I spent the past year, most recently the past few months with a smug and self-satisfied attitude about one of my greatest accomplishments in life so far: becoming friends with Freddy Leighton. How did I, someone who had had such trouble assimilating to DC, get so lucky to have found a soulmate here? Someone who appreciated and loved every big and little thing about me as much as I did them? How did someone like me, who is friendly and kind, but extremely reserved toward new people, end up falling mutually in love with this person so incredibly fast? Is it even possible that I could be so accepted and admired by someone without having to sift through months, years of unfolding? This friendship gifted me with the rare ability to feel completely at home within myself, completely free to be myself without questioning a single thing or wondering where I stood. You did that on purpose, didn’t you Freddy? You did things immediately without any sort of planned out process. You put yourself out there, and I picked up what you were puttin down. I was so ready for it. You gave me love and harmony without me having to work for it. I got a warm, tight embrace of the soul from the first smile I saw of yours and the first conversation, and of course from the first dance moves. I knew that I loved you the minute I met you, I just didn’t know how deeply.
I’ve been arrogant in my head (maybe outwardly too, who knows) about how fortunate I am to have been brought closely into your life so quickly. It’s because I’m very insecure about my place in the DC community that I find myself in 2.5 years after moving here. A place that I grew up but that was so very hard to come back to, almost like it wasn’t home anymore at all. A place where it’s easy to have many acquaintances but near impossible to make fast friends that you stay close with. Why is that so? Well, it didn’t really matter anymore when you had Freddy in your life. He brought everything floating around in the air of our troubled minds back to earth. He constantly reminded you of the good in life, because he was so, so good. He was therapeutic to be around. I congratulated myself for being in the right place at the right time in order for us to meet. I met someone who lives and breathes music the way I do, that bonded with me over our shared tastes the way parents bond over a newborn baby. I can’t listen to music when I’m alone right now.
Without fully realizing it (but yes, actually very much being conscious of this), I thought you know what, with all of the emptiness I feel in this social scene and the DC material-focused, competitive life, what actually matters most to me (along with some other important things of course) is that I have Freddy. Freddy was home. Freddy was an anchor. A constant beam of infectious joy no matter what was happening in his own life. He was a happiness disease that I was ready to be plagued by every single day. Time, the universe, life, the spirit world, God, whatever, had given me a gift that sustained me in a time and place that I do struggle with (another story). I counted my blessings. I am rather broken inside and I’m healing, slowly, from a lot of pain. He made it worth it. He knew that I felt that way.
I told him all the time about how I felt because I didn’t hold anything back from him. We were constantly swimming in the same lane, on the same page, riding the same wave, vibing on the exact same philosophies of life and greater truths we wanted to experience. Let alone sharing both of our first loves, music. He gave me the urge to go forth in JOY and fun when oftentimes it’s easier to let bitterness, cynicism, and depression lead the way. I felt so sure about my life with Freddy now in it, as of September/October 2018. Finally, I was able to rest! I had true love.
I can’t even be angry at him for disappearing. I can only feel empty. I can only feel that half of my heart that’s gone and the hope that I had for my future staying in DC and actually being happy here evaporate. My anchor has detached. This may seem like a lot of weight to put on one person. But he knew he meant that much to me, he knew that I felt like I found pure gold in a barren land. He felt like he had found it in me too. That has been one of the greatest honors I’ll ever know and that I’ll continue to wear like a medal. I have pride from my love.
All one has to do is look at one of the many photos and videos of Freddy laughing, singing, dancing, petting cats, rapping, making up jokes, wearing wigs, smiling that up-to-no-good grin, dancing in the street, Facetiming… to know how special he was. I’ve really lost something rare that can’t be replaced. There can never be another person as sweet, funny, open-minded, creative, gentle, patient, positive, silly, expressive, down for the count, honest or real as Freddy. He brought out the best in me every single time we spoke, interacted, or spent time together. It is still so unreal that I don’t have that best friend energy in my life, his texts in my phone, his funny or musical videos in my Instagram direct messages, his facetime calls, his incredible ability to make even the most mundane situation into a joyous occasion. I don’t feel like I can ever really forgive Time for stopping short on him. He had given me everything and more, and he had so much more to give the world and all of us that loved him. But I got one year. If I had never gotten this past year with him… I don’t even want to think about where I’d be. I don’t mean to be vague about my own happiness and why DC is hard. It’s a completely whole other topic about satisfaction, connection, loneliness, depression, growing pains, and so much more. Oh, and about people bringin’ too much BULLSHIT around. Freddy would know what I mean.
I don’t know how to move forward from this loss. I’m so scared of what’s to come. But it’s not about me, as much as it feels like it’s shattered my life. It’s about what Freddy gave this life: honoring that and living with his light still radiating down and around on all of us that knew him. What would he want from us? To retreat into our shells? To stop asking questions, to stop loving and dancing and creating? I can’t ever be you Freddy, I can’t ever replicate you, but I can live with your handprint on my heart forever, and I promise to never forget you or how you’ve made me feel. I promise to try to keep going. I promise to be as good of a friend to others as you were to me, no matter what they might be able to give back in return. I love you, and all I want for you since we can’t go back and erase what happened to you (though I’d kill to go back in time and save you), is for you to be in a place of eternal happiness. I want you to be in a place of joy that never ceases and for you to experience only bliss and peace. You deserve everything good in the world, and I hope that the next world, wherever that may be, gives you all that you’d ever hoped for in this one. I love you forever and ever and ever, my dear best friend Freddy.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
origamiaround
