This picture was taken October 20th.
The same day I lost you.
I remember not sleeping that night, questioning if you had gotten enough out of life. If you had truly lived.
I blamed myself for not being able to show you a lake.
Or a beach.
Or a forest.
I blamed others for not giving me the chance to, for limiting my options.
You left me on a cool fall morning, with the trees still green yet the air chilling.
The car ride was much too short.
I remember getting out of the car and taking you into my arms, hoping that you were able to see the clear blue sky above you one last time.
It was surreal walking inside the vets office, feeling the weight of you in my arms, only to walk out without you.
Now I find myself looking for you in the very same sky that lost you under, hoping for a moment I could catch a glimpse of you.
Whether day or night. Cloudy or clear. In the sun. In the moon. In the stars.
But I know better now. You would never let yourself dance in the cosmos, you’re too silly for that.
Instead you hide your yapping barks in the rain that hits my window, your pattering paw sounds in the rustling leaves, and your dramatically attention seeking whines in the drunk ramblings of my aunt in the next room.
In the time you have been gone you have shown me that death does not mean you travel to a place beyond comprehension, a place in the cosmos that I cannot reach.
I have realized that you have always been here. I’ve just been looking instead of listening.
The Grief hits at unexpected moments
In the midst of a meeting or conversation
A phrase that matches how you spoke
A meme that was in your sense of humor
The Denial arrives when I can reminisce
I check my texts for a reply that won't come
My question answered by a losing battle
The final thought wondering how you were
The Anger comes at things I can't control
At a car that won't accelerate like a Porsche
The store being sold out of sour candies
Realizing a cure won't come in my life
The Depression encapsulates it all
Smiles feel like masks, hiding the sadness
Laughter ends with unfamiliar ping of pain
Feeling like a turtle in their shell hiding away
The Acceptance hasn't made it here yet
It still feels like it is days, no, weeks away
It moves closer with each passing minute
The circle'll close, never forgetting what was
But finally having strength to move on
18+ blog: It is YOUR responsibility, as a reader, to think about the content that you consume at your own discretion.
A/N: Events take place after Avengers but Loki ends up living on Earth, instead of imprisonment like in Thor: The Dark World. Also instead of Loki dying at the end of said events he survives and he's there for the events of Avengers: Age of Ultron, which is where this story takes place.
~
Summary: You are Loki's best friend. Your friendship with him has grown strong over the past three years, that he's been living with you and the rest of the Avengers in the compound. Over the course of those three years, you've had a suspicion about Loki's sexuality. However, he has never expressed to you out loud about the subject, until now.
Warnings: some wearing
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Tony was throwing another one of his many famous parties. This one in particular was to celebrate how successful his new project Ultron the global defence program had been. He pulled out all the stops, inviting a huge amount of people from Stark Industries, and close friends both Avengers and non-Avengers alike. Also Tony made sure the compound was fully decked out, including a disco ball, DJ booth and a shit ton of alcohol. And while the party was picking up with party guests you spotted Clint, Bruce and Steve chatting amongst themselves. You decided to head over to them with a glass of champagne in hand. Although, Steve was the first to comment on your outfit. You'd gone for a burgundy deep v neck, spaghetti criss-cross strapped dress, which is backless with a sparkly top half and a mesh bottom. With simple makeup, you wore (h/c) hair down and black stilettos. You thanked Steve as he kissed your cheek. Bruce and Clint soon followed up with compliments of their own. After a while of conversing with Clint, Bruce and Steve you went for a little walk around, quickly saying a few words to others as you passed. However, there was only one person or god rather who could make this party more fun. Your best friend, the God of Mischief himself, Loki Laufeyson. Yet, he was running late, which was making you wish that he'd hurry up. You were already on your second drink of the evening and recently you had been hit on by an asshole, with another one vastly approaching you.
