sometimes, it feels like you're drowning in envy. everything you've ever wanted in life was already taken by someone else.
when you were in kindergarten and reached for the Barbie with pink hair, a hand shot out to grab it before you. when you were in the second grade and began to read more advanced books, someone managed to one-up you and reach a higher level. when you were in the tenth grade, you baked cookies for your first crush; only to find him with his lips preoccupied with another’s.
when you entered university for the first time, you figured you were finally free. you could be yourself, without having everything you merely glanced at taken away from you.
but then she shows up in your first class, and you think you're going to lose your mind.
because yes, everything you've ever wanted in life was already taken.
by who?
Jang Iseul.
-
“Y/n~” a voice drawls, and you suppress the grimace that urges to overtake your face.
you stop walking, looking at Lim Jin with a weary expression. he’s with a girl; she’s pretty, her hair is blonde and she’s wearing a short pink skirt with a white top. he has her caged in with his arms as she rests her back on the wall, looking at the two of you in confusion.
you bow, trying to move past. but then you feel a hand grab at your wrist, and you tug your arm back. “Don’t touch me.”
Jin grins, “Aw, feisty as ever aren’t ya?”
you frown, glancing back at the girl, but she just takes a sip of her drink and walks away, unbothered. the area you’re in is more secluded, not many people are here. you don’t know how to leave at this point.
“Don’t you think we should talk? It’s been over a year since I’ve seen you.” he smiles, and the sight only makes you more uncomfortable.
“I don’t think so. I just need to use the bathroom, so if you would excuse me-”
he grabs your arm again, tugging you into him. you gasp out loud, pulling your arm back harshly, but his grip doesn’t let up. he pouts, “Don’t be such a prude, Y/n. Iseul always hated that about you.”
something in your stomach tightens at his words, but you don’t have any time to retort when someone reaches out from behind you and grabs his wrist.
“Let go.”
the low timbre of his voice makes you shiver, and you don’t have to turn around to know which person is behind you. you can feel the heat from his chest radiating on your back; you instinctively press closer as Jin tightens his grip.
Jin laughs, but it’s not kind. “And why would I do that, Junie?”
Yeonjun grabs your wrist gently with one hand and Jin’s with the other as he carefully pries him off. “Because she’s uncomfortable.”
the words are so simple but they warm your heart. you never did very good when faced with the bare minimum.
Jin smiles, stretching his arms above his head. your nose wrinkles at the odour that emits from him. “Alright, fine then.”
his eyes meet yours, amusement and something else you can’t quite place coating his expression. “Tell Iseul I said ‘Hi’, kay?”
he walks away without another word as you try to calm your breathing. you really should’ve let Wonyoung or Belle accompany you. you don’t know what he’s going to tell Iseul, but you’re sure he will mention Yeonjun. and then she will interfere and tell Yeonjun all sorts of things about you to make him hate you and you won’t even get to be friends with him because she -
“You okay?”
you turn around, eyes wide and nervous. your heart hammers in your chest as you press your lips together at the sight of Choi Yeonjun; dressed in an oversized jacket with his hair crimson red, he looks absolutely breathtaking.
you swallow, forcing yourself to respond. “Yeah, m’fine. Thanks for… well, that.” smooth, Luna. smooth.
his brows furrow. “Don’t thank me. He was being an asshole, I just did what anyone would do.”
a part of you deflates at the confirmation that he really views you as a mere schoolmate. he would’ve done this for anyone, and the thought has you happy that he’s such a good person, but sulky that he doesn’t view you as someone special.
“Right, well thanks anyway. My world is not always as kind as you, Yeonjun.” your lips tug up in an attempt to seem casual. it works, because he directs his unearthly smile back at you.
“Sounds like your world sucks.” he teases.
maybe you should become part of it; maybe then it won’t suck.
you giggle, shy. “Well, not every part of my world sucks. Just like… fourty percent of it.”
Yeonjun’s eyes widen, “Fourty? That’s a lot. Maybe you need some superhero to come save your universe.”
you smile. “Are you offering?”
he throws his head back and laughs, the sound sending butterflies through your belly.
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·. .·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·. .·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·. .·:*¨༺
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Lim Jin and Iseul used to hook up.
Yeonjun was not flirting with Y/n, he’s simply that friendly.
Y/n did end up using the bathroom before she went outside with Yeonjun.
Yeonjun has been friends with all of them since he was in middle school. They planned which university they would attend together and chose SNU.
Yeonjun is a Dance major, Beomgyu is an Arts major, Soobin is studying Psychology, Taehyun is a Comp Sci major and Huening Kai is studying Sociology.
Someone sent in an anonymous confession calling them the Campus Whores because of their popularity. They found it funny and now it’s an inside joke and their group chat name.
Yeonjun had a girlfriend in his first year but they recently broke up. He doesn’t date around.
Synopsis: Crushing on Choi Yeonjun from afar was easy. You could admire him, write about him, and… that’s about it, actually. But you were content. When your best friend convinces you to go to a party, however, you run into Yeonjun. Somewhere along the way a friendship blooms, and your feelings grow. It’s too bad your ex-best friend of 16 years hates your guts though; you really should’ve known better, because anything you want is something she can have.
Content/Warnings: ignore timestamps/dates, toxic friendship, lowkey reader is not mentally well, angst, mentions of alcohol/drugs, KMS/KYS jokes, mentions of death/familial death, subtle hints of harassment, curse words, mentions of pills/meds, toxic familial relationships, mentions of anxiety, will continue to add as i update!
Taglist: open!
a/n: came back after a long time bc txt brainrot! will update hopefully frequently.
here are links and websites that you can open to help palestine, sudan, congo, and more, may it be for donations, petitions, or what more do you need to know. i am open to adding more links from anyone, so please let me know what can i add. the more, the better.
also, let me know if there are links that are inaccessible.
THE LEAST THAT YOU CAN DO:
do not forget your daily clicks!
DONATIONS:
Fundraisers for Gaza, Sudan, Congo, and more
Random Generator that shows you the most in-need fundraiser at the moment in time
donate to local relief groups/kitchens so they can alleviate the hunger of 1,000+ people in their area
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help support families in sudan impacted by war
Help Asjad and her Family Escape War in Sudan
Help Tala make a future after losing all family
please help noor and her family by donating in to their gfm
please help rawan ahmed and her family escape the war in gaza
CareForGaza: Supporting Displaced Families in Gaza
Help buy eSims for people in Gaza
Provide resources for Congo people
PETITIONS:
petition to investigate war crimes committed by the israeli military
demand ceasefire
open call for immediate ceasefire
urge the american government to stop funding israeli military
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:
a collection of credible sources for anyone who wants to know more about palestine and its history
list of companies that support israel
here is a spreadsheet containing fundraising platforms that help palestine escape the violence of genocide
spreadsheet of more than 500 funding links for supporting families in gaza
FicsForGaza: donate vetted fundraisers who help palestinian people by sponsoring some of tumblr writers’ fics/wips or vice versa! (more details in the link)
Anger was never something you associated with Yeonjun. until now.
to begin with, anger was not an emotion that was foreign to you. in fact, you might even say you were familiar with the explosive type of feeling, having grown up with a family that was seemingly always angry at something- or someone; often you.
but when you met Yeonjun, he was soft, sweet, and gentle. of course, that didn’t mean the two of you didn’t have disagreements. after all, arguments were inevitable, except Yeonjun always ensured that he would never get angry with you. he knew your history surrounded by those with uncontrollable rage, and never wished to inflict such pain upon you again.
so perhaps that is why you are so distraught at the mere sight of his outrage directed at you for the first time.
“You seriously couldn’t just control yourself around her? She’s my mother, Y/n, she deserves respect. It’s that fucking simple.” he crosses his arms as he stares at you.
the two of you are standing in the living room of your apartment. it’s 8:00PM; the sky is littered with stars as the moon gleams, the hue coloring Yeonjuns face prettily. but when you observe the anger coating his eyes, you take a step back, nerves flaring subconsciously from past experiences.
you ignore the tears that threaten to fall from your eyes, “I said I was sorry, okay? But you have to understand where I’m coming from, she wasn’t just just insulting me, she was insulting my entire life!”
he stands tall, posture rigid as he exhales loudly. “Regardless of what she said, you should’ve kept your composure and stayed respectful.”
you look at him incredulously, hurt that he would even insinuate that you were disrespectful and overdramatic.
“I was respectful! Everything I said was the truth.”
you sigh, shoulders deflating, “I had no intention to fight with her, Jun. I understand how much she means to you, I would never purposefully try to cause problems with someone that you care about.”
“Well, it’s too bad you did it anyway.”
Yeonjuns eyes are blazed with fury as he stalks over to you with heavy steps. his arm shoots out to behind you, causing you to flinch as you watch him pull away with his phone in his hand.
he pauses, eyes wide as he scans your form. your gaze is stuck on his chest, unable to look up as you feel trapped in the paralyzing fear of him so angry and so close.
but now Yeonjun is confused. why do you look so small and scared? who could you be scared of… was it him?
he places his phone on the table gently, whispering a soft, “Baby?”
your eyes dart to his at the term of endearment, analyzing his parted lips and unsure expression.
“What’s wrong?” his arm moves toward you again, though the moment his skin touches yours you flinch harder than before. you shuffle away from him slightly, feet stumbling as you step back.
“M’fine.” you mumble, arms wrapping around yourself as you shakily breathe in. “I… I’m done with this conversation, Yeonjun. We can talk about it later, when you’re not so angry.”
Yeonjun pauses, arm raised beginning to fall. angry? he wasn’t angry. upset, sure, but anger was not something he would ever want to direct to you no matter what. his brows furrow, mind retracing the events that occurred as he swallows harshly.
he had definitely looked angry just now, and he definitely felt angry. his stomach drops at the realization. his eyes snap to your form, a few feet away and looking more small than ever. he wants to scoop you up into a comforting hug but he knows your current state is merely an effect of his behavior tonight.
the last thing he has ever wanted to do is make you feel like you weren’t safe; like he wasn’t a safe space. and yet, all he has done is exactly that.
“Wait, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Y/n.”
you stand still before him, lips pressed together as you blink back tears. Yeonjun wants to bury himself alive at how upset you look. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, that was totally uncalled for and you were right, she was being unreasonable too.”
he inhales slowly, trying to stay calm as his mind scrambles and different scenarios of you not forgiving him play out.
“Would you look at me, please?” his voice leaks desperation, throat clogging up as he watches your eyes trail up from the floor to his face. he smiles as reassuringly as he can, gentle in a familiar way he hopes is comforting. “Do you mind if I come over there and give you a hug?”
you freeze, eyes widening slightly and Yeonjun prays to whoever is out there that you won’t decline; that you won’t reject him. he hopes he hasn’t messed up so bad that you could not handle even touching him.
but then you nod, ever so slightly and his shoulders relax.
he could fix this, he could come back from this grave mistake. he hasn’t lost your trust yet, and he smiles tearfully at the thought.
he moves with light, slow steps, trying his best not to seem large even if he does tower over you. once you are a touch away, he lifts his hands. you watch his arms intensely, eyes moving back and forth from his left to right hand.
he places them on your hips softly, before smoothing them behind your back and gently pulling your body into his. his arms wrap tighter as his head dips into your hair, smelling your favorite perfume and sighing at the comforting scent.
