bleed the freak

I am my own parasite I don’t need a host to live

[xnoybis]

[xnoybis]

man you want to believe your suffering is meaningful and not totally in vain you’ll inadvertently end up causing yourself more pain looking for a reason/waiting for some resolution that isn’t there or isn’t coming. how many years of my life gone down the toilet just jerking off to my own suffering. honestly this has been the most sobering (pun intended ) realization so far and brought me closer to finally feeling some semblance of calm

[xnoybis]

i think for the first time i am feeling some reprieve from the constant fucking emotional turmoil. it definitely doesn’t hurt that much anymore. or maybe it does but i am choosing to ignore it or not indulge it as much. im mostly just getting tired. i am finally feeling some semblance of calm.

[xnoybis]

I just want to bang my head against a wall bc the pain never goes away. It’s always there. Anytime I appear happy it’s just me trying with all my might to distract myself.

[xnoybis]

Wow kind of hit me that none of it is ever that serious and I don’t care about any of it anymore

Going to try my best to adapt this attitude (out of spite if needed)

[xnoybis]

I just want to bang my head against a wall bc the pain never goes away. It’s always there. Anytime I appear happy it’s just me trying with all my might to distract myself.

[xnoybis]

the idea another woman currently has sexual access to him fucks me up so bad

[xnoybis]

I admire him so deeply it feels like sacrilege to even look at another man or entertain dating he’s like Chris Cornell to me

[xnoybis]

actually been physically sick with shame and guilt thinking about my behavior the past year. was this latent bpd? where did it come from.. who was that

well i can navel gaze all i want i can’t undo the fucked up embarrassing things I’ve done :(

[xnoybis]

lost my appetite for the next year basically

[xnoybis]

been ten years of this (ten is a conservative number)

always in pain just a constant cycle of praying it gets better trying to distract myself then passing out because I simply do not want to feel anything

i really can’t think of a reason to go on aside from not wanting to hurt my family

I’ll never have the husband or friends or decent job what’s the point

[xnoybis]

i will always miss him. have zero desire to replace him. i am spiritually widowed and at peace with it.

[xnoybis]

my chest feels so heavy i am in so much pain i find myself praying it’s probably for nothing but real visceral pain is so humbling

[xnoybis]

Ugh my devotion to this man is borderline religious

[xnoybis]

having a panic attack just thinking about going back to work after three peaceful days at home

im aware my life isn’t uniquely difficult

it’s the fact i struggle with such basic things that makes it excruciatingly painful

knowing it’s not rational doesn’t make it easier

literally just being tortured by own brain for no discernible reason

[xnoybis]

not for me-Ella Fitzgerald

just perpetually watching everyone around me find love or generally have things work out for them 🙃

[xnoybis]

Song about meaningless sex

[xnoybis]

Ever since I met him I have zero interest in ever entertaining or even looking at other men. I just don’t see the point. It’s been years and it will probably remain that way.

Unfortunately he now has zero interest in me.