Her Catharsis @yang-kurangkai - Tumblr Blog

Love Letter to Azzah who is waiting for the next new year's fireworks.

Ah, how do I even begin?

We started the year with so much anxiety about the whole PR situation. It was not easy and it has not been easy. We stayed awake up all night sometimes to worry about what is going to happen. Will I stay? Will I have to leave? But I really enjoy my job and people are praising me for the good work I have done and I love my colleagues? Can't I just stay a bit longer and prove myself a bit longer?

We went through resentment together. Remember when you used to talk to yourself about how you have been performing so well and gave the best of you, but you find it so silly that the government of Canada still made it hard for you to get the PR invitation? How you thought about the medal that you received from UBC, the scholarships, and the awards. How you thought about the promotion that you got every. single. year. because you are just that good at the job that you are doing. How you realized that people don't move the ladder like that in your company. How you discerned that you speak better english that most immigrants and how dedicated you are in your job.

But then you stopped yourself. Because you don't want to be that arrogant and petty little child for something that won't even leave you poor and homeless.

Well, that's all the negatives. Anxiety and this non-stop questioning of what's going to happen with me.

But on the brighter side, you have built such a strong friendship. Particularly with Yasir. Never in a hundred million years you will say this to his face, but he really helped you to see things beyond what it feels to you. His chill demeanor just put you at ease with everything that is uncertain about life in 2025. Despite his silly willy personality, his way of doing life was able to teach you how you should view this temporary life.

You got to spend an amazing summer. You went for umra in ramadan, you went on hikes, you bonded with your colleagues, you went on a 10k run, you went on matcha runs, and you made episodes of baking shows with your friend. Something so beautiful and so memorable that tingles the very deep part of your heart.

August was the hardest because you had to say goodbye to the house that you always visit, so you can be comfy in your comfort zone. Nunavut Lane was legendary. And Oak St is no different. I remember you cried so much about it because all of a sudden, your mind started playing this rollout of different moments you've had with your friends under that very roof. How, whenever you are stressed and overwhelmed, you simply drive that 25 minute ride for you to simply be in their presence. And that was more than just enough.

You couldn't stop crying for 2 weeks because you had to end your job and say goodbye. You also had to say goodbye to the friend that was there for you during this time. You cried because you realised how blessed you are to be able to live and breathe and spend some time with colleagues and friends who value you. Then you also cried in front of your parents because you don't know. You simply don't know what to do next.

All your life, every single phase of it, you know where the direction is headed. After UWC, university, after university get a Canadian job, after job, get your PR. But then it got halted. Because obviously, you never got the PR within my work permit expiry. It's like some ugly ass gnome is blocking your way to win this confusing hell of a maze. And then you got scared because what the fuck am I going to do now?

And you remember how both of your parents were there, watching you cry in the living room of 7423 elwell st. They said, you should go back, take a break, and enjoy life a little.

And here you are. Sitting in your home office with your laptop and your brand new logitech keyboard (possibly the reason why you are eager to write this letter too). You are going to open your dream cafe and you are learning french and you are reading books and you are spending time with your cats.

This new year's eve, I had the heaviest pang in my chest. I miss my friends so terribly. Nada, Ayo, Muizz, Yasir, and Sumayya. I need their presence like I need to breathe some air. Too much? Well you gotta take it. Cause that's how it is. I cried so much when I heard the fireworks roaring outside cause it finally came to me, that I am entering this year by myself. Physicaly by myself. I can't take that 25 minute driver, I can't walk upstairs and knock on their doors, and I can't shout Nada's name from the living room. And I realized, I might be feeling... very lonely.

Even now, my eyes are swollen cause I can't keep my emotions in while writing this letter.

But hey,

Whatever you did in 2025. I am so very proud of you. Your ability to control yourself in different seasons. Of anxiety, of worry, of burnout at work, of your resignation, of resentment, and many other things. You were still able to see the beauty of it. The beauty of your friends, the beauty of Vancouver, the beauty of a simple life, and the beauty of being here and alive. You swerve into this life so calmly, with composure. And I am so proud of the growth you have learnt.

Things do not always go the way we plan. And that is the hard truth you have learnt in 2025. No matter how hard you try, some things are just beyond your control. And that is okay. That is perfectly okay, and in fact so normal. You cannot dictate things beyond your control. But what you can do is pause and see what's and who's around you. What you can do is to find new things that can keep you alive and make this life worth living.

A book cafe is a good start, your first pilates class is a good start, your continuous physio appointment is a good start and your journey to studying French until B2 is a good start.

Maybe by the end of next year, though, you can start feeling comfortable and content with where you are in that moment. Open up more. Make new friends. Or don't make new friends.... but really connect with them. Get busy. Be active out there. Allow yourself to get hurt. Give yourself permission to live freely.

