Yesha

Selenophile

[yeshasanjuan]

I know I’m not the only one… most of us are tired too. It’s exhausting to live a life waking up each morning, work hard to earn money, and just survive every paycheck to settle all the bills. We were taught to accept that this is how life is supposed to be, and we would often be condemned if we wanted more. That “you should be grateful” despite the fact that you can’t fight what you’re truly feeling when you no longer find motivation and inspiration to do the things you were assigned to do.

It’s fascinating and saddening at the same time to realize that at this very same second, most of us have dreams that might never come true and we have to master the art of survival instead.

Then people who depend on us expect us to be strong or emotionless, without shedding a single tear when we just want to break down and pause to rest. We are forced to keep silent when everything is too overwhelming.

All I can do is to write these words, hoping that something will change. That maybe someday, I might find myself in a place that was meant for me to chase after the happiness I deserve. All I can do is to bleed through poetry, music, art, and the idea that there are people like the person reading this who share the same pain and struggles as I do.

I’m hoping that there’s more to this life that I am worthy of having.

—Ivette Caburnay

Screenshots from My Liberation Notes (Netflix)

[yeshasanjuan]

I am 29.

Still single. Still living with my parents*. Still trying to figure out life.

Isn’t it crazy that at this age, many of our parents were already getting married, more so bringing us to this world?

On the flip side, today, many of us are still struggling to get a hold of ourselves in our late 20s.

Forget getting married or buying a house by 30. I am blessed if I can take care of myself already!

(*Don't get me wrong, it's a real blessing)

--

This post reflects my deepest struggle as I am getting closer to 3️⃣0️⃣.

For the longest of time, I find it extremely hard to express my fears & worries in words.

Why?

Because by the norms, the age '30' is such a unique milestone of life.

Getting married. Buying your first property. Being financially stable & well-paid. Having all the answers.

Be it from the norms, social media, or ourselves, I am sure many of us are carrying some form of expectations as we transition towards 30.

--

While this may not resonate with everyone, I want to share how I feel as I am getting closer to 30.

In the most direct way possible:

(1) I feel that I am losing out in life.

Many of my peers are getting married, buying their first house and/or car etc.

Look at me, what am I doing here being single, and not achieving anything significant in life so far?

.

(2) I have never felt so uncertain before.

What if I picked the wrong career path? What if I fail in my pursuit, and have to start all over again at/after 30?

Can I compete with the younger lads by then?

.

(3) I feel angry.

Why, after putting so much time and effort in my work, I am still not achieving anything significant in life?

Am I missing something? How much more do I have to do before things start to turn in my favor?

.

(4) I want to do more.

But the more urge that I felt to do more, the less productive I’ve become.

.

(5) I have to make more.

No joke.

Getting married, buying a house and car, building a family – all of these require money.

How are my peers handling all these life commitments and finances at my age? HOW??

.

(6) I need more time.

SERIOUSLY. How are the people around me balancing their work, romantic relationship, family, hobbies, and health so well?

It seems like people are balancing life so well (on social media lah, at least).

.

(7) I am afraid.

Am I going to end my 20s just like this? Normal, insignificant?

--

To be honest, I do not have clear answers to any of my worries & fears above*.

And it's funny how I used to think I'd have all the answers and wisdom by this age.

For now, I do what I can within the scope of what I can control:

→ (i) Define what 'turning 30' means for myself.

Not what 'turning 30' means to my parents, some 'successful' influencers, or peers.

Just me. How I see myself by 30.

(*But it feels good to rant a bit!)

.

→ (ii) Cut my time on social media significantly. (except for work)

How others live their life has nothing to do with mine.

.

→ (iii) Work towards (i).

.

→ (iv) Learn to forgive myself (still learning!). Be grateful for every small or big progress in this journey.

--

"Remember that the minute you take your first step into the life of your dreams, the first to greet you there will be fear.

Nod. Keep walking."

--

Ccto

[yeshasanjuan]

I know I’m not the only one… most of us are tired too. It’s exhausting to live a life waking up each morning, work hard to earn money, and just survive every paycheck to settle all the bills. We were taught to accept that this is how life is supposed to be, and we would often be condemned if we wanted more. That “you should be grateful” despite the fact that you can’t fight what you’re truly feeling when you no longer find motivation and inspiration to do the things you were assigned to do.

