This post is just to vent my feelings on my entire year of 2015 so far. Sure, arguably it’s one of the best years anyone could ever ask for, however there has been some down sides to it too. So, if you’re interested in what my life decided to throw at me this year, this post is for you.
Around August 2014 I uploaded a video on my Youtube channel about depression and what I was not happy. It helped vent my feelings telling you guys how I was feeling and yeah, it helped talking about it. Bottling it all up just made me feel worse.
So you’re wondering if I still have depression….yes. I do. It comes and goes on occasions and depending on the people I am around, but yes I am still depressed. Over a year later on the video and my feelings are still the same.
Now before we get into that let me reflect on some of the most memorable moments of the year so far.
We’re going to hit 1 million subscribers this year. As I never thought that would happen or my channel would have plummeted after 200k subs we’re about to celebrate 1 million. Now I have accepted we’ll never hit 10 million BUT that’s okay, I have other goals I want to achieve and 1 million is a huge goal regardless. I’m very happy how my channel has turned out over the last few years but I know we won’t be continuing it forever. Please accept that. I don’t dream to do Youtube for the rest of my life, it’s a stepping stone to other dreams, and that’s okay.
I also moved to LA and I’m in process of getting a VISA. I’m so excited about this because in LA I was barely depressed. I was surrounded by great friends, great opportunities and I was living my dream. Ever since I was 12 I wanted to move to LA and I did it. Always follow your dreams…sometimes it’s the only thing that can keep you sane. I have a place in Hollywood and there is always a friend to talk too if I’m ever in need to vent my feelings. However due to VISA’s I can’t permanently live there, so I fly back an forth for a few months.
The final thing is that I have written a book. The best thing about writing this book is that if I ever felt my depression kicking back in again, I would put on some background music and go into my head and write this book. It is finished, and it took me 8 months to write. It’s currently with publishers now and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’ll be published. That sure would make me feel so happy.
Other stuff includes being on TV (stuff I can’t talk about publicly just yet), great sponsor opportunities, travelling the world, verified on twitter and making some great friends along the way. However, I now must inform some reasons as to why I am depressed.
I’m honestly tired of Youtube, well…specifically the people on Youtube. It’s a one man game and everyone is playing it to get to level one. As you progress in this game you find the people you can team up with and you’ll also find your enemies. That’s not why I’m depressed….it’s the 3rd players in the game…the traitors. The ones who betray your trust just to become level one by using you as a stepping stone then stop talking to you once they no longer need you. I have met so many traitors in this game that it’s tearing me apart. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t trust all players anymore, even my team mates.
Okay enough with the metaphors, the team mates are my friends, the enemies are other youtubers whom I don’t like (and they don’t like me) and the traitors are the backstabbing friends who use you…if you didn’t catch on already. The backstabbing friends are the ones who see advantage of using someone to benefit just themselves. These are the people who not only really harm me and cause my depression but also are the ones you believe is a loyal friend until they leave. The problem with Youtube is that you don’t know who is a friend and who is a foe. Everybody is playing the same game and I’m tired of playing this game. Remember earlier how I said I won’t be doing Youtube forever? Yeah this is mainly why….I just dislike other players in this game. Now when I say this, I mean I’m not a fan on other content creators that’s only soul purpose is to become max level. I’m not talking about the fans who watch the content creators, I’m not talking about my friends who stick by me and is there for me when I’m in need. I’m talking about those who only think about the end goal of succeeding and not afraid to step on toes to get there. I’ve met too many of these people and I’m tired of playing. So I apologise if you read this and wonder why it’s so hard for me to make friends now…it’s not you, it’s me. I now have trust issues.
I also HATE hypocritical people in this community. Here is an idea…don’t hate on me for doing one thing but then doing that one thing yourself. You are a horrible person and you need to stop. This is indeed aimed at people but names shall not be said in this post…if you’ve been paying attention you can guess who I’m talking about.
Okay so what about your home life? Well Not a lot of people were aware that I dated a girl for about 6 months between October 2014-April 2015. We both agreed that we didn’t want her involved in my online life and she was there if I had problems online, to escape and go to her. That’s why I kept it a secret from a lot of people…plus I get real shy talking about people I really like lol. However, she fell ill around the time I moved in with her in January (the house in London…the one with the attic) and our relationship became a struggle. I’m not talking about ill like a cold, I’m talking about in and out of hospitals almost every week. It affected our love life and we stopped being intimate with each other…which of course when you’re dating someone can be hard if you’re not in love with each other. So when I announced I would move to LA for the summer in April, we broke up as we knew it wasn’t going to work. This was hard for both of us because we both really liked each other but knew it wasn’t going to work.
However, I (to this very day) only feel bad because she needed me the most when she was ill and instead I ran away to America. This haunts me to this day. When I went to LA she moved out of the London home and went to live with her family. But when I came back in September she wanted to move back in…meaning I now have to move out as we’re not together anymore. (This is what is happening right now…moving out of my London home).
So I guess we’ll talk about the final thing that’s been making me depressed. While in America I actually met someone at PAX 2015 in Boston (March). Now let me quickly confirm, in the summer I DID make a coming out video that I was bisexual and I have been with guys and girls. I dated the girl I moved in with in London but now I had feelings for this person I met in Boston…and this person is a guy.
Once I moved to LA we had a better chance to actually meet…every now and then. However I wasn’t out at this point so I always had to make up an excuse to go to Boston (sorry haha), but eventually I came out of the closet (with pride and I was very happy to do so) and I started going to Boston a lot more. The depression comes in with the fact that I hardly get to see him since being on the other side of the country. Yes I met this guy in March while I was still dating the girl back home…my mind was going all over places…trust me. The illness was hard on me and I needed company and I found it.
So let’s sum up this year. I feel guilty for breaking up with my ex because she was ill and I ran away. I’m tired of other people in the Youtube community using me as a stepping stone to benefit themselves and the one person I want to see is now on the other side of the world (I’m in UK currently). I have to move back in with my Mum at the moment while moving out of the UK home, now meaning that I am left alone with my thoughts. In LA or London I always had someone. Back in my Mum’s house I am alone…and it’s eating at me with all of these feelings. There is more too it, trust me and only one other people I can count on know and that is Jordan (Fear Rasier)…he’s one guy to rely on as a teammate and not a traitor.
So, all we can do now I guess is to try focus on the positives in my life. I mean…I have my own place in Hollywood which was was childhood’s dream…and we’re about to hit 1 million subscribers. I also have a book coming out. I should be thankful with my life with the positives…so why can’t I help but think about the negatives.