Keep being kind to others. Stay generous. Think positively to Allah. He is the Best of All Planners. If you get the PR, you get it. If you geth the TRV, you get it. If you don't, that is okay.

It is okay.

Just enjoy what's now and make the most out of it.

so many things

i feel so confused and so overwhelmed. i just want somebody to tell me what to do with my life because i really don't know what i'm doing. it is so hard to find my purpose when you are so limited with most things. i want to do bigger things at work, but i am still incompetent. i want to be free with work, but i don't even have a strong foundation to create something profitable. i want to go back to school, but i'm not sure if that desire only comes from my avoidant treatment to my current reality or if that's what I really want. I want to work from home (but do I really?). I want to do some meaningful work (but how come I never show that effort? I am so lazy!)

I just need somebody. I need somebody to tell me and reassure me that things will get better. I'll get better. I will feel proud and I will be satisfied with myself. I will feel complete. I just need to know when. I just need to know how can I get there. Faster.

Dear Reader,

It feels too heavy lately to just do the simplest things. I find it harder to cheer myself up when there is this emptiness at the pit of my chest. I have so many theories to speculate my inner thoughts. Is it lacking purpose? Is it unfulfilled life? Is it the missing prayers? Is it the lack of exercises? Is it the empty house? Is it my loneliness? Is it not being with my family? Is it the lack of achievement validation?

Seperti ingin berteriak, tapi bodoh karena tak ada maksud apa-apa. Seperti ingin tenggelam dan tertimbun supaya tidak ada yang bisa mendengar dan peduli.

birthdaysentiment

sometimes I think I must deserve it. or else I don’t know why it would happen. why’d you never say any of this to me before? the whole time we were together, why did you never tell me any of this? I don’t know. I suppose I didn’t want you to think… I was damaged, or something. I was probably afraid you wouldn’t want me anymore

NORMAL PEOPLE (2020) | EPISODE 8

yang-kurangkai

let's take out the toxic miscommunication trope, i want what they have.

dunhamsolivia

so, i’ll go. and i’ll stay. and we’ll be okay.

fleabag 2x6, 2019 | normal people 1x12, 2022

yang-kurangkai

i love heartbreaks

the void i am currently feeling

being in your twenties is such a weird transitionary period. at one place, people say you are an adult. in another place, people say you are still a child. in your twenties, there’d be days where you want to shut the world out so you could really listen to yourself. but in some other days, you’d feel the void in your chest that you start rushing into thinking that maybe it’s time to find someone who can finally solve the missing piece….. only to realize that momentary crowdedness leads to a crushing desolation.

living an independent life in your twenties after being cocooned in a traditional household is even crazier. one moment, everyone expects you to be in your best behaviour. “no boyfriends! no staying up late! no parties!” and one day you’d wake up with the pressure of finding a future spouse. or everybody else will die without knowing how your future child will look like.

being in my twenties i start to realize the bedazzling reality, that the fuel which ignited my fire was praises and my ability to please people. i realize that what kept my fire burning was the perfect grades on my report card, the awards that collected dusts on my shelf, and the certificates of achievement that’s turning yellow…. only to realize that in the real corporate world, your value is only measured by your numbers—how much profitable you are for the company you work for. also knowing that some other human (your boss) can simply ditch you, like a disposable, to do the job. and in between your back-and-forth thoughts on careers, you wonder if it’s best to drop everything now and travel around the world while you still have the time and energy.

I started with the awareness that good things take time, some growth, and process. Goodness, I tell myself all the time that “it’s going to be okay” and “it’s just in my head”. So much so I don’t even know if consolation is better than truth and confrontation. But I can’t be the only person who’s feeling this way? In all my honesty, I have been having a hard time adjusting. And like some white chick once said, “I had the shiniest wheels, now they’re rusting.” And if I could get wasted, like all my potential, maybe I really really would.

sometimes I feel bad whenever I feel slightly more sentimental than any other day. It's as if like I am not allowing myself to feel certain emotions. sometimes I question whether I have successfully surrounded myself with my kind of people. the ones who see these emotional things as something to celebrate and appreciate as opposed to something that is disgusting and unappealing.

I feel so sad and lonely. Sometimes I wish I have somebody I can always reach out to without feeling guilty. This life is better travelled together with someone.

