Unsent Letters to EXs

We have all had an ex we have done our best to let go with peace, but we might have had thoughts we'd like them to hear, send them to us instead. These are letters, unsent.

[xunsentletters]

Dear Ex #64

Hi. It has been almost a year, and I did not think I’d make it. Our breakup really did break me. I didn’t ever want to be close with anyone else again – because you were it for me - the one. No one else mattered after you. I didn’t want anyone else’s hands on me, whenever someone tried – I’d end up crying about you. It took what felt like forever before I gave someone a genuine chance, but I have. Or so I thought. Him and I are a proper couple now, but as our relationship grows, my heart reminds me more and more that he is not you. It hasn’t been long and maybe one day I will feel it with him – but I can’t let it go on, I can’t waste his time like you wasted mine. He doesn’t make my heart stop. He doesn’t hold me as close as you did. I don’t jump and scream with joy like I did with you. The feelings can’t compare, even in our strongest moments. Even our best nights are bleak compared to us waking up and brushing our teeth.  You set the bar too high, our love was too deep, and pure – even after a year, it feels like I’ll never feel it again. It feels like you ruined my future, ruined what made me capable of love. Our love cut deep. Because of you I’ll forever try to remember that feeling. Love, your ex.

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Dear Ex #63

I saw you today for the 1st time in almost a year. I started to hyperventilate and my hands and vision went fuzzy. It’s funny how different you look now that I don’t love you. I used to write you love notes all over our apartment, so you could smile before you left for work. 

I wasn’t perfect but I loved you more than you can even imagine. You cheated on me, not once, but multiple times. You sexually and mentally abused me. A big fuck you for making me have anxiety and panic attacks just from loving you.

Fuck you, your ex.

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Dear Ex #62

I still think about you everyday and it’s been 3 years. The feelings I have towards you are gut wrenching. Sometimes I miss you so much I cry. Other times I think about how you manipulated, sexually abused, and stole my life from me. I don’t think it’ll get better since I see your family all the time. I’m an empty shell of the woman I used to be. 

Fuck you very much, your ex.

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Dear Ex #61

It’s been a long time since everything had happened. You still cross my mind. I still wonder if you're alive. I still imagine your face between crowds. Its been 5 years and thinking about what you've done to so many people is still surreal. Thinking that I had the power to save a family from y o u r claws. It's been five years and it still feels as un real. Its been five years since you've slaughtered them.

Sincerely, your ex.

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Dear Ex #60

Every cigarette tastes likes you, burns like you, a bad habit like you. Funny how I gave you up instead. Bet you hope I get cancer. I guess I miss you just a little bit.

Your ex.

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Dear Ex #59

You tried your best to ruin me as I rose to the stars, pulling the feathers from my golden plume as I say 'let me lift you'; I was a fool to believe the mortal realm was shared for us, watching you flee with harlot after harlot with my wings shredded to bare bones as you insist 'I could never live without you'. I never needed my wings to leave; surprise. You're insisting abuse to keep me below you, with your foot on my back, standing high and mighty. 

I begged for the Gods not to strike you. I told them you had loved me. What a fool am I to think a mortal can tell a Goddess how to behave. What a fool I was to stay by your side. And now in this mortal coil, I am enraged, distraught, even after all of these years. I will bang on the gates of hell, demand my entry and make my request; your solitude, your loneliness, the empty blackness swallowing you for evermore. A man who relishes in love of others' is only afraid of himself. I pray you die lonely and afraid. 

Sincerely, your ex.

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Dear Ex #58

You dumped me and told me you never cared about me, hadn’t for months. You told everyone how I was a terrible person for cheating on you... After I told you how I was raped by your fraternity brother and best friend while I was too drunk to do anything about it. But I guess that’s the same thing as cheating, right? 

You made me almost drop out of school because everyone was telling me how much they hated me, that everyone would be better off without me, that I was a waste of space in this university. And I still loved you. I tried to get you to understand that I didn’t do it to hurt you. I didn’t do it at all. I didn’t have a choice, he didn’t give me one. That I cared about you more than anything and just wanted to make it up to you. But all I have to say is thank you. 

Thank you for helping me realize that I can’t fall in love as quickly or as hard as I usually do. For helping me realize that sometimes, even if you’ve been through the worst, people won’t care, and I have to take care of myself. For helping me learn who will be there for me through the tough times, even when they seem impossible. 

Thank you for allowing me to move on to the happiest relationship of my life. You made me hate myself. But thanks to you not taking me back and not caring I got raped, I’m with the kindest, most caring man I could have ever dreamt of. He’s 10x the man you’ll ever be. And I couldn’t be more grateful.

Fuck you, your ex.

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Dear Ex #57

I’m happier, I’m at peace with our breakup at this point. I’m even seeing other people - people who have started to care for me, great people. I’m trying to dive in and i’m trying to find someone I could care for the way I cared about you. However, I have to confess the one thing that keeps me from going all in with anyone is the fact that they’re not you. I’m okay but I still miss you like crazy.

Love, your ex.

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Dear Ex #56

You held me to an impossible standard because I held myself to it. You made me feel so small in the guise of helping me. And the moment I started treating you the way you treated me for years; you were so disappointed that i had ‘stooped down to your level’. How could you say such poisonous things in such a calming voice? How could you still say you love me and care about me when you make no efforts to even be a friend? Why did you play me for so long? I was 19, you should’ve known better.