“I’m so sorry, I was being a complete ass just now. I didn’t mean to make you feel unsafe, I should’ve realized.” his voice cuts through the silence, and you exhale shakily at the genuine apology that falls from his lips. you know he didn’t mean to scare you or get so angry, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
“S’fine,” you whisper, though the tears that continue to leak from your eyes tell a different story. Yeonjun hugs you closer as your arms remain limp on your sides, until you feel him begin to tremble that you decide to reciprocate his hug.
you pat his back softly as he speaks. “I’m sorry, really. I shouldn’t have acted like that no matter what, you were right.” he swallows harshly and moves away, teary eyes mirroring yours.
“I’ll talk to my mother, she did disrespect you and I should’ve been a better boyfriend. That’s entirely on me, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
you sniffle quietly, taking his face in your hands and pulling him close, pressing a fleeting kiss on his forehead. “I won’t say you’re forgiven yet, but I understand. Please speak to her.”
he nods seriously, and you sigh as the tension leaves from your shoulders. because even though your argument with Yeonjun had shaken you, you know you two can get past this. with his comforting words and gentle embrace, you sink into his chest as you wrap your arms around his torso. you enjoy the silence that accompanies his steady heart beat, smiling softly as you feel him place a kiss on your head.
“I love you, y/n.”
the words are whispered carefully and softly, a declaration of love that must be both shown with his actions yet also spoken and communicated. you smile into his shoulder, inhaling his calming camomile scent.
when Wooyoung breaks up with you, you find yourself at a loss.
love seemed so unattainable on days like these; while you laid on your bed with your head smushed on the pillow beneath you, love seemed as though it were a mere dream, and nothing more. with a hollow heart and tear-stained cheeks, you sniffle through the piles of soaked tissues that surround you on your bed. disgusting, some might say, but heartbreak tugs at the strings that are intertwined within you, playing your love as though it were a broken harp as you begin to lose sight of yourself.
your empty eyes stare into nothingness as your mind traces back to the events that led you here; alone and miserable. alone and bitter.
and the bitter truth is exactly that; bitter. you cry through blubbering words that leave a sour taste on your tongue. you are bitter and miserable. misery, you suppose, is an emotion that makes you feel as though you dropped your favorite drink on yourself, staining the fabric that coats your skin as it sticks to your flesh like a leech. what a fool you are, drowning in bitter misery as you scream for help, pointlessly clawing your way up yet only sinking deeper.
your ringtone breaks you out of your self pity, but you ignore it. but then it rings again, and again. and suddenly you have to face reality again. you lift your head, wiping your cheeks as you check your phone.
your heart skips a beat.
it’s Wooyoung.
you aren’t sure what he wants, nor are you interested you are interested. he broke up with you, for what reason you aren’t sure yourself, so why would you grant him the opportunity to speak with you now?
it was angering. the idea that he got to say his piece as he broke things off but you hadn’t gotten a moment to speak for yourself and communicate how you felt.
but then again, here you were crying over him for the nth time this week. your breakup was fresh; just two weeks ago you were happy and together.
you breathe in heavily; heartbreak was exhausting.
your doorbell rings, causing you to lift your head as you check the time on your phone; 11:56pm, it reads. you are scared to check who it is that is at your apartment so late. you walk with soft steps, careful as you grab a knife from your kitchen and peek through the hole. but what you see isn’t a stranger; it’s Wooyoung.
you place the knife back, taking a deep breath before you open the door.
“What the fuck, Wooyoung?” you ask flatly.
he sniffles, hand moving to wipe beneath his eyes as he looks at you. he looks like shit, you notice. his hair is tousled, his cheeks look flushed and his eyes are red rimmed. you want to scoop him up and provide him all the love you have to offer.
but the reality was that this was your ex. you had to ask what he was doing. “Hello? Wooyoung?”
“Y/n.” he croaks. the sound of his voice makes your legs tremble and you ache to pull him in a hug, but you refrain.
you figure you can’t leave him out there so late. “Come in, Wooyoung. Don’t just stand there.”
he takes a step forward, slow and hesitant, until you gently grab his sleeve and tug him in. he takes a seat on the couch as you prepare a hot green tea; you weren’t sure what else to serve in the middle of a wintery night.
you hand him the cup and he takes it with both hands, sweater paws covering the majority of the mug as he blows on it. he looks so small and vulnerable, you almost feel bad, until you remember he was the one who broke up with you. you had no idea what he was doing in your apartment here tonight.
“I don’t understand, Wooyoung. What are you doing here at this time?” you ask, voice as steady as you can possibly manage.
he places the mug down, fiddling with his fingers. “I wanted to talk.”
your brows furrow, “Talk about what? I thought you said everything you needed to?”
he shakes his head, sniffling once more. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I’m selfish and I missed you, so I decided to come here.”
he looks up at you with wide eyes, “Do you want me to leave?”
your heart breaks, and what little resolve you had to be firm is gone. because the truth was, you were extremely soft for Wooyoung.
you shake your head, “No, but what do you mean you missed me? You broke it off, remember?”
his eyes fill with tears as he wipes them uselessly. he fists his hands, digging them into his eyes as you take steps forward and tug his hands away. you crouch down in front of the couch, “Talk to me, what’s wrong?” you ask softly.
his behavior is concerning, and you find the fragile demeanor to be heart rendering. because yes, you too, were heartbroken right now, but he looked just as bad, if not worse than you.
“I’m sorry, you deserve better than me but I still can’t help but love you,” he cries as he speaks, choking on the soft sobs that escape his lips. you shush him quietly, rubbing his back.
“What do you mean, baby? What are you talking about?” you run a hand through his hair, heart melting as he leans into it.
he tugs at his lip with his teeth, “You deserve someone better than me. So I left. But… M’ a selfish idiot who still needs you.”
he looks down at his lap, hiccuping as tears stream down his face, “You deserve someone like Jaewon. He’s perfect.”
your legs begin to hurt from the position, so you move to sit next to Wooyoung. you gently place your hands on his face, positioning it to face you. “Baby, who told you this? Was it Jaewon? I’ll beat the shit out of him right now.”
Wooyoung’s eyes go wide, an abrupt smile taking over his face, though it vanishes just as quickly. the sight makes your heart stutter, however you are still wondering who told him that you deserve better than him.
“Nobody told me, I just know.” he says quietly.
you tuck a piece of hair behind his ear, “Okay, well that’s just not true.”
you take a deep breath. “I have loved you for a while now, Wooyoung. You have given me the love I didn’t know I wanted; I needed.” you wipe a tear that falls from his eye, “It’s not fair for you to make the decision yourself on what I deserve. I want you, so who are you to deprive me of that?”
more tears cascade down his cheeks, “You still want me?”
you nod your head. “Always and forever, my love. If you’ll have me.”
he cries, throwing himself into your arms as his body shakes with his sobs. tears fill your eyes as you hold him close, running your hand up and down his back, before raking it through his hair as you kiss the top of his head.
the two of you lay on the couch for another twenty minutes, before you force him up and into the bathroom to change into an old pair of clothes he left over. you clean up your bedroom, tidying the bed as you wait for him to finish up. he emerges from the bathroom as he rubs at his eyes tiredly. you smile at the sight, walking to him and kissing his cheek. his face turns pink at the action, causing you to giggle at his shy look.
you get ready for bed next, somewhat rushing as you’d like to be in bed and sleep well for the first time in two weeks.
when you step out of the bathroom, you look to see Wooyoung drowning in the covers. he looks small, and you sigh at the sight. you walk to the side, turning off the light before sliding beneath the covers. he pokes his head up at your appearance, eyes drooping as he gravitates towards you. the moment his skin touches yours, he dives into your chest, arms wrapping as closely to you as possible.
you smile at the action, patting his head softly as he succumbs to sleep. “Love you, Y/n.” he slurs.
you kiss his head in response, “I love you too. Now, sleep.”
the two of you still had lots to discuss tomorrow, but you find comfort in knowing that he was there and not going anywhere. in the end, you suppose, love was not unattainable.
unedited drabble except I can’t write angst without adding a happy ending.
Synopsis: as you navigate a life filled with painful reminders of Hansol, you struggle to move on. then three months later, he shows up at your door. you can’t find it in your heart to turn him away.
WC: 2.9k
content/warnings: angst! vernon picks at his skin & there is a scene dedicated to it (no detail or mentions of blood, just wounds), a few curse words, mentions of drinking (wine), very soft-boy!vernon and doting reader. that's it I think (please let me know if I missed anything)
as of late, you simply feel remnants of what was once so intense. a mere lingering attachment to something you have almost let go of entirely.
but at the same time, you yearn for a day where anger doesn’t override affection. where you feel melancholy rather than rage, or content in missing him rather than the unsettling emotion from such a brutal ending. you ache for days that you wake up feeling whole instead of unfulfilled, getting through life without Hansol as you avoid harsh reminders of what once was.
but you’ll heal; you have to.
that is what you tell yourself, anyway. lately, it feels as though you would never heal. the conflicting emotions that are attached to Hansol Chwe come with a gentle anamnesis yet are taken over by deep-rooted betrayal each time.
you truly hate how emotional he makes you.
you take a sip of the red wine in your hand, eyeing your reflection through the black screen of your TV. it’s 1:00AM on your birthday, and while once upon a time ago you would’ve spent the night with Hansol, you are now spending it alone.
you are having a celebratory dinner with friends tomorrow, but you find yourself missing Hansol when you think about this being your first birthday without him.
usually, he would stay up with you till 12:00AM and shower you with kisses as he murmured “Happy birthday, my love” between pecks, but now you feel the overwhelming emptiness as you sit on a couch that was not purchased for one person.
you wonder where it all went wrong; was it when you got busy with family problems, and couldn’t see him every week? was it when he began making new friends, specifically a girl who would often comment on his posts on Instagram leaving you to overthink on lonely nights? or was it on that cold Saturday evening, when everything came to a halt as you both spewed careless insults toward one another; he had spoken to you as if you were nothing more than a stranger, much less his best friend; his girlfriend.
your ending with Hansol has left you bitter; you often regret loving him in ways he could never reciprocate. how foolish of you to believe anyone would love you back in such a capacity; how foolish of you to believe he could.
a knock on your door pulls you out of your thoughts, head snapping to the sound. your heart drops, eyes glancing to your phone that reads 1:34AM as you go through a mental checklist of who could possibly be at your door at such a time.
you approach the door cautiously, grabbing a kitchen knife on your way as you peek through the hole, before the sight sends you a few steps back.
what the fuck?
you open the door slowly, eyes wide as Hansol stands before you.
your gaze focuses on his clothes, drenched as they cling to his skin, before you look up at his face.
Hansol has always been gorgeous, and that fact was no less true now. it’s been three months since you’ve seen him, and you find that despite the dark circles beneath his eyes and messy hair, he still looks absolutely breathtaking.
you stare at the drops of rain coating his lashes, hating the way your chest claws at you, begging you to hold him close and get him warm and comfortable.
his eyes lift, scanning your face unsure as his black hair sticks to his forehead, water dripping from a few strands. he scratches at his finger, a bad habit he had when he was nervous that you had helped him stop.
but as you stare at the wounds on his hand, you realize he may have reverted back to some of his old ways after your parting.