It’s when he realizes he has to do it on his own that all his guards came down, and suddenly it feels like it was everyone against him.

there’s always something that brings out humility when you walk in nature: things you thought were too overwhelming to handle all of a sudden seemed so small. you see the trees standing so tall that you have to stretch your neck, and you start to realise how short and tiny you are. you see a drop of water falling from a leaf, you see the insects hopping from one spot to another, and you start to think the infinite amount of movement that all living thing is doing in that second.

and so the pondering leads to this: “hold up, am i really that insignificant?” but instead of discrediting your worth, you challenge the significance of things that are playing inside your head. and as you blend with the ground and the greens, you come to realise that the anxiety you repressed can actually be put into perspective. you think people would care about what you did or said the other day. but chances are they wouldn’t remember because they are also thinking about how embarrassing they were. you feel scared and confused about what comes next, but in fact time is not trying to chase after anyone. you feel insecure because others seem to be ahead of their game, but truly they’ve been through processes you have yet to discover. there’s just innumerable, massive things that happened, are happening, and bound to happen.

something about the nature always manages to pull me back to the ground—to perhaps consider that to feel enough and be satisfied is to let things go the way they are supposed to be. and not constantly about how we want them to be and when we can reach them.

things evolve so quickly around here

so you guys remember how i told you i was feeling sad and lonely in Toronto.

one week has passed and i feel like i belong more to this place. i spent the first five days walking around the town. valerie came for 4 days from july 1st until july 5th morning. we went to different touristy spots like downtown toronto, eaton centre, harbourfront centre, we ate at an Italian restaurant in downtown, we ate on a boat with the skyline view, went kayaking in one of the lakes, got vaccinated at shoppers, saw the old and new city hall, finally found my way at the Consulate General of Indonesia. toronto is not much to see and it's not a really 'groundbreaking' city if you want me to describe it. it's just like any other ordinary business-focused city. there's traffic, there's a lot of people in the city, and it's fast-paced. after quite a while, i do feel like i can comfortably be unapologetic with what i want to do and be in the city. i have made a decision to let loose and not be too uptight with how i dress. i don't need anyone to know, but i want to do something for myself, and something that wouldn't hurt anybody. also nobody needs to know with how i change in how i dress because people will only talk if you let them talk.

i bought a new Michael Kors bag. the basic colour is black but the decor is rainbow/colorful highlights which i really think suit my style. i spend money without having to feel like it's irresponsible. i try very hard the past few weeks to detach myself from money because it has always made me a person i despise. i am too calculable, i constantly have fear of not having enough money. so i get confused with my own priorities. risking stuff that would actually make me feel happy and satisfied for inconveniences.

i started my day at KJRI on Monday and it was nerve-wrecking at first. i didn't know what to expect. are they going to be nice? are they going to be friendly? will they feel more bothered with my presence? are they only using my labour for photocopying and making countless cups of coffee? am i going to enjoy the volunteer work that i signed up for from a couple hundreds miles away?

the first day was actually better than i expected. i first met ibu dina, pak ito, and ibu puspa. they briefly asked about my expectations and the typical day in the KJRI. i sat there and lowkey wanted them to just give me the work i should be doing. i mean, there's no going back. i am already in Toronto. they told me that i am assigned to their economic division. helping the staff finding information, data, and provide some analysis.

okay, i thought. this is what i do in my normal schedule at school.

i got to meet the current interns there. they are all children of the staff members. when i first saw it, i obviously had my own prejudice, nepotism. i told to myself. but who am i to complain. i have and got what i need here. all i have to do is do my own stuff, make friends, and build connections. the first week, the interns did not come. so i was working alone. this is something that i learn about myself: i HATE working alone. i always need people's presence. i didn't really enjoy my first week because i was back in point 0. i felt lonely. so i went home earlier than everyone. being fake and all that. "halo, selamat pagi!" i would say.. and the constant "baik Bu. baik Pak." Jeez. the lack of human interaction.

but things started to get better on Friday. the interns did finally make their time and come. i get more motivated and i become more familiar with the staff at the office. i honestly want to be good friends with kak richard, who works under bu dina and kak meira who works for the social media, social and cultural aspect of KJRI. i found it hard to place myself in the office, but seeing young faces and how i sense their adventurous side and their desire to be free, I felt compelled. anyways, long story short it was 4 pm and I decided to just go home. as I said goodbye to kak meira, she invited me to a street food festival in Scarborough. it's part of her work, but it wouldn't be for me. it's more like a hanging out sesh. so i said, "yes! I'll come with" cause what else am i going to do?

we drove ourselves there with the interns: bita and siska. and i ate my sandwich in the car. we walked around there. there were so many food trucks available. i ended up buying 5$ churros, 6$ cendol, and rice with beef kebab for $10. initially, bita's dad offered to drive me back home from the place of event but i ended up going home with other staff members. mas surya was driving and kak meira, ci Margaret, kak mia, and joshua (ex-intern) were in the car. we went all the way to Scarborough and i began to see who these staffs are. it was not that obvious, i thought. i felt like i needed more interactions for me to understand them better. and so kak meira invited me for another get-together that they are organising. on Saturday, it was mas redy (one of the staffs) birthday and they were planning to have a picnic. and so on that moment, my weekend is settled. i felt happy. i didn't have to feel lonely this weekend. in fact, it was a night i would treasure. because i begin to see people as they are. not the facade that they put around office. the busy, serious and uptight looking face. but people who genuinely want to have fun and are thirsty to enjoy what life is supposed to be.

so they dropped me off on that Friday night. i said good bye and thank them for driving me all the way to 10 Martha eaton way. i went to sleep and the next morning i begin my new discovery.

