When I was with heartbreaker, he was in the process of starting a clothing line with his two best friends, Tom and Craig. They had put all they had into the line and all I wanted was for them to succeed. That was my problem, I wanted them to succeed more than they wanted it it had seemed in the end. When Heartbreaker and I were good, he told me he wanted me to be a part of the clothing line, a part of his future. He sent me a novel of a text message explaining that he didn't want me to just be someone he came home to at night and how he wanted to share all of the good and bad with me, he wanted me to be there every step of the way. I had responded by saying I wanted that, too, believing every word he said.
I was a broadcast journalism major at CSUN and one of my mandatory classes was a class that required 2 hours of lecture a week and 6 hours of work at the school's radio station. My position was evening anchor and writer, so every Wednesday morning I would spend 6 hours writing stories and then every Wednesday night I would go on air and read my stories and the other Wednesday student's stories. For our final project we had to do a feature story. A feature story was a 3-5 minute story about anything we wanted. It could be comical, business, commercial, anything we wanted. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to do it on Heartbreaker's clothing line because it would air to anyone listening to the station in the world. It would give them great publicity and allow them to speak about their line and the charity connection it had. I pitched this idea to Heartbreaker and he was stoked on it (we were at a good place in our relationship when I got this assignment). I didn't have to do the project, though, until April because that was when my due date was. Sure enough, Heartbreaker and I broke up in March... and I still had my project to do.
Here's the thing about me. When I make a promise, I keep my promise. I don't like when people break their promises to me, so I do my best not to break my promises to others. This is probably one of those times I should have broke my promise, but I didn't. I wanted to be able to look back and say Heartbreaker didn't change me. I wanted to say he didn't have that power over me and that I kept true to my one attribute I, personally, liked about myself the best. So, I pushed forward with the story. I put it off as long as possible to let myself heal as much as could be before I had to see him and then I set up the interviews with Tom and Craig and then lastly with Heartbreaker. In my relationship with Heartbreaker, Tom, Craig and I formed a friendship, so if I broke my promise to Heartbreaker, I would have broken it to them, too, and that was not something I was okay with.
The day of the interview was the first day I had returned to Agoura since Sam's funeral. I had been putting that first time off because I knew it was going to be difficult, extremely difficult. I probably should have gotten that over with before the first time I had a run in with Heartbreaker, but instead I did both on the same day, which was a rush of horrible emotions. I made Hillary come with me to the interview (she is a broadcast journalism major, too, and her comedy/bitchiness was definitely going to be needed during the interviews).
When we first got to Tom's house everyone was outside. We went outside and said hello to Craig and Tom -- Tom told us to just come inside and did not answer the door. I tried to say hi to Tom's dog (I had met him plenty of times before and he was always friendly). However, that day in particular he bit my hand. The day was already off to a terrible start, clearly. I was just happy it wasn't my face because it would have been if I didn't move as soon as I heard the dog start growling. PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE MET A DOG BEFORE DOES NOT MEAN IT IS FRIENDLY! Case in point.
Right as the dog bit my hand (tears instantly started to come to my eyes) Heartbreaker walked outside from the house, alcoholic beverage in hand. Then I looked around and noticed all three of the boys were drinking. Lovely. Heartbreaker walked towards me to say hi and right as he started to come near me to hug me, I said, "Can we start this interview please?" He said yes, realizing I was not there for any other reason, and started to talk to the other boys. They started laughing and joking around and not moving, so Hillary said, "Interview in which room guys, lets go, who is going first?" Heartbreaker hopped up and said he would go first so we started to walk inside. The boys walked ahead and Hillary grabbed me, looked at me (she could tell I was about to cry) and shook me out of it. I don't know what I would have done without her that day.
We got to Tom's bedroom and everyone left Heartbreaker alone with Hillary and I. It was weird. I was so nervous for this interview to happen, but in the moment when it finally did, a surge of sass rushed through me and I managed to not only get through my questions, but come up with questions during the interview, too. I thought I was going to just read them during my interview with Heartbreaker because I didn't think I was going to be able to actually listen to what he was saying, but the opposite happened. See, it wasn't me that was nervous once the interview started, it was Heartbreaker. The calm, intelligent, smooth demeanor that he was usually composed of left him and a speechless, nervous, deer in headlights demeanor took over. He was stumbling over the easiest questions I had written for him (he asked me to send them to him in advance so he could prepare). He didn't understand what I was asking, he couldn't come up with complete sentences and he had no idea how to answer the questions in a way that made his company sound real and official. I remember asking him "Why clothes?" and he asked me to repeat the question three times because he couldn't figure out how to answer it. I remember asking "Why have a girl model your men's clothing line?" and the only thing he could spit out was "Because she looks good in them." I had to hold back laughter multiple times because he sounded so stupid. He sounded drunk and it sounded like the company was unimportant, like it was run by a child.
