Gravity
happy birthday karina!
word count: 16k
Yoo Jimin (Karina) x male reader
There is a specific dinner that Jihoon would think about for the rest of his life.
It was a Tuesday in October, six months before everything ended. Nothing about it had been unusual. He had cooked, she had come over after a schedule ran long, they had eaten at his kitchen table with the city going dark outside the window. He had made doenjang jjigae because it was what he made on cold evenings and the weather had turned that week, and she had sat in the chair she always sat in and pulled her knees up the way she did when she was comfortable, and everything about the evening had the texture of something ordinary except it wasn't, except he would spend the next year turning it over in his hands trying to find the exact seam where ordinary became something else.
She had her chin resting on one hand. She was looking at him with the particular quality of attention she gave to things she actually meant. And she said, plainly and without flinching, the way she said all true things:
"I think I love you more than you know what to do with."
He had laughed.
He still could not forgive himself for that. A short reflexive laugh, nervous, the kind that comes out when something lands too close and your body decides to deflect before your brain can intervene. And then he had said something: something about how she was being dramatic, something about how she was always saying things like that, something that did the work of filling the moment without engaging with what she had actually said, without touching what she had just handed him across a kitchen table with both hands and no protection at all.
She had smiled and let it go.
That was the part that stayed with him. Not the laugh, though the laugh was bad. It was the smile. The specific Karina smile that meant she had offered something and it had not been received and she was going to be gracious about that because she was always gracious and because she had been letting things go for months by then, reaching for him and finding him just slightly too far away, close enough to touch but never quite close enough to hold.
He had not said: I know. I know I love you badly and I don't know how to fix it but I want to learn how. He had not said anything close to that. He had laughed and deflected and she had smiled and picked up her chopsticks again and they had eaten the rest of dinner and the evening had continued in its ordinary texture and somewhere in that exchange the whole thing had started dying without either of them acknowledging it.
He would think about it the way you think about the exact second you took a wrong turn. Not with the dramatic clarity of a revelation but with the dull specific ache of something you already knew and chose not to act on. Clearly. Uselessly. Too late.
---
Six months is a long time to watch something die slowly.
It does not happen in a single scene. It happens in accumulations: the conversations that require slightly more effort than they used to, the silences that stretch a beat longer than comfortable, the way he'd reach for her hand when they were walking and she would take it and he would feel the difference between her hand in his and her hand in his three months ago, a difference he couldn't name but could feel with the precision of someone who had been paying attention to exactly this person for two years. He could feel her getting tired. He could feel the specific texture of someone who keeps reaching and keeps almost getting there and is starting to wonder if the distance is permanent.
He did not know how to close the distance. That was the honest thing. It was not that he didn't feel it or didn't want to. It was that every time he tried, the words came out wrong or didn't come out at all, and the feeling stayed where it always stayed, in the private locked room of himself where he kept everything important, and he had been living with the locked room for so long he had forgotten that other people couldn't see inside it.
The night it ended, the dinner had been quiet.
Not the good kind of quiet, not the comfortable silence of two people who had been together long enough to exist in the same space without filling it. This was the other kind. The kind that has weight to it, that sits on every surface of the room. He had cooked again, because cooking was something he could do without saying anything, and she had sat at the kitchen table and watched him do it with an expression he couldn't fully read but recognized the shape of: something being decided.
She waited until they had eaten. She was always considerate, even when she was about to break something.
She set her chopsticks down. She looked at him. She twisted the ring on her right hand, the small silver one she always wore, the only tell she had when she was nervous. Then she stopped doing it, because Karina did not let her nervous habits run unchecked, and she looked at him directly in the way she did when what she was about to say had cost her something to arrive at.
"I need to tell you something," she said.
He set down his chopsticks. He already knew, some animal part of him already knew, had known for weeks that they were approaching the edge of something and that the edge was getting closer. "Okay," he said.
"I'm tired," she said.
The word landed like something physical. Not a sharp pain. A heavy one. "Of what," he said, though he was already dreading the answer.
"Not of you." She said it carefully, with the deliberateness of someone who had rehearsed this because the rehearsal was the only way to get through it without falling apart. "I want you to know that first. I'm not tired of you. I'm tired of reaching." She paused. Breathed. "I feel like I've been reaching for you for a year and I keep almost getting there and then you step back, just slightly, just enough that I can't quite close the distance. And I'm not angry about it. I know it's not something you do on purpose." Her voice was steady and it was steady in the way that steadiness costs something. "But I'm tired."
Jihoon said nothing.
He was aware, with perfect clarity, that he was doing the exact thing she was describing in real time. Sitting in the face of the most honest thing she had ever said to him and going quiet, retreating into himself, making her wait for him to find the words while she sat across from him having just made herself completely vulnerable. He could feel the words inside him, all of them, the whole inventory of everything he should have said over the last year: the playlist, the tea, the banana milk, the dozens of individual decisions he had made because of her and never explained. He could feel all of it and he could not get any of it from where he kept it to somewhere she could actually find it.
The silence stretched. He watched something shift in her expression. Not hurt exactly. More like recognition. The specific recognition of someone who had hoped, one last time, that she would be proven wrong, and had just been proven right instead.
"I love you," he said finally. Too late, too small. The words arrived like something that had been sitting in a waiting room for too long.
"I know you do," she said, and the gentleness in her voice was the most devastating thing. "But Jihoon. I need to be able to find it. I need it to be somewhere I can reach." She looked at him with the steady directness that was the thing he loved most about her and the thing that was hardest to meet. "You love me somewhere I can't get to. And I have been trying to get there for so long."
He thought about the playlist. January, forty-seven songs, three weeks of work, each song chosen for a reason so specific it bordered on a love letter, handed to her like it was nothing because he didn't know how to hand her a love letter without pretending it was nothing. He thought about the banana milk in the fridge, the kind she had mentioned once and he had been buying ever since, sitting in the back behind his things so she'd always find it there. He thought about the tea outside her studio on February 14th, the forty-minute drive, the deliberate choice to leave no note because leaving a note would mean explaining and he didn't know how to explain without it feeling like too much.
He thought about all of it and he could not say any of it because he didn't know how to say it without it sounding like a defense, and she wasn't attacking him, she was just telling him what she needed, and what she needed was the one thing he had spent years not knowing how to give.
"I don't know how to be different," he said. The most honest thing he had said to her in months. Also too late.
She looked at him for a long time. He watched the decision settle in her face. Not coldly. With the specific sadness of someone who has been holding something for a long time and has finally reached the limit of what they can hold.
She got up from the table. He watched her move to the entryway and put on her coat, the grey one she always wore in autumn, slowly and with the care of someone performing a deliberate action. She came back to him. He sat very still. She leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead, soft and deliberate, and held them there for a moment, the way you hold something you are putting down carefully so it doesn't break.
"Take care of yourself," she said against his hair.
Then she straightened. She picked up her bag. She walked out the door.
He listened to her footsteps in the hallway. He listened to the elevator. He sat at the kitchen table and the apartment made its small evening sounds around him and the city was still going dark outside the window and her glass still had water in it and the dishes were still between them and he thought: call her. Get up right now and call her.
He did not call her.
He sat there for a very long time. The water in her glass caught the light. He stared at it until the light changed.
That was his first mistake. Or maybe his hundredth. He had long since lost track of the ordering.
---
The first month was the worst in the specific way of something new. The sharpness of it. He woke up every morning and there was a half-second, exactly one half-second, where he had not yet remembered, and the morning was just a morning. And then he remembered. And the day started over from the beginning with the weight of it.
He learned the shape of his apartment without her in it. It was a different shape than he had expected. The couch seemed to face the wrong direction even though it hadn't moved. The kitchen felt too large for one person. He kept unconsciously leaving space for her: hesitating before sitting on the left side of the couch because that had been hers, finding himself at the convenience store standing in the snack aisle for too long before remembering he didn't need to buy the kind she liked anymore. He stood there in the fluorescent light of a Family Mart at ten o'clock on a Wednesday holding a packet of shrimp crackers she always picked up and putting it back and standing there for another thirty seconds like putting it back was a thing that required recovery.
She had left things behind. Not many, because Karina was organized in all things and she had taken what was hers with the same deliberate care she brought to everything. But there were the small unofficial things that accumulate in two years of a relationship, the things that belong to the space between two people rather than to either of them individually. A hair tie on the bathroom shelf, pale pink, slightly stretched from use. A mug she had claimed the second week, blue ceramic with a small chip on the handle that she had used anyway because she was sentimental about objects once they had become hers. Three packets of banana milk in the back of the fridge that he had bought the week before she left, out of habit so automatic it had not required any thought at all.
