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@yogimathias
Not feeling well. I know I'm ok. But I don't feel ok. And I'm tired of these moments.
My brain gets stuck. My brain is stuck. Afraid of the end. And trying to compute the end, feels like trying to divide by zero. It physically hurts. The anxiety jumps. It hurts so much. And it can't get better. Not till completely exhausted and drained and feeling nothing.
I want to not be afraid. I want to share love and hope with as many as possible. Hugs.
Merry Christmas. You are loved.
I'm trying.
I got messaged by my ex recently. The one I was with when I made the post at the bottom. After years of silence. I wrote out all the things to try and process. I can share it here. First, the story of the relationship.
------After my marriage ended (story for another time), I ended up in a not so great relationship. Partially due to my inability to deal with being alone. Partially because my parents were encouraging me to leave.
So when I met someone who seemed good and welcoming I jumped at the chance.
I knew about her ex but I thought he was out of the picture entirely. After a couple weeks and one date we made plans for me to go stay there. When I arrived, I found out the ex was staying there because he was recently needed for transportation reasons and took that as an ok to stay. And my presence was described to him as "a friend with mental difficulties who needs a place to crash for a bit." She told me it was better than having everything out in the open and him being angry, because she has two kids there.
It took about two weeks of them fighting and such for him to finally leave. I was going through anxiety and panic attacks during because I didn't know what was going to happen or when. I just stayed on the couch most of the day.
After he left, I asked if I was going to moved into her room like we talked about, and she says let's wait a couple days for the kids and everything to feel calm and comfortable.
I had managed to get a job at Burger King by then. And one day after getting home from work, I saw there was a gym bag at the foot of her bed. I asked about it and she said a friend lost his apartment and need to crash for a week tops. And that to keep things simple he will crash in her room.
Reassured me he was just a friend and he will be gone soon. That week or so, turned into 3 months he was there. During that time, he was presented to others and family as "the boyfriend". Because her ex would sometimes come by to get some of his stuff and she said it was better to say the new guy was the boyfriend.
Also during this time, I noticed she was into certain things. Like taking her pain killers by crushing them up and sniffing them. She sent me on a shopping trip to go get supplies needed to take whip-hits.
And had me try them on occasion. And also one time she over did it and was unresponsive for almost a minute and I gave cpr to her and when she came to, she acted like everything was fine.
In an attempt to get all of her exes things out, she asked if I and Josh (the "boyfriend") if we could leave while he was there. This was in Maine in April. Still chilly. Turned into me staying out overnight on the street.
Then said that the ex won't leave. We can just crash in the basement. Which was unfinished. So dirt floor and my bed was a work bench. Was there for a week. She finally got him out, and applied for a protection from abuse from the court. She asked me to write a statement for it. I did.
And on the day of the hearing I find out minutes before I would have to go up and give verbal statement and be questioned by both parties. It was difficult. Putting it lightly. I had to lie, not mentioning why I lived there. Josh was publicly called her boyfriend.
The judge could tell I was having difficulty. And he actually believed me more than the other three people involved because he felt I had a perspective not based on a romantic connection. After that it got a little more quiet. But I was still this guy living on her couch. Who was convinced that I was love by her. Been with her intimately.
But all these signs say that she was with this other guy Josh. He slept in her room. He was convinced that they had a future together. My panic attacks were regular. I lost weight even working at Burger King and not doing anything all day.
Finally, after much help and direct assistance from an online friend, my dad came to get me. While taking my stuff out she came down and got loud. Saying it's not right. Things are ok. And as I was leaving she said "you can't understand because of your autism".
I got to my parents place. Got a job. On day two of my job I get a text from her. A picture of an ultrasound. Thankfully I had a moment of calm and I immediately sent it to two women friends of mine who are mothers. They could tell and told me that it wasn't current and not hers.
After that day, I had to set my own limit. No contact. Don't read or respond or message ever. She knew me too well and could manipulate information and hit all those spots in my head. ---------
Now for the first message. Came on Facebook.
