My Rotten Candy

Personal blog

[xrottencandyx]

Overgrown Love.

There is an almost pitiful kind of irony when hearing women complain of being shot with cupids arrow. Hearing them curse and spite at the love god with distain and disappointment. However, there is us. The women who have been waiting to feel the piercing feeling of an arrow in their back. The women who have begun to believe that he is never coming and yet wait regardless. We are love sick teenagers that have turned into frozen statues while standing in their overgrown garden of roses, hands out reached towards the sky in with a offering, hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

[xrottencandyx]

Youngest.

They say growing up as the youngest child is always easy. They assume you are spoiled rotten, are always looked after, are always cared for, and always the favorite. I never understood how they could think that. How could they not see how lonely we are? How we are spoiled with gifts when all we truly want is affection. How with every "I'm busy." we normalize playing alone. How we notice the deep bonds our older siblings share that we will never understand nor gain. We learn early on that we are adored and cared for, but it is never in the way we need. We learn it is easier to sink into our imaginations, playing pretend alone than to risk the disappointment of being rejected and sent away by a loved on. We learn to welcome the loneliness in, invite it for tea parties, let it drive the space ship, and hold its hand when we dance around. We learn to physically be present but mentally be somewhere that we are wanted. The youngest doesn't have it easy. We just aren't wanted around enough to be counted as a potential problem.

[xrottencandyx]

"I'm always the one that got away, but its because people only fall in love with me when I'm already gone."

- Myself

[xrottencandyx]

"How do you handle rejection so well?"

Because I am used to it. And I don't mean that in a pitiful way. I mean it honestly. I know I am not entitled to be wanted. To be loved. To be desired. It would be foolish of me to demand something that cannot be given freely. When you are rejected over and over you have two choices. You can either adapt and accept the hurt or turn that hurt into anger. The first option seems to confuse others though. It's as if they cannot understand the concept of adapting to emotion. They don't understand how someone can simply be resigned in the fact that they might never find someone who will return their feelings in kind. For me it took years, questioning if I was unlovable, if some god had decided any fate with love would not come for me in this life time. And now here I am. Sitting alone, never making an attempt to confess my feelings or love to those my heart has grown attached to. I live in a world filled with love and yet I do not try to take anything, for I believe it is not for me. I honestly think that I am meant to fall in love, yet never be caught. And that's ok. I do not feel anger or resentment towards those who do not want to catch me, towards those who do not want to fall with me. I wish them the best that life has to offer and I hope they find happiness regardless. Besides, there's always a chance in the next life, right?

[xrottencandyx]

Unknown soulmate

I once had a dream where I played an online game. I was all alone but then I met another player who found me. His voice was familiar yet new. He laughed with me. He taught new things. He he kept me safe. He said the sweetest things. He made me feel like my heart mattered.

But then it happens. He tells me its time for him to get off. My heart aches. I beg him to play a bit longer but he can't. Before he leaves her promises to play with me again. His words were simple but filled my chest with a feeling of hope. A hope that the love he showed me will come back. And then I wake. And even now I still wait to experience the love from a faceless man, who eventually reveals that he's my dream come true.

[xrottencandyx]

October 20th.

This picture was taken October 20th. The same day I lost you. I remember not sleeping that night, questioning if you had gotten enough out of life. If you had truly lived. I blamed myself for not being able to show you a lake. Or a beach. Or a forest. I blamed others for not giving me the chance to, for limiting my options. You left me on a cool fall morning, with the trees still green yet the air chilling. The car ride was much too short. I remember getting out of the car and taking you into my arms, hoping that you were able to see the clear blue sky above you one last time. It was surreal walking inside the vets office, feeling the weight of you in my arms, only to walk out without you. Now I find myself looking for you in the very same sky that lost you under, hoping for a moment I could catch a glimpse of you. Whether day or night. Cloudy or clear. In the sun. In the moon. In the stars. But I know better now. You would never let yourself dance in the cosmos, you’re too silly for that. Instead you hide your yapping barks in the rain that hits my window, your pattering paw sounds in the rustling leaves, and your dramatically attention seeking whines in the drunk ramblings of my aunt in the next room. In the time you have been gone you have shown me that death does not mean you travel to a place beyond comprehension, a place in the cosmos that I cannot reach. I have realized that you have always been here. I’ve just been looking instead of listening.

