untitled

whut.

[xnerm-blog]

You shake me up like no other. You're supposed to be the one that got away, not the one that keeps coming back. I'm not even sure why you're messaging me. Most likely you're drunk but you couldn't ever tell me because of last time. Jesus I know you too well at this point but I know nothing about you. We were strangers that told each other things that would be difficult to even tell our blood. Do I miss you? Yeah. Can I miss you? I shouldn't. But sometimes I just miss time periods of life, even if they were crap. Something stuck out to make me miss it. Generally, I can't remember a lot from our old days. I did a lot to try to forget a lot. There are a few things that stick out and they involve you. I was young though. I'm still holding onto something from ten years ago. I love what I have now. That's why /you're/ the one that got away.

[xnerm-blog]

I wonder how many times I have to say "I'm lonely" before someone hears me.

[xnerm-blog]

Feeling

You know hair color is the only thing I've ever felt has been good enough? Every time I've tried to express my creativity, it never seemed "complete." People would tell me "Oh yeah it looks good!" knowing very well it looked like crap. Half-assed ideas that I put way too much effort into creating, but still missing something because it was a half-ass idea. The only thing to this day that makes sense in the way of being "complete" is to literally SCRIBBLE an excess of color onto walls, paper, etc. Honestly if I could do that, it would probably satisfy 99% of my problems. But hair color is so different. They're real ideas that other people can see too. That other people CAN HELP me express. All that crazy turned into something I can actually call art and be proud of. I can't remember a time I've ever FELT the feeling of excitement at the 'end result.' At MY 'end result.'

Now take that and know what it feels like to have it stand still. Stuck in a limbo you can't control. Stuck with no way to express what you love.

[xnerm-blog]

I forgot tumblr was a thing to be honest. Update; I graduated cosmetology school, yayy. And then I tanked by not getting my beacon entry in. That was a hard blow. Its fine.

I don't know, I'm somehow not happy anymore. I don't know, I feel betrayed. But I don't have anywhere to go to get away. That's not an excuse but I really don't want to go. I'm the type of person that keeps fighting through even though it could all be for not. Who knows though. I just don't know when to give up.

In other news, I want to say things about my friend. I've known this guy for...wow. Awhile. A good couple years. We've been down that road, this road, what road and who knows road way too many times. I honestly can't say I've ever seen him truly in a state of happiness. Either way, he's actually happy. As far as I can tell. It makes me over the moon to finally be able to relax from looking out for this guy. Never needed, just had to. Now I'm not complaining but after awhile you just kind of hope someone stops making the same mistakes in life. That's all.

And shame the people trying to ruin that because they just had a little too much of a salty diet. 🙄

[thepersonalquotes]

[xnerm-blog]

Learn about me.

I want to read your messages, anyone's messages, because I can't face the fact of not knowing anymore. My mind screams at me otherwise. I can't help it. NY mind is literally screaming. That's why I get mad.

[emotionalwords]

[thepersonalquotes]

[thepersonalquotes]

[thepersonalquotes]

[xnerm-blog]

Just kind of lonely.

[thepersonalwords]

I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past…be proud of your scars and that you’re still standing.

thepersonalwords (via thepersonalwords)

[xnerm-blog]

How do you feel happy. I don't think I'm happy anymore. I don't know why.

[xnerm-blog]

Someone help.

Going through everything, I feel like I can't function. All I see is people complaining about this generation "omg safe places!" And I'm just here like..."well...I needed one till people started making fun of it." Which is usually how shit goes with me. I keep regressing further inside myself because I'm afraid of everything. People make fun of other people for the things wrong with me. Which makes me fear it. Which makes me feel alone. I don't want to be made fun of ever again. I just want help. I don't know how to function at all. I'm like a ticking time bomb. I don't feel normal anymore. I feel like everything wrong with my body is making me retreat further. I don't know what's going on. I just want to feel normal. Feel like I can go outside again...

[thepersonalquotes]

[xnerm-blog]

Warning; sappy shit. Deal with it. I realized something last night. I lost someone who was so precious to me, so important. And then I lost someone else because I couldn't save them because I was too wrapped up in my own pain and suffering. Losing them both the way they had to be lost was so miserable. I didn't get to say I'm sorry or thank you or anything else...I remember saying things to specific people who will not be named about how I felt about one of them. I realized last night that maybe those feelings were meant to show me what I truly needed in the world. I have what I need. I have what I want. So thank you for being my guide.

[softlysaygoodbye]