Ying Ying St. Clair

Thank you for the picture, @mohzt.

[yingying-stclair-blog]

This song just… says it all. When I die, at least my spirit will live in Lena. At least the tiger spirit will not die.

Sometimes we must grow stronger and You can be stronger when I'm gone When I’m here, no longer You must be stronger and If I could be with you tonight I would sing you to sleep Never let them take the light behind your eyes I failed and lost this fight Never fade in the dark Just remember you will always burn as bright

[yingying-stclair-blog]

you were ungrateful both in your childhood and towards Saint. he gave you tokens of love, and you have the nerve to call them worthless trinkets?

I always accepted these gifts graciously. When he courted me, I was simply a ghost of my previous self. I wasn’t capable of loving him like another human.

[yingying-stclair-blog]

You are too pliant, too weak. Your mother named you Ying-ying, Clear Reflection, and that seems like more of a curse than a blessing, as you ended up reflecting everything everyone else did to you, with no resistance, and no attempt to change the image. And it seems as if Lena is a reflection of you as well. Both of you are lost- one in her marriage, and one in her own world. I sympathise with you, really.

Who would’ve known that my name would be a curse on Lena and on myself? My mother loved me and I am like her; I love Lena. A mother does things out of love for her daughter, but maybe if my mother could see things before they happened too, she would not have called me Ying Ying.

[yingying-stclair-blog]

my first impression of you was muddled, honestly, because I couldn't understand where you were coming from- what with the losing yourself and Moon Lady and wishes granted that could not be trusted. Honestly, you weren't so bad back then. But when you were a child, you were horribly ungrateful and unaware of all the riches that surrounded you, and the comfort you live in. I guess I can't blame you. Your mother didn't slap you just like how you didn't slap Lena for disrespect.

I was raised in riches. Silk rugs and jewels. Rare bowls and carved ivory. Treasured unimaginable. It was normal for me, and I was never told of my privilege

[yingying-stclair-blog]

Suyuan used to say that you were hard of listening, not hearing, and even Jing-mei said that you have always been that weird auntie. I'm not sure about the listening part, but maybe if you had listened to yourself and seen what's best for you, you wouldn't have been so lost. You are a walking example of lost opportunities and regretful decisions.

I was always lost in my own world, yes. What you said was true. But I lament too much as it is, and I think of my regrets more than you do. When you lose so much of yourself, there comes a point where you do not even know who you are, so you wander about, lost, in a world of your own.

[cordonbleuuu]

[yingying-stclair-blog]

“For woman is yin, the darkness within, where untempered passions lie. And man is yang, bright truth lighting our minds.” I am just like Chang-O; we both lost the world, with no way to get it back. 

I was once lost, and then found, but was never the same little girl again. 

Now I found my past, but I am still unseen and unheard. I have effaced myself, and even Lena cannot find me. 

[rockandrollgarage]

“It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi

Crush (2000)

[yingying-stclair-blog]

My fierceness will come back, my golden side, my black side. 

I will win when my daughter and I fight, the way two tigers would, and give her my spirit. 

I will leave this world after leaving Lena my spirit.

The daughter of a ghost will live while she’s alive.

It’s my life

It’s now or never

I ain’t gonna live forever

[yingying-stclair-blog]

...

[light-signs]

[yingying-stclair-blog]

Those closed lips... My closed lips, just in case any of my “selfish desires”, as Amah would refer to one's wishes as, fall out. Amah once said, secret wishes are what one can want but not ask. And that, has made me so quiet. So quiet even my daughter Lena is unable to hear me. 

[lightfeathers-stiffboards]

[yingying-stclair-blog]

Not quite the Moon Lady I met when I was 4, but this art piece brings back a lot of memories. An illusion. A wish granted that could not be trusted. Many years down the road, and it’s still the same. My wish of being found? Not quite fulfilled either. 

[yingying-stclair-blog]

12am thoughts.

Sitting in bed and thinking a lot. I think, I'm already regretting it. I have always known things before it happened. From my husband's death, to the small things like Lena's table. I couldn't, or rather, I chose not to stop them. Maybe things would be different if I had tried. 

[yingying-stclair-blog]

I looked at myself in the mirror today and I can still see that my skin is smooth and my figure just like a girl’s but there are deep lines in my mouth where I used to wear smiles.

[wordsnquotes]

But it didn’t break me. Nothing can break me unless I let it.

Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl (via wordsnquotes)

When I was a young girl growing up in Wushi, I was lihai, nothing could break me... Now, I look like a small old lady even to Lena, but I know I still have that tiger spirit in me.

[wordsnquotes]

Still, the longer I was around her, the more I could see the colours of her mind and the recesses of her heart. There was a beast in there. But there was also a girl who was afraid of being a beast, and who wondered if other people had beasts in their hearts too. There was strength, and there was also just the determination to look strong. She guarded herself like a secret.

Jodi Lynn Anderson, Tiger Lily (via wordsnquotes)

This really got me thinking, am I a beast? Or am I just afraid to be the beast I truly am? Colours of my mind, perhaps the black and gold sides my mother told me, oh so long ago. Tiger spirit, they say. 

[yingying-stclair-blog]

you are selfless, too! I admire you for your dedication and love for your daughter, and your willingness to bear pain for her.

The train of compliments is touching. Thank you. I need Lena to know that we are lost, she and I, unseen and not seeing, unheard and not hearing, unknown by others. I need to help her see that she has the power to turn things around, and stop bad things from happening.

[yingying-stclair-blog]

I feel that you love deeply and it comes across as a sort of sacrificial love (especially for Lena, as you do not hesitate to relive your painful past in a bid to give her strength and bravery). I'm sure you have feelings for St. Clair, and it is because of your troubled past that you did not love him fully.

…Thank you. I love my daughter. And you are right. Now Saint is a ghost. He and I can now love equally. 

[yingying-stclair-blog]

you are a really loving person!

Thank you, but I do not think so. I aborted my the bad man’s child as I was full of hatred. My body flowed with terrible revenge as the juices of this man’s firstborn son poured from me. I killed a baby because I hated his father. This is not loving. I can only love Lena and Saint.