Filthy Beauteous

A morbid fascination of art, truth, beauty, and pain.

[nevver]

Secret friends, AnaHell

[popovicnevena]

[xninaritax-blog]

My spirit animal

[sosuperawesome]

Temyong on Society6

• So Super Awesome is also on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest •

[nevver]

[xninaritax-blog]

[grunge-top]

- only grunge posts -

[vintage-cf]

vintage blog

[xninaritax-blog]

[xninaritax-blog]

If cars could speak

[vintage-cf]

vintage blog

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Skyline View from Austin Graffiti Park Castle Hill

[xninaritax-blog]

Skyline View of Austin from Castle Hill Graffiti Park.

[xninaritax-blog]

ANXIETY

Practicing positivity as a person with severe anxiety, is like a woman fighting a lion with a stick. Somedays she loses and the damn lion swallows her hole, somedays she breaks that stick in two, slaughters the lion. Dramatic? Perhaps, but that’s what anxiety is, it’s a mental illness that makes you believe that you’re in the worst possible place and there is absolutely no way out for you. The odds aren’t in your favor. I’ve dealt with anxiety since I was 16. I was clinically diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at 18 years old. I don’t believe I have BPD anymore. But I do suffer with my anxiety still. And every single day is a challenge. But I self-motivate myself every morning. I tell myself things are gonna be ok and whatnot. Yet, something so little as climbing a steep hill will send me into a panic. Climbing Down? FORGET IT. Might as well leave me on that hill.

Right now, I am actually dreading sleeping because of fear that tomorrow could be as shitty as today was. You feel me? You can send me a cyber hug.

[xninaritax-blog]

Dating For The Hardworking Girl

Dating should not be as complicated as it is. Maybe I am the one with the problem, or my independence has created my frustration with dating. I have yet to meet that one person that does not make me feel guilty about being focused at work. Someone usually gets upset at me for not putting in enough effort. And maybe they're right. But I can't allow myself to cut-up with my personal responsibilities in order to make someone happy. Is that selfish? Perhaps, it's a little immature as well. I don't know anymore. I just don't get excited about dating anymore. I used to get excited to see the person I liked, waited for them to contact me until I couldn't wait anymore and contacted them. Only to see I was the only one putting in effort. Now I am just tired. I enjoy staying at my apartment, spend my money on what I want, do whatever I please. Does it get lonely? Sometimes. But then I see awful relationships around me, and that terrifies me to let go of the grind. I never wanna be in a place where I have to soley depend upon a person emotionally/financially to be happy. I realize that may be part of being in a relationship. I just have to believe that someday I'll meet someone that gets my hustle. Someone who knows I don't need him to buy me everything, take me to expensive places, in order for him to feel he is responsible for me, and my freedom is indebted to him.

[xninaritax-blog]

Open Letter to American Evangelicals

Dear Brother and Sister,

For the record, I was you. I attended a very large church for 16 years. I wouldn’t say I was popular. But I made sure to do everything, volunteer all the time, and show up at every event. Up until 2014. I decided to leave the Church because I felt afraid of my Church. I felt mislead by the Pastor. Nevertheless, this is an open letter to you to share some insight from a girl who was YOU, and much better at playing the part. I was thinking about the lack of relationships I had with people outside of church before I left. Now that I am a “backslider” I can honestly say that I have more relationships than I did when I was in church. This letter is not to insult anyone. It is to bring a provoking perspective that can shed light on the fallacy notion, that if one truly loves Christ and wishes to be Holy as He is Holy, one must not mingle with sinners…only the saints. “But wait, Neah, I believe we are all sinners and I love everyone.” But let me ask, how many LGBT friends do you have? If a woman came to you seeking support on potentially having an abortion, would you still love and help her? How many people have you gone out of your way to bring to all the BIG events at your church? Why is it that the souls must come to YOU? Why not go to them? Or is the expectation that you only need to hand them a flyer and leave it at that? When your church is hosting a large event that requires a registration fee, what measures are taken that can provid entry to those with little income, or just welcoming opportunity to attend with no financial obligations? It makes me sad to see, that after near 3 years, a lot has not changed in evangelicals. The utter redundancy. The mediocrity. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Perhaps, the constant exclustion in Christianity today is incidental. I just wish we could realize that in order to truly fulfill God’s word, and promises, it requires us to step out of shallow waters, and go into deep murky waters. Doing hard things. Not easy, every day the same, routines and rituals. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Buying coffee for a person you would not normally socialize with. Listen to their story. I have learned that we are all on different paths. We know very little about the humans we exist with. We often make the mistake of thinking we truly know people by sin. Stop being about doing things, and start being about people.

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black and white

[theinturnetexplorer]

Man documents the one he let get away.

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I WAS HAPPY AND THEN I GOT SAD