In the end, there were 37 adults and two children.
Our wedding count included the brides and the guys that own the Black Walnut Point Inn. They acted as our officiant and wedding coordinator, respectively.
It was a gorgeous weekend, on a gorgeous piece of land that juts into the Chesapeake Bay. The property, including a huge 150 year old B&B, was ours for four days. Despite being in Maryland in June, our weather never topped 85 degrees.
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In total, the wedding was a three-day affair. It started with a delicious dinner hosted by my parents at a lovely restaurant venue, followed by a casual night of board games and ridiculousness (complete with cow print table cloths, baby slideshows, and open bar). The next day, there was an all-day, come-and-go-as-you-please pool party with lawn games and lunch prior to the 4:30 pm ceremony. After the ceremony, cocktail hour, formal pictures for family, and informal pictures with silly props for the rest of the guests, there were toasts, an amazing sunset, dinner (this time hosted by her parents), dancing, and a bonfire with s’mores.
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Our play day required kites.
We had the most amazing sunset of my life.
The guests were happy, the flowers were perfect, and the vendors did what they were supposed to do. Our parents and best friends were incredibly helped and seemed happy to pitch in onsite. We had a successful signature cocktail, awesome cake, and great food. All for less than $15K total, including parent contributions. And, if my music stylings were not quite as awesome as I had anticipated, I could be proud that I managed to pull off three days’ worth of damn good, hand-picked, and uninterrupted music with no repeats that essentially matched each part of the occasion.
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We wanted to be married on a spot where the forest meets the sea.
Yup. A surprise rainbow cake for the guests.
It was the wedding of our dreams. Getting there was sort of a nightmare.
Honestly, we probably couldn’t have done better. I think that our story is pretty typical. We had a few early arguments with family over the guest list, spent more money than we wanted, and became exhausted by the planning process. Caroline’s nerves got to her, I ended up not really liking my dress, and we had to suffer an ill-mannered guest that we don’t really speak to anymore. Isn’t that everyone’s wedding?
The reason that I use the word nightmare is because I had all but demanded that we take the easiest and cheapest routes possible for the wedding. So, every stressful moment felt like a deviation from my original purpose. My goal for the whole affair was to be chill about it. After all, it was supposed to be just one great day in the grand scheme of our lives.
The problem is that that never happens. In retrospect, I was being incredibly naïve.
For us, one day turned into three, plus a day of onsite prep, and months of pre-planning. The ease with which I thought that I, a former meeting planner, could manage a 40-person event was completely blown out the window when we started telling people that having a small guest list would allow us to make things more special for everyone. It turns out that, once you go down the ‘special’ route, all other routes are lost to you.
For us, ‘special’ meant that all guests could come to a faux rehearsal dinner (we didn’t have a wedding party), game night, day of play, ceremony, and reception. ‘Special’ was a goodbye brunch with family on day three. ‘Special’ was a surprise guest book that we designed ourselves which included a full page for everyone in attendance that had a picture of the person/couple and anecdotes about them or our relationship about them. Some of our guests didn’t know each other very well and, since we had so few people and were asking them to hang out for an extended period of time, we reasoned that this would help grease the wheels. (It did.)
‘Special’ was also a gift bag in each person’s room with a smaller version of the book and other niceties like a cute itinerary, sunscreen, mints, and tissues. And, ‘special’ included a parental gift presentation, marking tables at both dinners with pictures of things that are important to us instead of using numbers, giving everyone sparklers and s’mores skewers, setting up a photo booth with costumes, and more.
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Our hosts were the cutest.
Once you start planning a ‘special’ event for 40, you realize that the amount of work is essentially the same for 40 as for 140. The difference is in the pricing, not the planning.
This would have basically been okay if we had decided to ask for or hire planning help. But, we didn’t. Every concept, every errand, every piece of printed material was executed by one of the two of us until we got onsite. Even then, we did a huge amount of work and basically all of the event management. Though, to his credit, the B&B owner/wedding coordinator did try to take an active role. I just had trouble letting him because I hadn’t planned for him to help.
I think that the real mistake that we made was keeping it all in our heads. And, by that I mean “my head.” Caroline was in charge of several things and did a fabulous job but I basically micromanaged all of her work. (Sorry, sweetheart…) Right or wrong, I was the keeper of the big picture. We tried to plan everything out in advance but it’s just wasn’t possible. The tiniest things were actually the items that drove me nuts.
For example, I left the party about two hours before the ceremony to go get ready. I was in the shower, taking my first deep breath in hours, when I realized that I had forgotten to tell my sister-in-law, Valerie, where she could find the iPod and speakers for the ceremony. Then, I remembered that none of us had good cell service. I put on shorts and a t-shirt and hustled down to the wedding site.
When I got there, I found the iPod and went to give it to Valerie only to get stopped by the caterer. I had sent the catering office the recipe for our signature cocktail but now it was nowhere to be found. They brought all the right ingredients but didn’t give the recipe to the bartender. Luckily for me, as I pulled out my phone to try to find the email, my brother Matt walked up and told me to go back to my cabin. He was already emailing the recipe from his phone. I still have no idea how he even knew about it or what chain of people had to freak out for him to be able to deal with the issue. Either way, that little diversion from my room cost me nearly a half hour and added quite a bit of stress as I was getting ready.
In the end, I wouldn’t change a thing about my wedding. It was awesome.
The thing that I would change is…me.
I wish that I would have been willing to spend a bit more money, had begun prepping earlier, and was less anal retentive. I wish that I had made sure that I would enjoy the entire weekend more instead of only enjoying the end of each day (when the tasks were done and the drinking started).
So, if you were going to attempt the same wedding, I would tell you to get a planner and a band. I would tell you that, if you are doing all the work and incurring the lion’s share of expense, you should never compromise with anyone besides your partner. Skip inviting anyone that you don’t want to, even if it hurts their feelings and pisses other people off. Think about the details without letting them consume you. Make sure that you carve out a space for yourself and take the time to enjoy it. And, finally, that you don’t take it too seriously.
Your wedding can easily be derailed by weather, guests, and any number of other small catastrophes. Your wedding experience can only be derailed by you.
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As we were walking back down the aisle, C told me that she wanted to take off her shoes. Then, this happened.
My beautiful wife enjoying a well-deserved cocktail. We added a bit of seltzer for bubbles: http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/blueberry-smash
I Planned My Own Wedding and Lived to Tell the Tale In the end, there were 37 adults and two children. Our wedding count included the brides and the guys that own the Black Walnut Point Inn.
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