"You look lovely, this evening." The guy said once he was by your side. He's quite jacked compared to the last one who approached you, although not anywhere as close to Thor's kind of level. This one was probably even slightly shorter than Thor too. He certainly has hazel wandering eyes, as he looked you up and down a few times already.
"Thanks, not interested." You replied flatly and you rolled your (e/c) eyes.
"C'mon, you haven't begun to get to know me yet!" He whined.
"I don't plan on getting to know you." You tried to edge away from him, but his hand was quick to grab your elbow and keep you in place.
"Now, now play nice." He growled into your ear. You were about to stab his foot with your stilettos but...
"Hands off what isn't yours!" A snarl came suddenly from behind you both.
As you looked over your shoulder you saw your best friend towering over you both. A smile spread across your wine coloured lips, as you looked between Loki and the other guy. Of course, it didn't take long for the guy who was hitting on you to understand the consequences, if he continued to pursue you. Once he was out of ear shot both you and Loki laughed.
"God, I hate it when men think they can get away with being all handy, when it's not wanted." You clicked your tongue and shook your head.
"Ehehe, you could have taken him." Loki said as he folded his arms over his chest.
"And I would have! Thanks though." You took a quick sip of your drink.
"He's right though." You frowned at Loki's comment. "You do look lovely tonight. No...exquisite!" Loki said honestly.
"You look handsome too!" You said while dusting the invisible lints off his forest green suit jacket. Which he paired with a matching green waistcoat over a black shirt. The first three buttons on his shirt were left undone too, allowing his chest hair to peek through. He also went with a pair of black slacks and shoes. His black hair was slicked back as always, but not heavily done with product, which gave it more of a bouncy look at the curly ends. "So, why are you late to Tony's party?
"I got held up on a last minute mission, or stake out rather...Stark sent me to check out a place in Chinatown. A possible lead on an unsavoury type of group with Hydra connections. Yet, I feel like he sent me there so he could get me out of the way, while preparations for tonight were ongoing." Loki explained in a dreary voice. The sound of his voice was enough for you to know there was something off about him, but you knew he'd come around when he was ready to talk to you.
"Ah, and did you find anything useful?" You inquired, while tapping your glass with your index finger a couple of times.
"Nope! It was pretty quiet, but I left an illusion of me to keep watch for a bit. Meanwhile I am here to brighten up your evening!" Loki said and conjured up a glass of champagne to clink him with yours. Which he did, then you both took a sip.
Sometime later Loki's illusion varnished from his position, after finding nothing usual. While the real Loki had you out on the dance floor, after a lot of persuasion and a lot to drink. You had to admit he had moves. And he knew how to roll his hips in the most sexy alluring way possible. Not only that though he has charm, wit, intelligence and devilishly handsome looks. You couldn't understand why he was still single. Although, you have yet to see him date anyone since coming to live on Earth. You supposed the attack on New York three years ago had its side effects, resulting in less people trusting him, and leading to less partners to choose from. In fact ever since you'd gotten to know Loki you suspected Loki to be bisexual. He just had that aura about him, not only that he never expressed or brought up his sexuality, ever. It was the only thing he hasn't spoken to you about, as everything else over the years he has talked about, once he knew he could trust you.
"Can we sit down for a bit?" You asked, after Loki had spun you around too much and you were a bit tipsy as it was.
"Yes, of course! Let's get you somewhere quieter." Loki wrapped your arm around his then he led you out of the main area of the party, next he escorted you to a more secluded area upstairs. Where it was a little quieter, but you could still see everything if you were by the railing, although you could mostly definitely hear everything going on.
Loki sat you down on the large white leather sofa and he took the one opposite you, with a rectangular black wooden coffee table between you. Your eyes closed and your head fell backwards onto the low back of the sofa, as you tried to recover from the horrible spinning feeling. Whereas Loki remained quiet while being deep in thought. Even though you weren't looking at him you could sense him thinking. Eventually your eyes fluttered open and you readjusted your dress as you sat up. Loki was still deep in thought and hadn't noticed you moving, not until you sat closer to him on the same sofa and....
