have you ever loved anybody before me?
before, if anybody had asked me, the answer would have been no. but now i know myself better. there are many things that have changed since i have found love, and one of those is what love actually feels like. but, to answer the question, yes i have, but in different ways.
when i was fourteen, i was with a "man” whom i thought i loved. but, analyzing this, there were a few factors that determined this love: at the very beginning, we had not met yet for it was an online relationship. i loved the companionship and the lack of judgment. i loved the idea that there was someone out there who loved me without actually having met me. sure, i got butterflies when i heard his voice, but that was mainly because it was different. i had never had love previous to that and i thought it was so unique and different. when we met, though, the love changed. it turned physical and as most people know, we tend to get attached to the physicality in life, from objects to affection. we hugged and kissed at first and that was it. it was great, but it was also terrifying; this was a man i had never met prior to this and i had let his lips touch mine. i decided that was all that i wanted from that until we met again. however, my innocence was taken christmas eve of that year. that did not stop me from “loving” him and it had actually changed the type of love i had felt. do you know that feeling of obligation you have to somebody who has an object of yours that you lent them? that is how it was to me. i hated him but i loved him. i loved the companionship (after he left and went back to his house) and i loved the thought of someone out there who loved me... but i also loved the feeling of getting my innocence back. this man had a secret of mine that i needed to make sure kept in his mouth and his only. well, it took a year to figure out that you did not get that back and everything would soon change. i broke it off with him for good because i finally opened my eyes.
and fell into another online relationship with another man. this man and i have a very long relationship, so this “excerpt” may be longer. we were in each other’s lives for over four years and that entire time, there was some sort of fire between the two of us. we talked for a while online and similar to the man before, i loved the idea of there being someone who had feelings for me. however, after two months, we stopped talking for a while until a half year later when we rekindled and met up in person. we both knew sometime after that we loved each other-- or at least that was what i thought. he never admitted to loving me in the four years, well, until that whole time was over and i finally moved on from him. during these times, he provided a life for me and an exit. he gave me a home away from home and a mother to love. he had it all. he had everything that, at the time, i did not. so it was my ideal situation. if you can see where i’m getting at here: i loved what he provided. he had a lot of money so i felt a safety net. he drove and had his own car so i felt like i could escape or get away when i needed to. but the only thing he did not provide was a reciprocated love. you know when you want something so bad but you can not get it? that was how it was with him. toward the end of us, he started to love me or at least finally come to grips with it. however, i did not love him. the more he started to give into his feelings, the less i wanted anything to do with him. so i ended it. but it wasn’t as easy as that. the two of us were on again, off again. we would go long periods of time without being intimate or having a relationship other than friendship -- it was his request at one point, then mine at others. i wanted love and he wouldn’t give it to me, so i would break it off to find it elsewhere. he damaged me but i loved him because of it. i loved the chase. but when it ended, so did that feeling.
the topic of chase brings me to the next partner who gave the previous man and i a long break with one another. after i got into a relationship with this man, the previous one and i were basically done for after that, besides for a “for old sakes” fling. this was another online based relationship. unlike the others, however, there was no intention of us meeting-- well that was how i saw it. after having such an on and off relationship with the past man, i wanted something stable, and that is what i found in this guy. but things changed and they changed quickly. he was abusive. he confined me to my room at all hours of the day and night when i didn’t have other obligations and he would watch me on my web cam. if i tried to turn it off, he would incessantly call me and scream at me. so i kept it on. i did what i could to please him. i knew he was crazy getting into this but i still did it. in the calm moments, he was so nice to me. he would say so many amazing things that made me feel great. but that was short lived. i thought i loved him. i loved that he was literally always there. he would watch me sleep. why did i not realize that was an issue in itself? i felt like he was basically a master of mine and those who are owned usually feel an unexplained attachment to their master, whether they are treated well or badly. that was how i felt. i did not love him but i truly thought i did. i started college further into our relationship and he would call me at all times and freak out because i wasn’t there for him to monitor me. well, for his sake, i guess he should have had a camera on me because i ended up cheating on him with my current, and forever, lover.
i remember the day i first met him. he was in class with me and i went up and asked him a question during our “meet and greet.” when he responded, i got butterflies in places that i didn’t know they could exist. he was all i thought about. i knew it right then: he was the one i wanted to spend my life with. but i was still with the abuser. i had to break it off. shortly after three months of flirting with the in-class guy and going home to be watched, i broke it off with the abuser. it was hard but it wasn’t because i loved him. it was hard because of the words he said to me and the torment he left me feeling. but it was also easy because i knew who i wanted to be with. the two of us have had some very rough patches that i thought we, at the time, wouldn’t be able to make it out of. but i know now how love feels. true love is when, even at your hardest moment, you know that your partner will be there to pick you up. true love is feeling beautiful in a food stained shirt. true love is a partnership in which the two of you grow. and that is what it has been ever since i met him. he taught me to face my fears head on and grow up. he is not abusive, he always gets consent, and he reciprocates my love. i am thankful for having my previous relationships because it has taught me so much. i met this man damaged as all hell and he still is working to put the pieces together as i help him. we were made for one another and that is how i know we are in love.
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