yel-oh! diaries

✨now you know i'm *redacted* ✨

[daily-spooky]

[crreature]

Always always always thinking of this quote from Dear Senthuran by Akwaeke Emezi

[echoesoftheinfinite]

[dumblr]

I'm used to it.

[weltenwellen]

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

[daily-spooky]

[anotheroneidk]

fr

[overcaffeinatedsoul]

Saan nga ba pumupunta ang tao kapag gusto nyang mahanap ang kanyang sarili?

[yellowband-aids]

We love our person even in their most unlovable state. I was always there for you, but in the process, I started to forget myself.

[yellowband-aids]

I realized I wanted to vanish so completely that even I would not remember me.

[yellowband-aids]

I closed my eyes and felt her move closer to me. I can feel her stares. Then she finally hugged me. I rested my head on her shoulders and let myself feel her hug. This isn't just a hug, this is comfort. The comfort I need right now. I feel so safe and everything feels so light.

[theshunbun]

Take an Angry Bun 💖

[iambrillyant]

“your new era begins when you choose yourself unapologetically and release the weight of who you were yesterday, it begins when you decide that you’re deserving of a life better than the one you’re leaving behind, it begins when you start to believe in your own worthiness.”

— billy chapata

[yellowband-aids]

bucket list of corporate slavery.

Prolonged working hours and bullying by higher-ups strip employees of their motivation and even their capacity to make simple decisions. It often feels like exploitative companies are incredibly challenging to work for. My experience in the corporate world has significantly altered my outlook on life. This realization hit me after watching "Zom100," as I found a connection with Akiro Tendo's journey.

I entered the workforce with enthusiasm, hoping to excel, but eventually, my positivity was drained. It took a severe toll on my mental health. As my first job, I worked tirelessly to prove myself, giving my all, but what did I receive in return? Trauma. I reached a point where I dreaded the ringing of my phone because I knew my superiors would be calling, often reprimanding me for tasks they should have been handling. The voices of criticism continued echoing in my ears, instilling fear in my heart for an extended period. My workload haunted my sleep, creating a never-ending cycle. It felt like I woke up solely to work.

Resignation wasn't something I ever thought I'd have the courage to consider, especially as it was my first job. I repeatedly told myself to endure the treatment, but one day, I simply couldn't bear it any longer. I woke up with the realization that my job shouldn't define who I am. I am more than just my work, and I deserve recognition and fair compensation.

The grueling hours without adequate compensation left me feeling undervalued. I endured this for nearly four years. It's hard to fathom. I never imagined I'd gather the courage to leave my previous job and start anew, choosing my peace and self-worth.

I endured countless unpaid overtime hours and settled for less because, as upper management often said, I should consider myself lucky to have a job, let alone a quarterly bonus. They made it seem like taking leave was a luxury I didn't deserve, and even when I did, they would continuously contact me, oblivious to my time off. Sleepless nights and all-nighters to complete tasks that were far beyond my job description became the norm. Even when I was ill, I had to muster the energy to fulfill my duties because no one else would. I became a corporate zombie.

I realized that I deserved better. I didn't need constant reminders to be thankful for my hard work because I had earned it through dedication, sacrifice, and sleepless nights. Sometimes, leaving a toxic or unhealthy work environment is the best option for your overall well-being and career growth. I'm grateful for prioritizing my well-being and resigning from my previous job marked a significant milestone for my mental health.

It's almost surreal, but I find myself in a significantly improved situation now. Work remains challenging, but it's become manageable.

[yellowband-aids]

financial avenue.

Today was meant to be payday, but unfortunately, my budget is already in the negative. This is not the adulthood I envision for myself.

One day, I woke up and found myself in debts. I can't ignore the reality that my poor spending habits and my desire to assist others in alleviating their financial struggles have contributed to all of this. The cycle continues endlessly, and I find myself grappling to manage. All of my earnings seem to be funneled into my accumulating debts, which consistently gather interest. What's ironic is that I'm aware I'm merely covering the interest, and my initial debt isn't decreasing.

Sometimes, I envy those people who do not worry about their finances. Those individuals who get to spend their money on things they like without the fear of running out of funds. I hope I had been born with privilege, leading a life of equilibrium and comfort.

However, I find myself on the opposite end of society, struggling to make ends meet, often just barely or not at all.

There are moments when I asked myself, "Why must I shoulder this level of responsibility at my age?" I don't desire a fortune, just enough wealth to cover my necessities and desires.

Every time I attempt to indulge myself, I inevitably experience a subsequent feeling of guilt.

I yearn to leave behind all these difficulties and embark on a fresh start. Yet, what holds me back is the glimmer of hope that someday, even if it's not in the immediate future, I'll wake up without the burden of financial worries.