"Hey!' You poked Loki's arm firmly with your index finger and gained his attention.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" He replied with a half smile.
"Better. Too much spinning." You both chuckled. "How about you? You seem to be profoundly thinking."
"I'm fine. Just thinking about the stake out and being sent there, so I wasn't in the way....it's all I can believe to be the answer, because why would they be hiding out in Chinatown?" Loki shrugged.
"Don't let Tony get to you, he gets very angsty and his party mood is a way he deals with it sometimes. As for this group, they'd normally go somewhere less conspicuous for a base." You said leaning into his side. "Besides, do you think SHIELD knows anything about this group? Assuming they are a real group."
"Possibly and yes they are...although they all seem to be keeping their cards close to their chests. Yet, I have a suspicion that there could perhaps be a new agenda on the horizon..." Loki replied. Also he wasn't too keen on Stark's Ultron project, and he always seemed to grumble any time Tony talked about it. Albeit Loki quickly changed the subject, as he no longer wanted to discuss work.
After a while you were starting to feel peckish, so you had some food and sobered up a little. Loki also picked some of the food off your plate, earning a few looks from Natasha. Looks of childish assumptions that you two were getting close to couple territory. He glared back at her for even thinking of the sort. He does love you and you love him too, but not in the way Natasha was thinking. Neither of you wanted more than what you have. Friendship was the be all and end all of your relationship. Once you'd finished eating you went to the bathroom and picked up your bag, before you returned you took Loki by the hand, leading him out of the party. He was confused about why you were leaving so early, and he was surprised to see an Uber driver waiting at the end of the driveway. He gathered you must have made a call between going to or from the bathroom, which he had guessed right. Although he didn't ask any questions, which you thought was very uncharacteristic of him, you told him to trust you. Within the next twenty to twenty-five minutes you arrived at your destination. Loki looked up at the building once the Uber driver pulled up outside of it. Upon seeing it he frowned his brows with confusion. You'd taken him to the Fleur room, a rooftop lounge and a place he certainly wasn't expecting, as you both just came from a party. He knew you must have your reasons, but for now he wasn't sure. He hadn't even noticed you paying or getting out of the car, until you appeared on the pavement on his side of the car. You smiled and guested with your head for him to follow you. He hesitantly got out and joined you, allowing you to guide him up to the front of the queue. The bouncer took a look at you both up and down a few times. He seemed to glare more into Loki's direction, testing to see if he was going to cause any trouble, evidently it made Loki's body stiffen next to you.
"He's an Avenger now." You stared at the bouncer and crossed your arms under your breasts, while narrowing your eyes at him.
"Come on (Y/N), let's just go home." Loki said, trying to get you to turn around by tugging on your arm. Despite his great strength he wasn't very forceful with his tug.
"No! You have a right as anyone to be here!" You snipped a little at Loki, regretting it right away. You then calmed yourself down and returned your attention back to the bouncer. Loki didn't take your snippy moment to heart, as he knew you weren't angry at him."You forget that within the first few months of joining he saved over thirty lives during ..."
"OH MY GOD!" A female voice screeched and interrupted you from your point, causing everybody nearby to investigate where the voice was coming from. Suddenly, the voice had a body, as a woman at the end of the queue came running towards Loki. You guessed her to be in her late twenties to early thirties. She was dressed to the nines and wore skyscraper heels. She was wobbly too as she ran due to her heels, and possibly a large amount of alcohol she's probably already consumed. "OH MY GOD, IT'S LOKI!" She screeched again and then a couple of others, seemingly her friends, were slowly catching up with her.
Loki just stared wide eyed as the woman approached him and stumbled into his arms, as she tripped over her own feet. She giggled looking up to him through her long lashes. You rolled your eyes at her 'clumsiness' and huffed. The others in the queue were starting to whisper and laugh amongst themselves, as they continued to watch everything unfold.