I don’t know why but I feel sad and lonely.

- first day in toronto

i feel so out of place.

2 days ago i was watching my friend’s movie which was done so beautifully. and then it occurred to me that i am missing something from my life. it’s the connection and a sense of home to my people. I yearn for a relationship where i can feel like i am home. friends who speak in my language who i can always call and understand that i was bothered by something that happened here. how they would understand because we come from the same set of mind, set of culture and biases.

i spent the past two days listening to indonesian music and watching videos where the people are speaking in my language. when everyone around me was laughing, my mind wandered to the day where i met my friends. how it went so easy, how i felt heard and understood. how it just made me feel at home. i went home drunk in excitement. i want that connection. i want to belong to my country and the people in there. i want to make jokes, i want to laugh but i also want to talk about things that make me question my views and beliefs.

i long for a sense of home. but at the same time i feel stuck and i don’t know where to start.

I feel pity for people who cannot see the beauty or even enjoy the details of art and the intricacies that come with making it.

i-arabic

خسرت شيئاً، و فهمت أشياء.

I lost something and I understood a lot of things.

On friendships

Sometimes I get caught up with my inner struggles, not knowing what is best to do, how to act, what to say, how to react. I get too insecure and overthink things that does not even require much thinking at the first place. I get scared of jumping before I even begin to jump. I get scared of not being liked before even trying to get myself liked. I tend to be defensive and guard myself from different possibilities.

Sometimes I hate it that I have to be this way. I hate it because I know I could do better. But something in me refuses to open up and go with the flow. The what ifs always haunt me, the “I’m scared if I say this they will think I’m a loser”, the listening habit that goes on and on, leaving people feel like I do not like them and I do not enjoy their company, but in fact, I do. I really do.

When you come near me

If you come near to my peripheral vision, and you dare to ask me “will you forgive me?” I dare not to speak. In the deepest dark spot of my heart, yes I do. The rest of it refuses.

If only this problem is not as bad as I think it is.. Yet, it is worse than both I could possibly imagine and what I would like to think And don’t tell me I can simply move on and accept the reality that has happened Because it’s not and never been easy, because it hurts and it will always hurt.

I have tried to make sense the stupid decisions you have made, but none of it makes any sense. But does it really? Does it not make sense? Or does it actually… make so much sense. It’s just that conscience refuses to accept and believe that it is the reality that I have to see But do you even notice the innocence and naivety that’s still left in me?

The lie you have done should be unforgivable, yet I here I am Still attempting to reason why you did what you did. Do you, despite the things that you have done, deserve this?

If you finally have put your shit together and ask me, “aren’t you tired living like this? Avoiding me? Refusing to see me? To talk to me?” I know my answers. “Yes I am tired of all of this. I am tired of having to face this. I am tired of unlearning the things I thought were settled. I am tired of feeling like all my life, it’s been a lie. I’m tired of undoing the well-put image of you into a monster. I’m tired of the embarrassment of the days I speak highly of you, but you were also the person who put me into my lowest. I’m tired of pretending that everything is going well. I’m tired of being sad and not be able to enjoy the time I have with my friends. I’m tired of suffering internally. But most of all I’m tired that the cause of this suffering is coming from the person who just asked me how tired I am from living like this. Like this like being a victim of someone’s stupid life decision that only serve their temporary happiness, but nothing else.”

I am sad and I am angry. Angry at you and the situation. Angry at the people who stayed silent. Angry at those who are involved. Angry at your lack of autonomy. Angry at why you didn’t get yourself out from that trap. How crazy stupid are you? or are you actually not stupid, but you in fact enjoyed the life that is now making me feel like I am the most miserable person in the world?

Disappointment has never been felt intensely like this. So when you come to me and ask me, “will you forgive me?” I will ask you back, “am I obligated to? The past 12 years, you turn the other cheek, living your life and lying to all of us with no remorse. So why do you demand my forgiveness? How come you dare to ask for my forgiveness? Half of my life, you intentionally torment me and you let me believe in good things that you are not. You pretend to love me when the actions that you perform behind my back have shown otherwise. You let me live with lies more than half of my life. I cannot forgive you, I cannot be remorseful, equally the same as the time you dared to hurt us in the most emotionally destructive possible.”

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