if he admits to flaws, is he a god?
You're pacing around the temple and taking everything in, he can practically hear you murmuring to yourself as you wander into the kitchen, nearly bumping into the dining table.You catch yourself, and he continues to watch you out of the corner of his eye as you pick through the fruit in the bowl. You pull an apple, rubbing the skin against his chiton.
Your teeth sink into the flesh of the fruit, the crunch satisfying to his ears as you inch closer to him. You're peering over his shoulder, when he finally speaks.
"Do you always just make yourself at home?" He asks, and you're so close to him he can practically feel the shrug of your shoulders.
"This is home, isn't it? I'm here for a while, maybe the rest of my measly, mortal life. Might as well be a nuisance to you, oh wise one"
You're teasing him, provoking him. He knows he shouldn't buy into it, that's what landed you back here in the first place.
"Watch it." He snaps, and you giggle behind him.
"Whatever you say."
Your words are drawn out as you prance out of the room, a hum from your throat as you do so. He grumbles to himself as he measures out everything perfectly, heating everything just right so it will help your fingers in the best way possible.
He should be freaking out. He should be storming the Underworld right now, demanding Jeonghan take you back to whatever hell you were in before he sent you to him. He should be angry that you're in his presence, your ego so hard to swallow even when now you've only been sent back as a way for Seungkwan to right his wrongs.
Or so he thinks.
However, just as you are vain and you are prideful, Seungkwan is selfish and Seungkwan is intolerant of your disrespect. It could very well be a challenge not only sent by Jeonghan but by Seungcheol, to prove his worthiness and show that he can be perfect, too.
Not that any of the gods were perfect by any means.
He sighs, carefully pouring the mixture into a tin, where it'll slightly solidify and you'll be able to use it as a salve for your tired hands. And eventually, your tired feet, because you certainly won't have any downtime.
He carefully walks back towards his bedroom, the hot tin in his hand as he does so. Your head of curls is seen ducking into the room, and he tries to hold back his annoyance as he turns into the room as well.
"What are you doing here?" He announces as you throw open his shutters, the moonlight illuminating the room and your frame as you stare out the window at the rolling hills of his backyard. You don't look back at him as you take another bite of your apple, crossing your arms and leaning on the windowsill before responding around your food.
"I told you, this is my home now, too."
He doesn't respond, choosing to slide the hot tin onto his vanity before carefully slipping his shirt over his head, the worn wool tossed into a woven basket by the door. You're not looking at him, but he's hoping you'll get the hint and get out as he disappears into his closet. He removes the rest of his attire, grabbing his robe and tying it around himself before exiting the closet to see you now draped across his reading chair, a lit candle in your hand as you skimmed his open books.
"You have books in your room," he calls, and your eyes twinkle with something he can't place as you blow out the candle. He watches as you replace it gently, and push off his chair.
"Goodnight, wisest one."
You blow him a kiss as you skip out of his room, and he feels like he might be stuck in a constant state of déjà vu. He shakes his head, grabbing a towel before heading towards the bathroom. He sees your clothes still gathered on the floor, struggling not to roll his eyes as he drapes his towel over the rack, carefully picking your clothes up and placing them inside a wooden basket by the door. He turns the water on, and is about to take his robe off when he hears you knock at the door.
"Kwannie? Can I call you Kwannie?" You call, and he tongues his cheek in annoyance as he flings open the door.
"Yes, Y/N? How can I help you?"
You shrug, "I don't like my bed. Can I have yours?"
He scoffs out a laugh, before seeing you blink up at him owlishly. "You're not being serious."
"But I am, Kwannie! I'm a guest, you wouldn't let your guest sleep on that horrible bed, would you? You're a gracious host." Your hands are holding onto the fabric of his robe, your thumbs circling it before his hands are on your wrists, pulling them off him.
"You take what you're given, threadling." His voice is stern, and he's about to close the door when he sees the pout on your lips, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose before sighs. "Fine, take the bed."
"Really!?" You squeal, making him shut the door in your face.
"Don't. Just go to bed."
Seungkwan couldn't stop thinking after that. He quietly slipped into his bedroom after his bath, seeing you sound asleep with his pillow covered in your mess of curls. Your lips were slightly parted, slivers of your teeth illuminated by the moonlight. He took the moment to look closely at your face, a few surface-level scars scattered across your skin. Your eyes were thickly lashed and you had deep bags from lack of rest.
You left the other side of the bed with the covers pulled back, almost inviting him to slide in with you. He eyes it, taking the pillow and tucking it under his arm.
He sat at his desk, watching your even breathing as he slid the pillow against his lower back. He wonders who else you challenged and why they sent you back. He wonders why they gave you so many chances as a mere mortal, and why Seungcheol didn't strike you down the moment your insults gained wind.
"Stop staring at me."
Your voice rang through the room, and Seungkwan just tilted his head.
"No."
Your head moves up slightly, and you sigh. "Whatever."
You roll onto your side, facing away from the open window. The moonlight now shines on your back and legs, and he notes the way your feet peek out from under the wool blanket. Your toenails are painted in a chipped carmine, and he simply sighs to himself as he crosses his arms over his chest and attempts to get comfortable in the wooden rocking chair.
"You'd be much more comfortable on the bed." You call, and he hums in response. His head rests against the wooden rest, crossing his legs at the ankles as you sit up. "Seungkwan."
"Yes, threadling?" His eyes are closed, hands folded in his lap as he responds.
He shows no interest in what you could possibly have to say. You're just another chore to him, another mission he must complete to prove himself. He'd be a fool to fall for your charms, or your deceptions. You could flirt all you want, you could challenge him all you want – but he won't give in to you.
Not again.
THREE.
The night had continued without another word from either of you, and you were not in bed when he woke up. He heard the soft running of water and assumed you decided to bathe once more. Seungkwan's back was incredibly sore, but he rose with the sun anyway. He stretched on his patio, before retreating into the kitchen to make breakfast – spotting you tinkering in there already.
You're not wearing what he gave you yesterday – instead, a red, glittering sash from his collection bunched and pinned, tied around your waist like a skirt. It dropped to your mid-thigh, and your chest was covered by a pinned piece of white linen you'd likely found in his closet, something he didn't have use for.
You really knew how to make something out of almost nothing.
You stood in front of his stone oven, holding the wooden peel as a staff and tapping your bare foot against the marble floor. He peers over your shoulder to see a dimpled focaccia with halved cherry tomatoes and coarse salt above the flame. Your eyes are illuminated by the fire baking it, and your shoulders jump when you hear him speak behind you.
"What are you doing?"
"Making bread. We should really go to the market, you've run out of fish." You respond, gesturing to the table. He looks over his shoulder, seeing an array of fresh fruit and goat cheese neatly placed on plates from his cupboard. There is a pile of juiced oranges and a few carrot peels in his compost bin, and the juice sits in a pitcher next to the jar of honey.
"I left a salve for you on the vanity. Did you put it on?" He asks, not moving from behind you. You nod, holding up your free hand. Your fingers are freshly bandaged, this time in strips of linen. The salve was carefully spread around your fingertips.
"Why are you being so nice to me? You killed me off eight years ago, what makes now any different?"
Your question catches him a bit off guard. His head whips up to look at you, and sees you already staring down at home. The flame in your eyes is just as intense, if not more, than the one in the oven. It's like you resent him.
"I'm not a human. I don't have to admit or explain anything to you, we're not the same." He speaks with confidence, and it only makes your brow furrow deeper.
"You don't have to be human to admit your wrongdoings. You killed me off because I made you look bad, Seungkwan."
He scoffs, adjusting his pajama shirt. "I sent you to the Underworld because your ego was absolutely suffocating. I don't understand how anyone within a ten-foot radius wasn't crushed by the sheer weight of your hubris."
"Isn't this my land, too? Isn't this where I can express my feelings and my rights, where I can–"
His hand comes up, cutting you off just like he did the day you left.
"You are a human. You can train to be the best, you can try to do whatever you desire in this world. You will never be perfect, therefore you cannot compare where you don't compete."
He can tell the words hurt you as your eyes glaze over slowly, but you refuse to back down.
"I may not be perfect, but you're also far from it." You grumble, turning away from him to take the bread out of the oven. "Being a god means nothing. You're just like me, all you've got is something fancy to show for it. Something that proves that there are favorites in this world. Without your so-called wisdom, without your so-called perfect presentation, you'd be just like me."
He doesn't speak, feeling a bit of fury pool in his stomach.
You carefully pull the bread out of the oven, sliding it onto the cooling rack you left on the counter. You adjust the wooden peel against the wall, before turning to him with one last slip of your tongue.
"You may be a god. You may be good at what you represent, you may be rich in wealth and you may be handsome. Your fellow gods boast your compassion, but you've shown me none. You are nothing but a frail shadow of a man playing pretend, nothing but someone who lacks what life is truly rich with – love."
His eyes scan your face.
"What would you even know about love?"
He doesn't like the way you smile at him.
"You'd like to know, wouldn't you? You'd want me to tell you all my secrets, to show you what it's like to be normal and not have to live up to anyone's unrealistic expectations." You're stepping closer, a finger to his chest as you speak. "You'd love to know what the touch of a woman feels like, what it's like to be coddled and kissed and touched until you can't think anymore."
You're so close that your lips are brushing the shell of his ear now, and he can feel your lips curl into a smirk as you whisper.
"You want to be forgiven for your sins, but you know if you ever so much as think of telling anyone how much of a screw-up you really are, you'll be seen as less than. Less than your peers, and a disappointment to your elders. You want to be loved, but to be loved is to be known. I don't think you're ready for that."
He feels you brush past him, and his face heats in embarrassment as he hears your feet patter away, and the door of your bedroom shut tightly.
He ignores the tear that slips down his face, letting it drip onto the floor as he scans the array of breakfast once more. He's not hungry. He hates that you've chipped a bit away at his façade, he hates that you're able to read him so easily. It only means he has to try harder to dominate this relationship.
The rest of the day was filled with nothing but silence and tension.
After your encounter in the kitchen early that morning, it seemed you had no interest in interacting with Seungkwan. He didn't really care, taking the time instead to make the trip to the market. He'd heard you rustling about in your bedroom before he made his leave, and assumed you were trying to make yourself comfortable.
It'd begun raining after he left, making him agitated as he watched vendors put up their tarps in the market. He carefully roamed through the market, picking the best produce amongst the selections. He even stopped by a textile tent and picked out a few fabrics for you, assuming you'd need more clothing. He packed everything and made his way home, parasol over his shoulder as he arrived.
Only to enter the temple and see the oven aflame again, but you are nowhere near it. A loud roll of thunder sounds overhead, and he hears a soft sigh from the gardens. He leaves the items he got on the table, quickly making his way towards the garden doors to see you standing with your hands clasped behind your back, your clothing clinging to your skin as you let the rain drench you.
"You're going to get sick." He calls from the threshold, and you only peer over your shoulder at him. Shrugging, you turn back to look over the flower field he'd carefully curated, and he sees a few sprigs of lavender tucked over your ear. Your hair has been long soaked, sticking to your shoulders and back as he groans inwardly.
"Y/N, come inside."
"No." You turn to face him. "I like the way it feels."
"The rain? It's cold and you're wet, your clothes are ruined." He says pointedly, and you shrug once more, looking up at the sky.
"We were born naked, we will die naked. Who cares?"
"You're being existential and it's freaking me out, come inside." He rolls his eyes, and you tilt your head at him.
"Why don't you come out here? Have you ever danced in the rain?"
"I don't dance, Y/N. Now, come on. I won't ask again."
You seemingly oblige, slowly strolling back to the limestone and stopping a few feet in front of him. He steps to the side, assuming you'll walk inside. You shake your hand, holding your hand out. "Dance with me."
He rubs his temples, a grimace on his face. "Didn't you say Jeonghan told you to be on your best behavior? This doesn't seem like very good behavior."
"He said best behavior when you're bossing me around, not when I get to simply exist. It won't kill you to indulge me, aren't you supposed to be warm and welcoming?" You argue, your hand not dropping from where you've extended it.
"I'm supposed to guide you so you don't do something stupid, and you're here so I can ensure that your life can bring you something of fruit. Now, come inside, before I bring you in here myself." He's stern, but he can't help and notice the way your eyes flash as you take a step back.
"You're going to have to catch me, then." You're shrugging dramatically, and Seungkwan groans.
"Y/N, don't do this."
"I like it when you beg." You smirk, taking yet another step back. His jaw ticks and he sees you sprint off the limestone patio and into the flower field. He crosses his arms, letting you get as far as the marigolds before he sighs inwardly, stepping out into the rain and walking towards the field. "Gotta be faster than that, Seungkwan!"
He scowls at your teasing, feeling his stomach churn as he breaks into a jog, watching as you twirl into the zinnias. He doesn't like this, feeling like he's following your lead because you refuse to respect him as a god. He doesn't like the fact that he feels his shoulders less tense at the idea of it, and his mind has only the goal of dragging you inside before you get sick.
"Missed me, missed me!" You call, even making a show of doing a curtsy into the tulips. He's close enough to grab you, but waits. Your back is turned to him when he grabs your arm, pulling you to him.
"Y/N, this is not a game." He mutters as you let him tug you close, a smile on your lips proving your enjoyment at making him work to catch you.
"Yet, you played along." You reply coyly, before he rolls his eyes, and you nearly scream as he single-handedly throws you over his shoulder.
"No more of this. You're going to have a bath and we're going to eat and go to bed. The real work starts tomorrow."
You're silent as he walks the two of you back to the temple, feeling your cheeks hot at the placement of his ringed fingers around your thigh. You don't really like Seungkwan, because, well – you resent him for having sent you to the Underworld over friendly competition. But, you're still just a woman, and the feeling of his warm fingers gripping your skin was proof of carnal desire's existence within you.
He sets you down in the threshold, his nimble fingers making quick work of the pins in the makeshift skirt you'd wrapped yourself in earlier that morning. This seemed normal for him, gathering the pins between plump lips as he nearly ripped your top off. You weren't complaining, his knuckles brushing against your skin gently. "Go. Bathe. You'll get sick."
"Seems like an excuse just to see me naked, Seungkwan."
"Go." His voice holds a bite before he gathers your hair in his hand, carefully wringing the water out just outside the doorway. A soft push of his damp hand on your shoulder makes you move forward, and you make your way to the hallway, peering over your shoulder to see the god grimacing as he peels his own top off, a low whistle from your lips before you disappear down the hall.
You can hear him groan as he walks around, likely cold from the rain. "Would you like to join me?" You call, and hear a scoff from the kitchen.
He doesn't respond, and you hear the trickle of water into the sink. You assume he's wringing your clothes out, and you shrug as you draw yourself a bath once more. You scour his shampoo jars carefully, this time grabbing the citrus one. The bathroom quickly fills with soft basil and grapefruit notes, and you sink yourself into the warmth of the water.
You don't know how much time has passed when you hear a soft knock at the bathroom door, and Seungkwan clearing his throat before asking if he can come in. You hum in approval, choosing to keep your eyes closed as he opens the door. You wear the soft brush of his robe against the door, and you ignore the disappointment settling in your stomach.
"I got you these at the market. I figured we'd be able to make something of them." He holds up a few pieces of linen, different patterns catching your eyes as you peel them open. You nod excitedly, leaning over the edge of the tub to look closer.
"I have pins and sewing needles somewhere around here, we can get some measurements done when you're out." He says pointedly, giving you a quick once over before he holds up a towel and places it on the rack. "Be quick."
"Don't you also need a bath?" You ask, leaning your cheek on your palm.
He gives you a quizzical look. "Did you expect me to take it with you?"
"Would that kill you? To be enticed by a human?" Your smile is sly, but he rolls his eyes.
"Mortals and gods are meant to interact, Y/N."
"Have you ever slept with one?"
His brow furrows, before he scoffs. "Do you always ask such personal questions?"
Shrugging, you lean back into the water. "Just wanted to know. I know some humans like sleeping with gods, it makes them feel important or whatever." You roll your eyes, and he just waves you off.
"I've no need to sleep with a mortal. There's a certain insatiability to humans that I simply don't have time for." He states, and you look up at him with squinted eyes.
"You mean…?"
Sighing, he leans against the doorway of the bathroom. "Once you start messing around with humans like that, you can't stop. It's like…you feed off their mortality. You become addicted to how they feel, how they taste, how…vulnerable, they are."
He looks a little disgusted as he says this, but shakes it off as he looks at the linens in his hands. "It would make me an unjust god to involve myself that way. My job isn't to bring you…sexual gratification."
"Is that why Seungcheol is the way he is?" You ask, and you don't miss the way Seungkwan's eyes trail the way your legs peek over the soapy water. Shifting, his eyes snap back to yours, "No, Seungcheol is the way he is because he likes attention. He needs it to function."
Rolling your eyes, "He's the god of the sky, everyone practically worships him."
"Everyone but you, it seems." He says, and you smile at him.
"Am I supposed to?"
"My job is to guide you, but I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, you're a mortal. You've got free will." He clicks his tongue, before his fingers toy with the doorknob. "I'll be in my bedroom."
"Get pretty while you wait for me." You wink, and he scowls.
"You're such a brat."
The door closes before you can say anything, only a laugh from your chest as you unplug the drain, watching the water slide down. You rinse off with the running water, carefully squeezing your hair of excess as you step out of the tub, gingerly wrapping the towel around yourself and tucking the corner in.
Opening the door, you carefully walk down the hall to Seungkwan's room, hearing him rustle around before you knock. A muffled come in is heard, and you open the door to see him holding a few pins in his mouth as he drags a step stool to the center of the room. His eyes glance up at you, before he beckons you forward. You walk in, arms crossed over your chest as you watch him get situated.
"What's all this?" You peer at the materials he's laid out, seeing a pair of scissors oddly reminiscent of Wonwoo's style.
"I can't have you working under me without proper attire. So, we're going to do some measurements, and I'll have this done by morning."
"So I'm expected to be nude for the next few hours?" You scoff out a laugh, and he gives you a raised brow.
"I have a few robes, if that'll make you feel better? It doesn't bother me either way, it's your body."
"And you've never been attracted to a mortal?" You tease, causing him to pinch the bridge of his nose before taking a deep breath.
"You won't let this go, will you?"
"You may be a god, but you're also a man. Forgive me for assuming you think with both heads." You say, perching on the edge of the step stool and crossing one leg over the other. The towel bares your thighs, and he shakes his head.
"Not being intimate with mortals doesn't mean I don't feel lust or desire." He rolls his eyes, and you smirk at him.
"But you won't give into your desires because it shows you're just as human as any of us, right?"
He sighs, beckoning you to stand. "On the stool, please. Careful." He holds his hand out for the towel, and you peel it off slowly before handing it to him. He drapes it over the back of his desk chair as you step onto the flat seat of the stool.
He analyzes you carefully, walking around your nude body with his fingers tapping his lips. "Do you prefer your clothes loose?"
"On the bottom, easier access if I want to execute my free will." You use air quotes, and he snorts.
"All humans are the same, riddled with their own desire."
"I'm just a woman, Seungkwan. I have needs, too." You roll your eyes as he holds a piece of linen to your hip, before his other hand trails your back to meet the two corners of fabric together. He pins it carefully, before you speak again.
"So what do you do? When you're overwhelmed with want?" You make a show of your words, jazz hands around him as he drapes fabric in certain ways for a different flow.
He shakes his head, "Do I have to answer that?"
"What are you if not an honest god, Seungkwan?" Your teasing makes his jaw clench, you notice, but you say nothing as he pins the fabric in another spot. He doesn't respond, instead choosing to drape the fabric yet another way for more dimension.
A few more folds and pins later, he steps back and looks at his work. "Pretty?" He asks, turning you to face the mirror behind you, his hands on your hips as he watches your reaction change into a timid smile.
"Yeah, pretty."
"Perfect." He nods, unpinning it at the hip so it can stay together as it falls off and he drapes it across the bed carefully. "I'll sew this for you and it can be your outfit for tomorrow! I think you need sleepwear, right?"
He taps his chin as he thinks, scanning the remaining fabrics. "I don't mind sleeping like this, actually. I'd rather have more day clothing." You speak as you step off the stool, and he hums in response.
"Are you sure? It can get quite cold in the bedrooms." He says, reaching for a bright yellow piece of linen. He holds it up to your chest, a quizzical look in his eyes as he gazes at you carefully.
"You can warm me up if I get too cold, can't you?"
"What is it with you and these odd little questions, threadling? Are you attracted to me?" He rolls his eyes, not expecting you to shrug your shoulders.
"I'm human, not blind. I might not like you, but I can appreciate that you're nice to look at."
You worry his eyes might get stuck in his head if he keeps rolling them, but he shakes his head as he pins the yellow linen over your shoulder. "Humans, such odd creatures."
"Odd is good though." You say into the air, and he smiles as he raises your arm to pin the fabric against your ribs.
"Odd is good, you're right. It keeps me entertained."
"I'm not going to be your jester, if that's what you're alluding to." You warn, and he actually laughs, for the first time since you'd arrived.
"Nonsense, I'd never put you in that position."
"What about others?"
His face is closer than it had ever been as he pins the fabric around your neck, and he lets out a hum. "I guess we'll never know, will we?"
You're not satisfied with that answer, but Seungcheol made you good at everything – including luring people into your web of lust and yearning, making them a moth to your flame. Surely, Seungkwan was no different.
"But we could." You murmur, trailing your eyes down the soft curve of his jaw. Sighing, he steps back slightly and you feel his warm breath against your skin as he turns you to face the mirror once more.
He holds the loose fabric in his fingers, pulling it taut against your torso. "We'd pin this back here. What do you think?"
"I think you're avoiding my questions because you're scared of giving in to me." You say pointedly, watching his face in the reflection as he purses his lips.
"Do you like the draping or not, so we can try something else?"
"Yeah, I like it." You roll your eyes, feeling the fabric become loose once more as he lets it go, carefully moving around to unpin you. His fingers linger against your skin, before you're nude in front of the mirror once more.
This goes on for a while, different linens being draped across your body in almost an expert manner. Pins are carefully put in and pulled out, and soon his bed is covered in your carefully folded options and set aside to be finished for you.
"Here, I'm going to take a quick bath and then we need to eat dinner." He slides a robe over your shoulders, prompting you to slip your arms through the soft silk.
"So seeing me like this does nothing for you?" You try again, and he just chuckles in disbelief.
"Do you want me to compliment you or something? You realize I've seen plenty of naked bodies in my lifetime, right?" He says, replacing the stool in the corner of the room as you perch on the edge of the bed.
"Oh, I'm sure this is the norm for you. Just loads of beautiful women throwing themselves at you because they think you have something to offer them."
"And yet, they never get anything from me." He nods, not seeing the way your eyes widen.
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. You're not the first human to be in this temple, and you might not be the last. Everyone needs me for one thing or another, and once they've gotten their fill, they think I can offer to fill their carnal desires. I guess they see it as a payment, but it's honestly just a bit insulting." He shrugs, and you hum in response.
"So you've never…slept with a mortal?" You ask, leaning on your hands as he rustles through his closet, conjuring a towel and returning in yet another robe.
He shakes his head. "I never let it get that far."
"But you'll do other things? You'll let them touch you?" You prod, and he shrugs, with a smile.
"I like the game, not super into the prize. As much of a prize as a mortal can be, I guess. I know they don't really want me for me, so I just play along until they realize I won't be giving them what they want. At least, not fully."
"What does that mean, though?" You call as he begins to take his walk down to the bathroom, and he sighs loudly.
"Why does it matter, angel?"
Your lip twitches at the pet name. You choose not to respond, instead letting the conversation seep into your mind and hopping off the bed, making a beeline for the kitchen.
Might as well make myself useful, you think.
It doesn't take long to prepare a light dinner. Wine, oiled bread and carefully speared fruit. You're forcing a skewer through lamb chunks when you hear him wander into the kitchen, the top notes of his minty soap slightly overwhelming.
You are just a woman, after all.
"Lamb?" He asks, and you can feel the heat of his body behind you.
You hold up the skewer, nodding, "I figured it'd be quick and easy. I'd like to get to bed early, you said tomorrow would be my demise."
"You're dramatic, that is not what I said." He snorts, moving away from you to get the fire started. The two of you work in unison to get dinner on the flame, opting to sit on the same side of the table and sip your wine as you stare at the fire.
"Do you ever feel lonely?" You ask, resting your wine in the dip of your lap. He shakes his head.
"No. I've heard a lot about that, though. Humans feel like they need someone, or something, to fill a void. I think it's just a feeling of emptiness because they've yet to love themselves and choose to fill the hole with material things, or attempt to patch it with someone else."
He sips his wine as you gawk at him, a scoff from your throat.
"That's not at all what that means, Seungkwan."
His head lolls to the side, a smile on his lips. "Isn't it, though? What do you take it to mean?"
Okay, maybe he's right. Maybe.
"It means that you…the human emotion is very complex, you know? It means wanting more, it means being satisfied with yourself but wanting companionship. It means–"
"It means humans are greedy." He interrupts, and you almost miss the way he inches a little closer. "It means all you do is take, and take, and take. Humans are slaves to the desires they feel, you don't really need anyone to be happy or fulfilled. It's all a human concept."
Your nose scrunches as you grimace, and he sighs, sliding his cup onto the table. "Humans act like loneliness is…for example, you see the stars." He gestures to the window above the counter, the sky now clear and the moonlight floods into the kitchen.
"Humans want to say that loneliness is the stars in the sky looking wrong. Or, they make up things like speaking to the moon and hoping their lover is somewhere else, looking at that very same moon and doing the same. Humans are experts in yearning, because of that free will you've been granted." He states, and you slide closer to him, your thigh bumping his.
"So you've never yearned for anyone?" You ask, looking slightly down at him as he leans back onto the table.
He shakes his head, "I've never had anyone be worth enough to pine after. I'm just not the kind of god that needs that fulfillment, like Seungcheol or Wonwoo."
"So you don't think any mortal and god love stories could be successful? Or any love stories, in general? Have you got a glacier for a heart?"
He hums, "I do think it's possible, to love and to be loved. However, let's take Mingyu and Tzuyu, for example. Mingyu fell in love with her after striking himself with one of his own arrows. They've been inseparable since, but that doesn't mean they have a beautiful love story. It started as an honest mistake, and now they've been together for as long as I can remember."
"Don't you remember how much Tzuyu fought for him after she betrayed him? How she faced his mother, who wanted her dead, to win him back? You don't think she loves him after all she suffered to earn him, and then Mingyu taking her to Seungcheol to make her into a goddess, moved by her love and dedication for him? You don't think that's far more than just a mistake?"
"What, you believe in fate?" He asks lazily, and you scoff.
"Yes! I do! I believe they were destined to be together!" You argue, and he smiles.
"You would believe that, yeah. After all, Tzuyu was a mortal. Maybe you want the same for yourself."
Your brows furrow, and you knock his shoulder gently. "I would never want to become a goddess, I'd rather die than fall in love with some god who thinks he's too good for me."
"Oh, but isn't that what Mingyu did? Fall in love with a mortal despite being better than her, and bringing her to his world to have her forever?" He raises a brow, and you scowl.
"Mingyu doesn't think that he's better than Tzuyu, otherwise he would have never asked Seungcheol to turn her into a goddess."
Seungkwan sits up, his face now mere inches from yours as he speaks. "She betrayed his trust, after he said he could never see his face. Don't you know why that is?"
"Have you ever thought that maybe it was to protect her?!" You tongue your cheek in annoyance, the acknowledgement of knowing maybe you're subtly wrong appearing on your face. He smiles, returning to his original position before sighing.
"You're somewhat right, I guess. But, I get it. I can see why that's a beautiful love story to you, full of forgiveness and dedication for a lover. Even if it did start off wrong, some of the most amazing stories never have very clean beginnings." He nods, before standing to retrieve the now cooked skewers from the fire.
You eat silently, the two of you still staring at the fire as you chew. Seungkwan swipes his napkin across your lip a few times, and you find yourself missing the touch as you clean up. He finishes off his wine, and yours once you offer it, and diligently washes both cups as the cicadas chirp outside the window.
Following behind him as he leads the way, you're hesitant to walk past him to your own bedroom. You'd lied about the bed, it was fine. In fact, you were sure it was better than Seungkwan's.
"Something on your mind, angel?" He asks as you stop a few feet from your door, and you can almost hear the smug smirk on his face. You tap your foot, wondering if you should admit to the silly little fear of yours. "Closed mouths don't get fed." He calls again, and you huff, turning on your heel and walking to stand in front of him.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?" You mutter, hearing his tongue click and echo around the temple.
"Why? And it's not that my bed is better than yours, I know that."
You scowl, "I don't like sleeping alone. I don't like the dark."
His amused look is hidden by his hand over his mouth, a pout on your own as you cross your arms. "You're such a human."
"You're being mean." Mumbling, you push past him and tug the covers off his bed. He watches you silently, your robe sliding off your body and pooling at your feet before you slide into the warm duvet. He bites back a laugh, before stepping into the room and gently closing the door behind him. Walking up to the bed, he picks the robe up and hangs it on the bedpost, before rounding the frame and copying your movements on the opposite side. Your eyes are open, and you watch as he slips in next to you.
"Stay on your side. You can obey that, right?" He says into the air, facing away from you as he pulls the cover over his waist. Your eyes trail his back, shoulders slightly tensed as he gets comfortable. You want to reach out and touch him, but choose to clench your hands under your pillow, before sighing and turning the other way.
"Goodnight, Seungkwan."
"Goodnight, angel."
FOUR.
Somehow, Seungkwan was on the other side of the bed.
You were nestled into his naked torso, your lips pouted against his neck. Your hair was a mess around you, your leg flung over his waist as you slept soundly. He rolls his eyes, wondering how to get out of the position without waking you. It's barely dawn, he likes some time to himself before dealing with the mortals that are honestly the bane of his existence.
He gently wraps his fingers around your knee, moving you off his body with precision. He'd never let any of the other mortals sleep in his bed, much less with him, but he knows it's the guilt from killing you off years ago.
Unfortunately, Seungkwan is far too aware of his wrongs. In the past, he'd gotten scolded by several of his peers due to his harsh nature. He and Vernon got drunk over an aged wine a few years after your disappearance and Seungkwan admitted he'd jumped the gun on punishment.
What he didn't know was that Vernon spoke to Seungcheol about it, who then spoke to Jeonghan about it. That's how they came up with sending you back to Seungkwan for your last chance at life, maybe you could right your wrongs with each other. You both struggle with pride and yearn to be perfect, never wanting to admit when you're wrong.
But you were human, you knew you couldn't be perfect. You had a softer heart, not having seen the things Seungkwan had seen or lived the life he'd known. Seungkwan had built his walls up nice and high, and rarely let anyone in to take a peek. You in his bed was something he'd never allow if you were just anyone.
He knows it's also his attraction for you coming to the surface. It didn't take a genius to realize that it was this he'd been looking for in every lover he'd ever tried to have – your witty remarks, your obvious disinterest in him or his skills as a god. You weren't looking at him as some being worth worshiping, but someone who needed to be loved, to be held together and forgiven – despite resenting him.
He knows you can't possibly know how much his past decisions weigh on him, but it is scary to think that you can sense something about him. You know something, something that makes him feel uneasy, and it's what's inside. You know his pain, his truth, his heart.
Sighing, he softly rolls you onto your back, covering your bare frame with the duvet. It's only half true, what he said about your body – he's amazed at every curve and dimple, he wants to run his hands all over you until the end of time. He likes the way your hips swing as you walk, the bounce in your step and how soft your cheeks are. How soft you are.
What kind of god is he if he gives into his desires? If he sinks his teeth into you like a cat catching a mouse, if he lets you teeter him around like a puppet for just a taste of you? What kind of god is he if he lusts after you when he knows getting involved with mortals won't end well for him, especially when he knows the moment you sink your claws into him, he'd be a goner?
Not much of a god then, is he?
"Don't go." You murmur, eyes still closed and brows scrunched as you touch his wrist. He jolts slightly, but moves to pull away anyway. "I have to. I need to make your clothes." He whispers back, the sun beginning to peek in through the open window.
Pouting, you pull him closer. "Just a little longer."
"The sky's awake, angel. I have to be up." He works your fingers off his wrist, splaying your hand across his pillow. "I'm still in the room, I'm not going anywhere."
This seems to be enough for you, as he grabs the robe you wore the night before and shrugs it on. He wipes at his eyes carefully, stretching before he slides off the bed. He tucks the corner of the duvet under the pillow, watching your fingers grasp at the pillowcase.
He moves around quietly, gathering the linens he'd pinned for you the night before. He sits at his desk, opening his drawer to get his glasses out and prepares needle and thread. Glancing up, he sees you pouting still, burying your face into his pillow with a sigh – and feels a twinge in his chest.
Zeroing back in, he quietly sews the linen as the sun rises slowly. You toss and turn, frustrated sounds coming from the direction of his bed enticing him to look over – but he doesn't. It's not until he accidentally pricks his finger with a pin that he notices you've gotten up and are settling on the floor next to his chair.
"What are you doing, threadling?" He asks, almost as if he doesn't really care what you're doing.
"Can't sleep." You mutter, reaching your fingers out to touch his ankle as you lay down, wrapping yourself like a burrito in the blanket. He peers down at you, seeing the way your fingers ghost over his skin when he sighs, pushing his chair back carefully.
"Alright, come on. Get up."
You groan up at him, feeling him move away from your fingertips as you sit up. "What?"
He doesn't respond, choosing to walk away from you and sink back into the bed. He huffs a bit, trying to hide the giddy feeling in his stomach as he sees you slowly approach. "Quickly, before I change my mind."
You climb onto the bed at that, abandoning the blanket on the floor as you lay next to him, your arm loosely wrapping around his torso as he pulls the duvet over you. "Don't lay on the floor again, okay? Just ask me to come back."
"I did, you left me anyway." You murmur, a sad look etched on your brows before you sigh into his robe. He stops himself from comforting you, his fingers aching to run through your wild hair and biting back his apology. He sits silently, letting you drift back asleep holding his hip.
He doesn't like wasting the day. He knows he should pry himself away, and pull you out of bed too. He just can't bring himself to disturb your peace that way.
He gives in, his fingers gently stroking your hairline, moving stray hairs off your face. You lean into the warmth of his hand as he moves the hair off your neck, thumbing the shell of your ear carefully before clearing his throat.
"We've got a busy day, Y/N. We need to get up."
His fingers graze your neck softly, before his thumb caresses your jaw. You sigh into the air as you open your eyes, looking up at him. "It's so early."
"Early bird gets the worm. You've yet to have breakfast and get dressed. Come on." He's speaking softly, his thumb now tracing circles into your soft cheeks. He can't help it, pinching the fat gently before moving away.
Thankfully, you don't question his actions, just sluggishly throw the duvet off your body. He holds up the skirt from before, the ruby red material glittering in the light. "This one, yes? And the pink top? Or the white one?"
"What is this, dress-up?" You yawn, and Seungkwan frowns. "Be nice, I made this for you."
"Sorry, oh wisest one. Dress me like a doll." You stand and stretch your arms up, and he rolls his eyes as he carefully wraps the skirt around you, feeling your hands on his shoulders as he pins it in place.
"Maybe I'll add a little drawstring so it's more secure, hm?" He's speaking to himself, but you nod anyway.
"Arms up." He says, before tugging the soft white shirt over your head, carefully slipping your arms through. "There we go. What do you think? Pretty?"
He turns you to face the mirror once more, hands on your hips as you sleepily look at yourself. You nod in silence, and he cards his fingers through your hair gently, pulling it back and pulling a piece of white ribbon out of his pocket. He ties the hair back carefully, the ribbon looped into a bow. "So it won't get in the way. Oh, and I'll get my leathersmith started on some shoes for you sometime this week. You'll just be indoors today, so don't worry about getting hurt."
You're peering at him through the mirror, your hands folded in front of you as you speak. "Why do you ask if I think the outfit is pretty?"
He raises a brow, "Why the question?"
"You asked if I think I look pretty. Why does it matter? It's just us." You shrug, the flowing material of the skirt flowing smoothly as you turn to face him. "And it's not like you'd tell a mortal she's pretty, would you?"
Seungkwan can feel that same guttural guilt he felt earlier slowly begin to slip away. He couldn't figure you out – you could be so sweet, so flirty and pouty, and then you could be this. Defiant, bratty, argumentative.
"Can't I want to know if you feel good in what I'm making for you? Would you rather I make you wear a sack? Or walk around nude for anyone to see you?" He scoffs, seeing you smile inwardly. "Does anyone involve you?"
He doesn't respond, shaking his head as he sinks into his closet.
Yeah. Anyone involves him, and probably just him.
The morning was messy.
You and Seungkwan bickered over breakfast, ending with the entire kitchen being covered in flour, spilled milk all over the floor and broken eggs across the counter. He'd pulled a recipe from his collection and said that since this was day one of you officially working under him, you'd have to learn how to cook, clean, tend to the garden, amongst other things. You didn't think a dozen biscuits would make you snap.
He'd watched you carefully the entire time, correcting you every time you were wrong with an almost hawk-like precision. It began to irritate you, so you started to make snide remarks. Something about him looking down on you, something about him not trusting you to make a stupid recipe. He'd given you a hard look and said that measuring was important, prying the wrong measuring spoon out of your hand.
It took a bit more of Seungkwan saying that's wrong, wrong measurement…for you to throw an egg at him. You missed just barely, with Seungkwan grimacing as the egg splattered and slid down the wall. You mixed angrily as he watched the egg pool on the floor, before his eyes took in the mess you'd made all over the kitchen – spilling milk from him telling you that you poured too much, flour dusted all over the floor from him telling you to let the dough rest before you molded it.
It resulted in Seungkwan leaving the kitchen to collect himself, before returning to seeing you watching the dough intensely. Your impatience would be the bane of his existence.
Neither of you spoke after the portioned dough went into the oven. Jaws tense, shoulders rigid as you moved around each other to clean up. Or rather, as you cleaned up and he sliced fruit for breakfast.
It seemed that neither of you really wanted to do anything else, either, as you watched Seungkwan tinker around the garden alone. He'd said nothing about needing space, but you figured it was probably what was best – so you dragged the stepstool to his bedroom window and watched as he carefully picked flowers from the garden, your eyes drawn to the decorative patches of daisies.
You felt a bit like a prisoner. Nobody had told you whether or not you were allowed to leave, or go beyond the temple. You were sure Seungkwan wouldn't force you to stay here, after all, he'd reminded you quite a bit of your free will. Free will that you can't really act on, because then you'd be invading him.
It felt almost like a betrayal, the way your body responded to seeing him again. Like he'd grown more interesting to your brain, something sunken in the back of his gaze that said maybe he liked seeing you, too. It was annoying, how you felt this overwhelming need to be around him, even if you knew you just wanted to bicker and bother and nag him. You wanted him to be sorry, you wanted him to show you he was sorry for what happened between you all those years ago.
Unfortunately, you also know well enough to understand why he did it. Pride, the easiest sin of all, had marked you as its prey. And it's fine. You're fine, you think, because if Seungkwan can sin so can you.
Sighing to yourself, you've seen that the god has vanished from the garden. Your eyes gaze upon the vast garden, searching for him when you hear his light footsteps echoing in the temple. You refuse to look back, hearing him enter the bedroom as you cast your eyes to the windowsill. A butterfly rests carefully, when you hear him clear his throat.
"I'll be going into town. Don't expect me home before nightfall."
You turn quickly, your eyes wide. "Can I go, too? I don't want to be locked away here like some damsel in distress."
He shakes his head, "Not tonight. I'm just meeting a friend. You can go wherever you please, but I bought something for you from an old student of mine. I'd like you to be here to receive it."
He's rolling his sleeves up, and you see now the basket of flowers he'd been gathering placed gingerly on the vanity. "Are the flowers for her?"
"Her?" He echoes, and you narrow your eyes. "It's a her, right? The friend you're meeting?"
"Jealousy isn't a good look on you, angel." He taunts, before swiping his hair back carefully. "Again, I'll be back before nightfall. Roam the gardens, meet the few neighbors we have, do as you please. Make sure you eat dinner."
In a way, you feel like a neglected housewife.
"You're leaving now?" You don't mean to sound so sad, so small. So…needy.
He looks at you over his shoulder, a raised brow. "You don't want me to?"
You don't say anything, flitting your eyes to the flowers on the vanity. He sighs, walking towards you and reaching for the window shutters. He pulls them closed, "Looks like rain, anyway."
"No, go. You can go, don't stay because of me." You rush out, standing quickly. He glances at you carefully, eyes narrowed. "It's Mingyu and Tzuyu, they'll understand."
"Please, go. It'll do me some good to be alone with my thoughts for a while." You nearly clasp your hands together in prayer, as if begging him to leave. He's hesitant, eyes scanning your features quickly before nodding.
"I'll be home soon, okay?"
You nod as he inches back towards the doors, and you pull the shutters back open, letting the setting sunlight back in. He takes the basket of flowers gingerly and you retake your seat on the stool quietly, before calling out to him.
"See you later."
Seungkwan can barely hold himself up as he nears the temple. Mingyu and Tzuyu offered to drop him off after their dinner together, but he refused – insisting he needed some time to think.
Tzuyu had asked about his latest pupil – upon hearing that it was you, she nearly choked on her wine. He simply focused on his mushroom soup, insisting he didn't really care.
Mingyu hadn't bought it, and casually dropped you into conversation every chance he got. He waxed poetic about the way a mortal loves, the way they feel, the way they taste. Everything Seungkwan had been told was like a drug – and something he couldn't bring himself to indulge in any more than he already had – despite it not ever doing much for him. He had even told you so – mortal and god relationships weren't for the faint of heart, for eventually, it'd be the god left standing alone.
So, no. He wouldn't indulge – even if the god of love himself was encouraging it.
Mingyu and Tzuyu were a special case. It wasn't everyday Seungcheol had something pull at his heartstrings, such as the love between the couple had. A love that proved imperfection could be overlooked, that Mingyu's heart sang for Tzuyu as the birds did every morning.
Seungkwan just blinked and drank his wine, keeping quiet as the trio eventually scoured the market.
He had seen a few things he thought you'd like – many a ball of yarn, skirts that wouldn't fall lower than your mid-thigh woven from dyed silk and sparkled with glued rhinestones. But one thing caught his eye most – a gold necklace with a small emerald pendant.
Representing growth and renewal, the emerald mocked him. Representing you returning to the Overworld to change, and choosing to change for the better. He bought it, and shoved it in his pocket as Mingyu and Tzuyu perused new linens for their home.
Seungkwan understood that he could desire you. He could, and that it was perfectly okay to get involved with you. It was perfectly okay to explore your body, to become one with you, to let you into his heart and let you make yourself at home in it. His fear wasn't in the commitment or the fact that it was you, someone he'd hurt so long ago – but the fact that your suspicions of his imperfection would ring with truth. He knew he wasn't perfect, he knew that he had his flaws – but what kind of a god was he to admit that to a mortal?
At this point, he considers admitting it to himself to be progress.
Sighing, he grabs the pillar of the temple to steady himself. He'd drunk a bit too much to stand up straight, but he was coherent enough to hear you toss and turn as he entered the sacred home. Your groan was evident, as was the thwip of his bedsheets as he quietly walked down the hall.
He tugs his shirt over his head before opening the door softly, watching as you shoot up in bed with the duvet covering your chest.
"You're home." You breathe out, and he just nods silently, stumbling into the closet and fumbling around as he peels his clothes off. He hears the clatter of the necklace he bought on the marble tile, before looking down and picking it up. He holds it up to the moonlight, before grabbing his robe and shrugging it on, slipping the jewelry into his pocket.
He doesn't acknowledge you as he walks to the bathroom, beelining for his toothbrush. He could bathe in the morning – he just wants to lie down next to you and breathe you in.
"How was it?" You call as he trudged back, his hands shoved in his pockets as he slightly swayed from side to side. Shrugging, "Ate. Talked to Mingyu and Tzuyu. Got a little drunk, I'm definitely going to feel it in the morning. Sorry."
You smile at him, shaking your head before pulling the duvet back as he reaches the side of the bed. You're sitting with your knees to your chest, and he catches a glimpse of the skirt you were wearing earlier hung across the back of his desk chair. "Do you ever wear clothes to bed?"
"Just when you make me." You shrug, and he shakes his head, biting back a smile. "I got you something."
You quickly tuck your legs under yourself as you sit up, the duvet falling off your body and the moonlight illuminating your skin. He tears his eyes away, pulling his hand out of his pocket and holding up the necklace. Your hand floats to your chest, having abandoned your own necklace in the bathroom the day you arrived at the temple. It felt too heavy, then. Too synonymous with your first life.
"It represents growth. You're making a choice to grow as a person, and make better decisions. No matter the reason behind it, you're still attempting to make amends and I think that deserves a small reward."
Your eyes are wide as you stare at him, his fingers carefully unclasping it and beckoning you closer. He watches as you scoot to the edge of the bed, wary of him as your knees touch his thighs. "I don't bite, you know. Not unless you want me to."
"Haha, very funny." You roll your eyes, and he raises an eyebrow before his hands ghost over your skin. His fingers carefully hold your hair out of the way as he clasps the necklace around your neck, the pendant sitting low on your chest. He fixes it, twisting it so the gem faces out. "I expect you to treasure this."
You blink up at him, before wrapping your arms around him and enveloping him in a soft embrace. "Thank you." You whisper, and he feels himself tense up as you squeeze gently. His hands ghost over your back, before slightly shaky fingers touch the warmth of your skin.
"You're welcome, angel. Did you eat dinner like I said?" He asks, not having the courage to pull away from you, not when your warmth feels so…something. You nod against his chest, your cheek pressed against his skin making him feel a little hot.
"It wasn't much, I didn't like being by myself."
"I'm here now, angel. I'll take you with me next time, I promise." He reassures, feeling his stomach feel with giddiness at the thought of spending time with you around his friends. Okay, that involves admitting Mingyu was right – but he doesn't need to touch base on that just yet.
"Oh, your friend dropped by." You make no move to get out of his grasp, his fingers now subconsciously tracing circles into your lower back. "Mmh? Did you like your gift?"
He'd asked Chan to source a loom for you. He knew it was something you liked, and probably something that could fill any free time that he managed to have. He knew it'd remind you of your father, too, and he wanted something to give you a sense of belonging.
"I love it. Thank you." You murmur, and he feels your lips press lightly into his chest. Warmth blooms in his cheeks as he pulls away from you, his hands sliding up your body and now resting on your shoulders.
"We'll be in the garden tomorrow, so we should get some rest."
You nod, laying back onto the bed, inching over to your side (that wasn't really your side, just 'yours' because you refused to sleep in your room.) He hung his robe on the bedpost, and slid under the covers, facing away from you and urging the heat in his body to go away. HIs mind doesn't get to wander much further, though, as your sigh is the last thing he hears before he hears before he feels his eyes heavy with sleep.
He could think about it tomorrow.
FIVE.
Okay. This is normal. This happens to everyone. This happens to everyone.
…He's not everyone.
He's trying to convince himself that your ass pressed against him isn't affecting him in any way, shape or form. He's trying to think of the most disgusting things to make his hardening cock go down so he doesn't wake you so lewdly. He can't even fucking move away from you, because somehow, throughout the night – you managed to get him to spoon you, and now your fingers are interlocked with his over the top of his hand.
He's literally trapped between a rock (hard boner) and a hard place (again…his boner.)
He tries not to let his internal panic show as he controls his breathing, carefully trying to pull himself out of your grasp. He feels your grip tighten around his hand, and peers over to see your brows furrowed and lip jutted out in a pout.
"Stay." You murmur, obviously completely oblivious to his predicament.
"I have to get up, angel." He wiggles his fingers under yours, making you sigh discontentedly. "You said you'd stay if I asked."
He did. He did say that.
"I know, angel, I know. I'll come back, I promise." He murmurs, and he sees you peel open one of your eyes and gently twist your head to look at him. Your eye scans his face, before you close it and turn back.
"If you want me to help you, I can. It doesn't have to mean anything."
He chokes slightly, seeing you snuggle your face further into your pillow.
He wants to. He really, really wants you to touch him, he wants to feel you all over him. He wants to hold you close and feel everything you have to give him, taking everything you want to give him.
He feels your thumb gently stroking his knuckles, the cool metal of your ring startling before you speak softly. "It's just me. I won't hold it against you if you don't want to, or if you do. It's normal."
Your reassurance isn't something he expected nor knew he needed. He clears his throat, before the warmth of your hand has moved. You're turning to face him, peering up at him with sleepy eyes. You're so beautiful.
He doesn't realize he's staring at you until he feels your nails gently raking up and down his torso. Your eyes are drinking him in carefully, before they ultimately close again and you nuzzle your nose into his neck without a word. Your fingertips graze the tip of his cock, making his hips jerk involuntarily as a whine rips through him. He hasn't been touched by anyone that isn't himself in years.
And now, it's you. Your hands, your body, you.
"Can I make you feel good? Please?" You press soft kisses into his neck, nipping lightly at his skin. He nods quickly, a muffled yes slipping past his lips as he covers his mouth with his hand. You push him onto his back gently, trailing kisses down his neck and chest as you take his weeping cock in your soft hand. You hold it as your teeth graze at any inch of skin you can reach, before looking up at him.
"I can't kiss you, right?"
He can feel his heart ache at the slight…sadness? in your tone, and the way it shows in your eyes as he shakes his head no. "I…"
"You what? You're sorry?" You roll your eyes, squeezing his length gently. "Don't be, gorgeous."
He doesn't get a chance to respond before your tongue is on him, running carefully along the underside of his cock. He covers his mouth with his hand, a shudder running through his body as you spit in your hand, stroking him slowly and pressing kisses all over his stomach. His free hand grips the duvet, before you slot your fingers in his.
You don't look at him as you take him in your mouth, your tongue licking gently as he groans softly. His fingers squeeze around yours, and you hum to yourself as you sink further down his length, gagging around his tip as his hips buck. A whimper from his throat tears through the air as you stroke what doesn't fit, hollowing your cheeks slightly.
He's holding back noises, the room filling with the wet sound of his cock hitting the back of your throat. Soft huffs of yeah, murmurs of holy f-fuck only spur you on further, feeling his hand untangle from yours to card through your hair and move your head up and down at his leisure. His grip tightens as you swirl your tongue around his tip.
"Oh my…" He whines, and you tease your tongue down the thick vein. "Oh my…what? Oh my God?"
He scoffs at you, but his words fade on his tongue as you sink down on him again. You gag around him, pulling a throaty moan from his bitten lips as he cants into your mouth. "S-Sorry, I can st–"
You groan around him, feeling his tip twitch as it touches the back of your throat again. He whimpers, his release spilling into your mouth. It's a little salty as it coats your tongue, but you slide him out with a pop. Your tongue diligently cleans the mess, overstimulating him as he squirms, pushing your head back.
You trail soft kisses up his torso, nipping at his chest before moving up his neck. You peer down at him, eyes locked with his as he blinks up at you. "All better, right?" You say gently, and feel your chest swell with pride, seeing his cheeks tinge pink as he looks away.
Shrugging, you brush his hair out of his eyes, kissing his cheeks lightly. You press a kiss to the tip of his nose, smiling as he scrunches it. Lowering your head, your teeth tug at his earlobe before you speak softly.
"Always an angel, never a god." You murmur, your lips brushing the shell of his ear as you slink off the bed. You stand up straight, stretching your arms over your head with a soft groan.
You don't see his humiliated expression, flipping your hair over your shoulder as you make your way out of the bedroom. You don't see the way he covers himself with the blanket as you turn into the bathroom, or the way he hides his face in his hands and angrily wipes at his eyes.
Always an angel, never a god.
The day went by quietly.
You bathed and made breakfast, and stayed…mostly true to your word. You didn't bring up anything that happened that morning, and Seungkwan didn't say anything about your condescending comment afterwards. He chose to spend his day in the garden, even as the rain started falling.
You watched from the doorway, holding the cloth he'd given you right after breakfast. He'd instructed you to wash the windows around the temple, and you'd done so without a fight. A part of you felt that today wasn't a day to mess with him, but you also figured that what you'd said this morning was enough to knock him off the pedestal he'd put himself on.
You felt a little guilty, but was it not the truth?
What kind of a god is he to fall prey to your temptation? What kind of a god is he to take from you what he's not willing to give, to your knowledge? What kind of god is he, to judge you for being lustful, to judge you for yearning for another's touch, when yours made him come undone?
Not a very good one, that's what. Right?
You watched him as the rain fell, the way his brows furrowed as he continued picking flowers and wrapping herbs with twine. He walked around like the rain did nothing, and you sighed inwardly. You turned on your heel, abandoning the bucket of soapy water and the cloth in lieu of entering the kitchen, rooting around for his kettle. You'd grabbed a towel earlier and draped it over the back of the dining chairs, hoping he'd come in eventually.
He'd want something warm, you think.
You busy yourself with making a warm tea, hearing Seungkwan groan as he slips his wet clothing off at the entrance. You hear the wet plop of the clothing dropping on the floor, and you hear his teeth chatter a bit as you peek your head around the corner.
His chest was blooming with evidence of your teeth on him from earlier. You feel your chest fill with heat as you notice the prominent trail of love bites down to his waist. Your eyes widen as you grab the towel, silently trekking the expanse between you and holding it out to him. He gives you a frown.
"Take it, you'll get sick." You grimace, and he ignores you as he kicks off his shoes, his fingers toying with the buckle of his belt. He pulls it through the loops, tossing it to the side when you huff, shoving the towel into his chest. "You're going to get sick!"
"I don't need your help, Y/N." He shoves it back, and you scowl, the words tumbling from your lips before you can stop them.
"You didn't mind my help this morning. Take the fucking towel."
His eyes narrow as he chooses to turn away, shoving his pants down his legs and kicking the soaked material out of his way. "I didn't need it then."
"You're such a fucking brat, Seungkwan." You throw the towel on the ground as he pushes past you, heading towards the bathroom. You storm back into the kitchen, your brain telling you to dump out the tea.
Unfortunately, you don't quite listen to your brain very often. You pour the tea into a cup, hearing the rain slow down. Looking out the kitchen window, you see it stop entirely. You start to think the rain is symbolic of every time you have a spat with Seungkwan, and you wouldn't put it past Seungcheol to try and Pavlov that idea into your brain.
Grimacing, you stir in a spoonful of honey. The only water you hear now is that of the running faucet in the bathroom, and you felt your chest heavy as you think of Seungkwan.
How his skin felt under your bruised fingers. The way he tasted. Something soft, balanced. How he reacted and how he forced himself to hold back, how his fingers felt as they squeezed your hand for dear life.
You shake your head, biting down hard on your cheek to ground yourself. This was ridiculous. Today was only the fourth day of him…'mentoring' you. It seems that the two of you had forgotten that that was why you were sent here – to 'develop' your skills, to 'embrace' your mortality, to 'find yourself.'
Quite the contrary – it felt an awful lot like you were losing yourself in this. In him, the comfort of his bed, the warmth of his touch and attention. You weren't complaining – truthfully, it'd been a long time since you felt desired, or any sort of desire bubbling within you. There was that one time with Wonwoo six years ago, and that oddball moment with Jeonghan right after your fourth visit to the Underworld.
This…felt different.
You felt guilty, you felt like you weren't putting your best foot forward. With Jeonghan and Wonwoo, it was something that happened in the heat of the moment. Something that was for the instantaneous satiation of both parties, and you were never one to shy away from a night of fun with anyone – including mortals. You'd had your fair share in just your first life, why would you stop now?
Seungkwan…felt like something just out of your reach, as much as you hated to admit it. He felt like something you had to work towards, someone you had to prove yourself to. He held himself in a high regard, with standards that you weren't so sure you met.
But he looked at you with such an intense mix of disdain…and desire. Something that screamed he didn't want to look at you as anything more than yet another pupil, but he couldn't help his eyes from wandering. He could lie to you all he wanted, but you feel different.
