Christ on this journey

Questions at the intersection of Same Sex Attraction and being in Christ

[yashablu]

I didn't plan on coming back. It's been 4+ years since I last posted 'my final post'. I even forgot my password and the email I signed in with. I didn't go back and read all 100+ posts but pretty sure I never mentioned being molested. It was the reason for this account.

A year before a conversation with a pastor friend who's straight about grace and sexuality triggered the memory of being molested at 16. I had taken a bus from Jersey to Ann Arbor to check out Michigan for college. While there at night I hitchhiked and the guy molested me. I froze when I should've fought back or fled. Instead I sat there staring at the blank brick wall in an empty parking lot. That's the memory that came flooding back, along with the smell of his cologne and the sounds as he tried to arouse me without success. I still only remember his face in shadows. It was my first sexual experience. Before that I don't remember being attracted to guys and had had a girlfriend for a year but she broke up with me before we had sex.

I don't remember much after that later that night, or the next day or the bus ride back to Jersey. By the time I got back, I had successfully buried it and never told anyone, I'm guessing cause of lack of courage and a lotta shame and guilt. I should've told someone cause something similar happened catching a ride with a stranger a few months later in Jersey. It went badly too, and when I got to college almost all my sexual experiences happened with another guy in a car. I don't remember ever thinking about what happened in Michigan again till my conversation with my pastor friend triggered the memory. I never told him till a couple years ago.

I tried to process remembering on my own but that went badly. After reliving it for months, I shared with some friends who helped me to see it wasn't my fault. These posts here were my attenpt to process the emotions triggered by the memory. I guess I should've shared it then but it was too raw.

I've lived with same sex attractions since college. I never put this into conscious words or thought, but being naked with another guy has represented intimacy, and another guy being aroused has meant being the most vulnerable. But I hated doing anything with another guy and haven't since getting out of college. Ever since I've tried to live with same sex attractions and understand things thru the lens of Christianity, and what it is to be a Christian and what it is to be a guy. It's been a rough journey at times, probably made harder trying to work it out on my own. I've come to realize since last posting here that my ideas about intimacy and sex are screwed up.

It's helped remembering Michigan, what has always been an inward hunger to get it right being a guy with other guys now just seems blind. It's been the appeal of porn since I can't bring myself to act out with another guy since following Jesus. Two guys being vulnerable and being guys getting it right. It's a lie, it's just guys following a script, it's not intimacy, it never was. But it's been a battle dealing with sexualizing false ideas of intimacy for so long. Truth helps. Realizing it's not intimacy empties its appeal, but it's a battle.

All this may seem crazy and sinful, but dealing with it has been maybe the most significant factor in my life in finding what is real in Christianity. There's a living reality in all the things that are taught as doctrine: heart and soul, spirit and flesh; old self and new self. What it is to believe into Christ and be in Christ. A living faith as passionate love of God's truth. The hunger for the reality of these things as living has been a constant companion on the journey dealing with same sex attraction.

The memory of being molested is no longer a prison of shame and guilt but I have been hesitant to share this. There's a line of thought that ssa comes from being abused or from dysfunctional families, and that's not true for the majority of guys. Most of the side b guys I know remember having same sex attractions from a young age, for them the attractions are organic to growing up. For me, they started in college, and I don't want my story to diminish theirs'.

What's weird coming back on Tumblr is a lotta the Side B guys I knew before are no longer here. Matter of fact, doing a quick search, it seems like most of the Side Bs I've found are women. Props to you ladies. If you're Side B, especially guys, feel free to hit me up. I've found it can be super encouraging talking with other Side Bs. It's a hard enough journey, made harder walking it alone.

[yashablu]

Man, 2 months, been awhile but digging deeper to daylight. Yeah that makes no sense but hope you get the idea. Props to the guys at Male Survivor who are doing that too. There's another place Husband Material that's good to be if you're a Christian guy dealing with porn, sexual abuse, same sex attraction etc.

Met a guy at MS who cohosts this podcast "No Longer Ashamed" and we started talking and ended up doing one with him. It's just my story but there's something of faith and Christ that helped get me get thru that I hope comes thru that encourages other guys facing stuff.