He found the banana milk on a Tuesday, a week after. He had opened the fridge to get water and there they were, sitting in a row in the back, and he stood with the refrigerator door open and looked at them and felt the specific absurdity of the situation: he had been buying this for a year, a thing he did not like, the only evidence of which was sitting in the fridge of an apartment she no longer came to, and she had never known.
He kept the mug. He used it sometimes without thinking and then thought about it.
He started the note on his phone in the second week. He didn't know exactly why he started it. He told himself it was to process, to put the words somewhere so they stopped pressing against the inside of his skull, but really, if he was honest, he was writing the things he should have said while he'd had the chance. A record of everything he had kept in the private room and never let her find. He titled it nothing. He opened the notes app and started a new note with no title and he just wrote.
The playlist in January. 47 songs. Each one chosen for a specific reason, a specific thing about her or about us. I chose song eleven because it has a bridge that does the thing her voice does when she's explaining something she loves. I chose song twenty-three because it was playing the first night she fell asleep on my couch and I stayed up for two hours trying not to move. I never told her why I chose them. I handed her a playlist like it was nothing because I didn't know how to hand her a love letter. I should have told her why I chose them.
The tea outside the studio on the 14th of February. I drove 40 minutes. I left it at the desk with no note because leaving a note meant explaining and explaining meant saying the thing out loud and I didn't know how to do that without feeling like too much. She texted the group chat that someone had left tea and didn't know who it was. I read it and said nothing.
The banana milk. I don't like banana milk. I have been buying it for a year because she mentioned once, exactly once, while we were watching something, that banana milk was the thing that felt most like comfort food to her. That's all. One sentence. I have bought it every week since.
He read it back after writing it and the feeling that came was not catharsis. It was something closer to nausea. Not at what he had written but at the gap between what was on the page and what she had been able to find. If she could have seen this. If she could have seen any of this. If he had ever once opened his mouth and said any of it in the direction of her face.
He did not send her the note. He did not have the right to send her the note. He did not have the right to show her all the ways he had loved her now that she had already left.
The not-calling was a choice in the first week, when he still had logic behind it: she needed space, she had made a decision and it wasn't his place to pressure her, he needed to respect what she'd said. By the end of the second week the logic had worn thin but the silence had started to harden into something with its own momentum, and every day he didn't call made it harder to call, and every day the thing he should have said moved further from the moment it should have been said in. He watched the distance grow and did nothing about it, which was so consistent with who he had been in the relationship that he almost couldn't believe he was surprised it was happening.
He did not call. She did not call. The silence held its shape and got heavier.
---
Ahn Yujin had been his best friend since they were nine years old, which meant she had watched him be emotionally unavailable for approximately twenty years and had developed the specific patience and vocabulary of someone who has chosen to keep showing up for a person who makes showing up difficult.
She showed up on a Saturday in the fifth week with two cups of coffee from the place near his studio and the expression of someone who had already decided that today was the day this was going to be dealt with.
"You look like someone who has been sleeping three hours a night and telling everyone he's fine," she said, walking past him into the apartment without being invited.
"I'm sleeping fine," he said.
"You have the specific face of someone who is lying about sleep," she said. She surveyed the apartment: the dishes that had been washed and stacked but not put away for several days, the curtains still closed at noon, the general air of a space that was being maintained at the minimum viable level by someone who didn't have the energy for more than that. She did not comment on any of it. She sat down on the couch, in the middle of it, and held out his cup.
That was the thing about Yujin. Twenty years of knowing him had taught her that pushing Jihoon toward something produced nothing useful. The mechanism had to be slower than that. You created the conditions and you waited and eventually, if the conditions were right and the waiting was patient enough, he arrived at the thing on his own.
He sat. He drank his coffee. He looked at the middle distance.
After a while she said: "Talk."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Jihoon."
He looked at her.
"I have known you since we were in primary school," she said. "I have watched you do this your entire life. You get hurt and you go quiet and you sit in the quiet and you convince yourself the quiet is the same as being okay. It is not the same as being okay."
He turned his coffee cup in his hands. The mug she had claimed. He had not noticed he'd used it.
"She said she was tired," he said finally. "Of reaching. Of reaching for me and not being able to get there."
Yujin listened. Her face did not change but her stillness shifted in quality, became more attentive.
"And I sat there," he said. "I sat there and I had every single thing I should have said right there inside me and I said nothing. And then she kissed my forehead and left and I sat at the kitchen table for two hours and didn't call her."
The apartment was quiet.
"Do you know what the actual problem is," Yujin said. Not a question.
"That I loved her badly."
"That you loved her privately," she said. "Those are different. Badly implies you didn't mean it. You meant every bit of it. You just kept it in a room she didn't have the key to, and then you were surprised when she got tired of trying to find the door." She set down her cup. "Two years, Jihoon."
"Two years."
"And in two years, how many times did you tell her why you loved her. Specifically. Out loud."
He didn't answer.
"How many times did you explain the things you did for her," Yujin said. "The playlist, the tea, whatever it was. How many times did you say: I did this because of you, I did this because I noticed this thing about you, I did this because."
"I don't know how to do that without it feeling like too much," he said.
"Too much for who," Yujin said.
He looked at her.
"Too much for you," she said. "It feels like too much to you. Like exposure. Like making yourself visible in a way that can be rejected." She held his gaze. "But Jihoon. She was already there. She was right in front of you, already in it, already loving you. The exposure happened the moment she decided to be with you. You were the only one still protecting yourself."
The delivery scooter outside went past making too much noise. The apartment settled back into quiet.
"She wasn't wrong to leave," he said.
"No," Yujin agreed. "She wasn't."
"So what am I supposed to do with that."
"You're supposed to figure out whether you're going to do something about it or whether you're going to sit in this apartment for the next year being politely devastated and calling it moving on." She picked up her coffee. "I have watched you be in love with her for two years and loving her quietly like it was something you were protecting instead of something you were sharing. And I have watched her try to find what she could feel was there and not be able to reach it. And I am telling you that you are not a bad person and you are not a person who loved her wrong on purpose. You are a person who never learned how to say the true thing out loud and that is a thing that can be learned. But only if you decide to."
He stared at his coffee. "I don't have the right to call her."
Yujin looked at him with the expression that meant she was exercising active restraint. "The right," she said. "Right. Okay. You are going to sit here and be very principled about your rights while the woman you love finds someone who isn't."
"That's not."
"It's not a criticism," she said. "It's a prediction. One of you has to say something eventually. And if you're not going to, someone else is going to say something to her." She stood up, picked up her bag. "I'm going to keep showing up. You're going to keep being difficult about it. Somewhere in there you're going to figure out that the thing you're protecting yourself from is the only thing that could actually fix this."
She left. He sat in the apartment and looked at the note on his phone and did not call.
---
Karina did not fall apart.
She had made the decision with her whole self, carefully, over weeks, not in a single impulsive moment but in the accumulated way of someone who had been doing the math for a long time and had finally looked at the answer. She stood by it because that was how she made decisions: completely, with full ownership of what came after. She was not going to unravel it with doubt. She was not going to give herself the luxury of falling apart over something she had chosen with her eyes open.
What she had not accounted for was the silence.
The specific silence of a breakup that ends quietly, without a villain, without anything to be angry at. She had left relationships before and they had been easier in the sense that there had been something to push against, some wrong to point to. This was not that. There was no wrong. There was only the accumulated tiredness of reaching and the forehead kiss and her glass still on his table and then nothing. No shouting. No door slamming. No dramatic scene to replay and examine and reconstruct. Just the quiet.
She stayed busy because she had always stayed busy when things were hard. Schedules filled. Rehearsals. Appearances. The professional machinery of her life moved forward the way it always had, and she moved with it, and most days it was enough to keep the quiet at the edges where it was manageable.
But in the hours she couldn't fill, the question surfaced. Not whether she had been right about what was wrong. She had been right about that. The question was smaller and more specific and therefore more painful: did I leave too soon? Did I give up on something that could have been different? She did not allow herself to sit with it for long when it came because she knew where sitting with it led. She redirected. She found something to do. She was very good at finding something to do.
It was in the third week, at eleven on a Thursday night, that she made the mistake of opening Instagram.
She was lying in bed. She had been trying to sleep for an hour. She opened Instagram out of habit, the mindless scrolling that passes for winding down, and she was three seconds into it when the post appeared.
Yujin had posted a photo.
It was taken in what looked like a studio, the kind of low-warm-light photo that results from someone turning the overhead off and using a lamp because the overhead was too harsh. Yujin was in the foreground, turned slightly, mid-laugh at something off-camera. And in the background, slightly out of focus but entirely recognizable, was Jihoon.