[xrottencandyx]

Loving monsters is normal.

When you have been disappointed, let down, and just over all hurt because of everyday "humans" then at some point you begin trying to find love in something that has the lowest chances of hurting you the others did. Monsters hurt. They scratch They bite They roar. But even that is better than having your heart hurt by someone who wasn't supposed to hurt you.

[xrottencandyx]

I wrote this while half asleep and didn't see the grammar mistakes XD. My bad guys

[xrottencandyx]

"I am a caterpillar who was never given the chance to become something happily, ecstatically different."

[xrottencandyx]

Loving monsters is normal.

When you have been disappointed, let down, and just over all hurt because of everyday "humans" then at some point you begin trying to find love in something that has the lowest chances of hurting you the way others did. Monsters hurt. They scratch They bite They roar. But even that is better than having your heart hurt by someone who wasn't supposed to hurt you.

[xrottencandyx]

"No words can describe how dearly I wish to be held with pure tenderness, feel the passion run through my heart like a soaring dove in the early spring air. Love that is grace, and yet, does not hide its want for a soul binding experience. My yearning to have my heart seen and taken as it is without any hesitations or conditions is both a blessing and a heartache that I wish upon no one." - Myself

[xrottencandyx]

Shut In.

When you become a shut in kind of person you don't really notice at first. The computer screen is your friends and family. You have plenty of snacks and drinks. Just stay inside. No worries. However, eventually, you realize you don't remember what the sun feels like. So you go outside and stand under the sun rays, arms outstretched like you're awaiting the best hug of your life. Once you're done you go back inside like nothing happened. When you become a shut in kind of person you don't really notice at first, but that doesn't mean you can enjoy the warmth of something familiar yet new.

[xrottencandyx]

Lines from stories I will never write.

"I now finding myself questioning whether it was love that I felt for him, or if what I had just wanted something to be mine for once.

"To some, only death's cold lustral embrace is the only thing that can remind them what true warmth feels like."

"It does not matter if we are not real. Everything could have no meaning, no purpose, no reason of existence and I would defy those very rules without care if it means to experience you to the fullest. Fake or not."

"You can feel bad. You can feel sorrow. I can feel heartache. If you weren't supposed to feel those emotions then you would dance when the world was cruel to you."

"Society's standards of beauty are so that if Venus were to be born from the sea tomorrow, her body would be nothing more that thinning dandelion hair and taut shimmering opalescent skin as she tries desperately to prove the her worth in every pound of rose red flesh."

"You know so little about me because you either didn't care enough to see me or you actively choose to ignore me."

"I hope that when we die, death kisses the lips of those who were born with hearts too big and people too greedy. I hope that, for just a moment, their souls will know what the feeling of being caught after falling in love is like."

"You say you miss the old me, when in reality the only thing you knew about her was how easy she was to string along in your messed up little game. You're just upset that the new me doesn't want to play."

"My childhood was like an empty family portrait. I remember smiling for the picture, but when I see it now I realize that it's just me sitting off to the side among nothing but empty spaces that once held someone I thought had loved me."

"God. Now that I think about it. The reason I fell in love with your eyes wasn't because they looked like the ocean or the sky, it was because I still, to this day, can't figure out which one they match more to."

"Being loved by you is not a right. It's not something someone can demand. It is a privilege. Its One that makes me feel worthy of everything for the first time in my life."

"Just because it's for the better doesn't mean it's better for my heart."

"When we return to nothing let's be nothing together this time."

"Fuck loving me when I'm old and grey. I want you to love me when life makes me eventually trade my wings for a pair of horns to survive."

"During rainy nights, when the thunder is close enough to hear but far enough to be a soft rumble, when my room is cold enough to make me shiver but just warm enough that I only need one blanket. When my I recognize the emptiness of the space I lay in, that is when you're mine to hold. Just for the night."