“Happy birthday, Y/n.”
he smiles crookedly, and the energy leaves your body completely.
you place the knife down on your table loudly, causing Hansol to flinch as you move to grab his arm, pulling him inside. you glance at your window, cursing quietly as you see lightning, and realize you can’t send Hansol away now; not that you would have had it been sunny outside either, but you like to think you’d be stronger than that.
Hansol stumbles inside as you move to cross your arms, “What the fuck are you doing here, Hansol?”
he shivers, smiling tight-lipped. he looks unfamiliar in your apartment, eyes staring at the differences you know he noticed. “I came to see you. And wish you a happy birthday?”
your lips part at his response as you scoff, “Well, I don’t want it. You’re pretty fucking weird for showing up when we haven’t spoken to each other in months,”
his face drops, regret coating his expression as you turn around and walk to your room. he slips his shoes off and follows you timidly.
“And in case you forgot, we aren’t on good terms, Hansol.” you rummage through your drawers, pulling out your largest sweatpants and shirt before handing them to him.
he grabs them with confused eyes as you walk towards your bathroom, opening the door and gesturing him to go in, “Go take a shower, Hansol. As much as I don’t want to see you, you’re dripping rainwater on my hardwood floors, and I know you get sick too easily.”
he pouts, and you realize you’ve barley allowed him to say a word since he arrived.
well, that was deserved you figured, as he had shown up much too late for any sort of kindness from you.
he clutches onto the fabric gently, looking at you with wide eyes before he turns around and enters the bathroom. once the door shuts, you turn around and head back to the living room.
you head straight for your abandoned wine glass and tip the rest of it down your throat, exhaling as you run a hand over your face.
seriously, what the fuck.
-
Hansol exits the bathroom about ten minutes later, causing steam to emerge as it fills up the hallway.
he holds his soaked clothes in his hands, and you grab a plastic bag before handing it to him.
he murmurs a “Thank you,” and you nod back.
you walk into the kitchen, trying your hardest to ignore the awkward silence as you finish preparing two ramen cups. you carry them to the couch, handing Hansol the one you made for him before taking a seat across from where he’s seated.
he seems jittery, “So… How have you been, Y/n?”
he smoothes his palms on his legs, and you ignore the way your heart soars at the sight of him in your clothes. you’ve missed seeing him in your place, in your clothes; with you by his side.
your face stays neutral, “Great; until you showed up. Cut the shit, Hansol. What are you doing here?”
he opens his mouth before you cut him off, “And don’t say for my birthday. We aren’t together anymore, and we’re certainly not friends. You have no reason to come here or wish me happy birthday.”
he’s silent for a moment, and you’re sure if he had puppy ears they would be laying flat on his head.
“I just… Listen, okay? I missed you.” his gaze stays on your face intently, “It’s been a while since everything happened, and I’d really like it if we could talk about it. There are a lot of things I regret, and I’ve been dying to apologize to you.”
you sigh at his confession, ignoring the way your heart began racing after he said he missed you. “You want to talk about our failed relationship and apologize to me at…” you check your phone, “2:00AM on my birthday?”
he grimaces, “Well when you put it that way I sound like an idiot.”
“You are one,” you huff out a small laugh, causing him to smile sheepishly.
you sigh, resigning to hearing him out. he was here, clean and dry, and a quick look outside would tell you that the storm hadn’t passed. he was stuck here whether you liked it or not, so you might as well hear him out; after all, the two of you deserved some form of closure. even if it was at an absolutely unreasonable time.
you lean your head on your hand,
“So, talk then.”
he looks startled as he clears his throat nervously. you figure he hadn’t expected you to respond this way, and you would be lying if you said you yourself weren’t surprised with your actions. but you’ve always been a little too forgiving, especially with those you loved; especially with Hansol.
“Okay, for starters, I’m sorry I showed up at such an inconvenient time.” he bites his lip, “I’ve regretted the way I spoke to you last time so much, it’s been eating at me every day.”
you listen with a straight face, even if his words cause your chest to tighten. you ignore it; you realize you’ve been ignoring how you feel for a while now.
Hansol runs a hand through his hair, “I won’t lie, I haven’t been doing so well since our breakup.”
he gazes at you intensely, “I think… somewhere along the way I felt lonely in our relationship, whether that was because I hardly had time to see you or because I felt like you got distant with me.”
you listen silently, arms crossed and mouth downturned. the realization that Hansol felt everything you did makes you want to burst into tears then and there. you're beginning to notice that while you have been selfish and wallowing in self-pity, Hansol has been hurting as well.
“That night…”
the two ramen cups are long forgotten as they sit on the coffee table in front of you; your arms wrap tighter around your torso as you remember the venomous words both he and you threw at one another that night.
“That night I was horrible.”
his head tilts down as he sniffles, picking at the skin around his fingernail as his eyes fill with tears. “I was so seriously fucking horrible and I’m so sorry for everything I said. Me being lonely didn’t give me a reason to take it out on you; I should have communicated, not lashed out at you when you were going through shit too.”
hearing him apologize so genuinely was heart-rendering as you know you’ve hurt him deeply as well.
you can’t help it, you rise from your seat and sit beside him. you grab the hand he was picking at, intertwining your fingers with his as your other moves to his jaw, lifting it gently as your thumb wipes a running tear.
“Don’t do that, don’t put all of the blame on you,” you say softly. your anger had quickly diminished at the beginning of his apology, and while you know you’re letting go of your rage so easily, you figure it was about time you truly healed.
bottling up anger had halted any sort of progression, leaving the wounds from your relationship with Hansol still fresh and painful. this conversation was helping, however, and the notion that Hansol was just as miserable as you, if not more than you, was a comforting thought.
at least you weren’t the only one who was lonely and hurting.
you tuck a piece of hair behind his ear, “I’m sorry too; I said a lot of fucked up things that night as well, so don’t take the full blame for it.”
Hansol sniffles quietly and your heart aches, your hand holding his now caressing the skin gently with your thumb.
“I was lonely too, and I didn’t communicate either. It’s not all on you, it’s on both of us.” you softly rub his cheek as you stare at him fondly.
“There’s no need to villainize yourself. We both made mistakes, and we’ll both learn from them.”
you’ve resigned to the fact that you have an inability to hold grudges when it comes to Hansol. it was simply impossible to stay angry with him, especially when he looked at you with sad wet eyes.
his face crumples as more tears stream down his cheeks, “But, I don’t wanna learn from my mistake and lose you.” he grabs your hand on his face, leaning into it as his eyes find yours.
“You’re it for me, Y/n. Three months without you and I spent every second of it wishing you were still mine. I can’t picture a life without you in it, I just can’t.” he looks devastated, and you understand now that he thinks this is the end.
you give him a watery smile, wanting nothing more than to kiss him silly, even if you knew logically that you shouldn’t jump into things so suddenly.
“You’re it for me too, Hansol. I don’t think I could ever quite love someone as much as I loved you.”
he looks at you with wide glassy eyes, “Loved?”
you bring his face closer to yours, placing a kiss on his forehead, “Love.”
he pulls you into him, arms wrapping around you firmly as he inhales and exhales. you breathe shakily as you hug him back, hands trembling as you wrap your arms around his back and re-familiarize yourself with him.
the two of you head to bed soon after, Hansol sleeping in your guest bedroom; the two of you decided to take it slower for now, and see how things go.
you smile into your pillow as you succumb to sleep; it seemed you no longer had to mourn what once was.
Hansol turns in your guest bed, staring at the wall as he snuggles the pillow beneath him. he couldn’t wait to love you for the rest of his life.
Extra:
“Give me a sec, I’ll be right back.” you kiss Hansol’s temple quickly before standing up and leaving to the bathroom. he touches his temple in awe as he sits on your couch waiting obediently, staring in the direction you just left.
the night had gone better than he expected. when he told you he hadn’t been doing well, that was an understatement. after your breakup, he found it hard to get up on most days, he rarely went out anymore and he had lost joy in things he often loved doing with you.
Hansol had been thinking about your birthday for weeks, unsure how he would handle not spending the day with you. it was a special day to him; the day the love of his life was born, and the thought that you’d be spending it with several people but not him was torturing.
so that was how he found himself in front of your apartment, spontaneously deciding to show up and fully prepared to beg you to hear him out, if that’s what it took.
but you took the news better than he would’ve imagined; though he should have known, you were the sweetest to him, even when you were angry.
he’s broken out of his thoughts when you sit next to him on the couch again, a box in your hands as you lift the cover. he peers over curiously and tilts his head when he sees bandaids and ointment.
you look at him and sigh, grabbing his hand and bringing it to your eye level when he realizes what you brought the first-aid kit for.
his face flushes as you look at the reddened skin surrounding his fingernail. you open the ointment, carefully dipping a Q-tip in the cream before applying it on each of Hansol’s fingers. you finish by placing bandaids on them and smoothing down the sides delicately.
“Sorry… and thank you.” he whispers, still looking embarrassed as you stare at him with a serious expression.
you lift his hand to your face again, this time kissing each finger over the bandaid, keeping eye contact as his cheeks redden. he shrinks into himself when you finish as you break out into a laugh at his shy demeanor.
you leave to throw the bandaid wrappers away and place the box back when Hansol remembers what he’d brought with him.
he hurries over to his jacket, pulling out a small pink neatly wrapped box. he opens it, glancing at the rouge-colored rose quartz necklace. he hopes you’ll like it.
you yawn as you walk back to the living room, rubbing your eyes tiredly as the sun begins to rise. Hansol feels terrible about keeping you up so late, but he needed to do one last thing before you slept.
he grabs your hand as you look up to him in confusion.
“Happy birthday, Y/n,” he repeats, this time placing the gift in your hands gently as you pull back with parted lips.
you smile sleepily yet sweetly at him, “You shouldn’t have, really.”
he shakes his head, “I wanted to. Open it, please. I’m so nervous right now I could throw up.”
you giggle at his dramatic comment as you open the box, gasping when you spot the gorgeous pink stone, looking back at Hansol with sparkling eyes.
“Thank you so much! It’s gorgeous, I love it, I really do.” you glance back at the necklace, eyeing the way it glints prettily in the light.
you close the box before wrapping your arms around his neck as he hugs your waist, pulling you close and swaying side to side. he buries his face in your neck, kissing it gently, causing you to freeze before pushing him away with a nervous giggle. he smiles at your timid expression.
he was so glad to have you back.
a/n: well.. another Vernon fic haha … sorry for any typos !
Pairing: Joshua x Female Reader - Angst with a happy ending, somewhat slow burn, rejected to friends to lovers
Synopsis: Despite the fact that Hong Jisoo has been cold to you from the start, you have only ever looked at him with heart eyes. Except lately it's been harder to pretend like you were fine with his aloof demeanor, and things get much worse when you overhear a conversation you were not supposed to, revealing how Joshua truly feels about you.