He was at the mixing board. His back was half-turned. He was not looking at the camera. There was something about the way he was sitting, the specific set of his shoulders, that told her he was in the middle of working, that the photo had been taken without his awareness, that Yujin was documenting an evening in his studio the way you document an evening with someone you are comfortable enough with to photograph without asking.
Karina looked at the photo for a long time.
She told herself, immediately and systematically, every reasonable thing: Yujin was his childhood friend. Studios were where Jihoon lived. People photographed their evenings with their friends. There was nothing in this photo that was not entirely normal. She went through every reasonable thing and she believed all of them and the photo still sat in her chest like a weight she had not asked to carry.
She closed Instagram. She put her phone face down on the nightstand. She lay in the dark and looked at the ceiling and thought: this is not mine to feel. We broke up. I have no claim to anything he does or who he does it with.
She thought this very clearly and with full conviction and she did not sleep for two more hours.
In the morning she opened Instagram and looked at the post again. She studied it in the daylight and found nothing in it that was not entirely normal and put her phone away and went to rehearsal and did not think about it. Mostly. She thought about it in the car on the way there and she thought about it for approximately three minutes during a water break and she thought about it on the way home and then she put it in the same place she put the question about whether she'd left too soon and she left it there.
But the thing about things you put away is that the putting away gets harder every time.
---
The second month was different in texture from the first.
The sharp immediate grief had worn into something with less edge but more mass, a low-grade constant weight that he had started to mistake for okay. He was functioning. He went to the studio and he worked and he answered messages and he ate real food on most days and he showed up when he was supposed to show up. From the outside he looked like a person who was getting through it.
Yujin was there constantly, which was not new but was now necessary in a way it had not been before. She showed up at his apartment with food when he forgot to eat. She stayed at his studio until midnight on the nights when he went quiet in a way that meant something was wrong. She sat on the equipment case with her feet up and her phone in her hand and let him work, not talking, just being there in the way of someone who understood that sometimes presence without demand was the only kind of help that worked. He was grateful for this in a way he could not fully articulate, which was very on-brand for him, and Yujin understood this and did not require him to articulate it.
He did not think about how it looked from the outside.
On a Wednesday in the seventh week, Giselle texted him. She texted because Giselle was the kind of person who kept track of how people in her orbit were doing, and she had noticed, and Giselle noticed everything.
how are you actually doing
fine, he typed back.
jihoon.
He looked at the message for a moment. Then he typed: getting through it.
I heard yujin's been with you a lot
He didn't respond to that. Not because there was anything to respond to but because the phrasing of it landed in a way he hadn't expected: I heard. Which meant other people had noticed too. Which meant the things he did not think about had been noted by people in the shared world that he and Karina occupied.
He put his phone down and went back to work and did not think about it. He was very skilled at not thinking about things. He had been practicing for years.
---
Karina heard about it from Sooyeon.
Not as a confrontation. As a casual thing. They were having lunch, a Thursday, the kind of catch-up lunch they had every few weeks where Sooyeon arrived with an agenda hidden inside conversation. She had just finished telling a story about something that had happened at a shoot when she reached for her water glass and said, almost as an afterthought:
"By the way. I ran into Giselle last week."
"How is she?" Karina said.
"Good. She mentioned Jihoon." A pause that was not quite casual. "Said he's been spending a lot of time with that friend of his. Yujin. Like, a lot." Sooyeon turned her water glass. "Just so you know."
Karina picked up her chopsticks. She ate a piece of tofu. She chewed it and swallowed it and she said: "That's good. It's good he has people around him."
"Right," Sooyeon said.
"Yujin's been his friend since they were kids. It makes sense."
"Totally," Sooyeon said.
They moved on to something else. Karina moved with the conversation without difficulty, asking questions, laughing at the right moments, being entirely present. She was very good at being entirely present while processing something somewhere else.
That night she did the thing she had promised herself she would not do.
She went through Yujin's Instagram. Not creepily, or at least she told herself not creepily, just the casual browse of someone with nothing specific in mind. Just looking. She scrolled back through the posts and found four photos that placed Yujin either at Jihoon's studio or in his vicinity. In one of them he was visible in the background. In another he was in the foreground, laughing at something Yujin had said, a laugh she recognized because she had been collecting his laughs for two years and could identify each one, and the one in the photo was the comfortable one, the easy one, the one he used when he was not performing anything.
She closed the app. She sat on her bed in the dark and she asked herself, very specifically and without sentiment: is this jealousy or is this information?
She concluded, after some consideration, that it was both. And that she was not entitled to the jealousy and she did not know what to do with the information. And that neither of these conclusions was particularly useful for sleeping.
She put her phone away. She lay down. She stared at the ceiling.
She thought about the dinner. About telling him she was tired. About the silence that followed, the specific silence of waiting for someone to say something and watching them not say it, and the way she had felt in that silence: not angry, not hurt, just very tired in the exact way she had described, the tired of someone who has been doing the reaching for both of them for a long time.
And then she thought: but he was sitting right there. He did not leave. He was not absent. He was sitting right there and he could not say the thing, and that means one of two things. Either there was nothing to say, or there was everything to say and he did not know how.
She had assumed, when she left, that it was the former. That the thing she had been reaching for was not there the way she had thought it was, that she had been constructing something out of small gestures that added up to less than she'd believed.
For the first time, lying in the dark three weeks into the second month, she considered the latter.
She considered it for approximately forty-five minutes. Then she put it away, because considering it was not something she could afford to do at midnight, and she went to sleep.
---
The third month was when the misunderstandings calcified.
On Jihoon's side, it started with Sungwoo.
They were in the middle of a session, mid-afternoon, working on a track that was almost finished and refusing to be. Sungwoo was playing something back, listening with the focused inward attention of someone trying to locate a problem they could already hear but hadn't yet identified, and without looking up from the board he said:
"Saw Karina at that new place in Itaewon last weekend. The one by the overpass."
Jihoon kept his eyes on the monitors. "Yeah?"
"She seemed good. She was with a group." A pause. "There was some guy with her. Tall, from Hybe I think, I've seen him at events. They seemed pretty comfortable."
He nodded. He said something neutral about the track. He adjusted a level that did not need adjusting.
He did not say another word about it for the rest of the session. After Sungwoo left he sat in the studio alone for a long time with the track playing on loop, not listening to it, the sound just filling the room so the room wasn't completely silent.
He picked up his phone. He opened Instagram. He looked at Karina's profile and there was nothing there that told him anything, her posts were professional and infrequent and gave nothing away, and he closed the app and opened the note and stared at the entries and added a new one at the bottom:
Some guy from Hybe. Pretty comfortable.
Third month. Sungwoo saw you with someone. I don't know who he is. I don't have the right to know. But I sat in the studio for an hour after he left thinking about the word comfortable and what it means when someone uses that word about two people, and I thought: of course. Of course she found someone who knows how to be easy to be with. Of course it didn't take long. She was always going to be fine. She has always been fine. She left because she knew she would be fine without me and she was right.
He did not send it. He closed the app. He put his headphones on and played the track again, louder this time, until the music was the only thing in the room.
Yujin called at eleven. She had an instinct for the specific gravity of his silences that had never required explanation.
"You heard something," she said.
"Sungwoo said she's with someone."
"He said he saw her with someone," Yujin said carefully. "That's different."
"He said they seemed comfortable."
"Sungwoo once told me he thought two strangers at a restaurant were married because they sat on the same side of the booth. His read on situations is not reliable."
"Yujin."
"Jihoon." Her voice was steady, the particular steadiness she deployed when he was spiraling and needed something to hold onto. "What are you doing right now."
"Sitting in the studio."
"Have you eaten."
"I'm fine."
"That's not what I asked." A pause. "I'm coming over."
"You don't have to."
"I know I don't have to," she said. "I'm going to anyway."
She showed up forty minutes later with ramyeon from the place on the corner and a very deliberate absence of commentary about his state, which was its own form of commentary. She made the ramyeon in his studio kitchen while he sat at the board and she put a bowl in front of him and sat across from him and ate her own, and they did not talk about Karina. They talked about the track. They talked about other things. She stayed until midnight and then she left, and he went to sleep at a reasonable hour for the first time in a week.
He told himself the gratitude he felt about this was purely platonic and entirely uncomplicated.
He did not tell himself this because it was complicated. He told himself this because it should have been obvious and because the fact that he felt the need to say it internally suggested that someone, somewhere, might be reading it differently.
He did not think about this for very long.
---
On Karina's side, the third month was when the wondering tipped into something with more weight.
It started innocuously enough. She had been out with Minseok and a group of people from the label, a work dinner that had extended into drinks, easy and social and uncomplicated in all the ways she needed things to be uncomplicated right now. Minseok was in production at a connected label, smart and funny and the kind of person who made conversation feel effortless, and she had found herself laughing at something he said and thinking: this is easy. This is what easy feels like.