[yashablu]

Haven't been here a lot recently, I found - or it found me - MaleSurvivor.org

It's a place where guys who survived sexual abuse can tell their story and be heard without being judged or doubted, often for the first time. The stories are hard to tell or read but the result is healing and encouragement.

One of the surprises is how almost all the guys dealt with same sex attraction in some fashion after being abused and went on to married life and relationships with women.

It's not for everyone and that's probably a good thing but if this is in your history you'll be glad you did.

[yashablu]

Hi! Just wanted to let you know that there was a law passed in Canada to stop Christians from talking negatively about LGBTQ+. I think it’s great that you’re doing this and I’m a Christian too, don’t get me wrong, but people have already started being arrested. It’s heartbreaking that this is happening but I wanted to warn you just in case:/

Thanks for the headsup. I'm guessing it's cause of the video I posted. Yeah the title isn't helpful, it originally had a more helpful title. The video does a deep dive into conservative theology and the 3 talking all deal with same sex attraction. Some may be offended by the ideas coming from the theology but it's not antiLGBTQ+ in tone or direction. I'm a Christian dealing with ssa as well and this blog is my attempt to process this journey thru the lens of Christianity. Consider this a standing invite to call me out if I ever talk negatively about others on this journey. So much of following Jesus with ssa is trying to figure things out on your own since the answers from church so often are at best blunt more than helpful and a lotta times crushing. So yeah, the posts here are just my view along the road and they've deepened as well as changed. The only reason any Christian should give them credence is when something of Christ that means life registers.

I almost skipped posting it but it's 2 hours of otherwise solid conversation dealing with questions of identity in Christ and other questions that are worth considering.

The 3 mostly agree with each other, it would have been a more helpful conversation with other voices. One of the speakers continually referred more to the Westminster Catechism as her authority than the Bible and the intended audience may have been the wider church rather those on this journey. Still it's articulate even if you disagree and worth a listen if theologically you lean conservative or you care to hear the viewpoint.

[yashablu]

Hey Anon, if you see this, I'm not Canadian, fill me in on what "laws stopping Christians from negatively talking about LGBTQ+" looks like cause laws stopping negative talking about anything sure seems like at best a misuse of law. At worst a slippery slope that leads to things like blasphemy laws in Pakistan where you can be sentenced to death for insulting the prophet or the Quran, or offending religious sentiments. There the laws are misused to falsely charge others leading to being killed or years in prison.

[yashablu]

[yashablu]

Hi! Just wanted to let you know that there was a law passed in Canada to stop Christians from talking negatively about LGBTQ+. I think it’s great that you’re doing this and I’m a Christian too, don’t get me wrong, but people have already started being arrested. It’s heartbreaking that this is happening but I wanted to warn you just in case:/

Thanks for the headsup. I'm guessing it's cause of the video I posted. Yeah the title isn't helpful, it originally had a more helpful title. The video does a deep dive into conservative theology and the 3 talking all deal with same sex attraction. Some may be offended by the ideas coming from the theology but it's not antiLGBTQ+ in tone or direction. I'm a Christian dealing with ssa as well and this blog is my attempt to process this journey thru the lens of Christianity. Consider this a standing invite to call me out if I ever talk negatively about others on this journey. So much of following Jesus with ssa is trying to figure things out on your own since the answers from church so often are at best blunt more than helpful and a lotta times crushing. So yeah, the posts here are just my view along the road and they've deepened as well as changed. The only reason any Christian should give them credence is when something of Christ that means life registers.

I almost skipped posting it but it's 2 hours of otherwise solid conversation dealing with questions of identity in Christ and other questions that are worth considering.

The 3 mostly agree with each other, it would have been a more helpful conversation with other voices. One of the speakers continually referred more to the Westminster Catechism as her authority than the Bible and the intended audience may have been the wider church rather those on this journey. Still it's articulate even if you disagree and worth a listen if theologically you lean conservative or you care to hear the viewpoint.

[yashablu]

Watch ""There's No Such Thing as a Gay Person" R. Butterfield & C. Yuan - The Becket Cook Show Ep. 58" on YouTube

When I first came across this link, it was titled "What is the difference between "Side A" and "Side B" Christianity?" but now is changed to drive hits as much as to be on topic. Beyond the title, the discussion is articulate and theologically conservative if not always encouraging. It's 2 hours but offers a deep dive theologically worth considering even if you may not agree with everything.