"Thanks, handsome." She giggled again as Loki steadied her on her feet. But he became uncomfortable when she kept eyeing him up, and she ran her hand down his firm chest.
"You're welcome, ma'am." Loki said, while removing her hand and trying to get her to keep herself to herself. The bouncer seemed to be enjoying Loki's awkwardness, while you just wanted to go inside already.
"Wanna dance?" The woman asked as she tried to reach out to Loki again, but only to have her hand swatted away.
"Er..." Loki began to come up with an excuse, but ended up being interrupted.
"I'm sure he would!" The bounce chimed in and finally allowed Loki entry, as he probably had some funny images of Loki being stuck with her for the night.
The bouncer moved the rope to one side as the woman began walking his way, she took Loki's hand on her way and began to head inside, but he managed to grab yours too just in time. The woman's friends followed in behind the three of you, they seemed to be followers rather than have their own brains. Luckily you managed to help Loki get loose from the woman's grip, then lost her and her friends in the crowd, and made your way to the bar. The far corner of the bar was by far the best place, because it was crowded therefore, you could hide for a while.
Loki ordered a round of drinks and kept you close. As you sipped on your drink you began examining nearby faces over Loki's shoulder, yet, he was quick to block your view. He'd spotted the woman from outside prowling around ,and he was trying to remain hidden. You caught on and you became worried when she got closer, until you noticed a green shimmer around yourself and Loki. He was shielding you both from her sight. When she was far enough away Loki dropped the invisible shield, causing laughter to erupt from both of you as the woman was throwing a fit, and her friends were still following her around like lap dogs.
Some time later. Loki and yourself had consumed a great deal of alcohol already, and he'd gotten you on numerous occasions onto the dance floor. Despite how much you'd both drank, neither of you were completely wasted. Thankfully the woman from outside had long gone. As she got thrown out for her tantrum, after she couldn't find her 'godly hot mess' as she referred to Loki as, when she was escorted out. Also you were constantly trying to find someone worthy enough to date your best friend. You would sneak off from time to time in search of such a person, and try to cover it up with fresh drinks in hand upon your return.
"There's something....something I want to tell you!" Loki shouted in a slurry voice over the music.
"Go ahead!" You yelled back.
"Not here!" Loki replied and took your hand, leading you away from everyone and off the dance floor.
As you walked down a corridor Loki ducked you into a private room. A room you assumed was meant only for VIPS or a hire out kind of room. Luckily the room was deserted when Loki opened the door. He flicked his wrist and the lights turned on as he led you further into the room, followed by a second flick of his wrist and the door closed behind you. He got you to sit down next to him on the black leather sofa, while facing each other. He shifted so he had a leg up on the sofa, while the other was firmly planted on the floor, he proceeded to unbutton his suit jacket to get more comfortable. While you adjusted yourself a little and tucked one ankle behind the other.
"(Y/N)...." Loki stretched out a few of the letters in your name, before frowning as the play back in his mind didn't sound right. Although both of you just laughed it off. "(Y/N), you're the best-best mortal-friend ever. You trusted me when no else did, and you believed in me when not-myself did."
"Well, you are difficult at times, but really you're a big pussy cat at heart." You teased and playfully hit his arm.
"Ehehe, speaking of pussy cats....you've been sneaky, (Y/N)" He replied again, stretching out some letters in your name, as he pointed his index finger into your face. The way he was acting was far too amusing and you couldn't contain your laughter. "Heyyyyyy, I'm trying to be serious here." He laughed but groaned at the same time.
"Sorry, what are you trying to say?" You replied, the smirk not leaving your face.