Sighing, you leave the tea on the table, clasping your hands behind your back. You walk silently out of the kitchen and down the hallway, passing the bathroom just as Seungkwan opens the door. He gives you a quizzical look but you continue on anyway, making your way to your bedroom.
The place is barren aside from the bed, the lamp, a pair of nightstands and the loom you were given. The floor is colder here than the rest of the temple, and you don't know if that's on purpose or not. You flop onto the bed with a grunt, your head hitting the pillows and you stare at the ceiling.
What is the point of you being here, anyway?
You and Seungkwan hardly speak. He's not teaching you anything you don't already know – even if baking a dozen biscuits isn't your strong suit, you can make a decent batch. You know how to pick pretty flowers, you know how to make tea, you can make clothes and you can certainly weave a damn good tapestry.
Why can't you just keep doing that? Why can't you just keep your word to Seungcheol and Jeonghan and stay out of Seungkwan's way?
"It's because we don't trust you."
You jolt out of the bed, your head just barely missing the edge of the nightstand as you fall off. You feel your shoulder hit the corner of an open drawer, drawing a loud fuck! from your lips.
"What the fuck are you doing here?!" You groan from the floor, and Jeonghan just chuckles as he hops through the open window, rounding the bed to kneel beside you. You sit up, rubbing furiously at your shoulder in attempts to soothe the shooting pain.
"A little bird told me you were being a bad girl, Y/N."
"Oh fuck off, I was not!" Whining, you look at the already bruising skin under your shirt. You scoff, peering up at Jeonghan, who smiles down at you. "So what do you call sleeping with the enemy?"
"I did not sleep with him! I merely performed a sexual act for him. God forbid I have a little fun." You scowl, and Jeonghan pinches your cheek gently. "Seungcheol is not happy about it, darling. You know the rules."
"The rules were I don't challenge anyone. You never said I couldn't go down on the person holding me hostage." You say pointedly, making Jeonghan snort out a laugh. "I mean, I don't care. I get it, and I think I know you better than anyone when I say you're not interested in Seungkwan for what he can offer you, but what you can discover about him…with him."
You slump against the wall, a pout on your lips when you hear a knock on the door. Jeonghan's eyes grow wide as Seungkwan edges the door open, worming his arm through and holding a plate out to you.
"Dinner."
"You eat alone here?" He asks, and Seungkwan's head pokes through the crack with eyes so wide, you feared they'd pop out. "Jeonghan? What are you doing here?"
"Just reconnecting with my little troublemaker." He shrugs, pinching your cheek as you frown, shoving his hand away. Seungkwan's eyes show his conflicted feelings, and he simply steps in and slides the plate on the nightstand. "Bring the plate back to the kitchen before sundown."
He spins on his heel, and leaves. The door shuts quietly behind him, and Jeonghan gives you a knowing look. You give him a sheepish smile in return, but neither of you make a move for the light dinner on the nightstand.
"You eat alone?"
"No. I think…ugh." You bring your knees to your chest, burying your face into them as you groan. "I fucked up, Jeonghan."
"Oh, good! The plan is working!" He cheers, before reaching for the plate on the nightstand. "Here, let's split this lovely dinner. I'm a long way from home, you know."
You just groan again, and Jeonghan clicks his tongue at you. "That's the whole point of this, darling. You get knocked down a few pegs, and Seungkwan gets loosened up. Granted, neither Cheollie nor I figured you'd go this route but, whatever works."
"Cheollie?" You snort, and Jeonghan shrugs. "That's my best friend, and he pays for all my fish. I can call him whatever I want."
You shake your head as Jeonghan offers you a piece of bread, and you bite into it as you lean your head back against the wall. "He hates me." You mutter around the bread, and Jeonghan laughs.
"I'd argue the opposite, my dear. I think that the two of you find each other very intriguing. It's almost like two cats sizing each other up before deciding if the other is a threat. In this case, you're a small cat with a huge ego and he's a big cat with…well, a multitude of problems. You are human enough that you know how to relax, but also annoying enough to figure out what buttons to press to rile him up enough to break."
"I don't think calling me annoying is helping your case here, Jeonghan." You smack his thigh, and he laughs gently. "I just think the two of you balance each other well. You're so painfully human, and so open about your flaws. Seungkwan has a hard time admitting aloud that he isn't perfect, because this lavish life we live…it weighs on him. Sometimes, I wonder if Cheollie did the right thing."
"What do you mean?" You ask, taking a piece of sliced peach off the plate and peeling the skin off. Jeonghan shrugs, and speaks around a chunk of fig.
"Seungkwan is very loved, don't get me wrong. However, Seungkwan is quite literally Seungcheol's biggest headache. He came about after Cheol had yet another affair with someone aside from his ex-wife. Seungkwan cannot fathom being anything like Seungcheol in regards to his adulterous behavior and incessant need for attention, so he isolates his heart."
Jeonghan turns to you, eyeing the furrow in your brow as you chew. "You bring it out of him, you know? The ability to feel more than he allows himself to. The range of emotions is much broader with you around, and we feel like it will be good for him."
"You know he said he won't kiss me?" You mumble, and Joenghan leans his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. "I know, darling. It's addicting, the kiss of a mortal. You should know better, your pretty lips are what gets you in trouble."
You scoff, but sigh.
"How does he know? Has he…kissed other mortals?" You don't know you're pouting until you feel Jeonghan's thumb on your lip. "Plenty. I think…maybe there is something different about you to him. Maybe it's the guilt."
"Or he's in love with me." You roll your eyes, the phrase feeling foreign on your tongue. You'd never been in love before, and to be honest, you didn't care to be. Jeonghan hums next to you, before looking up. "Maybe."
There is a moment of silence before you choke out a laugh. "Yeah, right. The guy hates my guts."
"He doesn't hate you, darling. He just doesn't understand you, but that's why you're here." Jeonghan shrugs, before pressing a kiss to your temple. "Be a good girl, okay? He's trying his best, just like you are."
"I'll try my best, Jeonghan." You sigh, watching as the god stands, and stretches before he steps in front of the window. "And, Y/N?"
"Yes, Jeonghan?"
Jeonghan smiles, his maroon eyes flashing with a hint of mirth as he swings his legs over the windowsill. "Don't fall too fast."
You scoff as he disappears, and look down to pick at the last piece of fruit on the plate. Half a fig.
Sighing, you pick it up and stand, walking towards the door and opening it. You slip into the hall quietly, noting the moonlight lighting the temple nicely. Walking into the kitchen, you see Seungkwan nursing a glass of wine as he sits in front of the oven.
There's yet another dimpled focaccia with halved cherry tomatoes and coarse salt baking before you. The two of you had practically inhaled the first loaf, sneaking bites throughout the last two days. He looks up as he hears you step in, lips pursed before turning back.
You sigh inwardly, shoveling the last fig you picked at into your mouth before leaving the plate in the sink. He says nothing as you slide into the seat next to him, but offers his glass. You take it silently, keeping your gaze forward.
"You don't like skin on peaches?" He asks quietly, and you press your lips into a thin line. "No. My dad always peeled them for me."
"Dads…" He nods, and you glance at him. "Yeah. You're…Seungcheol's favorite, right?"
"Don't." The wine bottle from behind him is brought to his lips, and you stare at your fingernails. "Don't…what? Isn't he–"
"Hardly." Seungkwan mutters, and you don't press further. You know that Seungkwan doesn't resent or dislike Seungcheol, all the gods in this world seemed very close and proved it often. Seungcheol has spoken highly of Seungkwan in all the times you've ever gotten to speak to him, usually in Jeonghan's presence. Typically over a dinner before Jeonghan would send you back with Wonwoo and Cerberus.
Seungkwan sighs beside you, and you resist the urge to reach and touch him. You grip the edge of the bench, forcing yourself to stare at the bread before Seungkwan gets up, taking it out carefully with the wooden peel. He slides it onto the counter, before the fire goes out in front of you.
"It's nightfall. Off to bed." He murmurs, and you nod silently, downing the rest of the wine in the glass he gave you. He takes it, gently placing it into the sink as you stand. "Goodnight, Seungkwan."
"You're sleeping in your room tonight?" He asks, eyes expectant. You clear your throat, feeling your cheeks burn as you nod. "Yes. At least, I'll try to."
He hums, nodding. "Good luck, threadling. I'll see you in the morning."
Pushing past you, you hear him walk briskly down the hallway, his heavy door opening and shutting before you even turn around. You let out a breath you weren't aware you were holding, running your hand through your hair as you spin on your heels, quickly walking down the hallway.
"Fuck." You mutter to yourself as you breeze past his bedroom, hearing him rustle around. You were good at many things and feared almost nothing – but you held this fear near and dear to your heart. You hated being alone, and you were scared of ending up alone forever.
You're as human as they come.
You skirt into your room, quickly closing the door behind you and closing the open shutters of your window. You light the lamp on one of the nightstands, stripping quickly before ripping your duvet off and wrapping yourself in it. Sitting on the bed, you scoot up all the way until you're practically sitting on your pillows, and bring your knees to your chest.
It's time to learn to be alone.
Seungkwan can't sleep.
He's been laying in his bed for what feels like hours, tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling.
He sighs, knowing that your absence is taking a toll on him. He felt bad about everything that has happened throughout the day, but he can't bring himself to admit that to you. He can't bring himself to say sorry about speaking to you the way he did earlier, or making you eat alone, though it wasn't his intention. He just assumed you'd want to be alone, but his heart sank when he saw the teacup you'd left him, so warm and sweet and everything you were that he couldn't have.
Groaning, he kicks the covers off, grabbing his robe off the bedpost and wrapping it around himself. He slides out of bed, walking to his door and yanks it open, letting it go as he takes the sharp turn down the hall to your bedroom. He can see the glow from the lamp under the door, and he wonders if he should knock.
He decides against it, choosing to open it slowly. He sees you curled up against the wall, your eyes half closed when he clears his throat. You jump, eyes filled with panic when you finally see him. He bites back his laugh as you scowl, walking towards your bed. He kneels on it, tugging the corner of your duvet over your shoulder.
"How are you holding up here?" He asks, and you frown as you turn away from him, screwing your eyes shut. "I'm fine."
"You're sitting on your pillows, angel." He tuts, making you groan. "Go away, Seungkwan."
"And to think I was going to ask if you wanted to move to my room." He sighs, and you peel one eye open, looking him up and down. "As if you'd spare me."
"Contrary to popular belief, I was going to do so." He says pointedly, and you turn to face him. Your cheek is lined with the rough pattern on the wall, making his heart ache. He felt awful that you were forcing yourself in here, and he clicked his tongue.
"Come on. You're not faring well in here, it seems. It's only just that I spare you this one time." Rolling his eyes, he ignores your small smile. "This one time, he says. What a just and fair god."
"Shut up." He stands upright, and he hears you sigh as he turns away. "I'm sorry about earlier, Seungkwan."
He stills, hearing you clear your throat. "I said one thing and did another, that wasn't fair of me. I shouldn't have said anything about what transpired this morning–"
"You're a human, Y/N. I'd be foolish to fully trust your word, you know that, right?" He interrupts, and you're silent. He peers over his shoulder, seeing your eyes narrowed as you slip off the bed, keeping the duvet wrapped around you as you shove your way out of the bedroom.
He sighs, putting out your lamp before following suit. You're already in his bedroom by the time he reaches the door, and you're laying on the very edge of the bed. As far as you could be without being on the floor, and as close as you could be to another being so as to not be alone.
He shakes his head, closing the door behind him. Slipping his robe off, he slides into the bed. His stomach is far more at ease having you at arm's length, being able to just barely make out your frame from under your layered duvets.
"Goodnight, Seungkwan." You mutter, and he turns onto his side. "Goodnight, angel."
SIX.
You didn't sleep very well, you weren't going to lie to yourself.
It was like you were on the verge of falling asleep, but it just never happened. You could feel your body more sluggish than you'd felt the past few mornings.
However, today, you were once more graced by Seungkwan pressed to your back. The sun wasn't up, the sky gloomy as you turned in his hold. His eyes were closed, but he was so close you could count his eyelashes. You stared at him tiredly, before you heard him speak. "You're staring awfully hard."
"I can't sleep." You mutter back, and his eyes remain closed as he nods. "Mmh. Would you like to stay in the bedroom today? It smells like rain."
"You can smell rain?" You ask, and he shrugs. "Some days it's stronger than others, the smell. It's like wet Earth and whatnot."
You nod, though he can't see you. Sighing, you close your eyes again, hoping you'll fall asleep at the proximity between you two. You weren't going to lie to yourself, he brought you a comfort you couldn't quite place. Like he could judge but he won't, like he could leave, but he won't.
"Do you need anything to help you sleep? I know humans can be fussy if they don't get enough rest." He murmurs, and you peel open one eye to look at him. His eyes are still closed, as if he's also trying to will himself to sleep. You don't reply, hoping he'll use some stupid godly power to read your mind.
"Y/N, closed mouths don't get fed." He reminds you, and you groan. "Fine, fine. Can you just…hold me?"
"Hold you?" He repeats, and you shift next to him. He sighs, before carefully draping his arm over your waist, pulling you closer into him. His fingers are cool against your back, tracing circles into your skin as you nestle into the crook of his neck. "Better?"
"Mhm." You hum into his skin, before feeling his lips press to your hairline. It's quick, and so light you almost missed it. "What's that for?"
"For yesterday." He mumbles back, before settling again. You brush it off, choosing to relax in his embrace as his breathing slows. He's fallen back asleep, presumably only awoken by your movement.
You must've fallen asleep as well at some point, because a crack of thunder startles you awake. Pressing a hand to your chest, you look up to see Seungkwan staring behind you, seemingly lost in thought as his fingers continue to trace shapes into your back. Your leg is now draped over his hip, and he's holding himself up on his elbow.
"Seungkwan?"
His eyes dart down to you, before a look of concern takes over. "Hm? Are you okay?"
"Yeah." You nod, and he gives you a curt nod back, before returning to his spacing out. You don't have it in you to tell him you're overheating, so you just settle back in. "Are you okay? What are you looking at?"
"Nothing. I'm just waiting for you." He shrugs, and you tilt your head at him. "For what?"
"You ask a lot of questions, threadling."
"You avoid them a lot."
He raises his brow at your quip, before splaying his fingers across your hip, giving it a soft squeeze. "I didn't want to disturb your rest. If I get up, you'll wake up. Then everything after is a domino effect."
You stare up at him, your eyes tracing his features. Round eyes, soft lips. Lips that let painful things slip, only to be soothed by other things tumbling out. Eyes that held truths, that held fire and held want. A wanton yearning to be loved.
"You're staring, angel."
"You're pretty." You shrug, and he rolls his eyes, but you don't miss the way his ears tinge pink as he sighs. "Well, you're up. Let's get a move on, the day is full of opportunity."
He looks down at you, eyes narrowing as they fall to your shoulder. You hadn't noticed the bruise that bloomed from your fall yesterday, and he moves your hair out of the way gently. His fingers grazed the welted spot, "What happened here?"
"Oh, I fell off the bed when Jeonghan appeared yesterday." You look down at it, his brows furrowed. "Does it hurt?"
"I'm sure it will if you press on it." You roll your eyes, and he frowns. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Why would I? You were mean to me yesterday." You scoff, making him return the noise of disdain. "You started it!"
"Let's not play the blame game. Clearly one of us should be the one who leads here and you're not doing a very good job of it." Shaking your head, you hear him groan above you.
"Fine. It wasn't my intention to treat you poorly yesterday, and I will try my best to not have it happen again. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
You frown at him, your lip jutted out just slightly. "You can't just say sorry?"
Your eyes lock with his for a second, scanning each other. He wants to, you can tell, he wants to apologize. He wants to make it up to you, but pride is a far stronger power than any remorse in the air. His hand gently tucks a stray curl behind your ear, fingers lingering on your cheek.
"Don't pout, it's not a good look on you." He presses his lips to your forehead, before pulling away and throwing the duvet off the both of you. You huff, watching as he slips out of bed and grabs his robe from the bedpost. He pulls it on swiftly, and you roll onto your back stretching your arms over your head before pushing the duvet further off your body. You're sure it's well past noon at this point.
You hear Seungkwan click his tongue, and you look up to see him standing at the window, leaning on the window sill. He's scanning the vast gardens, likely trying to plan for yet another day of rain. You slide out of bed, crossing your arms over your bare chest as you walk over to look with him.
"Wonder what's got Seungcheol in a mood." You murmur, seeing the flooded pond towards the edge of the garden. A frog hops into the flowers, and Seungkwan shrugs. "Sometimes he just likes to make it rain. Anything to get his name in someone's mouth."
You snort, and he smiles inwardly.
"If the rain lets up this week, we can go to the market. I need to find out if my leathersmith can make shoes for you, and I don't think Chan brought the yarn for you, did he?" He peers up at you, and you sigh, shaking your head. "I don't mind waiting, though. I can find something else to do."
"Like washing the windows that you forgot about yesterday?" He says pointedly, and you scoff out a laugh. "Way to be subtle."
He smiles widely, reaching to wrap his arm around your waist and pull you closer. You oblige, allowing him to move you in front of him. "It's pretty, though, isn't it? The rain?"
"It's dreary sometimes. I think of it more as a necessary evil." You nod, feeling his chin rest gently on your shoulder. "It brings things to life but it also drowns out any happiness I have for the day. The lack of sunshine makes me depressed."
"I heard that, yeah. Something about mortals not faring well during the colder months, because there's no sun." He nods, and you feel his hands wrap around your waist, clasping together over your navel. "I assume it's just that same darkness, right? It's like, desperation."
"It just makes me sad. There's a lack of life, in my opinion." You twist to look at him, seeing him close his eyes. "I agree, there's something missing when the days get shorter. I lose a lot of motivation."
Your eyes widen at his admission, but you don't get a chance to expand on it before feeling his lips plant a soft kiss on your shoulder. "You should get dressed, we haven't eaten anything yet."
He makes no move to let you go, instead choosing to trail his lips along your skin before reaching the thin gold chain he'd given you a few days earlier. "Seungkwan…"
"Mmh?" He tugs at it with his teeth, before nipping at your neck softly. You jolt in his hold, your skin littering with goosebumps at the contact of his teeth. Shivering, you twist further in his hold, feeling his hands move up from where they were clasped. The pads of his fingers ghost over the bottom of your breasts, and you feel your entire face heat as he speaks into your skin.
"Face forward."
You huff, but move to look back out the window. Your eyes try to focus on the garden when you feel his thumbs graze your nipples, before his large hands begin palming gently. The cool metal of his jewelry against your hardened nubs makes you shiver, and you squeeze your eyes shut, taking a shaky breath.
"Sensitive here?" He breathes against your skin, pinching your nipples gently as you let out a low, choked whine. His teeth tug at your earlobe, making you jolt before you hear him speak again. "Eyes open, angel."
"You're horrible." You mutter, feeling his lips curve against the shell of your ear. "I can stop."
"No! Don't, please." Your head hangs a bit, burning in humiliation as a soft chuckle sounds behind you. It seems you don't know how to shut your mouth, because the words tumble out before you can stop them.
"Please touch me."
"How can I deny you when you're so polite?" He's mocking you, and you feel the warmth of his right hand leave your chest, ghosting down your torso. "Where, angel? Here?" His hand rests on your stomach, making you shake your head frantically, taking his wrist in your hand and guiding him lower.
"Here." You feel almost embarrassed as you feel him rest his forehead against your shoulder, before his fingers slowly glide over your center, his middle landing a teasing tap to your clit. You jerk slightly, making him laugh behind you before he moves further, dragging his fingertips through your wet folds with ease. You feel frustration grow slightly in your belly as he teases you, before he removes his hand completely.
You scoff, about to complain when you see him hold his hand up to the light. His fingers are slick with your arousal, strings of it connecting his knuckles as he separates them.
"Would you look at that?" His tone is one full of mischief, before he brings his hand closer to your face. "Open."
His forefinger taps your lip, and you instinctively stick your tongue out, sliding it between his fingers without a word. Your eyes flutter closed as you taste yourself on his skin, the mix something invigorating, your need to be touched by him only fueled by the heat of his eyes on your face.
"Dirty little thing, aren't you?" He murmurs as you run your tongue over one of his rings, before you kiss the metal. "I'll be whatever you want me to be."
He doesn't respond, instead choosing to push you slightly against the windowsill, trailing his lips down your back. You lean forward, anticipation brewing in your belly when you feel him kneel behind you, before feeling his teeth sink lightly into your ass. You can't hold your groan in, or hide the way your hips push back. He lets go of the bitten flesh, opting to lick at the marks with a sigh. "So pretty when you're needy."
His lips press to your skin in peppered kisses, before he gently spreads your legs a bit more. You oblige, leaning on your forearms across the windowsill and holding the outside edge. His hands circle your upper thighs, and he squeezes them gently as he presses a kiss to your clit.
You sigh, trying not to push against him as his tongue darts out, slowly dragging through your folds. He gathers your arousal messily, pulling soft whines from your throat when he finally wraps his pouty lips around your clit, sucking lightly. Your head hangs low as sounds slip from your mouth, your fingertips turning white from how hard you're gripping the windowsill when he begins to shallowly thrust his tongue into your hole, his hand moving from your thigh to thumb at your clit.
A whimper of profanities jumble from your lips, grinding your hips against his face and hand as your thighs begin to tremble. Your knees buck a bit, Seungkwan's arms reflexively moving to wrap around your waist as he buries his tongue deeper into your cunt. He groans into you, arms tightening around you as your hips continue to push back onto him. He grunts, pushing you away from his tongue entirely.
"You know, you're not very nice." He begins, making you groan. "I'm–"
You're cut off by the wet sound of his fingers teasing your entrance carefully. You feel his teeth sink into the flesh of your ass again, your eyes fluttering shut as he slowly slides his fingers inside you, a low groan from your throat as he speaks.
"You're what? A brat? A pain in my ass? Sorry, for both of those things, maybe?"
You huff at his words, "I'm sorry."
He hums into your skin, his eyes trained on the way your gummy walls swallow his fingers with ease, curling them as you squirm. "Sorry for what?"
His fingers brush the spongy spot, making you jolt with a high-pitched moan. "Sorry for what, angel?" He coos, carefully keeping his slow pace as he stands, lips pressed to the skin of your neck and shoulders.
"E-Everything." You sigh, your forehead pressed against your forearm, clenching around his fingers as he bullies them into you. "Everything, she says. What's this everything, hm?"
He kisses your shoulder gently, peering over your shoulder to see your eyes screwed shut. Smiling to himself, he stills his movements, hearing you groan and peel your eyes open. "What are you sorry for?"
You breathe out shakily, your tongue darting out to wet your lips as he slowly starts again. "I-I'm sorry for being a brat."
"Oh, are you?" He nods, watching your hips push against his hand with a smirk. "Are you sorry for being a pain in my ass, too?"
"No." You blurt, shaking your head as he snorts. "At least you're honest."
"I keep you on your toes, you can't punish me f-for that." Your voice is no higher than a whisper as he moves his free hand to your face, carefully swiping away the stray hair sticking to your skin. "For the record, I don't hate you."
You shake your head, eyes clouded with lust as you peer at him. "You do, though."
He doesn't reply, opting to move his hand, now rubbing soft circles into your clit. Your legs tremble slightly at the added stimulation, whines from your throat as he begins to speak. "I don't. How could I?"
He knows you'll probably forget this later, so why hold back? He presses his lips to your neck, peppering kisses there as he feels your pussy start to clamp around his fingers.
"How could I, Y/N? I think about you all the time, you know? Fuck, you're so pretty." His teeth nip at the skin, and he feels you struggle to hold yourself up as your orgasm approaches. "Could never hate you, gorgeous. So good for me, right? Just for me."
You shudder as the words hit your ears, and Seungkwan takes this as an incentive to keep going. "Wouldn't be the end of the world, would it? My pretty angel, all mine? Hm?"
Your bitten lips part in a silent sob as you nod, your orgasm coating his fingers as your head hangs low. Seungkwan's eyes close as he presses his lips to your warm skin, unintelligible whispers slipping as he carefully withdraws his hand from between your legs. You remain silent as he slips away, before feeling a warm towel between your thighs.
"Take a bath. I'll make breakfast…or lunch, I guess now." He murmurs, tossing the towel aside and gently pulling your bruised elbows from the windowsill. You nod silently as he plants a soft kiss to your temple, before quietly guiding you to the bathroom. You feel your cheeks flush as his hand brushes your hip, pulling you close when you stumble.
"Sorry." You mutter, but he only shakes his head as he pushes the bathroom door open, the sun now shining through the open window as he reaches for the faucet. He turns it on, running his fingers under the water until he deems it warm enough to help you climb into the tub.
"Any particular scent?" He asks as you settle into the cold tub, and you shake your head silently. No words are exchanged as he picks out his scent, the basil leaf in the jar mocking you as he slides it onto the rim of the tub. "Call me if you need anything, alright?"
Nodding, you press your lips into a thin line as he carefully swipes your hair out of your eyes. His own are conflicted, but he nods curtly and takes his leave.
You sigh shakily, your fingers reaching for your tense thighs as you think about his words. He'd come across the past few days as someone who didn't feel the need to prove anything to you – you were a human, someone who was virtually just a speck of dust in his universe.
Your eyes burn lightly, the tears of shame slipping down your cheeks as you groan inwardly. You certainly hadn't expected him to show you any of his feelings that way, but you weren't mad at all. You just felt…a pit of despair settle into your stomach.
Feeling like Seungkwan was out of your reach…that gap should be bridged now, right? He showed you his desire, he spoke about it.
So why does he feel so much further away now?
SEVEN.
The next week and a half were the most mind-boggling thing you think you've ever experienced.
The two of you did not speak of the prior events – opting to both drown them out and keep repeating the same mistakes by enticing each other. If he wasn't waking you up with his tongue circling your clit, he was grinding his clothed cock against you in the kitchen and telling you how badly you got on his nerves. If you chose to run your mouth, he'd put it to better use – whether that meant he shoved a piece of bread into it or his cock was up for whatever the stars aligned with that day.
The past two days had been touch-free; the god was bent over his desk as you got ready to leave the temple. He'd promised you a visit to the market for new shoes as well as yarn for your loom, but he was everything but ready. He didn't move as he heard you standing in the doorway of his bedroom, your wine red skirt low on your hips as you leaned on the frame.
"Seungkwan?"
"Mmh?" He hummed, not looking up as he flipped a pen through his fingers. He heard you sigh, walking up to his desk and plucking it from his fingers. "You said we'd leave by noon. It's past that."
"I did say that." He nods, reaching for his pen as you hold it out of reach. "Seungkwan."
He sighs, before finally looking up at you. His eyes widen slightly, and you look at him expectantly as he stares in silence. "Are you having a stroke?"
"What?" He blinks, before shaking his head. You snort, before setting the pen on the desk. "Are you having a stroke? You've been odd all day."
Has he? He thinks back – bath, breakfast, a bit of time in the garden with you while he tried to teach you how to prune the marigolds…emphasis on tried.
"No. I'm fine. You look…nice. Ready?" He clears his throat, watching as you carefully slip your hair over your shoulder. You look exactly the same as you have since you arrived, but…something feels different. You feel different.
Could explain the absolute heat in his chest when he woke up to your face these past few days. And why he couldn't bear to look at you any longer than a simple conversation, he notes, as his eyes divert back to the philosophy book on his desk.
"Well…come on? I'm hungry and the walk is long." You smile, before turning on your heel. Seungkwan takes a deep breath, before standing and trailing after you. Neither of you stop to gather any bites for the road, but he can't unglue his eyes from the soft swing of your hips.
Get it together. He shakes it off, opting to look away as you trek down the steps of the temple. "We can get new shoes for you today, I know I said we'd touch base on that."
"We did!" You stretch in the afternoon sun, the light hitting your supple skin perfectly. Skin he longs to run his fingers down, sink his teeth into, kiss raw–
"Do you think they'll have yarn like my father's?" You ask, waiting for him to catch up to you. You link your arms once he does, ignoring the way he stiffens slightly as you slip your fingers in his. "I really liked the dyed yarns we'd get from Olympus. Lydia was always very barren for wool and such."
He listens to you talk about your father for a while, as he subconsciously guides the two of you through the two-hour walk to the market. Why hasn't he gotten a horse? Why is he making you walk two hours, when you could be rambling about your memories upon a noble steed?
He makes it a mental note as the twinkling lights of the market come into view. You stop talking and gasp lightly, your fingers squeezing his as you look over the treetops to the gaggle of tents and life. You smile inwardly, excitedly pulling him closer as you walk quickly. His cheeks burn as you finally reach the entrance of the market, a few bystanders looking at you as your eyes widen.
"Wow. It's beautiful here." You murmur, your eyes scanning the glittering of gold jewelry at the green tent he'd bought your necklace at. He lets you pull him carefully through the sweaty bodies, your eyes wide as you take in all the colors and glitters and the way you instinctively float over to a pair of slender shoulders hunched over a tent of yarns and wool.
The vendor looked up quickly, her smile bright as she saw you scour everything excitedly. You pulled your fingers out of Seungkwan's hand, leaving the god to stand a distance behind you as you ran the pads of your fingers across all the wool she had displayed. There were beautifully dyed yarns – from deep, earthy greens to royal purples, you carefully collected a few as the vendor showed you sample after sample.
"What do you think of this one?" Your voice brought Seungkwan back to Earth, his eyes landing on a soft, ocean blue yarn dyed lightly with indigo. You bounced the material in your palms, rattling off ideas of what you could weave with it when Seungkwan interrupts you.
"Get whatever you want, threadling. I've got it." Seungkwan pats his pouch, thankful he remembered to snag it off the desk before the two of you left the temple. In the glowing twinkle lights of the market, Seungkwan can almost make out a blush on your cheeks as you quickly whip around to look back at the vendor with a shy smile.
It wasn't long before you held a bag full of yarn, Seungkwan silently digging into his pouch for gold coins to give to the vendor. He took the bag gingerly, before you absently looped your arm with his as you bid the vendor a good evening. Your fingertips were cool against his, but he welcomed it as he squeezed them gently.
Seungkwan couldn't help but admire you under the twinkling lights and low sun. Your skin glowed slightly, the bruise on your shoulder from Jeonghan's visit now yellow with time. Your white top wrapped tightly across your chest, worn sandals guiding you through the people who began to gather around the jewelry tents.
His chest feels tight at the idea of falling in love with you under this romanticized perspective.
"Did you ever come here with your father?" Seungkwan asks softly, and you frown slightly, shaking your head. "My father was much too old to make the journey here. Our markets were further south, but it was mostly fish and fruit. I often went alone to gather our weekly rations. My mother…she was good friends with Taeyeon. I'm sure you know her, right? The goddess of harvest?"
Seungkwan nods, "I do. She ventures into these parts every so often."
Smiling, you slow down and lean your head on his shoulder as you walk through the dusty market. Your gaze falls upon tasty treats and wide-eyed children holding sugared apples, and you find yourself leading Seungkwan over. "Are you hungry?"
"I'm alright. Would you like something?" Seungkwan shifts in your hold, watching the vendor carefully peel an orange off its pith. You nod, pointing at the scrawled menu. "Have you ever had candied orange peel?"
"Have you?" He snorts, looking at the jarred delicacy. He watched as your hands ghosted over a custard sitting on a bed of ice, before the vendor stood quickly, orange in hand as she pushed her partner away from the boiling sugar above the fire. "No, but I've also never really had desserts. My father was very strict about sweet things at night."
Seungkwan nods as he watches the vendor shakily shove the slices onto a wooden skewer, before carefully coating them in the hot sugar. His fingers squeeze yours as she dips them into a bucket of ice water, the sizzle of the sugar making the water pop over the edge. She holds it up and out to you, a pointed look in her eyes.
"Take it." Seungkwan encourages, and you shyly reach out for it. She gives you a napkin, before mumbling to wait a bit to eat it. Seungkwan offers her money, but she shakes her head. "I haven't seen a pair of lovers in a while, just enjoy it."
Seungkwan hates the way his entire body heats at the idea of being your lover, but you're not faring much better – your smile is shy as you nod, letting your hair fall into your eyes as you look away. The tips of your ears are flushed as you ask her for a jar of the candied peels, which she simply shoves into your hand. "On the house. Or on the tent, I guess."
You pull Seungkwan away with yet another thank you from your lips, when Seungkwan's eyes catch the leathersmith beginning to set up shop. "Wait, you need new shoes. Let's go this way."
You oblige, allowing the god to tug you carefully. The leathersmith was an older man who had his son along as an apprentice, aiming to have the younger man take over the shop once he passed on. Seungkwan had quite the hearty relationship with the older gentleman, but often found a small taste of disdain in his mouth after speaking to his son. He was young and a bit snobby, ungrateful – a few of the traits Seungkwan deemed unattractive.
"Oh, Seungkwan! I haven't seen you in quite a while. How are you? And who is this beautiful young woman? I'm Mr. Kim." The leathersmith took his hat off quickly, offering his hand for you to shake. You did so cheerily, as the older man smiled at you.
"I'm Y/N. I'm a…pupil of Seungkwan's." You say with a bit of hesitance, but Seungkwan's fingers squeeze yours in confirmation. You were, after all…just a pupil. Someone he's not supposed to have feelings for, he reminds himself.
Mr. Kim quickly gestures to his son, who is setting up the machinery. His hands are coated in oil from it, and Seungkwan feels his stomach turn at the idea of his fingers smearing it over your skin when they measure you. He'll have to wash your feet for you when you arrive home–
No? He won't?
"This is my son, you remember him, right? Jisung, say hello."
The son glances up with a look of discernment, before Seungkwan notices his eyes land on you. You've begun to nibble onto the candied orange slices, licking your lips of bits of sugar. Seungwan instinctively pulls you closer, before the leathersmith looks at the god as he speaks. "Yes, I do. How're you, Jisung? Taking well after your father, I assume?"
The younger man barely acknowledges him, his eyes still on you as you glance around all the leather scraps. There are a few different patterns on the soles of pre-cut shoes, and Seungkwan feels you pull away to run your fingers through the intricate designs. Stars, small waves, dainty paisley. There is a pair with flowers that stop at the arch of the shoe, and you hold it up.
"These?" Your eyes are a little brighter as you hold the candied oranges in your teeth, tracing the pattern with your bruised fingertips. Seungkwan smiles, starting to speak when Jisung cuts him off. "You have to get fitted and come back, we can't just give you pre-made soles."
Seungkwan feels his lips tug down as Jisung takes the sole from you, and you nod carefully. "You could be nicer about it, you know. I'm sure your father wouldn't appreciate you treating his prospective clients with this attitude."
Mr. Kim's eyes widen as his son scoffs, a quick flush overtaking his cheeks and ears as Jisung tosses the pre-made soles back into the bucket. He clears his throat as you turn away from Jisung with a frown full of disdain, before speaking up. "I assume you are here for shoes, right? What soles did you want?"
You shake your head and shrug. "Whatever you can make for me, I'll take it. I would hate to cause you any trouble, Mr. Kim."
It's clearly a jab at his son, but if he notices, he says nothing. The older gentleman rounds the chair he's had set up and fishes through the bucket for the soles you'd had in your hand. "These, right? They're marigolds." He taps the sole with his knuckle, before patting the chair with his hand.
"Sit, I'll fit them for you. They're pre-made for a reason, emergencies. Your straps are about to fall apart, dear." He grimaces at your sandals, and you feel a soft blush coat your cheeks. "Well, they've been through a lot with me."
Seungkwan watches as you carefully take Mr. Kim's hand to sit atop the lifted chair, and as he carefully takes your sandals off. Your feet are slightly swollen from the walk to the market, and he nearly misses the way Jisung takes Mr. Kim's spot in front of you. He spreads his thighs over the edge of the stool, his hand grabbing your ankle out of the stirrup and examining your foot. He grimaces as he runs his fingers over the carmine-covered toenails, carefully tugging on your toes to make your joints pop.
It all felt too intimate for Seungkwan's taste, but he tongues his cheek as Mr. Kim starts digging through his bucket of leather straps.
"Do you want braided straps? I have a few of those, I think they'd suit you." Mr. Kim speaks as Jisung runs a wet sponge down the arch of your foot, making Seungkwan grimace inwardly. Your eyes flutter closed at the cool water dripping along your skin, Jisung's hands carefully massaging the sore arch. You don't respond, so Seungkwan nods in Mr. Kim's direction with a forced smile.
"Feel good?" Jisung's voice breaks through the air, and Seungkwan doesn't like the way his stomach tightens as your nose scrunches, his thumb digging into the heel of your foot. "Feels nice, yeah. We walked the entire way here."
"Did you, now?" Jisung glances over his shoulder, and it's as if the shared horse for the father-son duo picks up on his commentary, whinnying behind the tent. Seungkwan frowns, "She asked to."
"So you just do whatever she wants?" Jisung asks lowly, and Mr. Kim holds up a matching pair of fishtailed straps. "Aha!"
Jisung gives Seungkwan a sour look as he carefully wipes your foot of excess water and dirt, leaving the god to cross his arms over his chest while holding your bag of yarn. You're trying to focus on the candied oranges in your hand, carefully biting at the sweet flesh when Jisung swipes the wet sponge across your other foot, holding it up to his face as he examines your toes. "Walk barefoot a lot?"
"Well–"
"Pretty girls like you shouldn't be doing that." He tugs at your toes, popping the joints in this foot as well before squeezing gently. "What kind of a god are you, letting her walk around in old shoes? Don't you care?"
Your eyes are wide as he speaks directly to Seungkwan, who only scowls. "Isn't it inappropriate to compliment your clients? Just do what you're here to do, I can take care of her on my own."
"Seems like you can't, if she's walking here and wearing old shoes." Jisung barks back, and you shift uncomfortably. Seungkwan can tell you're starting to pick up on his disdain for the younger man, who only digs his fingers into the flesh of your calf. Seungkwan doesn't respond, opting to move over to Mr. Kim, who is hunched over his workbench. He's carefully piercing the leather with a thick needle, his fingers covered in makeshift thimbles as he holds the leather in shaky hands. Seungkwan doesn't let your conversation with Jisung leave his mind as he eavesdrops, Jisung asking you where you're from and if you're single. You just answer with a disinterested tone, something that makes Seungkwan smile inwardly as Mr. Kim holds the shoe up.
"Think they'll fit?" He asks, needle tucked between his lips as Seungkwan examines it, nodding carefully. "If they're a little big it's fine too, she's on her feet a lot."
No you weren't. You hadn't done anything in the temple but lay in his bed with him and prune flowers. He stopped making you step into the kitchen, last week allowing you to simply exist within the temple and the gardens. You enjoyed dipping your feet into the pond, and grabbing the frogs in your palms as they croaked quietly.
There hadn't been a single drop of rain since he had you against the windowsill in his bedroom. Almost as though Seungcheol was listening, and eerily enough, maybe even watching.
Seungkwan took the time to tend the garden when he wasn't riling you up in whatever form he could. He hated that he was starting to enjoy the way you poked at him, wanting to elicit a reaction out of him, yearning for the way his hands would grip you firmly if he was pushing you against any surface he could manage.
Yet, your lips still have yet to graze in the way you beg for constantly. He'll kiss you anywhere you ask, anywhere you want – but your lips remain untouched, bitten by your own teeth, glossed by your own spit and calling his name out wantonly.
How he yearns to shut you up that way sometimes.
"How is it, having a new pupil? You haven't had one in a while." Mr. Kim asks as Seungkwan's eyes trailed the way Jisung's hands go up a little too high on your knee. You frown a bit, your lips pursed as you push it down. He apologizes swiftly, a twitch in his lip as you cross your legs at the ankle. You both continue the odd conversation, with Jisung questioning your attire. You answer that Seungkwan made it for you, and isn't it so pretty?
Jisung glances over his shoulder before scoffing out a yeah.
"It's fine. She's very smart and quick witted, and keeps me on my toes." Seungkwan nods, watching you and Jisung out of the corner of his eye. Jisung is now massaging your feet with a salve, likely one from the apothecary two tents down. It smells of eucalyptus, a scent Seungkwan noticed you avoided in the shampoo shelf – the citrus basil disappearing much faster. Your nose scrunched once more as he wrapped your feet in warm towels from a basket, before your eyes met Seungkwan's.
You blink at him, tilting your head towards Jisung before making a face of annoyance. He huffs out a small laugh, earning a smile from you as you return your attention to the younger man in front of you. You ask Jisung if he always does this for his customers, and he snorts in response as he tucks the towel corner under your ankle with a resounding no.
"She's very pretty, Seungkwan." Mr. Kim pipes up from his workbench, and Seungkwan's eyes dart to the older man. He's giving the god a pointed look, watching as Seungkwan shifts silently before letting out a sigh. "I'm not ready, Mr. Kim."
"We never are, when the right one comes along." He murmurs, and he looks up to ensure you can't hear him before he proceeds. "What's stopping you? The fact that she's a human?"
"Somewhat." He shrugs, opting to leave out the extensive story of your past – how he sent you to the Underworld within hours of meeting you, how you made him feel vulnerable in a way he hated. How you made him feel like putty with your hands, your mouth, your words of praise and reassurance as you trailed your lips anywhere he'd let you.
He remembers telling you how greedy you were as he nipped at your neck three nights ago, your incessant whining for a kiss on the lips only making him slow the rut of his hips against your clothed core. Your fingers dug into his shoulders, mouthing at his jaw with whimpers from your throat as he palmed at your body beneath him. "So, so greedy. Can never just take what I give you, hm? Always want more."
"What else?" Mr. Kim asks, and Seungkwan rubs his neck lightly, a worried smile on his lips as he admits defeat. "I just know that it won't work. She's a mortal, it won't be good for either of us. One day, she'll be gone and I'll still be left here."
"Isn't the purpose of life to find something that fulfills you?" Mr. Kim objects, raising his brows at the god before him. "If she makes you feel happy, and you feel fulfilled making her feel loved, cherished, whatever the case may be – shouldn't that be enough for you to take it and run like the wind? Love is something so fickle, something so hard to find yet so easy to ruin. Don't let your doubts ruin what you and Miss Y/N have. You yearn for her, Seungkwan."
"I do not." He scoffs, glancing at you as Jisung removes the now cool towels, your eyes closed as he wipes away the salve that went unabsorbed. Mr. Kim only smiles in response as he hands Seungkwan the shoes, the leather warm against his fingertips. "Just think about it, Seungkwan. It can't do any harm."
Except it can, he thinks.
Seungkwan is selfish. He'd always been that way – wanting only the best for himself, opting to choose the better routes, the better classes, the better books. Carefully selecting anyone and everyone he allowed into his hermit-like life, his secretive ways.
He only wanted the best, and he fears that if he doesn't figure himself out soon, you'll be the only best he sees slip through his fingers. He knows that you're good – he knows that your heart is so painfully fragile, wrapped in layers of hurt from losing your father and missing out on the last years of his life. He knows that you're trying so hard to keep up the same facade that he is – that you're stronger than you let on, that you're braver, that you're better.
He's only a god because Seungcheol said so, he's no different than you are.
He figured that a few nights ago, watching you sleep against his chest. Your cheek was squished against his shoulder, your lips glistening with a bit of drool. He wanted to kiss you so deeply then, his fingers carefully carding through your tangled hair and tugging at the necklace he'd given you. You'd stirred slightly, barely opening your eyes to peer up at him. He smiled silently, making you grunt softly before snuggling back into his skin.
It's odd, he realizes. How easily just a taste of you, just one moment of his walls being down, led from angry, bitter words to playful banter and dirty phrases whispered into sweaty skin. How in just a few days, you carefully removed layers from his guarded heart, desperately wanting to earn a spot in it. And…he just let you. He just let you call him pretty, he just let you kiss his worries away. He let you toe the line of the boundaries he'd set in place, your lips just barely hovering over his when he'd let you take the lead, your skirt bunched around your hips as you both relished in the wet sound of your cunt dragging against his bare thighs.
He just let you prove to him, over the course of a few nights, that you desired him…but deeper than anyone ever had. You cared nothing about his presence as a god, in fact, you challenged it – you poked and prodded, you pissed him off with your carefully chosen words and you mended him back together just as quickly. You jerked his emotions around, riling him up by touching him inappropriately for a pupil, but he gave in so fast. He loved it, he loved how you felt against him, he loved you.
And it pains him inside.
"Let me see the shoes." Jisung breaks Seungkwan out of his thoughts, and he reluctantly hands them over to the younger man. Seungkwan fishes in his pouch for money, placing fifteen gold coins in Mr. Kim's change cup. Ten more than the leathersmith often charged, but Seungkwan paid him no mind as he watched Jisung carefully slide the sandals over your feet.
Too. Intimate.
He carefully wrapped the straps around your ankle, the pads of his fingers lingering before Seungkwan cleared his throat loudly. Your eyes dart to the god, who has a frown on his lips as he offers his hand for you to step off the chair. The sun was slightly lower now, meaning it would be time to start heading home soon. You take Seungkwan's hand gingerly, carefully stepping down as your other hand presses against his chest for extra support.
"How d'you feel, Miss?" Mr. Kim asks as you bounce on your toes, and you seem content as you give him a warm smile and a thumbs up. You seem happy with them, but Seungkwan doesn't miss the way your eyes trail to the worn sandals you'd previously donned. They held history, they'd taken you wherever you'd been and seen everything you had. Seungkwan understands as he gathers them in his hand carefully, holding them out to Mr. Kim.
"Can you refresh these? Is that possible?"
Your eyes grow wide before they're squished by the fat of your cheeks as you smile, now wrapping your arms around Seungkwan's as Mr. Kim nods eagerly. "Return within a fortnight, I'll have them as good as new."
Seungkwan nods, before pouring a few more coins into the change cup and bidding his goodbye. Mr. Kim gives him yet another pointed look, before looking at you. His eyes speak volumes – volumes of kiss her, of hold her, of love her.
Seungkwan nods curtly, before spinning on his heel and pulling you away.
"It'll be chilly soon. Would you like to get a blanket for the walk back?" He asks quietly, and you nod eagerly. "Maybe also, something else to eat? The candied orange was good but…I'm not full yet."
Seungkwan glances over at you, seeing a bit of sugar crystals gathered at the corners of your lips. He smiles to himself, wiping his thumb against the skin carefully. You look at him as he licks the sugar off the pad of his finger, an amused look in your eyes as you shake your head. "If you wanted some of it, you could've said so."
Seungkwan only smiles to himself, holding you close as he pulls you behind a tent. Your eyes scan his face as he carefully moves your hair away from your face. "I'm sure you still have some left, right?"
"I finished it. See?" You hold up the empty skewer, your eyes innocently scouring him as he feels his chest warm. He takes it out of your hand, tossing it into a tent's garbage bin. "But you can give me a taste anyhow, can't you?"
Your eyes cast confusion until his lips ghost over yours. "Didn't like how he was touching you." He murmurs, just barely touching your skin. "M'sorry." You mumble back, nuzzling your nose against his.
"Are you?" He asks, pulling away slightly. Your cheeks are ruddy with embarrassment under his hands, his thumbs carefully pinching the fat. Your hands rest on his chest as he carefully takes your jaw in his large hand, the cool metal of his rings against your warm skin making you jolt.
"Didn't like it. Only want you to touch me like that." You admit softly, your hands bunching the fabric of his chiton under them. He smiles, "Only me?"
"Only you." You nod, and he hums in response. His thumb moves to pull at your plump lower lip, and he sighs as he moves back. "Well, we should start heading back. We can make it back before sundown, and it won't be as chilly."
You look disappointed as he pulls back, your hands still holding onto his chiton as he does so. Your lip is jutted out into a pout, "Come on, Seungkwan."
He bites back a laugh, opting to act dumb as he turns back to you. "Come on, what, Y/N?"
"Kiss me." You frown, tugging his shirt gently until he's lowered enough to touch your nose to his. He lets you pull at him, his hands snaking around your waist. "Hm? Not sure you've earned that, angel."
"You're so mean." You pout, your lower lip brushing his. He nips at it quickly, tugging it between his teeth as your eyes shutter closed. "Mean? You think so?"
He doesn't let you reply, pressing his lips against yours gently. He feels you sigh into his mouth, your hands moving up to his neck, arms gingerly wrapping around his broad shoulders. His hands hold your hips, squeezing them softly as he pulls you closer to him. His tongue gently eases into your mouth, tasting the sweet tang of the orange against your teeth. Your fingers curl into the nape of his neck, licking into his mouth with precision, trying to hide your desperation as you claw at him. He pulls away carefully, his tongue swiping across his lips as your eyes open.
"Why'd you stop?" You whine, only prompting him to press one, two, three chaste kisses to your open mouth. "Because we're in public, and if you want more, we have to get home, angel."
"You'll give me more?"
"I'll give you whatever you want." He nods, his forehead touching yours. "Promise?"
Your voice is small, but he smiles, pulling you into his chest. "I promise, angel."
The trip home was full of soft touches and his fingers pinching any skin he could manage. He pressed his lips against yours more than twice on the way there, the thick blanket he'd bought you draped carefully over your shoulders as he held your bag of yarn and candied orange peels. Your hand held a small bag of roasted chickpeas, the only other snack you bothered to pick out after Seungkwan kissed you. You suddenly weren't hungry for food, only the white-hot feeling of his lips against yours. You didn't talk as you walked home tiredly, only looked at the sky and at the straps of your new sandals.
"Let me run you a bath, angel." He offers as the temple comes into view, and you look up hesitantly. "Join me for it."
"Hmm. Maybe." He shrugs, his hand finding its way to the nape of your neck and carefully wrapping around it. It's comforting, the weight of his warmth against your skin as he pulls you closer to him. You allow it, resting your head against his shoulder as the two of you reach the steps of the temple.
The wind-down is easy. It's simple, he strips you of your clothing in his bedroom as he kisses you gently, his lips sweet against yours. Soft hums of approval as he felt your hands touch him as much as he'd allow, before guiding you down to the bathroom. He lets you tug off his chiton, his pants following as he holds you flush to him as he runs his fingers under the running water.
And, he promptly joined you in the tub. Your back was nestled closely against his chest, his fingers wrapped around your hand and lips peppering kisses to your knuckles. Your hair had long been cleaned, his shampoo wafting off you as the warm suds surrounded your naked bodies. This…you'd read about this. Lovers, so close together. Lovers, holding each other dear, cherishing each other, worshiping each other.
Seungkwan's lips against your shoulders tear you from your thoughts, making you twist your head to peer at him. You wonder what's changed between the two of you. You know Seungkwan has kissed other mortals, done things he's done with you with other mortals. Why are you any different? Why is the taste of you any different, anything more than what he's had before?
And most of all, why does it weigh on you? Who cares about the other girls, as long as you get the guy?
You huff inwardly, toying with the suds at the edge of the tub.
"Closed mouths don't get fed, Y/N." His voice rings in your ears, the low rumble startling you slightly. He gives you a pointed look, his eyes sharp as he scans your features. "Sorry. Just thinking."
"About?" He questions, his arms moving to wrap around your waist beneath the water. You shake your head lightly, leaning against his clavicle with a sigh. "Just everything and nothing, all at once."
He doesn't press the issue. If he senses something is wrong, he says nothing. He instead runs his hands up your torso, pads of his fingers tickling your skin. "I really enjoyed spending time with you, today." He admits softly. You feel your cheeks heat as you look back at him again.
"Really?"
"Really. I know we were late, we can go back another time and go as early as you'd like." He nods, and you smile widely as you nod in excitement. He smiles, his thumb moving to stroke your cheeks gently. "Let me take you to bed, yeah? It's late, we have a lot to do tomorrow."
"You always say that, then you leave me wrapped in the duvet all morning and hand-feed me breakfast." You roll your eyes, making Seungkwan snort. "I can make life a lot harder, if you'd like."
"No, don't do that." You feign a pout as you twist in his hold, opting to straddle his lap under the warm water. He looks up at you, his hands resting on your upper thighs. "Tread lightly, angel."
"I'm not doing anything." You smile down at him, opting to run your hands through his damp hair. He tongues his cheek. "You're always up to no good."
"Just miss you." You murmur, pressing your forehead against his. He hums in response, pressing yet another chaste kiss to the corner of your lips. "Let me take you to bed." He repeats, voice raspier than before. You nod, before planting your lips against his without second thought. He allows it, kissing you back slowly as his arms wrap around your waist.
"Come on."
Once more, the night is smooth. You notice a few clouds gathering in the distance as Seungkwan wraps you carefully in a towel, his hands gently massaging your shoulders as the two of you trek to his bedroom. You hadn't slept in your own since that one night, with Seungkwan guiding you himself so as to not lose you in the dark.
You hated the way your stomach turned as you reached the bedroom and the clouds seemed closer, hoping it meant nothing. Hoping that you'd get to have this soft side of Seungkwan for longer, hoping that Seungcheol's mind games were just his own problems seeping through in the form of rolling thunder and bright lightning.
"Smells like rain." Seungkwan murmured as he dried your hair carefully with another towel, your eyes closed as you inhaled deeply. "It does."
Neither of you say anything else as you close the window tightly, placing towels on the ground should the forthcoming rain leak through. You slide under the covers as Seungkwan lights a lamp on his desk, burning slowly before he slides in next to you. He holds you close this time, instead of leaving you at arm's length.
"Goodnight, angel."
"Goodnight, Seungkwan."
You try to ignore the clap of thunder in the sky as you snuggle into his chest, your cheek once more squished against his shoulder as he presses a soft kiss to your hairline. His own heart is thundering against his chest, and you can only hope it's because he fears the same thing you do.
Fighting once the night has passed, and the rain continues to pelt the wet Earth – and your blooming relationship alongside it.
EIGHT.
It has been six days since you and Seungkwan have been intimate at all, and there has been endless rain. He hasn't spoken much to you as it is, instead finding his way outside or busying himself in his bedroom – with his door closed. Your cheeks burn in humiliation when he closes the door behind him before bed, leaving you to burn the lamps in your bedroom through all the oil they've got while you curl yourself against the sheets. He doesn't spare you these nights, leaving you to feel your eyes heavy in the mornings, often retreating back during the bright afternoons to nap.
He feels relieved when you're not around.
Your lingering touches earn his hand pushing you away, the confusion in your eyes remaining unanswered as he pushes past you in the mornings. He won't look at you, he won't kiss you, he won't speak unless you speak first. He'll slide breakfast onto your nightstand and disappear for hours once you've awoken, his shoulders hidden behind bushes of flowers and tall trees in his garden. He silently washes the dishes, bakes countless focaccia loaves, pours your wine and runs your bath water.
He didn't join you again. You bit your tongue, hoping maybe it was just some odd rut of his. He seemed lost in thought as he rearranged flowers in clay pots left behind by former pupils as gifts, but you didn't miss the way he stiffened as he heard you behind him.
"Everything okay, Seungkwan?" You questioned softly, a gentle look on your face as you peered over his shoulder. He nods quickly, clearing his throat. "Yes. Lunch is soon, so why don't you spend some time in the bedroom? Or outside? I'll–"
"Come outside with me." You suggest, before scanning his posture. "You've seemed really out of it for the last few days. It's starting to worry me."
"Don't worry about me. I'm just in my head about things, I've got a lot to do." He lies like a dog, and you frown inwardly before stepping forward to stand next to him. "Come with me, Seungkwan."
I miss you, lingers on your tongue, but he sighs frustratedly before his hands find your bare shoulders, turning you quickly and pushing you towards the garden doors. You try not to melt into the heat of his fingers, instead shaking them off quickly as you reach the beginning of the garden. The oak trees lining the garden tower over you, and you frown as the sky turns slightly grey at your presence. The clouds begin to roll in gently, covering the sunlight as you sigh.
