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@yourhighlights
Marlena amazes me because sheās been grand and joyful and full of energy all day despite frequent episodes of diarrhoea that look like green water. Sheās nursing frequently, drinking water but will only eat yoghurt which is fair enough. Sheās a trooper. We even chanced a quick walk to the beach this evening and she had a great time. If it was me had a stomach bug like that I donāt think Iād be so lively (and may yet get to find out I guess)
Got Marlena a little bookshelf thatās her height so she can pick what book she wants to read and she keeps choosing one about Sleeping Beauty that I never think to bring out for her because it feels like itās too old for her still. She seems to enjoy it! She also really enjoys emptying all of her books out of the bookshelf completely but here anything that keeps her busy is a win. Also got her a kitchen helper because sheās so nosy and always wants to see what Iām doing. I wanted to get one she can climb into herself but Connor was worried about her falling out which is very reasonable so we got one we lift her in and out of. Itās early days but she seems pleased to be up high! I feel like weāve been in an era of buying her loads of stuff recently, hopefully weāre out of ideas for a while!
Ungrateful venting below
My mum does a lot for us and I truly do appreciate her but she is a very relentless woman who has never heard the term āno is a complete sentenceā. If she wants to make a plan she will bulldoze and bulldoze until I either give in or snap at her (at which point she will say āyou just need to communicateā as if I havenāt tried and sheās not listened). Today for example she asked if I want to go over this evening, I said Iād rather stay home because Marlena has a bad stomach. She said I can change Marlenaās nappy at theirs. She then told me sheās meeting her friends and their toddlers tomorrow and I should come to. I again said no I donāt think theyād appreciate me bringing Marlena with a stomach bug. My mum said sheāll probably be better by tomorrow I said youāre still meant to wait 48 hours. Then she said we should go to this castle garden thing at the weekend and I said again have to see how Marlena is and we need to get the house ready for the Swedes visiting next week and she said āthe house is fineā like she knows. Itās lovely she wants to see us but at the same time itās always on her terms like I didnāt see her last two days because she was busy with her stuff which is fine but then itās just this expectation that when sheās free weāll be at their beck and call. Like Connor and I have very little time together and have the Swedes coming next week so really need this weekend for ourselves regardless of Marlena having a bug. I did say that if she can come here instead this evening Iād really appreciate it so I can walk Sansa and to be fair to her she did then come over immediately for half an hour in the afternoon while I walked Sansa, but then was back to insisting I go over this evening. I donāt want to deal with Marlenaās diarrhoea at a house where I donāt have all of our changing stuff why is that so difficult to accept? She infuriatingly pointed out that the half hour she was over Marlena didnāt poo at all and I was like yeah well Iām not lying??
On a brighter note I spoke to my future manager this morning and I feel so much better about starting work now. He was totally unphased by my request to work three days a week, unlike the other person I spoke to who I could tell wasnāt thrilled at all and itās not even her team! Meanwhile this guy was like totally get it, have kids myself and itās so hard finding a balance. He said he used to work compressed hours (which the other manager had tried to convince me to try first) but he doesnāt recommend it because you basically just donāt see your kids at all for days at a time then. He said he needs to get it approved from higher up but doesnāt see there will be any issue as theyāve worked really hard to make things family friendly for people. I gave him the days I ideally want to work and he was happy with that so hopefully gets approved! He asked if I want to go in before I start to meet people and have a chat so itās less daunting so Iāve scheduled that for the week before which is so nice. Just had a really good vibe which I wasnāt expecting cause at the interview he was dry as hell but itās not the friendliest setting end of the day! He said theyāre really excited about my experience and looking forward to having me on board which feels nice as well. Have been in such a state of denial and/or panic about work but feel a tad hopeful that it could work out well and be an ok balance.