"I nose-know why you wanted me to get drunk." You wanted to say something, but he held up his finger to your lips and smiled. "You wanted me to loosen up and see if I'd find someone tonight and not one of Stark's lot." The last sentence seemed to sound more than less like a sobered up Loki. Very little slurs could be heard, or anything else to point out how much alcohol he's had. "I admit I've never gone on any dates since living on Midgard, nor did I like you mortals anymore than mortals liked me. (Y/N), you're the one who proved to me how great you mortals can be. The others did too. I guess my fear of being alone has kept me in the dark...being accepted as an Avenger is only part of the battle. Being a god and a mischievous one at that, who can shape-shift, perform conjuration, astral project amongst other abilities...are all part of that acceptance. That you've all had to come to terms with. Including my heritage of being a Frost giant." Loki removed his finger from your lips and hung his head low in silence, as if he was thinking about his next choice of words.
"Loki?" You hooked your fingers under his chin and brought his head up, so you could look him in the eyes.
"One thing I've never told you or anyone..." Loki's jaw clenched as tears pricked his eyes, which was making you want to cry too. "I like a bit of both...I-I'm bisexual." You started to grind as tears did fall this time and your face confused him.
"I know." You said gently through your tears.
"You-you do?" Loki then began to cry. You quickly wrapped your arms around Loki and held him tight.
"Yes, I know." You said before pulling away, adding, "and I'm proud of you for coming out." Loki perked up right away. You wiped away his tears from his face and he did the same for you in return, and both of you smiled. Also he held your hands tightly in his, and his thumbs rubbing the backs of them.
"So, me being bisexual doesn't bother you?" Loki really needed to hear you say it again.
"Loki, you literally can be anyone you want to be and I'll still stand by you. You're my best friend and I will always support you. Your sexuality is apart of who you are!" You pulled him back into a hug and kissed his cheek.
"Thank you, darling for accepting me for me." Loki couldn't stop smiling at you when you pulled apart again. "And, (Y/N), you haven't dated in a while." He teased me.
"No, I haven't. Not since David." You sighed.
"Humph...that was four months ago. Besides, he was a tosser! You deserve so much better than him!" He replied.
"Well this isn't about me, this is about you! And you say you've never told anyone, but I mean you must have had a bit of both back on Asgard?" You wiggled your eyebrows suggestively.
"Ehehe, yes I did indeed. Only very few men have ever shared my bed though, hence why not really anyone knew apart from them who were lucky enough." Loki said with a light smirk upon his lips.
Once the heart to heart was over Loki and yourself returned to the main area of the lounge. He even ended up enjoying himself more than ever after coming out to you. Which made you happy because he was happy. There were a few times when you still weren't together. Times when either of you popped to the bathroom, to the bar, or when Loki would sneak away for a while. You had noticed a cute bartender as well during the many trips over to the bar. He never got to serve you sadly, as he was always kept busy over the other side, no matter how many times you'd gone over. Although, you thought he probably gets hit on all the time, and perhaps doesn't tend to go out with people when he meets them at work.
Later, as you made your way back from the bar with another round of drinks, you suddenly halted in your tacks. You'd just passed the last of the crowd in order to get to your booth. What had halted you was the sight right in front of you. Loki was all cosy up in the booth as he was making out with another male. The guy looked to be of African-American heritage and from what you could see he was handsome. The guy's arms were wrapped around Loki's neck, while one of Loki's arms was wrapped around the guy's neck. And the guy's leg was hoisted over Loki's lap, and Loki's other hand was stroking his thigh. Seeing this happen may have surprised you at first, but it made you happy too, because Loki was being himself and not caring about anyone else at that moment. When the pair pulled apart Loki sucked in his lips and looked at you sheepishly. His shyness only increased when a brunette woman sat down on the other side of him, and she wrapped her arm around his waist, followed by a kiss to his cheek. A red lipstick mark was left upon his cheek.
"Hi." Loki eventually spoke.
"Hi." You replied knowingly. You put the drinks down and began to leave Loki alone with his new friends, however Loki quickly untangled himself and stopped you.
"Where are you going?" He asked when he stood in front of you, with his hands guesting you to stop.
"I thought I'd go home and see you...probably in the morning, after your little rondevu." You winked.