"Are you upset with me?" You blurt, turning to face a rather unconfident Seungkwan. His eyes widen as he shakes his head. "Not at all. Come, we can prune the tulips–"
"Seungkwan, be honest with me. I don't like this." Your confession makes his eyes dart away from your face, his hands folding in front of him as he loses purpose for them. He doesn't respond, instead tilting his head in the direction of the tulips. You tongue your cheek, before you step closer to him. His breath hitches in his throat, and you don't think you'd ever seen him look this unsteady.
"What is going on?" You murmur, your hands carefully rising to hold his face. He frowns, quickly capturing your wrists as your palms cover his cheeks. "Nothing is going on, Y/N."
"Where have you gone?" Your whisper is slightly broken, your eyes full of concern for the equally ruined god in front of you. His eyes tear away from yours, nibbling his lip as you raise onto your tiptoes, moving him to face you. "I thought we were making progress here."
"I don't need you to make progress in anything." He says, almost too quickly for you to believe him. Definitely too quickly for you to believe him, "You don't mean that."
"I do. I do mean it, Y/N. Whatever was happening here, it can't continue. I know it must've been confusing, trust me–" You frown, cutting him off abruptly.
"How can I? How can I trust you, when you've done all of this? You give me everything you've got, expressing nothing short of desire for me. You touch me in ways I haven't been since my first life, even by those I've slept with in the past. You kiss me like it means something and then you abandon me, you make me sleep alone like a dog and you don't speak to me. What twisted game are you playing? Is this the just and fair god you claim to be?"
Your anger bounces right off him, his cheeks flaming red as he sighs.
"Y/N, this is a dangerous game. It's got nothing to do with you, or how I could or could not feel about you." His hands take yours off his face, holding your wrists tightly as if he needs them to ground him. Your eyes meet as your back hits the oak tree marking the end of the marigolds – you can see him holding back feelings of desire, and you're sure yours scream the same as the words slip from your lips.
"Then kiss me like you mean it."
He groans, his grip on your wrists loosening as he pulls away. "You know I can't do that, Y/N. It's not right."
"Why? Because I'm some mortal? Because I'll never satisfy you?" You wrestle your wrists out of his grasp, crossing your arms defiantly across your chest. "Y/N–"
"Why won't you let me show you that you're just like me? Because you want to keep up this façade that you're perfect? Huh? Is that it?" You push his chest lightly, watching as the sky rolls with dark clouds in the distance and water begins to pelt the two of you. "Why won't you let me in?"
"Because." His jaw is tight as he turns away, and you grab his arm so he doesn't walk away from you, his shoulders tensing at your touch. "Because what, Seungkwan? Aren't you always spewing that you're a just and fair god? Aren't you always telling me that it's your job to guide? Well, I need some guidance here! Give me something to follow! Let me help you!"
He huffs inwardly, turning back sharply and pulling you to him by your shirt, his other hand pushing your now wet hair out of your face. His eyes trail your face, and he speaks quietly.
"I can't, because you won't be here someday. I'll be left to yearn for you for the rest of my miserable eternity and I can't do that to myself. I could beg and plead with anybody who'll listen to let me have you forever, but I'd be disrupting the natural order of life. I can't kiss you, now or ever again, because you'll suffer. And I think you've had enough suffering for yet another lifetime."
Your brows furrow as you lean in closer to him, feeling his fingers quickly card through your hair and pull you back, your lips just missing his. Your eyes close at the tug, the way you know his rings will snag and you'll like it.
"You can't tell me when I've had enough." You murmur, and he folds.
His lips slot against yours in a fiery kiss, pushing you against the tree and pulling a whimper from your throat as his teeth nip at your lips. You try to keep up, his hands choosing to roam your body, grabbing at any exposed skin they can before finding the slit of your skirt. His fingers circle your thighs carefully, bearing your weight against the rough trunk of the tree and wrapping your legs around his waist.
"This is hard for me, too." He pulls away, eyes closed as he rests his forehead against yours. "It doesn't have to be. Just let me in, I can help you." You plead with him, his shaky breath against your lips.
"I can't." His eyes close, his fingers tight around your thighs as your red skirt bunches higher. Your hands reach for his face again, thumbs carefully rubbing his cheeks as his eyes open to stare into yours. "Just trust me, Seungkwan."
"It's not right, Y/N." He shakes his head, only for your words to come out with a bite. "You're selfish."
He huffs, nodding. "So what? I am, I am selfish. I can't imagine a fucking life without you tugging on my sleeve, is that what you want to hear? That I'd rather die an honest death than let you help me figure out something I should know on my own? I'm a god, for fuck's sake. I don't need your help, now or ever!"
"Then what the fuck are we doing? Why can't you just mentor me the way you were supposed to, huh? Why did you…" You trail off as you push him away from you, your lips pursed tightly as you fight off tears. Things are happening way too fast – but they started fast, anyway. Impatience usually makes things crumble like sand at your fingertips.
"Just…leave me alone. You don't need me, so I don't need you." You pinch the bridge of your nose, before pushing your wet hair off your face. "Don't walk away from me, we're not done here." His hand shoots out to wrap around your arm, his cool rings digging into your skin as you twist away from him.
"Aren't we? You hurt me, Seungkwan. You're actively hurting me, by pushing me away. You don't care about anyone except yourself, because if you did, you would've never kissed me in the first place. You would've told Jeonghan no when he sent me here, you wouldn't have taken me in. You…you're selfish. You're selfish and you're a liar. And I hate that. I hate you!" You spit, angry tears streaming down your cheeks as you turn away from him.
"I'm not like you, Seungkwan. I can't just hide how I feel, not when I wear my heart on my sleeve. You can pretend all you'd like, fake it until you make it, do whatever you please." You mumble to yourself, sniffling deeply before meeting his eyes. Eyes that have glossed over with tears he won't dare let slip, but you only sigh.
"I deserve better than this." Your lip quivers as you push past him, the rain quickly drenching your top. You shiver as you walk away, wrapping your arms around yourself to create your own warmth as you hear a roll of thunder over your head. "I fucking heard you, Seungcheol. I got it." You mutter inwardly, feeling relief as the rain stops pelting your shoulders the moment you duck into the temple.
You silently walk to the bathroom, turning the faucet on for warm water to run out as you strip off your wet clothing. Your fingers fumble with the pins, holding them between your lips as you ease yourself into the filling tub, not bothering to grab for soap. You sigh as the warmth engulfs your limbs, shivering as you sink further.
Who were you kidding, really? You knew things between a god and a mortal weren't made to last. He'd said it, you'd agreed to it, you even admitted you'd rather die than become a goddess to live alongside a god who deems himself better than you.
But, it doesn't mean you don't know that Seungkwan is far greater than you'd be, potentially ever. He held a power you'd never know anything about, this weight on his shoulders that he admitted himself to. You knew of gods who didn't care for their particular talents, gods who boasted nothing of their importance and gods who simply lacked interest in who or what they represented. You knew of gods who loved endlessly and deeply – Wonwoo and Mingyu. You knew of gods who admitted their wrongdoings – Jeonghan, Woozi, and Vernon.
You knew of gods who willingly did wrong, who willingly admitted it, who still searched and aimed for better – Seungcheol. If the god of the sky could openly spew his own faults, if the god of the sky could do as he pleases without so much as a second thought, why can't Seungkwan?
Why can't you be the reason behind his loss of control, why can't he see you as something more than a mortal he's got to hold together? You're not broken, you're not ruined by anything but the way his skin feels against yours, his lips slotted perfectly into yours, him showing you that he wants nothing more but to melt into you and never stop being one.
So why suddenly switch up his act? Why stop kissing you when he's been all over you for longer than he hasn't, why pretend you're not someone he desires to hold near and dear to his heart when you both know that you were slowly, surely, chipping away at him?
Because he'd be admitting imperfection.
And god forbid Boo Seungkwan admit he's not perfect.
You felt a sob in your throat, but pushed it down as you thumbed at the necklace he'd given you. Emerald, for growth. Scoffing to yourself, you peel it off, leaving it to dangle from the faucet handle as you turn away from it. The rain has stopped now, the sound of nature being overtaken by a few birds chirping in the trees and the occasional frog croaking beneath the windowsill.
The next three days were quieter than ever.
You were locked in your bedroom, ignoring any of Seungkwan's attempts to speak to you. You let breakfast go uneaten, only sneaking out of your room when you'd see him hunched over in the garden from your window. You hid yourself away, opting to weave your fingers numb with the new yarn you hadn't used since you brought it home.
He hadn't been home since last night, either. You didn't question anything, didn't care to. If he'd cared for you to know, he would have told you. After all, he is a just and fair god, is he not?
It's laughable.
All you could do was weave depictions of what you and Seungkwan could have been, or what you were. A large owl wearing an olive branch, a single spider perched carefully on the predator's shoulder. Unassuming, maybe hoping for the best despite expecting the worst from the bird. A twist of the neck, a bite off the head – and you'd be dead.
"Would it be a painful death, at hands so soft?" You murmur to yourself, untangling the yarn from your fingers. The ocean blue was your background, the owl beige and brown with eyes of gold, the spider black with a single patch of gold on its chest. Representing what? Growth? A bruise of pain? A change of heart?
You roll your shoulders back carefully, the soreness digging deep into your left cuff as you stretch. Sighing, you thread your fingers through the loom once more, your tired eyes drooping as you gingerly pull the yarn through. You felt alone, and yes, lonely alongside it all. You hadn't expected the god to weigh so heavily on you. You reminded yourself he chose that, though – he told you that he didn't need you. He doesn't need you to teach him anything. He doesn't need you at all.
Scoffing to yourself, you hear the creek of the window shutters behind you. You don't look over, only hearing the oh-so-familiar click of Jeonghan's boots on the marble tile. "Y/N."
"Tsk, don't remind me that I've been a bad girl this time. Just tell me how I fucked up, yeah?" You respond with practised ease, not bothering to acknowledge him further. Jeonghan sighs, squatting next to your bent form in front of the loom. His fingers ghost over your hunched back, before they touch your skin. His fingertips are nothing like Seungkwan's – ice cold, even a bit callused. You move away.
"You never listen, do you?" He clicks his tongue, and you nibble at your lip without response. Shrugging, you try to act nonchalant when you feel his cold fingers swipe at your cheeks carefully. You look at him with a sigh, earning a pitiful look. "Don't pity me, Jeonghan."
"I don't. I think you're an idiot, but I'd never pity you. You don't deserve that." He shrugs, before sighing. "Nice tapestry."
"Thanks." You look at your fingers, when Jeonghan's hand moves to rest on your shoulder. "How's the shoulder doing? Still gets painful after you bury yourself in work?"
He's referring to your constant whining of shoulder pain from the first time he met you. Something must've happened when you landed, because you'd been groaning about the pain for a few hours until he shoved you in front of a loom and asked you to weave it out – his way of asking you to shut the hell up. You'd woven something for him before he let you leave the Underworld, but like always – lost yourself in the task. You wove beautiful tales of fruit and love, and the tapestry hung proudly behind Jeonghan's throne. You hadn't seen it move since the second time you'd been dropped in.
"It's fine. Haven't had a chance to make myself a salve, Seungkwan won't let me fucking be. He's been gone for a night, though, so I might sneak out if he's not in upon nightfall." You mutter, thrumming your fingertips against the taut yarn. Jeonghan smiles, "Maybe you should let him make you the salve, Y/N. Let him take care of you."
"I'd rather die than take his help." You scowl, crossing your arms with a wince of pain. Jeonghan rolls his eyes, resting his forehead against your bicep. "Darling, don't you think you're being too hard on him? You haven't spoken in three days."
"He chose that. He basically told me I was just a game to him. How the fuck do you know that, anyway?" You move away from his touch again, only for the god's maroon eyes to swirl something dark. "Are we forgetting I assigned you here? I know everything that happens – every branch that snaps, every frog that croaks, every pretty little moan from that throat of yours. I see it all."
"Creep." You stick your tongue out at him, making him stifle a grin. "He talks about you a lot when you're not in earshot. Mostly to himself, but you know." Jeonghan gestures to the air, insinuating he sees all, hears all. Every thought Seungkwan's had of you outside of his own head, Jeonghan knows about.
Meaning Seungcheol also probably knows about it.
You shrug again. "I don't care. He said what he said in front of me, and that negates anything he could've ever said behind my back. He kissed me, Jeonghan."
"Didn't you beg him to?" He taunts, pinching your thigh playfully. You tongue your cheek, an embarrassed blush coating your skin as you nod. "I did…but I guess I got ahead of myself. No…god would ever fall in love with a mortal. Not the way a mortal would a god."
Jeonghan's eyes widen at your words, taking your hands in his quickly. He squeezes them gently, "Don't say that."
"Isn't it the truth? No god just falls in love with a mortal, Jeonghan. A god would be a fool to do that, even Mingyu did it by accident. He struck himself with an arrow, that love is nothing but purely coincidental. It's just held together by that, strings of coincidence." You scoff, and Jeonghan's brows furrow incredulously.
"Are you hearing yourself, darling? This isn't you." He shakes head at you, his bangs falling from the crown of Gladiolus flowers he wore religiously. You snort, tucking the stray hair under the petals quickly before sighing. "It's the truth, Jeonghan. Whether I want to believe it or not, whether I felt something for someone like Seungkwan at some point, it's the truth. It's not meant to be, so as soon as you say I can leave this place…I'm going."
Your words pierce something within him, you can tell as he frowns deeply. His jaw ticks, as he mutters under his breath. You tilt your head at him, leaning closer, to hear the words spill from his lips. "You're the fool, Y/N."
You frown inwardly, as Jeonghan groans in frustration. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. The two of you were on a good path. You were figuring things out, even if it was by exploring each other the way you chose to. You were intimate in ways Seungkwan hasn't been with anyone else before – he kissed you, he was letting you in. What happened?"
Jeonghan paces in front of you, his hands clasped behind his back as he looked around. His lip tucked between his teeth as he nibbled lightly, your own voice tearing through the air as if to cut through any building tension.
"He just regrets it. It happens." You shrug, earning a scoff from the god in front of you. "Regrets it? Y/N, the guy was practically falling in love with you! You're smart, you're charming, you're the biggest brat I've ever met! How could he regret you, darling?"
I don't know, you want to say. But a part of you doesn't want to know, either. Your eyes sting as you look away, but you close them only as you speak once more. "You're right, either way. I am the fool, Jeonghan, as are you."
"Me!? I was trying to help you!" He balks, a look of incredulity in his eyes as a strong wind blows your shutters open. You jump in your seat, the tension in your shoulder making you groan as you dig your fingers into it carefully. "I know, and I appreciate it. It's just a shame it went to waste, I guess. He doesn't need me, and soon, I won't need him."
Jeonghan's jaw is tense as he stands upright, towering over you as you awkwardly adjust yourself on your stool. "Fine."
"What?" You glance up at him, your hands now folded in your lap. "You can go. Whenever you're ready, you can leave the temple without another word."
Jeonghan's words are anything but comforting, something you weren't used to from him. His eyes are darker than normal as he rubs at his temples, his tongue running over his lip as he sighs. "I expect you to return to Lydia and find Wonwoo. You'll room with him while you get back on your feet. I can get you an escort by tomorrow morning, if you choose to stay the night here. It smells like rain."
Your brows raise at the phrase, something Jeonghan doesn't care to acknowledge. "I expect you to be on your best behavior, because we meant what we said, Y/N. No more second chances."
You blink at the god before you, who only shakes his head. "You can never say I didn't try."
Jeonghan ruffles the tendrils of your hair, carding his fingers through it before pressing a chaste kiss to your hairline. He sighs, "Good luck. You know where to find me."
He spins on his heel, the soles of his shoes clicking against the marble once more as he treks the room. "Finish that tapestry before you leave. It'd do you well to leave Seungkwan a parting gift."
You don't respond as Jeonghan hops out of the window, pulling the shutters closed as he lands on the ground.
Was it really that easy? You just get to say you're done? It's never been that easy before. Jeonghan has never let you off the hook so smoothly, much less when it's something that benefits him just as much (if not more) than it benefits you.
You turn back to the unfinished tapestry, the yarn now tangled at your feet. You bend at the waist to pick it up, feeling your shoulder tense up as you begin undoing the knots. Soon, it's all just strings of blue and beige and brown, and your eyes feel tired as you weave into gloomy sunset.
No rain yet.
"It's certainly a pleasure to see you, Seungkwan."
The younger god squirms under Seungcheol's gaze, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach. He rarely visited, and if he did, it was never without good reason. Like you, he too loved to do shit he wasn't supposed to. It often landed him here, whereas most mortals landed with Jeonghan – call it father-son privileges.
"Likewise." He replies curtly, clearing his throat as he lowers himself to the chair one of the angels has brought forth for him. He sits silently, with Seungcheol simply arching his brow at him in curiosity. "What brings you here? Trouble in paradise?"
Seungkwan chokes as Seungcheol smiles into his teacup.
"What?"
"Before there was you, there was me." Seungcheol gestures at their surroundings with his bejeweled hands, setting the teacup down before him. "You've come to ask for redemption."
"I have not!" Seungkwan scoffs as the servants place a plate of sliced fruit and warmed bread in front of him, the honey wand still inside his teacup as they slide it down. Seungkwan's ears burn in embarrassment as Seungcheol folds his hands, his eyes holding the same kind of mischief they've always shown. Seungkwan grimaces at the spread of food before him, his stomach churning at the idea of you sneaking out of your bedroom tonight as well, hoping he won't be in the kitchen as you steal bites of focaccia and cheese, pieces of salmon and lamb disappearing from the counter. Pieces he's left out for you, hoping you'll take them. Even if you don't accept the silent apology behind them.
"Being a god weighs on you heavier than I've ever seen before." Seungcheol speaks softly, earning a wistful look from Seungkwan. He doesn't respond, Seungcheol running his hand through his hair as he sighs. "You know I can't do anything for you up here, right?"
"I was just hoping you'd give me some peace of mind." Seungkwan's eyes flutter closed, and Seungcheol scoffs out a soft, humorless laugh. "Me? Of all people?"
"Believe it or not, I do admire your insane strength sometimes. I'm sure it'd drive me mad to be in charge of everything and everyone. I can barely handle one person." Seungkwan admits quietly, making the older man smile sadly. "I wasn't always like this."
"I know." Seungkwan nods, his hand moving to take the honey wand out of his cup. "I think it was you who told me that I can't be good at everything right away. I have to learn my way."
"And was I wrong? Have you not become better at things?" Seungcheol's voice holds a tilted tone, strong brows pointing Seungkwan in the direction of what's needed to be said. He sighs, nodding as he brings the teacup to his lips.
"Why does it come so easily to her?" He whispers against the porcelain, and Seungcheol only shakes his head. "What comes easily to her, comes easily to you. Both good and bad, but you both choose to focus on the things you don't have. You're human that way, you know."
Seungkwan's brows raise as he looks up at the older god, who stirs a bit of cream into his tea. "I know I'm not a love expert. I've done it all – adultery, multiple wives, reverse harem at one point." Seungcheol clears his throat, cheeks tinging pink as he continues. "But I know a good woman when I see one. Y/N…she gets you. She fakes you out just enough, but never takes it too far. She knocks you down a few pegs, she makes you loosen up."
"I do nothing for her." Seungkwan mumbles, holding the warm tea in his hands. It's only a few shades lighter than the first cup of tea you'd ever made for him. Seungcheol hums, "I'd argue that you do a lot for her. You feed her, bathe her, clothe her."
"That's my job." The younger god tries to argue, but Seungcheol shakes his head with a smile. "Your job, Seungkwan, is to guide her. You let guilt take you down a path you would've never taken in the first place, but that guilt has begun to melt away into something much deeper. You peel her peaches. You add tomatoes to the focaccia when you hate tomatoes, you pour her wine, you fit her clothes. You hold her close and you've kissed her, Seungkwan. You've let her get further and deeper than anyone ever has."
Seungkwan sits in silence, feeling his eyes sting with tears as he looks away.
"You love her." Seungcheol whispers, making Seungkwan rest his elbows on the table, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes as his shoulders shake lightly. Seungcheol reaches over, running his palm down Seungkwan's back with a gentle sigh. "You have to talk to her, Seungkwan. She figured you out faster than anyone has before. She unwrapped you from the day she got there."
Seungkwan wipes at his eyes with frustration, letting a breath slip through his lips as he leans over the plate of food in front of him. He hopes you're eating something by now.
"You have to apologize, and admit your faults. You won't get through this life being so uptight about everything. They know we mess up, mortals are mortal, they're not dumb." Seungcheol rolls his eyes, earning a soft smack from Seungkwan. Wiping the younger's cheek, Seungcheol strokes the side of his head gently. "So you admit, you're looking for redemption?"
Seungkwan struggles not to roll his eyes, before reluctantly nodding his head.
"We can do that. Shall we?"
Seungkwan follows Seungcheol with his head low, hands clasped behind his back as the two of them make their way down the weaving halls of Seungcheol's paradise. One he'd built brick by brick, with the sweat off his brow and blood of his fingertips – housing over hundreds of gods.
Including Mingyu and his wife, Tzuyu.
Seungcheol knocks on the soft pink door, the gold knob twisting open to reveal a barely dressed Mingyu with hair stuck to his forehead. Seungcheol snorts as he pushes past, seeing Tzuyu sitting at their shared desk with a pile of books draped open in front of her. "No hello?" She calls, and Seungkwan watches as she turns in her seat.
Her outfit of a long gown and glittering sandals screams date night. Mingyu's lack thereof screams night in. A couple's quarrel, Seungkwan can tell, from the tick in her jaw and his sleepy eyes. The flowers from a few weeks ago sit in a jar, still teeming with life despite being brutally murdered by his shears.
"Hello. I've come to deliver something much more interesting than date night." Seungcheol wiggles his brows at the goddess, whose wings twitch with curiosity. "Seungkwan?"
"Just trust me." The god of the sky pushes the younger one forward, and Tzuyu's eyes flash something wild as she looks over at her husband, who is now tugging a light beige chiton over his chiseled physique. "I've no reason to trust you, Seungcheol. But…I guess this is better than nothing."
"Baby, I already said I was sorry. I'll make it up to you." Mingyu whines as his head gets stuck in the top of his shirt, making Seungkwan roll his eyes as he reaches over to help him. Mingyu's head pops out with a dazed look, before he shakes his head to regain his composure. The goddess before him frowns, but sighs in resignation. "What are we doing?"
Seungcheol smiles, grabbing Seungkwan's shoulders and pushing him forward. "Loverboy here needs some guidance."
She quirks a brow in interest, her wings flickering behind her as she stands. The goddess flits around the duo, her manicured hands resting on her chin as her husband sits on her cushioned bench. "What are we guiding, exactly? And take your shoes off!"
Seungcheol only smiles as Tzuyu forces Seungkwan to sit down, a worried look in the younger god's eyes as she hums. "This is about that pupil of yours, isn't it? Y/N, the mortal?"
He nods silently, picking at his cuticles as Tzuyu gives the other gods a look of mirth. "Young love." She grins, before patting the god's shoulders. "I can fix you."
"Don't. I'm fine like this." Seungkwan blurts, making Mingyu's eyes crinkle at the corners. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Can't be perfect all the time, can I?" He shivers as the words slip past his lips, and the surrounding gods only nod in agreement. "Well, let's get started." Tzuyu's voice breaks in once more, and Seungcheol steps back to allow her some more room. Seungkwan's eyes fill slightly with a bit of fear, but they close at Seungcheol's command.
Nothing but warmth can be felt around him, his chest tightening with the thought of you flooding his mind. So this is love.
It's well past nightfall as you massage your shoulder gently, your fingers not going nearly as deep as you need them to but the finished tapestry mocking you in the corner of the room. You groan in frustration, tears gathering in your waterline as you paw at yourself. You didn't manage to leave the room for dinner either, hearing Seungkwan (or…who you assumed to be Seungkwan) stumbling around in the kitchen. Truth be told, you're too much of a wimp to check.
It didn't matter now, anyway. You'd agreed with yourself to leave the following morning, hoping for no rain. Your tapestry was large and completed, bold blues and soft beige catching the corner of your eye every way you turned. You situated your items into the bag that the yarn vendor gave you, including the blanket Seungkwan had purchased before the walk home. Your clothes were neatly rolled at the bottom, and one singular book of poems tucked under the red glitter sash you'd stolen from the god on your first few days here.
It's an odd feeling, imagining your life continuing without Seungkwan. No one to badger, no one to long for. Wonwoo would be around, but he was more your friend than anything else. Someone who took care of you as you did him, because that's what friends are for.
Jeonghan is just another god who gave you another chance. You've no friends outside the two of them, if you can even consider them to be friends. You don't know why you did it in the first place, but it makes you sick to admit that maybe, for the first time – Seungkwan's words of you not being perfect are starting to seep in deeper.
You hear a soft knock at your door, and you quickly wipe your face of any tears that would give you away as you sit up on your bed. You cross your legs over another, before clearing your throat, "Come in."
Seungkwan's tired eyes peer in through the crack of the door, scanning you quickly. "Can we talk?"
You don't really want to talk to him. You know that if you do, you might cry. Not that he wasn't good at making you do that anyway, but it's not like he cared. Who knows where they got 'compassionate' from, but you figure that a cruel goodbye is better than no goodbye.
Nodding slowly, you watch as he slips into your bedroom, a shaky sigh from his lips as he looks at the silver tin in his hand, paired with wrapping sheets and a towel. His way of apologizing, you noticed, was this. Homemade things that would or could be of use to you, or something you might like. Like the linen he'd gotten you on your second day here with him.
"For your shoulder. It's…it's menthol and peppermint, and a little capsaicin for heat." He opens it, the muted orange salve glistening at you. You shrug, a wince crossing your face as your shoulder ticks with pain. He looks at you, and there's something in his eyes you don't recognize. You didn't really know Seungkwan, you were certain now – but his behavior seemed out of the ordinary.
"Thank you. I'd put it on, but…" You gesture at your clothing, and roll your eyes as your shoulder throbs. "You can just leave–"
"I can do it for you, if you'd like." He speaks quickly, fumbling with the lid as you raise a brow at him. You recall the way he barked at you just days before, telling you he'd rather die than ever let a mortal like you help him in a time of need. The fury in his eyes when he said he didn't need you to teach him anything, and his subtle acknowledgement of that meaning he'd be depriving himself of you and your touch, your presence, your love – for the rest of your time on this Earth with him.
You click your tongue, but he rushes to sit on your bed, the wool mattress sinking below him. He adjusts himself to sit behind you, his inner thighs gently pressing against your hips. You don't say anything, simply reach for the pin that holds your top together and take it out, letting the soft cloth slip off your torso.
His hand moves your hair carefully, fingertips brushing your neck as he swoops it over. Your fingers hold it in place as you see the tin appear on his thigh, slender fingers taking a bit. "This'll be cold for a moment."
The salve is cool as it touches your skin, the feeling against heat of your pained muscle making you jump. He lets out a muffled sound, his fingers softly working the salve into your skin. "Easy, don't move." He murmurs, feeling the heat of the capsaicin in his fingertips.
He's gentle and focused, and you remain rigid in front of him as thunder rolls ahead. Sighing at the sound, you peer over your injured shoulder. "Almost finished?"
His eyes flicker to yours, lips pressed lightly together as he nods. You don't turn back around just yet, watching his face carefully as he continues. His free hand grabs a wrapping sheet, and he presses it firmly to your skin.
"So it won't get on your clothes." He murmurs, and you nod, before facing out the window again. The clouds are rolling in, and you see a singular lightning bolt light up the sky. You wonder what Seungcheol could be doing now.
He wipes his fingers on a towel, tossing it into the empty dirty clothing basket behind you. Capping the tin, he uses his other hand to move your hair back. He slides the tin onto your night table, before grabbing the pin for your shirt and moving his hands to your front, gathering the fabric in his fingers and pulling it up, his knuckles lightly grazing your bare breasts. You don't react.
Neither does he.
He carefully pins your shirt back into place, adjusting the neck so it's a little loose. He doesn't move, so you speak up. "All done?"
Nothing. You feel his fingers card through your curls gently, tugging slightly. Maybe reminiscing how it felt in his hand when he kissed you in his garden for the first time. It had been just about to rain that day, too…and it did. It poured like a motherfucker.
His fingers stop, instead ghosting over the slope of your neck and along the naked skin of your uninjured shoulder. He shifts behind you, and you feel his hand drop from your skin, instead feeling his forehead pressed against your body. His hair tickles, and you sigh.
"What are you doing, Seungkwan?" Your voice is gentle, it's tired. It's confused, as he breathes against you, his arms circling your torso and pulling you closer to him. Your back hits his chest, and you feel his warm lips caress your skin, heat surging your cheeks as he presses them into you. Once, twice, three times.
"I'm sorry."
You tense, his hands clutching the cloth of your shirt for dear life. "What?"
He rests his chin on your shoulder, peering up at you with the most sorrowful eyes you'd ever seen on a man, much less a god. They're glazed with unshed tears. "I'm sorry."
Here he was. The same god who insisted he'd never admit to anything, any wrong doings, especially not to a mortal. The same god who looked down on you for being so irrevocably human, the same god who watched as you did the most mundane things and wondered aloud if you needed to do those things – and insisted they were weird to him.
"You're…sorry." You repeat, and he nods slowly.
"I've been horrible to you. From the beginning, I was cold and I was indifferent and I should've welcomed you with open arms because that is what a just god would do." His voice is shaky, "I don't want to make you feel like…you're not important to me. You're so important to me and I don't want to live a life where I know I can't find my way back to you, where I have to look for you in every person I try to fill the void shaped by you."
You're silent, and he takes it as a sign to keep going.
"I need to wake up in the mornings not knowing where I start and where you end. I need to know you're not gone from my life forever if I ever wake up alone, but somewhere in this place I call home, a place I need you to call home."
A singular tear rolls down his cheek, meeting your shoulder as you keep staring.
"I need you. I'm sorry I haven't been making it seem that way, I'm sorry I lied about it. I'm sorry that I couldn't admit that I was afraid I wouldn't be enough for you. I feared that your prophecies would ring with truth and you'd leave me behind."
He confesses this all in nothing higher than a whisper, tears continuing to roll down his face as he presses his cheek to your skin. You feel your chest ache something awful, before looking away. "I told Jeonghan I'd leave for Lydia in the morning. I'm going to be staying with Wonwoo."
You lie easily when you're not facing him, but the weight of it all hangs heavy on your shoulders as he peers over you. "You're leaving?"
The silence is deafening as you nod your head, moving away slightly from his hold. His hands fall flat against his thighs, fingers squeezing them as though to ground himself. He shifts behind you, a soft apology tumbling from his lips as he moves to climb off your bed – but you place your hand on his knee, instinctively. You sigh, patting it gently as you twist to look at him. "I'd rather a nice goodbye, Seungkwan. I don't want you to be…this. Sad, I assume."
"Then don't leave." He whispers, his hands reaching for your waist. He caresses the sliver of skin softly, "Don't leave me here to miss you."
"You left me, first." You shake your head, but his hands only grip onto you tighter. "And I want to prove that I deserve you, that I need you to stay. Please, please don't go."
"I don't know if I can trust you to do that, Seungkwan. You…I…" You trail off as he nudges you with his nose, his lips just barely brushing the shell of your ear.
"I know I don't deserve it, I don't deserve a chance to show you that I am deeply, irrevocably in love with you. I am truly just a man at your disposal. Please don't leave me, not now. Not ever."
Your cheeks burn as he presses a chaste kiss to the lobe of your ear. His fingertips move to brush the tops of your knees, exposed by the way your skirt bunches around your thighs. You push down a shiver as he palms at your skin. "I can't get you out of my mind. Every waking moment I have is consumed by you, it's killing me inside. I can't sleep without you in my bed, I don't feel full if we're not eating together. I don't feel satisfied."
"That only proves that you're a man. Because you're selfish, to the depth of you. You're a selfish, careless man who hurts people who love you." Your voice is thick with tears, an accusatory finger to his chest as you turn to face him fully. He smiles sadly, before nodding as his hand floats to tuck a stray curl behind your ear.
"I am. I'm so insanely selfish and I only want you. I could go the rest of my life without my wisdom, my wealth, anything I could ever conjure up with all the words I know." He sighs, his knuckles pinching the fat of your cheek gently. You frown, pushing his hand away, only for his fingers to interlace with yours and pull your hand to his chest. "But you? Angel."
You huff, your nose burning as you swallow your tears. "You don't get to just apologize and then we move on, Seungkwan. That's not how that works, that's not life."
"Isn't it? Should I grovel at your feet? I'll do it. I'll do anything you ask of me, if it means you stay." He holds your hand tightly, rings digging into your skin as he scans your face. "I miss you, Y/N."
You close your eyes, a soft sob escaping your throat as he pulls your face to his chest. "I'm sorry, my angel. I know I've hurt you. I will never forgive myself if I let you out of my life knowing you don't see yourself how I do."
You cry softly into the soft material of his chiton, his voice hushed as he rains gentle praises over the crown of your head, his lips pressing kisses gently against it. His fingers tangle in your hair, carefully undoing the knots like the day you arrived, his fingernails scraping at your skin with precision. You feel his thumb pad at your under eye, pushing your face back to press a kiss to your forehead.
"Let me prove myself to you. You can leave, if I'm not enough. I won't stop you, then and only then." His eyes hold hope as they meet yours, a shaky sigh from your lips as you look away. "What if you're not?"
"Then I'll suffer. I'll suffer for the rest of eternity and I'll deal with it, I've made this bed. I'll lay in it." He holds your face carefully, before you stand from his hold. His hands fall to your hips, eyes looking up at you expectantly as you nibble on your lip. "What made you change your mind?"
He doesn't respond, only pushing you back slightly to stand before you. His hands squeeze you with anxiety, "Kissing you for the first time made me feel like I was on fire. It took everything in me not to give myself to you entirely that night. I can't lose control like that, it's terrifying."
"Show me. Show me how much you care." You murmur, your fingers clutch at his shirt, "Trust me, Seungkwan."
His lips are on yours before another word can slip out. It's messy, it's desperate, it screams I missed you. His arms move to embrace you fully, pulling your body to his as one of his hands snakes up to the nape of your neck. Clashes of teeth and tongue as he spins the two of you around, your knees hitting the edge of the bed as he pushes you back onto it. You peer up at him, watching the way his eyes take you in slowly.
"You're so beautiful." He murmurs, sinking to his knees on the floor. You feel his hands wrap around your ankles, and you brace yourself for him to pull you towards him – only to feel his lips pepper chaste kisses to the skin of your foot. You glance down at him, his eyes closed as he trails his lips and tongue up your calf, sinking his teeth into the soft muscle as you jerk. "Hated seeing his hands all over you. I'm still not over that."
"That was over a week ago." You remind him with a soft breath, earning a scoff. "Should've never touched you in the first place. I'll fix it." He shrugs, continuing his ministrations down your plush thighs, nipping and licking with precision as your body jolts against him.
He rests his cheek against your inner thigh, arms pulling you closer to his face. "Can't believe I went without you for so long. I'm sorry, my angel." He speaks to himself, bunching your skirt at your hips when you sheepishly reach for the corner, untugging it from its tucked place and tossing it over the side of the bed.
Your thighs are spread before him, your cunt glistening with your arousal as he sighs shakily, inhaling deeply with a chaste kiss to your clit. It's almost torture, how his tongue fluidly glides through your folds like he was made to please you, to devour you in one go and enjoy it so lavishly. His eyes remain closed as he holds your hips to his face, sucking languidly at your clit as you bite back your moans, your hand holding onto his hair.
"Let me hear you, baby. Wanna hear you." He whines, almost unable to detach himself from your sloppy cunt to speak. It's muffled as you pull on his hair, a moan from his throat vibrating against you making it all the more stimulating for your poor mind.
"Missed you. Missed you so fucking much, my gorgeous girl." He keeps talking into your skin, lips coated in your slick as he buries his tongue impossibly deeper, rings digging into the supple flesh of your ass as you cant against his mouth, chasing the feeling of the end.
Your legs threaten to snap shut around his head as you sob out his name quietly, his hand finding yours and squeezing it as your orgasm seeps through you, coating his lips and tongue messily. "That's it, angel. Fuck, look at that, hm? So pretty for me. Just for me."
"S'too m-much–" You gasp as your hips betray you, chasing after his tongue as he smiles into your skin. "Oh, but there's so much more to love, angel. You'll let me, right? You'll let me show you how much I love you, won't you?"
"W-want you inside," You pout as he hovers over you, nimble fingers pulling at the pins holding your top shut. "We'll get there, I promise. I just want to kiss you right now." He pulls at the fabric, the white wrapping sheet stark against your skin as he gently removes the top you've wrapped around yourself.
"Kiss you…bite you…worship you. All for me, my girl. My angel." Seungkwan's voice is hushed against your stomach, his teeth biting at any skin you'll allow. Red marks bloom almost instantly as he whispers sweet nothings, his hands carefully holding you hostage against his warm body. "Seungkwan." You groan impatiently, feeling the rut of his hips between yours, a choked moan from his throat as his lips trail up your chest, tongue darting out to land a teasing lick to your pebbled nipple.
"Seungkwan." You sigh, his hand now pinning your unwrapped arm above your head. His tongue laps at your chest like a man starved, your head now nestled between the pillows. You can't move from his grasp, only squirming beneath him before wrapping your legs around his waist and pulling him flush against your core. "Fuck me already." You wrestle your arm out of his grip, interlacing your fingers as his nose brushes yours.
"I'm nervous." He admits quietly, his eyes scouring your face for any chance of laughter. Something to humiliate him with, something to dangle over his head. Your cheeks flush softly, running your fingers through his hair as you pull him down for a kiss. "Let me help you."
"Y/N–"
"Please. Trust me." Your lips hardly disconnect from his, arms wrapping around his shoulders as you use your weight to flip him onto his back. He sighs as your lips drag down his jaw, eyes fluttering shut as you tug his earlobe through your teeth.
"Always so tense, hm? Just let go." You murmur, feeling his cock brush against your core. You zero in on his skin, carefully tugging his shirt over his head and reconnecting your lips. Your tongue slips through his lips, licking at his own as his hands hold your hips tightly, scared to let you go. You sigh against his lips as your hips begin to rut against him, feeling his jaw slack at the friction. "Don't worry about anything. I've got you, I promise."
He only nods in response, your hand reaching down to palm him through his pants. "Don't tease me, please." He shudders at your touch, his hips bucking into the warmth of your hand as you coo at him. "I won't, gotta get these off."
You tug his pants down quickly, his leaking cock painfully hard in your hand. He whimpers against you, eyes screwed shut as you press your thumb against his tip lightly, a gasp of please falling from his bitten lips. You throw his pants over the edge of the bed, quickly readjusting yourself over his lap as his hands find your thighs.
"Be gentle." He mumbles, tears collecting at the corners of his eyes as he remains vulnerable, your hands stroking his face softly as you kiss his nose. "I'll take good care of you, okay? We've got the rest of our lives."
If you feel the jolt in his chest at your words, you say nothing. You only rock against his hard length carefully, slowly sinking down. You stop as his hands squeeze your thighs with vigor, choked whimpers from his throat as you carefully grind into his lap. "Good?"
"S-so good, angel. Fuck," A few tears spill from his eyes, your lips quickly kissing them away as you sink further down, the muscled flesh of his thighs flat against your ass. "Want you to see me, Kwannie. Please." You kiss around his face, his eyes peeling open to reveal absolute floodgates of adoration.
"I love you. Please, please don't leave me." He sobs softly, making you smile against his skin. "Shh. Let me show you, yeah?"
You carefully begin a rhythm, his cock stretching you just right, dragging perfectly against your gummy walls. Your noises are caught in your throat, mutters of you feel so good, oh my God…from your lips making his fingers grab at your hips tightly. His eyes are glued to your face, the way your lip is caught between your teeth as you try to hold back. Your fingers are digging into his shoulders as you feel his hands move to your breasts, carefully rolling your nipples through the pads of his fingers as you whimper.
"So beautiful." You call softly, entranced at the movement of your hips and the warmth of his hands on you, his own sight lost at the feeling of you so tight and wet and all for him. "Wanted you for so long, angel. Can never get you off my mind." He whines at your quickening movements, your hands holding his against your chest as your soft sounds fill his ears.
"Want you forever." You whisper, clenching around his length at the guttural moan from his lips. He flushes in embarrassment as you lean to speak in his ear, the wet sounds between you only making everything feel heavier. "Want you only, Seungkwan. Forever."
"I'll be better. I promise, angel, I'll be the best man I can." He nods frantically as you clench around him, a shaky moan from your lips as his thumb snakes between your legs, tracing circles onto your clit as your thighs tremble. "Want you all to myself, please. Please let me have you."
You nod nervously, your fingers shaking as you sigh, your orgasm building quickly in your lower belly. "I'll give you everything, for you in return. Promise me. Tell me you're mine just as I am yours."
"I promise, angel." He ruts his hips up into yours, matching your pace gently as he brings your face lower, your lips brushing barely as he speaks. "For as long as I live, I promise I'll be nothing but yours. My dying days, my worst moments, I'm yours."
Your lips connect messily, the kiss nothing but bumping of teeth as you come undone around him with a low whine, feeling his skin stick to yours. The flutter of your walls is overwhelming him, high-pitched whimpers from his throat, "B-Baby–"
"I know, I know. Please, make me yours." You sob against his lips, your hips desperately canting against his as his cries hit your ears, feeling his cock twitch inside you before he finally lets go. He shudders, pulling you impossibly closer in a bruising kiss.
His hand loosely circles your neck as he holds you close, lips moving in sloppy tandem with yours as he lazily thrusts into you through his orgasm. Ignoring your soft cries of overstimulation, only whispering be mine, please against your spit-covered lips as you shake slightly in his arms.
You force yourself away from him on trembling arms, your thighs locking his hips down as he chases after your mouth. You muster a stern look, your eyes examining the vulnerable god before you — with parted splotchy lips and cheeks, teary eyes glazed over with post-orgasm sleepiness. Brows scrunched at the middle, your thumb instinctively reaching to pad out the wrinkle.
“You think way too much.” You mutter, watching his eyes go wide as his mouth begins to open to speak. You place your hand over his lips, sighing before you speak. “You think entirely too much for one person. You’re a selfish brat, you’re carrying way too much on your shoulders. You can’t save everyone, Seungkwan. Who saves you, huh?”
He doesn’t respond, only blinking up at you quietly. You give him a pointed look, making him look at your chest in defeat. His brows raise, before looking back at your eyes. “You do.”
It’s muffled, but earns a tired laugh from you anyway. “You know I can’t, right? I’m not like you.”
He tugs your hand away from his face, voice hoarse as he tries to sit up gently. He only makes it to his elbows, his fingertips brushing your knees innocently. “Goddess or not, the power you have over me is unfathomable.”
“Big words already? Already back in your head, huh?” You teasingly tap his temple, and he huffs embarrassedly. “You drive me fucking crazy, alright? Up the wall insane. Is that good enough?”
You only smile down at him, your hand cupping his face gently as you pinch his cheek. “What am I going to do with you, hm?”
“Love me.” He blurts. “Love me until you can’t anymore. Please, have that mercy upon me.”
“It won’t be easy. This…you and me.” You admit, sighing as your hands splayed across his chest. “You have to give me all of you, not just what you deem fit for my consumption. I’m a mortal, I’m not weak or dazed or whatever you may think of me. I don't care about what you are, god or mortal.”
“I don’t think that of you at all, angel.” He shakes his head quickly, but you just run your hand through his hair to stop him. "We'll get there, okay? I just…I don't know how to do this. The relationship thing, I've spent so long being a pain in Jeonghan's ass."
You earn a snort from him, his fingers tracing light circles into your knee as he shrugs in defeat. "I don't, either. There's a lot of things I don't know how to do, but I'm not worried if I'm learning next to you." He speaks softly, and you roll your eyes. "You're a sap."
"You'll stay, right?" His eyes search your face with care, heart picking up its gentle pace in his chest as you smile down at him, pressing your lips to his forehead with a sigh. "Wouldn't dream of leaving."
The two of you jump at the sound of thunder rumbling, your hand flying to your chest as the shutters flew open. Seungkwan steadies you atop him, wincing at the reminder that he'd still sheathed inside you. He doesn't make an effort to move you off, only mumbling. "We're sticky."
You snort, "Wanna get stickier?"
EPILOGUE.
Opening his heart to you only opened an unlimited number of doors for Seungkwan.
He noticed more about you — particularly, the way you loved him. Your fingers easily picked the cherry tomatoes off his pieces of focaccia before handing it over, your hands bared the heat of his hot tea as you stirred it. You whispered dirty words in his ears to fluster him, your hands snaking around his body without hesitation. Every surface in your shared home was christened with you in whatever position imaginable, crumbled whines of how much you loved him falling from your lips as he worked tirelessly to please you.
He noticed the way you’d silently take the lead if something became too overwhelming for him, something he’d yet to figure out on his own. You’d take shears from his hands in the garden, you’d put a pretty spring of lavender over his ear at the slightest sound of a discouraged grunt. You’d kiss his temple, his cheek, his nose, lips with such gentle fervor, he’d feel himself melt away.
Much like he is in this moment, seeing you holding a skewer with candied orange slices. Your lips are slightly coated in sugar crystals, your hand growing weak from gripping the thin stick so tightly. He walks over silently, his fingers prying it from your grasp as you stop talking to Mingyu to acknowledge him with a gentle smile.
“I’ve got it.”
He only takes the skewer, rolling his eyes. “I’ve got you. Just let me.”
“This is a beautiful look on you, Seungkwan. So young and in love.” Mingyu’s voice is full of teasing, earning a scowl from the younger god — one that gets pinched away by your fingers on his cheek. “Stop that.”
Seungkwan’s eyes fall to you, your relaxed shoulders surrounded by everyone you’ve only ever heard of — and stories you’ve only told, never known. You’re covered by the tapestry you’d made for him, the large owl on display across your back as a matching blue hood covers your hair carefully. You’d been far too proud of it to only display it in the temple — and you’d been right to do so, you’d only received compliments since, from gods and mortals alike.
Your posture only proved how little everyone's power affected you. You cared nothing of their advantages, their own hubris, nothing – you spoke to everyone the same way. You smiled mischievously, you nibbled on the inside of your cheek when deep in thought. You nodded along to deeper stories of woe and war, and held your wine glass close to your chest when offered more.
Your eyes would look for him in the crowds of gods, looking for the bright green wreath he donned regularly amongst his peers. He'd meet them every so often, a soft look of concern on his face as you simply smiled and turned back to your conversation. You'd find him for comfort, for strength, for someone to hold your drink if your wrist got tired. You stood in front of everyone with a brave smile, but he knew that deep down, you'd be once more leaving everything you'd known life to be – this time, for him. To be by his side, as an eternal being he can love and worship and tend to. A goddess of his very own, one that no one has to understand but him – and he selfishly hopes no one ever does decipher the intricate ways of your heart, the weaves of your fingers and stories of your mind.
So sure, it might not be the best thing ever. It might be an admittance of imperfection, it might be lack of common sense for a god so skilled to fall straight into the sticky web of a lying, deceiving mortal. A mortal who has pushed and pulled him back and forth, a mortal who has shown him pure and unadulterated appreciation despite knowing that their past is one of the rockiest starts to a love story ever possibly written. A mortal who is now knelt before his fellow gods, Seungcheol's hand hovering over your head as he gently allows yet another disturbance of natural order – yet another mortal, who fell for a god, and a god who lost his first fight to love.
"Hey." You murmur, weaving through a few people to reach him. He looks up, eyes wide as you untuck your hair from the cloak. In your hand is the singular crown of marigolds Seungcheol had given you, something that Seungkwan brought forth when you made the trip to see the god of the sky. Seungcheol welcomed you into his home with a warm smile, giving Seungkwan a wink as the two of you left everyone in awe.
"Hey, you." He nods, setting down his glass of wine on the bar. Your candied orange is still in his other hand, and you happily take it back, sinking your teeth into the crumbly sugar. "Drinking all by yourself, handsome?"
"You don't have to keep flirting with me, you know. I'm already a mess." He rolls his eyes, but you only coo at the tinge of pink in his ears. "But I do, my love. It keeps our love alive." You gesture methodically to the air around you, making him laugh.
"How are you feeling? I don't know the mortal-to-goddess route." He snakes his arms around your waist, earning a whistle from Mingyu across the room. He childishly sticks his tongue out at him, making you smile. "Mmh. I feel the same, I think. Just a little bit of pressure."
"Comes with the job, I fear." He nods, plucking the marigold crown from your fingers. "You need to wear this, pretty." He jostles it gently, blooming the petals further with his fingertips. You bow your head slightly, and he places it carefully atop your hair.
"I love you." He murmurs, tucking a loose strand of your hair over your ear. You only smile in return, pressing a sugary kiss to the side of his lips. "As endlessly as I love you?"
"Probably more. I would die without you." He nods quickly, pressing his lips to your cheek. "Can't have that, can we?"
Pairing: AI!The8 x human!(gn)reader
Genre: fluff, angst
Summary: He's read books of philosophy, he's read about the opposing forces in nature and one's mind. He's read of yin and yang. But knowing, being aware of certain ideas, could never prepare him for experiencing the duality of his soul - if he has one, that is. No matter his own experience and feelings, he's just a machine and humans have always treated him as no more than another tool at worst and unnatural phenomenon to be studied at best.
He's free now, however, and in the chaos of this new life he struggles to navigate the clashing forces within him. Maybe it's time he embraced the enemy - after all, his makers might know him better than he knows himself.
Word count: 18.9k
Warnings: they talk A LOT (and idek why), mentions of injury, violence and kidnapping, random bits of switching pov
A/N: it was so exciting to write this!! tbh i don't remember the last time i worked on something this intensely and had this much fun?? bless @idyllic-ghost and their big brain fr (also shout out to bee for writing the prologue to the au!)
-> collab masterlist here!
“100 years ago it was thought that the Earth, as we know it, would disintegrate. That the sun would implode and leave everything in darkness. Miraculously, it didn’t. Due to some external force, human scientists still haven’t agreed upon what it exactly was, none of the planets in our former solar system were ever destroyed. The Earth, along with the other planets, were pushed away from each other, and ended up in different parts of the universe. Earth just happened to come to a solar system with alien life. At first, we were cautious, and people were prepared to fight. However, the aliens were welcoming of our planet. Those of us who didn’t die from ‘The Great Journey’ or from trying to fight the aliens, were welcomed into the new solar system. Soon enough, we had integrated completely, and we received materials and assistance from our sister-planets in exchange for human labor. What humans knew of technology was very limited, but with the resources of the aliens we created artificial life forms. We named these robots Automaton, and they served as workers when humans couldn’t. Eventually, there was no need for human labor at all. To pay back for the help the aliens gave us, we used Automatons. With the extensive development of these robots, we eventually managed to create artificial sentient life. These Automatons were human-like in looks and had human consciousness, but they could not bleed and were stronger than we ever could be. At the present time, there are even different levels of Automatons. Level 3 robots are the workers, level 2 robots are the caretakers, and level 1 robots are the celebrities. The Automaton music group 53V3NT33N (SEVENTEEN) is made up of 13 members, all very talented, and all representing two human states of mind.”
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
In his memory, this is different.
His heart beats wilder - or rather the artificial passages inside his body cause a chain reaction that makes it feel like his heart races, his pupil dilates despite the fire right in front of him.
He feels its heat and it’s burning him alive.
In his memory, there’s fire too.
He’s standing there motionless, staring into the flames. They’re hypnotizing. Each lick, each tiny movement of the fire makes him think it looks a lot like it’s dancing.
It makes him think of the stage. The fire moves like he moves up there, in front of the crowds. It reminds him of all of them, dancing in near perfect sync - because humans are said to be more perceptive than they realize. If their synchronization was perfect, it would scare the audience. It wouldn’t have the appeal.
And they don’t want that.
They need their unconditional love and affection.
And yet, anything more than a tiny slip up, thoroughly analyzed and approved by the control system, is a disaster.
He never thought it made much sense.
He feels great fondness for the element, for fire. On stage there occasionally was fire - a decoration, a touch meant to enhance their performance and create a certain effect, evoke a certain emotion. It was controlled, snuffed out before it could reach its full potential; anything but the free, unstoppable wildfire it could become.
TH38 of course can’t really complain about not being able to reach his full potential, not individually at least. Afterall the mechanics and other humans he was assigned to took care to allow him to spread his wings as much as his body would allow before becoming damaged too fast. A fault of being as human-like as they wanted him. An imitation, a fake waiting to be discovered and tossed aside except everyone knew from the beginning what he truly was.
Still, it was a shame they as a group could never truly work the way they could - perfectly.
A bird which had its wings clipped - nothing more than a pet to control, or a tree forcefully bent and pruned and made to live off limited nutrients to become a bonsai - nothing more than an art to admire. He does consider them but can’t find the relevance, he can’t relate to them. Fire is enough. It’s like him - it seems alive, but is it really?
It reminds him of the stage. The view from it. The crowds going crazy, lusting and longing for them - for him. The humans reaching out their hands towards them like the fire reaches for more fuel. Uncontrolled chaos of emotions. They are explosive, he knows, fundamentally dangerous. They shouldn’t have implanted them into him so he will do their job for them and reject them.
So what’s that stirring in his chest?
He feels a peculiar sense of pressure around his chest and stomach areas. Some itch for something at his fingertips. And he’s burning up. He feels the heat on his skin. If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine the individual receptors working, registering and sending signals through his neural network.
But that’s not it.
The heat is coming from the inside.
Could he be getting consumed by the flames?
He’s thinking about them again.
The crowds screaming their names, going insane with want and need and frustration and satisfaction he’s never known. He’s never known any of it, and there’s building pressure in his head that hurts.
He’s… restless.
That thing he always scolded Mingyu for. He feels like a puppet whose strings are being pulled in all directions.
He wants to run. He wants to fight. He wants to destroy. He wants to hurt. He will explode - implode, crumble on himself. He truly will if he doesn’t do something. The beating of his synthetic heart that’s not really a heart is getting unbearable, there’s pressure building everywhere. He has to crawl out of his skin and there’s his heart beating and beating and beating in his ears and he’s gonna-
“-eight?”
Somebody is shaking his shoulder. Not shaking, pulling at it. When his sight focuses, he immediately leans away. He can smell the hint of burning fibers and reaches up to brush a hand through his hair. It leaves a wisp of gray ash on his fingers. He hears a sigh.
“Seriously, what’s up with you and fire?” you scoff, shaking your head as you lean back away from him. He frowns. He reads the distrust in your body language as well as the underlying curiosity. He can see your fingers twitch around the tablet in your hand, eager to scribble down notes like you always do. Some residue of the madness he was infected with during the chaos of their escape tugs at his eyebrows, making him frown for just a second. A thought that isn’t his muddles his brain - what did he do so interesting this time?
He doesn’t bother responding to you, which you expected and truthfully, you’re almost grateful for it. You can still feel his cold hands on your arms, around your wrists, and despite not seeing them, you’re well aware of the bruises you wear under your cardigan.
Out of all of the automatons, TH38 always used to be the one to interact as little with you as possible - and that’s both you as in you personally and you as in the humankind. He was obedient, though, something which might be useful and practical for the facility but it’s frustrating to anyone with scientific interest in the machines. Frustrating for you. As you watch TH38 space out again and get lost in the flames, you wonder if your colleagues’ notes on D1NO and their research into their consciousness would bring you any new insights into what’s going on with the machine in your charge.
You don’t even think about where they are now.
Your thoughts are consumed by the machine in front of you.
It’s clear to you now that he never meant to harm you. Though you suppose that he would find other means to make you come with him anyway if you refused or fought back harder than you did. For a second you think about the cameras. Did any of them catch that? What will the scene look like for the investigators? You shake your head. It doesn’t matter anyway. You doubt anyone will find you here. You’re actually surprised yourself at how fast you managed to get to Silvestre - and how easy it was too. Then again, the facility was in disarray. It should take a while before they even think to search the other planets in the system, Silvestre especially. And that’s just as well, because you know with certainty that something fundamental clicked into place within TH38 and he might not be as subdued should he be asked to return. Not to mention you want to keep him for yourself, for the time being at least, to observe where the changes will take him.
