[xyxv]

i fucking love him and i wasn’t ready bc i don’t love myself and it’s bullshit this is bullshit and i’m trying i’m doing all of the things i never thought i could i want to be who he expected from me but im crippled by the fact that i ruined my life and hurt my person.

[xyxv]

how the fuck am i supposed to forgive myself and move on when it was all my fault and i was horrible and i only love this person i ONLY LOVE THIS PERSON and i FUCKED IT UP every single opportunity!!! he gave me chance after chance!! he is better than my imagination. he’s beautiful inside and out. he’s everything admirable and all of the good things. he’s perfectly imperfect and i hate that phrase but he makes me think all the corny phrases. i’ve known him for a decade and im fucking insane. i can’t forgive myself. he deserves to know that i know. i’m not a victim. i’m not moved on. and i can’t call him i can’t write to him but i just need him to know im sorry. i’m so sorry. it doesn’t take two. it takes one. it was all me. i’m so sorry. you loved me and i’ll always love you and NO i can’t forgive myself and move on. i won’t. i don’t deserve that. this will kill me.

[lamignonette]

[lordwilde]

Elle Fanning photographed by Szilveszter Makó for Who What Wear, January 2026.

[jareckiworld]

Tuesday Riddell — Beneath The Bee’s and The Black Pond  (gold and silver leaf, gold powder, lustre powder and paint on japanned board, 2021)

[l0uisebrooks]

jewellery box crab

[myfloatingrock]

Giorgio Armani Prive Fall 2017 Couture

[pansoph]

hannah modigh (2012), “boy and cherry picker truck”, tokyo photographic art museum

[girlfriendsinjeans]

Dua Lipa

[nemfrog]

Life history of the cabbage butterfly. Agriculture for High Schools. 1951.

Internet Archive

[heavensghost]

Words by Mary Oliver engraved in rock

[frrenzetic]

[themuseera]

[perriaeyjeve]

[xyxv]

the more i learn, the lower your pedestal.

[formlab]

Tomète

[xyxv]

embroidering. knitting. drawing on the beach. cold fruit. cooking again. gardening again. making cold brew green tea and black tea every afternoon. disciplined skin care again. caring about my hair and nails again. curling my lashes every morning. wearing what i want and not what im adjusted to. smelling good all the time. lip masks and hand lotion. going to the movies alone. being okay alone. being around women. walking in the sun with my dog. lemon in all my water. facetiming my niece. the piano. my guitar. reading. documentaries. podcasts. therapy. writing. going to stores and markets. swimming laps. rollerskating. talking to people. making friends. doing and going instead of avoiding. enjoying instead of saving. being present and still instead of overthinking and fidgeting. listening more than speaking. speaking effectively. laughing. minding my own business. sharing what i like. finding balance and being unapologetic in who i am. it only took almost 29 years and radical fuckups…but it’s a real beginning.

the weight i lost has been fun but my habits were killing me and my hobbies are now saving me. i lost myself when i lost routine. i gained back spontaneity as i became consistent again and the anxiety is shrinking to where im lighter in other ways now too. caring about the right things has proven difficult for me and im ashamed of it all. writing about changing habits and having hobbies at my age is embarrassing. im not a good person. but i want to be. i’ll always wish i did this all sooner for the obvious reasons but also for the most heartbreaking silent reasons that i still need to let go. i have to make up for it.