tw
i'm sorry for pushing all of you away. i don't have any motive or ugly intentions. there's not any easy way to tell people i'm not doing okay. i am doing maybe the worst i've been. i have a lot of ugly thoughts toward myself. i am unwell and the process of help and healing is really fucking scary. being alone is also scary but suicidal delusion makes me want to believe that's just how it's going to be.
i don't even know if this makes sense. i've been catastrophizing so hard with no frame of reference for what comfort is supposed to feel like. i need serious professional help. i'm sorry for being scared. and hurt, and acting ugly and distant. i don't know who wants me around anymore. i'm sorry to everyone that has tried to reassure me and that i hadn't retained it. my thoughts are doing everything in their power to destroy me, my hope, what makes me good.