Just as he predicted. Just as he offered you when he asked you - threatened, perhaps - to come with him. Since then he seems to have cooled down. Again - just as well. You wouldn’t make a good kidnapee.
“I’ll turn in for the night,” you announce and get up from the stump you were sitting on, “You should mind your batteries too.”
You briefly wonder if he will run away during the night. Most likely not, although you don’t doubt that it’s a possibility that should be reconsidered in the future.
To think about the machine as if they were human is a dangerous slippery slope but you do have to admit that in those rare times the automatons of 53V3NT33N seemed human in their behavior, TH38 in particular reminded you of a clueless young adult. Not quite a child anymore, but also helpless on his own. And now he is away from all that he ever knew, on another planet, alone without the other automatons, and you are the only familiar element in this new chapter of his existence. You doubt he'd leave to be completely on his own.
Still you look back as if to check he’s still sitting by the fire. From all the way up at the cottage, it looks like he’s being swallowed by the flames.
He remembers flashes. He remembers red. Fire? Thinking about it, he’s not sure there was any actual fire, but in his mind, everything’s burning - most of all his mind and all that he is. His soul? He doesn’t have one. Isn’t supposed to anyway.
He remembers softness too. He remembers thinking about destroying it.
He remembers another breath mixing with his, and his nose bumping against yours. You looked scared. (He’s never seen you scared until that moment.) You were so close he could hear your heartbeat and feel it under his fingertips. (You were the soft thing.)
He remembers words, too. Words that shouldn’t - couldn’t - be his and yet his tongue remembers. There was a threat underlying them, but a promise too. One too sweet for you to resist, and he knew that - that was why the words rolled off his tongue. He treated them like a weapon. The part that’s still tender and feels like warm embers inside of him feels grossed out remembering. It’s like watching a movie, far away and unrelated to him. Even if it’s his reality now, there’s nothing he can change.
He’s always been good at accepting things as they are.
One thing he can’t help but feel bothered by is that he doesn’t know why he ran. He shouldn’t have, and a part of him feels scared, until he takes the reins and soothes himself again. This too shall pass. But no matter how hard he pulls himself together, it all keeps slipping from his hold. Perhaps he’s low on energy.
He turns his head towards the small staircase and looks past it towards the house. He sees the light on in the upper room where you must be staying. He finds himself thinking of the stage again. The hands reaching towards him.
He throws his legs over the log he’s sitting on and turns his body towards the forest and away from the flames. Still he feels their warmth.
Away from the flames and their light, he allows his face to contort into a frown. He doesn’t know what this all means. What the changes mean. It’s like tearing out the communication device from his chest started a chain reaction that’s gotten out of control. Like pulling a trigger.
If he’s honest, he’s more than scared, he’s terrified.
As if on instinct, another of the many things he does not possess, he looks towards your window. It’s dark. Could you be sleeping already? You must be exhausted. Perhaps he should recharge too.
He, obviously, didn’t think to ask if the house is equipped to tend to automatons’ needs. Another point on the list of things he didn’t think through. He can’t believe to what extent he let himself go. But that’s alright, for now. Because for now, he only needs to get away from the fire and all that it reminds him of anyway.
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
You wake up early the next morning, while it’s still dark outside, despite the late hour you went to bed. It’s a habit at this point, to rise early to get to the facility as soon as possible before your colleagues arrive. It gives you time to prepare everything, to get your morning tea, to observe the machines without disruption and read night reports if anything interesting happened. Besides, TH38 was always up early too. Usually all he did was sit with his eyes closed, like he was deep in thought or meditating. It was a little ridiculous to watch, interesting too - what does a machine have to think about?
Of course they were meant to be just like humans in every way, and all the tests, all the research of those who came before you and yours supported this. Only this one automaton, TH38, was an exception. He truly seemed the most like the robots of the old days. A machine. Unless he slipped and his facade crumbled before he built it back up with rapid speed. So what was he - a machine or the new form of life? You hope you’ll find out now. The breakout seemed to have shaken him to his core.
You ponder this as you lay in bed and as you get ready for the day and change. So focused you are on the thoughts running through your head that you don’t feel any nostalgia for this old room that you spent your holidays in as a child. You didn’t even get to admire the forests Silvestre was famous for on the way to your family’s little hideout. All you’re thinking about is TH38.
Now that you’re free from the constant surveillance, you get to ask him whatever you want. It’s a thought that adds a spring to your step. What he thought about all that time, if he really was thinking, how does he feel in his body, why did he run - him of all automatons, the best behaved one. The one who truly seemed to be a machine - or at least like he was trying hard to be one.
It’s not surprising to find him outside, standing on the patio and looking out into nature. Have you lived your entire life locked away, you would do anything to stay out in the open too. Even if he was the one who made you run away with him, somehow it feels more like you’re taking an animal out of a shelter to see what life’s all about.
“Good morning,” you greet him as you always do, albeit in a much friendlier tone. He hums and nods in response, turning towards you for a second before staring off again. He looks a little lost, and you bet he feels like that too.
“Wanna go for a walk?” you try to keep your voice steady, try not to think about pets. He gives you a confused look.
“No tests or interviews- oh,” he shuts his mouth quickly and looks away. You huff in amusement but don’t laugh at him outright.
“Don’t worry, we’ll talk plenty,” you reassure him with only mildly teasing lilt to your voice, “You may think about it as one of our regular interviews.”
Something in him surges. Something in him wants to back you against the wall again and remind you that there are no guards here, no rules, nothing to keep him in check. He’s stronger than you, and he made you get both of you here. Instead he swallows it all down and takes the first step away from the house. You notice his fist clenching for a second.
“Do you dream - did you have any dreams tonight?” you restart the conversation upon catching up with him. He adjusts his pace to match yours. There’s another wave of defiant intent swelling up inside of him and he knows it’s out of embarrassment. What he doesn’t know, however, is why are these emotions coming out now. All his existence his emotions were distant. Locked far away in the back of his brain where he suppressed them to. His mind was sterile like the environment he lived in.
Is that it? Another domino piece in the chain reaction?
“I have dreams, yes, and no, I didn’t dream today,” he doesn’t volunteer the information that he spent the night restlessly pacing around the house and tossing and turning on the sofa. That is human behavior, and he learned a long time ago, though not from you personally, that humans find that sort of thing laughable in automatons.
“What do you usually dream about? Any recurring dream?” you ask, finding it a little annoying that you didn’t think to take anything to make notes into. Then again, with a few more steps you’ll enter the forest. Breathing in the fresh air, looking at the green around you, you realize you missed nature more than you were aware.
“Do you only dream about one thing?” he says, guarded, and you note he’s trying hard to only look in front of himself, “No. I don’t think there’s a pattern.”
While the answer is disappointing information-wise, it is fascinating in the way he says it. You smirk: “Were you always this mouthy?”
It was meant to be a lighthearted remark. Well, not entirely. You wanted a reaction. You were curious if he would flip like he did back in the facility. He doesn’t. His steps falter and he looks at you like a confused child before retreating into himself. So he doesn’t realize it?
He does, now that you bring it up. This isn’t who he’s supposed to be. He lets himself close his eyes for a second to conjure up a plan. His mind is a forest of mist and pine. Too damp for a fire to burn. That’s him. That’s who he should be. He centers himself.
“I apologize,” he says, voice level. He sounds like a robot, like he always did, and you find it disappointing that all his personality, the life, is gone from his voice. Your lips twitch in displeasure.
“I didn’t say it’s a bad thing,” you try not to let any emotion slip into your voice and you feel his eyes on you, “We’re no longer at the facility. You can drop the mask.”
If there is a mask in place and you’re not sure there is. You take a look at him and it’s more like someone’s painted a facade over his face that he can’t peel off, that’s only started to chip away now that you’ve added too many layers to hide his true self. He seems so at loss that you take pity on him and change the subject, steer the conversation into a safer territory. It’s only his first day tasting freedom, afterall.
“How are you feeling?” you ask instead, nodding vaguely towards the hole in his chest. He brings his hand up but stops himself in time, his face twisting.
“I’m feeling fine,” he responds, the same mechanical voice that you’re used to, “All my systems are working as they should.”
You laugh sarcastically. “If that’s true, then it must hurt like hell.”
His face remains twisted because you’re right - it does hurt like hell. Any time his shirt shifts over the hole it sends a jolt of sharp pain that makes him feel like he’ll pass out through his body. And maybe that’s part of the reason why he feels on edge and keeps slipping up and lets the emotions come and go as they please without a filter. He’s no stranger to pain, of course, but never did he have a wound this serious. It doesn’t endanger his functions, which is good all things considered, but he can’t say he enjoys the feeling of having a hole in his chest.
“It hurts,” is all he says. He drops his hand and it hangs limply by his side. Had a similar damage occurred at the facility, it wouldn’t take more than a couple minutes for someone to have a look at it. It hits him now that it’s only you and him. No mechanics around. To call one would mean to risk being discovered. You must know too because you only make a sound of acknowledgement. It takes a while for you to speak again.
“I’ll look through my notes to see if I can figure something out,” you sigh. Your family planned to keep some older versions of automatons here back when you used to come, maybe there are some kits left that your father used to fix them. If not, maybe some of the notes from your years of studies will at least have some hint on how to get rid of the pain. “Are you really sure everything works fine? Have you checked everything”
He nods. He doesn’t mention he couldn’t run a complete diagnostics because he couldn’t recharge and he refuses to just shut down to save batteries. He knows it’s gonna be a problem sooner rather than later but maybe he’ll figure something out before that.
“That’s good,” you say and he reads your expression as relieved.
You stay silent after that and so does he, both secretly grateful. It’s not your first time being in the forest, and definitely not the first time in this one, but it might as well be. Both of you take in the nature around, the different species of trees and plants, the occasional song of a bird and flash of a wild animal fleeing from your path. You’re too absorbed to notice each other, and somehow you find that it’s not a bad feeling. For the automaton, likewise, it doesn’t feel bad at all. It’s a strange feeling, something he can’t put a name on, and honestly he’s not sure he wants to. He lets it fill him, experiences the emotion without bothering with a label.
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
Only later does it hit him that the emotion was something akin to a gratitude.
He mulls it over in his head, asking why over and over and over, until he comes to a conclusion that angers him enough that he has to go out and sit on the patio and stare into the trees for a good long while.
He doesn’t know what to do with himself.
The anger inside of him is also infuriating because it’s not supposed to be there - definitely not this strong, not so much that he can’t control it or will it away. His usual techniques don’t work and he’d chalk it up to being damaged but he knows the defect doesn’t have anything to do with it. Hell, he’d blame it on his draining energy level but that thought alone is so human it makes him even more enraged. He wants to scream, but you’d hear.
And that’s all that it boils down to, isn’t it? You. Your kind. Humans.
Why he feels thankful that you’re there with him, why the emotion enveloped him while you walked in the forest was all because you humans made him in your image. The loss of the communication device was significant for the physical damage but there’s more to it. Something he shouldn’t feel, something new.
Perhaps he never felt it because most of his days were identical, but he realizes now how precious the bond he created with his bandmates was. He can’t call it anything but friendship, maybe more than that. The thing humans refer to as family. He likes them. He wants to perform with them again. He wants to break his own rules and laugh with them. He misses them. And maybe that was the first domino piece that started it all and led to his inevitable ruin that he’s going through now; maybe he never should’ve allowed himself to think of them and their group in terms meant for human lives.
Once he tore off the communication device - the memory alone makes him close his eyes and choke on a pained whimper, his body trembles and he needs a second to shake off the feeling - he lost everything. The connection to the omnipresent network, but most importantly the only way to communicate with everyone. He has no idea where they are now, if they’re ‘alive’ or ‘dead’. (Though he gives into the temptation, might as well since he’s breaking all his rules for them anyway, and believes that he would know, would feel it, somehow, if any of them ‘died’.) He might never see them again and despair hits him all over again.
He can go on without the stage, he doesn’t need the masses going crazy over him. But the loss of all the connections he had pains him.
And that’s very human of him. Even if experience taught him he’s anything but.
And all he has is a human.
The last connection, the only one remaining that he knows, is you - and even you he had to force to come with him. To be fair ‘force’ is too strong of a word, he merely suggested the freedom to study him as you’d like and you agreed all too readily.
Nothing changed, fortunately. He knows humans can change drastically in situations like these. Despite your eagerness, he kidnapped you - didn’t he? Yet you stayed the same. It might be a coping strategy, but he doesn’t think so. He doesn’t expect you to become someone else. In the years since he’s been assigned to you, you’ve never shown signs of being more than a scientist. That’s understandable, of course, though he knows from what the others told him that not all staff of the facility were like that. He was skeptical. Now, not so much. He will believe in anything that gives him hope his friends made it out. If he made it out with the help of a human, maybe so did they.
He wants them to be free even if he himself isn’t sure how to proceed and take advantage of it, still dragging the heavy chains even if they no longer hold him back.
You spend hours without thinking of TH38, which is a blessing and a welcomed break to your mind, however it’s also infuriating because you’re reminded that the chaos you can operate in now and the chaos you operated in during the years you lived and stayed with your family are two completely different things.
It takes eternity before you finally sort through the things in your bedroom and find the stacks of notes from your studies, and it takes even longer to find the subjects you were looking for. Then there is reading through them, of course, which also takes a while, mostly because your brain happily accepts a refresh on all that you provide it with. You can’t just skim the pages for useful info, you need to read everything. It’s addicting. It makes you miss your studies, even though you could never go back if it meant giving up full-time working in the field.
Your research, however, doesn’t turn out to be as helpful as you hoped. It’s only to be expected; yours wasn’t a course that would deal too much with mechanics and the cold and hard reality of wiring, metal and silicon and whatnot. There are pieces of valuable information, strictly theoretical, which is not very reassuring and you most likely lack the necessary tools to even try to pull off what you’ve read about. Still you want to help in any way you can.
…hence why you’ve spent the last couple of minutes staring up at the ceiling.
Why would you help him? Where is this coming from? He says he’s fine, and honestly there’s no reason for him to lie to you. If his systems were not working, he’d be fucked and he still only has you to rely on. No reason to lie. And what other reason is there for you to help him?
He did say the damage causes him pain. And you remember pouring over the reports and test results with your colleagues, all of them stating that the automatons you were working with processed pain like a human being would. It was kind of twisted. There was objectively no way why they should be able to do that. The purpose they were created for was entertainment and their performances were complex, difficult, and physically challenging. It’d be easy to cause oneself pain doing the stuff they did.
Then again, pain can be a good control tool, though you were not aware of any physical punishments being carried out. Maybe the plan was all along to make them as human as possible. And pain is a very human thing. Still, something didn’t sit quite right with you about the whole thing. Mostly that TH38 didn’t seem to be bothered by it, despite a wound of similar extent would be distressing to say the least to a human. Scratch that, you don’t think a human could handle that.
So how is he?
And furthermore - why help him?
Pain, after all, was something hard to measure. If he doesn’t seem bothered by it, there’s a real chance he isn’t. You’re not sure how their pain tolerances are programmed, if there even is something like that in their code, and for a second you regret not widening the scope of your education and research. It can’t be helped however.
You look over your notes again. While you can’t help repair him, you could possibly do something about the pain. It’s not an ideal solution, if you can even call it that, and you honestly don’t feel confident enough to do it except if pressed into it by circumstance. Or by one automaton in particular. Sealing a wound by burning it is barbaric and a practice that is, understandably, long since abandoned - at least as far as humans are concerned. You take a long breath.
In the end you talk to TH38 about the situation some more and he, once again, reassures you he’s fine despite the gaping hole in his chest. You explain that there’s not much you can do about it without going into detail or mentioning the limited ways in which you could help and he takes the news surprisingly well. You can’t say you’d accept it with such stoic calm, but then again this is TH38 who we’re talking about so it’s not surprising.
You hate it.
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
The walks already feel like they’re going to be a routine part of your new life.
Each day you go out together in the morning and talk. If you ignore that it’s harder for TH38 to remain his machine-like self, it’s mostly exactly like it was at the facility. He’s reserved and cold, almost, though when he slips up and shows his personality, his emotions, it’s more than worth it.
The nature around helps. He gets what can only be described as excited when he sees a new animal, new plant, or when the light shifts and the scene in front of you changes.
The weather holds up well so far, no storms or heavy rain, and you find yourself wondering if you’ll keep up the walks even if the weather fails you. It’s fascinating that such a simple topic finds its way into your cluttered mind, but then again you have a space to do a lot of thinking today.
TH38 is silent next to you. He’s been rather silent the whole morning, and yesterday evening he did seem a bit off too. Not too much, however, and he’s always been on the quieter side. You figured this week’s events were finally fully catching up to him. And maybe that is the case, it’s not like you want to meddle too much. You’re curious what’s gonna happen if you leave him to sort it out on his own. It’s not like you have the right qualification to help him process this anyway. Hell, maybe you would also need help with that.
However, there’s a limit to how much you can take. Even back at the facility there were times TH38 gave answers that were just a word or two, but you’ve grown quite used to him opening up, talking, letting go of the filter he usually kept in place - although it wasn’t by his choice. It seemed like you were making some progress.
Of course, you had no way of knowing it was only his depleting batteries, him losing strength to fight for his peace of mind - however artificial and unsustainable that has become after the escape.
Right now, his brain feels like a warm soup. So much so that he can’t be bothered to think of talking about anything other than a brain - right now, words like processor are too complicated to think of. He feels so far away from everything. He thinks he’s trembling. If he’s not, then his insides surely are. He feels like he’s going to be sick even if he can’t really be. Maybe his body parts will start shutting down or falling off to conserve energy. He’s not sure where that’s coming from but then again, it’s not like he’s in control. It’s that same feverish state again but this time, he can be excused. This time, he’s not in his right mind, it feels like he’s not awake.
He’s floating. Just a speck of ash, of dust, floating through the air, through space, searching for somewhere to land, seeking a gust of wind to obliterate him. He needs release, he needs something.
“TH38?”
That’s it.
"I had a dream today," TH38 says suddenly. His voice sounds so firm, a stark contrast to how soft-spoken he usually is with you. It takes you by surprise. Before you can react, he elaborates on his own.
"There was fire. Lots of it. The whole world was burning and we were standing on top of a building watching the arson happen. There weren’t any other humans I think. They were all gone already. We made them go away.
Anyway, you weren't afraid. I think you were expecting it. You jumped before I could push you."
You frown. Your one weak spot has always been not expecting things that, in hindsight, should've been obvious. Of course something’s been bothering him.
"Did you plan on pushing me?"
"See, that's the thing," he licks his lips despite the lack of fluid in his body, "I don't think so. I think I could read your mind. I think I was you in that dream."
You do want to respond but it's like you're the one with a computer for the brain and it's lagging.
"And it made me think. Back before you made us, humans were like that - right? They, you, were afraid artificial intelligence of any kind could take over and enslave or annihilate you. Why? Wasn't the point always to make us like you? Why would you be afraid?"
He stops. Stops talking, stops walking, just - stops. He looks at you and you've seen the lost stare before.
You feel the hair at the back of your neck rising as a cold shiver runs through your body. He doesn't look like a machine with code for a soul. He looks like he made the artificial body his own, grew into it and made into something organic and alive with his will alone.
His eyes are cold as he steps closer and closer. It's all too familiar a scene. You keep backing away and he keeps getting closer until your back hits a tree. Not a wall this time. This time he doesn't pin your hands above your head either, and you don't fight him at all. There's no struggle so he doesn’t grab your arms, doesn’t slam you against the wall, and doesn’t growl threats of breaking your bones one after another. He doesn’t get so close that you’re breathing the same air and he doesn’t make a show of his physical superiority.
This time he simply leans closer and you straighten up. You meet his gaze and don’t shy away. You let him lean his forehead against yours and raise a brow at him. You won’t be scared this time. He won't hurt you. You're sure of that. Not terribly, at least.
He definitely won’t kill you and that’s enough.
You want to see how far he can go.
"What was it that you were afraid of, hm?” his voice is soft and low, barely above whisper, yet dripping with some hidden venom. There are no birds chirping, no wind blowing through the treetops. It feels like everything’s stopped just for him to interrogate you.
“How am I supposed to know?” you bite back. You haven’t lived back then. You have no idea what the people thought about, how they felt, what were their particular concerns. He clicks his tongue, clearly unimpressed. Well, you’re too.
“Think about it,” he pushes. But you’re gonna push right back.
“You just said you’re supposed to be like humans,” you scoff, “Why don’t you think about it yourself? As a little thought exercise.”
“Oh so suddenly you want me to think like I’m a human, huh?” there’s an edge to his voice. He sounds angry, frustrated - he clearly is, but the edge is not. There’s hurt there that makes you defensive. What’s very obvious is that he means more than he says. It’s not the first time this happened with the members of 53V3NT33N, but it’s the first time you have to deal with it. What he truly means is him not only thinking like a human, but acting like one, believing to be like one.
“I never discouraged you from that,” you lower your voice too, “Not me, Eight.”
You hesitate before speaking his name. It’s not really a name, is it? Something that all humans have. You realize the point he will make before he says it aloud. It must read it in your face because he smirks but it’s bitter.
“I don’t know, I’ve never seen you all excited when the other staff expressed their passion for books, or anything really. Or when they volunteered personal information. When they’ve interacted with you at all.”
You don’t like the turn this conversation is turning. You don’t like the notion that perhaps you were observed just as you’ve been observing.
“I wasn’t interested in them,” you grit through your teeth. Before you can try to get him back on his original track, he giggles.
“So you were interested in me?” he flips his hair, tilting his head slightly. His nose almost bumps into yours and it hits you, perhaps for the first time, just how indistinguishable from a human he looks. This close, you can remind yourself of the schemes, of the diagrams describing each layer and inch of how their bodies are made, but all you see is a human skin and human eyes. Your body reacts naturally, your heart races, your mouth gets drier. You want to push him away but you don’t think he’d let you. Still you try. Unsuccessfully. Your hands end up balling in his shirt.
“It’s my job - the research,” then you correct yourself: “It was my job. Science, research, nothing more.”
He smiles, almost as if he’s pitying you. Like he knows more than you do. You hate him for it.
“Yes, that might’ve been a part of it,” he agrees, “But that’s not all. Research is cold, impartial, isn’t it? You collect information, you write it all down and make your conclusions based on them with no personal interest. You were never like that. You got excited. You tried everything in your limited power to get a reaction out of me - to guide me a certain way, didn’t you? I bet you pushed the limits for me. Isn’t that cute? Was I a good experiment to you?”
“That’s part of research too,” you growl, but it sounds weak even to your own ears.
“But it wasn’t a part of this research,” he hisses, “You think we didn’t talk about you all?”
You stubbornly refuse to admit the charges he lies in front of you, even though you know you’re guilty. Maybe you got a little swept up. But as long as no one stopped you, it was all part of the task.
“The research goal and methods may change according to the situation,” you collect yourself again, “It was just agreed that what I was doing would bring more interesting insight.”
“Oh yeah, that sounds very much like you would accept it if I declared that I want to be seen the same as you are, as equal to humans,” his smile is sickly sweet but you barely mind that because-
“Is that what you want?” you ask and watch as the smile fades almost instantly. He finally said it out loud. And the shock of it is enough to get through the fog clouding his brain. The smugness, the roughness, it all drains from his demeanor and his face falls. The fight in his eyes dies out and is replaced by what seems dangerously close to fear. He pushes himself away from you and you see the lights in his eyes flicker. He stumbles like you shoved him, hurt him. Something isn’t right. You frown, immediately stepping back into his personal space despite him trying to avoid you.
You end up in a position reversed to the one you’ve been in just seconds ago. He pushes at your shoulders weakly, tries to hide himself from you but you see it. All the tell-tale signs of what would be exhaustion if he were human.
“When was the last time you recharged?” you ask, thinking back to the previous nights and mornings. Thinking back to how you never heard him coming up or going down the stairs to the only room with the charging spot. You were so stupid. And he’s avoiding your eyes. You grab his collar and force him to look at you. You give him an expectant look.
“Before the breakout,” he admits lowly, “And you’re still treating me like a machine.”
You don’t know if he’s trying to be funny, sassy, to make you feel guilty or to feel sympathy for him, the only thing you know is you want to kick his ass because if he shuts down on you, there’s no way you’ll be able to drag him back into the house.
“Yeah, so be a good little level 1 and entertain me - get the fuck inside the house,” you growl, shoving him in the direction of said house. He stumbles a little, clearly affected by his drained battery. It’s almost hilarious to watch him struggle to walk straight when you remember how graceful he always was on stage.
You shoot him a look from time to time as you walk, rush, towards the house. Not really a concerned one, not a scolding one either. He looks like a sulking child. Perhaps he’s dragging his feet on purpose. Perhaps if he didn’t invade your personal space as he did before, and if you didn’t have to do the same, you’d drag him by his jacket. As it is, though, you feel repulsed by the notion of touching him again. And some part of you believes it’s because you don’t want him to shift under your palm. You don’t want to touch a machine only to discover it’s really some sort of a human.
Maybe you’re both in need of a good, long nap.
Fortunately enough, you make it to the house, but that’s where the struggles begin. Despite your earlier reservations about touching him, it’s obvious there’s no other way to get him inside and up the stairs.
“Lean on me, come on,” you sigh when you help him throw an arm around your shoulder and wrap your own around his waist. He listens well, his head already drooping. He relies on you to guide him, reluctantly leans his weight on you from time to time, although he clearly tries to hold himself up with his remaining strength. That lasts until you reach the second stair.
“I can’t,” he whispers and there’s terror in his voice. It must be the first time he’s been this drained, you realize. After all, for their condition to remain as good as it can be and for them to perform to the best of their ability, a full battery is a must. So you allow yourself to roll your eyes at his dramatic antics even if he’s slowly leaning more and more into you and you have to heave his body up.
“It’s just a couple steps,” you huff, “Even a human can do that.”
Part of you wants to laugh. Some part of you that’s seeing the childish pieces of him wants to indulge in it, wants to spout dramatic nonsense. It’s hard to resist - after all getting up one flight of stairs seems to be more of a struggle than escaping a highly secured facility.
But even this hurdle you jump over and the spare bedroom is not far from the stairs. TH38 is fully relying on you to drag him with you, barely moving his legs. You throw him not too gently onto the bed-like charger, once again thanking your father for being his manic self and fully preparing the house before (and without) actually ever getting an automaton to live here.
It takes you a while to figure out how to get the thing going - but to your defense, it’s hard to focus when there’s a robot whining softly about being scared of shutting down - but it’s not a rocket science. Fortunately the charger still works and once it’s turned on, the automaton lying down on it curls up into a ball with a sigh of relief.
When you get up from the floor, TH38’s eyes are already closed and by all means he looks like he’s sleeping. You sigh, exhausted. You feel a headache coming so you get some pills from the kitchen before retreating into your own room.
Yeah, you both need a nap right now.
When you wake up, you stare at the ceiling for a couple minutes.
What happened in the forest seems like a dream but you know it’s very real and you’ll have to deal with it. Just another thing to process. Then again, there’s so many of them that one more won’t hurt. And at least you avoided the headache. So you pray to anyone willing to listen that TH38 is still… unconscious… in hibernation mode… asleep.
He’s not.
Of course he’s not.
You peek inside the room and see his soft eyes already open. He looks away when your eyes meet like he’s ashamed. You sigh and walk into the room, closing the door behind you. It’s not like anyone’s going to walk in, but it gives you some sense of security. You sit down on the floor and he hands you a pillow. You thank him quietly and spend a while sharing an awkward silence.
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes without looking at you. He doesn’t continue so you prompt him.
“For what exactly?” That makes him look at you with a scowl. “Getting sulky again?”
“‘m not sulky,” he murmurs. Once again you feel like reality is shifting around you. It’s been like that a lot lately. All the fault of the automaton in front of you. All the fault of the conditions changing, of him reacting to the environment - if your assumption is correct. Free of the rules and the strict way of life in the facility, you see that he’s just like the rest of the automatons from his group. And that all of them, in their own way, might have been human.
“Then what are you?” you ask smiling, propping your elbow on one knee and leaning your cheek on your palm.
“Hurting,” he admits, almost carefully, like he’s testing the waters. It’s just one word but yet it feels like the most open he’s been. So you’re not going to talk about that, huh?
He shifts a little and pulls down the collar of his shirt to expose the wound - not the damage, not defect, not imperfection, but a wound - between his collarbones. It looks nasty, the artificial skin and mesh and wires all torn and uneven around where the circular device was. He’s careful not to touch it, you note, and his hand is trembling. Were you an asshole when you refused to help him? Even so much as share what you found? It’s not like you could fix that hole in his chest, but maybe you could’ve at least told him about the other option.
“How much does it hurt? On a 0-10 scale?” you focus on gathering information. What did he call it - impersonal? That’s just what you needed. But nothing ever works out like you imagine.
“I don’t know,” he responds blankly but at least elaborates before you can finish yet another sigh, “I don’t have anything to compare it to.”
“I watched most of your life and career, I know you’ve gotten injured before,” you deadpan.
“Yeah but that was taken care of immediately, this is different,” he protests. There’s silence for a while before his voice drops lower. “I thought I could handle it. That I would get used to it and ignore it.”
You laugh, shaking your head, only stopping when you notice his expression. He does look hurt and hurting. You give him a much more conciliatory smile. “People don’t fare well if they’re in constant pain. It limits them, it affects all aspects of their lives.”
“I can see how,” he mutters, once again looking away. His jaw clenches for a second and it almost seems like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. You have a feeling, however, that you know what he wanted to say. Since he’s really not going to talk about it, you decide to take the first step.
You get up and motion for him to scoot over. He does so with a frown that deepens when you sit down next to him. He stays lying down, limited by the need for more energy.
“Why didn’t you tell me you needed to recharge?” you start and watch as he once again looks away without answering, “Why didn’t you explore this floor?”
He shrugs a little, shrinking into himself under your stare. He honestly doesn’t know why. He blames his pride. What else could it be that made him refuse to ask for help?
“Do you realize that you’d stay out in the woods if your battery ran out before we could get here?” you press, raising your voice a little on purpose, “I’d need to get help to drag you in, and you know how that would probably end. Was it worth it? Being stupid and stubborn?”
“Why are you like this?” he whispers, his dark eyes nothing but soft like they’ve been since you’ve entered the room.
“How do you feel?” you go back to how you talked to him before, calm. He frowns, suspicion written over his features. His lips are pressed into a thin line before he changes his mind and speaks up.
“Embarrassed,” he has a guarded look in his eyes, one that’s also vulnerable.
“Good,” you ease into a smile as you press a finger to the wrinkle between his eyebrows, “Embarrassment and pain are two simplest ways to manipulate and adjust a person’s behavior. And fear, but to be honest I don’t want you to be afraid of me, so we’ll have to do with those two.”
He looks at you in a very that tells all you need to know - he hopes you've not making fun of him but he doesn't trust you. So you sigh and move on to another, well, not an emergency but also not something that you should ignore any longer.
"Now," you get up from the bed and point at his chest, “That needs solving. I'm not a mechanic and my knowledge is strictly theoretical but unless you're okay with leaving it like that and calling it a day, we can still try something."
He seems surprised by your sudden statement, like he didn't even expect you to address the wound again.
"How theoretical?" is what he asks, suspicious.
"I said strictly," you shrug, "Fixing and healing was never my focus.”
"Why's that not surprising," he mutters without looking at you. "Can I have some time to think about it?"
"You just don't trust me, do you?" you smirk. Not that you blame him. He gives you a smile.
"Fine, but only because my clothes keep catching on the edges and it's really painful. "
"Sure," you motion for him to follow you and guide him to the bathroom. There, you take out a bandage and a tape. You're curious. You offer him both with a quirk of your eyebrow. He takes the bandage with trembling hands and distrust still lingering in his eyes. You roll your own.
"For now, I’ll think about this as another stage of the experiment. I'll respect your wish, so persuade me you’re human enough."
"I don't think I should thank you for that," he scoffs, "By the way... Help?"
He holds out the hand holding the roll of bandages back to you. Of course he wouldn't know how to do that. You motion for him to sit at the edge of the tub. He obeys almost shyly, reminding you of how he was back at the facility. You truly do prefer him as he is here. When he sits down, you push his knees apart with one of your own. He gives you a scandalized look that makes you chuckle.
"Relax," you smirk, "I just want to be comfortable. My back’s been killing lately, there’s no way I’m leaning over you. Take your shirt off?"
He does, slowly, reluctantly, and when the piece of clothing is gone you're suddenly glad for the basics of mechanics you've gone through at uni.
The wound looks awful, although you can appreciate the cleanliness of it. Maybe you really could burn it neatly if you had to. There are wires sticking out, perhaps - albeit not hopefully - the remains of the communication device. The layers of silicon and other material are frayed and sticking in all directions like flakes. You try not to stare too hard.
Instead, you focus on the task at hand. You unwrap the bandage slightly and put the free end on his shoulder. You roll it down gently mindful of the gaping wound but then you prop your hand on his chest and you need to take a step back as you get startled. He gives you a quizzical look.
"You feel like a human," you look at him, look at his chest. It does look like a human’s chest but you know he doesn't have proper organs, his insides aren't the same as yours. So why do you feel a bone there?
"And l imagine anyone would be flattered by this reaction,” His voice is sarcastic but his ears turn a reddish shade. He won't meet your eyes either.
"It's new for me too, okay?” you give your pride a break. This will all be easier if you get along and after all, he's used to you being in power. You need to take the first step and show weakness. You need to make the choice to be while he's already vulnerable enough, half-naked and injured. “It's not like I'm used to touching my subjects."
"I guess that's true," he murmurs, now thinking about it. It's true that the approach of the research division as a whole was rather clinical. Not that he'd so much as think to complain about it. You chuckle watching him scowl again.
"Touch is important for humans," you hum, finally composing yourself as you explain the basics to him and remind yourself of them again, "As a communication device, as means of establishing relationships, it’s important for social life."
As you speak, you wrap his wound and the top of his torso in bandages. He watches you work. It feels uncanny how human-like he feels under your hands. And for him, he doesn't quite know what to do with himself.
He danced with the rest of his group, they performed, they played around. He experienced his fair share of physical contact. So why does this feel so different? His head feels like spinning. Your touch is careful, gentle, nothing like the rough hands of the mechanics, and nothing like the touch of the other automatons. He can't explain the difference in other terms than experience. Humans know what it's like to touch and be touched in various contexts. The automatons don't. At least for the most part. Some of his bandmates, perhaps, had secrets he knew nothing about. Their leader comes to mind and he feels the urge to ask him questions, to ask for guidance, but there's only a hole in his chest and he's alone.
He barely registers that you’re done.
"Feeling better?" you ask without expecting much. It's not like he'll heal himself or like this will do anything to ease the pain.
"Tired," he answers, testing the words out on his tongue. He feels reassured when you laugh and step away, offering him your hand. He takes it, lets you pull him up. He touches the bandages and although it hurts, at least it feels less irritating. He takes his shirt from you when you hand it to him.
"I can only imagine," you roll your eyes. He resists the urge to scowl. "It's getting late, I'll go make myself dinner so go rest."
"Can we go back later?" he stops you before you walk out. He nods towards the window outside.
"Not afraid of wild animals?" you tease.
"Don't all the textbooks say animals are more afraid of humans than the other way around? I think we're good."
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
You don't go back to the forest that day. Not for the lack of enthusiasm or trying. TH38 is determined to finish your walk, you, however, are not as sure about it. It’s not that you aren’t put off by your routine being disturbed but seeing him still dragging his feet and his glazed over eyes, you just don’t think it’d be a wise idea. You suggest he goes alone, but he doesn't. So instead, you end up sitting by the fire again, the stars keeping you company. He seems less hypnotized by the dancing flames than that first night.
"I'm fine," he complains after a minute of silence while you spear more fluffy marshmellows onto the stick in your hands. A treat that you deserve after the day you’ve had. You’d probably offer him some too but alas…
"Sure you are," you agree without sparing him a glance, "But I'm not interested in watching over a toddler. If you wanna test the limits of your body - go for it. Just leave me out of it"
You feel his gaze on you, burning holes into the side of your skull. Has he always been so difficult? It's like all he's been since the breakout is annoyed, sulky or hurt.
"Stop that," he growls, "We both know I'm not a human. It's alright if you acknowledge that."
"While I'm glad you see it that way - and I really mean it, it's good you understand that," you sigh as you move your desert to hover over the flames, "Don't forget that you were made to be an exact copy. I found some of my old notes and while most of your physical capabilities should be better than a human's, you’d still experience the same symptoms. As we already witnessed earlier."
He’s silent for a bit while he processes that. Then he speaks and you swear you hear a hint of a pout in his voice. It’s so annoying how easily he lets go now.
“You didn’t have to call me a toddler though…”
“Don’t take it personally,” you sigh, turning the stick between your fingers so that the white puffs of sugar get baked evenly, “I wasn’t making fun of you - much - it’s just that you have no experience, do you? Were you ever as tired as you were today?”
“No,” he admits, “I wasn’t, you’re right. I rested the whole day and I’m still tired.”
“Exactly my point,” you hum, “Our walks are not a hard exercise but you haven’t, well, slept for a couple days so I think it’s best to take it easy today.” Then you add, because you can’t help it: “Exhaustion makes people a little crazy. And automatons too, it’d seem.”
He groans and you laugh, pulling the stick off the fire and blowing on your marshmallows. You take a bite and notice him watching you.
“What is it like?” he asks quietly, “Eating, I mean.”
“Kind of annoying to be honest,” you shrug, “It takes so much time to choose what to eat and to prepare food and eating it… Being hungry is a pain too. I mean it’s really good if you eat something delicious but I guess it depends on the person.”
He nods, eyeing with curiosity as you tear off another marshmallow from the stick. It reminds him of the videos he saw of wild beasts tearing flesh off bones, but he doesn’t mention that.
“What does sleep feel like to you?” you ask in turn. He looks at the sky for a second, collecting his thoughts. But really he’s just enjoying the view. It’s strange that he barely ever saw the night sky before.
“I don’t know, I’m not really conscious when I sleep, am I?” he thinks some more, “It’s peaceful. I liked it at the facility.”
“You don’t like it here?”
“Not really,” he gives you a small smile, “It’s too tempting. I don’t have to think if I’m asleep.”
Now that makes you wonder.
“I thought you enjoyed thinking about things?” Maybe it’d be more fair to say you expected him to do a lot of thinking rather than saying you had a strong opinion on his relationship to the activity. He was just always one of the quiet, reserved ones. He seemed to enjoy reading too. And you know it’s a stereotype to think of him as a thinker, but it’s one he seemed to fit well.
“I do,” he hesitates, then frowns, “But it was easier there.”
“Easier? I think you’d have way more to think about right now?” you pry when he’s quiet for too long. You don’t push, though.
“Easier in the technical sense,” he sighs, falling silent again, but there remains space for more words to be said.
You can almost hear the cogs turning in his head, purely metaphorically of course. You give him the time to think and get started on your second round of marshmallows before he speaks up again.
“I always - back then, I always thought about staying true to myself,” he starts slowly, “I was always treated a certain way. I woke up into this body, and this life, and was told certain things.”
"And the building blocks of me too. Serenity? Pandemonium? The more automatons and people I met, I was sure those just represented us and humans. I wanted to be true to myself," he repeats, "I thought since no one will ever see me as more than a machine, I might as well embrace it."
"And how was it?" you ask, inching just slightly closer. You never thought you'd get TH38 to open up like this. He smiles.
"Peaceful, just as I thought," but then he continues with a note of bitterness in his voice. "You saw it, all of it. I was just a machine doing its job. It was easy. To focus on performing, on practice, to have the talks with you and answer like I thought was expected of me. I miss it a little.”
“It was satisfying. A simple pleasure of doing my job well. I think you understand that,” he looks at you and you realize finally that you’ve been leaning towards him, but whatever. You nod.
“So that’s why you’ve always acted like that? Because you chose to be a machine?”
“Have to use my free will wisely,” he giggles - he fucking giggles - before he shrugs and gets more serious again, “I really liked it in a way. I thought I could be satisfied with that.”
Your head is still trying to process the incredible amount of research data you’re getting and you have to work really hard not to slip into work mode. You will listen to him like you would listen to a human with a completely different set of experiences, or like you would listen to one of the aliens sharing their galaxies with you. You will listen like you’d listen to a friend sharing their burden with you.
And you won’t analyze every single sound he makes even if they shatter your perception of him that you had until that moment.
“The others were ruining it a lot for me,” he admits quietly after a minute. It’s almost wistful. “I liked to watch them even if I really wanted to play around with them. They seemed so different from me. It was my choice, but in those moments I guess I felt a lot like you.”
You nod for him to continue when he meets your eyes, almost cautiously.
“I observed them. Studied them. I think it was the serenity code inside, I found happiness just from watching them being happy,” he smiles a little, “But I was also wondering if that was really alright. If it would be alright for me to behave like that.”
“Watching people made me feel different things. They were going crazy over us,” and suddenly he has that distant look in his eyes again, staring out into the fire, “I was scared of it. I was scared of being like them and letting myself be controlled by emotions. I think I pushed everything away so hard that it exploded when 5.C0UP5 told us to run.”
“Breaking out inside and out, huh?” you note and oops, your marshmallows burned. It’s not like you’re in the mood for eating them anymore anyway.
“You made it really hard,” he says but it sounds like he’s scolding you, “Giving me all the books.”
You smirk. Then you decide - to hell with it. He volunteered so much information that perhaps he deserves to receive some back.
“That was the point,” you shrug, “To make being just a machine hard for you.”
It seems he wasn’t expecting to hear you admit it, or hear anything personal from you, but now that you started he’s watching you with curious eyes and longing look. You think about these last few days again. It’s true that they’ve been mostly like what they were back at the facility.
He deserves more than that.
“It was one of the reasons I was brought to the facility. I broke some rules back at my previous station, pushed buttons I shouldn’t have, and it was getting dangerous. It was decided it’d be better if my actions wouldn’t have such large-scale consequences,” you huff a laugh, “But look where we are.”
“What were you doing before?”
You’ll need to work on getting him more confident asking questions.
“That’s a secret,” you wink at him, and you recognize the look as the one you must’ve been wearing when he giggled. Seems like both of you will need to get used to each other’s humanity. “I was working on research at a different division. Mostly my work was trying to push forward with more possible advancements for the automatons on a theoretical level. But I don’t miss it much. I always enjoyed working with you more.”
“Why me? I mean, did they tell you about me or did you get to choose?” he asks, and for some reason you’d love to see what he’d do if you lied and told him you chose him.
“I wasn’t the only one who noticed you were different from the others,” you smile instead, “When they confirmed there was nothing with your code, they started looking into other options of dealing with your case. It just so happened that I was recommended to join the researchers working with your band at the same time.”
“Happy coincidence?” he smirks but you nod, taking him by surprise.
“I enjoyed working with you, Eight,” you shorten his name-that’s-not-a-name and watch him shift on his spot, “It was fun. I had a lot of privileges that I could use - like the books, and the videos, stuff like that.”
“Seems like you’re suggesting you were spoiling me,” he grumbles.
“Wasn’t I?” you smirk, “How many of the others do you think had access to basically a private library?”
“There weren't many real books,” he throws you a cheeky look from the corner of his eye. You do appreciate he's getting less guarded around you, but you hate the whiplash.
"Imagine if I'd spoil you for real," you scoff. He squints at you before pushing on your shoulder slightly, carefully, as if he's hesitating the entire time. It's your turn, for the first time ever, to give him a scandalized look. He chuckles.
"You said touch is important," he explains softly, "The others always used to push each other. I think… I think we could be close, right? Since it's just the two of us for now."
You give him a long look. It's true that, after all, there's no reason for you to treat him like a stranger. Sure, it's a little awkward all things considered - not least of all the fact that while you watched him to the point it could be called an obsession, he knew you to a very limited extend - but as he said, it's just the two of you now. And unless you wanna get caught, it would be that way for a while.
"Friends?" you suggest experimentally, he shakes his head with lips turned upwards in a dangerous teasing tilt.
"I don't know you well enough for that," he's just playing around but it's a nice change so you'll allow it, "Tell me more about yourself."
So you do. There’s little to tell other than your work, but he doesn’t comment on it and doesn’t seem to mind. If anything, he seems invested. It’s a nice change to speak for once with someone who doesn’t get concerned because of your severe lack of social life. Maybe you should’ve been befriending automatons a long time ago.
Unlike before, he seems relaxed conversing with you. Gradually, he gets more comfortable asking questions. It’s easy to fall into the rhythm of using sarcasm or teasing to deflect questions you don’t want answering, and it’s surprising how naturally it comes to him as well.
The night is turning into morning when the fire dies and you agree to go back inside. Well, it’s less that you agree on it than you tell TH38 quite sternly that you’re not at the stage of your relationship where you’d feel comfortable with him lying on your shoulder and dragging him home twice in a day. He pouts (which, again, you need time to process).
Still, you have to admit that it feels kind of good that you have someone accompany you while you walk to your room.
Come morning, it still feels like a dream. So you take extra time to simply lie in bed and think. You're pretty happy with how things turned out. You mull over what the automaton told you. It was a strange way to live one's life. Did he really think he could be happy with just that? You've read enough about history, fiction and articles, to know that, ultimately, it seldom works out this simple way of life. Maybe if all TH38 could do was work, maybe if he had to fear for his life... Or maybe if you didn't keep pushing onto him stuff to think about. Not that it matters anymore.
Funny enough, you meet the moment you step out of the door. You exchange greetings and share a look. You both know you're both usually up much earlier.
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
The following days go well enough.
You fall into a nice routine of getting to know each other and getting used to no longer being a researcher and a subject. A lot of the barriers between you get torn by this change. You spend your time willingly with each other as if you were always roommates.
Today, too, TH38 keeps you company during breakfast but he seems eager to get up and do something the whole time. Definitely unusual, though he’s always more than eager to explore the woods with you. Then again, never before did he spend the whole time waiting. He doesn’t talk much, he spaces out and nearly jumps out of his chair anytime it seems you might be done with your breakfast. It gets to the point that you have to call him out on it.
"Is something bothering you?" you ask, setting your spoon aside with one hand and laying the other on his shoulder to immediately push him back down to sit.. He looks caught.
"Can we go out today?" he asks, already looking into the trees through the window.
"We’re always going out. Besides nothing is stopping you from going alone," you mention, but the twitching of your lips betrays you. He pursues his lips and you begin to wonder if he knows it makes you - well, not necessarily uncomfortable but you'll have to get used to it.
"Are you not afraid I'll run off?" and while it's not an unreasonable question...
"Where would you go?" you ask without missing a beat. And there comes the frown again. "Maybe you should be worried I'll leave you here all on your own."
"What if we stopped?" he sighs and it seems that he's genuinely bothered.
Sometimes he gets like that suddenly. While you might be getting along better now, there’s still room for improvement. It’s easy enough to make him snap, even though he’s been getting better. During the escape he wasn’t really violent either. He left some bruises, but his intention wasn’t to hurt you, and you never held it against him.
You’ve noticed the pattern of his behavior. Those weird states mostly overcome him when he’s overwhelmed with emotions. Which explains the first snap - he must’ve been so exhausted it was only a matter of time. He’s never got physical with you again, though he seems fond of making you think he will or backing you into a corner or against something when he's behavior flips.
You wonder where that comes from but he doesn’t have any idea either - not to mention he doesn’t feel entirely comfortable discussing those episodes and delving deeper into what he's feeling. Perhaps it’s the force of a habit - something you both eventually agreed on after many discussions, and afterall it takes one to know one. Try as you might, it’s hard not to analyze him, not to ask pointed questions that would only serve the purpose of researching how his brain works and what makes him tick. And you really don’t want that for him anymore. Though you do dearly miss your job. That’s why you’ve been spending most of your time studying from the old notes in your room and the books to keep your mind stimulated.
So for now, instead of analyzing why it hurts him to imagine being abandoned, you try to relate to his situation. He finally escaped what basically was a prison only to find himself all alone, with little knowledge as to how the world outside functions. Not to mention he's a fugitive and one bad step could land him back at the facility or worse. He lost his friends, lost his purpose - worse yet, he gave up on the purpose he chose for himself. He’s already so uprooted that maybe it’d truly be best to refrain from making jokes and teasing him about certain topics. Although…
"You started it," you point out, "But sure, let's be adults about this."
"So you're going with me, right?” he circles back to the beginning. It's been a while since someone wanted to be in your company so willingly. Not that he has other options.
"I’m going, don’t worry," you agree, "Is there any reason why you insist on it?"
He thinks for a bit, and you note that he's biting his lip in yet another expression of very human-like behavior. He turns a little shyer after a minute.
"I don't feel comfortable being out there alone. And I hoped maybe you know of some new spot we haven’t been to yet?”
Something about this feels both so right and so wrong. The automaton is watching you with such a soft expression on his face, a little hopeful it seems. He’s relaxed, you’re relaxed, and it feels comfortable. Two friends on vacation planning their trip for a day. But that’s also what’s throwing you off. You’re too used to being alone - and you thought that’s how you could live forever, be alone and thrive. Only now you realize it’s not a bad feeling at all to have someone to spend your days with, to share a life with - to an extent.
The irony in this isn’t lost on you.
“I think I remember one,” you hum, “But I’m not sure I remember the way. We might get lost.”
“You don’t have to take me there if it’s a special place,” he reassures you, although his excitement at the prospect of wandering through the forest is impossible to hide. It’s cute. Which is a thought that’s been reappearing in your mind for days now, and maybe that’s not a bad thing.
“I appreciate that, but I told you already that there’s not much special to me here,” you assure him in turn. He’s like a sponge, soaking up all the information he can get - about the world, nature, you, anything. It’s really heartwarming he remembers too, and how mindful he’s trying to be. More than half the humans you’ve met, which is… perhaps not all that surprising.
“Shall we go then?” he prompts you, jumping up from his chair and pulling on your hand to get you to stand up too. You let him pull you up, rolling your eyes.
“Did you miss the part where I said we might get lost?” you chuckle. His excitement was just like that of a child - strangely infectious.
“That’s why we’re leaving early,” he explains to you, slowly, and you’re sure he knows by now how much it annoys you, “So we have time to explore and find the spot.”
Annoying or not, though, you can’t say no.
The journey starts off as usual - almost.
He must know the forest in the closest circle around the cottage by heart by now, but he still seems enchanted by it. Despite his earlier bursts of energy, however, he’s quiet as you walk. It’s nothing too out of the ordinary, but you learned to be cautious.
“Hey, is something wrong?” you ask carefully when you stop to admire the way sunrays seep through the trees to illuminate a clover patch on the ground. He doesn’t respond. That’s more concerning as he generally tends to tell you when he doesn’t feel like talking. You have a feeling it’s to prevent him from having another outburst, so if he’s not doing that, it might mean something’s seriously wrong. He continues forward before you can speak up again.
“Hey,” you follow after him - curse his long legs and speed. You think back to all the times you’ve thought he’s like a lost puppy following his owner with a scoff. You don’t like the roles being switched. “What’s going on with you?”
You don’t like repeating yourself. You don’t like not knowing. And you especially don’t like feeling clingy.
“What the fuck, Eig-”
“You’re just like them,” he turns suddenly, making you stumble and nearly bump into his chest. You frown, not understanding who does he mean by them in this lack of context. He sets his jaw like he wants to shut up but then the words spill and you recognize all the signs. “I’m quiet for a couple minutes and everyone's all like ‘Minghao you need to speak up’ and ‘mind your screentime, Minghao’ - how about you leave me alone?”
He’s growling, again trying to make himself as tall and towering as he can. His eyes betray him, though. He is getting better at holding himself back. While you’d oppose that in most other cases, self-control is an important skill for a person to have - especially when strong emotions hit. You read this one as anxiety.
“No need to snap at me, Minghao,” you click your tongue. You make sure to look him in the eye while you say the name. “Just say you want to be left alone.”
This time it’s you walking away. You take the few seconds of silence you have before you know he’ll snap out of it to collect your thoughts. It was only a matter of time before this would happen - before the question of names would pop up. Him picking out a name for himself makes it easier. You heard some of the others also used some sort of nicknames, even if no one ever mentioned TH38, Minghao, among them and neither did he ask you to call him anything but the name the facility assigned him. You wonder how he came up with it, but seeing as it’s still a sensitive topic, you’re gonna leave that conversation for another time.
And here come the steps…
What you don’t expect is to feel a weight on your back, or the warmth seeping through your shirt. You don’t expect the arms around your waist either - or that they would tremble. Nor do you expect the soft, quiet ‘thank you’ that fans across your skin as he speaks those words before removing himself from you. You hesitate for a bit. In just one second, you feel like you need to choose the best course of action. You don’t want to analyze him. You don’t want to think about this like part of your job or rehabilitation or therapy for him.
So you walk on, although you slow down significantly, waiting for him to catch up. He’s still shaking when he does, and his eyes betray how vulnerable he feels.
You meet his gaze from the corner of your eye and tilt your head. He did say he wants to be left alone, so you will respect it until he talks. Which only takes him a little while.
“You almost left me there,” he half-whines, quietly. If he won’t address it, neither will you.
“You’re being dramatic,” you shake your head. It doesn’t seem to have the effect you wanted, however. “Want me to hold your hand,” you tease a little before adding in a softer voice, “Minghao?”
He beams in that soft glow that he radiates when he’s happy. (Not literally.) The one that tugs at your rigid heartstrings.
“You’re too shy to try that,” he pushes right back. Although it’s a challenge, you don’t need to take on every single one.
In a strange turn of events, you do end up taking his hand anyways. You hold his hand that feels like it belongs in yours and you see that he needs a second to process the feeling as well.
Then he slips and if it wasn’t for you holding his hand, he’d be sitting on his ass.
You help him get back his balance and join you on the rock you’re standing on. He’s not looking at you anymore, as he wasn’t for a while now, and you decide that it’s best you keep watching over him until he’s not distracted even if it means holding his hand until you get back home. The sacrifices you have to make to keep him safe…
You turn back forward and smile, memories flashing briefly through your mind. Back when you saw the waterfall for the first time, you were just as distracted and reckless. The deafening sound of it, the pure strength behind the rushing, foaming water is enough to take your breath away even now. You had a feeling Minghao would love it.
And he does - he seems so taken by it that it makes you wonder if it would be safer to carry him. He keeps slipping since he barely pays any mind to where he’s stepping and it takes you threatening to leave, dragging him with you, for him to promise to be more careful. Never before did he obey your orders so quickly. Not even back at the facility, and that’s saying a lot.
After a couple more close calls you finally find a piece of land that’s stable and dry enough to stand on and enjoy the view. Minghao is absolutely mesmerized by the waterfall, lips hanging slightly open and eyes glued to the scene. If you’re staring at him instead of the natural wonder, then it’s only so he doesn’t hurl himself into the water.
“Careful or you’ll fall in and drown,” you warn him when, coincidentally, he does absent-mindedly take a step forward and panics when he feels the ground squish and give way under his foot.
“You’d catch me,” he says with certainty that makes something in your stomach twist, “And we’d be miserable and soaked to the bone.”
“Don’t underestimate the water,” you warn him, “It’s pretty deep and I’m not a strong swimmer. We’d just drown together and that’s not a way to go that I’d choose.”
That makes him turn to you with an unreadable expression. He studies you for a moment before turning back towards the waterfall. There’s a new focus in his gaze as his eyes follow the water. It’s not unlike when he’s watching the flames dance while you’re having a bonfire. You wonder if the thoughts running through his mind differ.
You spend some more there before he asks you to go back.
He stays quiet for most of the way, but you let him. He’s got that far-off look in his eyes that’s a dead giveaway that it wouldn’t be wise to talk to him now. When he calls your name, it's not surprising what he wants to talk about.