3 weeks into nursery and Marlena has her first tummy bug š„“ they sent round a message yesterday that three babies had come down with d&v and please keep your babies at home if they have it. Today within the first hour of getting up I had to change Marlenaās nappy 4 times, I remember now why we never went anywhere when she was a newborn! It seems to have calmed down a bit but sheās having a very fussy morning so we ended up in the living room watching the Wiggles and she got up and danced then. Very glad I still breastfeed now as she only ate a few spoons of her favourite puree but has been nursing plenty so at least I know sheās getting hydration and nutrition that way!
I am slightly more functional today despite another horrible drop off where Marlena was screaming and clinging to me and had to be physically pulled away from me which will probably be burned into my brain forever. But I have since managed to shower, have breakfast, take Sansa for a good long run, wash and hang out bedding, prep some food for Marlenaās dinner (that no doubt she wonāt eat) and cleaned the bathrooms (although I still need to declutter one cause the windowsill accumulates all manner of weird items that I just shove there to be out of Marlenaās reach). Having a cup of tea now then hoping to hoover and mop but not going to go too crazy on the cleaning because itāll all be dirty again tomorrow
Marlena slept in a cot for 40 minutes in nursery today! They have achieved in three weeks what I did not achieve in over a year haha. Admittedly I didnāt try very hard after the first few weeks and on that note Iāve noticed I still have this terrible voice in my head that tells me Iāve failed at parenting somehow because I made choices that were easier for me and itās so weird because objectively I also believe they were the right choices for Marlena but because they were, for me personally, the path of least resistance doing them feels like a moral failing. And now these strangers in nursery can get my baby to sleep independently when I never did. Like I just got this horrible voice in my head tell me that the reason Iām upset about leaving Marlena with other caregivers isnāt because Iām worried they wonāt look after her properly but because Iām worried they will look after her better than me. And like, I donāt really think that, itās more that this voice in my head is accusing me of that?? And like, I could argue with that voice all day but why does it come? Where does it come from? Iāve said it before but literally the most distressing aspect of my parenting journey to date is how utterly cruel Iāve become to myself. I never thought I had esteem issues but the way I pull myself apart is just horrible and I donāt get it. Objectively I have this beautiful, healthy, thriving child who is just absolutely wonderful and there I am berating myself for how Iām raising her because I donāt know how else to raise her and therefore how Iām doing it must be wrong because Iām me. How exhausting.
I thought Iād get so much done when Marlena is at nursery but instead I just found myself standing in the garden holding the kettle with no idea why I was standing in the garden holding the kettle. I got back inside and went to fill the kettle at the sink and noticed through the window that the bird feeder was empty so Iām assuming that I saw that and I was going to fill it but itās literally just a total glitch in my brain. I wish I could relax even but I just feel a panicked sense of āwhere is my missing limbā. When does this get easier.
My Swedish family are visiting next week, thereās like 8 or 9 of them coming. Iām really excited see them but also feel very nervous and overwhelmed at the thought and feel awkward about how tied to Marlenaās schedule I am like I still co-nap and sleep with her and it feels awkward to host but also be like well weāre away to bed at 8pm keep it down. Only my stepsister and her husband are staying here, everyone else has an Airbnb but she just told me they wonāt get in until past midnight when they arrive and I want to ask if they can stay somewhere else for that one night because Sansa will definitely go mental and wake Marlena and I donāt want to be scurrying around in the middle of the night settling people into my house. I feel bad but thatās reasonable enough isnāt it? Theyāre chill people so I donāt think there will be any drama or expectations but itās just hard, I feel I exist well within one set routine as a parent and anything that throws that off sends me spinning and I wish I wasnāt like that but I am.
Fairly struggling today, Marlena woke up crying what felt like every hour of the night last night and needed walked to settle. The night before she had a split night from 4-6am. Today she woke up for the day crying and has been irritable and whiny all morning which is not like her at all. Probably her body reacting to the vaccinations and the heat doesnāt help and I suspected she was teething last week which might still be the case. She doesnāt have a temperature but have given her calpol and I think she did seem a bit less upset with everything once it kicked in.
