Idfk what to call this? A fanfic sorta maybe? But not really? Idk. Anyways, it's bc I saw this AMAZING list of John Walker angst hcs by @demise-seems-dead (Sorry for the tag if you don't like them, I wanted to give credit)
I will just put up for TW, poor mental health, self-loathing, self-harm, smth I would classify as a victim blaming himself in a sense, and suicidal thoughts.
It is also just MESSY to read visually, so sorry about that. There are a lot of strikethroughs/colors bc it's needed to 'tell the story' ig. I will make a cleaner version later but know there's a reason for the colors + strikethroughs
I do call the New Avengers the Thunderbolts when I'm talking about them + Bob btw. Just bc Bob is't a New Avenger, but he is a Thunderbolt so... idk if that makes sense. Idk, if it doesn't just assume I do it for autism reasons.
I do also wanna do a version for the others too I just started w/ John bc again. The angst hc list-
A John Walker who hates seeing his own face in the mirror because that man is a murderer. He's the reason Lemar's dead.
A John Walker who hates cameras and being the center of attention but does the interviews with the others anyways, because Val said too and he's a good soldier, the best soldier, a perfect soldier and the others enjoy having him there and want him around (Another hallucination from the serum's side effects, he needs to stop believing that) being a complete team to say fuck you to Val.
A John Walker who pretends to be fine compared to the others and doesn't say anything at all because he chose his hell. They didn't. Everything that happened to him was his fault because they don't need extra burdens.
A John Walker who doomscrolls to hurt himself because he is a monster like they say to keep up on the news because somebody has to know what the public thinks of them.
A John Walker who takes it when they blow up at him after a bad mission and doesn't mention the gunshot wound because he's a super soldier. He's fine. They should be frustrated anyways, and he can take it. He can take all the blows, he can fix himself up.
A John Walker who flinches at fire, but still cooks on the stupid gas stove because he's the only one who can cook and the older stoves make Bucky feel calmer and more at home on his bad day and it's not that big of a deal. It was years ago, why does it still bother him. It shouldn't. It makes sense Bucky has an issue, why should John think he can complain about it-?
A John Walker who wants to be quiet when he's overwhelmed, but forces himself to speak because he NEEDS to speak. Why would he shut up mid-mission? He can't be that selfish. He can't make them panic about him. (Another hallucination. They wouldn't care. He just can't make the mission fail because they think he bailed on them). And even outside of the mission, it's just rude to ignore people, his old man taught him that.
A John Walker who has a bag pre-packed for when in case they kick him out which they inevitably will because he's horrible. Olivia didn't even want him, why would these strangers?
A John Walker who wholeheartedly believes everything bad in his life was his fault and he shouldn't mention it to the others because it was. The others never got a choice. He DID. He just kept choosing wrong. Because he's wrong. He's a monster. He should just vanish, he should just die, it should have been him not Lemar-
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A John Walker who hates himself versus the Thunderbolts, who aggressively try to correct every wrong thought.
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A John Walker who hurts himself because he should because he's hurt versus a Yelena Belova who teases him to watch how he responds so she can hurt him more so she can realize when she should tone it back and stop letting him hurt himself.
A John Walker who cooks for them to prove his worth because he loves them versus a Bucky Barnes who tries to remember old recipes from when he was cooking for him and Steve to replace John so they can get rid of him to be able to step in because John hates the fire.
A John Walker who locks his doors when angry to keep the monster away because he's scared of hurting them versus an Ava Starr who phases into his room when he locks the door for a week because he's not pulling his weight and they're hungry and sick of takeout because he's been missing and they're worried because that usually means he's hurting.
A John Walker who did everything that he did for his country and talks about it often because he needs to remember he wasn't always like this because he is a good man who did much great! versus an Alexei Shostakov who constantly asks him about it because he's an idiot and doesn't get it's mocking because he wants to hear more about his fellow soldier who was used by his government before he was discarded. Different government, but same story, nyet?
A John Walker who replays the worst memories in his head because he needs to remember he's not really a caring man, that's why Olivia left him because he keeps helping Bob up and touching him despite the Void </3 versus a Bob Reynolds who's can't help but want to be near him anyways because he just wants touch and is horny because John is safe.
A John Walker fighting a losing battle against a bunch of fellow idiots who refuse to let anybody fall into a void without jumping in to pull them out.
Also, what the hell, guys? I have more than 600 followers???? That's INSANEEEEEEE. Thank you for taking the time to read these, and for liking, and all that stuff. I'm really bad at responding, but I love reading your comments. I feel like I should send you all celebratory cookies (that won't make your teeth red, hehe). No, but seriously, thank u all <3
Getting the fuckin urge to write the most devastating piece of SentryAgent angst only to title it "It’s only falling in love, because you hit the ground" because I’m obsessed with that song and that whole album 🗣🗣
I really like the idea of John just casually saying something extremely fucked up that happened to him during his childhood or time in the military and everyone else just kind of stopping and staring at him
The others all seem to be at least somewhat aware that the things that happened to them were awful but John just assuming the things he experienced were normal and not a big deal makes perfect sense to me
can we talk about the way Walker fights?? It’s insane. The shoulder shakes, the way his whole body winds up like a bull about to charge, then he just snaps and goes full berserker screaming. Love whatever is wrong with that man <3
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