
@theartofmadeline

if i look back, i am lost

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@yesiamxini
The disrespect was so loud at the end that the memories lost all value.
Bolts of lightning. Electricity for everybody. 1907.
Internet Archive
How My BL Addiction Started…
While I was scrolling through Netflix one Sunday evening, looking for a random movie to fall asleep to, I came across a Japanese drama series that was trending on the app. I don’t usually go for these kinds of shows since I often find them a bit cringey, and I’ve never really watched Japanese dramas before. The only ones I’ve seen were anime back when I was younger.
But this series felt different. It followed a young woman struggling with her insecurities, especially when it came to expressing herself and dressing the way she wanted. She eventually meets a cross-dressing man who helps her learn how to do her makeup and style herself with confidence. What started as simple guidance slowly turned into something deeper, and before long, they found themselves falling for each other.
Since the series only released one episode per week, I couldn’t wait to see what would happen next. So I went searching for something similar and I actually found one. That’s when I ended up reading a manga for the first time ever. I got so hooked that I just kept wanting more of these kinds of stories.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything quite like it at first. But then, while scrolling through Netflix again, I stumbled upon a series called I Cannot Reach You. At first, I thought it was just another typical school or university drama little did I know, it was actually a BL series.
Yep, Boys’ Love. At the time, I had no idea what that even meant. I only learned about “BL” later on through TikTok.
And just like that, the addiction began.
I started watching BL during the last week of July 2025 and as of now, I’ve already watched more than 54 BL series.
Safe to say… I fell deep.
“Make yourself a priority. At the end of the day, you’re your longest commitment.”
— Unknown
Flowers everywhere
“No one will understand you. It is not, ultimately, that important. What is important is that you understand you.”
— Matt Haig, The Humans
The unsaid thoughts..
I never wanted to say what I’ve been feeling deep inside because I knew that if I did, I’d start crying. But I guess this is me finally saying goodbye to you after ten years.
How I wish I could turn back time and make the right decisions. How foolish I was to let you go. How careless I was to let you slip away from my heart.
This is my first and last letter to you. I know you’ll never read this because we haven’t seen or spoken to each other for years. I know you’re happy now—with your wife and your son—and I want you to know that I’m happy for you. I truly am. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer.
I just needed to finally say what I’ve been holding in. This is me letting go of my feelings for you. I want to erase every memory of you from my heart and soul. I want to stop thinking about all the “what ifs,” because I know it was my fault for letting you go. You will always be my “the one that got away,” and maybe I’ll always carry a bit of that regret. But I guess that’s life. Sometimes we make mistakes that shape us forever, and we learn from them the hard way. This was mine. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for the memories, for the love, and for every effort you once gave. I will always be grateful that I got the chance to meet you.
Goodbye. And I hope our paths never cross again.
And then suddenly your time is almost done. They say you only start to live when your one breathe away from dying. People often forget that every day we are given a chance to live, to try new things, to forgive the people who once hurt us, to live a life that we wanted and not worry about other people think. What 's the real meaning of living? What is life? Here I am on a random monday thinking all about these thoughts. Do we just wait until our last day here on earth? What's life after death? Do we finally meet God? If so, Will he hug us? Will he tell us that he'll take away all our suffering? Or do we meet the devil? Will he burn our souls for eternity? Or after death do we become nothing?
This.
Hi Beast Friend,
Happy Birthday!
I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how grateful I am to have you as a friend. I rarely write letters like this because you know how much I hate being emotional, but hey it’s your birthday and I wanted to give you something a little different.
I originally wanted to make a video showing our old and current pictures together, but then I realized I’d have to activate my Facebook just to dig up all our photos. And you already know how much I hate social media nowadays… so here we are instead with this long-ass letter.
I kept rewriting this letter not because I didn’t know what I was writing but because I wanted it to be more meaningful and thoughtful. It’s been years since I’ve written anything like this, and I wanted to make sure it truly came from the heart.
Also, I really hope you don’t get bored reading this, because I will seriously punch you in the head if you do. I put my heart into this, so you better read the whole thing. Hahaha.
The first time we met, we didn’t even like each other. In fact, we judged each other’s character just by how we looked. I honestly thought you were just one of those people who would simply pass by in my life. But little did I know that I had just met the person I would later call the greatest friend I could ever have.
Sometimes I ask myself what I would change about my past if I could turn back time. My answer is always the same: I would probably focus more on my studies in Liceo and graduate at the right time.
But then I realize something… if I had done that, I might have never met you.
And then I start imagining what my life would have been like if we had never crossed paths. Would I have survived being depressed? Would I have made it through all the anxiety I went through? Who would I have called whenever I felt alone?
At the time, you became more of a sister to me than my own biological sisters were. Even though our interests in life can be completely different, somehow we still managed to stay friends.
I guess God’s plan really does work in ways we don’t always understand even when it’s not what we originally wished for.
I will forever be grateful for that subject called Humanities 101, because without it we might have never met.
Thank you for standing up for me when everyone else chose to bully me. While others wanted to hurt me or see me fail, you were there reminding me that I could fight my own battles—with you by my side. Thank you for reminding me that I’m never truly alone on this earth, no matter how fragile I may feel sometimes.
No friendship is perfect, and ours is definitely no exception. We’ve had our struggles. We’ve had our ups and downs—even times when we didn’t talk for months. But even during those moments, I always knew that if I really needed you, you’d still be there.
Just one phone call away.
And that means more to me than you’ll probably ever realize.
I’ve always been unlucky in my love life, but when it comes to friendship, somehow I got incredibly lucky. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you, but I thank God every day that I have one.
You’re not just my best friend you’re literally my sister from a different universe.
I know we both cringe at emotional stuff like this, but I just want you to know how thankful and blessed I am to have you in my life.
I love you, Beast.
Happy Birthday to my not-so-chubby friend anymore.
I’ll always be right here for you through thick and thin.
But before I end this letter, let me set one boundary as your loving best friend.
As much as I love you, please stop asking me when I’m getting married or if I plan on having children. I don’t even like children—let alone want them in my life. So the next time you ask me that question again, I might have to lovingly punch your face.
Kidding…
…or maybe not.
Don’t test me. 🙂
Love you always,
Xini
Under the shade
I haven't been myself for the longest time now, I tried to bring back the old me but I always end up loosing my path to remembering who I was as a person, as a daughter, as a friend or even as a human being. I am physically
Lately......
may the rest of this year be softer