She was not falling for him. She was clear-eyed enough to know the difference between finding someone's company restorative and actually wanting them. What she wanted was the ease. The no-stakes quality of it. The way she could just talk and laugh and exist without the constant low-level work of trying to bridge a distance she couldn't quite measure.
But she was seen. She was seen at the dinner and she was seen at two coffees before that and she was seen laughing, and their world was small, and the people who saw her were connected to people who were connected to Jihoon, and the thing about small worlds is that they carry information whether or not anyone intended to send it.
She did not know this yet.
What she knew was that Giselle called her in the fourth week of the third month, on a Sunday, with the particular energy of someone who is calling for a stated reason and an unstated one.
"Hey, so, Jihoon's coming to my birthday party next month," Giselle said. "I wanted you to know in advance. In case you needed to prepare or whatever."
"I'll be fine," Karina said.
"I know you'll be fine. I just wanted to tell you." A pause. "He's bringing Yujin."
Karina said: "Okay."
"Just. You know. Fair warning."
"Giselle," she said. "I'm fine. We're adults. It's your birthday, I'm not going to make it weird."
"I know," Giselle said. "I know you're not. I just thought you should know."
After she hung up Karina sat with her phone in her lap and thought about the photo in Yujin's post, the one she had looked at too many times and tried to have reasonable thoughts about. She thought about what Sooyeon had relayed, that Giselle had mentioned he'd been spending a lot of time with Yujin. She thought about the ease with which Giselle had said he's bringing Yujin, like it was an established thing, like it was simply the current state of affairs.
She twisted the ring on her right hand, the small silver one, and then she stopped doing it.
She opened her phone. She texted Minseok: are you going to Giselle's birthday thing next month?
He replied in three minutes: yeah, mutual friend invited me. you?
yeah, she typed back.
She put her phone down. She looked at the ceiling. She thought: I made the right call. I left because I was tired and I made the right call and he has moved on and that is good. That is good for both of us.
She thought this with full conviction. She also did not quite believe it.
---
Giselle's birthday party was held at a bar in Hongdae that someone had rented out for the night, warm light and music pitched at the exact volume that made conversation feel intimate rather than impossible. The kind of party that looks effortless because the person throwing it has excellent taste and has put a lot of effort into appearing effortless.
Jihoon arrived with Yujin. She had her hand in the crook of his arm the way she had walked with him since they were teenagers, the unconscious familiar placement of it, because she was shorter and crowds required negotiating and he was a useful windbreak and they had been doing this since before either of them thought about how it looked. He was not thinking about how it looked. He was thinking about whether Karina was already there.
She was.
He saw her before she saw him, which gave him approximately four seconds before she looked up, and he used those four seconds to do something with his face. He arranged it into something neutral. He found a point slightly past her shoulder to look at. He was very practiced at this.
She looked up. Their eyes met across the room.
Four months, the tail end of them. The distance between them was maybe fifteen feet and felt like something that had a weather system inside it. She was wearing something dark red he had never seen before and her hair was down and she looked like a person who had been doing fine, which was both the best and the worst possible information.
Neither of them moved. Neither of them said anything. He looked away first.
They did not move toward each other.
Yujin guided him toward the bar with the subtle expertise of someone who had decided he needed a drink and something to do with his hands before he did something inadvisable. He got a drink and talked to Giselle for a while and talked to Sungwoo and talked to people whose names he retained for approximately the length of the conversation, all of it the performance of a person who was entirely present at a social event and not tracking a specific person across the room via peripheral vision with the accuracy of someone who had spent two years learning exactly where she stood in any given space.
He was tracking her across the room via peripheral vision.
She was with Sooyeon. She was laughing at something. She moved through the party with the ease she always had in social spaces, the way a room arranged itself slightly around her without her doing anything to make that happen, and he watched her and felt the specific quality of missing someone who is right in front of you which is its own distinct and particularly unpleasant variety of pain.
And then she was talking to someone he didn't recognize.
He noticed the man the way you notice things you have been dreading: with the specific unhappy clarity of something you expected and still were not ready for. Tall, easy posture, the body language of someone who was entirely comfortable in his own skin and entirely comfortable talking to her. She was using the bright social smile she wore for events, the performed one, and then she laughed at something he said and it shifted, the laugh coming out differently, more real, and she touched his arm briefly in the way she touched things she liked. And then the man said something else and put his hand on her shoulder, light and unthinking, the way you touch someone you are already comfortable enough with to touch without deciding to, and she did not move away from it.
Jihoon looked away.
He looked at the wall across the room. He took a drink. He counted, very deliberately, to twenty. He looked back.
They were still talking. She was still smiling. The man was leaning slightly toward her in the specific way of someone testing a radius.
The thought arrived fully formed and unwelcome: that's him. The guy from Hybe. That's the one Sungwoo saw her with. That's the one who's easy to be around. He had no evidence for this. He had one sentence from Sungwoo and a person across the room whose name he did not know. He had constructed a story from these two things that may have had nothing to do with each other.
He knew he had constructed a story. He believed the story anyway.
Yujin materialized at his elbow. She had been watching him watch the room with the alert attention of someone who already knew what she was about to find.
"You need to stop," she said, low.
"I'm not doing anything."
"You have been staring at her for the last four minutes."
"I've been looking around the room."
"Jihoon." She touched his arm. "I can see your jaw from here. Stop."
He turned toward the bar. He ordered another drink. He faced the bar and Yujin stood beside him and they talked about something inconsequential, her doing most of the work while he contributed enough to qualify as participating. He managed this for twenty minutes. He was very focused about the twenty minutes. He did not turn around.
Then Yujin laughed at something he said, the loud immediate laugh she had, and she grabbed his arm to steady herself in the way she had been doing since they were teenagers, and he felt her lean into his side briefly, and he heard, from across the room, from the direction he had been carefully not looking:
Nothing. There was no sound from that direction. He was projecting.
But he looked over his shoulder anyway.
Karina was not looking at him.
Karina was looking at Yujin. Specifically at Yujin's hand on his arm and the angle of Yujin's body toward his and the ease of the whole thing, the two-decades-of-friendship ease that looked, to someone who didn't know the history, exactly like something else.
He watched Karina look at them. He watched something move through her expression, something quick and specific that she shut down with the speed of someone who had been managing their face for years. Her jaw tightened slightly. Her eyes went neutral. She turned back to her group.
He stood at the bar and felt the shape of the misunderstanding with exact precision. He could see it from both sides simultaneously. He knew what she thought she had seen. He knew what she had actually seen. He knew he could cross the room right now and say: Yujin is my childhood friend, she has been my childhood friend for twenty years, there is nothing there and there has never been anything there. He could say it in thirty seconds and change the shape of the next hour.
He did not cross the room.
He did not cross the room because they were broken up and it was not his place to explain himself and he did not have the right and every time he had a moment where he could have said the thing he chose the silence instead because the silence was the habit and the habit was the problem and he was standing in a bar watching himself do the exact problem in real time and doing nothing about it.
Yujin looked at him. She had seen his face. She had seen where he was looking.
"Jihoon," she said, very quietly.
"I know," he said.
"Then do something about it."
He ordered another drink instead.
---
He took the stairs because he needed to move. The elevator would have meant standing still and standing still right now felt like something that might kill him. He needed his feet on something. He needed the sound of his own footsteps.
The stairwell was concrete and cold and the noise of the party died floor by floor until there was nothing left of it, and when he hit the bottom he pushed through the door into the parking garage and stood there in the fluorescent light and just breathed.
His car was three rows over. He wasn't going to drive. He knew that without thinking about it, not in the state he was in, not after everything he'd put into his body tonight. But he walked to it anyway because it was something to walk toward. He stood with his back against the driver's side door, hands in his pockets, eyes on the concrete.
He was trying to locate some version of okay when the stairwell door opened again.
He assumed Yujin. He had told her he was leaving and she had looked at him the way she always looked at him when she disagreed and was planning to express it in person.
It was not Yujin.
Karina came through the door fast, head down, coat in her hand not on it, bag on one shoulder. She was leaving. He could see it in all of her: the threshold crossed, the decision made, the specific forward momentum of someone who is getting out before the feeling passes. She was heading for her car on the other side of the garage.
She looked up and saw him and stopped.
The garage was quiet. The fluorescents hummed. The bass from three floors above moved through the concrete like a slow pulse.
Neither of them said anything for a moment.
Then Karina said: "Of course."
Not to him exactly. More like she'd been expecting this. More like she was so tired of being surprised.