WC: 11.6k
Content/Warnings: Mentions of alcohol & drinking, curse words, toxic relationships with siblings, one scene of body shaming/food portion shaming, little bit of Hongjoong from Ateez, shua cries:(, he’s also unreasonable in the beginning, pov switches between yn & shua, Seungkwan is the best friend everyone needs, y/n is a cutie.
a/n: not edited and ending is rushed but yolo
When Hong Jisoo breaks your heart, it comes in a way that hurts more than anticipated.
the two of you shared close mutual friends, and yet, there was a distance that stopped you from becoming any closer. despite the fact that you were often around each other, it seemed as if Joshua did not want to get closer to you. things weren't necessarily awkward, but they certainly weren't comfortable. and that was something you craved immensely, comfort with the person you liked.
though you were not deterred easily. you would ignore the way his smile faltered the moment he saw you, and greet him the same as you would with the rest of your friends; a beaming smile with kind eyes. you would ignore the way he slipped out of conversations that you participated in, staring sadly at his retreating back each time.
and most of all, you ignored the way his genuine smile was never directed at you.
and perhaps you are to blame, for not taking the very obvious hint that Hong Jisoo did not like you. but you were always a little foolish when it came to love, even more so with Joshua. and while you're sure you could have gone months enduring his cold behavior towards you, it all comes to an end at Mingyu's birthday party.
you're getting dressed with Seungkwan, your best friend who knows how you feel about Joshua and your dilemma. He sighs as he lays on your bed, watching you through a frown as you try on your fifth outfit of the night. "Y/n, please, you look good in all of them! Just pick one so we can go." he whines.
you pout back at him, "I promise this is the last one! Be honest, how does it look?"
you're dressed in a tight black cropped tee and a black skirt that hugs your hips well, with sheer stockings underneath. you finish the look off with an oversized black leather jacket.
Seungkwan looks up, "Perfect! Now can we go please?" and you giggle sheepishly, feeling somewhat bad for your best friend.
"Okay, but quick, what about my makeup?" you walk closer and close your eyes, displaying your hard work.
Seungkwan scans your face quickly and flicks your forehead. "It looks good, don't worry."
you jump up and rub your forehead pouting, but happy with his approval.
the two of you leave soon after, and you sit in Seungkwans car feeling jittery at the thought of seeing Joshua tonight.
Seungkwan looks at your wringing hands and smiles softly, "What are you worried about? You know you look gorgeous, and I'll be there with you."
you look to your best friend and sigh as the corners of your lips tug downwards. “You make it sound so easy, but any time we hang out with everyone, Joshua refuses to even look at me." you turn to glance at your reflection in the window, "And even though you’re with me, and everyone else seems to like me just fine, I can't help but want him to like me and stay with me too."
Seungkwan pats your leg sympathetically before returning his hand to the wheel. "Honestly, I don't know why he acts like that either, but maybe tonight will be different. Maybe you'll catch his attention with that outfit you spent ten years choosing." you laugh at his teasing, feeling reassured enough as you see Mingyu's house come into view.
once parked, Seungkwan looks at you and grins encouragingly, "Ready?"
you look up at him nervous, yet determined.
"Ready."
the moment you walk in, you're bombarded with the intense smell of alcohol and sweat. a disgusting mix truly, but Mingyu was notorious for his grand number of friends, so you didn't expect anything about this party to be different.
you grab Seungkwans wrist gently, unnerved by the number of people everywhere.
"You're here! Welcome, Kwannie and Y/n" a booming voice comes, and you smile excitedly at Mingyu.
"Happy Birthday, Minnie!" you jump to hug him and he catches you with ease. you and Seungkwan engage in quick pleasantries with Mingyu as he gives you the rundown of where the beverages and snacks are located. The two of you hand your gifts to him before making your way through the crowd to grab a drink.
Seungkwan pours himself a cup as you opt for a water bottle; you are not trying to get shitfaced in front of Joshua tonight.
"Let's go find the others?" Seungkwan asks, and you nod in agreement, heading up and entering the room closest to the stairway.
you look around, eyes subconsciously searching for Joshua as you study the people sitting on the couch and standing off to the side.
"Y/n! Seungkwan, over here!" you hear someone shout and look to find Hansol, Jihoon, Soonyoung, Jeonghan, and oh, Joshua is there too.
Your stomach feels as if it's in knots as the two of you make your way over to them. you greet them one by one before your eyes land on Joshua.
you smile sweetly at him, “Hey.”
though all he does is nod back with a tight smile and look away. you try not to let his lack of a response affect you, but you're sure it shows on your face as Seungkwan quickly grabs your hand and drags you over to sit down.
when conversations begin to pick up, you try to engage in them happily, though your eyes often drift to Joshua throughout the night, and you feel defeated as he ignores your existence entirely despite participating in the same discussion.
you sigh and stare down at your feet before abruptly getting up; your friends turn to you, and you quickly put on an easy smile looking at everyone but Joshua.
"I'm gonna go get a drink, I don't think this water is going to get me through tonight." you say with an easy grin. they all nod in understanding, though Seungkwan pulls your wrist before you leave.
his wide eyes scan your face, "Do you want me to come with you?"
you shake your head, patting his hair and forcing yourself to smile once more. "I'm okay, I'll be right back, promise."
Seungkwan looks worried, but he lets you go with a reminder. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"
you nod, chuckling at his protectiveness as you walk away.
you exhale softly once you're far enough, allowing the sadness you've felt throughout the night to finally show on your face. with a frown, you pour yourself a drink, though you dilute it with some of your water to ensure you don't end up drunk. you take a sip, shoulders sagging at the subtle bitter taste, and head back up toward the boys. except upon reaching the room, you see a pretty girl in your seat.
but that isn't what bothers you, no, it's the way she's engaging in a conversation with everyone else, Joshua included. your chest hurts when you watch Joshua smile and nod at her, eyes sparkling in genuine interest; something you wish he would do with you. you want to run away and isolate yourself in a corner, but you promised Seungkwan you would be back.
you bite your lip and force a cheerful smile on your face as you walk toward them, choosing to stand behind Seungkwan and lean on him since your seat was occupied. Jihoon sees you standing and moves to get up, but you shake your head and urge him to sit back down.
When Seungkwan looks up at you though, his brows furrow and you know you aren't hiding your hurt very well. He stands up beside you and grabs your wrist before turning to your friends, "We're gonna go get some air, we'll come back in a bit." Seungkwan wastes no time dragging you toward the empty balcony.
"What's up? Did anything happen when you went to get a drink? Did anyone bother you?" he asks worriedly, eyes scanning you for any injuries and you quickly shake your head, moving to hug him. "It's not that, nothing happened. I just..."
you sigh into his shoulder, "I don't mean to overreact, but it's so obvious he hates me at this point. Did you see how he was looking at that girl?" you look up to Seungkwan with a sad smile, "I tried so hard to get his attention, not only with this outfit but every time I speak he just won't look my way. But he seemed to like her just fine."
Seungkwan pats your head, and you continue to ramble, "Clearly, the problem is me. At this point, I would rather just hear him reject me." you finish dejectedly.
Seungkwan sighs at your defeated tone.
"Listen, I can't excuse the way he's been acting even if he is my friend. He's being an ass, even if he doesn't like you, you haven't done anything to him for him to treat you that way."
he smiles at you encouragingly, "But, I think you should talk to him about this."
you look at him incredulously, and he laughs at your expression, "Just listen!"
you cross your arms and deadpan. "Okay, I'm listening."
Seungkwan grins gently at you, "I just think if you pulled him aside and forced him to speak with you, he might just be honest and tell you why he's acting that way. There must be a reason, and I think he might tell you if you ask." and though the thought of speaking to Joshua alone and confronting him sounds absolutely terrifying, you figure Seungkwan has a point; maybe there was a logical reason behind his behavior. maybe he would tell you if you asked.
your heart feels lighter at the notion, and you find yourself smiling at Seungkwan as you jump into his arms, "Thank you. For listening to me and the advice and overall just being the best friend ever." you murmur into his shoulder. He pats your back, and you can hear the smile in his voice.
"What else are best friends for, dummy."
ꕥ
and so, with a newfound mindset, the two of you head back to your friends. upon reaching the room, you find the door is closed. Seungkwan moves to open it, before you hear the conversation taking place inside.
"Dude, you have to just tell her soon. I feel so bad when I see her try to get your attention just to see you ignore her." Soonyoungs muffled voice says, and you pull Seungkwans arm away from the knob as you step closer to the door.
"Soonie is right, Joshua. You've put it off for too long now. She's already friends with everyone, there's no getting rid of her and you know one of these days she'll start crying." Jeonghan adds on, and you feel your hands shake as you begin to put the puzzle pieces together on just who they are talking about.
Seungkwan is silent beside you, and the two of you stand still when Joshua speaks. "I know, I know. But... it's so hard." you can hear him exhale tiredly, "She technically hasn't done anything wrong, so I feel guilty that I don't like her. How am I supposed to tell her she makes me uncomfortable with just her presence?" he asks desperately.
Jihoon is quick to respond rationally, "Well, you don't say it like that. You just have to tell her that you can tell she likes you, and while you are flattered, you would appreciate it if she toned her admiration down since it makes you uncomfortable. That's completely valid, Joshua."
A tear slips down your cheek as you take a step back, though you're still close enough to hear Hansol’s voice; you hadn't known that many of your friends were aware of Joshua's discomfort with you, and the realization hurts more than you care to admit. “Just make sure you tell her sooner than later. She looked really hurt when you didn't spare her one glance the whole night but then saw you took interest in Dami."
and if you weren't humiliated before, you certainly were now.
you feel Seungkwan grab your wrist gently, pulling you towards him for comfort, but before you can appreciate the gesture, you hear Joshua speak, wedging a knife into your heart once more.
"I'll see if I can tell her soon. It's just kind of annoying to me, y'know? I have never given her the impression that I like her, so I don't understand why she insists on pushing me so much. She bakes me stuff, stares at me whenever we're all together, and makes me feel like I have to be close with her to not hurt her feelings."
he's silent for a moment before adding the final blow to your heart. "I wish she would just take the hint and leave me alone."
but you've heard enough now; you wipe your cheek and gently shake Seungkwan off before placing your hand on the knob and opening the door. you don't look at your friends' faces, though you can see their mouths open in shock in your peripheral vision. you strut straight towards Joshua, heels clicking as you walk before you stop in front of him.
you observe his pretty parted lips, the way his eyes glimmer when the light hits them just right, and the fact that the boy in front of you who has just shattered your heart is someone you have liked for quite a while.
he opens his mouth, looking to say something, but you didn't think you could handle hearing him speak any longer.
"I'm sorry." you blurt out softly.
"I... you were right, I did like you from the start, and I tried to show it in ways like baking for you and trying to talk to you whenever I had the chance." your voice rings in the quiet room, and the muffled music coming from downstairs makes your head spin.
"I didn't know I made you uncomfortable with my presence, I never would've acted the way I did had I known." your throat hurts and you wish to cry, but as you stand in the middle of the room with your friends and crush looking at you, you hold your tears back.
