My Lil Secret Poetry Blog

[ymousanonblog-blog]

It'll Just Be Fine

Whatever it is you want to do

Whatever it is you need to do

Whatever it is you choose to do

It'll just be fine

It'll all just be fine

You'll wake up again

You'll smile again

You'll laugh again

You'll love again

And it'll just be fine

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Familiar

I was already angry

When I got to you

You calmed me down

As I laid on your chest

And heard that familiar

Uneven heartbeat

I felt your skin

Warm and soft

Just like it always was

I ran my fingers through your hair

Just like I used to

But the man who fucked me

Isn't a man that I know

The man who used me

Wasn't familiar

And it hurt me

You hurt me

Though that should be familiar

It'll always be new to me

Because I will always trust

That familiar, uneven heartbeat

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Alone

For the first time in a long time

I see myself in the mirror

And I’m not happy with what I see

Even through all the sadness and anger 

That I’ve felt recently

I’ve loved myself

But today I don’t love myself

Today I look as broken as I feel

My eyes are sad and tired

My mouth can’t fake that smile

My laughter is forced

And I can feel it

The hollowness in my chest

That I’ve worked so hard to fill

Just keeps spreading

I do as I’m told

And I’m vulnerable with people

That don’t need to see me that way

That don’t want to see me that way

I’m desperate for acceptance

But I get shot down

Each and every time

I am alone

I know that now

And I hate myself for it

[ymousanonblog-blog]

An Open Letter To My Rapist

I want to start by saying I hate that word

Rape

It feels like I’m coughing up razor blades every time I say it

That’s because of you

A lot of things that hurt me are because of you

And I don’t want this to be a thing that defines me

I don’t want it to be my label

The rape victim

But I guess we don’t get to choose our labels

Anyways

You took something from me

You took away my control

Physical control

You almost took my mental and emotional control

But I won’t let anybody do that to me

And I know you only did what you did because someone took that control from you

You were hurt, you told me so

What you did to me was not ok

And I don’t understand why you chose to rape me

But I know that I don’t need to

And I know that it was never really about me

So as hard as it is

And as much as I still hate you

I do forgive you

Even with no apology

I don’t need one

I forgive you

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Streaming the Consciousness

I started therapy last week and I didn’t want to do that whole introductory bullshit session so I was basically like “Well when I was born...” and gave this woman as much of my life story as I could in an hour

We talked about my parents, abusive partners, my rape, shitty friends, every boyfriend I’ve ever had, drug use, homelessness, being a teen mom, etc.

It was a lot, and obviously, we didn’t get too ~emotional~ because it was mostly just a rundown of “here’s the shit that’s fucked me up, this is the shit I wanna fix.”

So yesterday’s session was more of the “so you mentioned this, how do you feel about that?”

And when she asked about my abuse and rape I told her, “I don’t take it personally. Those men didn’t hurt me because of something I did and I don’t think they were trying to hurt me specifically. I think they were fucked in the head, just like I was. And I think they had their own shit to deal with and they used vulnerable young women to cope or make themselves feel better.”

She asked me if I judged myself and I said, “I judge certain parts of myself that I know I can be better at but the parts that I'm also choosing to not do anything about. Like I could probably manage my money better, I could probably spend more time with my son, I could probably try harder at my job. But I know I can’t give 100% in everything so I think I’m doing relatively well. I’m good at judging something then letting myself know it’s ok not to be perfect.”

When she asked me if I was a confident person I laughed and told her “Yeah, I’m actually probably too confident. I really like myself and I had to work really hard for that so I’m not afraid to tell people about it. I love my personality, even though it’s flawed and abrasive. I love my body, my face, my hair, everything that I am physically even though I can point out everything wrong with me. I love my voice even if it’s not super flattering and I love my laugh even though it’s annoying as shit. I’m a very take-it-or-leave-it type of person and some people don’t like me but I think a lot of people do. Plus, I don’t really care about too many people’s opinion.”

That’s when she said, “You’re not giving me a lot to work with here.”

I laughed and said, “Yeah, but something just feels off. Or at least it did. I do feel ok now but what if it happens again? And why did I get that way anyway?”

She said “You got sad. Maybe really sad. I think you don’t let yourself get vulnerable or you just aren’t a very vulnerable person. And I think you got vulnerable. It made you uncomfortable, so you panicked. But you’re not sad anymore. So I don’t think there’s a lot I can do for you now because you seem to be doing just fine. If it happens again you are more than welcome to set an appointment.”

So I got kicked out of therapy for not being depressed enough.

Go figure.