It’s fascinating and saddening at the same time to realize that at this very same second, most of us have dreams that might never come true and we have to master the art of survival instead.

Then people who depend on us expect us to be strong or emotionless, without shedding a single tear when we just want to break down and pause to rest. We are forced to keep silent when everything is too overwhelming.

All I can do is to write these words, hoping that something will change. That maybe someday, I might find myself in a place that was meant for me to chase after the happiness I deserve. All I can do is to bleed through poetry, music, art, and the idea that there are people like the person reading this who share the same pain and struggles as I do.

I’m hoping that there’s more to this life that I am worthy of having.

—Ivette Caburnay

Screenshots from My Liberation Notes (Netflix)

[yeshasanjuan]

I guess not everyone is born a fighter, and that I'm too weak to even tell people what I really feel. But somehow, I hope they can see through the walls I had to build around me, the ones that I put up to save myself for once. I hope the people I love can hear the silent cries behind my straight face, the constant longing for the simple, beautiful things, like warm hugs. I wish they know that inside this armor is someone who just wants to be heard. Understood. That there are days when I just don't want to fight battles anymore, and a thousand nights when I crave for free love because I don't think I have anything left to give.

I hope they know.

—jmp

[yeshasanjuan]

Hindi mo lang siguro naikukuwento, pero—

puno na ng lungkot ang ‘yong puso. Umaapaw ito ng hinanakit at panlulumo. Tumatagas ang pagkadismaya, umaagos ang pangungulila. Gusto nitong magwala— kumawala, ngunit wala, para itong nawawala.

Hindi mo makapa. Mayroong kaba na nagpapanggap na kalma. Mayroong nginig na nagkukubling pintig. Hindi mo maramdaman ang tunay na kapayapaan. Gusto mo sanang mapakinggan, pero marahan kang pinipigilan—

ng hiya, ng takot, ng panliliit sa sarili. Pinalaki ka kasing matiisin at mapagkunwari. Hindi ka marunong magsabi. Hindi ka marunong manisi. Kaya’t kahit sa pinakamadilim mong bahagi, pipilitin mo pa ring ngumiti.

Ngunit alam ko.

Ramdam ko.

Hindi mo lang siguro naikukuwento,

pero naiisipan mo na ring sumuko.

—

Cc. Ron Canimo

[yeshasanjuan]

[yeshasanjuan]

...

Dear self,

I apologize for the times you forced yourself to talk to people you weren't comfortable with, or for the times you had to cut off your sound sleep and drag yourself to the job you never really enjoyed. Sorry for the times you overdosed yourself with caffeine to keep you awake at night to finish rushed things or for the times you stopped spending enough time fixing yourself in the mirror because you're running late.

Sorry for the countless yawns on Sunday masses when you preferred silent sincere prayers on your bed just because someone 'you can't say no' invited you and for the times you repressed your opinions because you know it won't make a difference if you let it out.

Sorry for the times you involuntarily undergo transitions just because society demanded you to do so or the times you delayed your tears from crying because you're stuck in public of perfectionists. Sorry for covering your bruises with garments of pretension because you can't find a perfect pair of hands to repair them. I am sorry for waking up with the pressure of bending your bones with verbally memorized motivations. I apologize for driving on the wrong side of life because everything happens in a fast-forward motion and you need to overtake to escape.

I am sorry for not giving you what you needed when all you ever wanted was to rest for a while. I am sorry for living this life in a wrong spin of fortune game where you see yourself exhausted over trying so hard to be at your best. Sorry for calling it a day when responsibilities were over. Sorry for calling it a day, when you never really wanted to start your mornings. Sorry for camouflaging on incorrect colors and staying stuck in a conversation you weren't really into. Sorry for being imprisoned in a circle of people you care less about enough to remember their names.

I am sorry for having too much to think about and feel. Hang in there, self. You'll get your luck someday.

Maybe soon, the pain will end, but please, never let pain end you.