"I am so incredibly sorry for inconveniencing you all these months. I thought that even though you seemed uninterested, I just had to work a little harder to make you like me, even just as a friend." you smile bitterly as you look into Joshua's widened eyes. "I understand now though, so you won't need to put up with me anymore. I'm sorry that being around me was so hard for you." your voice is laced with heartbreak though it is firm.
you look around at your mutual friends in the room, smiling disappointedly at them, "Well, I'll leave you all to it then. Have a good night, guys."
and with that, you walk out, past Seungkwan, and finally allow the overwhelming amount of tears out.
that night, you wait for Seungkwan in his car while he comes up with an excuse to tell Mingyu, as you two were leaving quite early.
and once you're home, showered, and makeup-free, you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling. you spiral at the thought of Joshua disliking you all along, and you wonder how many of your friends stood there and watched you make a fool out of yourself each time. it feels suffocating; the knowledge that you have been nothing but a pitiful burdensome girl to Joshua and your friends for so long.
but after tonight, you know you need to change.
and so, while on the brink of falling asleep, you make a promise to yourself to never bother Hong Jisoo again; it would be as if you didn't exist, just as he wanted.
your weekend consists of Seungkwan, Jun, and Minghao comforting you. the two had attended the party as well but arrived quite late so you were not able to catch them. Seungkwan updates them on the events that occurred, and while they feel angry with Joshua on your behalf, they are also upset with the rest of their friends who didn't clue you in on how he felt either.
you enjoy the company, however, and attempt to use those two days during the weekend to heal as much as you could; Minghao does some skincare with you, Jun helps you bake a batch of comfort cookies and Seungkwan convinces you to dye some of your hair as the cliche heartbroken people normally do.
and though it all helped immensely, you still feel unprepared at the thought of what Monday brings.
ꕥ
except when Monday arrives, everything feels anticlimactic. you attend class as usual, spend your break with Seungkwan, Minghao, and Jun, and attend your last lecture of the day before heading home. and that should be the end of it.
unfortunately for you, however, nothing is ever in your favor. while exiting the campus, you find yourself running into the last person you want to see; Joshua.
he’s standing a few meters away, back turned towards you while he talks to Jihoon and Hansol. you are not ready to face them, you realize. you move to turn around and find another way home, but Hansol spots you and waves awkwardly, causing Jihoon and Joshua to turn to you as well. you curse internally at his endearingly unsure smile and wave back tight-lipped.
you figure you might as well keep walking now that they’ve seen you. hiking your backpack higher on your shoulder, you make your way toward them. you know they’re all looking at you still, and the knowledge that Joshua has his eyes on you as well makes you want to crawl into a hole and hide for eternity.
you’re not sure if they expect you to stop and greet them, but Jihoon greets you. “Hi, Y/n.”
you nod once in response with an empty smile before continuing to walk home.
while part of you wants to run back and greet the two and Joshua with a happy smile, you haven’t forgotten the promise you made to yourself to leave Joshua alone. and while that normally wouldn’t include your mutual friends, you’re still upset that they hid his immense discomfort from you for so long. you sigh, shaking your head to rid yourself of these thoughts and continue walking home; you would get over Hong Jisoo, you would make sure of it.
-
Joshua stares at your retreating back and hears Jihoon sigh. “Well, she’s definitely pissed at you and I, Hansol. I’ve never seen her look so unhappy with us.”
Hansol nods, face pinched, “I don’t blame her, I can’t imagine how she felt after hearing us talk about her like that.” he sulks, looking in the direction you walked in.
“I need to apologize, there’s no way I’m letting things stay the way they are.”
Jihoon pats his shoulder in agreement.
he glances at Joshua, “So, how did it feel finally getting what you want? Happy that she left you alone?”
Joshua frowns at him, unsure himself why he is not very happy, but decides there must be a reason. “Who knows, it feels too early to tell.” he dismisses, ignoring Hansol's narrowed eyes at his response.
he was probably in shock, he reasons. you’ve been consistent in his life for almost a year now, and despite the uneasiness that came with being in a friend group with you, Joshua was not used to your lack of attention. It’ll feel better soon, he tells himself; if only he knew how wrong he was.
-
you spot your friends again as you begin heading home, though this time they are without Joshua. you sigh before placing your headphones in your ears as you tune out the rest of the world. your eyes are still slightly swollen, courtesy of the humiliating situation you experienced just a few days ago at Mingyu’s party. you have yet to get over it, and the sight of your friends only worsens the heartache. you wonder when the pain will subdue.
you want to be at home, wallowing in self-pity in your bed; the thought makes you move to walk faster until someone grabs your arm. you turn around, jerking your arm with an annoyed expression, ready to tell off whoever grabbed you until you see Jihoon. you tug out your headphones as you press pause on your music.
“What can I do for you?”
Hansol beside him gulps as you take your time to observe him, Jihoon, Soonyoung, and Jeonghan. they all look extremely apologetic, and the sight does diminish some of your pain. some.
“We wanted to say we’re sorry.” Jihoon begins.
the wind blows softly on your face, a contrast to the raging emotions you feel inside of you. the unease you feel surrounded by people who used to make you feel so safe is saddening, but you know none of this is your fault.
Jeonghan moves closer, “There’s no excuse we can give you. We were shitty friends, and that was that. We should have told you about Shua earlier, or defended you. That was on us.”
you stay silent throughout the apology, not exactly pleased with them but willing to hear them out.
“Yeah, and we understand if you aren’t willing to forgive us right away. We’ll work for it.” Hansol interjects. the words sound sincere coming from them all, but you know you’ll need time before you can trust them again.
you nod, face expressionless as the rest of them begin to look dejected.
Soonyoung pouts, “I’m really sorry, Y/n. We all are. And as long as you’re okay with it, we’ll do our best to make it up to you.”
you press your lips together before sighing softly. “Do what you want, no promises that I’ll forgive you right away. You really fucked up and broke my trust.”
the rest of them nod with somber faces at your words, before you wave and begin to turn away, placing your headphones back in your ears. you knew you’d forgive them. it was simply a matter of time for you.
-
The next incident when Joshua sees you is on a Friday afternoon in the library. upon entering, his eyes immediately find you; clad in an oversized hoodie that looks much too cute on you, reading glasses perched on your nose, and your eyes trained on the book in front of you. you look like a dream.
Joshua blinks back to reality at the thought. you look like a nightmare, he corrects himself.
he sighs, choosing to focus on finding the book he needs, skimming through all of the genres and textbooks, unable to find the one for his Chemistry class. he approaches the front desk, speaking lowly to the librarian, “Do you know if the Chemistry 2L5 textbook is available?”
“One moment.” she responds quietly, clicking her keyboard to search for the availability.
she looks up to him with a shake of her head, “Sorry, it’s not available right now. If you’d like, I can add your name to the wait list?”
Joshua's lip juts out in a slight pout, and he is about to accept when someone places the exact textbook he needs next to him.
he looks up and his eyes find yours; you turn to the librarian, “I’d like to return this, please.”
she takes the book from the desk and glances at Joshua, “Looks like you’re in luck, I’ll sign this out for you now.”
he nods, surprised yet pleased, and moves to thank you, but when he looks to the side, you’re gone.
when Joshua walks home that evening, a dazed look in his eye and textbook in his hands, he thinks of you. he had always thought of you as a little too childish and pushy, but as he glances at the book in his arms, he realizes there may be more to you than he initially thought.
-
two weeks have passed since Joshua’s encounter with you in the library, and it is as if you do not exist- or rather, it is as if he doesn’t exist.
he should be celebrating, he should be comfortable; he should be happy. and yet, it feels like something is missing.
he sighs and collapses onto his bed. he doesn’t understand why you ignoring him is bothering him so much. but for someone who really liked him before, you sure are good at avoiding him now. he purses his lips, thinking of your past encounters- or lack thereof.
exhibit a.
Exiting his class, Joshua is startled when he hears Hansol’s honking laughter from across the hall. He chuckles quietly to himself as he walks over to Soonyoung and places a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, what’s Hansol laughing his ass off about?” Soonyoung immediately clues him in, going on a tangent about some embarrassing situation that took place moments before.
except Joshua’s eyes dart to you, a few feet away from him, your arm entangled with Minghao’s. he tunes Soonyoung out, watching you glance at him before whispering something to Minghao and leaving without looking back. Joshua snaps out of his daze once you're out of sight and looks back up, noticing Minghao glaring at him.
Well, it seemed many of his friends were upset with him lately. he realizes he can’t blame them.
and of course, the avoiding didn’t end there.
exhibit b.
Joshua entered the popular cafe next to your campus during his break, knowing it was the group's go-to spot for lunch.
“Shua!” Hansol calls. he looks to the side and sees everyone at the corner table; including you.
Joshua motions to the front, “I’m gonna grab something real quick.”
Hansol gives him a thumbs up in response. Joshua orders a simple sandwich, quickly walking to the table, pulling out a chair and sitting down.
but as soon as he begins unwrapping his lunch, you rise from your chair.
“I actually have a class in 10, so I’ll see you guys later.” you announce, grabbing your bag and leaving with a wave.
Jihoon squints as he watches you leave the cafe, “I thought her class wasn’t for another hour.”
Jeonghan shrugs as he chews, “She probably doesn’t want to be around Shuji. We should give her the space she wants.”
The table is silent for a moment before Soonyoung breaks the awkward atmosphere and everyone speaks again.
Joshua, however, stares at his half-opened sandwich ignoring the conversations around him. suddenly, he did not have an appetite.
but once again, things didn't stop there, leading to:
exhibit c.
“So, who’s house are we meeting at for tonight?” Jun asks no one in particular.
Mingyu sighs dramatically, “Not mine, my place is still trashed as fuck from last week's party.”
Joshua internally rolls his eyes, Mingyu and his weekly parties.
“We can do mine? I’ll text Y/n and tell her we’re doing a movie night.” Minghao suggests, and everyone agrees. Joshua wonders if you’ll come, since you’ve made it your number one goal to not be in the same vicinity of him for the past three weeks. he bites his lip in anticipation, discreetly staring at Minghao typing on his phone as he texts you. he watches Minghao’s brows furrow and lips tug down before he sighs and clicks his phone off.
He lifts his head up, “Y/n can’t make it, but she said ‘Have fun and don’t watch a super scary horror movie or Seungkwan and Soonyoung won’t be able to sleep tonight.’” he giggles as he reads out the last part.
Soonyoung and Seungkwan stand up with matching pouts, yelling all kinds of nonsense but all Joshua can think about is how he’s ruined the entire friend group dynamic from his own stupidity. he wonders if things will ever go back to normal again.
-
another week has passed since you rejected their movie invite, and Joshua feels as though he is losing his mind. it has been well over a month since what occurred at Mingyu’s party, and nothing feels the same. he tries to convince himself that it’s guilt, but even he knows that what he feels goes deeper than that.
but today he can’t think about you; Juyeon, his brother, informed Joshua that he would be visiting tonight. and while lately you’ve been occupying his mind, he knows he has to focus on his brother unless he wants to get scolded.
he sighs for the umpteenth time, staring at the front door of his apartment and waiting to hear the bell. despite knowing it was going to come, he still flinches at the sound. Joshua rises to his feet and inhales deeply before opening the door.
“Hey, Hyung,” he says with a hesitant smile, ignoring the way Juyeon nods in response, face blank.