[yashablu]

Sorry, the vid title reads really offensive but the content is talk based on conservative theology, and yeah, the title’s not a good recommendation for conservative theology

[yashablu]

Watch ""There's No Such Thing as a Gay Person" R. Butterfield & C. Yuan - The Becket Cook Show Ep. 58" on YouTube

When I first came across this link, it was titled "What is the difference between "Side A" and "Side B" Christianity?" but now is changed to drive hits as much as to be on topic. Beyond the title, the discussion is articulate and theologically conservative if not always encouraging. It's 2 hours but offers a deep dive theologically worth considering even if you may not agree with everything.

[yashablu]

Truth is, sin hardens the heart, not only turning you from God but making it harder to turn to him. And willful deliberate sin plunges you into a dark place. What follows with the guilt are the lies and deceit that beat down so you no longer see that God still loves you. Don't let sin keep you turned away from God, Jesus already gave his life and blood for you.

[without-ado]

Every single dot is an entire galaxy.

ll Herschel's view of 'Lockman Hole'

[yashablu]

“He stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them out like a tent to dwell in...

“To whom will you liken Me, or who is My equal?” asks the Holy One.

“Lift up your eyes on high: who created all these?

“He leads forth the starry host by number; He calls each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one is missing.”

Isaiah 40:22, 25, 26 

[yashablu]

Angst just seems part of this SSA journey. It’s a narrow road following Jesus anyway, being in the world but not of it, and having attractions that can drive you down detours ramp up the angst.

I let my angst direct me to what’s real in Christ and drive me to find my way in him and let the angst go.

[yashablu]

[yashablu]

Where’s the sin?

The question in a recent post was with same sex attraction, whether it’s the attraction or only behavior that’s sinful, behavior being any kinda sexual acting out, from lust to porn to sex. For Side A guys, neither attraction or behavior is necessarily sinful if you’re faithful following Jesus and I appreciate the feedback from anyone who’s heart is set on Jesus. But for me, following Jesus has meant that acting out is sinful. It’s enough for me that that’s the testimony of the Bible as I read it, but walking this journey, everytime I act out it feels like something good from God dies in me.

Whether the attraction is sinful isn’t as easy. I won’t repeat the thoughts about it on both sides from the last post, but living with ssa, the question has been a weight. I get the moral innocence of having attractions, but as a guy, being attracted to other guys comes with guilt in ways that I’m guessing straight guys never have being attracted to women. Add in that the attraction is often emotional apart from or before it’s ever sexual only complicates the question of sin and what it means to be faithful to Jesus. 

What I find in the Bible is that SIN is what separates us from God. If there was no sin, Jesus wouldn’t needed to have come to save us. All sin is bad, but the Bible talks about it in different ways, like in Psalm 32:

“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose iniquity the LORD does not count against him, in whose spirit there is no deceit.

...Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not hide my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,” and You forgave the guilt of my sin.”

Transgressions, sin, iniquity. Sin in its broadest means falling short of the glory of God, missing what it means to be godly, and is opposite everything that holiness is. Transgression is crossing the line that God gives in His word and in your conscience, it's rebelling. Iniquity or wickedness goes deep, the evil in our character.

In the New Testament in Romans 7, Sin is said to dwell within us, a reality so present and active that the writer says that “in me, that is in my flesh, dwells no good thing,” and refers to our bodies as “the body of sin.” The chapter finishes with this question, “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”and the answer given is “Thanks be to God thru Jesus Christ our Lord!” And it ends not with Sin taken out of our flesh, but with the truth that we can live faithful to God in spite of it. The next chapter begins with the crazy truth that “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” The deliverance isn’t Sin being taken out of our flesh, it’s being delivered from Sin’s power within. And the question that matters isn't so much Sin, it’s the reality of whether you are in Christ.

In view of all that, is same sex attraction sin? For me it’s not so simple. Romans 7 paints this picture of Sin as this evil as always active within us. I had this image one time. If you’re a Star Trek Next Generation fan, you’ll know the Borg. They were this race of human/machine hybrids without souls, living collectively off the will of the Borg Queen. Their ship was a massive cube with highly defined but motionless sides; google images for “Borg ship” and you can see it. Picture that ship in an endless black void, motionless, except every side had short ugly appendages always active, and that’s what I picture Sin to be like, this monstrous evil in our flesh always seeking a way thru our lives.