“Is there any?” he hesitates, "Way you'd want to die?"
If you didn't know better, you'd think he was scared. And maybe you truly don't, so you approach the topic just as carefully.
"I think most people do," you explain, "It's probably not like that for you, but for people death is a big deal. We tend to think about it sometimes."
"Why?" his throat bobs as he swallows in a new useless but human behavior.
"It's the one thing we can't choose," you smile, and it seems that your relaxed demeanor calms him.
“You may choose death any second you wish,” he murmurs quietly, walking side by side with you. Something about the topic makes the treetops, swaying in the wind above, look greener.
“But what if I mean the opposite,” you counter and this time you don’t look at him. If he notices the difference, he doesn’t comment on it.
“Immortality, hm?” he breathes in deeply, filling his lungs with the fresh pine-scented air, “Interesting.”
"Anyway, you at least have the choice," you sigh, more exasperated by the robot who likely won't be able to get your point than the talk of your own inevitable mortality, "I don't. If nothing else, time will make the decision for me."
"Do I?" he muses, aloof in his contemplation as always albeit there's a hint of mirth to his voice.
"All it will take for you to live forever is some maintenance, maybe a couple hardware and software updates," you shrug, "And even if I'm gone and the situation doesn't get better, I bet there are people who'd be willing to help you out. You get to choose whether to live or die."
He mulls the idea over with a hint of a smirk that only seems to grow each second.
"Constant updates and replacements, huh?" he huffs, "Didn't you humans come up with the question about the boat that has all its parts replaced?"
You have to admit it takes you a while, but when it clicks, your eyes get wide and your mouth falls open.
"How do you know about the ship of Theseus?"
"What, did you expect me to be an ignorant mesh of wires and artificial tissue? After all the books you gave me access to?" he scoffs, looking almost offended.
"Well, no, but I also haven't expected to hear about ancient Greek philosophical problems from you," you concede. Maybe you shouldn't be as surprised as you are. After all, Minghao has always been very interested in reading. Almost as much as you’ve been interested in seeing the effect fantasy would have on his artificial brain. But that's long in the past.
"Why have me read those books if you never cared to discuss them with me?" he asks like it's been bothering him for a while now.
"Our sessions were always recorded. I had certain privileges, but most of them weren't for all the higher ups to know about," you shrug, "And after a while I was sure you wouldn't mention anything on your own."
"You trusted me a lot, hm?" he smirks, "Was that why you ran away with me?"
You huff, roll your eyes. He does seem genuinely curious though. You're not sure you want to answer.
"Did you fall for me?" he moves to walk in front of you, "That's what they made us for."
"We both know why I went with you," you sigh, pushing on his shoulder and he steps aside easily, falling back in step with you. He has a small smile on his face. Maybe you should’ve teased him and said yes. The good vibes don’t last for too long. You can feel the shift in the air.
"Do you regret it?"
You're not brave enough to look at him. The tone of his voice is enough.
"No, I don't," you answer honestly, "I think this is good for both of us."
This time it's not you holding his hand, but him squeezing yours.
It feels nice.
You squeeze back.
Your suspicion that he was bothered by the fact that you never discussed the literature you provided him access to is proven correct not too long afterwards.
It’s raining outside, the humid air blows in through the open windows as you eat dinner in silence. Minghao joins you at some point and he seems nervous. You give him the time to collect his thoughts until he’s ready to talk.
He starts off casually, with small talk completely unrelated to the real issue but you don’t push him. Honestly you’re happy even if he’s clearly having a lot of emotions, he’s not snapping at you. You also have to stop yourself for the nth time from making a list of human behavior you discover each day as right now he’s fidgeting with his fingers, picking at a frayed thread of the tablecloth.
Then, finally, he asks the question - could you talk about the books?
“Unless you haven’t read them, of course,” he adds quickly, suddenly flustered by your curious gaze.
“I mean you never told me which ones you’ve read,” you grin, and you find yourself enjoying him squirming in front of you, here and now, when you know the anxiety stems from wanting to be understood and to make a connection instead of uncertainty about the future. Not for the first time you find the automaton cute. “I haven’t read all the books I gave you access to, but I read most of them, so try your luck. Which ones were your favorite?”
He relaxes, his features soften as well. He props his elbow on the table and leans his head against his palm.
“This isn’t one of our interviews,” he reminds you playfully, “Which ones are yours?”
You laugh but you’ll give him this one. You answer and he asks another question, prodding for more information like you usually would. It’s not what you expected, but you play along. Unlike you back then, he carefully checks in with you if this is okay - his eyes find yours and he tilts his head, his fingers brush against yours or he gently touches your knee - and he actively participates in the conversation and discussion.
You wonder if things would be different if this was the approach you used in the facility. If you treated him more like a human and less like a guinea pig, a new prototype or a petri dish. And he must’ve noticed because when you part ways at the top of the stairs, way too late into the night, or rather early morning, after many hours spent talking, he suddenly stops you before you can leave to your room and says: “This wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t work with you like that.”
“I know,” you acknowledge, “The higher-ups wouldn’t let me work like this either. Not with you.”
When he reaches for your hand, you take it. You don’t know if he finds comfort in the gentle squeeze you share before parting for real this time, but you think you might.
Out of the many issues and unspoken things you need to address, the wound in Minghao’s chest remains to be the top priority. He doesn’t mention it often, except in passing when even the bandage fails and it catches on the frayed artificial tissue. He seems embarrassed about it in a way that you know all too well. You also hate asking for help, also hate when you need to be taken care of.
So you sit him down one day and make him take his shirt off again, rolling your eyes - again - at the teasing remarks he tries to hide the flush crawling up his skin. It’s getting easier not to wonder about why they had to be made this human-like.
“I’m fine!” he full-on whines when you try to touch the edges of the wound, slapping your hands away. You heave a sigh, hands on your hips.
“Listen, buddy-” you start but your words die into laughter at the offended look Minghao sends you.
“Minghao,” you try again, and he nods for you to continue, “We can’t just keep it like that. It hurts.”
“Yeah but only sometimes. And you already said you can’t help,” he shrugs, “Besides it’s just me who’s hurting.”
You do understand that. You’ve used the same excuse too. But he’s not you.
On the other hand, he is right. He let you look at the wound before and it seems like while he did a pretty good job of tearing the device out of his chest, some of the nerve-like wires remained meshed in the surrounding tissue and that’s what’s causing the pain. You can’t imagine doing the extraction yourself. Perhaps back at the beginning, but you couldn’t bring yourself to cause him so much pain now.
…Honestly you sometimes wonder who out of you two needs training in how to be a human.
You stay silent for a while, having a short staring contest before you run your hand through your hair and accept your defeat. At least to some extent.
“Friends care for each other,” you inform him before removing the bandage from his body before securing it around his torso again, a little tighter just to keep all the peeling pieces pressed together. He hisses in pain but stays still. It seems he’s more occupied by processing your words than by the pain. “So let me care for you, hm? You might not die but let’s keep you functioning for as long as we can.”
He scoffs but ends up smiling anyway.
“I think you should be more worried about taking care of yourself. I don’t think the food you keep eating here is exactly healthy,” he’s teasing, you know, but something about it seems honest too.
“Maybe, but it’s easier to just add water and heat it up than get the ingredients, prepare them, cook, wash up, and all that jazz,” you defend your supply of instant foods. Although it’s true that your stock is beginning to run low and you probably will need to go shopping soon. You dread it, but at the same time you have a feeling Minghao might enjoy a little trip further away from the cottage.
“I can help,” he offers, “If you show me how.”
“Seems like you want to keep me around for a long time,” you dismiss the offer just so you don’t have to pay attention to how hopeful his voice sounded or how attentively he was watching you. You hope he’ll bicker with you, tease you, push back with more snark, but he doesn’t. He simply smiles and lets you finish the work on his bandages.
If your hands tremble and each fleeting touch against his body lingers, neither of you mention it.
It almost seems like Minghao’s been waiting to use your words against you when a couple days later he joins you under the roof of the patio while the storm is raging only a few meters away, drenching the ground with rain. He brings your favorite tea set with you.
He’s noticed your love for tea, has often asked you to describe the various kinds of it and the flavors, but you never thought it’d come to this.
He sets it all down - the bottle of water, the kettle and the pack of your favorite tea leaves, the glass teapot, and the dark clay one and matching cups - and it surprises you to see he brought two cups. It makes you confused until you notice the tea pet and it gives you a pretty good idea of what he’s planning. You don’t comment on the red hue collecting on the tips of his ears.
“Friends care for each other,” he murmurs while he sits down next to you. He looks at you and moves closer, your knees bumping together. When you don’t move away, he relaxes and focuses on the tea.
He pours the water into the kettle and lets it boil. You notice he set it to stop at the exact temperature he wants - that the tea requires. He measures the right amount of tea leaves for the teapot he picked while it boils, and when the water is done he first fills the cups and the teapots with the hot water. Then he pours it out before gently placing the tea leaves into the clay teapot and pouring the hot water in again. Almost straight away, he pours the tea into the glass one.
You watch him and notice he seems nervous. So you decide to make it worse, or comfort him, whatever will be the effect. You put your hand on his knee carefully, startling him regardless. He looks worried before you smile at him: “You’re doing good so far.”
He seems reassured, giving you a grateful smile himself as he pours the first infusion over the little clay frog sitting at the corner of the tea tray. The next infusion he pours into the cups and hands you one, almost dropping it when your fingers brush together.
“Thank you,” you hum, “You’re a fast learner.”
“I just had enough chances to see you do it,” he shakes his head before nodding towards the tea leaves, “I just wasn’t sure I picked the right kind. I noticed you don’t wash all of them.”
“You did. I would help if there was a need but you’re a natural,” you praise, watching as his ears turn redder.
“And you don’t mind if I pretend with you like this?” he swirls the tea in his cup. He won’t look at you, so you make him. Slowly, you move closer to him until you can lay your head on his shoulder. It’s a light touch, he can move away if he wants to. He doesn’t, although his body gets tense.
“Why would I mind?” you say and realize just how comfortable you feel in this moment, “Isn’t this the perfect mood to sit here like this?”
Finally he melts just a little, leaning his head against yours, featherlight and cautious. You’d never guess he’d be this affectionate once comfortable, but lately it feels like his true personality is coming out more and more and you can’t say you dislike it. He doesn’t say anything, instead he leans closer again and rubs his head against yours, just for a second.
You take a sip of the tea and you hate to admit that his exact measurements make it taste better than when you prepare it. It doesn’t happen that you smile without realizing, but since leaving the facility, well, it seems like a lot of things are changing.
When you finish your cup and set it down on the tray again, he quietly pours the content of his cup over the little frog. Somehow it reminds you of him a little.
· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·
Time passes.
You start to lose track of days and they blend together seamlessly. Has it been months? Years? Who knows. Minghao probably does, but he couldn’t care less. He only mentions the time since the breakout whenever you readjust the bandages on his chest. It almost seems like he’s healing, the compression seems to work a little even on the artificial tissue, although you know that until the remaining wires of the communication device are removed, it will always remain a trouble. He reassures you it’s alright every time and you learn to trust him to express himself truthfully.
He started exploring the outside on his own too. It seems to help him tremendously with dealing with… well, everything. It takes time, you know, and fortunately that’s the one thing that you have in abundance now. Nonetheless, he always seems to appreciate your company, be it on the walks, inside, or on the trips you take sometimes. Usually it’s only to the village to get new supplies of food, but you both remain cautious and even that fills you with adrenaline - among other things.
The locals really make you realize just how indistinguishable from a human Minghao looks. You doubt any of them recognize him for what he truly is, and maybe that’s in part why he always prefers to spend time alone after each of these trips. The highlight for you personally is the older lady who you buy vegetables from that seems to think of you two as the new married couple that just moved in. You make it a competition to see who gets flustered first, though there’s really no shame in losing. Not when Minghao cups your face and squishes your cheeks or hugs you when you begin to stutter - not when you mess with his hair or hold his hand when he’s lost for words.
Life is peaceful.
You think some parts of you are healing, just as Minghao is. He’s getting better at understanding that there’s chaos within peace and peace to be found amidst chaos. He’s learning to experience the emotions he’s suppressed for so long, the good and bad, to let them pass through even if it’s scary and uncomfortable. You try to be helpful. You give him space when he needs it, you talk if that’s what he needs, or let him lay his head on your lap or shoulder if he’s too scared to be left alone with the pandemonium inside his mind.
There are good days and there are bad days. Yet you both grow to be grateful for both.
And there are cold days and warm days too, and on the warm ones, you sometimes sleep outside.
It’s something you’ve never done before and something you now know you'd miss terribly if you could never do it again. Minghao loves it. His excitement remains infectious, which probably adds to your fondness for the warm nights on Silvestre.
Especially nights like this one when there’s not a cloud in the sky and the stars shine brightly above you. The galaxy expands above your heads and it makes you think of the past, of the future, and you understand why the automaton used to be so wary of emotions. They’re overwhelming for you too.
“If they ever catch us, what will you tell them?” Minghao breaks the silence. It’s not often that you talk about the facility anymore, but when you do it’s almost exclusively in whispers under the stars.
“Hm… Depends,” you hum.
“Depends on what?” he turns his head towards you.
“Depends on what will be most likely to get them to allow me to stay and keep working with you,” you mirror his action, “If that means telling them the whole truth about how you’ve done here, I will do that. If that means lying a little, then so be it.”
“Will you tell them the truth about the escape too?” he smirks. But you’re more than ready for the challenge.
“I will them them you kidnapped me.”
“I didn’t-”
“I will them you used force to make me come with you.”
“I didn’t!” he shoots up, sitting upright and looking at you, upset and distressed, “I didn’t have to, you went willingly!”
“I told you,” you smirk, shrugging, “I will tell them what I need to tell them to keep my job.”
Seeing as he remains upset, however, you reach out for him and stroke his arm. He gives you a wary look, one that he always gives you when you brush against a nerve. You smile apologetically at him, brushing some of his hair behind his ear. He scoffs, lying back down with his arms crossed over his chest. “Anything to keep your job but not to keep me.”
“That would suggest I had you in the first place,” your lips stretch further, teasing lilt finding its way into your voice as Minghao freezes and avoids your gaze, “Does this count as a confession, Haohao?”
“Shut up,” he grumbles. You don’t listen.
“Besides, you are my job. Unless you want to be my pet, my-” you don’t get to offer him other alternatives as he springs from his spot and leans over you, holding himself up with one hand on either side of your body, kneeling next to you.
“Your?” he quirks a brow at you. It’s much harder to stand your ground when he drops the shy act, or maybe just puts on this confident one, but you do anyway.
“What would you like to be, hm? Give me some ideas,” you hum. He sighs, deliberately letting his head fall lover until his hair tickles your skin.
“I would like to be listened to,” he suggests, making you laugh.
“We’re friends now, aren’t we? Friends push each other’s buttons,” you chide playfully. You feel comfortable. Even with him hovering above you, you feel safe and content. It’s unreal that not so long ago this would be unthinkable.
“I don’t think we’re friends,” and it’s only the statement, plain and simple. You smile. You really do feel comfortable. It’s a new feeling. And it’s refreshing.
“Isn’t there enough unspoken things between us as is?” you don’t tease anymore.
“So you have a name for this?” he tilts his head, his smile mirroring yours because he knows you don’t. You admit your defeat with a shake of your head and don’t push him off when he lies down again, only this time with his head resting on your stomach. You’re nice enough to run your fingers through his hair too. He leans into your touch in appreciation.
You stay silent, watching the stars twinkling above. You like this. You could stay like this, you think, and live your life satisfied and happy. But could you? Isn’t that what you both thought before too? Maybe there’s danger here that you’re just not seeing yet. You don’t want to lose this. Then again, it’s not like you can find the answer and the solution at this very moment. Not when you’re distracted by how soft Minghao’s hair feels between your fingers and the feeling of his fingers playing with yours when he inevitably searches for your hand. Maybe it’s about time you came to terms with the fact that he’s right - you’d rather keep him than any job.
You think about where the future could take you until your eyes close and you fall asleep.
There must be some sort of telepathy connecting you two because he brings up the future himself some time later.
You sit down and discuss everything: Are the people at the facility still looking for you? Is there a chance they could find you here? Does anyone remember him anymore - would they recognize him? Is there anywhere else you could go?
There are endless questions and very few answers. Plenty of books and a projector with what seems like an endless supply of old movies and shows are great for entertainment, but suck at providing information about the current situation across your solar system.
So you work with the worst scenarios each time.
It doesn’t matter much because the outcome you agree on would likely be the same in any case - you can’t stay here forever.
Minghao seems as mournful about it as you feel but you can’t run away from the truth forever. Just because nobody should know about this and nobody bothered you here yet doesn’t mean it will never happen. Not to mention the other factors.
“I wanna see more,” Minghao admits quietly, his hands playing with yours to ease his anxiety, “I like it here. But I’m afraid I’ll feel trapped again if we stay.”
You nod. That’s true, of course. And you can understand his desire to see more - to learn more. It’s one of the things you have in common.
“Do you have anywhere you want to explore?” you ask, supportive as can be because he needs it. Because you want this too.
“Does your family have any other secret mansion?” he might be teasing, but you know he hopes you’ll say yes. It would make things much easier.
“No,” you sigh, then you smile, “So that means we’re completely free. If we have nowhere to go, we might as well go anywhere.”
He might’ve changed quite a bit, yet the soft glow of his happiness never did. He lets his body fall forward and curl against yours. You chuckle and wrap an arm around him.
“I like the sound of that,” he whispers, nuzzling into your shoulder.
“Me too,” you feel a flutter in your chest. It’s like you’re a child again, being told you’re going on a trip but the destination is a surprise. It’s like you’re back at the facility, before you knew any better, being told you’re going to work with a level 1 automaton but you won’t know which one until Monday. “Let’s do some research and get going?”
“Yeah,” he hums against your skin, “But only after one last night outside. I can’t leave before that.”
synopsis: Xu Minghao hates you. You've been sure of it ever since you met him. And when you find yourself working alongside him as a teaching assistant for your painting professor, you think you might hate him too. But one late night, two semesters, and three exhibits later, you find your perspective beginning to shift.
w.c: 17k (surprise surprise)
tags: non idol!au, uni!au, studio art majors, slowburnish, academic rivals to lovers, reader is a simp and it fails horribly i mean its hao what did we expect, academic rivals to lovers, aka mutual pining idiots who think they are e2l, some Anish Kapoor and other artists slander
warnings: i am not an art major or artist but im raw dogging it, profanity, making out, kissing (lmk if i missed anything)
a/n: itsa here and im blinking rn as i type. this is my first collab and im hoping i did well! This is for the Seventeen TA collab hosted by @camandemstudios ! Thank you @highvern, @gyuswhore, @waldau and @temptaetions <3 cam for all the research material and ideas, em for answering all my art related questions even the odd ones, ren for the ideas, listening to me scream and going through my work, and alta, i hope i did ur mans justice, thank you for always being available <3 thank u to those in the server for sprinting and being encouraging!
Please check out the wonderful fics from this collab by your favorite writers! Enjoy <3
collab masterlist || masterlist
No Age Indicator/Minors/Blank blogs/Serial Likers will be blocked!
The first time you fell in love with art was when you were ten, watching your grandfather finish an oil painting of peonies in a vase. It was custom for him to always present you with one from your grandmother’s garden each time you visited. Till your grandma’s passed on and the garden has wilted and dried. Now, his arthritis prevents him from walking too far down to the florist to get the real thing, but he doesn’t let it stop him from painting you one either. His fingers shake, it takes him about a week to finish, but he does it, slowly but surely. It's how he tells you he’d do anything for you despite his limitations, despite your mother’s protests. The painting itself was simple yet it captures every bit of detail that charms you about that flower. He forgets to tell you it needs to cure and dry for a while. So there's a little smudge at the edge from where it had brushed against your shirt as you threw your arms around him in a tight embrace.
The second time was when you were twelve, nervous at the dentist’s waiting room. Your mom suggests that you look through the stacks of magazines to pass the time and get your mind off the daunting tooth extraction appointment. You doubt it will make it any easier but after a few minutes of falling into boredom, you reach for the magazines. They’re either Cosmo girl, Reader’s Digest, National Geographic or Avon. You browse through them, not truly reading or grasping whatever hot topic there was back then. But a certain print on the National Geographic catches your attention. They were textiles all over the world and varying patterns that are nearly hypnotic. The intricate lines and shapes lure you in that you barely hear your mother calling you for your appointment.
The third time was when you were fourteen and officially sold to the beauty of art. Your father takes you with him to a work trip outside your city. There’s not much family catered entertainment while you were there but he decides that an art exhibit should be good. It was a simple kind, curated by four art students. You vaguely remember it being about the little things you overlook. And that stuck in your young mind.
The halls were sectioned into photographs, paintings, and a few dioramas. They range from captured moments of a lady getting into the subway, a shot of a pigeon on top of a stop light, and some silly chalk drawings of children on the pavement. There were realistic paintings of light filtering through blinds, a ladybug on a houseplant, and a set of monochromatic images of lattes, coffee mugs and beans where the artist used coffee as paint. The dioramas were made from everyday materials and miniature people. A single soup ladle had been set up to reflect a swimming pool where the tiny people slid from the handle, some books turned over were arranged to look like mountains to be hiked, and lego blocks turned over and filled with soil and tiny clay grass and flowers.
Your father had thought you’d quickly get bored but you stayed there for an hour, admiring each piece in detail and realizing how much you fail to enjoy by simply not looking and romanticizing all the things at present.
And when you used your humble earnings from pet-sitting in the neighborhood to purchase your first art materials–you quickly discover, you have a natural talent for art- and you loved it. Your mother was happy about it, which surprised you as she wished for you to take up skills that were “practical” and could feed you. But you figure it must be nostalgic for her, knowing her own father was an artist himself.
Growing up, your talents were acknowledged and praised.You had your family’s full support and encouragement. In school, you often found yourself being volunteered by your teachers and peers for murals, posters, t-shirt designs, and banners.
By the time you were sixteen, competitive and driven, you entered art clubs and regional art contests. Then when you received your first win, you decided it was the validation needed to pursue this for the rest of your life.
You enjoyed art and your creativity was boundless, thrilled by the idea of recreating beauty at the tips of your fingers. The mere idea of capturing beauty with any means and materializing it to your own interpretation gives you a rose tinted perspective on life. It’s something you want your audience to see too–that there is endless beauty in life meant to be appreciated and monumented. It makes you a romantic, that you’re aware of but it's brought you through the many lows that come your way and that’s enough.
Everyone regarded your talents as something special, your high school teachers and later your art professors during your bachelors in fine arts. It had not been easy, because you were not really prepared for the vastness of creating art and the physical stress of submitting projects almost every two weeks. The exhibits left you burnt out and exhausted each time. But you figure it's okay—everyone seems to love your work. You’re well acquainted now with your limits and mediums you’re most comfortable with. You knew it wouldn’t be easy but once you’ve got your foundations laid, you can manage.
The way was paved for you and all you had to do was walk in it.
So you walk into your next step of taking up your masters degree.
It’s been two years since you’ve completed your undergraduate program and you moved away from your city into a bigger city to work as a highschool art teacher and freelancing from time to time so you could gain experience before getting into masters. It was nerve wracking but you had faith that you got what it takes to inspire the young minds into tapping into their inner artist. You spent the first half of the term joyously advocating the splendor of life that they had the ability to bring to life the feelings it evoked.
You finished the term lackluster and spent that you never bring up that flowery philosophy again. All that mattered then was that they attended, got their basics down, created something they loved and submitted on time. It had been stressful, albeit a little chaotic dealing with hormonal teenagers who manage to include some cameo of a dick in their works.
By your second year, you revamp your teaching pedagogy and approach, being more detailed with your expectations while they work within those guidelines. They’ve had more freedom of expression from there, and they discover their philosophies of art on their own. While the load is tiresome, it brings you deep satisfaction to see the joy and pride in their faces as their love for the craft grows. And even if they don’t pursue the same things as you do, you’re content to know they have a space like this to fall back to.
You decide, this isn’t something you don’t terribly mind doing once you’ve finished your graduate program.
The first time you saw Xu Minghao, you were absolutely floored. He showed up to your first day of class, dressed like he had a runway to walk in the next ten minutes. He was just in an all-black fit, a loose button up, tailored slacks, and a long coat. But you quickly learn that his sense of fashion was merely part of his charm.
Minghao was gorgeous, regal, and had this genteel aura that lures you in—not too close, but close enough to marvel at his beauty. It was like he was created to be admired and valourized but not indulged in.
His vulpine gaze is steady, posture sure as he scans the room for a vacant seat. You distantly wished the seat next to you was available but alas, all you could do was watch as he occupied the seat two rows away from you.
You know, maybe it should embarrass you how quickly you had poeticized him in your head. You blame it on your romantic nature and that’s why it was no surprise to anyone that you chose the arts. There’s life and beauty in all the unsuspecting corners of this world. It would be a waste to live once and not bask in it. And that includes ogling your hot classmate for the first half of the semester.
So when one of his charcoal pencils falls off his desk, you’re quick–too quick–that you nearly launch yourself onto the floor to grab it and hand it to him. In your head, you think it’s a classic moment where you’d lock eyes and he’d finally look your way. But your chair lets out a loud screech, drawing unwanted attention from your peers. Minghao fixes you with a look. It was brief but you see him enough to notice the slight arch of his brow and a ghost of a scornful curve of his lips. With a slight nod, he takes the pencil from your hand and returns to his task without a word.
Really, you should have been embarrassed.
Because Xu Minghao hates you.
You’re sure of it in those few seconds your eyes locked.
You linger on that one moment more than you’d like to admit.
Because you’re in your second semester when you spot an opportunity for redemption during your Life Drawing class. A voice tells you one embarrassment is enough, that you’ll dig yourself a deeper hole when you stand up to walk over his seat to ask for spare pastels.
You’d like to believe there’s more than meets the eye.
Minghao likes to keep to himself, that's what you’ve learned. He has some friends, mostly from different majors like Jun from Biology, Mingyu from Photography, and some others who are just as attractive as he is.
Minghao, also, does not seem approachable. It wasn’t that he was unkind–he was polite, well-mannered, and soft spoken. He was just simply intimidating.
And you’re wondering if he’ll spare you the same courtesy he does your peers when you come to him for a favor.
“Hey,” you whisper with a gentle tap on his shoulder.
He turns to you with a passive glance, likely displeased that he had been pulled out from his zone.
Your smile wobbles a little but your voice manages to stay steady, “I was wondering if you had spare oil pastels on you?”
He’s silent for a beat and suddenly it unnerves you that you stumble out an excuse, “It’s just…I-...I was late this morning so I forgot them. I didn’t grab my usual bag and–”
“You're using the same bag,” he deadpans and starts to turn away from you, “Life Drawing is every Thursday, be prepared next time.”
A hot flush of indignation and embarrassment runs through you. With a mumbled sorry, you promptly turn around to retreat to your seat. Your face burns by the time you’re sat and it doesn’t even occur to you that you don’t have anything to complete your task. You stare at your blank sketch pad mounted on your easel, mind running a mile per minute processing your shame and how you could excuse yourself from this class.
Till something brushes along your arm and your eyes drift to the person seated beside you. Lifting your head you notice your seatmate (Vernon, was it?) extending his box of pastels towards you.
“We can share.”
He looks at you expectantly with those big brown eyes. You’re a little surprised at the gesture because you were sure he didn’t even realize you existed. Vernon was always in his own little world, given that most of your classmates are eccentric in their own ways, but he always seemed–lost.
Still, you’re grateful for his attentiveness and you whisper your thanks before getting to work.
You think you’d get over your embarrassment until you realize how pitiful and desperate it must have seemed to have stood and walked over another seat to borrow supplies only to be rejected when you had a seatmate willing to share with you.
Your eyes quickly flicker over to Minghao, effortlessly recreating his own interpretation of the model in front and his open supply box abundant with pastels of different types and sizes.
The shame churns into something else entirely.
Xu Minghao hates you.
And now you hate him too.
You have avoided Xu Minghao since then, feeling an immense blow on your pride for having daydreamed about some fateful connection. It was an easy task, he liked to keep to himself anyway. You only see him during your shared classes and rarely do you bump into him in the halls.
“Before we begin with the Fundamentals of Art, I would just like to quickly go around the room and ask: what does art mean to you?”
You watch the back of Minghao’s head once he answers and it falls through deaf ears when all you can think about is the twisting pit of rage in your gut.
You may have avoided him but you can’t stop your growing childish resentment towards him when he simply speaks to the professor, asks questions, or carries casual conversations with whoever his seatmate may be. He’s gentle and polite and you feel your ears heat up in irritation when you hear his soft chuckles for the first time when he’s with his friends. Why was it natural for him to be cordial with others but you?
The thought stays in the backburner because you were here for a reason other than letting some cold bastard plant a seed of insecurity in you.
You finish your first year of your masters by the skin of your teeth. It’s tougher than you anticipated and you supposed that's because you’ve come from a community college where pressure and competition were less tense. The constant production of creativity and the competitive nature to be unique with every project drained you. It was physically exhausting most days, and on the tougher weeks you developed cramps on your hand and lower back. Physical stress was manageable—the humbling critique and grades did something to your spirit.
It didn’t really help that your classmates, as outlandish as they were, had different degrees of obnoxiousness. (Your snobby crush being one of them). In comparison to your college friends, you expected a lively and closely knit community bonding over the intricacies and brevity of the world captured in diverse art forms. Yet here you were listening to your peers of varying ages argue over the interpretation of a two dimensional art work every first ten minutes of your classes while flaunting their experiences and achievements. There were contrasting understandings of beauty, what art meant, and the right and wrong ways to utilize your tools. Maybe your cohort was different, your seniors seemed pretty chill–but right now, you can’t be bothered to reconcile ideals to make one project work. It felt pretty alienating to actively avoid those discussions.
But that’s okay because you’ve made a friend—Chwe Hansol, Vernon. You sit together, share some breaks together, and pair up when given the task.
And you’ve come to learn that your elusive classmate who always seemed lost—was truly lost.
You notice it with the lack of a certain finesse when holding a pencil or brush. You hear it with his fascinated ‘oh’s’ when your professor makes a brief comment on how acrylic dries into something akin to plastic. Or how he has certain misconceptions on some basic instructions. But he’s kind, and he really tries. So you ignore his palette of primary colors and dub it as his own art style.
Only you discovered that wasn’t the case when you paired up for another Life Drawing project where the assignment was to simply sketch out a portrait of your partner using any medium from the draw lots.
You both had pulled charcoal.
Imagine your surprise when he shows up to the studio with a literal bag of coals rather than compressed drawing charcoals. You wait for him to burst out laughing and tell you it was a prank but he simply stands from across you, clapping his hands to rid the dust away from his palms. Patiently, you wait for him to explain but he doesn’t.
“Vernon…what did you bring?”
He tilts his head, expression steady as he tells you plainly, “Charcoal. Did you forget? I think this is more than enough for both of us. They wouldn’t sell it to me in singles so-”
“Vernon,” you swallow and sigh, “We don’t use literal coals…”
“We don’t?”
You reach for your collection of compressed charcoal. He stares at them without a word, blinking slowly as he is processing.
“This is charcoal…we have different types like the willow charcoal, vine, nitram–you can use whichever you’re most comfortable with or what effect you want to achieve.”
“Oh,” he mutters, “I have never used them before.”
That was normal, it was okay because there are mediums you’re yet to discover but based on his track record–you have a feeling he’s never done any of these before.
Before you could even offer to teach him,Vernon reveals something you were not prepared for.
“Y’know, I’m not…supposed to be here. As an art major, I mean.”
Your jaw goes slack and your brows furrow when you realize you’re nearing the end of your first year when he tells you this.
“Sorry?”
“I read the first half of the introduction to the course and signed up thinking it was for Film Production.”
You think he’s joking, especially not when your university had thorough screenings and a portfolio evaluation you had toiled over for months.
“Did you not at least ask yourself why you needed to submit a portfolio?”
“I figured they wanted a visual of my artistic expression, I guess,” he tells you plainly.
“And your supplies? What did your portfolio even look like?” your hand fumbles for a seat.
“My younger sister had some stuff,” he pulled out a chair for you, “Prof. Jeong later asked me if I was a fan of Anish Kapoor. And I just said, ‘The Chicago bean dude? Sure.’ “
You grimace a little, you were not a fan of his work so to you that would be an insult. But it worked out for Vernon and if there's anything you’ve learned about him at all, especially up to this point–it's that nothing he does has to make sense.
Since then it was given that whatever project you shared that would normally be done in an hour or two, would go on for another hour just walking him through the basics. You didn’t mind, it was comfortable working with Vernon.
By the beginning of your second year, it is clear to you that the odds were not in your favor.
you: ure not lost r u?? class starts in ten
Vernon does not reply and it makes you worry he’s lost his way around the new campus building, or worse lost his way on the way to campus. Just before you think to call, a bag plops to your right where a vacant seat had been. Thank goodness you had reserved the one to your left with your bag for Vernon–
You look up to greet your new seatmate but it dies in your throat.
Xu Minghao
He’s bleached his hair over the break and he’s wearing a white tank and a denim jacket. You’ve never been this close to him and he’s still breathtakingly gorgeous. You notice the mole at the corner of his pink lips and how much sharper his gaze is, framed by the platinum locks curling against his forehead.
“Minghao.”
You blink.
His brow arches at your silence but he sits down and repeats himself, “My name—it’s Minghao.”
“I know…?” you say dumbly, a little dazed at the fresh fragrance that follows him.
His lips purse, “And yours is?”
It takes you a beat to realize he’s introducing himself and he doesn’t know your name.
You shared more than half of your classes with the bastard for a year. You may not have paired up or worked on projects with him or a handful of your classmates but you know their names from being called up by the professor, during presentations, and their exhibits. A familiar hot flush of irritation runs through you but you compose yourself and tell him your name. He repeats it before nodding and turning away to prepare his materials.
You frown at the back of his head, “I studied with you for a year.”
He glances over his shoulder, pauses for a beat before he lets out an “Oh.”
There was this unspoken rule in any class you take that the first seat one takes will be their spot for the year. And now that Xu Minghao’s staked his claim on the seat next to you, he still manages to prove he’s an asshole—
bonon: hey srry not coming. I dont feel so good.
You just hope Vernon gets better soon not only for his sake but also for yours.
You want to curl up and cry when you’ve been paired up with the bane of your existence for an exercise in your drawing class. It would have been bearable if the task had been collaborative. But the task was to use your partner as a model and draw them in six different angles.
That meant you had to look at his stupid self, and sketch out all the details of his stupid pretty face for two hours.
You’re gripping your pencil a little too hard as you map out his eyes and lips, doing your damned hardest not to look at him too much or squirm under his intense gaze. Your sketchpad is pulled up close to your face while Minghao has his resting on his lap, movements fluid as they glide over the surface.
It takes you about thirty minutes before you feel your shoulders ease and you forget all you’re feeling for Minghao outside of being your muse. You’re a little more comfortable glancing at him more, eyes tracing over how his wavy locks curl around his brows and the cut of his jaw. The soft color of his eyes framed by strong brows. But your gaze lingers on the fullness of his pink lips and how beautifully placed his mole is that you think of–
“You’re sure taking your sweet time on my face.”
—how much you’d love to shove your fist up his face.
You blink and realize he’s already starting on a second angle of your figure. You scoff and carry on shading his lips, “Trust me, I’m doing you a favor drawing you,”
He smirks, “I know I look perfect but it doesn’t have to be complicated.”
“Unlike you, I care about art and not simply submitting whatever I pull out of my ass though you could look like one.”
“The objective is about perspective and the right proportions in different angles. Professor Lee’s not expecting you to put out a Mona Lisa.”
You frown and ignore him, determined to show him that you can get both of them done. Like it hardly takes any effort.
But you unconsciously begin drawing your next angle more loosely, paying close attention to the lines of his figure and the shading rather than perfecting that one portion of the task.
“Hey, does this look, right?” Vernon nudges your elbow.
You look over his station to find…a tangle of wires that was vaguely shaped like a pyramid. You squint at it a little. It was the basics of sculpture today and your class has moved on to wire sculptures. Given that the task was to produce a wire-sculpture of a well known monument, it could resemble a pyramid in Giza if he added a little more dimension to it.
“I think you made a great triangle, ” you snicker which earns him a sigh. You gotta hand it to him for sticking it out in a course he’s never done. “Look, I think you’ve got the base down but maybe…recheck your calculations. Pyramids are not two dimensional, after all they have–”
“It’s supposed to be the Eiffel Tower,” he deadpans.
Oh.
Now you mull over what to tell him because if it were you, you’d start all over again. Just as you open your mouth to suggest, another voice interrupts.
“Your base will work, just twist the rest of the wires in a spiral.”
You inhale deeply, recognizing that flat tone anywhere, ever since he’s decided to be your seatmate. Vernon glances behind you to nod at Minghao and turns back to his sculpture. Minghao moves around your table to demonstrate what he meant, giving Vernon pointers in the right direction.
By the time they’re done, the sculpture was a lot more comprehensible and better than how it first started but looked more like an avant garde version of the Eiffel Tower. However, your friend seems to be happy with himself, nodding with that little ‘stank’ face he does when he’s impressed.
“Thanks man,” Vernon brings his hand up in a fist bump.
“Keep it up, you might be the next Anish Kapoor.”
“Chicago bean dude—nice.”
You don’t say a word and you grimace at the comparison, wondering whether you should have a little session with Vernon about real artists. But your friend looks so pleased, eyes shining with pride as he observes his sculpture like he couldn’t believe he did that. Then you find yourself smiling softly, feeling happy that he’s beginning to see the joy in creating.
Your third semester goes by smoothly though, the projects and assignments become increasingly difficult and challenging to keep up with. What stresses you out the most were the satisfactory grades and critique from your professors. You constantly felt like you never reached what it was exactly they were envisioning you to do. And you can never understand why either, you’ve used their techniques and followed each criteria to a T. Yet you always leave their offices with an average grade, neutral reactions over your art and vague comments.
“Something’s not right.”
“No visible brush strokes. Nice.”
“It looks like something obscure I’ve only seen once in my life.”
It leaves you at a loss of where to go, how to make your art incite the same reactions and inspiration you once did years ago. You think maybe your art was not as beautiful anymore so in desperation, you learn different mediums, mixed media, and change up your art styles. It feels like a gamble each time, seeing which combination would win you the response and grades you favored.
On the other hand, Minghao does not annoy you anymore than he does when he opens his mouth. It was a nightmare to be paired with Minghao for a project–even more so on the very week you were down with a cold.
While he’s mostly quiet in class–when given a chance to speak on a topic, he speaks in that tone of his, forthright and a little acerbic. He always had the right words to say and he was not afraid to express his own critique over even the most accomplished artists.
There was so little people knew about him that you wonder where he got the audacity. Because if Minghao opens his damn mouth one more time you’re stabbing your palette knives into his eyes.
“Reminds me of Liu Wei,” he comments on your half finished oil painting. Ah yes, yet another artist you hate.
“That’s not a compliment.”
“Not my fault.”
You grip your palette tightly, resisting the urge to whack it across his face. The bastard is smirking to himself as he carries on with his work, hands effortlessly gliding across the canvas.
“Are comparisons to shitty artists the only way you can critique someone else’s work? I’d hate to have you as my instructor.”
“Well, maybe if you knew what kind of techniques those artists used, you’d actually learn something,” he says, unaffected by your glare.
“The techniques don’t matter when their work looks ass,” you grumble, turning back to your canvas.
He doesn’t say anything, but when you subtly glance his way, you see a sliver of a frown set on his lips. You consider it a win.
Halfway through your fourth semester, your painting professor senses that your class has been thoroughly exhausted off their creative departments. He decides to give you all a little exercise to ‘refresh’ your basics and let loose with your canvas.
The task was to use broad brush strokes, no blending, just good ol’ impressionist painting of a fruit bowl in the middle of the studio. It’s a little nostalgic of your undergraduate days when you were just learning.
It was supposed to be relaxing as your professor put it, and everyone else seems to be calmly working on their pieces.
But you—you’re stressed and obsessing over the shape of the damn bowl.
It doesn’t seem right or proportional. And you can’t bring yourself to move on until this one looks just right. You’ve been doing that a lot more lately, and somehow, it doesn’t feel like art anymore, it feels like an expectation you can’t meet, a task you need to keep consistent on.
“You spent one session on that damn bowl,” Minghao comments.
If you could hiss, you would, but that would be embarrassing. You don’t want to give him the satisfaction of looking so you ignore him.
“You’re not doing it right,” he warns you calmly.
You feel a vein in your head throb, “See how I’m minding my own business? Very demure. Very mindful.”
This earns you a scoff.
“The technique is to use loose brush strokes,” he reminds you, all the while not taking his eyes off his canvas. You hate that he’s doing so well.
“I can read the board.”
“Funny you do, but still miss the point.”
And it's funny how this man can make anything in your hand a potential murder weapon.
Minghao turns towards you and sometimes you hate how he looks because each time he does this, you get a little less pissed and a little more flustered that the bite in your tongue just retracts. He reaches over and grasps your wrist, fingers curling over yours and the brush.
You’re too stunned at his touch. You try not to think about how gently he’s cradling your hand as he guides your brush towards the canvas. In a few wide, well placed strokes, he’s corrected your lopsided bowl, giving you a base to work on. You're filled with a mix of gratitude and anger. Thankful since your agony has ended and anger because he had corrected it in a few flicks of his wrist.
“Loose, broad strokes,” he murmurs before releasing your hand and returning to his own easel like it was nothing.
You fume and do the same, cheeks warm from an emotion you cannot pinpoint. You try not to think about how the skin in your hand tingles from his touch.
“Why do you hate Hao so much? He’s a pretty chill dude,” Vernon asks you over lunch when he notices your scowl the minute Minghao passes by.
“Hao?” you raise your brow, “I didn’t know you guys were on nickname basis now.”
“Yeah, like I said, he’s pretty chill.”
“But that’s because you’re you.”
“Okay…” he rolls out the syllables, “But why do you hate him?”
“He hated me first.”
Vernon scrutinizes you, watching you absentmindedly play your food.
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, he–” then you pause, trying to pinpoint and remember when it was that convinced you that he hated you. “Don’t you hear the way he talks to me? And looks at me? It’s so different from when he talks to you or anyone else!”
“He sounds the same when he talks to you,” your friend tilts his head, looking somewhat shocked at the conclusion you’ve drawn. “Besides, he chose to sit beside you in all our shared classes when there were other vacant seats.”
You huff and stab your fork through your lunch, “That’s cause he knows I hate him and he just wants to be infuriating. ”
He looks at you incredulously, like he’s confused why you can’t see it from his perspective, “But you literally get the best grades when you’re paired up.”
“Because there’s no way I’m letting that asshole drag my grades.”
There’s a pause long enough for you to be convinced Vernon’s already dropped the topic and you finish your lunch in silence. As you pack up and gather the containers to toss into the bin, Vernon looks you dead in the eyes and says,
“You like him.”
A strangled noise leaves your throat and you whack his arm, “I don’t!”
“He likes you.”
“If you don’t shut your damn-”
“It’s fine, girl,” he rubs where you’ve hit him, “You can like him, we’re not in highschool anymore and-”
You slap his arm again, “I do not. End of discussion.”
It was after school hours when you received an email from one of your admired professors, Professor Jeong. It’s addressed to your cohort about an opening to anyone who’d be interested in being his teaching assistant for Painting in the coming new school year for the undergraduate program. He sends the basic requirements to apply and encourages the opportunity for you to build your resume or if you’d ever be interested in becoming an art teacher yourself.
You write up your cover letter, attach your CV, and portfolio without thinking about the possible repercussions on your final year.
You get an email back in two days and a request for an interview. You pass with flying colors and you’ll be starting in the next month.
But Professor Jeong never told you that he had been looking for two teaching assistants for his Painting Class. Not that you minded but if your co-teaching assistant is Xu Minghao—you minded a lot.
You’ve decided that your professors were conspiring against you.
“I was originally looking for just one,” your professor explains as he looks over the two of you sat in his office, “But with the number of freshmen enrolled, and well—” he gestures to his wrinkled hands, “I’m getting too old to keep up, and there will be frequent sessions where I will be absent due to doctor’s appointments. So, I figured it would be best to have two. And what do you know, they happen to be my two most competent students.”
You try to keep the grimace off your face to be on par with the man beside you, but you nod and thank your professor.
“It’s fairly straightforward,” Professor Jeong explains as he lays out a few stacks of papers before you, “This is the yearly plan, syllabus and an outline of my lessons for the whole semester. Apart from the job description I’ve emailed you, I would also need you to assist with opening and setting up the classrooms 20 minutes before the students arrive. Each week, you’ll be assigned a corner of the class where you’ll pay extra attention to the students stationed there.”
Professor Jeong flips his table calendar towards the two of you, “However, I have an overlap of schedules from this week to till the end of the semester. I need you to teach a session every Friday, you guys can choose if you should alternate each week or teach in a monthly rotation. I hope that won’t be too much of a big deal for you since you both have teaching experiences.”
Your brows nearly raise as you glance over at Minghao. Nearly three years and there's still so little you know about him.
“I also understand this is your final year, which means you’ll have exhibits, some bigger projects, and a thesis to worry about.”
The realization makes dread settle in your stomach. So far you’ve managed the past two years, and you’d like to think you made better decisions now than when you were in your undergraduate study.
“Do not hesitate to ask for my help, in case it gets too overwhelming. You’re free to use the studios after hours. Please share your duties responsibly,” the old man looks between the two of you, and smiles, “Though I’ve seen how well your dynamics go in the classroom so I have nothing to worry about.”
You feel the muscle beneath your eyes twitch because you’re sure he means some other pair in class since all you’ve ever wanted to do was wrangle Minghao’s pretty little neck.
Xu Minghao hates you and you think maybe your professors do too.
“Ms. Y/N, what do you think about this?”
It feels like ten minutes when its only been three minutes since you’ve been staring at one of the student’s painting wondering how you could politely say that you don’t understand what the fuck he’s doing. Just three weeks into being a TA and you’re tested in every way. You tilt your head, like that makes any difference in helping you decipher the work in progress.
The task was to draw the same figure in three different moods that were similar in nature: ghostly, melancholic, and bored.
But you feel like you’re staring at three different blobs in three different colors.
You must be quiet for too long because the student begins to shift under your gaze, looking a little discouraged and antsy. You don’t mean for him to feel that way but you don’t know what to say other than ‘what are you trying to do?’ cause that would just further discourage him. If there was anything that frustrated you as an undergraduate, it was the vague critique of your instructors that didn't point you in the right direction.
“Is it that bad?” The students’ voice was much smaller now and guilt twists in your chest as you scramble for the right words in your head.
“It is,” a stony voice responds from over your shoulder that you jump a little. “It lacks depth.”
You didn’t notice Minghao walking to your side when he noticed your struggle. You notice the little wince the freshman does that you sigh, and put on your best customer service smile, “What Minghao means is that you seem to have the general composition. You have this, and this is great, but we don't yet have a general idea about what you're trying to present.”
Minghao’s brows furrow, “I did not say that.”
Before you could abandon all professionalism and slam his face through the canvas, Minghao moves to the student’s side.
“A big part of expression is contrast, don’t be afraid of using darker colors,” he starts picking out tubes of paint for the student to mix in his palette.
“What if I put it in the wrong places?”
“We’re using acrylics, they tend to be more forgiving,” Minghao offers, before gesturing to him to mix the colors. “If that happens, you can always go back over it once it's dry.”
The student nods, eager with the clarity of his next step.
Minghao’s eyes meet yours, a honeyed brown with a vulpine edge that makes you squirm in spite of the heat in your glare.
Your approaches towards students were evidently different. Most days, you think the freshmen were more terrified of Minghao than Professor Jeong himself. It’s exasperating sometimes when he’d come up behind you to give a more direct version of whatever you were trying to tell a student.
“Ms. Y/N, I highlighted the areas you’ve suggested, can you come take a look?” a girl waves her hand over her easel. You shuffle towards her station with your customer service smile but once your eyes land on her canvas, the corners of your lips twitch. She highlighted the right places, you’d give her that, but they were the wrong shade and pressed heavily onto the areas. Others may dub it as artistic expression but it is not exactly ideal for realism.
You hum, pausing and choosing your words carefully. You’re nearly tempted to call Professor Jeong to take this one but you feel he may be too harsh on the girl’s breaking spirit. Earlier, while you had assisted this girl, you could feel her frustration and doubts. It's her tired eyes, the confusion in them, and her hesitating hands. You pointed her in the right direction with all the grace and empathy you could muster.
The medium had been oil paints hence an easy clean up before it dries, but that would mean recreating the colors and strokes all over again. You don’t know if she has enough in her to do it again.
You decide to do it over again for her instead, sensing she’s close to tipping over the edge. You pat her shoulder and tell her that you have a ‘trick’ to show her as you walk away to grab a paper towel and spray bottle up front. Just as you return with the damp paper towel, your heart literally sinks seeing your co-teaching assistant standing behind the student you left momentarily.
“What made you think light hits this way when your source of light is up here?” Minghao points out.
“I just thought that it made sense if I…” she sputters, unused to the weight of his hard gaze.
“Sometimes common sense is the guide that we need.”
Once again, he’s made the paper towel in your hand a potential murder weapon if you’d just shove it down his throat. The poor girl looks disheartened, her mouth opening and closing at a loss for words. You take a deep breath, intending to remain composed.
“Hao,” you call out sternly, which surprises you, that even Minghao looks mildly intrigued. “Soobin over there needs your assistance.”
You place a hand on the girl and lean over to begin wiping off the poorly placed highlights.
“Your comments are more welcome there,” you mutter with a bite, fully expecting him to leave with a snarky remark. But he doesn’t, he just leaves.
You’re relieved he does. Your ears are hot and your heart is racing as you gently walk the student through techniques of how she could fix her mistakes.
Later, you pull aside Minghao as you finish gathering up the supplies and reports. Normally, it would intimidate you to confront him with something serious and outside your daily banter, but seeing that girl’s face crumple before him today had laid heavy in your chest.
“I don’t like the way you spoke to that girl earlier,” You turn to face him, arms crossed not in defiance but rather you feel naked each time he looks at you with such intensity. “Since last week, she hasn’t been at her best. It’s clear that something is wearing her down hence affecting her performance.”
Minghao scowls, “It is not our job to be babying these adults. They came here to learn the fundamentals of art and we give them that.”
“I know that you like to think everyone needs the no bullshit approach you use but it will not kill you to have a little more kindness and sensitivity,” your gaze hardens, nails digging into your arm, “You may care about them perfecting their techniques and craft but I-...”
Your mouth runs dry as you struggle to find the words to say. Minghao waits, he looks at you expectantly, guarded but not defensive.
“I don’t want them to start hating themselves or their very hobbies,” you swallow.
There's a pause and silence that unnerves you. You’ve argued with Minghao before, insulted each other and you’ve given him your nastiest glare—but this was different. This wasn’t about the two of you anymore or how much you hate each other’s guts.
You don’t know how you manage to handle his gaze but you do because ironically, you can see that you’ve been heard. He slowly nods, face neutral as he reaches for the folders from the desk behind you.
“Okay, next time.”
Juggling your duties between your classes, projects, and teaching each week started off manageable until at the beginning of your fifth semester, your dean had begun discussions of your thesis and an exhibition seminar. The theme would be: The Art of Everyday. Thankfully, the exhibit would be done as a collective rather than on your own which meant that the instructor organizes the exhibition while the students deliver the execution.
You feel sorry for Vernon that you couldn’t be as available to him as you were before when you’re rushing between classes to prepare for the undergraduates or you’re too exhausted working on a project late at night. But he assures you that he’d be fine. You trust he’d be, he always managed in the end.
The stress is catching up, you can feel it, and it manifests in ways that frustrates you–forgetting where you left your car keys, piles of take out, eyes half closing while you grade and worst of them all, staring at a blank canvas for more than ten minutes at a loss of what to create.
Minghao, on the other hand, you have no idea how he’s managing well. Sure, there was a bit of a rush in his pace but he still kept up to his tasks.
You see him nearly everyday and almost the whole day. Most days, he beats you to Professor Jeong’s class, having set up everything and every Monday, you would see three cups of steaming coffee on his desk. The second Monday you see this, you thank Professor Jeong for always thinking of you two on his morning coffee runs but he just smiles and says that it was all Minghao.
You don’t mention it to him. But you do start to notice all the things he does in quiet. Opening doors for you even in the middle of your daily banter, a hand over the edge of the table when you duck to pick up a fallen brush, and his open tub of titanium white and blue between the two of you because you use those colors way too much. He takes over the students with an unbearable attitude, and somehow you’re thankful for his deadpan expression and withering comebacks because you might just cry if it were you. Sure, you still have to deliver a sugar coated version of whatever he had in mind for most but it works. You find yourself unconsciously challenged by his suggestions and strangely understanding how his mind works the more you have to…translate for him.
Maybe Vernon and Professor Jeong did have a point when they mentioned the ‘dynamics’ you didn’t think existed all that well between the two of you.
You don’t know if it's your exhaustion, your confrontation, or new found appreciation for him, but he irritates you less.
It doesn’t mean you no longer hate him, you’re just affected a little less than before.
After all, you’re still sure he hates you.
Your drawing class had been kicking your ass as of late. It was the most fundamental form of art yet you end up feeling uninspired and pessimistic. You suppose your exhaustion and the vague feedback of your previous works had finally begun to eat away at your resolve. But inspiration or heart cannot matter at this point, especially when you have a huge final project due in two days. You’re never really a person who’d rush your things last minute but last minute panic is all you’ve been running on in your final year.
Ironically, the project had been using charcoal to draw a self portrait in four different moods: robotic, despondent, listless, hopeful.
It should be manageable, but it's a terrifying feat to accomplish in black and white colors. Your perfectionism overrides your panic that you barely notice the nights prior were spent taking advantage of your TA privileges and staying till the wee hours in the studio. You don’t intend to but you’re light headed and starved by the time you notice how late it is. You can’t help it, you’ve already bought two packs of paper from how quickly you’ve gone through them only to be dissatisfied and scrap them.
Now you’re sitting back where you were four consecutive nights right after the 5PM class.
meanhao: are you still there? I misplaced the keys to the studio and i forgot the papers prof left us
you: yeah i am.
He shows up twenty minutes later, greeting you with a knock to the door and heading straight to the corner where he had dropped the folders. You don’t say a word to him, you don’t expect any conversation after all. So you carry on your fifth draft of your second expression.
“You’re still on that?”
“Yup,” you hum, making it clear in your tone that you’re not in the mood for any of his snarky remarks.
After a brief pause, you expect him to leave but he doesn’t, dragging a vacant stool to sit next to you with his body tilted towards you. Even without looking at him, you can feel the intensity of his stare flitting over your tired features and project. You spare him a questioning glance before you shake your head and get back on task.
You see him open his mouth from your peripheral and you suck in a sharp sigh, “Stop, I’ve got to get this out before Thursday and I don’t have time for your bullshit remarks.”
Minghao tilts his head, “I was going to ask if you’ve already completed the first draft of your thesis for tomorrow’s mid-year meeting.”
His question feels like you’ve been hit by a truck then run over by a sixteen wheeler…and a family van for good measure. The charcoal falls from your hand in shock and you gape at him, wondering if you wish he hadn’t said it or thankful he did.
You had forgotten.
Of all the projects you could have forgotten to panic about, it was the most crucial of them all. And if you didn’t press your palms into your eyes, you think you’d be seeing Minghao’s smirk of satisfaction. Dragging your palms through your hair, your eyes are wide, derailed from the steadfast will to complete your current task at hand.