------- Hey Matty
I’m sure you’d rather not here from me, but I need to apologize for what happened between us. You’re a good person and a even better friend. I was not in a good place last time we spoke or hung out. For that I am sorry and can’t apologize enough. I’ve changed as a person and I never want to be that person again. So I hope you’ll forgive me. I’m not a horrible person.. I just made a series of bad choices. I’m a firm believer that in life we all have to strive to become better people. My Father passed away last January and it’s put life in prospective for me. That’s why I’m leaving Maine to break away from the sickness of my family. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I’d like to try being friends again. Nothing fancy or fast... just friends.... I still care about you and probably always will. Please let me know and I’ll respect anything decision you make. Take care and remember to smile. ------
I didn't read it for about a day. Then I read it. So she then could tell i read it. And I actually considered responding after waiting maybe 3 days. My thought was that if she was genuine, she wouldn't need my response in order to do better as a person. I didn't have to think about it 3 says. About a day or so after reading it, I got the other message. For context, Taran is her son. He was 8 years old about when we were together.
------ No response hun... I’ll respect your wishes if you really don’t want anything to do with me, but I thought more of you then holding on to grudges. When you needed support I was there and excepted you for you. Even after I found out about the embezzlement. I just thought that out of anyone in this world you’d be the one person that could forgive. You have to admit Matt that we did have some fun while we were together. How did it feel when others found out about what you did and snubbed you because of a mistake? I’m just asking for a shot.... yes my life will go on without you, but that’s not what I wanted. I guess I was truly hoping that maybe you’d grown up some and didn’t feel the need for approval from others to be friends with someone. Taran still asks about you from time to time and I’m truly shocked that you of all people wouldn’t even give me a condolence for my father or my cousin Zack. Who both passed away. Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought. Such a shame, but you’ve obviously made up your mind. So I truly won’t contact you again. I know I’ve said this before. Unfortunately this time I mean it. I really did think more of you.
Good bye Matty and try not living with malice and hate in your heart. Take care...,,. --------
I want to be free of my anxiety. Doubt. Struggle. The stuff that she gave me.
*picture is a reminder I keep.
@$&#$!
Head hurts. Information too much. Not processing well. Head full. Just the moment, I know. But still. Can't process.
“bisexuals are half straight”
“bisexuals are inherently transphobic”
“when a bisexual dates the opposite sex, they’re just hetero”
“bisexuals have no place in lgbt+ safe spaces”
“i’d never touch a bi/pan person because they’ve been with the opposite sex”
“there is no such thing as bi/panphobia :)!”
“bi/pan people aren’t as important as lesbians and gays”
These gifs are terrifying
Not as terrifying as those opinions
Need hugs and cuddles. Touches. I’m feeling great need.
autism problem #1064
When someone who knows you’re autistic tries to school you on autism and you’re just like “bruh.”
.....yay?
anxiety builds up......
but i have a cold....i dont get panic attacks when sick.....
im pretty much all better then.....awesome
anxiety continues to build
..........yeah....awesome.
trying to stay in logical mode. hoping it keeps it separated. but honestly every time it feels like shooting blind. no idea what will work or how well. its random. like sometimes it doesnt matter, its just gonna go through its process then ill carry on.....but yeah....the fact that sometimes it just doesnt matter what i do. eh.
autism problem #1041
When you’re starving and you know exactly what you want to eat and you have everything to make it and you’re too overloaded to even stand up so you just think about how hungry you are and cry.
shoutout to boys with trauma
boys who have gone through childhood trauma
boys who have gone through sexual abuse
boys who have gone through physical abuse
boys who have gone through emotional abuse
boys who have been abused by their family
boys who have been abused by a partner or a friend
boys who avoid “normal” actions or experiences
boys who feel invalid
boys who haven’t told anyone
you’re all strong and lovely and i love u and im proud of u
ur valid, being a boy doesnt invalidate any of these experiences and they dont make u weak
even if u consider urself a victim instead of a survivor, its ok and u’ll be ok.
they cant hurt u anymore. if ur still around them, like i am, its ok. we’ll get away, one day we’ll both be far, far away from them and everything will be alright. i promise.
Thank you.
Thank you. I'm trying.
