The tragedy of the commons that is our traffic today, has caught my full attention. Ever had that one frustrating asshole on the road who almost runs you over? Sure, it's happened to you, once... Twice maybe, if you live in a country where the majority of the population regard the traffic rules with a decent amount of respect, well if not respect, then some amount of fear. Nope, not here. Welcome to Bangalore traffic, where the roads are shitty and the drivers, even more so. Rules here are regarded as reference points. I had, not one, but, wait for it... THREE assholes almost run me over today. I consider myself reasonably careful when out on the roads of Bangalore. I walk on the pedestrian path, when there is one. I use the zebra crossing to cross the road, when there is one. Like I said, reasonably careful. Let me set the backdrop to Bangalore traffic before I proceed with my anecdote. First I shall write on dreadful application of space management. There is a saying- Where there is a will, there is a way. Well, here is a perfect example of moral gone wrong. Here the norm is, where there is space and your vehicle can fit in there, get it in there. From a two wheeler squeezing in between a bus and a rickshaw to a car being parked in front of a gate which has a No Parking sign board on it, you can find it all here. What more, this saying is taken to the next level - Where there is a will but no way, MAKE a way. This I will comeback to in my almost-accident story. Another crucial component to this backdrop are interpretations of the traffic signals. Here, the traffic signals are not what they usually mean in all other countries. Red does not mean an absolute consto, oh no... You see it's a conditional indicator. It's more of a - stop... IF you see a cop or the traffic on the other starts to move, otherwise its, speed the fuck up before the traffic on the other side starts moving!!! Green is GO GO GO!!! The second, and more important significance of the green traffic signal is - keep palm firmly planted on the horn and apply pressure until the vehicle in front of you has shifted. This action is meant to motivate the driver in front you to start moving but ultimately results in pissing the shit out of him as there is another vehicle in front of him, with which he is in such close proximity that if he moves an inch, he is bound to dent the vehicle. Now, the vehicle in front of the two vehicles, has either broken down or has a cow standing in front of it staring at the ghastly metal creature emitting a high-pitched monotone sounds. Lastly, the yellow/orange light which, in actuality, signifies to slow down, cannot be further away from what registers in our driver's temporal lobes. They perceive this light to mean speed up before the red signal comes on, which would then mean that you would have to do the same, but with a shameless amount of guilt. Not going off on a tangent, my anecdote makes an entrance. My first almost accident happen while crossing the road. Here's the thing. I WOULD have crossed the road on the zebra crossing had all the moronic rickshaws and bikes not stopped ON it. So I'm forced cross the road a little after the crossing and this sad-excuse-for-a-human-being has the audacity to speed up to me, break at the last moment and prevent me from being road-kill, and yell at me for being reckless on the road. Um, SAY WHAT?!?!? The second and third almost accidents happened on the pedestrian path. In my second incident, I was getting off the bus and stepping on the path when a brain-dead piece of garbage almost runs over my foot. He too stops to yell at me... Saying I should watch where I'm going. Firstly, I shouldn't have to 'watch where I'm going' because its the pedestrian fucking path. Roads are provided for vehicles... Clearly, he never went to a driving school. Secondly, he has some balls standing there and lecturing me on my street alertness when, he is not only on the pedestrian path, but on the wrong side of the traffic. The third incident was when I was walking down the same path and another brain-dead piece of garbage almost hit me. This time, I lose it and give him a piece of my mind, a big piece at that. His apologetic look did nothing to stop me. Honestly! These guys should get a refund from whichever godforsaken driving school they went to because clearly, their education is mind-numbingly incomplete. Driving school should not only teach their students how to use their vehicles, but should emphasise on the rules and regulations that entail their journey on the road. It would make life much easier "for you and for me and the entire human race". Until the next dramatic event in my life, Yours truly, RM
