december 31st, 2015, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time. you were talking to a girl and i could tell that you were capturing her with every syllable that left your mouth. and i knew why: you were beautiful and bright, and i was drawn to you even then, like the planets are drawn to the sun.
december 31st, 2015, 11:58 pm: we met standing in line for the bathroom. you introduced yourself, and asked for my name, smiling when i gave it. âlovely,â you murmured, and repeated it a few more times, rolling the letters around in your mouth like a new food.
january 1st, 2016, 12:05 am: i could still feel you on me, your lips, minutes, hours, months later. the clock had struck midnight and you just grabbed me, didnât ask if it was okay until it was over. you were laughing, brushing it off, all teeth and well-kissed lips, but i knew i saw you blushing.Â
january 21st, 2016, 1:12 pm: you got my number through the mutual friend that threw the party. i still donât know how you got my address. i didnât remember telling you. you couldnât tell me, either.
february 14th, 2016, 9:12 pm: you took me out to dinner and bought me chocolate and roses. it was all so cliche, and i loved every second of it. when you kissed me good night, i swore i could feel the rest of my life, pressed right up against my lips.
february 26th, 2016, 11:33 pm: we made it official. i remember how you asked me, how shy you got, like you didnât know what the answer would be.
march 17th, 2016, 5:43 pm: we spent the day at the saint patrickâs day parade, and you filled yourself with beer and kissed me hard against the bar bathroom door. i drove you home and that was the first time you told me you loved me.
march 18th, 2016, 9:24 am: you called me and told me you loved me again. âi want to make sure that you know i still mean it when iâm sober,â you said.
march 24th, 2016, 1:09 pm: i met your parents at easter brunch. you had demanded i come with you, and i was glad i did. your mother was kind and beautiful, and your father was warm and handsome, just like i knew theyâd be. after weâd eaten, your mother got me alone. âheâs never brought a girl home before,â she told me, ânormally he isnât very open about who heâs dating. but you, youâre different. donât read into this, but i think he may really think youâre special.â
april 12th, 2016, 8:31 pm: you saw me naked for the first time, and you kissed every inch of my skin. iâd never felt that much love from anybody before that night, and i havenât since. not even you could replicate those few hours.
may 5th, 2016, 4:57 pm: we fought for the first time. i ran into my ex at the grocery store and wanted to chat for a few minutes. you didnât. when we got in the car, you told me that if i was still in love with somebody else i could just leave, and i told you that you should trust me and not be so insecure about our relationship. we screamed the whole way home and you slammed the car door when i dropped you off. i almost crashed three times on the drive home.
may 6th, 2016, 8:03 am: you came by with flowers and breakfast. âIâm sorry,â you told me, âyou just mean so much to me, and the thought of you ever being anyone elseâs makes me sick.â i smiled, âbut you donât have to worry about that now. iâm yours.â
june 16th, 2016, 10:51 pm: for my birthday you took me out to dinner and gave me a beautiful necklace with a silver chain and pearl pendant. we drank expensive wine and stumbled back to my place and fucked. i had never been fucked before, not like this. i woke up the next morning with bite marks on my neck and hickeys all the way down my stomach, but you were gone. âhad to run,â youâd written on a post it note, âi love you.â
june 18th, 2016, 2: 41 pm: i hadnât seen you since my birthday and you werenât picking up when iâd call.
june 19th, 2016, 3:13 am: â had to run,â the post it note had said. maybe you were running from me. i couldnât tell if it was the 3 am darkness talking or the part of me that already knew.
july 1st, 2016, 4:01 am: i looked over at you, sleeping in the darkness beside me. when we were together, things felt perfectly normal. but now, i could feel the shifts. âare we falling apart?â i whispered to you, and although i hadnât expected an answer, the silence broke my heart all the same.
july 4th, 2016, 6:47 pm: we were at a barbecue and i saw you across the crowd, talking to a girl. i saw the way she was drinking up every word that escaped from between your lips, and thatâs when i knew. thatâs when i knew you werenât mine anymore.
july 21st, 2016, 7:08 pm: i brought it up to you. âi think weâre starting to grow apart,â i said, âthereâs a distance between us that wasnât here before.â you reassured me that it was all in my head, but i didnât hear it in your voice. i didnât see it in your eyes. you knew it was there, too, but unlike me, you werenât trying to do anything to stop it.
august 10th, 2016, 11:37 pm: i lay awake and thought about what your mother said, all these months later. âdonât read into this.â but of course i did. i couldnât help myself. fuck, i loved you so much.
august 15th, 2016, 1:12 pm: you invited me over and i discovered that the key youâd given me no longer worked. âi had the locks changed,â you said, âiâll get you a new one.â it was a lie, and i knew it. you didnât get me a new key.
september 8th, 2016, 2:00 pm: i caught you cheating. in a desperate attempt to revive the romance weâd had at the beginning of our relationship, i bought dinner and brought it to your place. when you finally opened the door, i saw it written all over your face; the way your eyes widened, the way your jaw dropped, the way your cheeks drained of color. i heard it in the stammer of your voice, the sharp intake of your breath, the grinding of your teeth. when the girl walked up behind you, half naked, asking who it was at the door, i already knew. âhow could you?â i whispered, and you just opened and closed your mouth. the girl pieced it together and started screaming. she hadnât known. i left the food at the doorstep.
september 10th, 2016, 1:49 am: you never called after that, never came by, never reached out, but it wasnât like weâd needed to confirm anything. i knew it was over, but it took every ounce of willpower i had not to go back to your place and find out why, why everything.
september 27th, 2016, 6:20 pm: i kept finding myself huddled in a ball; in my bedroom, in my kitchen, in my shower. not crying, or yelling. just huddled, clutching my body close to myself, staring. still not understanding.
october 31st 2016, 9:01 pm: i spent halloween haunted by the ghost of you. your face was around every corner. i could still feel your touch trickling down my spine. that night, i lost it. the anger surged through the sadness and bubbled to the surface. i screamed until my throat was raw, screamed at nothing, about nothing, for no reason other than i was too full.
november 10th, 2016, 2:17 am: you called me when you were drunk and i answered. i listened to you ramble, vomiting up apology after apology. near the end, you told me you loved me. âcall me tomorrow when youâre sober if you still love me,â i said. Â you didnât.Â
november 25th, 2016, 7:15 pm: i went out on a date with somebody new. they didnât pull me in like you did, but for a few hours, i forgot about you and i felt okay. i drank myself to sleep that night so i wouldnât have to think about you. the next morning, the hangover hurt more than you did. it was a start.
december 24th, 2016, 8:12 pm: i was spending christmas with my family, and i was doing great until my aunt asked about you. i told her you cheated, but i was doing okay, and then i excused myself and threw up the appetizers into the toilet. i called you then, and when you picked up, i let out a sob. âyou ruined me, you fuck,â i croaked, âand you canât even apologize. not when youâre sober, at least.â there were a few seconds of silence, and then you hung up. i still hope that it ruined your christmas.
december 31st, 2016, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time in months across the crowd. it made me sick to know that even after all that had happened, you were still the most beautiful person in the room to me.
december 31st, 2016, 11:55 pm: you found me in the kitchen. âi wanted to tell you iâm sorry,â you yelled over the music, âand i miss you.â and in those final moments of the year, i thought about it. i thought about letting you back in. the countdown started, and you moved closer to me. and i.. i pushed you away. i turned away from you and said, âno. i canât.â and i walked out of the room.
january 1st, 2017, 12:05 am: i have forgotten how you felt against me, your lips. and for the first time, i am finally okay with that.