Difficulty list
heres an attempt to vent and process all the things goin on in the head of this autistic fellow. no particular order or set number of items on the list. #1643 messaging someone. i would like to message this person. how long as it been since ive messaged them? hmm, yesterday might be too soon, our connection isnt that level maybe? i dont know that i have any new info to go over. maybe they are having a rough day and a surprise message will be positive and help? maybe they will get confused by the random and no purpose message. maybe they have better things to do and think about than having this conversation with no purpose or goal on my end. i think i need a specific reason to message people. i dont know what im doing. maybe i like them? but it takes time to build up to a state of being able to share such things. and i have no evidence to support they are open to such a talk. true no way to know unless i ask, but i feel like if its meant to be then it would be happening or i would feel it. or be able to do it. this is hard. this is too much thought just for one message. for one ‘hello’. i want them to know they are thought about. cared about. but i dont know how or why i would be special or why it should make any difference to get a message from me. i know logically and statistically its better to have a message sent at the chance that it helps rather than its disregarded. but still. i cant stop my brain. i hate this process. every time. wether to say hi, or what to eat, or what to do with myself in the day. brain just wont stop. all these thoughts in the span in a couple seconds (even if took minutes to type, all of this is mere seconds in my head, if that) and i dont think ill be able to say hi at all. ugh. but if i dont message, i dont know if ill get to talk to anyone. not many message me first. its frustrating. i get tired and sad just from seeing a name and wondering if i should say ‘hello’
Can't
Struggling. Feeling a buildup and I don't think it'll stop till it goes through its process. I also don't think I should fight it. I need to go for a run. But I feel stuck and frozen. I need help to move.
back when i shared that my mother was in the hospital and i didnt know how to act. feel. anything. after a week in the hospital they determined that she was going to be heavily brain damaged, blind, and unlikely to be able to breathe on her own. my family made the decision to let her pass. i felt both everything, and nothing. i felt great fear for my own passing. i felt paralyzed, disabled, weak, etc. this happened in Sept. i still feel the same as the day it happened. everything and nothing.
Well one thing I know is that everyone works through someone’s passing at their own speed. There is no wrong way to feel emotions, so don’t feel bad for grieving differently than other people.
I recently lost my grandmother, and I’ve felt bad about what I felt too. Remembering that helped me. I hope you can feel better eventually, too.
Hang in there …
- Sister Cat
The last bit of info I was told about her was that she waa super born again Christian, she thought that I and my younger brother were living a sinful life (or something like that, we may have been called abominations), and that she had little to no contact with anyone in the family. I don't know how to feel at all. But I also feel scared because I feel like I could fall down that hole of depression, etc if I'm not careful. I feel so many things when people talk about relationships with their family. I try to process it all. I try to be mindful without dwelling.
My current support system is largely responsible for me being ok right now in my life.
thank you
you give me hope. every time i feel pain. anxiety. fear. you save me. because i have you, i go through the pain knowing it will be ok.
I'm lost without her. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
My world. My center. My strength. ♥️
Part one
This time, while it has similarities to stuff I've been through in the past, is also si different from last time. I'm not entirely a secret. I feel the love from her. Maybe I'm doing the order of this wrong. Maybe I should directly list and compare. -Rachel I was a secret. Two other people at different times were publicly known as your boyfriend during the time I was there. They both stayed in your room. They believed they were your bf. To everyone else, I was a friend with mental difficulties who lived on your couch. When i wanted to sit and chat with you and your 'bf' was present, my place was sitting on the floor next to your bed. I would text you while next to you saying I was having trouble. You would say I could not have time with you at the moment. That I should just sit and wait. I would have panic attacks frequently. I did not feel like a partner. I felt like a pet, there for your convenience when you were needing something. When your ex would come by, I had to go for a walk. Cause you said he would not respond great if I was there. What was communicated as maybe an hour walk while waitint......Turned into 3 or 4. Or even in one case was overnight. On the street. When it got down to 45 degrees and I only had a hoodie. In order for me to get out of there- after months of panic attacks, and losing weight, and feeling unsure about my health or future- it took two friends and two family members telling me and deciding for me to get me physically out of there. When I did get out......When I said I couldn't handle the conditions anymore......You said I could not understand things "because of the autism". When you said that......I knew how little you thought of me. I should have seen it before. When you needed help getting your ex out and kept away, I slept in an unfinished basement. On a table. With dirt and webs and dust around me. For a week. While you "need help keeping up appearances till you finish the protection from abuse order." When I had a jar of peanut butter and bottled water to keep me occupied. And panic attacks. To be continued....
I love you
More than anything.