"Of course what," he said.
"Nothing." She started walking again, angling past him toward her car.
"Jimin."
She stopped. Turned. And the look on her face was not the one he had been watching across the room all night, the careful social face, the managed face. This was the other one. The one she saved for things that actually cost her something.
"Don't," she said. "Don't say my name like you have something to say. You never have something to say. That's the whole problem, isn't it."
He opened his mouth. Closed it.
"Four months," she said. "You couldn't call me in four months. You couldn't text. You couldn't say one word when I walked out the door. But Yujin gets you at the studio every night, apparently. Yujin gets to be the one who shows up." She stopped. Pressed her lips together. Looked away. "Never mind."
"Say it," he said.
"I said never mind."
"Say it."
She turned back to him and the look in her eyes was past tired. It was the specific look of someone who has been carrying something very heavy for a very long time and has finally gotten close enough to put it down.
"You've been with her constantly," she said. "Since the day I left. Giselle told me. Sooyeon told me. I've seen the photos. She's at your studio, she's at your apartment, she's everywhere, and I spent two years standing right in front of you asking you to let me in and you couldn't. But her." The word came out clipped. Controlled. "You seem to manage just fine with her."
"That's not what that is," he said.
"Then what is it."
"She's been my best friend since we were nine years old."
"I know who she is." Her voice rose, and the control in it cracked slightly at the seam. "I know exactly who she is. I'm not an idiot. But you know what I also know? That you can talk to her. That you can be around her without turning everything into something you have to protect behind seventeen layers of nothing. That she gets the version of you I spent two years trying to find." She stopped. Breathed. "So yeah. I think I'm allowed to find that a little hard to look at."
"You think I'm." He stopped. He felt something tighten in his chest that had been tightening all night, all four months, longer than that. "You think there's something between us."
"I don't know what I think."
"Then let me tell you." He pushed off the car. "There is nothing there. There has never been anything there. She is around because I have been falling apart, and she is the one person who knows how to be in the same room as me when that's happening without making it worse. That is the whole story. That is all of it."
She looked at him for a moment. He watched her believe it. And then something else moved through her face, something that wasn't relief, something that was worse than the jealousy had been.
"You can say things to her," she said, and her voice had changed entirely, the jealousy gone out of it and something older underneath. "You couldn't say them to me. Two years, Jihoon. I was right there."
She stopped. Her breath came out uneven. She looked away from him for a moment, jaw tight, and then back.
"I tried," she said. "I want you to know that. I tried everything I knew how to try. I kept thinking, if I just wait a little longer, if I say it differently, if I stop reaching so hard maybe he'll come the rest of the way himself. And then I got tired. And I left. And then I spent four months trying to convince myself I'd made the right call while you apparently said nothing and felt nothing and just got on with it."
"I did not get on with it," he said, and there was an edge in his voice now, something that had been sitting in him all night. "Not for one single day."
She looked at him. "Then why didn't you say so."
He felt something move in his chest that had been sitting there all night. All four months.
"I could say the same thing," he said.
She blinked. "What."
"You left," he said, "and three months later Sungwoo sees you out with some guy from Hybe. Pretty comfortable, was the word he used. And I'm supposed to what. Assume it's nothing. Sit in my studio and tell myself you're fine and it's nothing and I don't have the right to feel anything about it because we broke up and this is what happens when people break up."
The look on her face changed. "Are you serious."
"I'm not accusing you of anything."
"You absolutely are."
"I'm saying I don't know what it is. That's all. I don't know and I didn't ask and I've been sitting with that for a month."
"His name is Minseok," she said, and her voice had gone very flat, the specific flatness of someone choosing precision over anger because precision is more devastating. "He works at a connected label. I have spoken to him at three work events. He is not my anything. He is barely someone I know." She looked at him. "That is who Sungwoo saw me with."
He said nothing.
"You built a whole story," she said. "Out of one sentence from Sungwoo. And you sat with it for a month and you didn't ask and you didn't say anything and you just let it sit there and become whatever you needed it to be." Her voice cracked slightly, not with sadness, with something more like incredulity. "That is the same thing you did to me for two years. That is exactly the same thing. You kept everything locked up and you made decisions about what was real based on what you could see from the outside, and you never once just said the thing."
"I know," he said.
"Don't," she said. "Don't just say I know and have that be the whole answer. That is not an answer. That has never been an answer." Her voice rose again, the flatness gone. "You built a whole story about Minseok and sat with it for a month and said nothing. That is exactly what you did to me for two years. You kept everything locked up and made decisions about what was real from the outside and never once just said the thing. And now you want to stand here and say I know like that closes it." She looked at him. "So say something. Actually say something. Because I am standing right here and I have been standing right here and you still won't."
He looked at her. Something had shifted. Not a revelation, nothing so clean as that. More like something that had been pressing against the inside of him for a very long time finally finding the seam.
"The tea," he said. His voice came out rough. "I need to tell you something about the tea."
She was still looking at him. "What tea."
"February 14th. I drove forty minutes to your studio. Left tea at the desk. No note. Because I didn't know how to explain why I was doing it without it coming out wrong." He watched something shift in her face. "The playlist in January. Forty-seven songs. I chose every single one for a specific reason: things I noticed about you, things that reminded me of you, things I wanted to say and couldn't. I handed it to you like it was nothing because I didn't know how to hand you a love letter." He couldn't stop. The words were coming out of somewhere they had been sitting for months and they didn't feel like relief, they felt like something tearing. "The banana milk in the back of my fridge. I don't like banana milk. I have been buying it for a year because you mentioned once, one time, that it was the thing that tasted most like comfort food to you. One sentence. I wrote it down. I have been buying it ever since." He looked at her. "I have a note on my phone. Forty-odd entries. Everything I kept where you couldn't find it. Everything I did because of you that I never once explained. The proof that I was completely in it and completely unable to show you and I knew that, Jimin, I have always known that, and I still let you walk out the door without saying any of it."
The garage was very quiet.
Karina's throat moved.
"You had a list," she said, and her voice had gone somewhere else entirely, not angry, not controlled, just completely undone. "You kept all of that. For a year. And you never said a word of it to me."
He didn't answer. There was no answer. She was right and she had always been right and hearing it said plainly, in her voice, in a parking garage at midnight, was a different thing entirely from knowing it alone.
"I kept waiting," she said, and her breath was already unsteady, the word kept catching on something. "After I left. I went home that night and I sat with my phone and I kept thinking, he'll call. He has to call. Because I know he's in it. I know there's something there. And I waited." She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth for a moment. Dropped it. "I waited and you didn't call and I told myself I'd made the right call and I never believed it. Not for one day. Not for one hour. And now you're telling me you had a list. You had a whole list." Her voice broke on the last word, small and complete. "Why didn't you just call me. Why couldn't you just call."
"Because I was terrified." His voice was rough. "Because I thought if I called and you confirmed it I wouldn't know how to survive that. I thought not knowing was safer than knowing for certain." He looked at her. "Both of those things were wrong."
She made a sound that was not quite a sob, something smaller than that but in the same country, and her hands came up to his chest. Palms first. Then her fingers curled into the fabric of his jacket and she wasn't pulling him closer, she wasn't pushing him away, she was just holding on to the fabric the way you hold on to something when everything else is moving.
"You can open up to Yujin," she said again, barely audible now, into his collar, "but you couldn't—" She didn't finish. She didn't have to finish.
That was the one that did it. Not the argument. Not the accusations. Not even the four months of silence laid out between them like evidence. That sentence, unfinished, repeated: you can open up to Yujin but you couldn't. Said not in anger but in a grief so specific and so old it had its own texture. That was the one that cracked him all the way open.
He put his arms around her.
She cried in the parking garage under the flat white fluorescent light and he held her and he could not say anything that would be worth saying, and she let herself be held because she was so tired of having nowhere to put it.
Then her breathing changed. The crying tipped past the point where she could manage it, short sharp pulls of breath that wouldn't even out, her hands gripping his jacket tighter, her whole body working against itself. He had never seen her like this. He reached to hold her closer and didn't know the right pressure, didn't know the right words, had no idea what to do because he had spent two years keeping himself at precisely the distance required to make it impossible to learn.
The stairwell door opened.
He registered it without looking. Assumed Yujin.
Wrong sound. He looked up over Karina's shoulder.
Kim Minjeong stood in the doorway in her party outfit, car key in one hand, door handle in the other. She had come down for her coat. She took in the scene in the first second: Karina's shoulders, the sound of her breathing, Jihoon's arms around her. Something moved through her face. Not slow. Quick and specific, the way pain moves through someone who loves the person they're looking at and does not have time for it right now.
