The Twitter Thread that Started It All
Transcribed for easy reading
Sam: Yo can you help me out?
Chuck: Hey, what do you need?
Sam: I don't know if I told you but I recently became a camp councilor.
Chuck: That's cool.
Sam: It was going super well but there's some kind of crazed serial killer roaming the grounds right now.
Chuck: Oh shit, that sometimes happens.
Sam: You got any advice? They're all dead. Like, almost everyone.
Chuck: Okay, first I hate to ask this but are you sure YOU are not the killer?
Sam: I can't be 100% sure...
Chuck: See, yeah. I wondered. Are you covered in blood?
Sam: No. Wait, yes...
Chuck: Is it your blood?
Sam: How can you tell?
Chuck: Well, are you bleeding?
Sam: I don't think so.
Chuck: Okay, okay, let's see. What else? Oh I know, are you holding a weapon? Probably a sharp one?
Sam: Hang on, let me check. Is a machete a weapon?
Chuck: In this context, yes. But! It could be because you are protecting yourself so, last question. Are you wearing some kind of...creepy mask?
Sam: Like subjective creepy or objective?
Chuck: Generally, the creepiness will be broadly creepy like to a mass audience, so, let's go with objectively.
Sam: Okay, so what kind of professions might be considered creepy?
Chuck: Like, I dunno; a clown or a human scarecrow or a plague doctor from a long time ago...wait, you are wearing a mask aren't you?
Sam: Yeah but I don't know if it's creepy.
Chuck: Okay, let's take creepy out of the equation. What kind of mask are you wearing?
Sam: A wooden mask whose empty eyes drink in the light and whose jagged grin suggests it was carved, forced upon it when it didn't laugh.
Chuck: Oh see, yeah, yep, that's creepy. That's not even a job or anything, that's just...I mean, you found an evil mask and put it on.
Sam: All right, I can appreciate that but I came for advice not judgement.
Chuck: Okay, fair enough. Hey, so, I Googled all this stuff and it looks a whole lot like you are the killer, so that's a plus for you.
Sam: All right, cool cool. So what does one typically do in these situations?
Chuck: Well, good news is, you can probably feel free to just kill more people, but uhhh, there is bad news too.
Sam: Oh boy. Let's here it.
Chuck: So, generally speaking like, moooost of the time you're gonna get got. Probably by the last person you choose to kill.
Sam: Oh fuck, you might be right. There's like three or four of those guys running around.
Chuck: Right, yeah, so if you kill all of them, the last one you go to kill will totally turn the tables on you...but there is more good news.
Sam: Oh, sweet! I was hoping for an upside.
Chuck: Upside: You won't just die. You'll get to keep coming back with new chances to kill, kill, kill, but you know, more bad news too.
Sam: Jeez, this is a real emotional roller-coaster. What's the bad news?
Chuck: You're still probably gonna die. So, one option is, you just quit now. You just like, stop killing and go do some other shit.
Sam: So, okay. I agree that SOUNDS really intelligent but I'm kind of in the middle of the woods so...like...what else is there to do?
Chuck: You could walk away and find a video arcade or maybe a fast food place. If you stay in the woods the kids are probably gonna nail you tho.
Sam: Right, the last one will, you said so, like, just between us?
Chuck: Sure, go. Total cone of silence.
Sam: Like, totally hypothetically not doing it, but you said the LAST one would kill me so like, so long as there's two left, I'm okay, right?
Chuck: I mean, maybe. The math sounds legit. Is the mask demanding you kill them? Like, real talk time.
Sam: Not exactly? So, like, I don't [want to] do what this thing tells me but I am agreeing with a lot of what it says?
Chuck: So maybe you and the mask just share a hobby? That's nice.
Sam: It's pretty good, actually. You know how when you meet someone and they're not friends YET but you can tell you're going to be GOOD friends?
Chuck: Oh yeah, it's just like, total simpatico! Where did you find the mask?
Sam: In the woods on a nature hike some crazy desiccated corpse was holding onto it, ringed by salt and bound with crucifixes.
Chuck: Sure, I would've picked that thing up to, just for shits and giggles.
Sam: Like, I just wanted to do it for the STORY, you know? Just to say I've done it. Anyway, I put it on and a LOT of people started dying.
Chuck: Yep, pretty classic case. So, I figure you can kill maybe two more but if you wanna be safe go with like, one.
Sam: All right yeah, cool, but hypothetically, if I killed, like, three, how bad would that be?
Chuck: Welp. You'd PROBABLY die.
Sam: So here's the crazy thing and, like, get ready because you're going to laugh when you hear this...
Chuck: Go on.
Sam: I killed all three and thought, "Huh, that's weird, Chuck said one of them would kill me." but get this, just listen...
Chuck: Uh oh.
Sam: This one I THOUGHT I killed way back at the beginning came back at the very end all beat up and bruised and looking for vengeance.
Chuck: See, that's a thing, yeah.
Sam: Anyway, this is kind of awkward because I'm trapped under a girder in a boathouse and all this gasoline is seeping in.
Chuck: Oh. Ohhhhhhhh. Hey, so...bad news...
Sam: Oh boy, this isn't great, is it?
Chuck: You are on the way to your inevitable and ineluctable end but! Good news, maybe...
Sam: Oh, sweet sweet. Hey, if I log off it's because this broken, flaming lantern on the edge of the table fell off.
Chuck: Okay, yeah, so, here's the good news. There's always a sequel.
Sam: Sweet, sweet. So hey, thanks for talking to me about it, it really means a lot. I guess I'll see you in...two? Three years?
Chuck: See you when lightning strikes your dread grave, pal.