I just feel so so tired and drained and feel awful that Iām finding Marlenaās whining quite annoying when itās obviously not her fault and she just needs comfort and patience and Iām having to really force myself. Connor didnāt seem to wake at all during the night (although he says he did but if so he just lay there) so I feel annoyed with him too even though it makes little enough difference and if I wanted his help it was on me to ask for it. I hate when I go into martyr mode and I seem to do it a lot at the moment. Like I think the crux of it is Iām tired and annoyed and so I feel annoyed with them but no one has really done anything wrong and certainly not Marlena. Anyway going to let her nap as long as she wants now and then take her to the beach for a dip when she wakes up, as that seems to be her favourite thing in the world right now. Hopefully be a reset then. We took Sansa out first thing so will leave her at home so itās a bit more relaxing. I should probably try to nap as well now instead of just doom scrolling..
Had an impromptu trip to the beach which was very fun, put Marlena down and she went sprinting straight into the sea fast as her little legs could take her, Connor went in after her with his shoes on thatās how much she took us by surprise š
Marlena had her 1 year vaccinations today, she caught on that something iffy was happening as soon as we entered the room which kind of made it less hard because she was already crying when she got the injections, if that makes sense? And she stopped crying as soon as we left the room lol. I also felt iffy about the nurse tbf, literally the only bit of housekeeping āadviceā she gave us about post vaccine was āif she gets a mental fever take her to a&eā. I asked her to define āmentalā and she looked at me like I was stupid and said ājust, like, if itās higher than normalā so I said āoh right so any fever at all then straight to a&e?ā and she got flustered and said āwell yeah if itās been agesā and at that point I decided to leave her alone and not ask what ages meant
All day Marlena has been pretty much exclusively walking instead of crawling. Itās kind of surreal and feels like the end of an era š„²
I know we picked the absolute right area to live in because the 12th is fast approaching but there is not one fleg to be seen anywhere in the neighbourhood. Both towns weāre between are usually fairly pleasant, and both we considered living in, but currently they are absolutely covered in flags and one of them has a massive 11th night bonfire too. I am SO GLAD we donāt have to deal with any of that, donāt think the Orange Order will be marching through here!
The Wiggles have me in an absolute chokehold at the moment, I put them on my phone for Marlena while Iām changing her nappy but I think I enjoy them more than she does? I vaguely remember them being a thing when I was a child but Iād have watched The Singing Kettle more which sadly no longer exists. Petition to bring The Singing Kettle back!!
Marlena had a great time after all that! She only napped half an hour while being carried but as soon as they put her in the crib she woke up and was laughing and rolling about lol hopefully with time sheāll adapt. Apparently she was on great form and only got upset if it was an unfamiliar staff member so that should get better once she gets to know them all. She made friends with a wee boy and they were playing and giggling together. The staff were all saying how well sheās doing for it being so new still and what a happy baby she is. I picked her up at 1.30 (new record for longest weāve ever been apart) and when I got there she was under the table playing hide and seek. When she saw me she crawled straight over but was still beaming at everyone so that was good to see. Now weāre cuddling in bed and sheās napping and Iām so happy to have her back haha
Nursery drop off was horrendous this morning, Marlena was completely hysterical and clinging to me and reaching for me. I forgot to leave her bag so after I left I had to go back into the building and I could hear her screaming still. I cried so hard I was nearly sick and decided just to take Sansa out as I was too churned up too eat breakfast. It was the right move because itās a beautiful day and Sansa was so happy, a random woman asked if I was ok so I must have still looked really upset so thatās embarrassing but oh well. The nursery then messaged me to let me know Marlena had settled and was sat looking through her family book and about to have a snack and theyāll let me know if she naps. I kind of hope she doesnāt so I can go get her asap but in the long run she obviously does need to learn to sleep there. This is so hard though I hate it so much. Anyway bonus photo of happy Sansa dag.