Juyeon removes his jacket and hands it to Joshua who obediently hangs it up, before sauntering over to the couch.
Joshua quickly takes a seat on the couch in front of him, “I ordered from your favorite restaurant, the food is on the table.” he speaks quietly.
Juyeon ignores what he has said and spreads his legs comfortably, “How have you been doing in school, Jisoo?”
Joshua swallows; suddenly his throat feels dry. “I’m doing well, I’m still at the top of all my classes." his voice is soft, gentle; weak. but he's always been weak when it came to his brother, and it has never gotten better with time.
Juyeon nods, face unreadable, "Okay, good. I expect you to email me your grades when they arrive. Don't disappoint me, Jisoo."
Joshua dips his head, face passive. "I won't, I promise." he stands up, holding his hands behind his back to hide the fact that they are shaking. "Let's eat? I'll get the food ready."
Juyeon nods once again, and Joshua is reminded of his hatred for his mannerisms; his inability to speak if it's not to scold him or ask about his grades.
Juyeon takes a seat at the table, posture straight and face confident as Joshua places the food for his brother first, and himself after.
Joshua is in the midst of placing food on his plate when Juyeon squints his eyes, looking at Joshua's portion. "You're going to eat all of that?" he asks unabashedly.
Joshua pauses, wide eyes looking at his brother as he nods slowly.
it was the wrong answer it seemed, as his brother frowns. "You may want to limit how much you're eating. I noticed as soon as I saw you that you've gained some weight." he dabs a napkin on the sides of his mouth before looking up at Joshua, "You need to keep in good health to take over the company when I'm too old."
Joshua ignores the way his eyes burn, nodding at Juyeon's words, and places half of the food on his plate back in the pot.
The rest of the night goes uneventful, with only a few snide remarks and insults thrown Joshua's way. but that is how it's always been with Juyeon, and Joshua hadn't expected anything different.
when Juyeon leaves, Joshua stands in his apartment alone with an empty stomach. his eyes crystalize with tears and he sniffles, wiping them half-heartedly. he decides to go on a walk, heedless of it being dark outside.
he doesn't know where he's going, but he walks, and walks, until his feet take him to a playground. It's empty, quiet, and dark; the perfect place to cry alone. so he does. he sits on a swing and cries, albeit softly.
he hates his stupid family, and his stupid brother, and the stupid company he has to take over. Joshua hates it all.
he doesn't know how long he sits there crying, but it must be a while as he suddenly feels cold. the night air brushes against his bare arms, goosebumps arising to the touch as he continues to sniffle.
"Um, are you okay?" a hesitant voice reaches out, and Joshua jumps at the sound.
they put their hands up in alarm, "Sorry, sorry! I've just been hearing you cry for the last ten minutes and I finally built the courage to just come and ask-" they step into the dimly lit yellow street light; it's you.
"-if you're okay..." you trail off, arms falling to your sides as you observe Joshua's appearance. Joshua on the other hand, feels horrified; someone he wasn't close to in the slightest caught him crying alone at a park in the middle of the night. he doesn't know what to say as he looks at you with wide teary eyes.
after a moment of staring at each other, you sigh and slowly step closer as Joshua continues to stare at you.
you take a seat on the swing next to him.
"So, what's got you so sad tonight? Did something happen, or was it a particularly sad movie?" you ask quietly.
Joshua certainly isn't in his right mind after all that has occurred in the past hours and decides to stop thinking rationally.
"You know of a movie that would make someone cry in the middle of the night at a park alone?" he asks with a watery smile, and you look back at him sheepishly.
"Not really, but I figured I would give you an out if you didn't wanna talk," you shrug. Joshua appreciates the sentiment.
the two of you sit in silence for another minute, until a harsh gust of wind causes Joshua to sneeze. your eyes dart to his bare arms as he sniffles, brows furrowing. "Dude, why would you leave the house without a jacket at this time?" you berate worriedly.
Joshua sulks when he looks at your concerned eyes, "I wasn't really... in the right state of mind." he whispers. you nod in understanding, before standing up and unzipping your oversized sweater.
Joshua watches you wearily as you walk over to him, stopping in front and bending down to his eye level, before gently placing your sweater around his shoulders. he stares into your eyes confused, but his shoulders sag as the feeling as warmth and comfort overtake his senses.
"Put your arms in, hurry up before you catch a cold." you remind, smiling when he listens and does as you ask.
he's missed your smile, he thinks.
he looks up at you once putting his arms in, and you nod in approval before gesturing to the zipper.
"You do it," Joshua says petulantly, and you look at him with an incredulous face before sighing in exasperation and doing as he asks. he is definitely going to be embarrassed when he wakes up tomorrow, but you've already seen him sob alone before this, so he figures his dignity can take one more hit.
you stand up when you're done, and Joshua murmurs a "Thank you," covering his face with his sweater-covered palms, enjoying the warmth it brings to his cold cheeks.
"I should get going, I'm really not trying to get kidnapped by going home any later than this," you say, and Joshua looks up, trying to ignore the pit of disappointment he feels at the knowledge you are leaving.
you smile faintly at him, "I'll see you around, Joshua. Don't worry about returning the sweater, you can just give it whenever you have the chance."
you turn to leave, until-
"Wait."
you turn back to him in confusion, and Joshua knows he needs to take this chance to make everything right; apologize, ask for forgiveness, and suggest starting over. you have been plaguing his mind for too long now, and after tonight, Joshua knows that he doesn't want to be strangers with you. he wants to get to know you as a person; as a friend, and to do that, he needs to apologize.
Joshua stands up, hands curling on the ends of his sleeves- your sleeves, "I... I just wanted to apologize." he starts, watching your brows furrow.
"For what?" you ask softly, sounding genuinely confused, and Joshua feels like the biggest asshole to exist.
"For everything!" he says frustrated.
"I... was so horrible to you from the start. I didn't even get to know you before I started disliking you, and it's been eating at me for the past month, but I regret every single thing I said that day." he bites his lip, sniffling, and stares at your feet, refusing to look at your face.
"You were never the problem, it was me. I think I got nervous that you liked me and were so forward, but that didn't mean you deserved to be ignored like that, or talked about behind your back." Joshua is breathless at the end of his apology, and he looks to see you staring at him with surprised eyes. "Um... you don't have to forgive me right away- or forgive me at all, of course! but, and I know this is a long shot, but if you were by chance open to it, I'd like to start over with you... as friends?" he finishes hesitantly, chest rising with each breath as he awaits your response.
when you seem to process everything he's said, you blink harshly and look into his eyes with a friendly smile, "Thank you for your apology, Joshua. It means a lot." you turn, starting to walk away.
Joshua's shoulders sag in defeat; he figures this was your wordless rejection to his proposal, until you turn back around.
"Sure though, let's start over!" you call out, voice echoing slightly in the silent neighborhood.
Joshua's eyes light up, smiling widely as he nods back at you.
that night, once Joshua is back in his apartment dressed in pajamas and drowning in the soft covers on his bed, he stares at the sweater on his desk with a giddy smile, shoving his face into his pillow with a happy noise.
he was so excited to see you tomorrow.
ꕥ
“So what, he apologized and you just forgave him?! just like that?” Seungkwan yells, looking at you as if you were crazy.
you giggle at his wide-eyed expression, “Yes, I did. It was a very genuine apology, okay?” but he shakes his head at you in response.
Minghao interjects from his place on your desk chair, “Lighten up, Kwannie. Y/n can make the decision for herself. I’m sure she knows better than us whether or not she can trust him,” he takes a bite out of the apple in his hand, “After all, she’s the one who he hurt the most. She would be more skeptical than us.”
Jun nods, “And I’m sure he won’t do anything like that again. Y/n ignored him for so long which clearly made him react.” he shrugs, moving to pat your head in comfort.
You smile at their responses, “Exactly! Don’t worry Kwan, I won’t get hurt again. I expect quite literally nothing from him.” while you are endeared by Seungkwan's overprotective behavior, you don’t regret forgiving Joshua. you know had you rejected his apology, you would’ve regretted it.
Seungkwan sighs, moving to hug you with a pout, “Okay, as long as you’re sure Y/nie.”
he grabs your face in front of his and squishes your cheeks, “Just promise me you’ll tell me if he does something again, I’ll beat him up!”
“Okay! I promise.” you remove his hands from your face laughing, before Minghao interrupts, “Beat him up with what muscles? You’re about as weak as they come.” he teases, but shuts up when Seungkwan levels him with a glare.
you giggle as they bicker, standing off to the side and watching them with Jun. you had told them part of what happened with Joshua. you just cut out the entire fact that he was sobbing uncontrollably, figuring it was a personal thing.
and so, things have changed once again.
the next time you see Joshua, he’s with the others. you greet them all with a cheerful grin, smile widening when Joshua waves at you and blushes. you assume he’s still embarrassed about last night, and though you should feel bad, you find his reddened cheeks look very cute.
“So! What are we doing for lunch?” you lilt, leaning your head on Minghao's shoulder.
he wraps his arm around you, "Nothing at this rate. These losers are still fighting over where to eat."
that was not the correct thing to say it seemed, as they began quarreling with him now. you sigh and clap your hands loudly, "Okay! Sucks for all of you, I'm choosing now, and I say we go to the cafe like we normally do."
the rest of them stay silent and agree begrudgingly, and you giggle as you step out of Minghao's arm and take the lead to walk there. you hear footsteps get closer to you, and turn assuming it is Seungkwan, until you look up and see Joshua.
you raise your eyebrows and smile, "Hi. You okay?"
Joshua presses his lips together and nods. you notice his cheeks are still a little pink. you bite your lip to stop yourself from grinning.
"Yeah, uh, the others didn't wanna go to the cafe at first because they wanted to try somewhere new, but we couldn't agree on a place." he rubs the back of his neck sheepish, and your stomach jumps slightly when you realize he's actually engaging in a conversation with you.
but you're not as nervous around him as you were before, the blissful innocent feelings you harbored for him have simmered down into a muted version of what was once so intense.
you nod understandingly, "Ah, I see. Too bad for them then." you shrug, and Joshua chuckles at your demeanor.
you arrive at the cafe and everyone goes to order their food. you take a seat right away, however, as you bought your lunch in the morning. you take it out of your bag, unwrapping it as someone takes a seat in the chair beside you. you look up to see the last person you'd expect; Joshua.
he promptly ignores your questioning face and unwraps his own lunch. "So, how were your classes, Y/n?"
you squint your eyes before shaking your head, “Good, good. except my first one, I got paired with someone I don’t really like, but it’ll be okay.”
Joshua is surprised, finding the idea that someone upset you so much you disliked them very shocking, “Oh, what did they do for you to not like them?” he asks curiously.
you open your mouth to respond, but the rest of your friends arrive with their own food. you smile at Joshua, “I’ll tell you another time.”
his bottom lip pushes out unintentionally, and you giggle as you look away from him.
the next thirty minutes consist of the familiar comforting atmosphere that existed between you and the others, before Minghao calls out to you from across the table.
“Y/n, Hongjoong was asking about you the other day.” he wipes his mouth as he speaks, arms folding on the table as he leans over. the table has quieted down, all eyes staring at you with raised brows.
you tilt your head, “Oh? What for?”
