...Sweetheart, I Love You
Pairing: Attending!Jack Abbot x Resident!Reader
Warnings: INSECURE Jack Abbot, Jealous Jack Abbot, Jack Went to Therapy mentioned, Age Gap, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort?, Love Confession,
Author's Note: I kinda imagine Jack as Pope for a second there… and I think I went too far… So Enjoy… Let me know what you think.
Continuation of this drabble
WEEKS AFTER
Attending!Jack Abbot who gets jealous when he sees reader laugh with others but not with him. That smile was usually for him. One time he heard familiar sounds of his two favorite people. Reader and his best friend Robby. He hears her winces and his laughs on one of the closed curtains of South 1. He draws the curtain and find Robby tries to treat reader's wound after a sloppy intern dropped a scalpel through her foot.
"What the hell happened?"
"Intern got nervous during procedure. I was beside him and scalpel dropped. Accidents happen I guess"
"Well why didn't you come to me?"
"It's no big deal. It' sterile so It' just-"
"Next time, come to me. Besides, Dr. Robby is needed in trauma 1"
Jack treats reader’s wound in silence, afraid to say the wrong thing. But touching reader’s skin, treating her wound with the best bedside manner, that made his heart pounding. Jack wishes reader cannot hear it. More than 30 years of experience in the medical field, only this time did he not have any explanation on why his heart is pounding each time his finger tips touches even the slightest skin on reader’s body.
"Thank you dr. Abbot"
"It's dr. Abbot now?"
"It is your name, is it not?"
Jack wanted to reply, but no words can express the raging things on his mind. He just… stares at reader’s eyes, trying to find answers for thousands of questions that's in his mind. Things that he alone cannot answer.
Attending!Jack Abbot who was missing reader's attention. He misses her laugh, her smile, her stories. He confronted reader one time in the break room.
"You're avoiding me"
"no, I'm just trying to do my work"
"you haven't looked at me once the entire shift"
"what do you want, Jack?"
"I want you to look at me"
Reader turns her head unexpectedly, looking straight at Jack’s eyes. He can see how tired these past few weeks were for her.
"now what?"
Jack wanted to reply, but no words can express the raging things on his mind. He just… stares at reader’s eyes, trying to find answers for thousands of questions that's in his mind. Things that he alone cannot answer. Those sleepless nights and dreamless days of rearranging words to explain to reader. Those words failed to come up, it vanished with the smell of burnt coffee in the breakroom.
That is when Lena called for reader, leaving Jack's heart aching and cursing.
Attending!Jack Abbot who offers himself to assess when reader needs an attending help. But reader said "no, we got Shen" and Abbot was very hurt by that rejection. Beside him, Robby laughs "Tough luck brother"
Attending!Jack Abbot who keeps an eye on reader the entire shift. Once Robby noticed
"stare a little bit longer and you can poke a hole through her skull with that stare"
"don’t know what you’re talking about"
“everybody noticed your resident”
“she’s not mine”
“yeah, keep saying that and just wait until she’s not here anymore”
“what do you mean by that?”
“Just talk to her man”
Robby shrugs and walks away.
Attending!Jack Abbot who noticed something was different one night. ER feels colder and emptier like the hole that is in his heart.
"Where is she?"
"You didn't hear?"
"Hear what?"
"She requested to change shift. She's with days now"
"What? Why?"
"Something about wanting to try new scenery"
Attending!Jack Abbot who came early several times just to see reader before her shift is over and hope that she would talk to him. Almost all of the time, reader successfully went home without Abbot having the chance to speak eye to eye. One time, however, reader could not handle it anymore and she went to the roof. Abbot asked Dana whether she already left. Dana said reader went to the roof, and Abbot followed.
"I know what you're doing"
"What's that?"
"You're punishing me"
"What do you mean?"
"Avoiding me. Refusing my help. Changing shift. You're doing this to punish me" his voice slightly shakes
"And why would I punish you, dr. Abbot?"
"You know why"
"Do tell. Because the last time we spoke, you don't even want me, remember?"
"That's not true"
"Of course it is"
"I didn't say that"
"Oh but it felt like it"
"Well I did not intend to make you feel like that"
“THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL JACK? I am hurt. And I tried not to hurt anyone else. I surely will not hurt you because of this stupid feelings. Right from the start when I knew this was going to be messy, I braced myself. I've told myself from the very beginning that I'll be the only one who will carry this feelings. This is my way to deal with it. I will not bother anyone with this stupid fucking feelings, especially you. You don't want me? No problem, Jack. I'll never mention it again. Let this be my burden. I'll make you forget about it. But you made it very hard"
“It does hurt.... for me. I know you are hurt, and it made my heart fucking hurt to see you like this. Please let me fix this” he said while trying to reach for reader's hand, but she step back.
“There is nothing to fix. This? All of this is nothing”
“Don’t say that. It is something, at least for me. And I know it is something to you”
“Keep lying to yourself Abbot. I don’t want to hear anything from you anymore” she tried to walk past Jack until he pleaded
“It’s not a lie. Stop saying that. Just stop and listen to me, please”
Reader stops and listen
“I lost a lot of things in the past. I even lost myself for a while. Yes I tried therapy, it was good for sometime. I thought I was getting better, but all I feel is just… numb. That was before you. You made me feel like living again. I have things to look forward to. Seeing you, hearing you, being near you. You help me find things that I never thought I could grow back. And yes it’s scary, because it all feels too perfect and too real. Maybe I am stupid and selfish, for always wanting you near me while I cannot give you things that you wanted. Because I am… too broken. There are parts of me that I am ashamed of, things that I regret. I cannot bear to share it because I am scared that you’ll run away and see me differently”
For a while, Jack notices that his hands are shaking from all of the things that he said. He braces himself to continue
“I am so sorry, sweetheart. I did not mean to make you feel rejected. I am the one who is too scared. I thought… that if I pushed you… you’ll realize that there are other people and other things that are waiting for you. That’s better for you than me. I don't want you to be stuck with me and my past”
“And what is it that you want, Jack? You want me to open my heart for other people?”
“Yes… No…-”
“Make up your damn mind. Because I don’t think I will survive being like this anymore”
“No… I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I don’t think I can survive this either"
“And what is this?”
“Not being with you”
The silence is terrifying. But Jack continues…
“...Sweetheart, I love you. But as hard as I can try not to, I will eventually hurt you in some other way. But I can promise you that I will not reject you. If you’d take me, I promise I will try to make everything right for you, I will remind you that I love you, and I will pick up everything that I hurt and I will try to mend you. Maybe I am still selfish, but this is who I am. A broken man and I am so sorry that I am a broken man”
He cried. Jack Abbot, the man behind the bulletproof vest, the man behind all those bloodied surgical gowns, the man behind all of those jokes and banters and flirts. Jack Abbot has always stood as a man who is brave and strong. But right now, he stands in front of the woman that he loves, crying and shaking. He feels like a boy. He cannot see reader in the eye anymore.
That is when reader reaches for Jack’s face. Reader herself also cries, for the vulnerable things that Jack has said. Her thumb brushes Jack’s cheek that is damp with his tears. She brought Jack’s eyes to look at hers before she says…
“Jack…there is no part of you that can change my mind. Do you think I love you just for the better part of you? I see you Jack. I see you struggle, and I love you for who you are. I love all of you. You are a kind and brave man. You treat other people with compassion not many can do. You think you are a burden? Jack you are still a human, and being a human hurts sometimes. We feel pain, we feel lost, but we also search for help. You are not broken, you are a human and I love you. I love you, Jack. I love you”
Jack hugged reader tighter than he ever hugged any other person.