She looked at Jihoon over Karina's shoulder. One beat. Whatever she felt about what she was seeing, she put it somewhere else. Her jaw set.
She crossed the garage. Car key still in her hand. When she reached them she stepped between them without asking, not violently, not with words, just with her body, placing herself in the space and making clear the space was hers now. She turned Karina away from him, one hand on her shoulder and one at the back of her head, and started talking to her low and steady. Not about anything specific. Just sound. Just: I'm here, I have you, I'm here.
Jihoon stepped back.
He watched Minjeong hold her together with the ease of someone who had always shown up, who had the specific knowledge that only comes from years of proximity and actually being there. And he stood in the garage with his arms empty and felt the full weight of what he had not been. Not bad. Not absent. Just always, always at the distance required to avoid learning how.
After a moment Karina's breathing started to slow.
Minjeong looked at him over her shoulder. Not angry. Not unkind. Just clear, the way someone is clear when they have assessed a situation completely.
"You've done enough," she said quietly. "You need to go."
He looked at Karina, face turned away, pressed into Minjeong's shoulder, breathing ragged but slowing. He nodded.
He took out his phone and called a car. Stood by the garage wall while the app counted down. Did not look back at them. The two minutes were the longest two minutes of the night. When the car arrived at street level he took the stairs back up, walked out into the cold, and got in.
---
The ride home was twenty minutes.
He sat in the back of a stranger's car and did not look at his phone and did not turn on music and did not do anything except sit with what was in him, which was considerable.
She hadn't finished it. Her voice had gone somewhere he didn't have a name for, and then it had broken, and she hadn't finished it. And he kept hearing the place where it broke. Not the accusation. He'd heard accusations before, he knew how to hold those at a slight distance and examine them. This was different. This was the sound of someone who had waited for something for a very long time and had just understood they'd been waiting alone.
I went home that night and I sat with my phone.
He thought about that. Her, sitting with her phone. The specific image of it: her apartment, late, the phone in her lap, waiting for it to ring. Waiting for him. And him, across the city, sitting at his kitchen table looking at her glass of water, telling himself not calling was the respectful thing, the careful thing, the right thing. Both of them alone. Both of them waiting for the other one to say it first.
She had kept waiting. That was the part he couldn't get past. Not that she'd been hurt. He'd known that, in the abstract, the way you know things you won't let yourself look at directly. But she had sat with her phone and she had waited and she had kept waiting, and he had said nothing, and the sentence she couldn't finish in that parking garage had been sitting in her for four months with nowhere to go.
His phone buzzed. He looked at it.
Yujin: where are you
He typed back: left. she was there. minjeong has her.
Three dots. Then: I know. I saw Minjeong head for the stairs. Are you okay.
He looked at the screen for a moment.
No, he typed. Are you surprised.
The car moved through the city. He looked out the window and did not try to manage anything. He just let it sit in him: all of it, the tea and the playlist and the banana milk and the note and the four months and her hands in his jacket and the sentence she didn't finish. He let it sit there at full weight without doing anything to make it smaller.
Minjeong just texted, Yujin sent, a few minutes later. She has her. They're heading home. Go home Jihoon.
He read it. She's okay. She would get home.
Go home, Yujin texted again. Don't do anything tonight.
He paid the driver and stood on the pavement outside his building for a long moment before he went in. Then he went upstairs and lay on his bed without taking off his jacket and looked at the ceiling.
---
Meanwhile Minjeong drove.
She got Karina to her car, settled her in the passenger seat, and pulled out of the parking garage without asking anything. Before she drove she took out her phone and sent Yujin a quick text: I have her. We're heading home. Then she put the phone away. Karina sat with her knees pulled up and her forehead against the cold window. Minjeong adjusted the heat. She put on something quiet on the radio. She drove.
Seoul moved past them, the late-night version of the city, convenience stores and couples and the last trains still running. Minjeong drove and did not say anything and let the silence be the kind it was: not heavy, not loaded, just patient. She had known Karina long enough to know the difference between silences that needed to be filled and silences that needed to be left alone, and this was the latter.
Karina spoke first, eventually, somewhere on the highway with the city lights spread across the dark on both sides.
"I still love him," she said. Her voice was flat and wrecked and entirely certain.
Minjeong kept her eyes on the road. "I know," she said.
"I left because I had to," Karina said. "Not because I stopped. I never stopped."
"I know," Minjeong said.
A long quiet.
"He thought I was with Minseok," Karina said. Not a question. "He built a whole story out of one sentence from Sungwoo and just. Sat with it. For a month. And I was out here thinking he was fine, thinking he and Yujin were. And he wasn't fine. He's been falling apart the whole time and I didn't know and he didn't call."
Minjeong said nothing.
"We've both been falling apart," Karina said, more to herself than to Minjeong, the words arriving like something she was working out in real time. "The whole time. Simultaneously. Alone. Because neither of us said anything."
Minjeong took the exit toward Karina's neighborhood and navigated the quieter streets and pulled up in front of her building. She put the car in park. She turned to look at her friend, sitting in the passenger seat in the dark red dress with mascara tracked on her cheeks and her hair slightly wrecked, and who looked, underneath all of that, like someone who had just arrived at something.
"Get some sleep," Minjeong said.
"Yeah," Karina said. She didn't move for a moment. Then she reached across and squeezed Minjeong's hand. "Thank you."
"Always," Minjeong said. "Go, call me if you need anything."
Karina went.
Minjeong watched her get through the building entrance. She sat in the car for a moment. Then she took out her phone and texted Yujin: she's home. she's okay. She put the car in drive and headed home, the radio still playing its quiet song into the dark.
---
Jihoon was still awake at 5am.
He was lying on his back, still in his clothes from the night before, staring at the ceiling with the particular hollow alertness of someone who is too tired to be awake and too wired to sleep. He had been replaying the parking garage for hours. Minjeong's face. Karina's hands. The way her voice had sounded when she said I kept waiting. The way his own voice had sounded saying the things he should have said years ago, pulled out of him in pieces, not cleanly, not the way he had imagined saying them, but out, finally, in her direction.
He picked up his phone. He opened the note. He added the parking garage entry first, because it belonged there:
Last night. The parking garage. I finally said it. The tea, the playlist, the banana milk, the note. Out loud. To her face. And she said she never stopped. And I stood there holding her and Minjeong told me to go and I went, and the ride home was the worst twenty minutes of my life because I could not do anything. I should have called the night she left. The silence wasn't respect for her decision. It was cowardice dressed up as consideration. And when she said she kept waiting, that was the moment I understood what I'd actually done to her by staying quiet. Not just in the months after. For the whole two years before.
He read through all the entries from the beginning. The full inventory, everything he had kept in the private room and never let her find. He read it slowly, all of it, and at the end he put the phone down on his chest and stared at the ceiling and said, out loud to the empty apartment:
"Enough."
He picked the phone back up.
He opened his messages. He found her name. He stared at it for a long time.
Her contact name was still what she had set it to herself, two years ago, on a night when she had grabbed his phone laughing and refused to tell him what she'd typed: 공룡 여왕 ♥ (Dinosaur Queen ♥). He had never changed it.
He typed:
I know last night wasn't a resolution. I know you need time and I'm not trying to push that. But I need to say something and I need to say it in your direction instead of adding it to the list of things I kept to myself.
I want to fix this. Not because you owe me the chance. Because I have a list on my phone that proves I knew how to love you, I just never knew how to show you, and I think I can learn how if you'll let me.
Can we get coffee? Just to talk. Just to say the things that should have been said a long time ago. I'll be wherever you want, whenever works for you.
He read it back twice. His thumb hovered over the send button. He thought about all the times he had hovered and retreated, all the times the silence had been the easier choice.
He sent it.
He put the phone face down on the nightstand. He closed his eyes. He did not expect to sleep.
He was asleep in four minutes, the specific deep sleep of someone who has finally set something down that they have been carrying for a very long time.
Her reply was waiting when he woke up two hours later, the April morning coming through the curtains in long pale lines.
Okay. Coffee. Today, 10am. You pick where.
He read it twice. He put the phone down on the duvet and lay there for a moment with it in his chest, that word. Okay. He thought about what it had cost her to type that word. He thought about what it was going to cost him to sit across from her and say the things he'd been rehearsing for months in his head.
He got up. He showered. He practiced.
---
She was already there when he arrived.
The cafe was the kind of place that had put real thought into being pleasant: warm pendant lights, soft music at a considered volume, a chalkboard menu with seasonal specials written in careful handwriting. It was doing everything right. It was, at ten in the morning, cheerfully, obliviously alive. The two of them sat in it like people who had not slept and had cried recently and had somewhere in the last twelve hours said things that could not be unsaid, which was exactly what they were.