“I think he’s into you. He asked for your number, but I figured I’d ask before giving it out.”
Joshua shifts in his seat beside you, an uncomfortable look taking over his face. what was this deep pit he feels in his stomach? he frowns as he watches you smile shyly. “Ah, I see. I don’t know him that well, but you can give him my number.”
Joshua’s breath hitches at your words, and the rest of the table goes completely silent. you to look around in confusion as your cheeks puff out, “What?”
the ruckus picks up again, Hansol waving his hands awkwardly, “Nothing, nothing! We just didn’t know you were interested in dating right now.”
Joshua’s heart drops at the word. you were interested in dating? he wants to pout, why would you go out with this Hongjoong guy when you liked him just a little while ago?
“I’m not saying i’ll date him, I’m just saying you can give him my number and i’ll see where things go, that’s all!” you smile reassuringly, though all it does is make Hansol nod unconvinced.
Joshua knows the others are just as shocked as he is, especially since your feelings for him were not exactly a secret. but you giving your number to Hongjoong meant something has changed. either you wanted a new friend, or you’ve moved on from Joshua.
he finds the latter an upsetting thought.
ꕥ
“Who’s that?” Joshua asks, brows furrowed slightly as his eyes narrow.
Jun’s lips tug upward at the sight of Joshua’s face, “Hongjoong.”
Joshua’s head whips to Jun, “That’s him? He isn’t even her type!”
Jun chuckles at his friends’ words. “And who exactly is her type?” he leans his face closer, eyes mischievous, “You?”
“I never said that. I just meant she’s out of his league.” Joshua huffs, crossing his arms. Jun shakes his head at Joshua who is still burning stares into your back as you giggle at Hongjoong’s words.
what exactly was he saying that was so funny? Joshua could be funny too. why were you standing so close to him too? did he know a thing about personal space? Joshua doesn’t know what expression is on his face, but it must be comedic as Jun beside him bursts into giggles.
“If you like her, maybe you should just confess?”
Joshua splutters, “I do not like her! I’m merely…concerned for her well-being.”
Jun nods, rolling his eyes. “Uh huh, sure.”
there was no way he could like you. the two of you were only just getting to know one another properly! especially after the past events, Joshua was simply glad you accepted him as a friend. he could not like you now after rejecting your advances for so long as well.
“I’m serious. I do not like her.” Joshua stares at the glimmer in your eyes, the pretty color of your lips that stretch into a grin, and the way your hair falls perfectly around your face. “There’s no way I could possibly…”
but then his eyes dart to the man before you, eyes scanning the flirty smirk that is directed towards you as you tuck a lock of hair behind your ear. Hongjoong moves closer, arms wrapping tightly around your waist as you move yours around his neck, and Joshua bristles. when the two of you part, he exhales rather dramatically.
turning to Jun, Joshua presses his lips together. “Okay. Maybe I like her.”
Jun cackles, lips curving into a grin, “Yeah, I could tell.”
Joshua looks at his friend, expression hopeless, “Fuck. What do I do?”
-
“I refuse! I reject you! Not even in one thousand years!”
Seungkwan grabs a couch pillow and chucks it at Joshua as he hides behind Jihoon. Minghao is trying to calm Seungkwan down, pulling at his arm gently but all Seungkwan does is glare harder at Joshua from across the room.
“You can’t like her now! You had your chance, you fucked up and now she’ll date Hongjoong and you can suffer!” Seungkwan laughs wickedly at Joshua’s fear, and he can hear Hansol’s barely contained giggle from the corner of the room as well.
Jihoon intervenes calmly, “Kwannie, that’s not your choice to make. Y/n can decide for herself. Joshua just wanted to tell you because you’re her best friend and you mean a lot to her.”
Seungkwan pouts, cheeks puffing out cutely as he falls rather dramatically onto the couch. “Yeah well, you should’ve seen her the night your best friend Joshua said she makes him uncomfortable to a bunch of people she thought were her friends.”
the room quiets at that, Jihoon not exactly having a response as even he knows the night of Mingyu’s party was something that impacted you and your friendship with most of them.
“Listen…” Joshua stands up, hands falling from Jihoons shoulders as he moves to the side. “I fucked up. I know, I admit it, okay?”
Seungkwan crosses his arms, head tilting up as he listens.
“But I’m really trying here, Kwannie. I should’ve given her a chance before, but I didn’t and that was on me. This time won’t be like before, I’ll be the one chasing her, I promise.”
he walks forward, closer to Seungkwan as Jun, Hansol, Minghao and Jihoon watch in silence. “I’d really like it if you could also give me a chance, I’m sorry I was a horrible friend to you and Y/n. I’ll do my best to make it up to you both.”
Seungkwan deflates, “Y/n especially.” he seems to have given up on his anger after Joshua’s apology, and Joshua smiles happily at the notion.
“Y/n especially.” he repeats.
ꕥ
"Mingyu, hi!" you greet with a giddy smile, moving to hug the tall man as you enter his home.
he grins back, "Y/n!", and sweeps you off your feet, spinning you around as you giggle like children. the rest of your friends watch with amused expressions as he places you down, ruffling your already messy hair even more. you turn to look at the rest of them, "What are we waiting here for, why haven't you guys set up?"
you walk into the living room, placing your basket of snacks down, and beginning to put pillows on the floor. it was movie night, which meant you and the others met up at Mingyu's house and all watched a movie that the majority voted on. tonight it was either The Little Mermaid, or The Exorcist. two very different options, and you were voting for The Exorcist; Seungkwan was the funniest when watching horror movies.
“We were waiting for you to show up.” Jihoon interjects from across the room, beginning to help you place pillows and blankets on the floor.
you stand up, stretching as your arms go up, “Ah, my bad. Well i’m here now!”
you all begin to take your seats on the pillows, snuggling into the blankets. you sigh, content, turning to the side and smiling at Seungkwan. you look to your right to see who is sat beside you there, and lo and behold, there sits Hong Jisoo. your heart jumps for a moment at the close proximity, and you mentally berate yourself for it. you promised yourself you would move on from him, so why was he sticking to you like glue now?
Joshua smiles, “Are you excited to watch The Little Mermaid?”
“Yeah, but I was looking forward to seeing Kwannie all scared. It’s too bad.” you puff out your cheeks, pouting, until Seungkwan hits you with a pillow beside you and you burst into giggles.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” you plead through laughs, falling onto your back as your head lands in Joshua’s lap. Seungkwan stops his assault, causing you to look up with a breathless smile, and you find yourself face to face with Joshua.
he looks at you so sweetly, your heart jumps; the smile on your face falls. you look up at him with wide eyes as you realize your current position.
he looks down at you with an amused grin, “You good?”
you immediately sit up, ignoring the butterflies that run rampant in your stomach.
“I’m good.”
the rest of the boys watch your interaction closely, before Jihoon sighs loudly and presses play on the movie.
you sit with your knees to your chest, trying your best to focus on the movie and not the boy on your right. you knew getting over him was not going to be an easy task, but his sudden friendly behavior has made it hard to make any progress.
half way through the movie you feel him lean closer, “Don’t you think Flounder is cuter in the live action?” he whispers into your ear.
you barely register the words, shocked with the closeness. “Yeah, his voice actor is that kid from Wonder.” you whisper back, glancing at the others to see if they noticed you two speaking. they all remain focused with the television, and you feel silly for thinking you had anything to hide.
Joshua nods beside you, subtly moving closer until your shoulders are touching. the skin on your arm tingles with the warmth, and your mind scrambles for some sort of reasoning as to why he was acting this way.
the movie finishes soon after, with you quickly standing up and excusing yourself before heading to the bathroom.
your face looks flushed in the mirror; you hate that Joshua still manages to get you so flustered.
you slap both of your cheeks, closing your eyes as you take a deep breath. you can do this. you will get over Hong Jisoo.
you exit out of the bathroom, finding most of the guys passed out on the couch, save for Seungkwan, Jihoon and Joshua. you ignore Joshua’s intense stare as you head straight for Seungkwan. you wrap your arms around him, “Ready to go?”
Seungkwan pats your back, “Yeah, let me grab my keys and we can leave.”
you turn, watching as Seungkwan says his goodbyes to Jihoon, though your attention falls onto Joshua when he takes steps towards you. you tilt your head up, crossing your arms, “I’ll see you around, Joshua.”
“Don’t avoid me anymore, okay?” he asks, “We’re friends now, right?”
you hadn’t exactly thought the two of you were close, but you supposed friends was okay. after all, he’s already apologized to you and you’ve seen him in a fairly intimate setting; him crying in a playground at night. you sigh softly at the reminder of that night.
“Yeah. Friends.” you smile, arms uncrossing as he moves to hug you. you wrap your arms around his back, unsure, as he tugs you close. you can smell the subtle cologne coating his skin as you inhale, hating the way you enjoy the scent.
the two of you part, and you say your goodbyes to Jihoon as well. you leave with Seungkwan, feeling more confused than ever. you had given up on Joshua, not only romantically but as a friend. you feel conflicted, but you suppose you should take things as they go.
it wasn’t like he liked you, so all was well. you can still get over your feelings for him as you stay friends, you’re sure of it!
-
you are not sure of anything. ever since your night meeting Joshua at the park, he’s been acting weird; clingy.
and there was nothing wrong with being clingy, you adore your friends who cling to you and shower you with affection! but Hong Jisoo was no ordinary friend of yours, and you find yourself stumped at his behavior. in the span of three weeks, he has baked you cookies; you specifically.
“I baked these just for you, will you try them?” he smiled sweetly. you simply nodded in response.
he’s also waited for you after class; “Y/n!” he shouted, waving with a cute smile as he stands off to the side. you looked at Joshua in shock, before walking towards him and tilting your head, “What’re you here for?”
“You!” he grinned, “Let’s go find the others, i’m starving.” your eyes scan his face, looking to see if this was some sick joke, but he was completely serious. you walk side by side as you meet up with your friends, shrugging when Seungkwan looks at you two with raised brows. you didn’t know either.
what really did it for you however, was his behavior when you mentioned meeting Hongjoong again.
“Yeah, Hongjoong is gonna be at the party, so I…” the smile slipped from his face as soon as you brought it up, causing you to trail off as you tilt your head.
your brows furrow as you stare at Joshua, “I told him I’d meet him there.”
you bite your lip, figuring you should just ask. “Are you okay? You look kind of annoyed.”
Joshua’s face changes immediately as he forces a smile, “Yeah, yeah. I just didn’t know you and Hongjoong were still talking.”
“Oh, yeah, we haven’t stopped. He’s really sweet, we get along well!” you smile happily as you speak, and though Joshua smiles back at you, you feel something off about his demeanour.
“Oh! That’s good, that’s good.”
you pause. he doesn’t sound as genuine as he normally does. he almost looks… Jealous? you try to scrap the thought immediately, but it stays with you as you go about your days.
