WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM

<3

[xreallyanythingx]

First adult heartbreak

I stopped dating for almost 2 years basically after I came out due to a few important reasons. For one thing even though i did come out, i am fully aware i have not accepted myself in my own head about being gay. I still have homophobic thoughts and feel uncomfortable discussing the topic. Second, I cannot date while I live with my parents because that would mean bare minimum to my girlfriend and not treating her as she deserves. Third, i am not in a career and financial position where i see myself having time for a partner. All those reasons however do not make loneliness and human needs go away lol.

Fast forward to this past August, i met a beautiful wonderful girl on hinge. I was in the mindset of keeping things casual with whoever I met but things felt different with her. I have this mindset of if i meet someone i truly like and see a future with then the reasons i mentioned before would not matter and i would be serious about a relationship. When I took this girl on our first date, the second i laid eyes on her i got the feeling of “i will do absolutely anything and everything it takes to keep this woman in my life.” That date will forever be memorable to me because it was the first time i was in public with a romantic interest where i did not feel self conscious or embarrassed about. I did not care if everyone knew i was gay, fuck atp i wanted everyone to know i was on a date with such an amazing woman. I never felt that way before. We connected so well, she really as someone i saw a whole future with. For the next few weeks, i was another person imo. I was a happier, healthier, kinder, etc. I wanted to go above and beyond. I was truly understanding what people felt when they talk about love. I was excited. Then of course idk what happened. I perhaps allowed my anxious attachment habits crawl out and perhaps i overwhelmed her? I may have said something incredibly stupid. I may have given her the ick. I may have taken things too slow? I may have disrespected her? Maybe the whole time she was expecting something else? Maybe she really just didnt feel it anymore? Idk. Something happened and things stopped.

It’s been two months now since she ended things. I’ll be honest, i havent exaclty gotten over it… i am definitely doing better than the first 2 weeks but every day consists of thinking about her, checking up on her, reminiscing our conversations and trying to figure out what went wrong. I have talked about this a lot with myself and with my friends. I’m honestly just tired of these thoughts i have, even writing this post is dreadful because i dont want to talk or think about it anymore. Yet i find myself thinking about her almost every fucking minute im awake. Im tired of it.

I have came to my conclusions to this whole situation after 2 months. I do not regret meeting her because she showed me how much love i am capable of giving when i truly like someone. I have standards of who i should date and what i am capable of receiving. I will never ever let someone into my life that easily ever again no matter how sweet they seem to be (love bombing fucked me over lmao). I have said my peace (i literally told her how i felt and she still chose to leave) and therefore it is her decision to come back or not. We meet other people depending on where we ourselves are in life. Therefore i know i will meet someone better suited for me as i enter a new chapter in my life (aka moving out lol). I do not believe in soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible with us and it is up to us to choose who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I am proud to say I am who I am because of myself. Although she broke my heart, everything i built for myself was due to me and therefore i can rebuild myself again and better without her. All she did was uncover parts of myself i didnt know i had but regardless it was already there. Life was great before her and now life will be better without her.

I miss her dearly but ya me conozco tambien, i get over shit so i just have to actively put energy into myself again and allow time to do its thing. Its funny though because i feel like once I am over this situation, a part of me feels like its been permanently broken/tainted. When i have the moments where i feel okay, i still feel this cloud over me, a constant guard i have up. I dont know how to describe it but essentially i dont think i’ll ever be the same exact kind of happy i was before i met her. I’ll most definitely be happy again but never the same. I dont think thats a bad thing but its definitely interesting to think about.

24.

[xreallyanythingx]

YOU DID IT

After years of crying, anxiety and living in fear, I finally came out to my parents!!

So far, everything has gone how I would imagine it just less hysterical thank God (yeah i still capitalize your name G even though you’re part of the reason why this is going so badly). So far the plan is to talk to a priest at the church and then go to therapy in Mexico with a Catholic Psychologist because of course bias doesn’t exist. I decided to not declare that I have a girlfriend but I have stated that I have been in relations with girls before just so they could kill that, “What if you like guys more,” or “You never been with a girl,” bs right away. This week supposedly I can’t go out because I need to reflect... as if these past years I have not already... 

I know this is a shock to them which is why I have decided to be fair and let them handle it their way. However, I told them if therapy and talking does not work then I will continue my life as an active gay (lmao). 

I could not take the pain I had being in the closest anymore when I have seen how my life can be without hating myself every day. I was so afraid of losing my current life that I had to ask myself, “Do I even LIKE this life?” I am ready for my new chapter in life, if it’s with or without my parents. I know their pain is not my fault, it is not my fault they chose to take something so personal about MY life and make it about God and themselves. 

It has only been like 2 days but I mean I feel like I want to write my thoughts down. 

My current feelings is relief and happiness. Of course there’s the anxiety of waiting for my parents to completely flip when they realize they can’t “fix” me but that’s why I am on mission to prepare myself for the worse. 

22 and I just did not care enough to keep hiding this part of myself anymore.