If you think the borg image is crazy, yeah I agree, you can come up with your own for indwelling Sin. But it helps me answer the question if same sex attraction is sinful. I kinda see the attraction not as sin, but as a channel for indwelling sin that's in me. 

There's a lotta disagreement of where the attraction comes from, are you born with it or is it something that comes after, a product of upbringing and environment. For me, the attraction started in college and has never been something I could embrace even when acting out. Since remembering Michigan, I have questions if what happened there is the source of my attractions, or if that's just rationalizing things. In any case, ssa has been like a channel gouged into my soul that sin fills apart from fighting it.

If you're Side B, you know the fight and how unwanted the attraction is, how it can engage your soul and direct your heart away from Christ. I encourage you to keep going hard after Christ and the reality of being found in Him. When you're in Christ, you came by way of His blood and there's no condemnation even when you've fallen short of who God's calling you to be. There's the Cross you take up that keeps the attraction from being filled by sin, and the love and grace that can both fill and heal that channel in your soul. 

I'm gonna say the same disclaimer I had last time, I hope it’s obvious, these views are my own. I know what it is to be blind to what’s true and only see things partially. But I also know that Christ is the Truth, and it’s in the reality of being in Christ that this journey makes sense. These posts are observations along the way, if what’s written doesn’t lead you to love God’s truth in Christ, leave them behind.

[yashablu]

You need what's true from God to be light going thru whatever darkness you're facing. His truth shines brightest in your heart when you love it but love's hard when life's trying to crush & break you. Until you realize God's got you when you got nothing. The heart He's given you He'll comfort & restore & fill.

[yashablu]

[yashablu]

Is same sex attraction sin or is it only same sex behavior?

A pastor who’s my friend & straight is a solid Christian, he loves Jesus more than anything and treats the Bible as God’s words. He believes that same sex attraction is not sin, only the behavior, which includes the lust that attraction can become. I get that the bond between two guys who are close is not sinful, of course it isn’t, guys who are straight enjoy that. Tbh, it’s what being brothers in the Church should be that it often isn’t for a lotta guys. 

Maybe it would help more saying same sex sexual attraction. Then the bond between guys who like each other can be seen for the healthy thing it is. We’re made for that kinda connection with others. For guys like me, that connection can become sexualized, often for reasons that have nothing to do with sex.

So, is same sex attraction sin or is it only same sex behavior? 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been all over the map finding my way with this. How can the desire for something sinful be anything but sinful? That makes sense, it’s the traditional view I’ve grown up with, but it leaves you without much hope dealing with something both unwanted and unasked for that for many never goes away. It’s just not helpful when “same sex attraction is sin” is the final word and the end of discussion. 

My pastor friend would answer that having an attraction is not sin. Altho he’s married, he says that being married doesn’t mean that other women stop being attractive, that the attraction only becomes sinful when it becomes lust. For him, being attracted to women is how he is built and is not a question of sin or guilt, and in the same way, guys who are attracted to other guys bear no sin or guilt if it doesn’t become lust. That makes sense too. 

When he said it, my reaction was that his attraction to women is morally miles apart from my attraction to guys, that his attraction is God given, mine couldn’t be. But as I’ve thought about it, my views have changed, not so much changed as deepened. And neither of the views take into account the side A belief that a committed relationship between two people of the same sex not only is allowed by God, it honors God, which deserves its own post.  

In some ways the discussion seems like an intellectual exercise miles removed from real life, like one of those late night talks you have about election or predestination. But how you view it really does affect the way that you live with same sex attraction as a believer following Christ. 

If you’re a Christian, how do you answer the question: is same sex attraction sin or is it only same sex behavior?

I’m gonna add a disclaimer for something I hope is obvious, these views are my own. I know what it is to be blind to what’s true and only see things partially. But I also know that Christ is the Truth, and it’s in the reality of being in Christ that this journey makes sense. These posts are observations along the way, if what’s written doesn’t lead you to love God’s truth in Christ, leave them behind.

[yashablu]

If you enjoy podcasts, The Place We Find Ourselves was passed along to me and so far so good. It deals with areas of brokenness from a Christian perspective in ways that are healthy and healing.