[ymousanonblog-blog]

FUCK THIS DAY

Fuck these people

Fuck these places

Fuck these things

Fuck every single noun that ever existed

Fuck him

Fuck her

Fuck you

Fuck me

JUST FUCK THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING DAY

JUST

FUCK

IT

ALL

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Twitching

My eyelid has been twitching for 4 days now

I rub it and tug at it and it doesn’t stop

Off and on, twitching like a little worm lives inside there

Maybe some crazy bug laid its eggs in there

Google told me it could be stress, fatigue, “or” too much caffeine

“OR”

I am in a constant state of panic

I don’t sleep anymore

And I drink about 6 cups of coffee throughout the day balanced with one huge ass water bottle that I don’t finish

Their skeletons are in the passenger seat of my car

For breakfast, I drink coffee

For lunch, I drink water with my coffee

And for dinner, I have a glass of wine

I eat a bag of cheez-its or fruit snacks that I keep at my desk

And I chew on some gum after chain-smoking cigarettes on my breaks

And now my eyelid has been twitching for 4 days

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Returned

Picked from the shelf

A used little library book

Read my covers

Judge me by them

Check me out

Take me home

Open me up

Fold my edges to mark your place

Water spots and coffee stains

Blurring my favorite lines

Tears from the previous readers

Who turned my pages too hard

Read me word for word

Set me on your coffee table

Left to collect dust

Until I’m overdue

And you finally remember to return me

So I can get picked from the shelf by the next person

Who wants a used little library book

[ymousanonblog-blog]

DISCLAIMER: This is not a poem

 So I started this blog with the intention of it sort of being a “stream of consciousness” blog.

For those who don’t know, stream of consciousness writing is essentially just dedicating a time to unleash all of your thoughts from the day or week or whatever onto paper. It’s a really good way to address the small stresses of your day that you don’t really have time to tend to and it’s a good way to work through some things that are taking up too much space in your mind.

I really enjoy it because throughout the day when I get an intrusive thought or I’m feeling anxious about something, I know I can push it to the side because I have dedicated time to address it later.

I started a journal and it was really soothing to write everything down, but I really wanted to be able to sort of re-read and edit it all because I’m a bit of a perfectionist. Which is the complete opposite point of using this method but to each their own, it makes me happy, suck it.

So I wrote it all in my journal and I was dying inside because my handwriting is absolute trash and one of my biggest pet peeves is smeared ink and scratch-outs. Like a messy page of writing could probably give me a heart attack. So while it was soothing to unleash (the point), it was not soothing to see the aftermath (is that symbolism?)

So I started just typing it all out on my laptop because I can type as fast as my brain thinks and I can go back to clean up the errors later.

There were some that read really well to me and I thought might actually be good to share with other people who may be struggling with self-expression or emotional release, and because I like validation.

That’s when I decided to start a blog to post some of my shit on, and I decided I’d keep it anonymous because I don’t want everyone (or anyone really) in my real life to know all the shit I think about on a day to day basis.

Ya girl has an appearance to keep up.

And it was fun, it felt good to just type out all my shit like this.

And I didn’t really expect anyone to read it because these things are like pages long and you don’t even know me so what the fuck do you care that like birds shat on my car today at work and I had to go get a car wash.

It wasn’t really supposed to be anything crazy, just kind of like when you sort of summarize your day to your partner at the end of the day and it doesn’t matter if it’s an interesting story or just something like “I ate a hard boiled egg on my break today, it was gross”

Now if you’re reading this, you may or may not have seen this rest of my blog, and you may or may not have noticed it’s now labeled a poetry blog because I started writing poetry and that became so much fun that I made this blog exclusively poetry.

So the transition between my stream of consciousness writing and my poetry was made because I got a lil lost in a depressive rut for I’d say like a solid month.

I’m out of it now, back to my crazy manic whatever self.

So that’s great.

But to get a better feel for what I mean, I would describe the inside of my mind as this 90% of the time:

Everything is just moving a mile a minute and it’s all relatively smooth as long as you don’t stop in the middle to ask “What the fuck is going on?”

And ya know, sometimes you get a thought or multiple thoughts, whether it be anxieties, memories of some bad shit, or just sad weird shit, and those thoughts are like the person who stops in the middle of that intersection and says “What the fuck is going on?”

And you can say “Hey pal, not a good idea to stop here, just keep going. There’s a landfill up ahead where you can just throw yourself and you’ll get sorted out.” (i.e. tumblr) and most of the time they’ll just be like “Oh, yeah, you’re right, this is not a good place to stop.” And keep going. But sometimes they like to be little assholes like “I’ll stop wherever the god damn fuck I please thankyouverymuch.”

And then you go on this weird depressive spiral where you drink too much, stop sleeping, stop eating and start writing weird poetry.

So I started writing weird poetry and I liked it a lot and I was banging out like a shit ton of poems, the juices were just flowing and it felt good to get it all out.

Now here’s why I stopped doing stream of consciousness writing: I stopped being anonymous. I shared my blog with just one person. A person who doesn’t give a shit at all about it and is never gonna read any of the shit that gets posted on it again so who even gives a shit, right?