[xreallyanythingx]

i feel horrible too cause this dude is great, he’s nice and funny, he’s great and im leading him on cause im fucked in the head lmao. WELL there’s one thing i can do right, i can stop whatever the fuck this is and deal with myself again. It’s great to see that i am acutally not okay and not ready for anything/anyone until i can figure myself out ! positivity !

[xreallyanythingx]

quick, does it take a genius to know something is wrong when the fact that everytime i think about this dude i want to throw up ? The fact that my last trigger posts was literally the night after I went out with this dude. And yet, here i am STILL convining myself im a little straight. 

I’m here again cause i feel SICK that i agreed to hang out again and now im procasinting hw so i have an excuse not to go. fffffssssss ... honestly it could be the weed addiciton that is making me feel so all over the place lately but again,,, why am i smoking? Cuase i get forget that i hate myself? lol yes. i need to leave this house now. I think i used all my mental strenght in high school to not kms honestly cause i feel so fucking weak when i have nights like these now. My brain literally cannot fight anymore ,,, im so fucking done. 

[xreallyanythingx]

I hate myself, every single thing about me, i hate it

[xreallyanythingx]

Also funny story

I am at the absolute last fucking strand of living at home that i cant go out with my parents anymore without almost coming out. I cannot stand being around them because when i look at them, i remeber why i always want to fucking kill myself, why i have not been truly happy a single day in the past 7 years. The tears, the pain , just fucking everything is because of them. And it doesnt help when they call me ungrateful or that i should be gratful for parents like them because honestly in a heart beat i”d replace them

[xreallyanythingx]

PWhen was the last time i got on here to say i hated myself?…. Been a while…. Thought i made progress ? Or maybe it’s just a step back idk…. I really do hate myself. I hate everything i am . Of all the things i could be lmao

Why cant i just accept myself ,m,m why do i always question myself

I feel so fucking unhappy. I keep lying ans lying to myself and for what ?

My life literally feels grey. I dont see myself ever acutally happy, im always just putting a show. I hate myself so much and if i could just emd it i would.

No matter how much i think i’ve made progress, i’ll always come back to this feeling because all the “progress” i made was just lies to keep myself going.

Im not going to get better until i leave this house. Absolutely no other solution.

[xreallyanythingx]

Waiting for this earthquake to strike so I can die :) Or when I join the Air Force so I can die :)

[xreallyanythingx]

I don't want to jinx it but lmao i haven't had a thought of dying in months omg. Love that.

[xreallyanythingx]

Part 27373 of me using tumblr for my stupid phase feelings

So I've always had a problem with letting *things* go. Not like arguments and stuff like that, like actual physical objects whether it be material or people. I don't finish the end of TV shows or video games because it HURTS, i hate the feeling of "it's all over" or "it's never going to be the same" or basically my comfort is destroyed. I have been lucky till today that I've never had to really deal with letting people go because I feel like people i have let go came naturally, where I didn't mind. I guess the universe was keeping that from me till this week cause two of my coworkers (who I've grown close to) are leaving, my brother is leaving to Sacramento for firefighter training (I axutally wasn't too sad cause he's finally achieving something) and the girl I like is moving away (i really did like her lmao). And to be completely honest, none of these would've hurt me if they weren't all at the same fucking time lmao. I feel like my brain has never had so many people, who i actually really like, leave in such a short period of time and it's stressing me out. At the same time, i feel like this is perfect practice for me to get over my fear of people leaving since my comfort will be destroyed cause honestly if i can deal with my brother, my crush, and my friends leaving then mentally ill mature and no longer feel that hole in my heart so intensely or for a shorter amount of time.

Also fuck Oklahoma, both of my work crushes have/are moving there >:(

[xreallyanythingx]

Deleted my twitter so I’ll say it on here...... WOMEN ARE SO HARD TO TALK TO UNLESS IM JUST OVERTHINKING IT.

[clexa-traash]

So you’re only gonna watch the show because they are gay people in it??

[xreallyanythingx]

Usually my posts on here are heat of the moment and I usually laugh back on them but one post I read that is still valid is that I really fucked up on my college applications and that I should be somewhere very far from here. I feel like even the universe didn't think I'd fuck up that bad and end up stuck at home. I just feel so stuck here, even before this whole lockdown. It's like my fuckup added one more step I have to get over now. I just feel so lost sometimes so out of place.

[xreallyanythingx]

Looking back at this and nah, the universe knows your destiny. I just gotta make the best of what I have and improve on that. Period lmao

[iconsmoo]

MAMAMOO DINGGA

[itmightrain]

[xreallyanythingx]

I hate g*ys but times like these makes me wish I had a g*y friend to talk to lmao

[xreallyanythingx]

farmers don't have to worry about discrete maths so why do I >:(

[xreallyanythingx]

Usually my posts on here are heat of the moment and I usually laugh back on them but one post I read that is still valid is that I really fucked up on my college applications and that I should be somewhere very far from here. I feel like even the universe didn't think I'd fuck up that bad and end up stuck at home. I just feel so stuck here, even before this whole lockdown. It's like my fuckup added one more step I have to get over now. I just feel so lost sometimes so out of place.