"Please don't leave, (Y/N). Stay with me, please." Loki begged while giving you puppy dog eyes. "If I can find someone, or two tonight ,then so can you." Before you could say anything he wrapped his hands around your forearms and added, "I'll even share Ismael with you!"He said as he stared hungrily back at Ismael, who was looking a little flustered because he was fanning himself.
You chuckled. "I'm sure Ismael is lovely, but he's all yours."
"Wait, one second..." He replied and quickly disappeared and reappeared with someone else. That ended up not being just anyone, but the cute bartender, who clearly looked as though his shift had ended. He seemed to be dressed more casually too, with a leather jacket on and shoulder bag hanging from his shoulder. "This is Jason, he's been working here for the last two years. He wants to get his doctorate in psychology, this job is helping him pay his way through school. He's been single for a year, a non-smoker, no kids and he's an uncle of three rowdy but adorable kids." Loki seemed to be rather proud of himself as he's trying to set you up.
Loki then left you alone with Jason, as he'd already told him about you on the way over. And Loki really wanted to get back to Ismael and Simone, who he named as he left. Of course, as soon as he'd rejoined them he wedged himself between them. Simone was all over Loki once he was back in reach, and she tousled up his hair as she pulled him into her, while kissing him hard. Meanwhile you and Jason found a free table nearby to get to know each other better. Occasionally you glanced over at your best friend going between Ismael and Simone, whether it was them laughing together or groping each other as they made out. After at least half an hour Loki approached you and Jason with a huge grin on his face.
"(Y/N), darling, we're wanting to head back. But I said not without you, because I want to keep my best friend safe." He said as he lent his forearm on the back of your chair.
"It is getting late." You said in agreement.
"Will you be joining us, Jason?" Loki turned his attention to him.
"Lo-"
"Yeah, I'll join you!" Janson's eyes seemed to light up at the invitation.
"Excellent! Come then." Loki replied enthusiastically and helped you pull out your chair. Followed by getting Jason to wrap his free arm around yours to escort you out, all before he went back to the booth for Ismael and Simone.
Ismael and Simone were linked onto each of Loki's arms, as he escorted the two mortals out, with Jason and yourself following behind. All of you ducked into the back of an Uber and made your way back to the compound. However, when the five of you returned to the compound you found out that it was completely trashed. And because neither you or Loki had your phones with you, the rest of the Avengers were mad at the pair of you, for not being here when Ultron turned rouge.
Image description: green and gray paisley print graphic with white text that reads:
Disability Justice
/ˌdisəˈbilitē/ /ˈjəstis/
A model of disability that is concerned with intersections, interdependence, embracing & celebrating disability & diversity, questioning privilege, ableism, and seeking to dismantle systems of oppression.
Sometimes what we expect from others is nothing but understanding without realizing that, in order to be understood, we must primarily have the courage to open ourselves to them, showing not only our light but also our darkness, that more than everything else scares us. "What would they think?" we ask ourselves "Will they then continue to like me?" and our fear of their judgment make us step back from that compulsion of being understood that, until a moment ago, we felt like the only thing that we really need.
Therefore we must accept solitude, loneliness or we must be brave enough to let people in and acknowledge that, perhaps, after that, they may decide not to stay with us anymore.
Coming out as bisexual to your mom can be a huge relief, but for some, it is also a difficult subject to bring up. Before you talk to your mother, think carefully about how you are feeling and what you will say. You can test the waters before talking to her to make sure that coming out is the right decision. Start the conversation by being confident and firm in your identity. Your mom may have tons of questions, and she may be feeling a mix of emotions herself. Have a real discussion with her so that both of you understand where the other stands. If your mom threatens or harms you, however, you should have a place where you can safely escape.
I want a dystopian fiction series where every thing in it actually happened or was inspired by something that happened. Like a book set in the middle east where Malala Yousafzia’s and many strong people like her, story is told. Or a story set in Mexico and America where a family is fighting to stay together. I want a story where a trans woman fights to get basic human rights. I want diverse, dystopian novels that today’s people can relate to.