When his interview was finally over he asked me if I thought he did okay and I told him that he better hope his friends do better. I wasn't taking it easy on him at all, after all, Heartbreaker knew my friend died and never once asked if I was okay after, so his feelings were irrelevant to me like mine were to him.
Tom's and Craig's interviews were a little bit better -- I could use them for sure, so I didn't ask them as many questions as I had Heartbreaker. They answered the questions solidly, so I knew I had at least one sound bite from each of them. During Craig's interview, though, I fell apart. Craig asked Hillary to leave the room while I interviewed him because he couldn't take it seriously if both of us were in there. At the end of the interview he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I know you aren't okay. What is going on?" Right as he finished the second sentence I broke down into tears. He assumed it was because of Heartbreaker and I told him it was because of Sam, instead. He held me while I cried on his shoulder for five minutes until I could compose myself. I knew Craig and I had become friends because of Heartbreaker, but I didn't know how good of friends until that moment. It was in those couple of minutes that I realized Heartbreaker and I would and could never be friends. If someone who owed me nothing could be such a good friend to me then someone who owed me everything should have been a better friend than he had been.
Craig left me in the room with Hillary while he went downstairs to get Tom for his interview after I had finished crying. He sent Heartbreaker up to make sure I was okay, though. He told him I was crying and to go check on me. I think Heartbreaker thought I would be alone in the room, so when he walked in and saw Hillary with me he almost seemed a little upset. He came up and stood next to me and kept inching closer to me, at one point he even was touching my hand. He tried to ask me about the recorder, so instead of explaining it to him I just handed it to him to look at himself. I really didn't want to talk to him more than I had to, especially after my newfound realization.
At the end of the interviews I started to pack up my things. All the boys piled into the room with Hillary and I as we started to say our goodbyes. I told them I would let them know when the interview was set to air and thank you. As I started to walk out the bedroom, Heartbreaker stopped me and said "Let me know if you need any help with the editing of the soundbites or flushing out of the noise in the room." I don't know what came over me, definitely word vomit, but I responded immediately with so much sass that I was proud of myself as the words exited my mouth, "I won't need your help. If I need anyone's it will be my teacher. That's what they pay him for." Heartbreaker's face was priceless. Never would anyone have imagined such attitude to be on my lips. Before I got my heart broken, I was the nicest girl in the world, but after, well, it did change me. As much as I didn't want it to, it did, but not in a bad way. It made me stronger. Strong enough to stand up for myself, strong enough to know what I deserve and strong enough to not let anyone walk all over me again.
Heartbreaker and Tom walked Hillary and I out and it was really awkward as they waited outside for us to hug them goodbye. Not one part of me wanted to hug Heartbreaker because I knew if I did I would be back to square one. Instead, I said alright, well thank you guys and we'll see ya. Hillary and I started to walk away and Tom yelled at us, "NO HUGS?" I responded by holding up two fingers in a peace sign and said, "Deuces," and that was it.
Flash Forward to April now, when my project is complete and due. I texted the boys letting them know I had finished the project and that it would air on this day at this time. Guess how many of them listened to the radio show and their story? Zero. Not one of them made time to listen to the show, nor did they tape it to listen to later. Instead, they asked me to get them a copy. I said no. I did my part. I did the interview. It bothered me so much that they didn't care enough to listen to it because I could have done the interview on my brother's company and given him the airtime, but instead I stayed true to my word. I was right, though, in the end. The fact that I did keep true to my promise is one thing I will never regret. I regret a lot of things about my relationship with Heartbreaker, but that interview is not one of them. I didn't let him change me, even though everyone told me to cancel the story and redo it on something else. I did what I knew in my heart to be right. And that is exactly why that interview didn't hurt me. It hurt him. He told his friends that that interview was one of the hardest things he had done because he was nervous, uncomfortable and needed to be drunk to face me. Three things that don't make for a pretty combination.
If something means a lot to you, do it anyways. If I listened to everyone else and didn't follow through with the interview I would have been disappointed in myself. As hard as it was, it was the perfect closure.
Karma is a bitch and it really does come back around when it is the right time.
Alcohol before and interview makes you sound DUMBER, obviously.
Take your work seriously, you never know who will be watching or listening (my part of the interview was fabulous-- theirs, not so much).
If you are scared to do something alone, bring your best friend. They're usually the perfect wingman and companion.
Dogs aren't always friendly even if you have already met them before. Don't assume they're nice just because they were the last time you saw them.
If a dog starts to growl, move away slowly and make sure your face is out of reach.
If you need to cry in front of an ex or an ex's best friend make sure you have a logical excuse for the tears.
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