Relapse (tw may be)
I haven't written around here for a long time, but I need to get my feelings out.
I was discharged from treatment 5 years ago. Then, I started working out in a gym. A year later (with 19 years old) I started with a fitness coach. I became obsessed with my body again and my only goal was to be strong and defined so I was doing a very restrictive diet (almost no carbs). I had a lot of anxiety about food (I woke up every night hungry) so on weekend I made my cheat meal. I spent the whole weekend eating the food I couldn’t eat on the week. I don’t know if this was a binge. I felt guilty before so I exercise a lot and restrict my food again. I spent 2 years like this.
I realize this was not healthy so I give up on fitness. I started weightlifting and my relationship with food became better. I was not restricting, I was not binging, my goal was not aesthetic. But I was not comfortable with my self (I gained 6/7kg). I hated my body. But I was living with that and I though I was finally recovered.
2020 was difficult to everyone. But, some other things happened to me apart from the pandemic. A very close friend of mine develop cancer. Another friend almost died from an pulmonary embolism. They’re now good. My mum has problems with food too (she was obese) and that kills me. So, 1 month ago I decided I wanted to lose weight. I’m restricting food, I weight myself every day, I work out with the goal of losing weight. I can’t eat carbs os sugar ir things that I consider are going to make me gain weight. I lost almost 5kg in a month. So, I think I’m having a relapse and I need to write it here, be cause I don’t know who to talk with.