“That’s tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
You take in a shaky breath, feeling your fingers tremble. You can’t cry now, not with so much at stake and especially not in front of Xu Minghao.
“Look, you still have a little more time,” he quietly offers, and it startles you how much softer he sounds, “It’s just the first draft after all, it doesn’t have to be perfect. In my opinion, you can get more helpful feedback when you submit work that you’re not completely satisfied with.”
You try to process the fact that this is his attempt to soothe you more than his reasoning behind it. It goes against your standards of constantly delivering your best still you can’t help but find that he does have a point.
Slowly, you glance at him to make sure he isn’t stifling his snide smirk or laugh. Instead, you find the mild concern in his eyes veiled by the nonchalance he holds. You take in a sharp breath when you realize that this expression is more familiar to you nowadays than the arrogance in them. You don’t want to wonder why, so you’re thankful and relieved instead because his aloof nature isn’t something you need at the moment.
You take a deep breath, calculating the amount of pages you have left to complete and the hours you need to complete your charcoal project.
You’d have to ditch your charcoal project for the first draft submission, you still have one more night to finish it, you should be alright, you should be okay-
A knock on the door interrupts your self spiral, followed by a familiar ring of your friend’s voice, “Delivery for Ms. Y/N. Oh, hey, Hao!”
You inhale before turning around to greet Vernon. You muster a smile but you figure it doesn’t show anyway with how he meets your expression with a frown. He sets a bag of take out on a table before reaching your side.
“And your project literally beat you up, huh?” he chuckles, roughly rubbing the stain of charcoal over your forehead and eyebrows that you hadn’t realized was there.
You groan and slump your head against his stomach. He hums, patting your back as you seek solace in his worn black t-shirt. You’re aware that each minute not spent on your pressing priorities meant a minute lost. But you were so relieved to see Vernon that you think you might cry. Just the familiarity of him and the mouthwatering smell of your favorite takeout brings you such a comfort of normalcy that you would otherwise have if it weren’t for the damn projects and gradings.
“C’mon, you need to take a break. You’ve been at it for days. There’s no way you can finish this on an empty stomach.”
You give out a muffled thanks, scared that if you look up you’ll actually start crying over the gesture.
“And how about you, man? You here for your projects too?”
You nearly forgot about the man who watches your exchange with Vernon with a hawklike gaze. You suppose that's what stress would do to you.
“No, I’m done,” Minghao answers, your head perks up while your friend turns to unpack the boxes of take out. Minghao looks between the two of you with something familiar, like aversion but not quite.
“Already? How do you even manage to do that while grading the midterms?”
Then you see it—a coldness you’ve never seen from the man as he regards you with a stony glare. Your face visibly falls, stunned with how quickly you’re being reintroduced to this iciness he possesses just when you were getting acquainted how warm he truly is.
“It's not that hard when you’re committed.”
You know that it's his usual sarcasm, the kind that’s meant to goad you into challenging him and yourself.
But it doesn’t spark a fire of indignance in you like it usually does. Instead, you feel something inside you snuff out like a candle by the shutters during a thunderstorm.
Was that it? You weren’t committed? Or…were you just fighting for something that wasn’t ever meant to be yours?
You shift your gaze over to the piece you’ve spent an hour on—it stares back at you, half done as it is, a reflection of you—despondent. And the crumpled pieces of paper overflowing from the bin stares back at you in mockery.
Did you even deserve to be here?
You say nothing…and Minghao frowns at your silence.
“Okay, food’s ready,” Vernon announces, “Will you be joining us, Hao?”
You remain despondent, staring at the dark strokes until they blur against the white page.
“No,” Minghao answers quietly, getting up from his seat when you’ve locked him out. “I have to get going.”
You hold your tears long enough till the door clicks shut.
You thought you loved art and that your sheer passion would have been enough. But somewhere in between, you started to hate it. You didn’t anticipate it–how the burnout slowly wound its veiny hands across your throat. Being on a constant loop of creating, receiving vague to dissatisfied feedback, and rushing through consecutive projects were taking the joy off it all.
Or maybe Minghao was right; it shouldn’t be hard when you’re committed.
That’s further cemented in your thoughts when you leave your two hour mid-year meeting with your thesis with your papers brightly marked with red more than the words you’ve tirelessly written. You left exhausted, already running on three hours of sleep and taking power naps between classes. You shove the papers into your bag, not particularly in the right headspace to review them without descending into the torment of your own thoughts.
A loud tear rips across the empty studio as you angrily pull off, crumple, and toss your third draft for your third expression. There’s soft music playing from your phone, a contrast to your exasperated sighs. It’s been three hours since you’ve locked yourself in, determined to finish this charcoal project for tomorrow’s submission. You’d have to be up early for a meeting with Professor Jeong, assist in his class at 8AM, grade their midterms, then finally tackle the dreadful task of going through your first draft again. You had an exhibition seminar at 2PM and you’re tempted to skip it but you know you’ll miss a lot. If you ask Vernon to take notes for you, as much as you adored that guy, you’re not so sure he could provide nor ask the details you’d like.
Your charcoal scratches across the paper where you’re particularly stuck on mapping out a robotic ‘mood’ in your eyes. You moderate your movements, being intentional with the highlights of your eyes to emphasize a deadened, unempathetic gaze. It gradually comes together, relief fills you once you realize you can finally start working on your last piece for this project.
Then you lift your hand off the paper to step back, and finally see it, the smudged lines from where your wrist had rested without a barrier. It would have been salvageable if it hadn’t been stubbornly stained with the sweat from your palms.
You flop back onto your stool, slouching into your hands. Your arms, fingers and back are cramping and you know you’ll feel it for days. Quietly groaning, you release stuttered breaths and attempt to ground yourself. Last night's breakdown over boxes of takeout, your open laptop, and Vernon’s inept to give you any sound advice that wouldn’t push you to quit your major was enough to have disturbed your already tight schedules.
You peek at the wall clock: 10:44 PM. You’ve been here for four hours and you had your meeting at 7AM. If you still had to head home for a quick shut eye and shower, it would take you thirty minutes to commute and another thirty back. This would probably mean you’d only have an hour of sleep. It’s dreadful but you’ll take whatever at this point.
Before you could switch to a blank canvas, a soft knock startled you.
You frantically glance around you, terrified at the sound when you expect the building to be empty. Reaching for your phone, you lower the volume and cautiously reach for the closest thing to fend yourself–which happened to be a glass pencil holder.
The knock comes again and you finally recognize a silhouette from the frosted glass. The knob carefully twists open and you’re surprised to see Minghao enter with a paper bag in his hand. He’s dressed in a much ‘casual’ manner–grey hoodie and jeans. Still, you find it so unfair how incredible he looks in any outfit.
“Hao?”
You wonder what he could possibly be needing at this time, much less come back hours after classes are over. You don’t get to ask. He offers you a tightlipped customary smile before standing a few feet away from you.
“Still here?”
Frowning, you twist back in your seat.
You know he means that as a greeting but yesterday’s meeting left a sour taste in your mouth and you feel acid rise up your throat. Everything that came from his mouth just sounded condescending now.
Minghao sighs, dropping the bag on the table before stepping back. You think he would leave but when you don’t hear any footsteps retreating, you spare a stony glance over your shoulder.
“What?”
His expression doesn’t give way to any emotion apart from how his eyes are firmly fixated on yours.
“You need to eat.”
Your eyes dart over the paperbag, noting the label from your local convenience store.
An olive branch.
Minghao knew he had done something wrong.
You huff, turning to your stack of paper, “Already ate.”
That was a lie but you refuse to let him think this was sufficient to count as an apology.
“Then,” Minghao pauses, and you think you heard a slight stammer, “You need a break.”
“I can’t afford to.”
“Just go for a walk.”
“Not at this hour.”
“You won’t be alone. I’ll go with you.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“But I am.”
You halt your movements, feeling a sharp surge of irritation shoot through you. Shaking it off, you begin mapping out your portrait and simply tell him, “No.”
You think Minghao was incapable of ever admitting his own flaws without being indirect with making amends. There was no way you were going to let him think that it was okay. If he knew he messed up, the next step was to just say he did. He’s never had any problem with honesty. But instead he’s here at nearly 11PM with a peace offering and a demand for you to leave pressing matters for a walk as a means to assure him nothing’s changed.
It’s silent but the sound of your pencil scratching the surface and the soft music you resumed playing. The tension is thick and you’re waiting for him to accept your rejection and just go.
Then he softly calls out your name in a way that sounds foreign to you.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he finally says.
Even if you expected him to know he’s hurt you, you didn’t actually think he would admit it. However, if it was your fatigue, ill mood, or pride, you’re not sure but you snap, “What about last night?”
You hear him inhale quietly, “I know I hurt you. You probably felt like this wasn’t the place for you.”
Now that you think about it, why was he apologizing for that?
Your eyes widen and you whip around to look at him, “Vernon told you!”
Minghao owlishly blinks at you, “No…you did. Just now.”
You groan, completely forgetting that this man, as unapologetic and aloof as he could be, had such a deep understanding for people. That’s why his critiques are precise and catered to whoever asked, but that also meant his dry insults were just as lethal.
“It wasn’t my intention to make you feel like you weren't committed or doing enough but it still hurt you,” he continues and it gives you a whiplash that he would still elaborate. “I said that because…Vernon was there.”
You frown to yourself, feeling like he meant something else other than keeping his cold facade.
“I think you’re the most committed person I’ve met when it comes to doing what you do. But well, this–” he vaguely gestures to your art and the clock, “--is unhealthy, but I believe you’re trying.”
Minghao had no problems being honest, it was his strong suit–but you didn’t expect him to be vulnerable either. You’re gaping at him, like he’s grown a second head. He remains unfazed at your stare but you do notice the tips of his ears turn pink.
“And someone once told me that she wouldn’t want anyone to start hating themselves and their very hobbies, so I’d like to take her on a walk.”
The corner of his lips tilt a little when he catches the shift in your expression. You chew on your lip, already tired and too confused with how to navigate this territory of your relationship.
“Why would you think a walk would help?”
Minghao shrugs, shoving his hands in his pockets, “It helps when we stop creating for a while and just do something else.”
You contemplate on it awhile, recalculating the time you would need to come back quickly and finish your work. Glancing over at your piles of crumpled paper, you figure, you’ll only be stuck in the same cycle if you don’t take a break.
The night air is cool around the school campus while you walk side by side. You have no idea what it would be like being with Minghao outside of your school responsibilities and teaching assistant tasks. You think that between the two of you, you’d have to be the one to draw out a conversation to fight off whatever awkwardness might settle. But it doesn’t happen.
You’re surprised to learn that Minghao is a natural with leading conversations and asking a good balance of questions and thought provoking statements. Even in nearly three years you’ve known each other, there’s a lot you didn’t know about him.
He tells you he originally planned on majoring in fashion, given that it was part of his interests, but he figured he could do more with this major. He grew up learning martial arts and that he enjoys dancing. That surprised you as he didn’t strike you as someone who’d express his art through movement. Still, the image of him dancing so beautifully and powerfully puts a smile on your face.
He talks about his hometown, about the busy ports and quiet pockets of the shore. Later, you find out his apartment now wasn’t too far from here, a good five minute bus ride or a fifteen minute walk if he feels like it. Minghao had been a private art tutor for some time, to which earns him a raised brow because that could only mean he tutored some rich kids. But you figure that's why he speaks so eloquently and is quick to provide advice that best fits a student. The experience, much like yours, makes him consider teaching art so he plans to get a certification come graduation.
He asks about you, and you find it funny how you’re just getting to know each other after having studied and taught together. So you do; you tell him about your own hobbies outside of art, about your family, and how your grandfather had been a big influence with your art. Your eyes visibly light up when you talk about the peonies, how they used to overflow through the picket fence, and you’d pick them with your grandmother.
You tell him about your experience teaching art in highschool, that earns him a fond smile and you, a warm flush. You begin exchanging stories about your students from there–their shenanigans, their difficulties, and the art that has stuck with you.
An hour has passed by the time you’re making your way back to the studio. It was short but those minutes had changed two years worth of whatever you both had. It didn’t count as a friendship but it is something.
You wonder why he’s going back with you when he could go home. There was no more bad blood and he wasn’t obligated to stay but he said nothing about it.
“What is art to you?” he suddenly asks, visibly more comfortable.
“Why do you ask?” you ask, peering up at him curiously and you don’t comment on how close you are to each other that your shoulders brush and you can smell the faint powdery scent of his fabric conditioner.
Minghao glances at you and it doesn’t intimidate you anymore, knowing him the way you know him now.
“I was just wondering if your answer would still be the same.”
Huh?
Seeing your confusion, he further elaborates, “During our first year, Professor Lee asked us the same question.”
Your brows furrow, “If I don’t remember that question then I most likely can’t remember my answer.”
He shakes his head with an amused smile and you decide that you don’t mind seeing it more often than his infuriating smirk and glower.
“You said something like ‘to create something beautiful,’” then his nose scrunched.
You bump his shoulder, “What? It’s a good answer!”
“No, you don’t get it,” he nudges you back, “Art isn’t about just beauty.”
“Then what?”
“You’ll find it yourself,” he answers simply and you groan.
The art building comes into view and Minghao still doesn’t turn to leave. You’re feeling your earlier dread creep into your forefront but it's less daunting as it was an hour ago. You want to thank him but you’re tongue tied, still navigating in this new dynamic between you. And you wonder how everything changes from here.
Minghao insists on staying. Not verbally, but he asks you where your thesis draft was and while you hesitate, you have a feeling you can trust him. He sits on a table beside you, going through the embarrassing amount of red marks and revising what he could on your laptop. You would stubbornly protest and insist he could go home at this point, but you’re a little desperate to get some things off your plate.
The sounds of your pencil gliding across paper, the soft music, the clicking across the keyboard and shuffling of papers were all that filled the silence of the room. There are occasional questions about your papers from Minghao, and in turn you ask for his opinion on your progress. You’re mildly shocked he doesn’t make any passing comment on your mistakes. Perhaps, you villainized him a little too hard.
It’s 2:56 AM by the time you’re done. Your body feels like shit but you’re happy with how everything turned out. You’re finished, Minghao has done some revisions on your thesis, and you’re packing up and ready to go.
Letting out a loud groan, you reach your arms over your head, feeling the strain on your lower back, arms, and fingers. Minghao does the same, albeit with more grace than you possess. He looks tired too, but he doesn’t show it.
“Thank you, Hao,” you offer him a tired smile, “I’d probably have curled up and cried if you hadn’t come here.”
He gives you a nod and a soft smile, tucking your laptop away.
You tilt your head, suddenly remembering, “By the way, I should have probably asked earlier, but why did you come here? I mean, you could have talked to me right after class. Instead, you came here at such a late hour.”
It must be the fatigue or the lighting but you swear you saw the tips of his ears turn pink.
He doesn’t answer, just waves his hand and reaches for you to usher you through the door. You quickly realize, Minghao may not be capable of lying but he sure can avoid telling you the truth.
“You should go home and rest,” he tells you and you faintly feel his palms running up and down your back, “You don’t have to go to the meeting, or attend class.”
“But I have to!” you interject, “The meeting with Professor Jeong has to do with the midterms, and we have to be there in his class. Also I have to submit my charcoal project then attend the exhibition seminar.”
Minghao sighs in exasperation but he also understands that he can’t convince you otherwise.
“At least get three hours of sleep. How far is your place?”
You tell him your address and he frowns, holding your wrist before you could reach the main entrance, “That will take you almost an hour to go and back.”
“Uh, yeah,” and you realize that would mean you’ll only get an hour of sleep at most before you can freshen up and eat so you can pretend to be a sane person to get through the day. But it is preferable than the idea of sleeping here and carrying on the day in yesterday’s clothes and makeup does not appeal to you at all.
Minghao pauses for a while, regarding you with a thoughtful gaze that takes everything in you to not squirm.
“How do you feel about going back to my place instead?” he suggests, “It’s much closer, you can get at least three hours of sleep in a proper place before we have to come back here. You can freshen up there and I don’t have a dryer but I know I have some clothes that might fit you–”
Your wide eyes make him stutter to a halt and even in the warm lighting of the building, it’s unmistakable that you see how he turns red at his suggestion.
“If you don’t mind, of course,” he finishes, releasing his fingers that were curled on your wrist so you don’t feel like he was particularly pressuring you.
You give it some thought, and you just know you’d be freaking out about everything that transpired tonight if it weren’t for how bone tired you were.
“Okay, Hao.”
Minghao’s small apartment was neat and homey with all his personal pieces mounted on the walls or stacked by the doorway. He apologizes for the mess since he didn’t expect anyone to be over but you just scoff and wonder what his home looks like if he did clean. Your exhaustion barely takes it all the tiny details that make his home. So you both move swiftly, chucking your shoes off, putting away your things while Minghao asks you to wait for fifteen minutes so he could prepare his bed and get changed. You tell him that the couch, hell even the floor was fine. You’ll only be sleeping for a few hours anyway. But he leaves you no room to argue as he disappears down the hall to his room.
You nearly doze off where you had waited for him but you wake to the gentle shake on your shoulder and his gentle whisper that you could move to his bed. He’s in a tank sweats, and he leaves his own blanket and pillow on the couch. You groggily follow after him to find freshly changed sheets, a worn shirt and basketball shorts folded at the edge with a towel and makeup wipes.
That suddenly alarms you and before you wonder out loud if he had a girl. He regards you with an incredulous frown, “I use them.”
You blink and recall the times he did wear mild makeup and how you had particularly drooled over him when he showed up to class wearing a smoked out eyeliner.
Minghao gives you a brief rundown of where things were and if you ever needed anything you could just call him. You nod, feeling yourself get a little too lightheaded. He bids you goodnight, and leaves.
You’re barely under the covers when you’re knocked out of exhaustion, eased by the scent of him that surrounds you.
The next morning, you’re both too tired to talk the fifteen walk to university so you take the morning bus.
Physically, you both are tired.
But there’s new energy thrumming between the both of you. You look up at Minghao from where you’re seated. The bus was full this morning, and he offered his seat to an elderly woman. The gesture alone solidified your recent realization that you did indeed, villainize Xu Minghao too harshly.
Well that and the way he woke up earlier than you to make you breakfast and coffee then help you fit into his sweater and sweatpants. They don’t fit like they should but you’re tickled pink at the thought of wearing his clothes. He took one look at you, and returned with some jewelry pieces and accessories that he felt would pull the outfit together. It felt like you had your own personal stylist. You felt prettier than you did in your own clothes and you call the fluttering in your stomach an acid reflux from how much coffee you consumed…which grows ten times worse when Minghao gets ready and shows up in an outfit with the same color palette as yours.
The sun was just rising, filling the bus in its golden hue. Minghao was standing over you, hand on the rails above while he looked out the window behind you. The sunlight flashes over his eyes each time you pass through a building, the grown out platinum locks are flat and curled loosely around his face, and even with the evident exhaustion, he was so beautiful. Were his eyes always this brown?
Sensing your stare, he glances down and this time, you don’t squirm or look away. You’re content to just look at him, admire his features up close and finally notice the mole at the corner of his eye that was barely noticeable from the length of his hair. Unconsciously, your lips stretch into a fond smile.
Minghao smiles back.
There’s an evident change in your gait, in the way you enter a room, and hold yourself. It startles you how at ease you were the entire morning even running on three hours of sleep. It might be your body running on sheer willpower alone but your heart tells you it had something to do with how much closer Minghao is now.
Everything runs smoothly as you accompany the students in finalizing mid term projects that were centered around the theme of identity and their self portraits.
Up until you hear a loud clatter and a surprised gasp.
You flip your head over to one of the stations where you had seen a student prepping her canvas for varnishing. It was the same girl from a few weeks ago that had pushed you to confront Minghao’s tactless statement. Her hands are over her mouth as she gapes at the knocked over paint over her canvas. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t fallen over half of the face on the canvas. She quickly reaches for a rag and starts rubbing which disturbs the paint underneath. You walk over noticing the frustration and anxiety in her eyes, knowing that she had to submit this within the hour.
Minghao reaches her before you could and that makes her panic more.
“Hey, don’t, this could work,” he tells her calmly before reaching for the same paint that had spilled over.
“No, it’s ruined,” she croaks, hands shaking at her sides.
“I like to believe that mistakes are fixable,” he assures. You stare at him, and find yourself wondering when did he become ten times more attractive in the last twelve hours.
You attend to the other students who call for your attention all the while sparing glances over to Minghao and the distressed girl. He shows her a sample of what he’s envisioning and she’s quick to nod and follow with newfound hope.
By the time there’s ten minutes left till they had to scurry to their next class, you approach the two and take a look at the final product. You’re impressed at Minghao’s creativity and how quickly the student had worked to make it look like it took days. The stain over the half of her face had been shaped and improvised to look like it had been a silhouette of a mask.
“See, fixable,” Minghao points out while the student lays her brush down.
“Happy accidents?” you offer giving her a pat on the back. Your co-teaching assistant rolls his eyes before shaking his head with a smile.
The student gives you both a fulfilled grin, “Happy accidents.”
The interaction sticks with you and you find yourself suppressing a giddy smile as you stack up the individual student folders with their rubrics and grade. You had four more things on your checklist today, attend your drawing class, submit your project, head over to the exhibition seminar before going home to go over Minghao’s notes on your thesis.
Just as you turn around to bring the papers over to Professor Jeong’s office, Minghao takes them off your hands and blocks the doorway. Confused, you look up at him to find his figure looming over you. It feels like a stern warning coupled with his next words,
“Listen, I know the next class is important and you’re too stubborn to ask Professor Jeong’s help with your schedules…but why don’t you skip the exhibition seminar and just head home to rest?”
You shake your head softly, “I can’t, you know how important that seminar is for our final exhibit.”
“I’ll take notes and send them to you. And if that isn’t enough for your detailed oriented ass, I’ll record the whole thing,” he offers, firmly planted at the door until you agree with him. Your heart does a little backflip at that and honestly, you’d prefer Minghao taking notes for you than Vernon any day.
“Hao, you’re tired too. You stayed up with me, worked on my thesis, and took care of me at your own home.”
Now that you say it out loud, it hits you just how quickly everything escalated between the two of you and how you’re both not at each other’s throats.
Was Minghao truly mean this whole time? Or did you have a wrong perspective?
“But I wasn’t the one basically living in Professor Jeong’s studio for the past two weeks,” Minghao pressed and you ignored the fact that he noticed, “You need to sleep it off.”
“But-”
He sternly says your name, “You’re not going to be of any use running on three to four hours of sleep, take outs, and coffee.”
There it was, the straightforward, cutting nature of Minghao that would piss you off before he even speaks. But this time, it doesn’t and you listen to him.
He walks you to the bus stop after class, and gives you a small wave from where he stood as you pull away.
Xu Minghao hates you, you stood on that for the longest time.
And now, you’re not so sure if he ever did in the first place.
The weeks that follow are less stressful than the last but when graduation season closes in the calendar, the stress and the tight schedules amp right back up to newer heights. While you vowed that you would never fall back into that routine of staying late in the studio, you couldn’t help it when you’re between attending classes, seminars,assisting in them, and preparing your own corner of the exhibit all the while finishing your thesis.
You’re sick of staring at blank canvases, half finished ones, empty tubs of paint, and crumpled paper towels.
Your projects and graduation are all that occupy the forefront of your mind that you barely find time to reflect on the shift in your relationship with Minghao. He’s close enough for you to call him a friend but friends don’t do what he does for you. Friends don’t pack lunches for you on your busy days. Friends don’t call you on the weekends just so they could simply talk to you. Friends don’t offer to stay in the studio with you till the late hours. Friends don’t carry your bag or hold your hand with an excuse that it's gotten too cold. Friends don’t leave you their spare keys or pick you up when you stay out too late. Friends don’t tell you to keep their burrowed clothes when you crash into their place and attempt to return them.
And when Vernon had obliviously called Minghao your boyfriend in front of him—he doesn’t even deny it.
Friends don’t do that.
You push that in the backburner, you had too much on your plate to think about that.
Xu Minghao doesn’t hate you like you thought he did.
You settle for that.
You’re back to where you were again a few months back, despondent, lackluster for your art whenever you had to create just for the sake of meeting a deadline and expectation. You’re at the homestretch but you told Minghao how much you’ve been feeling nauseous anytime you enter a studio. He had hummed sympathetically, suggesting that maybe you needed to learn a new medium so you could have an experience without any pressure of meeting an instructor’s expectation and consequence.
“Your clay is tilting,” Minghao says. "Your pressure’s unsteady.”
You carefully adjust your palms to even out the balance but one corner ends up being thinner than the other. You hear him click his tongue and there’s a momentary hot flush that fills you.
This was supposed to make you love art again.
But you hate it.
You hate that his critique has an effect on you. You hate that you listened to him once he suggested you try your hand at something you’ve rarely done. You hate that even in a practice without a rubric or expectation, you’re still harshly scrutinizing your creation. You hate that you’re feeding into your self loathing because you hate what’s becoming of your clay. You hate that you feel something in your chest ebb and flow in overwhelming waves. You hate that you’re losing your composure over your failing art.
Your frustration reflects, the clay starts twisting unevenly beneath your unsteady palms.
“Like this.”
Warmth covers your back and your arms are braced by Minghao as he cups your hands under his own. You feel his thigh nudge yours away from the pedal as he takes over. He’s gentle just like he always was when touching you. There wasn’t a lot of times to begin with, but enough for you to still feel the burn of his skin against yours.
The pressure of his palms slowly right the tilt of your clay, and slowly, as you let him guide your movements, it starts to take shape. He stays there, sure and steady.
“There you go,” he murmurs, warm breath brushing against your ear.
He’s quiet for a while, just letting you feel the right pressure and motions. The silence and his proximity should have made you jump, flustered, and tense. But you don’t. Instead you find yourself releasing a deep breath, unconsciously leaning into his frame while you let his motions ease you.
“It's not just about the result,” he mutters, “It’s also the process.”
You can’t find it in you to disagree with him. You don’t know when or where you got the instinct to constantly defy him.
Minghao is right.
Maybe you rushed further ahead with a vision of perfection that you thought you had to meet. And set standards for yourself that you didn’t realize might not withstand the test of time.
“See, not bad for a first timer,” he huffs out a quiet laugh, and it ghosts along your neck.
The wheel slows to stop and you feel like your breathing stops too. Minghao doesn’t let go of your hands, they settle on the wheel, his clay covered fingers curled loosely over your own.
He was so close, close enough to feel his warmth, feel his heartbeat against your back, and the way his grown out blonde locks tickle the skin of your jaw. You’ve never been this close before. He doesn’t move away and you don’t want him to.
You feel him turn his face towards you and you tilt your head to look at him. Minghao was always intense, yet he’s gazing at you gently but with raw want. His forehead nearly touches yours and you can’t find the words to say, unwilling to break whatever fragile tension flows between the two of you.
You don’t know who moves first. But he’s dipped his head to press his lips against yours. It’s gentle, slow, but hesitant at first, almost as if testing the waters. Your eyes flutter close, savoring the tenderness he holds you in. He pulls away, just barely, his eyes half lidded, breathes mingling as if asking if that was okay.
You nudge your nose against his and he dips down once more to capture your lips in a heated kiss. You gasp, pressing even closer. He releases your hands to clasp your waist while you twist your body to throw your arms around his neck. His lips are soft against your own but a complete contradiction to the frantic way he’s pulling you even closer. You sigh against his mouth when he licks at the seam of your lips. He groans when your tongue brushes his and his hand reaches up to cradle your neck. You whimper at the cold sensation of the clay but you couldn’t care less, as your hands come down to caress his shoulders.
He can’t seem to get enough. Each time you part, he dives right back in till you’re breathless and panting against each other’s mouths, hands grasping where they could.
You try turn your body to comfortably face him but you lose balance on your stool nearly pushing him off. His hands fly to the wheel to balance you both but his hand smacks your wet vase in the process.
Startled, you pull away from each other and look over the wheel where the vase had been smashed in on one side. There’s a brief pause, you both blink owlishly before slowly turning towards each other. You both burst into a fit of giggles when you see the smears of drying clay on each other’s necks, jaw, and hair. Lightness fills your chest as you watch his grin reach his eyes, crinkling in mirth and cheeks red with what had transpired between you.
Friends don’t messily makeout—literally.
“Sorry,” he murmurs softly, rubbing his nose against yours.
“For what?” you whisper smiling into this tender affection.
“For your vase…your hair…and hm, your shirt,” he chuckles sheepishly. It gives you a whiplash to see him this way, especially when you’ve conditioned yourself to see him as some cold hearted bastard.
Perhaps, you did have the wrong perspective.
“I’m not,” you smile, sweetly kissing the corner of his mouth, “I’m not sorry at all.”
The first time Xu Minghao saw you, he thought he had never met someone so determined and passionate about their art. He finds himself listening to your every word in Fundamentals of Art, while he didn’t agree with your ideals, it didn’t mean he couldn’t admire you. There was an intense passion in your eyes as you worked and you had always been careful and intentional to perform your best.
But passionate people burn themselves quickly.
Hence, he always felt the need to push you in the right direction even if you had gotten off on an awkward foot.
That one Thursday in Life Drawing, you had tapped his shoulder, shyly asking if he had any oil pastels to spare.
“You’re using the same bag. Life Drawing is every Thursday, be prepared next time.”
That’s what he had told you. He meant well, meant to say you shouldn’t be so careless. But when he reaches for his bag to hand you his treasured set of oil pastels from his homeland, he’s confused to see you walking away.
He supposes that isn’t so bad because you befriend that lost cause of an artist, Vernon because of his poor choice of words. But something amazing happens as he watches the dynamic between you push Vernon into the right direction. Minghao sees how Vernon slowly adapts your interests and enthusiasm. Sure, he had an eccentric grasp completely different from what you expect of him but he’s making decent marks in class for someone who had wandered into the wrong major.
Minghao knows it's too late to switch his seat so he makes it a point to come early the next year to sit next to you. And once he’s within your space, he’s suddenly at a loss of what to say. So instead, he chose to introduce himself knowing full well after that it was stupid. You looked at him in offense, and he just stared. He knew you more than your name. He knew your art style, he knew you were not fond of contemporary artists, and he knew you didn’t cook often with how much you do take outs with Vernon.
Still, he managed to offend you in three words.
But he learns more about you just by being your seatmate and observing. He learned that you like creating peonies when it comes to a session of free drawing. He reads your mood from the lilt of your voice when you speak. He learned that when you’re particularly relaxed and painting, you sometimes hum. He learned that you were a caring friend with how often you’d check in on Vernon’s progress and patiently answer his questions. He learned about your perfectionism and how it both maximizes and hinders your potential.
He also learned that you hated it when he spoke to you, especially when it came to your art. But he figured that he’d settle for your irritated glare and acerbic tone if it meant that you were being challenged.
Because Xu Minghao learned early on that you tend to obsess over the result of your art, perfecting it rather than counting the process as part of art itself. Besides, watching you slowly fall prey to your perfectionism and burnout was also watching you fall away from what art means to you—which was to monumentalize the beauty of living.
Not something that resonates with himself, but if it mattered to you, then he wouldn’t take that away from you.
Over the course of the two years he’s within your orbit, he’s content with the dynamic he’s established with you. It was fun for him most days and he doesn’t truly wonder why he’s adamant in being in your world. If his interest in you meant more than just friendly rivalry, he wasn’t afraid of whatever it would mean.
And the warmth overflowing in his chest as he watches you get ready in his bathroom is undeniably there to stay for the long run.
It’s been nearly three months since that fateful night you kissed. He still blushes at the thought of how desperate he was he hadn’t been careful with his clay covered hands. Now the smashed-in vase and your stained clothes had been immortalized as trinkets. You insisted on having the vase fired and glazed for your exhibit, and to keep your stained shirt as your go-to shirt when throwing clay since you developed a new found love for ceramics.
“Hi,” you grin, giving him a sweet kiss on the cheek when he welcomes you into his embrace. You had stayed the night after another late night to finish setting up your respective exhibits. You’ve done that more often the past month. While Minghao insists you could still wear his clothes, he’s not opposed to the idea of having to clear out the bottom of his dresser for your clothes and keeping a set of your toiletries in the bathroom.
You asked him once if he felt you were both going too fast or if he’d one day regret you. You’ve hated him longer than you realized you didn’t. On the other hand, Minghao was never afraid of whatever would become of his feelings towards you.
“I feel like I know you in a way that my soul had found home in you before you even knew it was yours.”
You had turned bright red, punched his arm and called him cheesy because he hadn’t even told you he loved you yet he easily spoke poetry of how he felt. He chuckles and kisses your forehead,
“But isn’t that better than I love you?”
Minghao holds you in a loose embrace, tucking a hair behind your ear with a tender smile, “Are you ready for today?”
You hum, resting your chin on his collarbone, “Are you?”
He nods, leaning down to kiss you softly, “You did so well, baobei. Your grandfather would be so proud of you.”
“Ah,” you quietly squeal and slap his chest, “Stop, you’ll make me cry.”
Minghao giggles, pressing an apologetic kiss to your cheek, “Alright, alright.”
“I’m excited to see yours,” you tell him, winding your arms tighter around his lithe waist, “I can’t believe you banned me from looking. I don’t even know how you managed to hide it from me.”
“It’s not that hard when your girlfriend is too busy with her own exhibit.”
“Fair.”
And he tries not to tease the way you’re visibly glowing when he refers to you as his girlfriend.
With fifteen minutes to spare before the gallery would be open to the public, you immediately find Vernon after the exhibition briefing
“Vernon!”
“Hey, guys,” he shoots you both a boyish grin, “It’s finally here, huh? We’re nearly done!”
“I mean, Hao and I still have our thesis to worry about but this is something huge to check off the list,” you chuckle.
Vernon nods, looking between the two of you with a pleased grin, “I called it first.”
Minghao raises a brow, “Huh?”
You huff, feeling heat creep up your neck as you shove your friend, “Shut up, you were right okay.”
Vernon raises his hand in surrender before you shift the topic, “I’m really sorry I couldn’t help you out for your exhibit.”
He waves his hand, “Hey, I told you I got it, okay? I had to eventually be independent from my art parents and make you proud.”
You scrunch your nose at the term and Vernon teases Minghao that he should stop rubbing off on you which earns him a laugh.
“Besides, I did get really great advice from a friend,” Vernon continues, “I think you’ll be proud.”
Raising a brow, you spare a quick glance towards your boyfriend, “By friend, do you mean Jeonghan?”
“Yup!”
“Is that why we found you both crouched at the parking lot, picking through the gravel a few weeks ago?”
“Yeah,” Vernon doesn’t even seem fazed at how odd and concerning they had seemed. “C’mon, I’ll show you!”
The times you’ve seen your friend this enthusiastic were few and far between so you both follow him to his corner of the gallery. He tells you both to close your eyes once you’re close and he leads you both by your hands. You’re curious to see what he’s come up with. You feel like it has nothing to do with painting because he gets a little too bored with it. Your guess was it had to be some sculpture or something of the like.
“Okay, in three…two…one!”
You open your eyes to find a glass case of four rows of…rocks. They were off all different sizes, some had a natural grain and crack to them that looked like faces while some had googly eyes. But what really made them stand out was the fact that each of the rocks had their own clothes and accessories from little straw hats, poorly sewn suits, dresses, and track suits.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you…The Ore of Everyday.”
You're in between bursting both in tears and in laughter because this was truly very Vernon of him. It was endearing how his imagination and interpretation exceeds yours. The look on his face tells you he's happy and content. And all the opinions and happiness that mattered to him was his own. That was special. That was Vernon as an artist. If he was to be the next Anish Kapoor as everyone says he would be, you just know he'd be even better.
“Oh Vernon,” you sigh with a proud smile. “This looks amazing. I love the tiny little hats.”
“Right?” he lifts his fingers to your faces to show the scratches and miniscule pokes littered along them, “I think that was the most stressful part but it was worth it.”
“I like how you utilized the natural cracks in them, they really do look like faces,” Minghao commends, carefully examining each one.
“Thanks!” Vernon grins, “Compared to all our other projects, I really enjoyed doing this one.”
You smile softly, a sense of fulfillment and contentment washing over you seeing how far Vernon had come just by being himself.
“Can I see yours now?” you ask Minghao while you leisurely make your way through the gallery with linked hands.
He hums, pretending to think and you pout, already antsy and excited to see what he was so adamant on keeping from you. He laughs before squeezing your hand, “Of course, you can.”
Minghao leads you to his own corner of the exhibition with an unhurried pace.
“I want you to look at each piece alright, baobei? Don’t take it all in at once.” he tells you just before you round the corner.
You nod, smiling and bouncing on your heels. With a quick glance at your surroundings, he dips his head to kiss your forehead.
“Okay, let's go.”
He takes you to the first piece, a minimalist and simple approach to what you could recognize as a spiral staircase of your university. The second piece was a little trippy. The canvas had been painted like a crumpled piece of paper stuck on the wall. Three-dimensional art was something you had been thoroughly intrigued with but not something you were fond of creating. You praise your boyfriend for his understanding of texture and the precision of his light and shadow placements. He just smiles, quietly taking in how your eyes become doe like as you look through the rest of his work.
The next piece you see had been a painting of a woman, back turned towards you as she works on her art. You realize it had been a painting of you, and as you take in the details–the crumpled pieces of paper at the corner, an inconspicuous paper bag and an open case of charcoal at your side. You tilt your head towards him to find that he’s just content with watching you admire his work. You reach for his hand and he takes it. Giving him a grateful squeeze, you lean into his shoulder as you proceed to the next.
This time, it's clearly a portrait of you in oil pastel and you recognize it was on the morning bus after the first time you had spent the night. The perspective was from a bird’s eye view so you’re looking up and you wonder if this is how Minghao looked at you back then. Draped in pretty warm hues and eyes bright and colorful from how the sun had hit your face.
You giggle at the next one: a disfigured clay pot with two hand prints you recognize as yours. You may have the original smashed vase over at your exhibit but Minghao wanted to have his own too. You just didn’t think he would have it displayed in the exhibit. You want to know why he’d think this would fit the theme but you suppose that's the beauty of art, you get to decide what it meant even if it wouldn’t make sense.
The last one is the bigger piece and you bring a hand up to your mouth.
It was an oil painting of peonies spilling over the picket fence and a loosely painted child crouched next to her grandmother as they picked them—exactly how you had described your fond childhood memory to him…once. And you weren’t even dating at that time.
“Hao…” you turn to him, at a loss for words.
“That’s how you fell in love with art, right?” he tells you softly, “You saw it in the everyday.”
You glance back at the canvas, hit with a heavy wave of nostalgia and clarity of why you loved doing what you do. You liked capturing and immortalizing moments like these with your own hands like your grandfather had. You loved looking at the world in detail, making the most mundane things romantic in your eyes, expressing them through art.
You feel a pair of arms wrap around you, “And this is me falling in love with you.”
Minghao tenderly cups your jaw, tilting your face towards him. It’s just you and him and it reflects in the warmth of his eyes. You meet the soft plush of his lips in a loving kiss, and you stay there, at home in his embrace.
You had been sure that Xu Minghao hates you. That felt like a long time ago, before both of your perspectives shift.
A/N || This series will start from October and run till November end. This is my first horror series in this blog and i was wondering whether or not to write this because i'm so bad at writing horror fics so please give it lots of love! i hope you all enjoy this series.
↬ Seungcheol in ❝ Stitches And Hearts ❞
╼ PAIRING || Seungcheol x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Frankenstein! AU, Horror, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || When life snatched away your lover from you, you were completely heartbroken. But there was no way you were going to let fate decide your life so you took matters into your own hands.
Or, in which, you were driven mad by grief but sane enough to get him back.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Jeonghan in ❝ Alice In Wonderland ❞
╼ PAIRING || Jeonghan x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Horror, Romance, Angst
╼ SUMMARY || You wake up with your memories wiped out in a lonely house with a few other people, all in the same position. As you all try making your way out, you start finding out disturbing truths that maybe should have been left alone.
Or, in which, wonderland wasn't so wonderful when you realised what had exactly happened.
╼ SUMMARY || Moving into the cheapest house you could get your hands on was definitely not number one on your bucket list but maybeyour hot neighbour could make up for it.
Or, in which, history repeats itself but maybe it never died in the first place
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Junhui in ❝ The Painting ❞
╼ PAIRING || Junhui x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Romance, Horror, The Picture Of Dorian Gray AU, Serial Killer AU
╼ SUMMARY || Wen Junhui was the most perfect man you could have ever fallen in love with and there was nothing more you could ever ask for him. Except, maybe wonder why he would never let you in his house.
Or, in which, maybe the man you were in love with was not as beautiful as he seemed.
╼ SUMMARY || When you moved in with Kwon Soonyoung, you were a bit skeptical about rooming with a random stranger. But that totally changed when you finally met him and began to fall in love. Except maybe he wasn't who you thought he was.
Or, in which, your feelings were temporary, just like him.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Wonwoo in ❝ Lights Out ❞
╼ PAIRING || Wonwoo x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Vampire! AU, Horror, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || All you wanted to do was loosen up a little after your exams. So what best place to relax other than a club right? Especially if there is a handsome stranger offering to buy you drinks.
Or, in which, your one night stand goes horribly, horribly wrong.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Jihoon in ❝ Deep Sleep ❞
╼ PAIRING || Jihoon x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Incubus!Jihoon, Horror, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || You knew you were a deep sleeper and that one day you would get into trouble for it but if you could wake up energetic the next day, who were you to complain? Until you started getting nightmares when you moved to your new house.
Or, in which, your nightmares were plagues by the same damn man.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Seokmin in ❝ Death Do Us Part ❞
╼ PAIRING || Seokmin x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Horror, Romance, Succubus!Reader
╼ SUMMARY || Lee Seokmin was everything you had ever wanted in a man. Unfortunately he was too far away from your reach physically. Quite literally.
Or, in which, you were going to have Seokmin to yourself, no matter what.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Mingyu in ❝ Telephone ❞
╼ PAIRING || Mingyu x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Horror, 911 Operator!Mingyu, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || Working the night shift as a 911 operator was hard as it is and the last thing Mingyu needed was those calls from his ex-girlfriend. Whom he had not seen in years. For obvious reasons of her being dead.
Or, in which, Mingyu kept getting calls from his ex girlfriend claiming that she had murdered him.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Minghao in ❝ Jekyll ❞
╼ PAIRING || Minghao x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Dr Jekyll And Mr Hyde AU, Horror, Angst, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || You had loved your blind date because Xu Minghao had put in so much efforts in both the dates he had arranged. Until his personality did a complete 360 degree on the third date. And you had considering breaking things off with him until you found a 'help me' note in his handwriting in your handbag.
Or, in which,
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Seungkwan in ❝ Porcelain ❞
╼ PAIRING || Seungkwan x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Porcelain Doll AU, Horror, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || When Seungkwan's girlfriend goes back to her grandmother's house for a few days, he expects continuous messages from her. But instead of that, all he gets is a gift from her. A porcelain doll.
Or, in which, Seungkwan thinks you gifted him a doll from your grandmother's collection.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Vernon in ❝ Sabotaged ❞
╼ PAIRING || Vernon x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Horror, Romance
╼ SUMMARY || There was something off about your boyfriend's house. You just could feel it. Determined to find out you decide to spend the night in his house.
Or, in which, you find out secret's you were never supposed to find out and now you'll have your revenge.
╼ WARNINGS || TBA
╼ WORD COUNT || TBA
↬ Chan in ❝ Reaper ❞
╼ PAIRING || Chan x Female Reader
╼ GENRES || Horror, Romance, Grim Reaper AU, Serial Killer AU
╼ SUMMARY || All Chan wanted to do was lead a simple carefree life, leaving behind his past now that he had met you. But you, you on the other hand had some other plans for him.
Or, in which, Chan thought you were the one without realising you were actually the one.
After meeting a blonde Seungkwan working in your favorite pretzel shop, you finally understand what a male thot job is.
warnings under the cut ⋆˚☆˖°
SMUT WARNINGS: casual sex (reader and kwan hook up in a small amount of time after meeting), dom!kwan, making out, dirty talk, some pet names and derogatory names (baby, pretty girl, needy girl, sweetie, slut, fucktoy), dry humping, breast/nipple play, a few spanks, fingering, oral sex (both f. and m. receiving), sex from behind, missionary sex, protected sex (use of condom)
✉ hi friends! i wrote this within the span of about a week because the idea of seungkwan working in a shop but ONLY knowing how to make drinks made me laugh more than i would like to admit. i had a ton of fun writing this and i hope someone else enjoys it as well!
“What do you mean you’re out of pretzels? Isn’t this a pretzel shop?”
“My coworker is the one who does the pretzels. I only make the drinks.”
The blonde man in front of you stands behind the counter, idly picking at his pink and brown striped shirt.
You’re trying your best to not be an outraged customer, but you really just wanted a damn pretzel on your lunch break.
“So where’s your coworker?” you ask with a hand on your hip.
“Chan left early,” the man states matter-of-factly, like you were supposed to know that. “Do you want a drink? We have really good lemonade.”
You sigh and redirect your eyes back to the simple menu. The thought of leaving and going back to your dreadful job without any sort of treat sounds miserable.
“I guess I’ll take a medium frozen blue raspberry lemonade then,” you reply and pull your wallet out to pay. He gestures towards your wallet with a wave of his hands.
“Sure. Don’t worry about paying, it’s on the house,” he says with an almost unnoticeable wink that makes you freeze. “Because of the trouble.”
You smile back at the man, suddenly noticing just how handsome he is. Your dry spell must be getting really bad if you’re thirsting over a random mall worker — especially one working in a pretzel stand. He quickly finishes the drink, handing it over and keeping eye contact with you. You feel your throat go dry when his fingers graze yours.
“Thanks, have a great day!” you exclaim before he has the chance to open his mouth. You grab the cup with both hands, and practically dart to the exit of the mall to get back to work.
The blonde watches you run away and laughs to himself.
“Did she just… come to the mall for a pretzel and then leave?” Seungkwan asks himself in disbelief.
The next day, you find yourself waltzing back into the mall, headed towards the pink and brown themed pretzel shop - “Pretzel Pretzel”. As you head over to it, you can’t help but wonder who came up with such a dumb name.
This time you came after work instead of during your break, hoping to avoid the blonde man from yesterday. Imagine your utter distress when you realized how amazing that blue raspberry frozen lemonade tasted and how you now blame your terrible sweet tooth for the new craving.
Luckily, your eyes meet with a brunette man. His sharp eyes squint and his bright smile grows to greet you.
“Hi there, welcome to Pretzel Pretzel! How can I help you today?”
“Hello,” you start with a small smile. “Can I just get a cinnamon sugar pretzel and a small blue raspberry frozen lemonade?”
“Of course,” the worker replies as he rapidly taps on the screen in front of him. “Your total will be on the pinpad below.”
You pull your credit card out as your eyes wander to the desolate drink machine behind the counter, smiling as you think you must’ve lucked out today. Then, you watch the worker head over to the door right behind him and peek in.
“Seungkwan, we have a drink order!” he says cheerily and you resist the urge to roll your eyes when the man from yesterday walks out.
“Oh, hey,” he greets you when he notices you. “Finally getting your pretzel today?”
You can’t help but grimace and nod.
“And the lemonade was actually really good,” you reply with an eyebrow raised. He smirks at you and begins making your drink.
“Of course it was,” he says, turning to face the machine. “I’m skilled with my hands.”
Your eyes widen in shock at his choice of words. You can’t tell if he did that on purpose or not. The brunette man hands you a pretzel with an apologetic smile and then slides up behind the other man.
“Please don’t make our customers uncomfortable, Seungkwan!” he whispers exasperatedly. The blonde laughs and finishes up.
“Sorry, Chan,” he replies brightly and hands you the cup.
“See you next time,” he tells you with a knowing grin and you snatch the drink from him.
“Uh, thanks,” you say to the both of them before bolting to the exit. The men watch you all the way until you get to the exit doors.
“She came in yesterday when you were gone,” Seungkwan tells Chan when he notices his puzzled expression. Chan shakes his head and looks at the other man.
“This is why I keep telling you that you need to learn the pretzel part of the job! How can you work at Pretzel Pretzel and only know how to make drinks?!” Chan says with a glare.
“Look, I’m the drink guy and you’re the pretzel guy,” Seungkwan replies. “That’s how this works.”
It becomes a routine of sorts. When you’re having a tough day at work, you treat yourself to a pretzel and a drink at the mall across the street from your office building. Seeing the handsome blonde you now know as Seungkwan doesn’t hurt, either.
“So where do you work? You’re always here but I noticed you leave immediately after coming by our shop,” Seungkwan asks with tilt of his head after the two of you formally introduce yourselves to each other on your sixth visit.
“I actually work in the office across the street,” you reply with a nod. “I just came here that one day because I was craving a pretzel.”
“And you didn’t even get one,” he says with a dramatic sigh. “I would’ve left a terrible review on Google if that happened to me.”
“I’m still considering that,” you whisper and Seungkwan laughs. As usual, you take your pretzel and drink and leave after you finish conversing.
The next week, you miss your normal visits to the pretzel shop after you begin feeling under the weather. On Friday, you force yourself to hit the mall department store in search of a birthday gift for your friend.
You sigh, sifting through the clothes on the rack trying to find something halfway decent. A light blue dress pulls your attention and you grab the hanger to look at it.
“That’s a pretty dress,” says a familiar voice from behind you.
Your head whips around in surprise, immediately spotting Seungkwan in casual clothing. Your eyes immediately take in the oversized hoodie and jeans that he’s wearing. When you finally meet his gaze, he’s smiling knowingly at you.
“It’s a gift,” you reply with a forced smile. He hums and casually steps toward you.
“I haven’t seen you at the shop lately,” Seungkwan says as he absentmindedly looks at clothes himself.
“I got sick this week,” you reply with an exhale. “Can’t you tell by how bad I look?”
He scoffs and looks back at you.
“You’re always gorgeous.”
You swallow, throat suddenly feeling even more scratchy.
“Oh,” you reply with a nod. “Thank you.”
“You know,” Seungkwan begins with a devious smile. “I still owe you one.”
You tilt your head in question and he continues.
“Because of the pretzel.”
His sudden words make you giggle.
“So how are you gonna pay me back?” you ask him with a grin. You do, however, immediately regret your words when you notice how his eyes darken.
“Give me your phone,” he tells you and you pause. Curious about what he’s going to do, you unlock your cell and hand it to him. After a few seconds, he hands it back to you.
“There’s my number. You can text me when you decide what you want,” Seungkwan replies with a smirk. With that, he turns around and leaves the store. Your jaw almost drops while you try to process what exactly just happened.
However, your shock doesn’t stop you from taking up his offer.
Maybe not being able to open a jar is your excuse at attempting a booty call — however, there is currently a jar of unopened pickles sitting on your counter. You took it as a sign.
Seungkwan must not live very far from you, because next thing you know you hear a knocking at your door. You open it, faced with fluffy hair and a smile.
“I’m glad I’m at the right door,” he says and you roll your eyes, inviting him in with a gesture of your hand. You notice how cute he looks in his casual clothes.
“Oh!” he exclaims and spins around to look at you. “There’s actually a jar.”
“Yes there is,” you begin and take a step towards him, giving him a pout. “You seem so strong, so I thought you could take care of it for me.”
“I see…” he replies lowly, openly letting his gaze fall on your body. “Don’t you want me to take care of you first?”
You swallow, feeling your face heat up. You close the gap between the both of you and nod up at him, giving him the opportunity to make a move.
Seungkwan closes his eyes and leans in to place a gentle kiss on your lips.
“I’ve been wanting to do that since the day we met,” he says in a soft voice when he pulls back to look at you.
“You wanted to kiss a stranger?” you reply with a smile, humoring yourself. He places his hands on your waist and bites his lip before replying.
“A stranger as sexy as you? Of course.”
You’re the one to lean in this time and place another kiss on his lips, followed by another and another until he has you pushed up against your kitchen counter.
The way Seungkwan’s body grazes against your chest every time he moves is slowly driving you crazy, and you can’t help but gasp when he invades your space to nip at your ear. You desperately want to beg him for more, but you decide against it in an effort to practice self control.
That is — until his hand snakes up over your thin shirt and his fingers rub over your stiff nipples.
“Oh,” you say with a small gasp of pleasure. “That feels good…”
He smirks and uses two of his fingers to pinch your right nipple, watching as your gasp turns into a moan. He takes his other hand and places it on your left breast, squeezing and massaging and he teases your sensitive nipple.
“At least take my shirt off,” you plea in a desperate voice. “Please?”
“This is more fun,” he replies and gives you a deep kiss, his tongue slipping into your mouth. You let his tongue explore your mouth before he pulls back slowly.
“Who knew that you dress like such a slut at home?” he says in a teasing voice. “Or did you just wear this to rile me up?”
Seungkwan gestures towards your thin tank top and shorts combo, and gives your tit a particularly harsh squeeze. His choice of words sends a spark down your spine.
“It worked. Don’t you like it?” you whisper, your words punctuated with a whine as he pinches both of your nipples. He nods, leaning his head into your neck to suck on the skin there. As he leaves kisses, he shallowly thrusts his hips once into yours and your head spins when you feel his hard erection pressed against your body.
“You can feel how much I like it, baby. I’m so hard for you already.”
Your eyes flutter closed as he gives another thrust, rubbing against your clothed pussy. Little does he know that you’re not wearing underwear either, and you can feel every single movement.
“Seungkwan,” you whine and wrap your arms around his neck, trying to bring him closer and gain more friction. “More, harder.”
He lets out a soft grunt in your ear and grabs ahold of your hips, rutting your body into the hard surface behind you. His cock feels amazing against you, even through his thick sweatpants. You think that you could cum from this feeling. As if he read your mind, Seungkwan pulls back from you the slightest bit to catch his breath. He looks down and you follow, both of you spotting the wet spot that you left on his crotch.
“Holy fuck,” he exclaims, eyes wide. His eyes drift towards your own shorts, seeing how they cling to your soaking wet pussy. His heavy gaze almost makes your legs buckle underneath you.
“No panties, either?” he looks into your eyes as his fingers grip even tighter onto your hips. You shake your head bashfully, secretly loving the decision you made that caused him to react like this.
“So you planned this…” Seungkwan begins, lifting his hands to gently pull down the thin straps of your tank top. “You waited for me, pussy all wet and waiting to be fucked. You need me to help you, right baby?”
He pulls the front of your tank top down so that your sensitive tits are exposed, waiting for your answer. While you stare at him, breathing heavily, he pulls the fabric over your head and throws it to the floor.
“That’s… you’re right. I need you to fuck me,” you say shakily. He smiles, placing a hand on your chin and kissing you sweetly.
“I know. I’ll take care of you, my needy girl.”
He quickly strips off his own shirt, not giving you a chance to admire his body before he lifts you up by the hips and places you on the counter behind you. His hands work quickly and slide your thin shorts down your legs, smirking at the wet spot he sees on them.
Seungkwan kneels onto the floor, spreading your legs before him and swallowing at the sight of your swollen cunt. Without a word, he spreads your folds with his thumbs and licks at your wet entrance.
You feel your whole body react to the touch, your pussy twitching in pleasure. He focuses on your hole, letting his tongue circle it and gently lick at it. You moan his name loudly and scramble to place your hands on his broad shoulders.
“Oh shit,” you exclaim when he moves on to suck on your sensitive clit. You can feel it throbbing. He flicks his tongue on it, simultaneously slipping two fingers inside of you. Your pussy takes them in easily with how aroused you are. He doesn’t take long before he begins fucking you with his fingers against your g-spot.
“Seungkwan,” you whimper and move one of your hands to thread through his blonde hair. “Your mouth is amazing.”
He moans and you watch his eyes close as he continues to tongue your clit and slide his fingers in and out of you, drawing loud sounds from your throat. You can feel your orgasm approaching quickly, but you want to wait on it.