[yeshasanjuan]

It's funny how we can still feel alone in this world full of people. I didn't believe that when I was younger. I don't exactly know when it happened, I guess I just realized one day that everyone got so busy to care. I looked around and everyone's just already invested in their own dreams, or pretty much just trying to catch up with the rest of the world. I wasn't ready. I suddenly felt alone.

It's not easy, but little by little, I learned to rely on myself. I learned to celebrate little victories on my own, to pat myself on the back when life rains on me. I taught myself to be appreciative of any help but also acknowledge the fact that, sure, the people I love are with me along the way, but at the end of the day, I'm all I got.

Sometimes, thinking about that makes me feel sad. But, whatever. The world doesn't give a fuck.

—

[yeshasanjuan]

[yeshasanjuan]

Sometimes, I blame my introverted self for not having a social life like others.

There's a big part of me that wished to have that kind of life too. For some reason, I want to be carefree and going all out like there is no tomorrow. Though I know myself that going out, parties, crowds and loud noises is really not my thing. And if I were to choose, I'd rather see myself locked in the room alone. But in that moment, it feels like I'm not living the best life for myself yet.

Somehow, I'm getting tired of being silent and the feeling of doesn't exist at all. I kind of feel guilty too about my extroverted self for not giving much satisfaction of life she deserved as introvert things sometimes ruin the fun. There are times I feel bad too, everytime I met familiar people in some events where I have to pretend not to saw. It's my way of not putting myself in awkward situation. That instead of panicking how should I greet first, much better not minding their presence at all. That's all what my introverted self believed and I hate it. But one thing is for sure, I am more than just an introvert.

Afterall, being an introvert is not that bad. Maybe, going out is fun, but surely, silence is peace.

-Frely

[yeshasanjuan]

Those little ones...

I spent most of my life trying to catch up with the world, not knowing where to go, always wondering if there really is a star out there shining just for me. It was the most tiring thing to do and eventually, I stopped trying. I stopped walking, and instead just looked around. Little by little, I realized that I'm not missing out in life—at least not on the things that matter. That I had just been so busy looking way past them. Yes, my life would be more colorful if some of my dreams came true, but the sky I see when I ride the train after the morning rush is just as blue as everybody else's. The sunsets are just as beautiful, and while I may not have a lot of people caring for me, when I'm with those who do, my heart swells up, too, like the biggest star in the galaxy.

It really is amazing, the things you see when you slow down. The blur, the jagged pieces of the puzzle, every tic of the clock and every bridge burned—they all suddenly make sense. You realize how life is not about the numbers, how it's not about a bunch of stranger's idea of success that makes it worth living. Instead, it's the happy moments we're here to experience, those little ones that make us feel like somehow, we shine, too.

—Jun Mark Patilan

// my self-published prose and poetry book, Rainy Days in December, has been restocked on Shopee PH. Get your copy here: https://shp.ee/q32fwqt

[yeshasanjuan]

Kung sana'y di sinanay.

Sanay siyang maglakad nang mag-isa,

Ngunit dumating ka—

Dinala mo siya sa mga lugar na hindi pa namamarkahan ng kanyang mga paa.

Naging paborito niya rin ang mga tanawing paborito mo.

Sanay siya sa mga libro,

Ngunit dumating ka—

Ipinakita mo sa kanya ang reyalidad na hindi pa niya nababasa.

Tinuruan mo siyang muling maniwala sa kuwento ng pag-ibig.

Sanay siya nang walang nag-aalala,

Ngunit dumating ka—

Nagsilbi kang kanyang mga paalala.

Hanggang sa hinahanap na niya ang iyong presensya't pangangamusta.

Sanay siyang matulog nang maaga ngunit dumating ka.

Kung kaya't naging dahilan ka ng kanyang pagpupuyat.

Inaraw-araw mo ang pagbati tuwing sasapit ang umaga't gabi—

Ipinadama mo sa kanya kung paano ang piliin palagi.

Sanay siyang mag-isa,

Ngunit dumating ka't sinanay mo siya,

At noong komportable na siya sa'yo—

Doon ka naman biglang naglaho.

Ccto.