ꕥ
you’re getting ready for Mingyu’s party, thinking about the fact that Joshua and Hongjoong are going to be in the same vicinity. you just hope it won’t be awkward, but why should it be? the guy you used to like and the guy that currently liked you. that isn't odd in the slightest.
but that doesn't stop you from overthinking it as Seungkwan sighs loudly behind you. you feel a sense of deja vu as he waits for you on your bed, though this time you are not attending the party in hopes of catching Joshua's attention.
much has changed, you realize. you figure any change is a good change, even if your feelings for Joshua were still there.
"Let's go?" you ask with a cheery smile. Seungkwan nods before getting up and shrugging his jacket on. the two of you arrive somewhat late; a consequence of you taking time to get ready.
the moment you walk into the house you are reminded why you dislike parties, until Seungkwan grabs your hand and you relax. you look around, though before you are able to find a familiar face you feel Seungkwan pull you aside. you look up once you are out of the crowd, finding your friends.. and Joshua. you suppose you should consider him part of your friends now, but he was always going to be a little different to you.
"Y/n! Seungkwan! Where have you guys been?" Soonyoung yells, and Seungkwan responds with a shake of his head as he points his finger at you.
you giggle unapologetically, "My bad!"
the rest of them begin to make conversation, before you feel someone stand next to you causing you to look up. you find Joshua, clad in a white button-up and black pants. his sleeves are rolled to his elbow, and you struggle not to ogle his hands.
he smiles, "You look good."
you look down at your outfit abashed, smiling back as you sigh softly, "Thanks, you too."
Joshua opens his mouth, but before he can speak, someone calls your name.
"Y/n?"
you look behind Joshua, finding Hongjoong. "Oh! Hongjoong, hi!"
he walks closer to you, looking at your outfit from head to toe with a small grin, "I've been looking for you. You look gorgeous tonight."
the rest of your friends sit silent, including Joshua who stands off to the side with his arms crossed. you shift nervously as all attention is on you.
"Let's get a drink?" Hongjoong suggests. your eyes dart to Joshua's, finding that he looks rather annoyed. you know you need to get over him, however, so you accept as Hongjoong takes your hand in his, whisking you off to another room.
"What the fuck was that?" Jihoon asks once you’re gone, and the rest of them shrug in response.
Seungkwan takes a sip of Minghao's drink, ignoring his friends' incredulous expression as he responds, "They've been texting, so it makes sense that he'd wanna see her tonight. Sucks for Joshua but looks like my little Y/n has moved on."
Joshua glares at Seungkwan before his eyes find you, across the room, drink in your hand and Hongjoong by your side. that should be him, beside you.
but then he remembers the last time you were here, and knows he has no one but himself to blame.
"I'm going to get a drink," Joshua announces, stalking off before he gets a reply.
Jihoon sighs once Joshua is gone, "Seriously, Seungkwan?"
"What?" Seungkwan pouts.
ꕥ
the rest of the night goes by fast; you enjoy your time with Hongjoong, finding his personality and yours mesh well.
but you can’t shake off the feeling that you don’t see him romantically. perhaps it is your unresolved feelings for Joshua, but you know you can’t lead him on much longer. you’ve tried to move on, but involving another person was not something you wished to do.
it’s almost 12:00am, and your feet are beginning to hurt so you tell Hongjoong you’re going to leave. he moves to hug you, arms wrapping around you tightly as you hug him back.
but once you part, he pauses. he stares at your face, and you stare back up at him. your eyes are wide as he leans closer, and you know he is about to kiss you. you know you need to reject him, and reject him now.
but before you can, you feel someone grab your arm and you are ripped away from Hongjoong’s embrace.
you blanch, looking up at- Joshua.
he looks annoyed, smile nowhere to be seen as he stands tall. he glances at Hongjoong, “We should get going, you’ll see each other another day!”
you hear Hongjoong yell “What the fuck?!” as Joshua tugs you down the hall and into a room.
you follow, too stumped to pause and ask him what the hell he was doing. he shuts the door, finally letting go of you as you look up at him as though he is crazy.
“What the fuck, Joshua?”
you look around, finding yourself in the same room you were in when you overheard Joshua on that night.
he stands off to the side, silent once again but you aren’t having it this time.
“No, you need to say something, Joshua. That was so disrespectful to Hongjoong-”
“Please, enough about Hongjoong.” he interrupts.
you scoff, “Is that what this is about? You always seemed weird when I talked about him but I don’t understand why. You can’t just hate him for no reason.”
you feel your hands shake beside you as you question Joshua, unsure and angered that he would do something so rude in front of someone you considered a friend. because even if you didn’t like Hongjoong romantically, he was someone you cherished as a person.
Joshua sighs, “I have my reasons.”
you roll your eyes at him, “Care to elaborate? That’s not enough to justify your behavior back there.”
Joshua is silent once again. you observe the way he fiddles with his sleeves; he looks almost nervous, and you feel yourself calm down at the notion.
“Is something wrong? Did I do something? Or did he do something?”
Joshua shakes his head firmly, “It’s not you. And it’s not him either. Well, it’s kind of you, but also me.”
you’re at a complete loss now, “Please, just explain Joshua.”
the silence is deafening. the loud music blares through the door behind you, muffled lyrics that you can’t bring yourself to decipher as you stare at Joshua across the room. what could possibly be so important that he had to interrupt your goodbye with Hongjoong? especially in the manner he did it? you are completely confused.
Joshua sighs, glancing at the floor before staring directly at you. your heart jumps as your eyes meet.
“I like you. I have feelings for you.”
your breath comes to a halt and your hands shake once more, this time for a reason other than anger.
“What do you…”
he sighs, ruffling his hands through his hair. “I started liking you somewhere along the way after that night at the park. I should’ve done things differently.”
your lips part at his confession.
“I should have never avoided you, I should have apologized as soon as you heard me. And I shouldn’t have ruined your chances with Hongjoong back there.”
he looks sulky and annoyed, “But he was going to kiss you! And I hadn’t even gotten to confess. I know it’s unfair, but I couldn’t have let him have the chance to kiss you before I told you how I felt. I’m sorry.”
he’s out of breath by the end of his apology, and you find yourself utterly stumped at the confession. of all things, you were not expecting the man you have been chasing for a year to suddenly confess.
but before anything else, you needed to clarify things. “Joshua, I wasn’t going to kiss him.”
his brows furrow, “Yes you were, he was leaning closer to kiss you, Y/n.”
you huff out a laugh at the anger coating his words, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to kiss him.”
“Oh…” he mumbles. “So you don’t like him then?”
you shake your head with a shy smile, “No, actually. There’s this other guy I’ve been interested in for a while now.”
Joshua perks up, “Oh really? Do I know him by any chance?”
he takes slow steps towards you, hand darting out to gently grasp yours, fingers intertwining as he squeezes softly. you stare into his brown irises,
“Hmm.. dunno. You may have met once or twice.”
Joshua leans closer, breath fanning your face as he bends down. “Just to be clear, we are talking about me, right?” he asks lowly.
you tilt your head up, rolling your eyes with a smile, “Yes, doofus. Who else would I be talking about?”
he frowns, “Well, you could’ve easily been talking about Hongjoong, since-”
you roll your eyes once more before grabbing his face and pulling him towards you. you interrupt his rambling, “I’m going to kiss you, so if you want to run away, now is the chance.”
“Like I’d run away after pining after you for so long,” he scoffs, leaning in and capturing your lips with his.
his lips feel soft against yours, moving slowly as you push forward, deepening the kiss as your hands shake. his left arm moves to wrap around your waist as his right one tilts your head up, maneuvering you into the perfect position. you know you need air but Joshua’s lips make you delirious.
“Jisoo.” you pant, breaking away.
he presses another kiss to your lips, “Mm?”
your hands push gently at his chest, “That was great, but I need air.”
he smiles at your comment, pearly teeth coming into view. he tucks a lock of hair behind your ear, “Whatever my girl wants.”
your chest warms at his words as you push him away with another roll of your eyes. he laughs softly at the action, only pulling you closer as he pecks your temple.
ꕥ
“So, what did you end up telling Hongjoong?” Seungkwan asks, eyes wide and lips parted curiously.
you sigh, “I just told him I was interested in someone else and that I was sorry. He was really sweet about it and promised we’d stay friends.”
Minghao exhales, shaking his head, “Wow. What a nice guy. You sure you didn’t make the wrong choice, Y/n?”
Joshua tugs you into his embrace tighter as he glares at Minghao, “Haven’t I learned my lesson already?”
Minghao sticks his tongue out at him in response causing you to shake your head with a laugh.
Hansol snorts across the room, “Children, I tell you.”
the rest of them begin bickering with one another as you sink into Joshua’s embrace. so perhaps happy endings did exist, even for someone like you. the love and care you so desperately craved from Joshua seemed like a wishful dream, only coming true when you had truly given up.
but you appreciate the journey that led you to where you are now. with a new friend; Hongjoong, and a closer bond with your current friends who made mistakes and made it up to you, you know happiness is not a mere myth.
as Joshua wraps his arms around you and places his chin above your shoulder, you smile at the scene of your friends surrounding you. everything you’ve ever needed was right there.
Extra:
“What did you want to talk about, Jisoo?” Juyeon asks distractedly, the soft sound of pages turning echoing through the phone.
you are seated beside Joshua, hand in his as his other one holds up his phone to his ear. you squeeze once, shooting him a reassuring smile as he smiles shakily back.
“I’m not taking over the company.”
the sound of ruffling papers pauses, a deafening silence comes before his brothers low voice asks, “What?”
Joshua sits up straight. “I’m not taking over the company. I don’t want to.”
“Have you forgotten why you must take over the company? It’s your responsibility! You cannot just refuse!” his brothers' voice sends shivers down his spine; a result of the exhausting power dynamic that has always existed between the two. but Joshua was done with that life, he was done playing the quiet little brother who did everything Juyeon asked for.
a glance at your encouraging face has his heart seizing up. he could do this, if not for himself then for you.
Joshua sighs quietly, “I’m paying for my own tuition, so I’ll choose what I want to study. I’m done with the company, and I’m done with you, Juyeon.”
“That is not your decision to make, Jisoo!” Juyeon shouts, voice so loud your eyes widen as you hear it. Joshua squeezes your hand to let you know he’s okay. he wishes things could have been different.
“Actually, it is. You hold no power over me. I don’t want to hear from you unless it’s an apology. I’ll talk to you some other time, Juyeon-hyung. I hope you grow into a better person and become a better brother. As much as I wish things didn’t have to be this way, I know they have to be for now.”
his voice begins to tremble as he sucks in a deep breath, “Goodbye, Hyung.”
he removes the phone from his ear, finger pressing the end button even as he continues to hear Juyeon yell.
Joshua sighs, placing his phone face down on the couch beside him.
“How was it?” you ask, though you already know the answer. Joshua smiles, somewhat forced as he collapses into your arms.
he inhales softly, “I just need my Y/n hugs and I’ll be okay.”
you run a hand through his hair as you kiss the top of his head, “Sure, that and Y/n’s food. Don’t think you’re getting away with sleeping and not eating dinner.”
he groans and picks his head up, lip jut out as you kiss his pout away. “No pouting, eat and then sleep! I’ll be here the whole time.”
he drops his head on your chest, snuggling back into you, “Yeah, that’s the best part.”
you smile down and peck his head once more. you truly were so lucky.
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