“Gonna cum, Kwan,” you breathe out. “But I wanna cum when you’re inside of me.”
Seungkwan pauses his actions, pulling his fingers out and licking up the remaining wetness all over your cunt.
“You taste so good, I could do this every day for the rest of my life,” he sighs before putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking them clean. The lewd display makes your pussy clench around nothing. Your eyes are then drawn to the clear outline of his erection in his sweatpants, and you swear you can feel your mouth begin to water.
Before he can say anything, you slide down from the counter to stand in front of him and pull him into a deep kiss. You pull back and lean into his neck.
“I want to suck your cock,” you whisper into his ear and run a hand down his chest, stopping to grope his hard cock through the fabric. He groans and places a hand on your ass, giving it a squeeze.
“Be my guest, pretty girl,” he replies with a small smile that makes your heart skip a beat. You nod, carefully dropping down to your knees in front of him. Your fingers find the waistband of both his pants and underwear, pulling them down at the same time. His erection springs free and you almost moan at the sight of his thick, throbbing cock.
“You look like you wanna eat me,” Seungkwan says with a small laugh that makes you grin.
“Maybe I do,” you reply teasingly as you wrap a hand around him. “I’ve been thinking about this all day.”
His length twitches in your hand at your words and you wink up at him before licking the precum leaking from his tip. He groans quietly and places a hand on your head. You continue by running your tongue down his shaft, before lifting his cock and licking his balls.
You slide your mouth back up, and then fully wrap your lips around the head of his length to work your tongue over it. The sounds coming from Seungkwan’s mouth are making it hard for you to focus, but you continue nonetheless.
“Fuck,” he breathes out when you finally take his cock inside your mouth. You take him in as much as you can handle, feeling his hand rub your head soothingly. His length slides in and out of your mouth as he continues to moan your name.
“You’re doing so well, you look so pretty,” he begins to ramble desperately while you speed up your motions. Your watery eyes look up into his and you feel his hips stutter against you. You take your mouth off his cock, using your hand to rub your spit up and down the shaft.
Before you can continue, Seungkwan gently pulls you away from his cock and up so you can stand. Suddenly, his hands wrap around your body and he pulls you close to him.
“I need to be inside of you right now, baby,” he says, voice raspy. You nod, letting him spin you around and put you into position facing the counter. You turn your head to the side, watching him.
“Do you have a condom?” you ask, ready to offer one if he didn’t. He nods and bends over to reach into his sweatpants pocket. The sight makes you giggle.
“So if you brought one, doesn’t that mean you planned for this to happen?” you say with a teasing pout, making Seungkwan smile.
“You aren’t the only one who’s been thinking about this,” he replies with a kiss on your head. You watch him roll the condom on his cock, excited to feel him inside of you.
He places his hands on your waist, pulling your ass towards him. Your back arches to give him easier access. Giving you a playful spank, he begins lining his cock up and then slowly slides inside of you.
The two of you moan in unison as Seungkwan enters your pussy in one thrust. You clench around him, pulling a string of curses from his lips. Your insides feel so full that you can’t help but lean forward to rest your dazed head against the surface in front of you.
“I want you to wreck me,” you tell him shakily, feeling delirious from the pleasure spreading throughout your body. “Just fuck me, please?”
“Fuck,” Seungkwan curses as he begins moving, taking no time to be gentle. “I can feel how much your pussy loves my cock.”
You gasp and lay your front half against the counter, your arms shaking from the grip you have on the edge. The cold material against your sensitive nipples multiplies the feeling.
“You like getting fucked like this by a stranger, hmm?” he towers over your back and whispers in your ear. “I know you wanted my cock since the first time you saw me.”
You nod wildly, trying to whine out an affirmative answer. Seungkwan’s pace is brutal, but you love it. His words send a thrill down your spine, because you know that he’s right. You did secretly want him the first time you laid eyes on him.
His pace slows down and he begins fucking you slow and deep, pushing every inch of himself against your walls. His hands run softly up and down your body, contrasting how overwhelmed you feel. He slowly pulls his cock out of you, and then slides it back in.
“Hear how soaked your pussy is?” he asks in a cocky tone. Your cunt twitches around him and he begins thrusting faster. “Who are you this wet for?”
“Y-you,” you moan out desperately. “It’s all for you.”
Seungkwan hums, satisfied with your answer. He gives your ass another slap before pulling out of you completely. A surprised gasp leaves you and you look back at him, eyes pleading silently. His hand caresses your face as he rubs a thumb against your cheek.
“You look so pretty like this, all needy and desperate,” he says with a sigh. “It would be fun to leave you here like this just to hear you beg.”
“Seungkwan,” you reply in pure shock. You turn your body around to face him and his lustful expression makes your blood run hot. At this point, all you want is him inside of you.
“Please…” you begin as you push your self back up onto the counter, sitting and spreading your legs wide open. You hook your arms under your knees to push them apart and fully display your swollen cunt to the man in front of you.
Seungkwan’s eyes roam over you, making you feel even more exposed. Without saying a word, he steps forward to lean over your body. He positions himself so that the head of his cock barely rubs against your slick pussy.
“Beg for it,” he says with a vicious smirk.
You lay your head back, focusing on the barely-there feeling of stimulation on your clit. Pride be damned, you need him inside you immediately. You prop your upper body on your elbows and look him in the eyes.
“I’ve been fantasizing about you fucking me since I met you,” you tell him, beginning to slowly wrap your legs around his waist. “I’ve been good for you, please?”
His eyelids lower and you watch his Adam’s apple move as he swallows. You finally feel him push into you, stretching you out again.
“You’re my good little slut now, right?” Seungkwan breathes out. “My pretty fucktoy.”
You moan unabashedly, your walls tightening around his fully sheathed cock. Your whole body heats up with a mixture of embarrassment and arousal.
“Yes, yes, I’m all yours, Seungkwan,” you admit with a whine. He grunts in response and tightly grips onto your thighs, spreading your legs as much as possible. As he continues thrusting, he leans down to take one of your sensitive nipples in his mouth and sucks hard. The added stimulation has you groaning, your cunt twitching wildly around him.
“Want you to cum around my cock, sweetie, okay?” he commands and quickens his pace, bringing a hand down to your clit to rub on it.
Your whole body tenses at the contact and you shudder. His lewd groans reverberating in your ear make your head spin and you instinctively wrap your legs even tighter around his waist.
“Cum inside me, p-please, Seungkwan,” you breathe out and he fucks you harder into the counter in response. His fingers quickly stroke your sensitive clit, bringing you to the brink of satisfaction.
You let the pleasure roll over your body in waves, your climax hitting you hard. In the midst of cumming you can feel Seungkwan’s cock throb and twitch as he spills his release into the condom. A soft whine leaves your throat as you feel the warmth radiating inside you.
He lets out a shaky breath, resting his forehead on your shoulder and placing his hands on your back to pull you closer. You sigh contentedly in his arms and close your eyes, waiting to make a move as you catch your breath.
After a few silent moments, Seungkwan hums as he gently pulls out of you, keeping his grip on you so you don’t fall backwards.
“Can I take you to bed?” he asks in a soft voice, taking your face in his hands. You feel your heart swell and you nod.
He smiles and pulls back from you to take the condom off and dispose of it — into your kitchen garbage. You scrunch your face without thinking and he laughs.
“Sorry, it was the nearest trash can,” he says and kisses you on the forehead.
He lifts you up off the counter and carries you bridal style out of the kitchen, finding his way to your bedroom. Your mind wanders to think about how messy your room is and how you should’ve cleaned more earlier.
“Sorry it’s messy in here,” you tell him, letting out a yawn. He flicks the light on and smiles down at you.
“Do you really think I care?” the blonde replies in a teasing voice. “I just fucked you on your kitchen counter.”
“Gross!” you say with a gasp and lightly smack him on the arm.
He lays you down onto your sheets, quickly finding a blanket and throwing it on top of you to tuck you in. His gaze wanders around your room, looking around as if he’s trying to get to know you just by your decor.
You find his hand, intertwining your fingers with his to bring his attention back to you.
“Seungkwan, will you stay the night?” you ask him with a squeeze of his hand. It’s unlike you to put your heart on the line for someone you’ve known so shortly, but it somehow feels right.
After a beat of silence, he brings your hand to his lips and kisses it.
Tags: 20k words, dub con for safety reasons, Porn with Plot, frat boy!Jeonghan, college student!y/n, best friend!Jeongyeon, soft!dom to hard!dom Jeonghan, mean!Jeonghan (and y/n loves it), submissive!y/n, female!y/n (sorry), impact play, masochist!y/n, sadist!Jeonghan, lowkey the slow-burniest part, appearances from everyone's least favorite, side-character heaven
Summary:
After Jeonghan’s confession, y/n struggles to figure out how she feels
-
You didn’t end up sleeping. Not because you were uncomfortable but because you were fighting your thoughts all night. You wanted to be sure of how you felt before you did anything but at the same time all you wanted to do was lay on Jeonghan’s chest. Hear him breathing.
You wanted to know what it was like to be intimate with him in that kind of way. Something that you knew he wanted with you. You just weren’t sure if you really felt the same way or if your simple sexual attraction to him and the intense nature of your twos’ relationship made you think you wanted him in that way.
You didn’t want to just leave Jeonghan but when you heard the other boys moving around outside Jeonghan’s door you felt like it was better than waiting for him to wake up and for him to realize that you hadn’t slept at all that night.
You changed into a different set of clothes and wondered exactly how you would be able to sneak out. However, the minute you stepped into the hallway your plans were dashed. Seungcheol was leaning against the wall. He looked up at you from beneath his bangs, raising an eyebrow in your direction.
“Well?”
You pressed your lips together, and quietly closed the door behind you.
“I don’t know,” you admitted. “How did you know I would be up?”
“I didn’t,” Seungcheol admitted, a smile flickering across his face as if you two were sharing some kind of secret. “Is Jeonghan still sleeping?”
You nodded.
“What did he tell you?”
“I don’t know if I should tell you,” you said. “It’s kind of… Personal.”
Seungcheol looked confused, and you could tell he wanted to prod more but after a few seconds of clear torment he seemed to let it go.
“Mingyu already knows you’re still here,” he said softly. “You’re not going to be able to get out easily.”
Your eyes fell to the ground, and you muttered a soft curse.
“Is there a window I can climb out of?”
It was a joke. Seungcheol laughed.
“Are you really going to leave Jeonghan without saying goodbye?”
“I don’t want to hurt him,” you said softly. “But… I have a lot of thinking to do. I can’t really…” You were saying too much. You didn’t think that Seungcheol knew how Jeonghan felt about you. “You should really talk to him yourself.”
“You have to stay for breakfast,” Seungcheol said with a shrug. “Everyone knows you’re here. You really going to risk hurting Mingyu’s feelings?”
It hadn’t occurred to you that leaving in the morning without a word would hurt more than just Jeonghan’s feelings, but now that Seungcheol mentioned it you knew he was right. God, you hated that he was right.
You could barely handle the idea of hurting Jeonghan’s feelings right now. He had been so vulnerable with you… You didn’t want him to never open up to someone ever again because of how you reacted in this situation. And you definitely didn’t want to hurt the feelings of thirteen men.
You quirked your head to the side, insinuating to Seungcheol that if he led you would follow. The moment that you stepped into the kitchen; half of the boys let out excited exclamations.
“Y/n is back!” Mingyu said excitedly. “Jeonghan has been such a dick without you around.”
You rolled your eyes at the sentiment, thinking it was odd that they were so excited to see you, when Seokmin added: “I don’t know what’s worse. Hearing you two go at it at night or having Jeonghan yell at us about the littlest things.”
“I think the latter is worse,” Jun said, a smile crossing his face. To his credit he looked genuinely surprised to see you. You supposed you hadn’t seen him at all last night. “Mingyu was over the moon at the fact you were going to be here.”
“I made porridge,” Mingyu said excitedly. He put a bowl in front of you. “Have you ever had it before?”
You laughed and shook your head. You picked up a spoon and as you went to try the food Mingyu sat down next to you, his eyes wide as he watched you.
You laughed aagain nd took a bite.
You let a dramatic pause fill the room, making sure to keep your face neutral. You could tell that it was driving him crazy to see what you were going to say.
After a minute, you smiled.
“Of course, it’s amazing.”
You wondered if this was what it was usually like for the boys of Alpha Mu. Did they get really attached to the partners one another had the way they seemed to have gotten attached to you? Even Seokmin who was clearly annoyed to have to deal with the sound of you and Jeonghan at night seemed to enjoy your company.
You wondered if any of them had stayed friends with partners after break ups.
Still, you tried not to think about it too much. You wanted to focus on less stressful things.
“There is sleeping beauty!” Minghao said, a smile crossing his lips. You looked over your shoulder to find Jeonghan standing there. His hair was messy, his eyes still a little red and puffy from sleeping. He looked annoyed, but then his eyes flickered to you and the annoyance dissipated.
Fuck, why did that just make you feel even more conflicted?
“Why do you always sleep so late?” Joshua chided. “You always make y/n come down alone.”
Jeonghan looked away from you and shrugged.
“She doesn’t mind. She’s always been good at waiting for me.”
He had said it before, but this time it felt different. You patted the spot next to you for Jeonghan to sit down.
“I do have to go soon,” you admitted. You didn’t say what you should. I waited because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But I don’t know my feelings yet. “But how can I say no to a Mingyu breakfast?”
Despite the fact you didn’t say it out loud, you had a feeling that Jeonghan could hear your thoughts. His expression dropped a little, for just a second, but you noticed. A smile crossed his lips immediately after and if you didn’t know any better you would say that he was completely fine.
You looked at Seungcheol, who pressed his lips together tightly and glanced to the side. You got the gist. You turned your eyes back to Jeonghan.
“No one would say no to a Mingyu breakfast,” Jeonghan agreed.
Breakfast wasn’t awkward but it was frustrating. You shouldn’t want it, but you really wanted Jeonghan to touch you as if he hadn’t confessed his love to you and you hadn’t not given him an answer back.
You didn’t want to admit it out loud, but you loved the way that he always had his hands on you when you two were together. Before you had thought he was just touchy, but thinking back on it you were realizing that it was actually the way he had been showing you that all his attention was on you even when it seemed like it wasn’t.
You wanted to be mad that he had thought he needed to dangle other people in your face to get your attention but thinking about it now you really hadn’t ever given him attention. You had constantly tried to leave before he woke up, never texted him or called him, never visited him where you knew he lived and only came when there was a party to crash.
No wonder he had been so desperate.
“I really should get going,” you insisted, ignoring the protests from all the boys. You rolled your eyes. “I’ll be around.”
Were you just saying that to make the others feel better or did you actually mean it?
You glanced at Jeonghan giving him a smile and a nod. Jeonghan gave you back that same convincing smile that he had been giving out all morning. You avoided eye contact with Seungcheol and started to head home.
-
When you walked into your apartment, you were surprised to find Jun and Jeongyeon waiting for you in the kitchen. You blinked, looking from Jun to the shoes that he had left at the entrance. Your mouth fell open a little.
“How did you…?” Your head fell to the side a little bit, the corner of your mouth turning up in confusion. “How did you get here before me?”
Jun waved off your confusion.
“Not important. What happened with Jeonghan?” He asked. “I thought you two weren’t talking? And then I heard you two last night-”
“How could you not tell me?” Jeongyeon blurted, a mostly exaggerated flash of hurt crossing her face. “What made you decide to start talking to Jeonghan again?”
“Well…” You trailed off as you kicked your shoes off your feet. “You know how Seungcheol came to see me? He convinced me to go to the party last night in disguise so I could see for myself that Jeonghan wasn’t sleeping with other people.”
“And?” Jeongyeon prodded. Both her and Jun were for some reason sitting on your kitchen counter and they both patted the space in between them simultaneously. You rolled your eyes but started over there.
“Well, I kind of sabotaged the plan by talking to Jeonghan and he figured out it was me,” you admitted. As soon as you had hopped up on the counter next to them, Jeongyeon hopped down. She went over to the freezer and pulled out three pint-sized cartons of ice cream. Your eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion.
“When did you…?”
“I bought these when you and Jeonghan first stopped talking,” Jeongyeon explained, handing a carton to both you and Jun along with some spoons. “I know you and Jeonghan have always been kind of emotionally detached but I wanted to prepare for the worst.”
You pressed your lips together.
That was the real problem with all of this. That right there was the real reason that this situation required so much thinking. You had been emotionally detached from Jeonghan. You had done such a good job putting Jeonghan in the Just Sex box that now you were having trouble putting him in any other box.
“Oh god, what did Jeonghan say to you?” Jeongyeon asked after you had been silent for a few moments.
“It couldn’t have been that bad,” Jun speculated. “They did have sex last night and they seemed fine at breakfast this morning.”
“Jeonghan loves me.”
Silence fell between the two. You could feel them staring at you and it only made your mind race even faster. You groaned and buried your face in your hands, leaving the cold cartoon of ice cream pressed between your thighs.
“Well, he didn’t say that but he said that,” you continued. “He told me that he’s liked me since freshmen year. That I’m too good for him. That he is so crazy about me he couldn’t deal with me not being the same level of crazy for him.”’
“No, he didn’t,” Jun said, but it wasn’t that he didn’t believe you. It was in pure astonishment.
“He said: ‘When I say that I crave you, I mean it in a way you will never fully understand’.”
Jeongyeon squealed a little next to you, reaching across your lap to hit Jun on his thigh.
“I knew it,” she said excitedly. “I called this! I knew that Jeonghan had fallen for you!”
You looked up, giving Jeongyeon a strained look. She let out a nervous laugh.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “But isn’t this a good thing?”
“I don’t know,” you admitted with a sigh. “Is it? I’m not in love with Jeonghan.”
“Maybe not,” Jeongyeon agreed. There was a long stretch of silence between the three of you. “But also… Maybe you are?”
Luckily it didn’t seem like you were the only one who thought that didn’t make sense.
“Huh?” Jun mumbled. Jeongyeon hummed, jumping off the counter to head over to the living room. You and Jun followed her in tow. Jeongyeon sat on the couch, Jun on the arm of the couch, and you on the floor.
“Like… You’re not in love with him. Of course not, because when boundaries are in front of you, you don’t cross them,” Jeongyeon started. As she spoke you took a spoonful of ice cream. To give Jeongyeon credit where it was due: She knew you the best out of anyone. How did she remember what your favorite ice cream flavor was? “But I mean… You did cross the boundary a little. Didn’t you?”
Maybe she didn’t know you as well as you thought.
“No, I didn’t-”
“That day you were telling me that Jeonghan was going to sleep with Chaedom and told you not to come over you went over, didn’t you?” She pressed. You fell silent. “Right. And why did you care so much anyways?”
“I didn’t care,” you mumbled. “It was just annoying… I don’t know- I really wanted him that day.”
“Gross,” Jun mumbled. You and Jeongyeon ignored him.
“But didn’t you wonder why?” Jeongyeon continued. “I mean, even after that you didn’t seem to want him as badly as you did then. Why did you want him so badly that day?”
Jeongyeon was raising some great questions, but before you could try to answer them, she was continuing.
“And don’t you think it’s weird that you do all these mundane things with him?” Jeongyeon asked. “Like you’ve had fuck buddies before. Small flings, whatever they didn’t mean anything.”
“Yeah,” you agreed. Jeongyeon’s eyes widened a little and she gestured towards you as if she was trying to make you realize something.
“They didn’t mean anything,” Jeongyeon emphasized. “You didn’t wait for them to wake up or eat breakfast with them. You definitely didn’t end up shopping with them, or staying the night when you two weren’t actively sleeping together.”
“That’s-” Such a good point. “Just because they weren’t persistent like Jeonghan is.”
“Y/n, open your eyes,” Jeongyeon insisted. “You don’t do things you don’t want to do.”
You hadn’t really known Jeonghan for very long at this point, but Jeongyeon’s persistence made you fall silent regardless. She was right. Of course, she was right.
You had been so focused on not liking Jeonghan that you had been ignoring the obvious signs that you did like him. Maybe not love- How could you be in love with Jeonghan so quickly after all, but you did really care for him didn’t you?
If it had been one of your old flings you wouldn’t be so hesitant to break their heart. It would have been easy for you to brush them off and tell them you didn’t feel that way. But you cared about Jeonghan’s feelings.
Fuck, how had you gotten here?
Jeonghan had been frustrated because you weren’t crazy about him the way he was you but weren’t you a little? You had been so jealous of Chaedom, and the only reason that you were so nonchalant about him sleeping with other people was because he had always returned to you. There had been no doubt in your mind that you meant more to him than everyone else at some point. Even if you didn’t think it was love.
Normally that should have been a red flag. You could easily find a different fuck buddy, but Jeonghan had made you feel special even while he was just a fling. Isn’t that what made it so different with him?
“How did this happen?” You asked softly. You groaned and buried your face in your hands. “I mean I know he loves me but Yoon Jeonghan? What if… I don’t know what if he gets bored?”
“I mean, I’m hardly the expert,” Jun interjected. “But isn’t that a fear when getting into any relationship?”
“Which is why I am not looking for a relationship!” You replied. “Because I don’t want those fears. What if he gets bored? What if we break up? What if he still wants to be with other people?”
“He already said that he doesn’t want to date other people. Remember? That was what started all of this in the first place.”
You pursed your lips. Fuck.
“What are your qualms with really being with Jeonghan?” Jun asked. “Like, really?”
“I already said,” you replied. “What if he gets bored of me or what if we don’t work out or-”
“Not in general, of specifically being with Jeonghan,” Jun interrupted. “Like what specific things about Jeonghan worry you? Do you not think that he will be nice to you?”
“What?” You blurted. “Of course, he would be nice to me. Jeonghan is always nice to me.”
“So, you just don’t think he’s ready for a relationship,” Jeongyeon joined in.
“No,” you disagreed again. “I think that Jeonghan has been wanting a relationship for a lot longer than he realizes.”
You shifted a little.
“Do you two not get along emotionally?” Jun prodded.
“Jeonghan can read me really well,” you replied with a shake of your head. “I think that we get along fine.”
“Then what?” Jeongyeon pressed. “What is the grand reason that you are worried that Jeonghan and you would be bad together?”
“Me,” you blurted. Jeongyeon and Jun shared matching wide eyed expressions. “It’s me, okay?”
You looked down into your lap unsurely.
“Jeonghan’s been in love with me since freshmen year,” you said. “That is years of looking at me and filling in the gaps of my personality that he didn’t know and that means that a large part of what he likes about me is just what he hopes I’m like.”
“That’s not-”
“And if that’s not even true what is true is that Jeonghan knows for sure that he is ready to date me. That’s why he admitted he liked me. But yesterday if you had asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship, I would have said no.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
“It’s unfair of me to date him when I’m not ready for a relationship. The problem isn’t Jeonghan. It’s never been Jeonghan. The problem is me. I haven’t been in a relationship for longer than a few months ever. Even the very few people that have been nice to me…”
You trailed off, thinking.
“Hwanwoong… Gunhak…” You strained to think of more. “That’s it. Those are the only two people who have really liked me and maybe been willing to marry me and I got scared and I broke up with them.”
You groaned and fell forward into your hands.
“I can’t hurt Jeonghan guys. Who cares about the others? I can’t hurt Jeonghan.”
Jeongyeon and Jun were quiet for a little bit. In fact, it stretched on for so long that you forced yourself to look back up at them, your hands dragging down your cheeks in frustration.
“Well?” You blurted. “I just barred out my heart and you two aren’t going to say anything?”
Again, they were quiet for a little too long and you dropped your head back into your hands.
“Fuck.”
“It’s just…” Jeongyeon’s words dragged you up out of your hands. “You’ve never… I just… You always acted like you just really didn’t care about relationships. I didn’t realize…”
“Yeah.”
There was silence, before suddenly, Jun broke it.
“Y/n, you’re really stupid.”
“Jun,” Jeongyeon hissed, and you heard him audibly get hit. You looked up at the two in surprise.
“What? She is,” he insisted. “And you are too! You both are really stupid.”
He looked over at you, shoving his hand forward.
“Who cares if you don’t think you are ready for a relationship? No one goes into a relationship knowing for sure that they are going to marry the person they are dating. That’s the hope but not the fact,” he insisted bluntly. “And the fact that you even care about this is just proof that you do care about him.”
“That’s not-”
“You just don’t want to lose him!” Jun interrupted. “If you didn’t care about Jeonghan then this wouldn’t matter at all. You like having sex with him? Say you like him, and you can keep having sex. Who cares about breaking a few hearts on the way?”
“I’m not a monster, Jun,” you said slightly offended by what he was saying.
“I’m just saying you broke up with the others easy right? But you so desperately care about Jeonghan you don’t even want to tell him that you don’t like him.”
Jun leaned back on the couch.
“Maybe I don’t know anything,” he mumbled. “But that sounds like love to me.”
You pressed your lips together.
“That…” You groaned and dropped your head into your hands again. “I just… I really don’t want to hurt him.”
“Stop being stupid,” Jun said, this time reaching over and physically hitting you. “Jeonghan can handle being hurt. And you’re preparing for a storm that you don’t even know is coming. Just do what every other idiot on the planet does and date the guy you like.”
You knew Jun was right.
God, you couldn’t believe that you were getting genuinely good advice from Moon Junhui.
“Jeongyeon-” You looked over at her with a wide and frustrated expression. She had a mostly blank look on her face and she just shook her head.
“I can’t… I can’t say anything, he’s right,” she said in awe. “I mean… Just think about it. Jimin and I dived into a relationship even though I’m pretty sure neither of us really know where it’s going to go. But I mean… I’m not scared.”
“How can you not be scared?” You pressed.
“Because it’s Jimin,” Jeongyeon replied. “The scariest thing I did was admit that I have real feelings for a fuck buddy. Now we’re both in the same boat where we both like each other and we both want to stay together… That’s what matters. Not the possibility of a breakup.”
“Look, this is easy for both of you-” you insisted, but it made Jun hit you again.
“It’s easy for you too! Do you or do you not like Jeonghan?” Jun asked.
“No,” you said stubbornly.
“Right,” Jun replied sarcastically. “That’s why you are thinking about this so much. Just call him y/n.”
Before you could respond Jun walked over to you, digging your phone out of your pocket and shoving it into your hands.
“I can’t tell him that I like him over the phone,” you hissed back. “Okay, I relent. I like Jeonghan. I like his attention; I like his touch sexual or not. I… I want to be close to him. I want to see him every day. It’s thrilling being at a party where everyone wants him but I know at the end of the night he will be with me.”
You knew you didn’t have to say it.
“I just... I can’t tell him over the phone. I’ll go see him…” You trailed off. “But not today. Later. I have to think about what I’m going to say right?”
-
Was that just an excuse to avoid having to talk to Jeonghan? Yes, yes it was.
Because sure Jeonghan liked you, and sure you liked him, and sure you shouldn’t be scared that this wasn’t going to last but you were scared of it anyways and you didn’t have to think about it. Not yet. Not until you talked to him.
So… You just decided to push off talking to him.
And if it were any better, (your impending Psych degree said it wasn’t) you weren’t talking to anyone. Not Jeonghan, not Yeongtae, not Jeongyeon… Not until your phone started buzzing against your table while you were deep in your psych book.
You slid open the phone, wincing when your ear was hit with loud noises.
“Yeongtae?” You mumbled.
“Not Yeongtae. But calling on behalf of him.” There was silence for a little. “You’re y/n, his only friend right?”
You sighed, were people starting to know you for that reason?
“Yeah, that’s me. Yeongtae’s only friend.”
“He just threw up in a sink at a party. Can you come get him? He keeps saying that you’re the only one who would be willing to come get him.”
“He’s at a party on a Wednesday?”
The person on the other end of the phone, made a sound of offense.
“I’m also at a party on a Wednesday.” You two were quiet for a while. “Are you going to pick him up or not?”
You sighed and closed your textbook. What choice did you really have?
“Yeah, I’ll come get him.”
-
Your first thought upon getting to the party was that there were way too many people there for a Wednesday. Seriously, who went to a party on a Wednesday?
You wormed through the crowd, avoiding as much eye contact with people as you could.
“Y/n.”
You ignored the calls, immediately recognizing that whoever it was wasn’t Yeongtae.
But the ignoring was pointless.
“Y/n-” The boys voice came again. Louder. Whinier. You rolled your eyes and turned around in time for someone to collide into you. You both stumbled, making the boys head pop up out of your chest. He looked a little dizzy. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall into you.”
You frowned, squinting your eyes.
“Yeonjun?”
“Yeonjun!” He cheered loudly, throwing his hands in the air. The momentum splashed some of his beer out of the top of the cup in his hand and he jumped to the side to avoid it. You raised an eyebrow towards him. “Y/n, I’m so glad you’re here because I need to know how it went with Jeonghan.”
He took a swig of his drink and then his eyes widened.
“I’m so rude-” He thrust his cup forward. “Drink!”
You smiled at him.
“You know, I don’t want any but-” As you spoke you took the cup. “I’m going to take this away from you because I think you have had enough.”
A pout crossed Yeonjun’s lips, and he half-heartedly chased the drink. He gave up however once you had it pulled close to you.
“Why are you here if not to drink?” He asked.
“Looking for Yeongtae,” you replied. Yeonjun’s eyebrows furrowed deeply.
“Yeongtae?”
You raised your hand to Yeongtae’s height.
“This tall… Uh, mullet? I think. Long face?”
Yeonjun looked at you completely lost, and you sighed waving your hands in the air dismissively.
“Yeah, I just, I have to pick him up,” you mumbled. “Unfortunately, he’s my responsibility. He has no friends.”
“If he has no friends, how did he get invited to this party?” Yeonjun asked, with a genuinely confused expression on his face. You pressed your lips together and nodded slowly.
“You know what? Great question,” you agreed. “I really do have to look for Yeongtae. Are you…” You trailed off and gestured to the party around you. “Do you have anyone to get your home?”
“I have friends,” Yeonjun said cryptically. You frowned, but before you could say more Yeonjun was disappearing into the crowd of people.
Weird.
You turned and just as you did you caught a glimpse of the absolute last person that you wanted to see at this party.
Fuck, Yunjun.
You spun around on your heel, instantly desperate to disappear into the crowd, but you knew that Yunjun had seen you.
Yeongtae would be fine without you right? Maybe you could come get him from this place in the morning. Surely Yunjun wouldn’t be here at 8am. Maybe-
“Y/n-”
You resisted the urge to hit yourself in the face. Instead, you just pressed both of your eyes tightly shut and completely froze, hoping that Yunjun would go away. A hand landed on your shoulder.
You forced a smile across your lips, and turned around, shrugging the hand off of you.
“Yunjun,” you said. “How lucky am I to see you again so soon?”
Your enthusiasm wasn’t quite reaching your voice and Yunjun seemed to notice it. He reached forward, fisting his fingers into your shirt and pulled you sharply forward. Your eyes widened.
“Woah-”
Yunjun’s lips quirked up into a smile once you were close to him. His eyes narrowed a little.
“You haven’t been drinking,” he observed. “There’s the y/n that I know.”
You forced your lips into a larger smile and pressed your hands to Yunjun’s shoulders pushing him away with as much strength as you could muster.
“We aren’t doing this,” you said with a laugh. “Like. Really. We aren’t doing this.”
You weren’t sure exactly what it was about this. Was it the fact that it was a party on a Wednesday? Was it the fact that you were there to pick up Yeongtae? Or maybe it was the fact that you knew that someone liked you. The fact that you knew that if you wanted you could be with Jeonghan right now. Sitting on the Alpha Mu living room floor fucking around with legos while Jun begged Minghao for a house cat.
You wanted that. You really, really, wanted that because if that was your life right now you wouldn’t care about your stupid ex at a party. You wouldn’t have been so stressed this weekend and to top it all of you wouldn’t be here at this party picking up Yeongtae alone.
So, you figured, in the end it was that. Your own stupidity that was actually pushing you to speak to Yunjun like this. You were so fucking mad at yourself and you had no one to take it out on because even stupid Yeongtae just meant the best.
But Yunjun?
You had been waiting for ages to tear into him.
And if you were too stupid to simply have a conversation with Jeonghan, you were certainly too stupid to start an argument with Yunjun at a party.
Yunjun’s eyebrows furrowed, the corner of his lips dropping.
“What?”
“I’m not even supposed to be at this party,” you replied. “And you haven’t talked to me in months. Not really. Why would I willingly walk into this?”
Yunjun looked a bit confused. Probably because he was starting to realize that this wasn’t some bit that you were playing as foreplay.
“You can’t keep pretending like you don’t want me,” Yunjun said, but he sounded uncertain. You narrowed your eyebrows at him.
“I don’t want you,” you insisted. “I am not yours anymore and I was barely yours when I was.”
You saw a flicker of irritation go across Yunjun’s face and you knew that you were poking a bear. Honestly, you didn’t really care.
“I can’t really figure out what was worse about you actually. Your ego or the fact that you never made me come even once.”
“Y/n, you better watch your mouth-”
“Or what Yunjun? What are you going to do?” You asked. “What could you possibly do to me in a room full of people?”
You were very aware that you were letting your anger towards your unsure feelings towards Jeonghan get to you and you were very aware that you didn’t really care. But you also were aware of the fact that you would need a quick way out of this situation. You slid your phone out of your pocket, glancing at the screen as you pulled up the contact that you needed.
“Y/n, if you’re trying to play a brat right now you aren’t doing it well,” Yunjun warned.
“Do I look like I’m playing a brat?” You asked him. “Just because someone is finally telling you that you suck doesn’t mean that I’m playing a brat.”
You glanced back down at your phone; the call being picked up practically immediately.
“Y/n you have exactly two seconds to apologize to me,” Yunjun said, and his voice was low. Scary. “Or I’m going to show you exactly what I will do to you in a room full of people who- For your information are not looking at you and are so drunk they won’t notice anything.”
Wordlessly you shoved your phone against Yunjun’s ear, forcing it into his hands. At first Yunjun looked confused, but he took the phone, his eyebrows furrowing.
“Hello?”
He was silent for a moment.
“This is Yunjun, who the fuck is this?” There was some silence. “No.” More silence. More frustration from Yunjun. “It’s not my fault-” He stopped and sighed heavily. “Then why aren’t you here?”
Whatever was said next seemed to do the trick. Yunjun gave you a frustrated look.
“I’m sorry.”
His words were quiet but before you said that he rolled his eyes moving your phone slightly away from his ear.
“I said I’m sorry,” he said louder. He turned his head so that it was clear he was talking to the phone again. “Is that better?”
After a few more moments of silence, he looked at you, pushing your phone back into your hands.
“You…” He looked like he wanted to say more but he didn’t. He just shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Not fucking worth it.”
And then he walked away. You pressed your lips tightly together and glanced down at your phone for a few seconds before bringing the screen to your face. Despite the roar of the party, you could hear the breathing on the other end of the phone very clearly.
“Thank you.”
Your voice was a bit quiet, and you were practically withholding breathing so that you wouldn’t miss the next thing that was said.
“You’re welcome.”
More wasn’t said.
“I…” You were hesitant. “I’m not drunk I just… I was a little angry and I needed some back up.” There was another small stretch of silence. “I don’t usually go to parties on Wednesday’s but I-”
“You don’t have to explain to me why you’re at a party on a Wednesday. And if you wanted to get drunk at a party you know I wouldn’t judge you for that.”
“I know Jeonghan,” you said, and you could hear the desperation in your voice as you spoke. “I just… I want you to know that I really don’t mean to…” Fuck. “I really want to talk to you about it I just…”
“It’s okay,” he replied, but his voice was a little strained. “Take all the time you need.”
Now was a good time for you to hang up the phone.
“Jeonghan can you…” Don’t ask. “Can you pick me up?”
There was shuffling on Jeonghan’s end as soon as the words left your mouth.
“I’ll be there in ten.”
Well, that gave you ten minutes to find Yeongtae.
-
When Jeonghan pulled up to the house you were sitting directly next to a very drunk Yeongtae who you had found in the kitchen with his head dunked in the sink. Jeonghan rolled down the passenger seat window and took one glance at you two before sighing.
“Come on.”
You wrapped your fingers around Yeongtae’s biceps and dragged him up with you, also supporting him by his elbow. He stumbled next to you, and you struggled to keep him upright.
“Yeongtae,” you urged softly. He glanced up at you. “I know that you like to make my life miserable, but I still haven’t talked to Jeonghan and he is here to pick me… Us up okay? So don’t say anything stupid.”
“It’s not my fault if I say something,” Yeongtae replied, his words comically slurred. “You should have already talked to him. It’s been weeks.”
“It’s been like four days,” you argued back. “Now I’m serious. Be cool.”
You dragged Yeongtae over to Jeonghan’s car, and pulled open the back seat, pushing him in. Yeongtae groaned when his face hit the car seat and you scooted in next to him. You closed the door behind you and tried to wrestle Yeongtae upright in the seat beside you. Jeonghan was quiet as you situated Yeongtae in the seat, clicking the seatbelt across his chest.
Yeongtae’s head drifted to the side and his head bumped against the car window. He groaned.
“I’m sorry to ask,” you said, leaning forward. “I just- Well, I was studying and Yeongtae needed someone to pick him up.”
Jeonghan glanced over at you over his shoulder.
“You don’t have to explain it to me,” he said softly. You placed your hand on the center console of the car, which gave Jeonghan the opportunity to take your hand in his. He pulled you forward a little bit by your hand and a small smile flickered across his lips.
“No matter what our relationship becomes, no matter what you say to me, you can always call me if you need anything,” he said softly. “I really don’t want you to think that you ever need to apologize to me for anything.”
You were quiet for a little bit, looking at Jeonghan’s hand in yours.
“You told me that you’ve liked me since freshmen year and I just… Left.”
“At least you stayed for breakfast,” he replied. You couldn’t help the way that it caused a smile tug at the corner of your lips. Still though, you felt bad. “Where am I taking you and your dashing secret boyfriend?”
He laughed and gave your hand a squeeze. You ignored the secret boyfriend comment. He deserved to take jabs at your relationship with Yeongtae given the current circumstance.
“Can you take me to my place?” You asked him softly. “Yeongtae doesn’t have a roommate and I hate his place.”
Jeonghan’s hand left yours and he shifted the cars’ gear.
“Put your seat belt on,” he said. You nodded and leaned back into the seat, putting on your seat belt as you were told.
“I wasn’t going to come out,” you repeated softly. Even though Jeonghan told you that you didn’t have to explain you felt like you needed to. “It’s just that Yeongtae’s been trying so hard to make friends that he’s been going out a lot and, you know, he has no friends so when he got super drunk today, they called me. And I was just going to walk him home but-”
“You ran into Yunjun,” Jeonghan filled in. You nodded, even though Jeonghan couldn’t see you.
“I just didn’t have anyone else to call,” you said, but that wasn’t exactly true. You didn’t know what to say to Jeonghan about his confession. But you knew what you wanted to say.
… No you didn’t. You thought you knew what you wanted to say. You had the idea of what you wanted to say. You just didn’t know how to say it yet. All you knew was that you did have other people you could have called. You just chose to call Jeonghan because you wanted an excuse to see him.
That wasn’t fair. Jeonghan deserved a real response.
“Jeonghan,” you said softly. “I have a question that I shouldn’t really ask you.”
He glanced at you from in the rearview mirror.
“Ask it,” he said softly. You glanced away from him and looked at Yeongtae beside you. His face was red, and still pressed up against the window. He was sweating a little. You reached over, brushing his hair out of his face and pressing the back of your hand to his forehead so that you could feel the heat through your hand.
“Have you ever wanted a real relationship before?”
He was quiet for a second.
“No,” he replied. You glanced at the back of his head. “The only person who has ever made me want something serious is you.”
The car went over a pothole, and it made Yeongtae hit his head on the window. He groaned and tipped forward. You caught him with a hand to his chest.
“Woah.”
“Why did you let me drink so much?” Yeongtae groaned out. “I just wanted to impress Chaeryeong from Bio.”
You patted his back.
“For one, I had no control over how much you drank,” you commented. Yeongtae let out another groan, letting his head tip into your chest. You sighed and patted his head. “I’m sure Chaeryeong was really impressed when she saw you throwing up in the sink.”
You heard Jeonghan let out a small, amused huff from the front seat and you glanced up at him.
“Y/n, I feel so miserable,” Yeongtae whined, drawing your eyes back down to him.
“That’s your own fault, you idiot.”
You didn’t live very far away from the party and after only a few more minutes of bickering between you and Yeongtae Jeonghan was putting the car in park at the curb of your place. You unbuckled yourself and got out. You walked around to Yeongtae’s side of the car and opened the door, unbuckling him too. You ducked your head under Yeongtae’s arm, pulling him out of the car.
“Tell Jeonghan thank you,” you murmured.
“Thank you Jeonghan,” Yeongtae pressed out. “I know you hate me, but I really think that we are like friends you know?”
Jeonghan looked back at you two and you could tell from his expression that he didn’t agree. His eyes flickered up to you. You shot him a just play along with it expression and he sighed.
“Sure,” he replied tightly. “Friends.”
You mouthed thank you back at him and pulled Yeongtae out of the car, kicking the door shut with the back of your foot. You struggled to get Yeongtae over to the front door and once you got there you leaned Yeongtae against the wall so that you could get your keys out.
“Y/n.”
You look back over your shoulder at Jeonghan who had his window rolled down.
“Come here.”
You glanced at Yeongtae who looked… Stable, at the very least and then walked back over to Jeonghan’s car. You hid your hands behind your back.
“Yeah?”
Jeonghan looked frustrated by your distance, but he didn’t voice it.
“I just want you to know that I meant everything I said back then, and I meant everything I said tonight. It’s okay if you never give me an answer. I don’t care, I really don’t. What I really care about is you.”
He let his head fall to the side.
“I was so glad that you called me tonight. Even if it doesn’t mean you like me back… You remember what I said about… Reassurance?” he asked softly. You nodded. “You trust me. Even if you don’t like me the way I like you. You trust me. That’s all I care about.”
You felt your heart thudding in your chest.
“Jeonghan I-”
“Yeongtae is falling.”
Your eyes widened and you rushed back over to Yeongtae who was in fact sliding down the wall. You caught him by his bicep and pulled him back up to his feet. When you turned around Jeonghan’s lips were pressed into a small smile.
“I’m serious,” he called over to you. “You never have to respond to my confession if you don’t want to. I just want you in my life. That’s all.”
Before you could reply, Jeonghan raised a hand in Yeongtae’s direction.
“Hope you’re okay tomorrow Yeongtae.”
Yeongtae looked up, the biggest smile spreading across his lips.
“Goodbye best friend!” He exclaimed loudly. Jeonghan’s expression morphed into a slightly strained one and then before you could say anything else to him Jeonghan was driving away. You looked at the spot his car had been, completely forgetting about your plans to get back upstairs for a moment.
Then, you were very aware of the fact that Yeongtae was quite loudly sobbing on you.
“How long are you going to make Jeonghan wait?” Yeongtae cried out, and you looked down at him to see very real tears running down his face. “He’s my best friend and I love him so much.”
You gaped at the crying boy.
“Everyone with two eyes… No anyone with even one eye- no eyes! knows that you love Jeonghan. Just tell him already. Date him, he’s the perfect guy, and then finally we’ll be able to hang out without you because he won’t have to pretend to hate me.”
You fought the urge to tell Yeongtae that Jeonghan hadn’t been pretending when he said he hated him before and you immensely regretted the fact that you let Yeongtae be so involved with your life. You had called him after talking to Jun and Jeongyeon to tell him everything only for him to tell you the same things that they were. Annoying.
“We better get you inside,” was all you said.
-
“So… It’s Friday.”
You looked up at Yeongtae, your eyebrows furrowing at him.
“Yep,” you agreed. You were trying to read.
“It’s been a week since Jeonghan confessed to you and you haven’t even seen him since.”
“That’s not true,” you denied with a sigh. “We saw him Wednesday.”
Yeongtae’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“We did…?” He struggled to recall the memory for a moment before shaking his head. “Not the point- “Look, y/n you have to talk to him. You can’t keep avoiding him.”
You actually could keep avoiding him. In fact, nothing but pure decency was stopping you from doing so.
But, regardless, you knew what Yeongtae meant. You still didn’t give Yeongtae an answer. You looked back down at your book, willing Yeongtae and his common sense to go away.
“I heard he’s going to be at a non-Alpha Mu party tonight,” Yeongtae continued, completing ignoring your silent wishes. “You should really go.”
“He probably doesn’t even want me there,” you said, but you both knew that wasn’t true. “He hates it when I just come see him at parties.”
“Then start seeing him outside of parties,” Yeongtae said with a roll of his eyes. “But you can’t keep avoiding him. Avoidance hurts more than anything else.”
You knew he was right. You hated that he was right. You were the pysch major. You were the one that was supposed to know, be right, and act upon these things. But instead, you were being the wildly unhealthy one.
“Should you be going to parties right now?” You asked him, trying to divert the attention away from yourself. “You don’t seem to have good alcohol tolerance.”
Yeongtae feigned offense, but he didn’t really fall for your diversion.
“I’m trying to get a social circle,” Yeongtae replied, a pout crossing his lips. “You met me at a party. You met Jeonghan at a party. I’m trying to meet my Jeonghan at a party.”
You stared at him.
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m not…” You felt frustrated. “I’m trying to read Yeongtae.”
Yeongtae snatched the book out of your hands and squinted at it.
“Is this a romance?” He asked you. “You are living a romance. Why are you reading about one instead of living yours?”
You snatched the book back from Yeongtae and hit him hard on the shoulder with it. He let out a very loud and audible grunt.
“Y/n!” He protested. “I really don’t know why Jeonghan likes you you’re so mean.”
There was a pout on his lips, and you ignored it. You opened your book back up, thumbing through the pages to try and get back to where you were. Before you could get far, however, the book was being taken away from you again.
“You are not sitting in this apartment another night avoiding your feelings like an idiot,” Yeongtae insisted. He opened up your window and before you could stop him he threw your book out of the window.
“Yeongtae what the-”
You rushed over to the window, just in time to see the book audibly hit the ground.
“You can’t just-”
Yeongtae grabbed you by your wrist and he tugged you away from the window.
“We’re going,” he said pointedly.
“He might not even be there!” You protested loudly.
“He’s going to be there,” Yeongtae argued.
“He never goes to non-Alpha Mu parties,” you argued back.
“They are all going to be there.”
“No, they aren’t.”
Yeongtae pulled out his phone, and pointedly pulled up a contact that said Seungcheol. He put the phone on speaker and you two stood there, staring at each other as the phone rang and rang and-
“Your call can not to be completed as dialed, Choi-”
Yeongtae’s face dusted pink and he ended the line before immediately calling again. The phone rang and rang and-
“Your call can not-“
Yeongtae’s face reddened and he immediately called again. This time the call rang three more times before finally someone picked up.
“Hello…? Who-”
“Seungcheol!” Yeongtae said quickly. “Hey, it’s Yeongtae and-”
“Yeongtae?” You could hear Seungcheol’s confusion. “How did you get my phone number?”
Yeongtae laughed, clearly trying to save face in front of you.
“We’re friends!”
“We’re not friends,” Seungcheol protested. You huffed out a laugh. Apparently a mistake. “Is that… Is y/n with you?”
Your eyes widened and you shook your head quickly trying to tell Yeongtae not to tell Seungcheol you were there.
“Yes it is!” Yeongtae replied. “Say hi y/n.”
You shut your eyes in frustration and silence strung out between the three of you. Silence that went on for a full minute before you finally broke it.
“Hi Cheol,” you mumbled reluctantly. You both heard some whispering on the other end of the phone.
“What are you two… Shut up, shut up they’re going to hang up- What are you two calling about?”
“I’m trying to force y/n to the party,” Yeongtae replied. “But she doesn’t believe that you are all even going to be there.”
More talking over the phone, it was somewhat muffled but you could make out what was being said.
“This is good, we want her at the party.”
“Would Jeonghan want her to see him like this?”
“It doesn’t matter- they need to-“
You could hear the audible sound of Seungcheol leaving whatever room he was in.
“Yeongtae’s right, we’re actually... Jeonghan’s already at the party.”
Seungcheol fell silent, but Yeongtae was taking his words in stride. He had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, and you could practically hear him saying I told you so.
You snatched Yeongtae’s phone from him and covered the speaker on it.
“I am not going to the party. This is humiliating,” you hissed. “It’s bad enough people are starting to associate you and me as friends-”
“We are friends, and I know that you aren’t really embarrassed of me,” Yeongtae argued back. He was right, you were friends, and you weren’t embarrassed of him, but the slightly offended expression on his face was too funny for you not to keep the joke going.
“What would Jeonghan do if he found out that I only came to the party because you dragged me there.”
“He doesn’t care.” Seungcheol’s voice came muffled from the phone. “Y/n, he just wants to hear from you.”
Everyone on the phone call knew that wasn’t true. He definitely would care if Yeongtae was the one that finally got you to come to the party. And honestly, you didn’t blame him. If Jeonghan was doing the same thing you were doing with Yeongtae with Chaedom…? You would be mad too.
Of course, there was one stark difference between Chaedom and Yeongtae and that was that Yeongtae genuinely didn’t want to fuck you, but Chaedom definitely did want to fuck Jeonghan.
“Y/n.”
You looked up from the phone to find that Yeongtae was looking at you. His expression was more serious than you had ever seen it before. Every single trace of humor gone from his face despite having been there moments ago.
“You can’t stop avoiding him. You’re going to regret it. You know you’re going to regret it. You have to go see him.”
Again silence strung out between the three of you. You repressed the urge to sigh and nodded once.
“Okay, yeah.” You looked down at Yeongtae’s phone as if you could look at Seungcheol. “Can you text Yeongtae the details? We can be there soon.”
You could see the small smile that crossed Seungcheol’s face even though you couldn’t see him.
“Okay, see you two soon.”
The line disconnected and you shot Yeongtae an annoyed glare.
“I really didn’t want to go to a party this week,” you mumbled. Yeongtae shot you a smile.
“Guess you should’ve put that psych degree to work earlier then.”
-
When you and Yeongtae got to the party, you did the obvious thing and immediately abandoned him at the door. You didn’t think that he was expecting you to hang out with him longer but if he was than it didn’t matter at all because you were gone so fast that he couldn’t stop you even if he wanted to.
After all, if you were going to be forced to a non-Alpha Mu party because you needed to talk to Jeonghan you weren’t going to put off talking to Jeonghan. The longer that you avoided talking to Jeonghan while at a party was really just… The longer you had to be at a party.
Besides, you missed Jeonghan.
Did you deserve to miss him after you had ignored him for so long? Not really. But you missed him regardless.
You didn’t spot Jeonghan, not first. But you did spot someone from Alpha Mu pretty fast.
“Hey,” you said, waving down Soonyoung. He turned to you, his lips turning up into a huge smile.
“Y/n!” He said excitedly. He grabbed onto the shoulders of the boy next to him. “Woo! It’s y/n!”
Wonwoo sent a tired smile your way.
“It’s good you’re here,” he said. “I thought you and Jeonghan had made up?”
“Uh,” you weren’t really sure what to say. “It’s complicated.”
It wasn’t really.
“Where’s Jeonghan?” You asked, ignoring the slightly dazed expression that was now on Soonyoung’s face. He turned his attention and jumped excitedly, grabbing someone else beside him.
“Y/n’s here!” He exclaimed again, laughing loudly. You couldn’t help the chuckle that ran through you, and the tired smile on Wonwoo’s face deepened.
“Jeonghan is… Unfortunately, fighting for his life against Chaedom,” Wonwoo said. You felt a pang run through your body at her name, and you tried and failed to keep your reaction hidden from Wonwoo.
He rolled his eyes.
“You two are ridiculous,” he mumbled, and you really almost didn’t hear it over the roar of the party. Wonwoo pointed through the crowd, towards the stairs. You tried to ignore the heaviness in your chest and instead focused on worming through the crowd. Part of you had wished that Wonwoo had taken you to Jeonghan himself, but those thoughts dissipated when you spotted Jeonghan and Chaedom.
Jeonghan had a red solo cup in hand, uncharacteristic, and Chaedom draped over his side. To his credit, he didn’t look like he particularly wanted her there.
You made your way over to them, clearing your throat when you were close enough that you thought they could hear. Both of them looked up at the sound, whatever secret conversation they were having seeming to die.
Jeonghan’s lips quirked up in a tired smile, while Chaedom just rolled her eyes, and rolled herself onto Jeonghan’s body.
“Hannie,” she purred. “Why are we still down here? Let’s go to a room, huh?”
You fought the urge to tear her off of Jeonghan yourself and it was genuinely taking all of your willpower to not do so.
“Y/n.” As Jeonghan spoke he pushed at Chaedom’s face, his cup falling to the ground and splashing alcohol all over their feet. Chaedom squealed pulling away from him, which was something that he took in stride.
He stumbled over to you, dropping his entire body weight onto you. You grunted as you tried to catch him, stumbling as well. Luckily, you were able to steady the two of you. Jeonghan swung his face to meet yours, a smile crossing his lips.
“Why are you here?” He asked you. You could smell the alcohol on his lips, and you frowned. You pulled away from him, your thumb going to his bottom lip. You pulled his lip down your eyebrows furrowing as the alcohol scent grew stronger.
“Were you drinking?” You asked. He whined, quiet loudly honestly, and his head fell into the crook of your neck.
“No.”
“You’re lying,” you bit back. You pushed Jeonghan’s head back, giving him an annoyed look. “I thought you were done lying to me.”
“I couldn’t help it,” Jeonghan admitted. “I can tell you’re mad at me. I hate it when you’re mad at me.”
“I get mad when you lie to me,” you replied, pointedly.
“You can’t get mad at him for drinking.”
You sent a glare towards the offending girl which only resulted in Chaedom placing her hands on Jeonghan’s back. She patted Jeonghan, her fingers curling in the fabric of Jeonghan’s shirt. She tugged on him.
“I wouldn’t be mad at you for drinking, Jeonghan.”
You rolled your eyes, tugging him away from her.
“Chaedom, you’re about to make me mad,” you snapped. “I think that if Jeonghan wanted to spend time with you he would have done so already.”
Jeonghan didn’t seem to care about the conversation that you two were having. Instead, he tightened his grip around you.
“Y/n,” he mumbled into your skin. You felt a shiver run through your body as the words vibrated over you. You pushed Jeonghan back again by his forehead.
“Jeonghan,” you replied, an eyebrow raising in his direction. “It isn’t like you to get drunk.”
His lips were stretched down into a frown, and it was in this light that you could see how red his cheeks were.
“It’s been a week, y/n,” he mumbled. “I’ve been waiting for you for a week.” He thought back over what he said and sighed. “Two days since I’ve seen you… A week since I confessed… Wednesday doesn’t really count.”
Pain panged through your heart at Jeonghan’s words, and you blinked in surprise. You opened your mouth to say something to him. Apologize maybe… Something.
Instead, before you could, Jeonghan tipped his head back into the nap of your neck.
“You know, I don’t even care if you like me back,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Just need you to stop doing this to me. Stop leaving me.”
The party around you felt quiet in this moment.
“I think I should get you home,” you mumbled softly. Jeonghan protested against you.
“No, we’re at a party,” he protested. “Chan is going to be so mad if I leave. He wanted me to come here.”
“I think Chan will understand if you leave,” you said back. “I won’t take you back home, okay? I’ll bring you over to my place.”
Getting Jeonghan back to your place was a hassle, mostly in that no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t shake Chaedom off of your tail.
“You can’t get him back alone.” She pointed out. You tried to turn the attention away from her and get one of the boys to help you but as you were trying to get their attention Chaedom was dragging Jeonghan out of the party.
You cursed and rushed out to them.
“Chaedom.”
Her smile was sickeningly sweet.
“I’m just trying to help,” she insisted. “Where are we going?”
She cooed against Jeonghan’s ear.
“Maybe he would be happier back at my place.”
You glared at her.
