Being Human

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

As our exhibition has now opened, I can reflect on some of the success and failures of my project to date. I say to date as this is a project that I intend to stick with and evolve further as ongoing work.

It would have been useful to shoot more, perhaps. The time spent on each shoot was extended due to me using a crop sensor camera which made the processing time for each image seem to take an eternity.

But this added to my process as it slowed me down, as film would, and it gave me the time to explore through my thoughts, and the music that I listened to while making the images, what Being Human consists of in a more emotional manner.

It was important for me to really connect emotionally with the project, and I feel I did. So much so that I was painfully anxious every time I thought about showing the work, not just because I was in it, but because it was of me.

There was a lot of soul searching and looking within during the making of these images. Not everything I saw reflected back at me from the water was pretty or nice even; but I truly feel that I've began to capture the essence of myself in a way that I've never seen before or even considered myself in before.

This was why it was important for the images not to be typical self portraits, but trying more to portray some of what's within the human being (me).

The vastness of the dead space is to convey the isolation I can feel and that we've all no doubt felt, especially in recent years. But it was also to include the viewer in the scene. To connect with others and maybe help remind them that when they're feeling alone, they're not really and there's always someone, somewhere who feels like that too, and it's okay.

I feel the glossy paper used for print helped to bring this to form at exhibition so I am quietly pleased with that aspect. However, I regret not having tried projection or producing any tiny pictures to see what they would have looked like.

I'd love to make them so small you'd need tweezers to pick them up and a magnifying lens to see them. I really loved Grant Campbells' exhibition pieces and the interaction he allowed us to have with his images.

Though I feel simply nailing my portraits to wall helped convey feeling backed against the wall with nowhere to go but forward.

And with the pins I used bending so easily, it really hammered home, literally, just how fragile us human beings are and how we respond differently to the same situations; as no two pins reacted the same to my hammering of them.

I had some positive responses on opening night which has helped propel my need to make more images of these sorts. I would also like to explore capturing others portraits reflected back to my camera on the water. I am interested to see how others react to seeing themselves on 'Troubled Waters'.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Works in progress for being human. I have tried not to overly edit these images as I feel there was only limited adjustments to be made. I wanted them to have painterly feel as the main inspirations for my work were painters.

I used the basin as my canvas, the camera my brush and the water and light as my paint.

The pictures are chaotic and not perfect. Far from it. But as my interpratation of the brief focuses on psychological aspects of being human, we must remember that no one is perfect, either.

I have tried to unfilter myself in the making of these photographs and tap in to what is in my subconscious. I feel in some ways I have succeeded in making abstract self portraits which convey inner turmoil, resilience, hope and growth.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Amazing exhibition idea!

If I could exhibit my response in any way I wished, I would look to create a water wall similar to this to project my work on to.

However, the space we have is far too small with too many risks involved for running water to be everywhere.

Another con is that due to the climate crisis, it may not be the most eco friendly way to exhibit my work. But it looks great.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

These are the raw images that resonate most with me and my idea of the being human brief.

To me, being human is scary, sometimes brilliant but usually overwhelming. For most of my life I have felt as if I'm constantly trying to keep from sinking under. The weight of childhood trauma and reoccuring grief has left me feeling, at times completely submerged in emptiness with bouts of depression that have only recently become truly manageable.

I feel these images convey my emergence from the dark depths of my own physiological anguish. From the trappings of my own brain. They are my tentative attempts towards an artistic expression of self.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Choosing images for exhibition is a process I had been putting off due to my household being poorly for weeks on end. Most days I have been looking after my 2 youngest children and at night, too tired. But now that I have, I am feeling more hopeful that I've captured something that nods to my inspiration from Bacon and Munch and hopefully evokes some sort of emotion, memory or mystery for the viewer. Even if it's negative, it won't have been made in vain.

As I have now decided which image/s I will use, I have began to think about possible ways to exhibit them.