[yeshasanjuan]

And as you grow up, you will lose people. You will find the ones you loved once distancing from you and you will stop talking to the ones you called your best friends. When you meet your old classmates in a reunion, they will tell you how much you have changed and it will be bittersweet. Maybe you will recognize the change within you or maybe you won't. The boundaries that you let people cross so easily before, they won't be able to cross it anymore. Your friends will tell you that it's not healthy drawing lines and putting a wall as if everyone is about to hurt you but walls are there to protect yourself, too. Sometimes, they are necessary. You will find your Mother complaining about how you have stopped listening to her just because you have your own opinions now. Your cousins won't like how you can't take a joke about yourself and the things you care about anymore, your ex won't appreciate the way you have broken contact with them and people will tell you often that they don't like the person you have become. I want to let you know that it's okay to let people think whatever they want to. When we are young and broken, we tend to let the world break us apart. For years, you have felt small and helpless. You have lived in the shadows of other people, walking on eggshells, trying not to upset anyone. Growing up is a difficult thing but it is also the bravest thing that you will ever do. Unlearning the patterns that were so deeply woven in you, losing the person that you were all this while and making space for a brand new version of you takes courage and unwavering discipline. None of them know how many nights you have trembled and cried, or how freeing you felt for the first time when you said 'no' to the things that made you uncomfortable. They don't know how good it makes you feel when you can speak your mind selfishly for the first time, or when you can show the parts of you that we hid so well because you were afraid that they won't be accepted and loved. Losing these people will bring you relief but it will also bring you some kind of grief. After all, they were the ones you once loved dearly and laughed with. They were the ones you looked forward to talking to. It's heartbreaking to realize that you lose just as easily as you love. So when you find yourself mourning their departure from your life, I want you to remember that this, too, is another part of growing up. Like every other thing that cannot be solely explained in words, all you need to do is to accept it even if you can't understand it now. Maybe, the people you lose during this process of healing and changing are only meant to stay with the older versions of you. Let this be your closure.

[yeshasanjuan]

I'm longing to find my feet in a foreign place. Where no one knows me. I'm going to start a new life, welcome a new environment and reap the benefits of being alone. Just for once I wanted to be free, empty my mind from destructive thoughts, toxic connections. Unload and escape myself from responsibilities and unreachable expectations. I'm craving to treat myself with sunset, stargazing, waves, rain, books and coffee. I hope this will not remain as a dream, all being well.

— MoonWrites

[yeshasanjuan]

"As you grow older, you will realize that you appreciate the silence, the privacy, the peace, the happiness, and tears. You will realize that acceptance is not something you get from everyone and it doesn't come from asking the world to approve you. Acceptance is something you dig within for it is solely coming from you—you possess it, you own it, and you name it.

Search for that peace in everything you do. Seize every moment, stay away from things that will rob your happiness, live a meaningful life and make the most out of it.

Allow peace, contentment, and happiness feed your soul—but the world doesn't necessarily have to know."

...

[yeshasanjuan]

Hello 2022

Every time we reach this day —the end of the year— we sit and wonder about the things we did wrong, the ways we disappointed ourselves, all our failures and setbacks. We nitpick our faults and make sure that we don't commit the same mistakes in the future. I hope that when this day ends, your errors aren't all that you remember. I hope you remember the days that were awfully heavy and you made it through anyway. I hope you remember the times when you picked yourself up and took care of your heart and body. I hope you remember the times when you felt hopeless but you didn't stop believing in yourself, even when it felt futile. I hope you remember those little steps of bravery you took despite your fear. I hope you take great pride in the small acts of kindness that you showed even when there was no one to witness it. For all the times, when you petted the animals and fed the birds and for all the times, when you made minor but important changes to become a better version of yourself— I hope you remember all of that, too. I hope that when you reach the end of the year, you take the lessons that the world taught you but you also remember to pat yourself for making it through every single day. You might feel like you are on the verge of collapsing but I assure you that it will turn out okay eventually. I hope that in the coming year you don't doubt yourself, you believe in all that you have become and all that you are becoming. I hope that you get braver and do things anyway even if you are trembling in fear. I hope you don't forget that you are more important than your flaws. This year, envision the you that you most enjoy, the you that you are happiest with. I hope you become that favourite version of yourself.

Love x.

[yeshasanjuan]

“At muli mang pagtapuin, alam ko na ang marapat gawin. Ang habulin ka, gamit lamang ang tingin.”

...