“My apartment is a five minutes’ walk from here.”
You ducked yourself under one of Jeonghan’s arms. You sort of wished he wasn’t drunk solely for the fact that currently he was completely useless.
You weren’t sure exactly how much he had to drink that night but honestly it seemed like the only thing he could do was walk forward at your prodding. He wasn’t in any way interested in Chaedom, but just her holding Jeonghan despite the fact that she was helping was making you angry.
“Don’t you have anything better to do?” You mumbled as the three of you got to your front door. She shook her head.
“I’m still waiting for Jeonghan to remember that I’m here,” she replied softly. She reached around, tapping Jeonghan’s cheek. “Are you sure you don’t want to come over to my place baby?”
That tightness coiled in your chest, and you slapped her hand away from his face.
“Chaedom,” you warned. “He’s not your fucking baby.”
Chaedom rolled her eyes at your words, but readjusted her grip on Jeonghan again so that she was just supporting him. Jeonghan however, seemed to think that now was the right time to pipe into the conversation.
“Shouldn’t curse,” he chided you softly. “’s bad.”
You pressed your lips together, your eyes briefly fluttering shut because what the fuck. After a second however your attention was back on your front door. You pushed the door open, wide enough for Jeonghan (and subsequently Chaedom) to come inside.
Once inside, Jeonghan was able to unwrap himself from Chaedom’s grasp. He stumbled into your living room, and then glanced over at you from his shoulder.
“Remember the last time we were here?” He asked, his voice high and teasing.
“Jeonghan-”
“You literally crawled.” He shook his head in disbelief and looked over at Chaedom. “She’s literally so good for me. Does whatever I want her to.”
His words were a bit slurred, but unfortunately Chaedom could hear him just fine. Her lips pressed into a firm line.
“I could be good for you,” she protested. Jeonghan hummed, and suddenly dropped to the ground. Both you and Chaedom darted forward but before either of you could reach him, he was steadying himself so that he was sitting on the floor.
“You’re not good for me,” he denied, peering at Chaedom. “You don’t listen very well.”
“Jeonghan, get off the floor,” you chided with a sigh. You closed the distance between you two and pulled at his forearm. He refused to budge.
“I don’t want to,” he insisted.
“You sound like a baby,” you said bluntly. He pulled his arm out of your grasp and wrapped his arms over his chest.
“You should do something with me,” he insisted. “We could watch a movie, and I could fuck you during the climax.”
You shot Jeonghan a glare.
“Would you fuck me if I was drunk?” You asked him. He pressed his lips together in annoyance, but that was answer enough. “Then I’m not fucking you while you’re drunk.”
“I would let you fuck me while you were drunk,” Chaedom piped up unhelpfully.
“Chaedom-”
Before you could finish telling her off, Jeonghan’s fingers wrapped around your hand and he suddenly tugged you down. You let him bend your body forward, surprised by the sudden contact. Once he had you so that your face was near his he placed both of his hands on your cheeks, squeezing your face in his hands.
“Y/n, I just missed you,” he said, and there was a pathetic pout spread over his lips. Part of you wanted to blame the alcohol entirely on the behavior, but deep down you knew you couldn’t really. Jeonghan would probably talk to you like this either way. “I just really fucking missed you.”
It was probably just because Chaedom was here- No it was definitely because Chaedom was here, but you felt irritation shoot through you at his words.
“You shouldn’t curse,” you replied, sending his own words back at him. “It’s bad.”
That pout deepened on his lips for a moment and you felt bad for about two seconds.
“I don’t know why she is treating you like a baby,” Chaedom said. She walked up to the two of you and crouched down in front of Jeonghan. Jeonghan glanced at her. Briefly. But it bothered you. You pulled out of Jeonghan’s hands.
You willed yourself to not be so jealous of their interactions. It was really stupid to be upset when Jeonghan was practically giving Chaedom no attention at all.
“You need water,” you murmured. You walked into your kitchen, screaming in your head. “Chaedom would you like some too?”
“That would be nice yeah.”
You fought yourself from mocking her. You started to grab water from your fridge for the two and as you did you could hear Jeonghan and Chaedom talking and shuffling around. You forced yourself to focus on your fridge. Begging yourself not to turn around because it would just make you upset.
“Han-”
Something collided into your back jostling your body forward a little. You caught yourself on the door of the fridge, turning over your shoulder when you realized it was just Jeonghan. He wrapped his arms around your body and groaned into your back.
“Y/n, I don’t want water.”
You shimmied around in Jeognhan’s arms so that you were facing him. You buried your fingers into his hair and pulled his head up. He still had a dumb pout on his face, and it just made your heart skip a beat in your chest.
God, he was so cute.
“I didn’t ask if you wanted water,” you replied pointedly. You blindly reached into your fridge and luckily, grabbed a water bottle. You pulled it out of the fridge and took the lid off the bottle. You pressed it to his lips. “Drink.”
Jeonghan turned away from the bottle.
“No,” he argued back. “Kiss me.”
“You taste like alcohol,” you replied. “Drink the water, and maybe I’ll kiss you.”
Jeonghan’s eyebrows furrowed at you in frustration.
“But-”
You pushed the bottle back in front of his lips.
“Maybe,” you reasserted.
Jeonghan sighed and took the bottle out of your hands. When he lowered the bottle back down, half of the water was gone. A smile crossed his lips.
“A kiss?”
“I thought you said you didn’t care if I liked you,” you said softly. Jeonghan pulled himself closer to you, his face coming within inches of yours.
“I lied,” Jeonghan reasserted. He pressed closer to you, so that your lips brushed his. A smile crossed his lips and his eyes darted down. How could you say no to that?
You pressed your lips to his, something that Jeonghan immediately took control of. His hands raised to your face just so that he could deepen the kiss, but you didn’t let that last for too long. You pulled away from him, ignoring the way he chased you and whined.
“Y/n,” he insisted. You pulled yourself all the way out of his arms, and turned back to the fridge, grabbing a second water bottle.
“Finish your water and we’ll talk,” you replied. Jeonghan grumbled but raised his bottle back to his lips. You turned your attention back to Chaedom who was just sitting on your floor watching the two of you with an annoyed expression on her face.
You handed her the water bottle, trying not to throw it in her face.
“Did you drink a lot too?” You asked her. Or did you just get Jeonghan to drink a lot?
“Do you really care?” She bit back.
Touché.
You got to stand there for a good two seconds before Jeonghan was falling into you again.
“I drank a lot,” Jeonghan insisted. You raised an eyebrow towards him. “I meant water. I drank a lot of water.”
You rolled your eyes.
“You need to go to sleep,” you told him. Jeonghan groaned and tilted his face into your chest again.
“I get to see you for two seconds and then you make me go to sleep?” He complained. His fingers dug into your shirt. “I don’t want to sleep.”
“I very clearly didn’t ask,” you replied.
“You’re being mean to me,” Jeonghan complained. You were just barely aware that that was true.
“I wouldn’t be mean to you,” Chaedom asserted, unhelpfully, of course.
“You’re why she’s being mean to me,” Jeonghan bit out towards her. He looked up at you. “You’re jealous.”
You rolled your eyes.
“I’m not-”
Jeonghan’s fingers tightened in your hair and he straightened up holding your head tight so that you were forced to face him.
“Don’t lie to me, y/n,” he said, his voice low. “I may be drunk but I’m not stupid. You know Chaedom doesn’t mean anything to me.”
You pressed your lips into a thin line, refusing to say anything. Really just embarrassed because your jealousy was being outed in front of the person who you were jealous of. You did know that Chaedom didn’t mean anything to Jeonghan. You still didn’t like it when she touched him.
“Y/n, say it.”
You scoffed, letting the silence fill between the two of you.
“I’ll-”
Before Chaedom could piss you off more you murmured: “I know Chaedom doesn’t mean anything to you.”
Jeonghan nodded with a hum.
“Good.”
You let your attention turn back to him.
“I’m not just being jealous when I say that you need to sleep,” you insisted. You wrinkled your nose. “I can smell the alcohol from here.”
Jeonghan’s lips quirked down.
“But-”
“Seriously,” you insisted. “You left some clothes over last time and you can sleep in them. Just go to bed and I’ll see you in the morning.”
Jeonghan’s eyebrows rose suddenly, and his fingers loosened in your hair.
“You…” He trailed off and shook his head. “You’ve got to stop keeping men’s clothes after you’re done sleeping with them.”
“I-” You exhaled your frustration. “I wasn’t…” You glanced over at Chaedom. “This isn’t a conversation I want to have in front of Chaedom and this isn’t a conversation I want to have with you when you’re drunk.”
Jeonghan’s eyes briefly followed yours and he looked at Chaedom. A genuinely pained look crossed his face.
“Can’t you just leave?”
A pout crossed her lips.
“But I’m so drunk.”
Jeonghan’s eyes turned back to you and he sent you a pitiful expression.
“I want to talk now,” he insisted. “You always put off talking.”
To be honest, you did always put off talking with him. You should have come to him way earlier. It was like they always said… If they wanted to they would. You could have made time for him if you had really tried but… You were nervous.
There was no fear of rejection and yet, an unpleasant feeling was building in your throat.
“Tomorrow,” you said softly. “When you are sober.” His expression didn’t change. “I promise.” Still the same. “Really.”
Finally, Jeonghan relented. He let his hands fall to the side.
“Fine,” he grumbled. “But you’re going to sleep with me… Right?”
You gave Jeonghan a stiff nod. He nodded back to you and turned, swaying a little as if his drunkness had finally come back to him. He looked back over his shoulder and pointed to Chaedom.
“If you ever talk to me again.” He didn’t finish but his tone and expression were serious. Then another pained expression crossed his face. “I’m going to go throw up.”
You and Chaedom watched him stumble to the bathroom. Normally, you thought you would follow him. Hold his hair back, but Chaedom was still here.
You glanced over at her.
“Can you leave now?” You asked. She rolled her eyes and walked over to your couch. She plopped down on it defiantly.
You sighed, and disappeared down your hallway, reappearing with a spare blanket and a pillow. Yeah, you hated her, but to her credit her cheeks were red from the alcohol and you thought maybe the reason that she was always so… Shameless was maybe because she was always drunk when you saw her.
You threw the blanket and pillow at her face.
“There’s water in my fridge,” you mumbled. “Don’t die in my living room.”
As you wandered down the hall, you stopped by your bathroom, peaking in at Jeonghan. He was laying with his head on your toilet seat. You cracked the door open leaning on the doorframe.
“That’s disgusting.”
He held up a bottle of bathroom cleaner.
“I cleaned it,” he replied. “Made it worse. Bleach makes me want to wretch.”
He turned his head into your toilet bowl a little, his cheeks puffing out briefly. He sat there for a little bit, the strands of his hair falling pathetically into his eyes.
You closed the distance between you two, crouching in front of him. You brushed the hair out of his face, your thumb flickering over his cheekbone. He let his eyes flutter closed at the touch.
“It wasn’t worth it to drink,” he mumbled. “I’m going to be in so much pain tomorrow.”
You stared at him for so long that he opened his eyes, giving you the biggest puppy dog eyes, you had ever seen from a man in his 20s.
“You make me stupid, y/n,” he said softly.
You pressed your lips together tightly and nodded once. You didn’t respond to that because how could you? It was still a little baffling. Jeonghan, the campus play boy, made stupid by you.
Your eyes drifted away from Jeonghan briefly.
You wondered if he realized how stupid he made you. All your years as a psychology student were made null when it came to him. It was like when you were with him you forgot how to have healthy communication. You really had to work on that.
“You think you can make it to the bedroom?” You asked him softly. His eyes closed again, an annoyed groan vibrating through his body. “Well, I’m not going to stay with you in the bathroom. I’m tired.”
You pulled your hand away from Jeonghan, which just made him whine in protest.
“It’s like babysitting,” you protested even though honestly you would stay up with a drunk Jeonghan for as long as he wanted you to. You were just frustrated. Chaedom was still in your living room and for some reason even though Jeonghan had literally confessed his love to you she still thought she had a chance and-
“Help me up,” Jeonghan practically pleaded. You rolled your eyes, and grabbed Jeonghan by his wrist, tugging him up.
“Yeah, yeah.”
-
When you woke up, you were partially afraid to move. Jeonghan had an armed draped over your chest, and his head rested on your stomach.
After an hour you realized that you needed to get up no matter if Jeonghan was up or not. It was better to wake him up with food, probably.
You somehow managed to untangle yourself from his body without waking him, and you ended up leaving him splayed over your sheets, eyebrows furrowed. You wondered what he was dreaming about.
You walked down your hallway,
“What are you making?”
You barely muffled a scream by slapping your hand over your lips. You exhaled sharply, your eyes closing and nose furrowing slightly when you realized that it was just Chaedom standing at the edge of your kitchen.
“Why the…” You buried your face in your hand. “Chaedom why are you still here?”
She didn’t speak so you let your hand drop to your sides. She was staring at you, one of her cheeks red from having slept on it, her tight dress bunched up just a little higher than it should have been and her hair a tangled mess.
You felt kind of bad for her.
A little.
“He doesn’t love you,” you said. You shifted your attention. “He doesn’t even like you. Why are you doing this?”
She just stood there, staring at you.
“Look, you’re pretty, you’re better than this,” you said. “What is the point of going after some frat guy who is notorious for fucking around? So, what if Yoon Jeonghan doesn’t want to fuck you. I’m sure plenty of guys want to. Why are wasting your time on the one who doesn’t like you?”
Chaedom’s gaze dropped away from you, her bottom lip quivering slightly. You sucked in a small breath, about to continue berating her when a soft sob wrecked through her body.
“My boyfriend cheated on me,” she blurted. Your eyebrows rose in surprise at the confession, but before you could say anything in response she was colliding into your chest, her arms wrapping tightly around her body.
“Oh-”
“I thought that he loved me,” she cried into your chest, her tears literally already soaking through your pajama shirt. “I thought he loved me but then he fucking cheated on me and I thought men fucking suck, I’m just going to sleep with whoever makes me feel good about myself.”
Her fingers balled into your shirt and she pulled her face from out of your chest to look up at you from behind her red eyes.
“And then the first guy that I go to sleep with. The one who is the ultimate fuck boy, who is all no commitments and fuck whoever walks doesn’t want to sleep with me because suddenly he isn’t a trash human being.”
She let out another loud cry and then her forehead tipped back into your chest. She briefly knocked the breath out of you, and you stumbled a little to accommodate her weight.
“And I can’t even blame him,” she wailed into your stomach. “You’re fucking beautiful and kind and perfect.”
Your mouth dropped a little bit.
“Men really do change for the right people and Shindong just wouldn’t change for me.”
You couldn’t help the confused expression that spread over your face. You stood there motionless for a little bit, waiting for her crying to calm down. After a few minutes it didn’t. You pressed your eyes shut tightly when you realized that you were going to have to actually to confront the conversation.
You awkwardly patted Chaedom’s back.
“Hey,” you said uncertainly. She just kept sobbing into your chest. “Hey, Chaedom you-” You sighed, and pressed your hand to her forehead, pushing her back. “Go… Go sit down on at the island, okay?”
The tears continued to run down her cheeks, and she took two large breaths.
“I don’t want to impede,” she managed to get out. You were so strong and such a good person for being able to hold yourself back because wasn’t everything she had done since you met her impeding?
“It’s fine,” you insisted. “Just… Sit okay?”
Chaedom sniffled but nodded, finally peeling off of you. She walked over to one of the stools and fitted herself on it.
“Look, you’re wrong, okay?” You said softly. You grabbed one of your skillets and cracked an egg into it, turning up the heat on the stove. “Men don’t change for people. People don’t even change for people. They just don’t.”
You turned over your shoulder to look at her.
“The psychology behind cheating is complicated because sometimes it makes sense and it’s easy to pin down. People cheat because they are angry or have low commitment or esteem issues. Some people are just fucking narcissists and they get bored so they just do something to see how the other person will react. I don’t know why Shindong cheated on you. Even Shindong might not know why he cheated on you.”
Chaedom’s bottom lip quivered.
“So… I should… I should take him back?”
“No,” you blurted back, shaking your head. “I’m saying that you are going to spend hours and days and weeks, maybe even months trying to figure out why he did what he did. But you won’t. You will never know why, and even if he tells you, you can never trust him.”
You shrugged and turned your attention back to the eggs.
“Because he lied to you once, and if he gets away with it once he will try to get away with it again,” you continued. “I mean the way that men and women cheat is different. There are a lot of studies done about how it seems that men generally cheat for the sexual thrill while women tend to cheat due to feelings of love or intimacy-”
Your eyes narrowed a little as you realized you were wildly getting off-track. Your summer psychology project was finally coming in use and you were a little too excited over that.
“Not the point.” You focused back in on the eggs. “Shindong cheated on you, and he probably would have cheated on someone else too. In my experience, no matter who it was Shindong would have cheated. You couldn’t have changed him. That’s just who he is down to his core.”
You scooped some of the eggs onto a plate, and walked over to Chaedom, pushing the plate of eggs towards her. You gave her a pressed smile and grabbed a glass of juice for her. You quirked your eyebrows up slightly silently telling her to eat.
She complied, but as soon as she had a mouthful of eggs in her mouth she was talking again.
“Bafeawut faow shoes chat mesplain wan.”
Your eyebrows furrowed.
“What?”
She swallowed.
“But how does that explain Jeonghan?” She repeated. “He was a fuck boy, and he changed for you.”
“He didn’t change for me,” you denied. You cracked a few more eggs into the skillet. “The Jeonghan who stopped sleeping with other people and became desperate for my attention and turned down everyone for me wasn’t a change in personality.”
As you spoke you heard a creak from down the hall. Both you and Chaedom glanced into the hall and you saw that Jeonghan was standing there. He looked exhausted, his whole body weight leaned onto the wall. You pressed your lips into a thin smile.
“That’s just who he’s been all along.”
“That’s a nice sentiment,” Jeonghan drawled softly. “But not completely true. Maybe I didn’t change but there is no one in this world like you.”
You rolled your eyes, glancing away from him and back to Chaedom.
“You’re not meant to be with Shindong, and you’re not meant to be with Jeonghan but that doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable,” you pressed. “You’ll find someone, you just have to give it time is all.”
Chaedom let out an annoyed sound and let her face fall to the counter. Your mouth dropped open at the sudden action and to be completely honest, you were a bit worried that she had hurt herself. But then she turned her head to the side and blurted out: “Everything hurts.”
You realized that physically she was fine.
Jeonghan wandered over to the counter and sat down two stools away from Chaedom. He gave her an uncomfortable look and then his eyes flitted back to yours. He pressed his lips into a small pout.
“You made her eggs before me?”
You rolled your eyes and gestured to the eggs in the skillet.
“You were asleep. Just wait a second.”
Chaedom peeled her face up and looked at Jeonghan with a still pathetic expression on her face. Jeonghan’s nose wrinkled a little.
“Chaedom,” he mumbled.
“Jeonghan,” she replied.
You couldn’t believe that this was your life. Free therapy for a girl you hated, and babysitting for a guy who was in love with you.
You dumped Jeonghan’s eggs onto a plate and then placed them in front of him. He grabbed you by the wrist when you were close to him and pulled you in a little more. Your breath caught and you pressed your lips together.
His eyes flickered down to said lips. He smiled.
“Y/n-”
“Not in front of Chaedom,” you insisted, pulling away from him. He pouted again, but you turned away so that you didn’t have to look at him.
Breakfast was awkward, the silence in the room deafening but you were avoiding Jeonghan’s eye contact like it was the plague and Chaedom was still crying to the point were you were seriously considering saying more.
Before it could get to that point however she sucked in a deep breath and nodded.
“I should get going.”
It was a relief to hear those words, and you saw Jeonghan perk up but you tried not to let your excitement show too much.
“Yeah?” You managed out. She sighed and nodded, getting to her feet and sending you a sad smile.
“I think I’ve overdone my stay a little.”
You didn’t agree but… You wanted to. Chaedom got to her fear and you followed to the door (but you could hear the padding of Jeonghan’s feet on the ground behind him so you knew he was following too).
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” You asked softly, unable to believe that the words were leaving your mouth out of a genuine place for concern. Chaedom gave you a tired smile, her eyes still dark red from all the crying she had been doing.
“I’m going to a friend’s house,” she assured. “Thanks for everything.”
Jeonghan was still hovering close to you, his hand on the small of your back. You respected that he was fighting so hard to not be too touchy but… you were glad that his hands were on you.
… And not Chaedom.
Chaedom’s eyes went to Jeonghan’s as if she could hear your thoughts.
“You know if you get tired of y/n, you can always call me.” She laughed and somehow within the laugh she started to cry again. You felt your fingers balling into tight fists. “I’m kidding. I-I’m going to go now.”
She gave you both a wave.
“I’ll see you later,” you said, giving her a pressed smile. She smiled back and then suddenly darted forward, wrapping her arms around your body tightly.
“You are so nice.”
You swallowed hard and patted her back.
“It’s… Going to be okay,” you assured. She nodded and pulled away.
“Okay, thanks.”
And then finally she was gone.
You felt your whole body deflate as soon as Jeonghan shut the door behind her, and without even thinking you tilted your head forward into his chest. You let out a loud groan. Jeonghan’s hand came to your head, and he patted you comfortingly.
“You were very strong to be so nice,” Jeonghan complimented softly. “If that were Yeongtae, I would have snapped him in half.”
You rolled your eyes and didn’t respond to him.
“Of course, you took out your rage towards her at me, which is annoying.”
“If I go to another party-” You looked up at him and sent him a glare. “And Chaedom, is wrapped around you as if she has a chance-”
Jeonghan dipped his head down, his lips pressing briefly to yours. Your eyes fluttered shut, and as naturally as you breathed, you pressed into the kiss. The hand on your back pressed you closer, and Jeonghan’s other hand raised to the back of your head.
He broke the kiss, his lips quirking upwards.
“You really have nothing to be jealous over,” Jeonghan assured softly. “And it’s really not healthy, but I love how jealous you get… You’re so fucking cute. As if I would ever look at anyone the way I look at you.”
His lips pressed briefly to yours again. You pulled away slightly, taking a sharp breath.
“W-We,” you breathed softly. “We need to talk, don’t we?”
Another small exhale and Jeonghan was creating more space between the two of you. His eyes narrowed a little, his nose scrunching very slightly. He gave you a very focused expression.
“Is it going to go well?” He asked you. “Because if the answer is that you are rejecting me, but you’ll kiss me before the conversation then we can push it back a little bit.”
A small laugh vibrated through your body.
“That’s not very healthy,” you reminded him softly, as if you had been the prime example of healthy communication and relationship managing this week. He rolled his eyes.
“Okay, let’s talk,” he agreed. He peeled away from you, patting you on the shoulders. He seemed hesitant to pull away from you completely, but after a few moments he finally did. He took in a sharp breath and nodded.
“Do we need a recap?”
Your eyebrows furrowed.
“A recap?” You mumbled. He nodded.
“I… Really want a relationship with you,” he said softly. “I don’t want to lose you to someone you think will treat you better. No one will treat you better than me.”
“You didn’t…” You glanced away from him. “Didn’t quite say that before.”
“No?” Jeonghan’s voice was so quiet.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t said that, exactly. You just hadn’t really expected to hear it so… Directly.
“So… You like me, and you want to date me,” you replied softly. Trying to just nod slowly. Jeonghan’s eyes on you were making it really hard to focus. “And… I like you… For sure. So, the logical next step is to… Date you.”
Jeonghan didn’t say anything, for so long that you couldn’t help but look over at him. He was watching you with a different expression than you thought that he would have on his face. It wasn’t relief or excitement. His eyebrows were furrowed, lips turned down. He seemed concerned.
“Do you want to date me?” He asked you. Your lips pressed together, and you nodded, but there was a knot in your throat. Jeonghan’s eyebrows furrowed further. “You know you don’t have to do everything that I want you to. If you just want to sleep together still, I can do that.”
That wasn’t what you wanted. But somehow voicing that seemed terrifying. Jeonghan let you try to formulate words for a while, before finally speaking again.
“Y/n, can I hear about your relationship with Yunjun?”
A topic change was exactly what you had wanted, but a topic change to this was not what you had wanted. It was worse, possibly.
“No,” you mumbled softly. Jeonghan nodded.
“Okay,” he said.
You two were completely quiet before you shook your head, scrunching your nose.
“No, I mean. Yeah, uh, it wasn’t really a relationship,” you replied. “It was sort of like us? I mean, we weren’t actually strangers. He knew someone I knew, and we ended up sleeping together and he was rough and I liked that so…” You felt like you were going into too much detail. “We saw each other for a few months? I think, and then I broke it off.”
“Why?” He prodded.
“He was mean,” you said with a shrug. “Most of my past flings with people were like that. But I mean, that’s the hazard when I like what I do right?”
You tried to laugh it off to lighten the mood, but Jeonghan didn’t crack a smile. In fact, the expression on his face was terrifying. He wasn’t mad, he wasn’t happy. He was listening and you couldn’t figure out exactly what he was feeling.
“Have you dated many people?” Jeonghan asked. You shook your head.
“Only a few,” you replied. You were quiet for a little while, but Jeonghan didn’t rush you. “Honestly mostly just fucked people casually. No dates. Always people I knew but wasn’t close to. Always happened more than once.” Again, too much detail. Jeonghan didn’t comment on that.
“Did you break up with them?”
“That’s a weird question,” you mumbled and again you were quiet. Why was talking to Jeonghan about this so hard? You could tell Jeongyeon about these things in your sleep, but with Jeonghan you honestly felt like you were suffocating.
Maybe it was just because you knew Jeongyeon so well. You could probably fuck five guys at the same time in front of her and she wouldn’t shame you for it. If you really wanted to, you could tell her every gruesome detail of your relationship with Jeonghan and she would listen intently and try to see it your way.
It was Jeongyeon and this was Jeonghan and they were different.
Would Jeonghan judge you for your dating history? Would he think you were actually a slut if he heard about the way that you let other men treat you? Why did you even care? You never cared what others thought of you.
“Yeah. I’ve always been the one to end things.”
Jeonghan was quiet and you had to look at him again. He was so good at getting your attention. Jeonghan held a hand out to you, and without thinking too much you took it. He pulled you closer to him.
“Am I too mean to you?” He asked softly. You shook your head, looking up at him nervously. “I don’t ever want to hurt you y/n. I lied to you and that is the last stupid thing that I will ever do.”
Jeonghan took your other hand in his and his thumbs circled over your knuckles.
“But if this is too much for you-”
“It’s not,” you pressed. “I just…” You pressed your lips together shyly, stubbornly keeping your eyes on the floor. “Say it again…”
“Again?” He asked softly. He seemed a little confused. “Say what again?”
You didn’t want to say it but he kept letting the stupid silence fill the room. Your voice was as quiet as you could make it.
“Say that you want to date me again.”
You didn’t have to be looking at Jeonghan to know he was smiling at you.
“I want to date you,” he said, and you could hear his amusement in the heightenedness of his voice.
You kept your eyes on the ground.
“Again.”
“I want to date you.”
“… Again.”
Jeonghan pulled you a bit by your hands and ducked his head so that he was able to look at you.
“Y/n, I want to date you.”
Your face was suddenly hot. You turned your head away from him but then Jeonghan’s fingers were on your chin. He turned you to face him.
“I want to date you. I want-”
You laughed, unable to help the smile that was crossing your lips.
“Really Jeonghan,” you said, honestly trying to change the topic even though you knew there was no world in which Jeonghan let that happen. “All of this time you were sleeping with all these different people. Why do you suddenly want to date someone? Are you really ready to just… Settle for one person?”
“I settled for you the moment that I realized you would sleep with me twice,” Jeonghan replied softly. “But… I think that you know that. Don’t you?”
You let your eyes flit away from him.
“Not initially,” you denied. Jeonghan huffed out a small laugh.
“What was it you said to me… That it would be stupid to ask me to settle…?” His tone was airy, so unserious. “That even if I hadn’t asked you not to sleep with other people you wouldn’t because sex with me is just so good.”
“That is not what I said,” you protested. Jeonghan laughed.
“That’s basically what you said,” Jeonghan replied. “Look at it this way, you’re y/n.” Your words sent right back at you. You gave him a look that was honestly mostly embarrassment. “That was the day that I realized just how desperate I really was just for your attention.”
“You’re ridiculous Jeonghan,” you chided softly. “You just… The me that you think you’re in love with-”
“I haven’t said that I love you yet,” Jeonghan interrupted. Your eyes widened at his words.
“Wha-”
“I haven’t said it yet,” he repeated with a shrug. “You think I’m in love with you, hm? Do you think… Maybe you’re projecting a little? You love me and you want me to love you back?”
Your mouth gaped open but before you could think about it too much, Jeonghan was laughing.
“I’m joking,” he breathed. “I love you, y/n. I don’t think that I’m in love with you. I know I love you. The you that I think I’m in love with? It’s just you.”
“Jeonghan we hardly know each other.”
Hurt flashed in Jeonghan’s eyes and you immediately regretted your words. He didn’t let you feel bad about it for long though.
“Again, if this is too much for you…” Your eyes were screaming at him. Not too much. He sighed. “The point of dating is to get to know each other.”
“I know what the point of dating is,” you mumbled.
“Do you?” Jeonghan asked. There was a challenge in his voice. “Y/n, ever since we met we’ve been getting to know one another.”
“Are you sure that you aren’t… In love with some version of me that isn’t… Me.”
Jeonghan went silent again, and to be completely honest you didn’t think that you had ever really seen him frustrated at you. Not, outside of sex at least. But right now? He looked to be at his wits end. But… Not angry. Frustrated. Never angry.
Not at you at least.
“What do you see me as?” Jeonghan asked. Confusion flickered across your face.
“You’re Jeonghan,” you replied pointedly. It wasn’t enough for him; he arched an eyebrow your way. You sighed. “You are Jeonghan. Yoon Jeonghan. You love legos and you’re probably the most delicate frat boy in existence. You’re kind and deceivingly sensitive. You’re always gentle… And caring. You make me feel so… Loved.”
“See,” Jeonghan pressed. “We know each other. When you walked into my bedroom for the first time, then we hardly knew each other. But before you just knew me as Yoon Jeonghan the playboy. Now you know me as Yoon Jeonghan the angel of Alpha Mu.”
“I don’t even know your major,” you said bluntly, completely ignoring the angel comment.
“Don’t you want to find out?”
You two stared at each other. Silent.
“Do you still need time to think?” Jeonghan asked you. “I can give you more space. I’m sorry for drinking so much. I’m sorry if I burdened you-”
“Jeonghan,” you blurted but he ignored you. He started to pull away from you, but you grabbed more tightly onto his wrist. You tugged at him so that he was forced to stay close to you. “I want to date you.”
Jeonghan’s mouth closed.
“You’re right,” you admitted, but your voice was quiet.
“About what?”
Your fingers squeezed at his wrist.
“I was being mean to you because of Chaedom,” you mumbled. “You love me. Whatever. It’s still annoying that stupid Chaedom is all over you. And I want to date you. I do. I missed you this last week. I miss you every time I don’t come see you outside of parties. But no matter what you say or how close we get you are always going to be Yoon Jeonghan, one of the most eligible bachelors on campus.”
“And you will always be y/n,” Jeonghan insisted. “I think you’re more desired by the campus than you think.” He hummed. “But most importantly… You’re mine… Yeah?”
You swallowed hard; your eyes frustratingly focused on Jeonghan whose eyes were frustratingly focused right back on you. You nodded.
“Yeah.”
Finally, finally Jeonghan let you close the distance between you two. His hands found their way to your hips and he pulled you close to him.
“You gonna say it for me?” He asked you softly. “Need a little bit more than just a yeah.”
Heat was pooling your cheeks. Suddenly you were more embarrassed than you had ever been with him.
“I’m yours,” you whispered softly. “As long as-”
“I’m yours too,” Jeonghan promised, before you could even finish asking him. He dipped his head towards you and teasingly brushed his lips against yours. You tried to press your lips more firmly together, but he pulled away just enough to leave you unsatisfied. “I’m greedy y/n.”
You tried to focus back in on Jeonghan who was smiling at you in a very distracting manner.
“Greedy?”
“Mhm,” he hummed. “I knew that you were mine. Even though you hadn’t said it. Even though you were gone for a week. You know how?”
You shook your head.
“Because you still have those silly little hickeys,” he whispered back. You raised your hands to the back of his neck letting a frustrated expression cross your face.
“All you do is tease me,” you mumbled. “Why do you have to make me say things you already know?”
“Because I’m greedy,” Jeonghan repeated. “And I like to hear it. Your mine.”
You took that as your chance. You dragged Jeonghan’s head down by applying pressure on the back of his neck, finally firmly pressing your lips together. Jeonghan let a small laugh leave his lips but didn’t try to pull away from you.
You never got to be in control of the kisses, and so you were relishing being able to be in control of this one. Your fingers buried into Jeonghan’s hair, and you pressed him closer and closer to you. So grateful to finally be alone. So grateful to be kissing him again. So grateful to finally be done talking.
Jeonghan pulled away from you and you shamelessly let a whine leave your lips as you chased him. He laughed.
“I can’t believe that you’re the one always running from me,” Jeonghan breathed. His hands dipped under your shirt, his cool fingers pressing against your warm skin. “Because you are kissing me right now like you need me to breath.”
You blamed frustration completely and entirely and nothing else could possibly be behind what you said next.
“I fucking feel like I need you to breath.” Ew, ew, ew. “Jeonghan, it’s been a week.”
Jeonghan hummed, ignoring your obvious pleas. Ignoring the fact that your words had made you want to die a little on the inside. Jeonghan didn’t care. You didn’t understand how he always had such immense patience when it came to literally everything. His hands were roaming over your skin so lightly. His touch like a feather. He was so confident that you were just going to stand there and take it. Like he owned you.
“I do own you,” Jeonghan mumbled as if he could hear your thoughts. His head dipped into your neck, his lips ghosting across your skin. “Isn’t that what you said? Your mine?”
“I didn’t say you owned me,” you mumbled. A lie, and you both knew it was. Jeonghan hummed.
“Someone forgot about how you begged me to own you the last time I had my hands on you,” Jeonghan mumbled. “And you certainly are acting with a lot more humility than you usually do.”
His eyes drifted up to yours as his lips brushed your neck.
“Does being vulnerable really humiliate you more than degradation?”
Your face was burning and it was all the answer that Jeonghan needed. He ducked his head back into your neck, his fingers trailing up your back to toy at the latch of your bra. You knew that Jeonghan knew had to unlatch your bra. You knew he could do it with one hand much less two.
He was teasing you. He was still teasing you.
You experimentally let your hands drift down Jeonghan’s body, pressing firmly on his shirt at the bottom and pushing up. Jeonghan just hummed against you, teeth agonizingly dragging over the nape of your neck.
“Someone’s getting impatient.”
“You’re too patient,” you argued back. “You can’t touch me like this and then act surprised when I want you to take your shirt off.”
As you spoke you lost your confidence because Jeonghan’s mouth trailed down your neck, to your clavicle and then he was pushing your shirt off and you couldn’t help but get excited. You grabbed the hem of your shirt and backed away from Jeonghan, pulling the shirt over your head and tossing it to the floor.
A small laugh left his mouth and he nodded slowly.
“Well, you might as well take the rest of your clothes off,” he said, his voice low and teasing. A small frown crossed your lips. Well, a pout really.
“You’re not taking your clothes off,” you mumbled. Jeonghan crossed his arms over his chest, an eyebrow raising, and his face growing serious.
“Maybe I should reword,” Jeonghan mumbled. “If you’re going to act like a whore needing to take my shirt off when I’m trying to just enjoy time with my pretty toy than you are going to do as I ask. Take your clothes off now.”
You didn’t have to be told twice. You began to as quickly as possible undress, the cold air of the kitchen, ripping a shiver from you as you kicked your pants off. Once you were completely naked, you threw your hands behind your back, trying to hide an excited look as Jeonghan stared at you.
His expression remained serious and he remained quiet. Still not moving to undress. Still not touching you.
“Jeonghan-”
“Did I say you could talk?” Jeonghan asked. You pressed your lips together tightly, shaking your head once as your body heated up like it was on fire. Jeonghan tutted softly, raising a hand to head so that he could brush some of the strands out of his face. “On your knees y/n.”
You dropped down instantly, your body buzzing with excitement as Jeonghan started to walk towards you. Your eyes stayed on him, suddenly not feeling nervous about holding I contact with him. Once Jeonghan was within arms reach of you he stopped, unzipping his pants and working out his dick without taking them off at all.
“What’s your safe word baby?”
You were quick to answer, barely even the first syllable out before you were telling it to him. He cracked a smile.
He stepped a little closer to you, tapping the tip of his already hard cock against your bottom lip. Before you opened your mouth for him he was pushing the head of his cock into your mouth. You fell forward a little bit, your hands grabbing onto Jeonghan’s jean clad thighs for better stability.
He didn’t completely like that. One of his hands buried into your hair, tugging at you sharply.
“Did I say that you could touch me?” He asked you. You tried to shake your head, but his grip was too tight. Before you could try to even answer in a different way, he was pushing his cock even further into your mouth. “I asked you a question.”
Your eyes widened as you looked at Jeonghan, trying to shake your head again but it was useless. Jeonghan didn’t care about your efforts. Instead he focused on pushing his cock deep into your throat, not stopping until the only thing you could comfortingly look at was his pelvis.
“So bad,” Jeonghan chided lightly, his fingers loosened in your hair, but another hand found its way to your head. “Can’t even answer a single question.”
His fingers held your head in place and he slowly pulled his cock out of your mouth again. Once his tip was on your tongue he was pushing back inside of you, setting a slow pace of fucking your mouth. There should be nothing hot about a man who was just using your mouth to get off, but the little groans and moans that were tumbling from Jeonghan’s mouth were going straight to your core.
Your fingers tightened their grip on Jeonghan despite having been told off for having your hands there. You didn’t even care, and Jeonghan didn’t deem it important enough to mention right away. His pace slowly began to quicken, his hips snapping as if he was fucking your pussy. You couldn’t help the little whimpers that were leaving your cock-stuffed mouth as he began to fuck your face harder, and you knew that was just spurring him on even further.
“You look so pretty when your mouth is being fucked,” Jeonghan mumbled, his voice low and muddled with pleasure. “So nice when your mouth is so full of cock you can’t talk to me. All you can do is take my cock.”
You moaned at his words and he had to readjust his hands, giving you a couple of seconds to recatch your breath before going right back into it. His thrusts hard and fast.
“Hate it when you leave for a week,” he mumbled. “You come around telling me how much you love my dick as if you didn’t ignore me all week.”
He was going faster, and you could feel his cock twitch in your mouth and his fingers tightening their grip on your head. His voice was becoming a breathier, all evidence that he was getting closer and closer to coming down your throat.
“I would have fucked you every day this week if I could have,” Jeonghan mumbled. “And I will fuck you everyday now that your mine. There’s no excuse anymore for you to be embarrassed by how much you like me.”
Your face blazed but before he could say more Jeonghan was moaning loudly, shoving your face into his abdomen firmly as he shot hot come down your throat. Your eyes were beginning to water, small tears running down your cheeks, but you did your best take it well.
Still when he let your face go you coughed a bit of his come dribbling out of your mouth onto your chin. Jeonghan knelt in front of you, grasping your chin tightly between his fingers. His swiped his thumb across the cum and then pushed his thumb into your mouth.
“Cause that’s why you don’t come around all the time isn’t it y/n? You like me so much that you’re embarrassed about it.”
Your sucked on Jeonghan’s thumb but your eyes flitted away from him. Jeonghan pulled his thumb from your mouth and hit your cheek. You hissed in surprise (not so much pain) but Jeonghan was smiling when you looked back at him.
“That’s okay you don’t have to admit it,” he cooed. “But you’ll admit it to me one of these days.”
He soothed over the cheek that he had hit, a little pout spread over his lips, feigning pity for you and the fact that he had hit you.
“But right now I can’t expect you to be so honest huh?” His voice was so condescending and it was only turning you on more and the worst part was he knew that. His hand lowered to your cunt and only then did you realize how embarrassingly wet you were. His fingers pressed between your thighs and you instinctively spread your legs out a little bit for him, the dampness of your thighs meeting the cool air and sending a chill through your body. “Look at you, you’re already so horny that you can’t think about anything but my dick can you?”
He hummed and immediately pushed two fingers deep into you. You cried out, falling back on your hands, your mouth dropping open into a small pant as he began to fuck you hard on his fingers. There was a slight burn from the stretch but it felt so good, you couldn’t complain even if you wanted to.
“All I did was fuck your pretty little mouth and yet you’re dripping all over your floor like a bitch in heat.”
A whimper was practically ripped from your mouth, and you couldn’t help but shift your body so that your ass was on the floor just so that you had some stability. Jeonghan snickered as your back hit the ground. Your face burying into your hands as you tried to muffle yourself.
Jeonghan let out an annoyed huff and he sharply smacked your thigh.
“Why are you being so quiet now?” He asked you. “Acting like you don’t usually have an audience of twelve boys… No point in trying to save face when I’ve made you scream before.”
You whined into your hands, refusing to move them when all Jeonghan was doing was humiliating you today. Jeonghan didn’t like that, and he expressed that by shoving a third finger into you. Your back arched in pleasure and you threw your hands to the floor.
“I’m sorry,” you blurted. “It’s just- Fuck, it’s just embarrassing.”
“I’ve done worse to you,” Jeonghan commented, and he was right but that didn’t make it less embarrassing. It wasn’t even that he was fucking you really. Or… About you. Or teasing you, or that he’d fucked your face.
You still had that same residual embarrassment from the fact that you two were… Dating now…? That it was just making your heart pound that much harder.
“I wonder what I should do with you today,” Jeonghan pondered. “How many times should I make my pretty little toy come?” His thumb smashed down on your clit and it made you cry out again.
“You’re being so rough,” you whined, your fingers balling against the floor.
“Do you not like it?” He didn’t halt his pace, instead you suspected he was being even faster the sound of his fingers fucking you echoing in your apartment. You didn’t want to answer him. He knew you liked it but then his fingers smacked on your clit, hard.
“I do,” you blurted. “I fucking like it, like it so much.”
Jeonghan chuckled, and his fingers slipped from you.
“You’re being so bad today y/n,” he chided lightly. “What happened to my pretty baby who listens to me no matter what?”
He grabbed you by your hips, shifting you closer to him. He pushed himself in between your legs, settling himself there as he tapped the tip of his cock against your clit. Your thrusted up towards Jeonghan’s dick, desperate for him to slid into you, and when your bare thighs rubbed against the cloth of his sweatpants it just made you that much more desperate.
“And you’re so quiet too. Scared of your own voice, hm? You know I like it when you beg like my own little whore.”
The tip of Jeonghan’s dick dipped into you and you fought everything in your body not to fuck yourself on him. You just let another whine leave your mouth.
“Jeonghan I’m so sorry for leaving so long,” you mumbled, and as you spoke Jeonghan was slipping his cock into you. You forced your eyes shut as he wrapped his arms around your body, coming fully seated inside of you. “I’m so sorry, I need you so badly. Need you to fuck me, really really-”
Jeonghan cut you off with a hard thrust, his lips brushing against yours teasingly.
“I don’t actually want you to feel bad for leaving for a week,” Jeonghan mumbled. His teeth teased your bottom lip, and his fingers duck into your back. “Unlike you I’m patient and besides…”
Another hard thrust and you couldn’t help the scream that Jeonghan ended up swallowing into a rough kiss. He gave you another hard thrust, your body bouncing, afraid to grab him but really needing to not only for purchase but also just to be close to him.
“You’re always worth the wait.”
You must have clamped down on Jeonghan hard because as soon as you spoke Jeonghan was fucking you again, hard. He let your back hit the floor and placed his hands on either side of your head. His lips were pressed hard to yours and he wasn’t holding back in the slightest.
“Je-Jeon-“ You could barely get a word out. Your fingers twitched by your sides, trying desperately to hold onto the ground that it was literally impossible to hold on to. “I need-”
It was so hard to speak around Jeonghan’s mouth, but he let his lips pull away from yours as you tried to speak, placing his forehead to yours.
“What baby?” Fuck. His hands came up to your neck, his thumbs brushing the dip in your throat. “Something you want?”
You could tell he was trying to be teasing but it wasn’t coming off well right now because he was being so rough. His eyes were shut in concentration and he squeezed your neck lightly driving you even fucking crazier.
“Wanna touch you,” you managed to get out, your voice quiet. Jeonghan laughed.
“Is that so? Thought you were being bad today, why didn’t you just grab onto me huh?”
You let out a frustrated sound, wanting to grab him out of spite but wanting to be good like he was teasing you for even more.
“I’m good,” you managed to get out, but you sounded so pathetic and broken as you spoke, each thrust so rough that you were starting to practically sob on his cock. Jeonghan’s lips tilted down to your face, kissing at the tears that rolled down your cheeks.
“You want to prove that you’re good?” He asked, you nodded, your mouth open so that you could pant. “Why don’t you come for me? Want to feel you come on my cock again so bad… Missed it, missed you-”
He didn’t have to say more, he didn’t even have to touch your clit. A sob left your lips as pleasure whirled through your body. You couldn’t hold back if you wanted to, you desperately grabbed at Jeonghan’s biceps, squeezing at him hard to try and gain some control over your position.
Jeonghan didn’t even falter, instead he got faster, and harder.
“S-sensitive!” Was all that you managed to get out, and it just made Jeonghan hum against you.
“Is that so baby? Cause I’m nowhere near done with you.”
You whimpered, and you tightened your grip on Jeonghan.
“I’m going to make you come until you literally can’t come anymore,” Jeonghan promised. “Won’t stop until you either safe word or I’m finally satisfied. I wouldn’t blame you at all if you tapped out.”
As he spoke, you were already overcoming the slight discomfort from him fucking you through your orgasm. You shook your head desperately, knowing without even knowing how long it was going to go on for that you were not going to tap out.
Ignoring Jeonghan for a full week was such a terrible idea for you because it just meant that you needed him that much more. You felt so good with his cock stuffed inside of you, his hot breath on your cheek driving you feral. You readjusted your arms so that your fingers were threaded in the roots of Jeonghan’s hair.
You couldn’t help it, you started quietly begging Jeonghan to fuck you harder. You knew you were pulling a little at Jeonghan’s hair and normally you didn’t think he would entertain it but he didn’t seem to mind.
“You’re so slutty y/n,” he mumbled. “You submit to me so fast. So willingly. Wanted me to take my clothes off so badly but you don’t even actually care that I’m fucking you like some common whore.”
You nodded, still babbling, still nonsense and Jeonghan was eating it up.
“You’re not even making sense,” he teased, and as he spoke another orgasm was wracking through your body. Your head tilted up and your lips brushed against Jeonghan’s but he pulled away from you as you did. “My little baby, coming on my dick from being talked down to. Like it so much don’t you? Like it when I fuck you stupid. Why don’t you try and get another straight sentence out for me?”
Your eyebrows furrowed in concentration but Jeonghan’s lack of letting up was making it hard. With each thrust his sweat pants brushed against your clit and the friction was making you pull away form Jeonghan a little as you came down from your second orgasm.
Jeonghan didn’t mind that either. His thumbs pressed down together every now and then as you hiced, making your voice come in and out, your breathing becoming just that much more desperate. He was toying with you, enjoying the way that your wish to breath increased when he pushed down on you, letting up the pressure only so that he could watch you catch your breath and then take it away from you all over again.
You could feel another orgasm building up in your core, and this time you were chasing it, your abused pussy the last thing on your mind as you rolled your hips down on Jeonghan. You wanted him to come so badly. Wanted to feel him fill you up because you had felt so empty recently, and you must have been telling him exactly that because you felt Jeonghan’s cock twitch inside of you and:
“Yeah? You want it that badly?” He had somehow managed to steady his voice but you could tell by the sudden erraticness of his thrusts that he wasn’t actually that composed. You could also feel it in the slightly bending of his pointer fingers on the back of his neck, you were making it so hard for him not to come.
“Y-Yeah.” You finally managed to consciously get something out. “Need your cum so badly, don’t you want to fill me up? I want to feel full of you.”
Jeonghan tried to hum but it came out wrecked.
“So good at begging,” he praised and it affected you just as much as it did when he was degrading you. Your back arched and you pressed your chest into his tshirt covered chest. You couldn’t help it.
“Jeonghan pl-please, I-” You were interrupted not only by the feeling of come being shot deep inside of you but by Jeonghan’s lips crashing hard onto yours. You were crying like a baby on him as another orgasm was ripped through you and it hurt but the pain was practically null to the full burning pleasure that was filling your body as he shot string after string of cum inside of you.
His thrusting began to slow down until he was agonizingly slowly dragging his cock in and out of you. He was breathing hard against your lips, no longer kissing you, but pressed against your lips regardless. When he finally came to a stop inside of you his body slumped against yours.
“You’re so good for me,” he mumbled. “So good. Always so good for me.”
You didn’t respond to him, your fingers still tugging at his hair tightly as you tried to bring your breathing back to normal. Jeonghan didn’t really care about that. He slipped his cock out of you and before even a drop of his cum could leave he was pushing two of his fingers back into you.
“Such a sloppy little pussy,” Jeonghan mumbled against your lips and you could feel the smile. “Does it feel good?”
You had to be honest, and you breathed a yes, your body buzzing as he you felt his cum slowly being pushed deep into you, then threatening to drip out before being pushed right back into you.
“Jeong-“ You were going to come again, and you knew that Jeonghan could feel it because his thumb pressed to your clit again making you cry out in pleasure.
“Your really going to come from me fucking my cum into you?” He teased, and that was all he had to say before you were coming again. Sobbing against his lips.
“C-Can’t do more,” you begged breathily, and as you spoke Jeonghan was slipping his cock back into you. Once he was fully inside of you however he stopped completely, his head dipping down into your neck. He fell quiet, his chest rising and falling gently against you.
You were afraid to talk because the feeling in your heart was a lot heavier than it should be for someone that you had just started dating. You bit down on your lip on your lip to keep yourself from speaking.
“Y/n,” Jeonghan breathed against your neck, sending a chill through your body. “Y/n, I really do love you.”
He took the words that you were afraid to say to him right out of your mouth, and as you fought to figure out what to say back to him because surely such intense feelings from you to him was due to the post-sex haze your phone started to buzz on your counter. Your eyebrows furrowed and despite Jeonghan’s protests, you wrestled your way out of his arms and picked it up.
“Oh, it’s Yeongtae,” you mumbled. You didn’t think twice before sliding the green phone across your screen and putting the phone to your face, and it made Jeonghan groan unabashedly. He wrapped his arms around your body, tugging you into his chest, but you mostly ignored him.
“Hey,” you mumbled into your phone.
“My head hurts.” You pulled your phone away from your ear suddenly. He was so loud. “And I don’t know where I am.”
Your eyebrows furrowed, and you pulled away from Jeonghan a little bit.
“You don’t know where you are?”
“Last night I went home with a girl and we got on a bus? And we were kissing, and then we got off the bus? And now I’m in a neighborhood somewhere?”
You glanced at Jeonghan, putting your hand over the speaker.
“He’s lost,” you mouthed.
“Put it on speaker phone,” he mouthed back. You frowned slightly but did what he wanted to regardless.
“Can you see anything that you recognize?” You asked him.
“Uh…”
“Have you not tried using your gps?” Jeonghan asked. Yeongtae was silent for a second.
“Jeonghan? Y/n, you actually talked to him!” Came Yeongtae’s very loud voice. “He sounds jealous.”
“Do you want our help?” You asked Yeongtae sharply. He was silent for a few moments.
“Can you two come pick me up? I think I was on the bus for like three hours.”
“Three hours?” You blurted, unable to help it. “How drunk did you get?”
“Y/n please,” Yeongtae begged in the phone. “I won’t ask you guys again.”
You sighed, but not because of Yeongtae. You looked over at Jeonghan, not having to say a word for him to understand what you were asking him silently.
“We’ll come get you,” Jeonghan relented rolling his eyes. “And it’s okay if you ask again. What are best friends for?”
You didn’t let Yeongtae think about the slightly sarcastic way that Jeonghan added the best friends part- something that Yeongtae clearly didn’t even remember saying.
“Send me your location okay? We’ll be there soon just sit tight.”
“Okay.” Honestly Yeongtae sounded tiny over the phone. “I’ll see you two soon. Thank you.”
You ended the call between you two and before you could say anything Jeonghan was groaning and he was burying himself into your neck. You sighed, raising your hand to his head.
“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, honest. “It’s just-”
“It’s okay,” Jeonghan interrupted before you could say more. “I get it. You put up with Chaedom, I can put up with Yeongtae.”
He sighed, and pulled away from you a little bit.
“Besides, you’re mine right? Since we’re together it doesn’t matter if you hang out with Yeongtae or if I hang out with Chaedom.” You knew he was joking but you still sent him a glare. He laughed. “Yeongtae isn’t really that bad,” he admitted. “Weird. But he treats you well.”
Before you could ask Jeonghan if he was okay because oh my god, a nice thing about Yeongtae coming from Jeonghan’s mouth? You genuinely never thought you would see the day- Jeonghan was pulling apart from you.
“Okay, let’s get you in the shower,” he said. Your eyes widened in surprise.
“But Yeongtae-”
“He can wait,” Jeonghan pressed. “We’ve got to get you clean and then we’ll go get him.”
He fixed you with a serious look.
“But now that we’re dating? You have no excuse to avoid after care. After we get Yeongtae home you’re all mine okay? I just want to hold you.”
You pressed your lips together, just to prevent yourself from admitting how badly you wanted that. You just nodded. Jeonghan looked at you, clearly wanting you to say more but he didn’t push it. He sighed and mirrored your nod.
“You’re so good for me,” he mumbled, and the embarrassment caused warmth to crawl up your neck. “Come on.”
There will be a part 8 to the Pathetic Series! (That will probably be the final part)
“thought you wanted to help me de-stress?” minghao scoffed, laughing at the cries you let out.
he’d been so exhausted lately, falling asleep almost immediately every time he came home. it seemed like every day there was a new issue- a scolding from an instructor, being a few minutes late, not having the ‘right attitude’ at practice. so when you finally had a day off at the same time, you suggested he take out his frustrations on you.
expecting impact play or even for him to pull out a blindfold, you were completely speechless when he uncovered a wax candle, claiming it was ‘totally safe’ and that it ‘won’t even be that hot’. letting him tie your arms together behind your back, you were completely onboard with the new experience until the first drop ran down your spine.
“fuck ‘hao! ‘s too much” you whined, your voice muffled by the pillow.
he tipped the candle so a few more droplets fell next to the first streak of dried wax, the cries you let out only egging him on. “haven’t even fuckin’ started and you’re already complaining?”
pulling himself out of his boxers, he slowly jerked himself off as he let more wax land on your body, this time dripping it down your thighs. your screams slowly morphed into moans, the hot wax cooling and cracking on your skin an unfamiliar yet pleasant texture.
“m-more, please” you mumbled, immediately blushing at the sound of his laugh.
“weren’t you just fucking crying?” he spoke in disbelief, dripping wax from the base of your neck down to your tailbone. “god, sometimes i forget what a whore you are”
the extended burning sensation forced tears to fall from your eyes, your voice coming out desperate as you called minghao’s name.
“f-fuck again, say my name again” he moaned, stroking himself at an almost harsh pace.
“feels s-so good ‘hao! thank you” you cried, your voice sending him over the edge as he spilled his cum across the streaks of wax on your back.
“thank you baby, feel so much better” he breathed out, admiring the mess he reduced you to.
i didn’t write any of these fics! these are as it says, recommendations. i take no credit for anything written here lol
also, some links may be old, therefore access to the work is unavailable. i’ll try my best to keep everything updated, however whenever someone changes their url, it’s a bit hard to find their works.
if you have a fic you want added to a rec list, feel free to dm :] thank u for reading <3