Water plays an important role in the construction of my images. As we are made of at least 55% water, it felt almost natural to use it in the images, although the water is still in some of them, it still is there. A major element of my make up and the make up of my photographs.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Just playing with crops and perspectives. The highlights are a bit blown out on the forehead but I like the shadows over the eyes and the ripple of the earring.

Pretty cheesy image though!

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

This is the last shoot I have at this stage. I can no longer bear to look at myself in the water and I am incredibly concerned that I have chosen the wrong theme for this brief. I am wishing I didn't choose something so personal and I regret attempting self portraiture.

I just dot feel I'm getting anything else from making these photographs anymore. There were a few from the previous shoots that I done that are okay for my project though.

Everything is so under exposed and I wasn't feeling in the best of fettle so they're as dark as my mood was.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Watch "To Whom It Definitely Concerns" on YouTube

Poetry is an amazing gift that humans give to the world.

Andrea Gibson with 'To Whom It Definitely Concerns' writing a resignation letter from herself.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Just using a couple of phone apps to edit and make the images into a moving image. I will consider moving image closer to completion. I like this as I feel it's enhances the water element of my shoot.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

With this image, I used Lightroom to crop, size and enhance the image. I then used an app on my phone to add grain and lighten it.

I intentionally overdone it compared to my usual editing techniques but I actually quite like the result.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Following from my post about smoking, this seemed worthwhile posting as well. It is an interesting short video in which, among other things, highlights the cigarette as a signifier between the classes depicted in art. Cigars for the upper, cigs for the lower.

Edvard Munchs' art speaks to me. I can relate to his depression and his melancholy works resonate within me.

His colour palette is something I am trying to incorporate into my project.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

What is it about being human that makes it sometimes so difficult to make changes even when we know the change will do us good?

I am addicted to nicotine and although fully aware of the disastrous consequences smoking has, after seeing first hand what it can do to someone's health, I still light up almost as soon as I open my eyes each morning.

Cigarettes are like a crutch sometimes. Something I do when I feel I need to calm down or something to celebrate feeling good. I used to have a similar relationship with alcohol but the cigs are trickier to tackle for me.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

I feel although tricky to set up, I managed to capture a few images I will be happy enough to work with so far. The last screenshot shows the difference made when I added the food colouring. Although I feel there is workable imagery there, I prefer the lower lot.

The texture on the part of the basin that is in the lower half of the images helps me to add depth to my project as this signifies my injured soul, which has been wounded and healed but forever changed. Wounds that's aren't always on the surface but rather carried within oneself. The basin has became my easel.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Keeping with my aim to reflect myself on water to capture my portrait I have proceeded with the idea. As you may see from the contacts, it takes me a little bit of setting up to even begin to capture any essence of myself on the water.

As I work in my living room it can be quite cramped but I feel working from home on such a personal project has its benefits for the project. I am completely myself when I am at home. All of my images are made when I have free time, which can sometimes be quite rare to find as I have a fairly hectic family life as well. But I need to make these images when I can be alone and quite within myself as much as possible.

At the beginning I looked into sourcing fishtanks, large pyrex dishes, anything I though could hold enough water to reflect myself upon but a lot didn't seem practical or affordable so again, I looked closer to home and used the black basin from my kitchen sink to reflect myself upon. It has been perfect as its just the right width for the frame size I like and doubles as a background to help set the mood and tone of my images. Which may be somber yet light in the end? I don't know.

I experimented during this shoot by using food colouring to change the colour of the water. As this day was a bit of a down day, I used blue. I didn't really like how it went though and changed the water back, however it appears there were still slight traces of it in the water.

[yvonnejohnstoncreativeprocess]

Francis is my main inspiration for the direction in which my project is going.

Here, he speaks of how "there's a whole area of forms which are organic. A form that relates to the human image but is a complete distortion of it." - this is so relevant to my project as I aim to capture emotions within myself through abstract self portraiture. But still hope for the form to be seen, the emotion felt.

He also speaks on painting the inner turmoil of somebody who's always in a state of unease and who is working on very private feelings about behaviour and the way life is; which I relate deeply to and am incredibly inspired by.