But before I shared it with this person I did some housekeeping and cleaned some shit out. Which I know, fuck that, fuck me, fuck him, fucking gross, whatever, there’s just some shit I didn’t want anyone to know about me. You know me, but you don’t need to know that, and if you know that, you don’t need to know me.

Like, for example, I had a 4-page long entry about my rape and sexual abuse. Very detailed, very graphic, very not something I need someone I see on a day to day basis knowing about me. Because I’ve told people about it and they don’t treat you the same. They just don’t. So no one needs to fucking know because I don’t need your fucking pity party or judgment.

But anyways.

I feel better now. I started therapy. And I don’t feel like I want to just curl up into a ball and hide anymore.

I kept a copy of everything.

And I might post it all again. Or I might take the whole damn thing down and just keep it all saved in a word doc on my desktop. I don’t know, I don’t care. I’m just streaming my consciousness.

Because no one is going to read my 1,000-word essay on why I started a poetry blog anyways.

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Conviction

I’m a little drunk

So I’m spilling my guts

I don’t care what you think

But not in the way that you think

I care about you

And I care about your opinion

And I care about how you feel

More than I wanted to

Probably more than you wanted me to

Maybe you’ll read this

Maybe you won’t

Maybe you’ll think I’m dumb

But here I am

I’m not censoring myself

I’m not hiding myself

Just like you taught me to

And I want you to know

That I’m alright

Whatever it is that I’m going through

I feel at peace

And I don’t know if you give a shit

And I guess it doesn’t matter if you do

Because whether you meant to or not

You helped me get through a lot

And you’ve been a roller coaster

That I don’t want to get off of

You’ve brought me up

You’ve brought me down

And maybe I was just a game for you

A game you played once and decided not to keep on your shelf

One in

One out

Which sucks

Because I have a problem with vulnerability

And you made me vulnerable

I’ve shared things with you

That I haven’t easily shared with others

But you helped me realize

That I shouldn’t hide behind anonymity

I am a broken, fragile little girl

Who turns my pain into anger

And I use that anger to cut at people that I‘m not mad at

Because I don’t want to get hurt again

And you did hurt me

Just a little bit

Because you come in waves

And I’m drowning in them

Holding my breath, wishing I could be smooth enough to ride them out

Fearing that you're just trying to wash me away, back to the shore

Where I know I'll be safe

Where I can bask in the sun

The sun that’s as hot as the hot sauce you thought I’d get used to

Even though it just kept getting hotter and hotter

I don't want to get out of the water yet

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Different

This isn't your first time

And neither is it mine

But god damn does this feel different

Than anything I’ve had before

Does it feel different for you

Or is it just the same old song and dance

I want to read you like a book

But you’re all locked up

Please open up for me

I need to know

Does this feel different for you

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Dead

It's an interesting feeling

When you go from pain

To nothing

When it all weighs so heavy on you

Then suddenly

You can't feel a thing

All the colors of this world

Fade to black

And you almost miss it

The pain

Physical

Emotional

Mental

All of it

Flooding your senses

In hot, intense bursts

When your heart goes from pounding in your ears

To frozen in your chest

Feeling anything is better

Than feeling nothing once you're dead

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Let Her Go

When you see a girl

With blood underneath her fingernails

Bruises on her arms

Dirt on her knees

A scowl on her face

Do you ask her where she’s been

Or do you let her go

And hope that wherever she came from

She will never return

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Sucker

Played me like a fiddle

Set me down

Walked away

And left me craving the hands that held me

I called for you

You turned to me

Halfway out the door

I asked, “pick me up, play me again”

You bowed your head

And walked away

Maybe I expected too much

From a one hit wonder

Maybe I was a fool

But you made me a sucker

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Get Lost With Me

Your mind

Draws me to you

Like a moth to a porch lamp

Dying to get in

I wish you'd let me in

I want to swim through your thoughts

Exploring every deep dark corner that exists in you

I would kill to get lost in there

With you

Please

Get lost with me

[ymousanonblog-blog]

I Think I Would Have

Did I struggle?

I think I would have

What did I say?

Did I say no?

I think I would have

When you dragged me down the sidewalk

Did I ask where you were taking me?

I think I would have

When I heard you screaming

Naked

Sweaty

Did I tell you to stop?

I think I would have

A 16 year old girl high on pills that her friends stole from their mothers

Did you get what you wanted from me?

Did you take everything you could?

I think you did

And I'd like it back now

[ymousanonblog-blog]

Just Leave Us Alone

My flaws are not yours to fix

My mistakes are not made for you to manage

My vices are not yours to cure

Your judgement of me does not trump my judgement of myself

You micromanage everyone around you

You think they are incapable of healing themselves

Because you are "intelligent"

Because you are "experienced"

Because you think you've been through everything and you have the answers to all of life's questions

We're not asking for help

We're not looking for answers

We're not awaiting a savior

Just leave us alone