She was at a corner table, both hands around a cup she had ordered before he got there, wearing something simple and looking tired in a way she was not trying to hide. This was its own information: she was not performing for him. She had come as herself, which meant she had decided this mattered enough to stop managing her presentation.
He sat down across from her. He ordered coffee. He looked at her and she looked at him and the table between them had the quality of something very small that was also everything.
"Okay," she said. "You wanted to talk."
"Yeah," he said.
He took out his phone. He opened the note. He turned it around and set it on the table between them, facing her.
"Everything I should have said while I had the chance," he said. "Everything I did for you that I never explained. Every time I loved you at half-volume and expected you to hear it anyway."
She looked at the phone. She looked at him. She reached out and picked it up.
He watched her read. He did not look away. He had spent two years watching her and understanding what he saw, and he was not going to flinch from it now. He watched her go very still at the tea entry, February 14th, and stay still for a long moment before continuing. He watched the small movements of her face, the things she did not quite manage to contain, the brief tightening of something around her eyes at two or three different entries. He watched her reach the end and sit with the phone in her hands, not putting it down yet, just holding it.
She looked up. She set the phone down carefully. She looked at it for a moment rather than at him. "The last entry," she said. "Say it. Not from the note. To me."
He looked at her steadily. "I should have called the night you left," he said. "The silence wasn't respect for your decision. It was cowardice dressed up as consideration. And when you said you kept waiting… That was the moment I understood what I'd actually done to you by staying quiet. Not just in the months after. For the whole two years before."
She looked at him then. Really looked, the way she had been not quite doing since he sat down.
"I need to say something too," she said. "Because I'm not just here to receive an apology. I was part of this."
"You don't have to."
"I do." She pressed her hands flat on the table. "I left because I was tired of reaching. That is true. But I never told you specifically what I was reaching toward. I told you I was tired without telling you what would have fixed it. I expected you to know that I needed you to say things out loud, to explain the playlist, to tell me about the tea. I expected you to already understand that what I needed was to be able to find you. And when you didn't I decided that meant you couldn't. And that wasn't fair." She held his gaze. "I should have said: this specific thing. I need this specific thing from you. I never said it. I just told you I was tired and waited for you to fill in the rest."
"I should have asked," he said. "When you said you were tired I should have asked: tired of what, specifically, what can I do, what do you need. I didn't ask. I went quiet."
"You always go quiet."
"I know."
"That's the thing I need to not happen anymore," she said. "Not never quiet. I know you're quiet. I knew that when I was with you. But quiet when something is hard, quiet when something needs to be said, quiet when I'm standing in front of you with my hands out. That's the thing I can't go back to."
He thought about the parking garage. The way it had come out, all of it, not in the careful rehearsed version but raw and real and at full volume, and how it had felt: like something enormous leaving his body, like a weight he hadn't realized he'd been holding because he'd been holding it for so long it had become part of his posture. And then the other thing, sitting underneath that: that he had stood at a bar watching her laugh with someone and built a whole story out of it. That she had spent months looking at photos of him with Yujin and built a whole story out of that. Both of them, alone, in parallel, saying nothing.
"The Yujin thing," he said. "And Minseok. I want to say it here, not just in a parking garage at midnight. There is nothing between me and Yujin. There has never been anything. She was there because I was falling apart and she is the one person who knows how to be around me when that happens. That is all of it." He paused. "I know you know that now. I just want to say it in daylight."
She looked at him. "Minseok is someone I have spoken to at work events," she said. "Three times. That is the whole of that."
"I know."
She picked up her coffee. Set it down without drinking. "I can't promise I won't get jealous again," she said. "That's a habit too."
"I know. And I can't promise I won't spiral and say nothing about it." He held her gaze. "But I can promise that the next time I do, I'll say something before it becomes a whole story I've been sitting with for a month."
She almost smiled. Not quite. "Good."
A beat. She looked at her hands. Then back at him.
"I can't promise I'll never go quiet," he said. "The habit is real. It's in me deeply and I'm not going to lie to you about that. But I can promise that when I notice it I'll say something. Before you have to find it. Before you have to reach." He looked at her steadily. "And I can promise that what you heard in that parking garage is who I want to be from now on. Not the managed version. The full one."
She looked at him for a long time. He let himself be looked at. He did not arrange his face into anything.
"Okay," she said.
"Okay?"
"Slowly," she said. "We don't pretend this morning fixed everything because it didn't. There is still a lot we have to actually work through."
"I know."
"You are going to have to say things," she said. "On purpose. Out loud. Not in a note on your phone. To my face."
"I will," he said.
She looked at her coffee. Something settled in her face, a specific easing, the look of someone who has been carrying a decision for a long time and has finally made it.
Then she looked back at the note on the table.
"The banana milk," she said.
He looked at her.
"You've been buying it for a year. Because I said it once."
"Yes," he said.
"Jihoon." Her voice was even but there was something underneath it that was not. "I found banana milk in your fridge every single time I was there and I thought you had started liking it."
He stared at her. "You thought I had started liking banana milk."
"I thought you tried it and liked it," she said. "I never thought for a second that you were buying it for me because you never said anything about it." She shook her head slowly. "You were buying my comfort food for a year and I thought it was just something you had gotten into."
He looked at her. "I have an entire list of things I did for you and you thought I had developed a taste for banana milk."
She pressed her lips together. She was trying very hard not to laugh. He could see the effort of it.
"In my defense," she said, "it's a very common drink."
"I bought the specific kind you mentioned."
"I didn't notice."
"Jimin," he said, and the name came out with something in it that was not quite exasperation and not quite tenderness but somewhere between the two.
And then she laughed. The real one, the unmanaged one, the one that arrived before she could arrange anything, and he felt the sound of it the way he had always felt the sound of it, like something vital coming back online.
"We have so much to learn," she said, when the laughter had settled.
"I know," he said. "I'm ready."
She picked up her coffee. He picked up his. Outside the coffee shop window Seoul was doing what it always did, moving through the morning with complete indifference to two people at a corner table deciding to try again. They stayed long after the coffee was cold. Then they ordered more.
They talked for three hours. Not about the big things; those had been said, or enough of them had, and what remained could only be done slowly over time and both of them knew it. They talked about smaller things. The track he had been working on. A schedule she had coming up that she was dreading. A restaurant they had both separately tried and had opinions about. At some point she laughed at something he said, the real laugh, not the performed one, and he felt it the way he always felt it, like something switching back on.
At one point she said: "You know what I kept thinking, after the garage."
"What."
"That you were going to wake up in the morning and decide it was too much. That you'd said too much and you were going to go quiet again and that would be it."
He looked at her. "I woke up and sent you a text."
"I know," she said. "I know you did. I'm just telling you what I thought at 3am."
"What did you think at 4am."
She considered this. "That maybe you wouldn't."
"And at 5am?"
She looked at him with the particular expression she had when she was deciding whether to say the real thing. Then: "That I hoped you wouldn't."
He filed that away. He filed it the way he filed everything about her, carefully and completely, in a place he was no longer going to keep locked.
When they finally left, the morning had turned into afternoon without either of them entirely noticing. They stood outside on the pavement and the city moved around them and neither of them said anything for a moment. Then she looked at him with the particular expression of someone who wants to say something and is deciding whether it's too much too soon.
"Slowly," she said again. Not a warning. Just the shape of it.
"Slowly," he agreed.
"If you don't have plans tonight," she said, carefully, "we could." She stopped. Shook her head slightly. "Never mind. You probably have things."
"I actually have plans," he said. "Someone I said I'd meet. I booked it a few weeks back, before." He paused. "Before this morning."
She nodded. Too quickly. "Of course. That's fine."
Then, quieter, her eyes cutting sideways: "You don't want to cancel?"
He looked at her. The question was small and she had said it in the specific register she used when she was being deliberately, performatively soft about something, the voice that was slightly too innocent to be innocent. He had missed that voice. It landed somewhere between his ribs and stayed there.
"I can't cancel," he said.
She pressed her lips together. Looked away. "Okay."
"Jimin."
"I said okay," she said, with great dignity, which meant she was still a little disappointed.
It was not quite fine. He could see that. She had offered something small and careful and he had not been able to take it, which was a familiar shape even if the reason was completely different this time. He almost said: I'll cancel. He did not say it.
"Tomorrow," he said instead. "Your birthday."
"You don't have to do anything for my birthday," she said, in the tone of someone who does not entirely mean it.
"I know," he said.
She looked at him for a moment. Then she turned and walked in the direction of her car. He watched her go.
He stood on the pavement for another few seconds. Then he took out his phone, opened his contacts, and cancelled the only plan he actually had: a studio booking he had made with himself three weeks ago to work on a track that was not going anywhere.