[iambrillyant]

“sometimes the alignment you’re hoping for happens when you finally surrender to the timeline you’re in, instead of trying to force where you think you’re meant to be into existence.”

— iambrillyant

[sportsandlaughs]

[iambrillyant]

“you’ve outgrown it for a reason. it isn’t by your side anymore because the weight of your steps need to be felt differently, it doesn’t feel as familiar as it used to because you’re not the same person you used to be, you lost grip of it because it was never yours to begin with.”

— iambrillyant

[yellowband-aids]

Dear Ma,

Its been 5 months but it still feels like yesterday. I never really get the chance to process my feelings. Ang bilis. Sobrang bilis. Parang nagising na lang ako, wala ka na. Literal na paggising ko wala ka na. Parang kasama mo ring namatay yung isang parte ng pagkatao ko.

Ang daya mo, Ma. Sabado pa yung huling pag uusap natin. Sana tumawag ako ng Linggo sayo. Sana naisip ko na bago ko pumasok nun Lunes kinausap kita. Sana bago ako natulog nun Martes naalala kong kumustahin ka. Sana nun pinaaala sakin nun boss ko yung annual check up natin nun Miyerkules, nagtext ako sayo. Medyo nag away pa tayo nun March 17 dahil sa utang ko sayo. Sana hindi na lang kita inaway 'non. Sana, nun March 18 mas kinausap kita kesa kinausap ko yung mga kaibigan ko tungkol sa naging ganap nun kasal ni Roda. Huling yakap na pala natin nun Linggo, Ma. Sana mas tinagalan ko yung yakap ko sayo, huli na pala yun.

Ma, ang hirap pala na wala ka. Mas naintindahan ko na kung bakit lagi ka nagagalit sa akin kapag puro palabas yung pera. Sana andito ka pa, Ma. Wala ako mapagsabihan nang nararamdaman ko. Wala nang nagagalit sa akin. Ang bigay ng responsibilidad ko. Pakiramdam ko mag isa ako, Ma. Hindi ko na alam if nabubuhay pa ba ako or I'm just living for others.

I just want to disappear for a while. To rest, to process everything, to let myself feel the pain of losing you, Ma. But I can't. Sina Kuya, mukhang nag move on na sila sayo, Ma. Pero ako Ma, parang kahapon lang nun iniwan mo kami.

Pag naaalala ko yung mga huling sandali mo, gusto ko magalit sa sarili ko. Kasi wala kang kasama nun, Ma. Hindi ko alam if okay ka ba nun nawala ka. Kung nahirapan ka ba. May masakit ba sayo? Mainit daw sobra nun araw na yun. Walang nakaramdam, Ma na aalis ka nun. Ikaw ba, naramdaman mo ba na iiwan mo na kami? Wala ko maalala nun araw na yun. Kailangang asikasuhin lahat. Yung utak ko parang nablangko.

Nung mga oras na yon hindi ko alam yung mararamdaman ko. Akala ko, Ma kapag nawala ka, magiging okay ako. Kasi sabi ko magiging malaya na ako sayo. Magagawa ko na yung mga gusto ko. Pero bakit ganito? Bakit sobrang sakit ng pagkawala mo, Ma. Nadudurog yung puso ko. Ilang beses kong tinangka na sumulat sayo pero hindi ko ginagawa kasi sabi ko, strong ako. Kaya ko ito. Parang nun nawala lang si Papa ito. Alam ko na yung dapat gawin, pero heto ako nagback to zero.

I feel betrayed, Ma. Ang dami pa nating pangarap. I feel like a failure. Puro lang ako salita. Wala man lang ako nagawa para sayo, Ma. I'm a mess. I hate myself. I don't know if I can forgive myself for all the things I missed. Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sayo, Ma.

Actually, Ma, hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Paano ko magsisimula para sa sarili ko. Gusto ko naman sana unahin yun sarili ko pero hindi ko magawa. Iniisip ko na lang, nakakatulong ako. Masaya na ako para sa iba. I guess?

I miss you so much, Ma. I miss how you always scold me even the tiniest thing. I realize that I appreciate that. But I'm too late. No amount of money can replace you. To all the opportunity I had, I just let it slip away. Sana nun naglambing ka sakin na sa Batangas na ako nagwork, sana pumayag na ako. Sana nun nagbibiruan tayo na baka any time kunin ka na ni Lord sana sineryoso kita. I wish I paid attention to all your pains and struggles.

I just wish I'm beside you that day. I wish I told you I love you more than everything. That I'm so proud that you are my mother. But you were gone. Forever. And I'm still here, hoping that this is just a dream.

[tonysopranobignaturals-deactiva]

it was a trauma response your honor

[yellowband-aids]

I second the motion. ✋🏻