Fuck you, your ex.

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Dear Ex #55

I never should have let you go. I still regret it everyday.

Love, your ex.

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Dear Ex #54

I cannot help it you were abused, I cannot help it you were abandoned, but neither should I have to prove my love over and over again. As someone who claims love transcends all material wealth, you should know that. But you've pushed everyone away. You've threatened to kill yourself if I couldn't give what you wanted. I cried when I thought you were gone for good, and I shall never forget your indifference. The fact you never gave a sincere apology secretly hurts me to this day.

Sincerely, your ex.

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Dear Ex #53

In the end it was I who left. And I did so without any warning. My friends say they're proud of me for finally leaving you, after 4 years of being on and off and on and off again.  After 4 years of you messing around and me waiting like a loyal dog. You kept trying to abandon me and I kept running after you. After all the lies and tears. After countless apologies. 

This sounds bad. Really bad. I know it's been 2 years since I left and I'm with someone else now. And he's a good man, unlike you. And he's  normal and kind, unlike you. But there hasn't been a day where you hadn't crossed my mind. Not a single day goes by where I don't wonder what if... 

We spoke last summer. A few times. And even tho I pretended to be honest that one last time, you and I both know it, I was lying through my teeth pretending I was happy now. I don't like who I'm becoming. And no one understands anything. I'm scared that you're going to be the only person in my life that completely understood me. 

The last time I saw you, you randomly came to a place I worked at. And I don't remember a time my heart went so crazy before or after that. Even tho you came in with her. And even tho I'm with someone else now. Someone better. 

I wish I had picked up the phone just once in the hundreds of times you tried calling. I wish we could've met up one last time. I am sorry. I wish I could've met you later in life. As much as you ruined me, you saved me. If I hadn't met you when I did I wouldn't be here now. I guess what we had really wasn't normal for a couple of teenagers. You're still the only person who's ever made me cry happy tears. 

I hope we get another chance later on in life. I know I'm still fairly young but I know that you were the love of my life. If not, thank you for everything. I am so sorry. 

Sincerely, your ex.

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Dear Ex #52

You broke me. I have nightmares of you, even after almost a year. You cheated on me so many times, but I only caught you three times. You gaslighted me and you forced yourself into me. When we broke up, I lost all my friends because they alll believed you. You didn’t respect my identity but I accepted you fully. I hate you. I wish things could have worked out. I hate you. You broke me. Why can’t I forget you? Why am I still having panic attacks and nightmares anytime you’re brought up in conversation? 

Fuck you, your ex.

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Dear Ex #51

I ran into you at the elevators yesterday. You had lost some weight but your face still summoned the same fear in me as it had 5 years ago. You were with a female friend and I prayed for her safety that she kept her distance from you. You said hi and I froze as my heart beat faster and I contemplated how to get away from you. You asked me how I was and then had the fucking balls to ask "Which one are you?". Sure we hadn't seen each other in years but I know you can tell me apart from my twin.  

Which one am I? I'm the one you dated. I'm the one you tried to pressure into sex. I'm the one you tried to rape when I made it clear I wasn't ready. I'm the one who's shirt you tried to rip off when I was underneath you even though I told you to stop. I'm the one who barely summoned the strength to push you off me even though you had 50 pounds on me. I'm the one who you smiled at as I walked out of the room away from you, tears in my eye.  

When we first started dating you wouldn't tell me why you and your ex broke up. Well, I found out on my own. Did you know I still have nightmares about you? Did you know that I cry if someone touches me unexpectedly? Do you know how often I think about what you did to me? Now, you're not solely to blame; other boyfriends have done worse. But you were the first.  You started this cycle for me. Everyone after you treated me the same way, but each one was worse than the last. You were the beginning, and I will never forgive you for that.

Fuck you, your ex.

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Dear Ex #50

I knew that you made the corners of her mouth curl but it still hurt so much less than hearing that you do the same thing to her toes. Knowing that you touch her the same way you touched me. Knowing that your hands, the same ones that moulded to my hips and danced across my skin, are now learning new choreography; Forgetting my body's rhythm. I will no longer be a part of your final performance; She is the star of your show now.

Sincerely, your ex.

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Dear Ex #49

I’d hold you. Tight as a blanket, calmer than before. I’d tell you of my love. Soft as our song, truer than any other words I’ve spoken before. I’d listen to your sorrows. Heavy as rocks, closer than before. I’d take you back. In a heartbeat. I’d to it all more selflessly. If only you’d still want me, as before.  

Love, your ex.

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Dear Ex #48

I realized today I haven’t listened to any music for two months. I’m at a point where i’m no longer depressed even though you still cross my mind every day. However, i’m starting to think I can go a long time without being sad about us because I’m not taking the time to really think about you, I’ve shut you out of my mind as much as possible - it almost feels like i’m trying to ignore that you still exsist. I notice that when something reminds me of you, I immediately distract myself, but it’s the times I don’t have anything to distract myself with I fall a little apart. When I take the time to remember the details of your face and remind myself you’re out there, doing fine without me, that’s when I can’t help but cry again, even after all this time. I can’t listen to music yet, because every song I love reminds me of you, and every song on my list is about love - and, as much as i’m okay, i’m not at a point where I can listen to songs about love without thinking how we used to call them our songs. 

Love, your ex.