Then he started walking.
He spent the afternoon the way he spent time when he had a clear enough idea of what he wanted that he did not need to think about it. The stuffed dinosaur took the longest; he stood in a toy shop for twenty minutes working through the options with a focus that he was aware looked slightly unhinged to the staff, and landed on one that was a specific shade of green and had the right expression, which he could not have explained but recognized immediately. The Diptyque took five minutes; he had been in the Seongsu store before and knew where to find Orphéon, which she had mentioned once in passing and which he had written down. The flowers were last: he picked them himself at a stall near the subway, choosing slowly, discarding anything that looked like it was performing at being flowers rather than just being them.
He got home and laid everything on his kitchen table and looked at it for a moment. It was not a grand gesture. It was just a collection of things that were specifically hers, chosen by someone who had been paying attention. He packed them into a bag carefully, the way you pack things you intend to bring somewhere.
Then he sat down. He looked at the clock. He had a few hours.
---
He called her at 11:58.
Not midnight. Not quite yet. Because he had been standing outside her building for four minutes and he needed something to do with his hands and also, if he was being honest with himself, he wanted those two minutes.
She picked up on the second ring. "It's not my birthday yet," she said, which meant she had been watching the time.
"I know," he said. "I'm early."
"You're always early."
"It's considerate."
"It's anxious," she said, warmly. He could hear she was in bed. Lamp on, probably. Something put down when the phone rang. "Why are you calling, Jihoon. It's almost midnight."
"I wanted to be the first thing you heard on the other side of it."
A pause. He could feel her smiling without being able to see it, which was a very specific thing he had missed. "That's annoyingly sweet," she said.
"Thank you."
"I didn't mean it as a compliment."
"I know. I'm taking it anyway."
She laughed, small and real. He stood on the pavement and looked up at the light in her window and thought: almost.
"How are you calling me," she said, "when you had plans tonight."
"Plans change."
"Jihoon."
"My plans," he said, "involved being somewhere at midnight. I'm somewhere."
"That's very vague."
"I'm aware."
She made a sound somewhere between suspicious and amused. "Where are you."
"Outside."
A beat. "Outside where."
"Outside your building." A pause. "It's midnight."
The silence on the other end had a very specific quality. Then, quietly: "Shin Jihoon."
The intercom buzzed.
She let him up without another word.
She opened the door before he could knock. She was in her pyjamas, the soft cotton set she wore when she was not performing comfort but actually comfortable, pale and slightly wrinkled from being in bed, her hair loose and slightly flattened on one side. She had her phone still in her hand. She looked at him standing in her doorway at midnight with two bags and the particular expression of someone who has just been made to feel something they were not prepared to feel.
He thought: she is so cute it is genuinely difficult to function.
He did not say this. He said: "Happy birthday. I love you." Out loud, in her doorway, at midnight, without managing any part of it.
She pressed her lips together. Her eyes were doing something she was not quite managing to stop. "You didn't have to come," she said. "It's so late."
"I wanted to." He held her gaze, steady and completely honest. "We wasted a lot of time being away from each other. I didn't want to waste tonight as well."
She looked at him for a moment. Then she stepped back and let him in.
He set the first bag down on her coffee table and held it out to her. She looked at it, then at him, then sat down cross-legged on the couch and opened it with a care that suggested she already knew she was going to want to take her time.
The dinosaur came out first. She went completely still for two full seconds. Then she looked up at him with an expression that was trying very hard to be dignified and was not succeeding at all.
"It's the right shade of green," he said.
"How did you know there was a right shade of green."
"I spent twenty minutes in the shop."
She hugged the dinosaur. She did it immediately and without apparent self-consciousness, pressing it against her chest, and he watched her do it and felt something warm and uncomplicated move through him.
The flowers were next, and she buried her face in them briefly in a way that suggested she was buying herself a moment. Then the Orphéon, and she stilled.
"I mentioned this once," she said.
"Eight months ago."
"You wrote it down."
"I wrote everything down." He said it simply. "That was always the problem. I wrote it down instead of saying it out loud."
She set the perfume down carefully on the table. She looked at him across the small distance of her living room, her hair a little flattened on one side, the dinosaur still in her lap, surrounded by flowers, in her pajamas at midnight.
She got up.
She crossed the room and she kissed him, and it was nothing like the careful managed version of himself he had been operating as for two years. Her hands came up to his face and his arms went around her and the dinosaur ended up somewhere on the floor and neither of them noticed. She kissed him like someone who had been waiting for something and had finally stopped waiting, and he kissed her back like someone who had finally learned that some things are not too much to say out loud.
He pulled back first, slightly breathless, and looked at her.
"Okay," he said. "Okay. I actually do have plans for tonight."
She blinked. "What."
He reached for the second bag.
She looked inside. Flour, sugar, eggs. Butter. Strawberries. Cream. A vanilla pod.
"We're making a cake," he said.
She stared at him. "It's midnight."
"It's your birthday."
"Jihoon, I was in bed."
"You're not anymore."
She looked at the bag. She looked at him. She was trying to look unimpressed and she was not trying very hard. "You can't bake," she said.
"That's why you're in charge."
A pause. Then she reached in and took out the vanilla pod, turned it over in her hand. "You got a real one."
"You said you could taste the difference."
She set it down. Looked at him with the expression that meant she had already decided and was going through the motions of considering. "You know this is going to take two hours."
"I know."
"And the cake is going to be imperfect."
"Almost certainly."
"And you are going to be completely useless."
"Also very likely."
She looked at him for one more second. Then she picked up the butter and headed toward the kitchen. "Come on then," she said over her shoulder. "And don't touch anything until I tell you to."
He followed her.
She ran the kitchen the way she ran everything she cared about: completely, with no tolerance for shortcuts. She had him measure to the gram. She corrected his folding technique twice, with the patient focus of someone who knew exactly what the result should feel like and was not going to settle for close enough.
"You're holding the spatula wrong."
"I've been holding spatulas for thirty years."
"And yet," she said.
He adjusted his grip. She watched. "Better," she said, in the tone of someone granting a significant concession.
"Thank you," he said. "This is the most praise I've received all day."
"You kissed me less than an hour ago."
"That was not praise, that was mutual."
She looked at him sideways. He kept folding. She turned back to the cream.
The first sponge layer came out lopsided, a result of her oven running hot in the back left corner, which she diagnosed in approximately four seconds by looking at it.
"We can serve it lopsided," he said.
"We cannot serve it lopsided."
"It's two in the morning. Who are we serving it to."
"Ourselves. Standards apply."
She took a knife and trimmed it in four clean passes. He watched. "You could have done that from the beginning," he said.
"Yes," she said pleasantly. "But I learned something about you."
"What did you learn."
"That you would serve a lopsided cake to yourself on a birthday without blinking." She looked up at him. "Your relationship to imperfection is more comfortable than mine."
"Is that a bad thing."
She considered this seriously. "No," she said. "It might actually be useful. Between the two of us."
He looked at her. She looked back at him briefly before turning to the cream. Between the two of us. Said so easily, like it was already decided. Like it was simply the current state of affairs.
He thought: yes. Exactly that.
They assembled the cake together sometime around two in the morning. She arranged the strawberries herself while he held the stand steady, placing each one with a care that made it clear she had an exact vision and would not be rushed toward it. Her lower lip was caught between her teeth. He watched her work and did not look away.
"You're staring again," she said.
"Still," he said. "I never stopped."
She picked up a strawberry that hadn't made the arrangement and held it out to him without looking up. "Tell me if they're sweet enough."
He took it from her. Ate it. "Perfect," he said.
She took one for herself and finally stepped back to look at the finished cake. It was imperfect in the specific beautiful way of things made by hand in the middle of the night by two people who were figuring something out: the cream slightly uneven at the edges, the layers not quite symmetrical, the strawberries arranged with intention rather than precision.
"Well," she said.
"Well," he agreed.
She cut a slice and ate it standing at the counter, not bothering with a plate, and closed her eyes for just a moment.
"What does it taste like," he said.
She opened her eyes. She was smiling, the real one, the one that arrived before she could do anything about it. "Like something that was worth staying up for," she said.
He cut himself a piece. The kitchen smelled like vanilla and butter and strawberries and the particular warmth of a space being used by people who are glad to be in it. Outside her window Seoul was doing what it always did, entirely indifferent, moving through the dark without pausing for anyone.
"Happy birthday, Jimin," he said.
She leaned over and bumped her shoulder against his. "It's the best one I've had in a while," she said.
"You say that every year."
"This year I mean it more."
He kept that. He kept it the way he was going to keep things from now on: openly, at full volume, and without the slightest pretense of managing what it meant to him.
